270 New Year's Eve

UGH!!  I've eaten enough fat and sugar today to fell an ox. Tomorrow will be normal food in the form of pancakes for breakfast, a sandwich lunch and roast beef for dinner.  Monday I will joyfully return to the ww plan. Tuesday, no doubt,  I will be complaining mightily about the plan, but just now with my whole body bloating I can't see any need for food at all in the upcoming year.

269 a large t-shirt

Today's been the most relaxing day I've had in ages.  Slept in, and spent the day with Catherine putting away Christmas decorations with a brief trip to the mall.  Tonight we're eating our normal Friday night pizza, watching movies and painting nutcrackers from Zims (BEST little craft store in the world that's gone out of business--but not before we practically bought out all the inventory). 

Anyway, I began the day by putting on a large--plain large, not extra large, t-shirt from Hawaii.  I loved the way it fit and looked. Not too tight and not too loose and my torso looked elongated and slim. I'm not looking forward to limiting my food again, but I AM looking forward to these next 15 pounds.  It's going to make  HUGE (no pun intended) difference!

268 sneeze and another half

Ugh! Coming down with a cold. Whether from being trapped in an airplane breathing viruses or just from pure bad eating I don't know--probably both.  But I'm not completely dying. I'm still walking to work and am SLOWLY returning back to normal eating, but phew---there's a long way to go.  For breakfast today I had a PB2 banana, milk, and a lite bagel with veggie cream cheese--far better than these past two weeks, but still above ww limits. Lunch was 3/4 can of tomato basil soup and too many crackers with cheeseball and 6 olives. Snacking is clementines. Ooops--and also 4 cookies.  ah well. New Year's Day is coming--or rather the day after--no way I'm dieting on Jan 1. Jan 2 yes, but Jan 1 no way.  One thing will be easier this semester is the strength training. Thanks to my work's wellness program I can take time off during work for fitness.  Last year I did the walking group for the half marathon. This semester I'm not taking a class so I can't do the walking group, but I CAN and did schedule time for myself to go to the gym and get the strength training done.  I'm excited about this!!

267 an example

Another thing that happened on my trip was to see my poor sister up close and personal. She's completely out of control in her weight and other things too.  Food-wise she was pretty unbelievable--pop, pop and more pop and cookies and candy and cake and chips pretty much around the clock. She ate very little of anything that I would consider real food. A burger and fries is about as real as it got.  Anyway, I was thinking about a better lifestyle for her and how unsatisfying it would be for her to give up pop or any of the treats. She isn't going to be happy with toning down her food. She doesn't WANT just one pop or just one or two treats a day.  The whole fun is to guzzle pop by the gallon and eat whatever she wants whenever she wants.  We have the same genetics--truly there but for the grace of God I go.  But it was oddly encouraging too in a selfish way. MY natural eating habits--even at their worst are MUCH better than hers. I'm not deprived or using will power.  On the contrary, I'd be very unhappy--not to mention sick, if I drank so much pop and ate so much sugar. I would WANT something different right away!! This gives me hope that someday, when I lose this weight that my habits will be better still and it won't be a matter of so much will power and always eating less than I want (which is how ww feels--always less than I want).  I will WANT more veggies, I will WANT more exercise and one cookie will be plenty--more would be unsatisfying and cloyingly sweet. blech.  But it IS a journey to get to that point, and until one gets to that point it IS profoundly unsatisfying. I dont WANT a wrap and 6 olives! I want a wrap and as many olives as I want and maybe some chips too and a cookie!  But someday, someday, someday I will WANT better things. I already do a little bit.

266 Low weight for Christmas

Back from Hawaii and Christmas!!!! And THANKFUL to be home. In many ways I had a great time. Hawaii is beautiful and not even my family can diminish its loveliness. Actually, overall everyone was very well behaved I think.  The trip went off as well as it possibly could have. It's just difficult to travel with a big group under any circumstances and my family--with one teen, one 8 year old, one drug addict, one cancer patient, one massively passive-agressive father, one over worked and overly burdened sister, one tired and stressed out husband and myself with all my attendant baggage----well, it was a bit of an ordeal, but an ordeal filled with fun things to do in a wonderful place. The bright side of the stress was that it did affect my appetite--I didn't feel as though I was dieting--on the contrary--I ate anything and everything I wanted including 2 full blown luaus and more candy and junk than I've eaten in months and when I came home on Christmas Eve morning and stepped on the scale I found that I was at an all time low of 185!!!!  A Merry Christmas gift indeed!!!!!

But here's the difference--and I think this is the real difference between people who are fat and thin.  In Hawaii because of stress or whatever, my base-line perma-status was FULL.  It was weird. Even if I felt hungry--even stomach growling hungry I just didn't care all that much about food. I enjoyed it when it was there, and I mean really enjoyed it--I didn't stint on those luaus, but I wasn't thinking about whether or not I should/could go back for more. Sometimes, especially if the food wasn't special, I either didn't eat at all or ate very little.  I'm SURE this is how thin people operate all the time. They eat whatever they want (with some attention to nutrition) and simply don't have to worry about points or calories or anything else. They eat, they're done and sometimes--even quite often they eat a lot but quite often too they don't eat much--whatever, it's no big deal and no will power is necessary.

Now my normal life is just the opposite. My normal base-line perma status is HUNGRY. Even on Thanksgiving day when I'm stuffed to bursting, I still want more and wish I could eat more. I'm always thinking about and wanting food regardless whether or not I'm hungry. 

The question now is how do I become the Hawaii-thin person all the time--without developing ulcers from being perma-stressed?  I think the answer lies in the over-eaters anonymous principles.  I have a workbook from the church based on the program.  I haven't been using it--it takes time and energy and is often painful. But I think it is key.  To become perma-full perhaps something has to heal.  Well, there's no "perhaps" about it.  I KNOW there's a direct correlation between healing and feeling hungry.  But it's worth it.  Hard, but so worth it.  Right now, I'm still in Christmas-mode.  I have my Christmas Eve 185, and I've been gobbling food as fast and hard as I can. Mostly, because it's just so darn good, but also because January 1st is coming and there is some "last supper" eating going on in my mind. Silly, I'll eat plenty in the coming year, but I'm excited about the next 10 pounds too.  

253 Still low

WOW!!  STILL 187--I can't imagine why. I've been totally off track.  This is NOT good for me. IT makes me think I can eat anything I want and still lose weight and therefore more resentful of any weight loss plan. But I'm getting better---I'm beginning to accept that it IS a lot of work to lose the weight to begin with, but perhaps maintenence is not going to be as awful as I fear.  This 187 is probably due to muscle mass being lost--but even still it's nice to see. It's also due I'm sure, to having lost the weight SOOOO slowly.  And I'm glad for that.  I think both physically AND psychologically I'll be ready to drop another 10-15 before I stall again.  I'm hoping for a lot of exercise next week in Hawaii!!!

252 Why WW?

Ok--continuing on with yesterday's post. What is it that I like about WW? Do I want to continue with it in the New Year or try something else?  WW does a couple of things right---if I stick to the program I DO lose weight. When I started writing this blog last Feb, I was trying the lean and free program, which sounds terrific, but I didn't lose anything.  Weight loss in and of itself is a terrific motivator. I also like the hundreds and hundreds of available recipies and I like the e-tools that allow me to track points and plug in any food or recipie to see what it's worth. I like the free fruits and veggies. But the thing that ww really does right that I'm not sure I can mimic successfully on my own is the extra weekly points. The problem with rigid calorie diets is that life itself is not rigid. There ARE days (many of them) where food is a major part of the day--there are also some days that are just plain hungrier than others. The extra points make a lot of sense to me, but I don't know what the caloric equivalents are (a closely guarded ww secret).  If I cooked up my own plan--it would be free fruits and veggies, the day's calorie total, plus some weekly calorie total that I could use whenever I wanted.  The only benefit that I can see of doing it my way would be that I would get to snub weight watchers. This would be a whole lot more effective if weight watchers cared that they were being snubbed.  I guess the real appeal of my own plan is a sense of freedom from WW or any other restrictive plan.  But that's scary too. I don't manage food well. I fight and kick at WW but it does set the limits I very much need. Besides, the calorie count website is where I can always go for motivating stories.  I will probably keep fighting on with WW as originally planned.

251 Calorie Count

I just love the calorie count website. I find it real and encouraging as opposed to weight watchers which makes me feel hostile. So why stick with ww?  Good question!!!! At the moment I am the most "off" I've been since April. It's surprising how quickly things unravel.  My exercise has been off because it's been so darn cold. But really---can this be overcome? YES!!! My food has been off because I'm bored with WW, and overwhelmed by life in general. Can this be overcome?  maybe?  I don't know. Maybe I'm rationalizing here, but I'm enjoying this break---it feels right somehow.  I don't mean that I'm enjoying it as a free for all food-fest. It really hasn't been that, though I HAVE been eating more and it's a little worrisome. Mostly, I've been feeling full and kind of NOT enjoying that feeling very much. I'm kind of mentally revving myself up for a Jan 1, renewal. I'm feeling more used to this weight in the high 180's and feeling as though the 170's and maybe even the 160's are no longer mystical fantasy numbers, but actually something that could be acheived--well, ok--the 160'a still feel mythical.  I'm looking forward to having classes, hawaii, and christmas behind me. I love all of those things, but I'm tired this year. I can't wait to not have every night filled with something.

246 blessing

WOW!!!  I've been completely distracted--I'm supposed to be working on my take home final--and I am, but I've really been working on this Hawaii trip.  Debbie arranged for ALL of us to leave a day earlier--so I've been spending the morning trying to reach everyone to see if they CAN leave a day earlier, and if the house will be available etc.  Everyone but Dad can and wants to go a day early, so that's all good. The charge for this will be NOTHING and we can get into the house a day earlier also at NO CHARGE! This will be sooooo much easier on everyone.  Food-wise, I've been on auto-pilot I'm afraid, but somehow my dinnertime portions have been shrinking thank goodness. I haven't been going out of my way to find Christmas treats, but they are everywhere.  I'm excited for Hawaii, but my family is a very difficult group to travel with and I think what I really want is to be back from the trip with everything as a happy memory.  I'm also glad for January to be coming--no classes and normal food.

245 maintaining

Life goes at a whirlwind pace. Trying to get this Hawaii trip off the ground, trying (and failing) not to overthink my family. Anyway, somehow I've been maintaining my weight loss!  Hooray!  187 last Friday. I'm going to have to be careful. Weight watchers has changed their program again as usual--reducing points but offering nothing that would make me feel less hostile. I think it's just the way they phrase things that puts my back up.  I have to consciously remember that no one is holding a gun to my head to make me do the plan. I think I've been eating a little out of sheer rebellion--which is silly, I'm in charge.  However, other things seem to be positive---we had cobb salad yesterday and I didn't want a great big one, so I made a smaller (though still plenty big) and was satisfied--all the more amazing because I forgot to get blue cheese dressing--so I had italian with blue cheese crumbles--far less fattening and still really good.  I'm getting an inkling that as I lose weight I really will WANT to eat less. Not as a matter of will power at all, but in the same way that I wouldn't WANT to eat a four pound steak right now---it's just too much and doesn't sound appealing.

241 Two thoughts

I was thinking yesterday I ought to write about boredom--and I will, for me it is the #1 diet killer. I wonder how people like Sean who start a diet and never stray can bear to stick to it? The bottom line is that the novelty of ANY plan has worn off while the novelty of food never wears off. More on this tomorrow--I wanted to put down something I learned yesterday before I forget it.

In psych I was talking with a student about soldiers and how nice kids can go off and not only kill the enemy, but also do all sorts of other horrible things.  She said in the Vietnam era (and probably today as well), they would show the soldiers terrible things by film and then immediatley afterward feed them a steak dinner or give them free access to prostitutes. Having those pleasurable experiences right after seeing awful things is a great way to break down moral fiber because soon seeing the bad things alone feels pleasurable. And there you go. You have someone who can do horrific things. The question is can I turn this to my advantage in a positive way? What can I find or do or think while I eat smaller portions that will be pleasurable that will NOT be there when I eat too much? How can I pair these up?  Maybe eating veggies can signal I'm about to have a good time in some way? How can I do that? I can't always take a walk or do something active after eating veggies because I'm at work. Could I stretch? Would I like that? I don't think it has to be a big thing--just some kind of happy reinforcement.

240 A fast

Yesterday we all fasted for Mom. It was a spectacular success--it was an outpatient procedure to deaden the nerves in her back and she went from 7 to 0 on the pain scale almost right away. She said last night that she could now eat and rest and that if she felt this good going to Hawaii wouldn't be a problem. I'm just so happy she's feeling better. I had Subways for dinner and a shake (Dave's fault).  Today, is back on track.

238 Fat thinking

I'm so glad I'm keeping this blog.  Maybe someday it will help someone. Once I've lost 50 pounds someone can read this and think, "If efforts this lame were successful maybe I shouldn't give up just because I blew my diet today."  In the meantime it helps me. I've lost a total of 42 pounds--22 since blogging here and 20 from before that with efforts no less lame.  CAN be done and I will keep at it  until I win.  Yesterday I had a great day. Today my breakfast and dinner will be on track--it's lunch that's the problem---the institute Christmas luncheon--serving only my biggest weakness--appetizers. I have no intention of doing anything moderate about it other than eating as many veggies as I can. I suppose thinking that I must indulge in the appetizer buffet IS fat thinking, but since I'm not really willing to deal with that, it wasn't what I was thinking when I titled this blog. No, the fat thinking was the pumpkin bread. I had to go to a class today and pass out evaluations for the students to fill out. The teacher had made chocolate chip pumpkin bread for the class. This was NOT a part of my plan for the day, but (here's the fat thinking) since I was going to have a rich lunch anyway...  Silly.  The fat thinking was further compounded by the fact that the teacher was the lady who led last year's walking group and talked a lot about intuitive eating. Well!!  Since I intuitively wanted the pumpkin bread--then that further justified my eating it.  So I did.  Truth was I don't think I did intuitively want it. I wasn't hungry, it didn't sound exceptionally appealing, it's just that pumpkin bread always sounds good so down it went.

238 Cheetos

Hey!  Amazingly I did not gain any weight this weekend.  I have no idea how that happened--I recklessly indulged in all of my bad habits--things like grabbing a handful of nuts everytime I passed through the kitchen--stuff like that. And the cheeseball....Darn it.  It's always the cheeseball that gets me.  I'll simply have to have it more often so it isn't such a rarity in my life.  I have to admit though it is with some degree of relief that I return to more moderate ways today. I really don't like feeling stupified with fats and sugars---and I REALLY don't want to throw away all my hard work.  I'm taking today's weight as a pure gift and moving forward, and today's menu sounds great to me.  Breakfast--cream of wheat cereal made with milk and topped with raspberries and splenda. Lunch--a "cup of soup" a roast beef deli wrap, olives, a dill pickle, a broiled jalapeno with cream cheese, and just a few cheetos.  Darn the cheetos!! They are not all created equally!  We once bought a bag where the serving size was 21 and the points were 3.  I noticed last night that the serving size on this bag was only 15 puffs.  FIVE points!  I can't decide if I'm glad I double checked or not, but in any case I brought only 3 points woth with me today.  It's cold, but not too cold, so I walked to work.  I need to get back to the strength training as well, but realistically, I probably won't until after Christmas.  Just now I'm overwhelmed with getting ready for Christmas early, planning out Hawaii, and dealing with family, and finishing my stats class. (Last lab on Wednesday hooray!).  Of course doing the strength training will help considerably with stress--one thing at a time. If I can get the food under control that will be a big step forward.  It helps that me and Dave went through the fridge and threw a lot of it out last night.

235 Thanksgiving

Well, what can I say? Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I love it. For me the holidays are about joy, and abundance of all kinds--food included. It's almost noon today and I haven't eaten yet.  I will soon though--but probably not as terribly as one might expect--the big downfall is the cheeseball and crackers.

I'm afraid this blog might become quite depressing over the next year. Mom's tumor is back and she rested for most of yesterday.  This will be the last holidays that we get to have her. Losing my mother makes me sad. Dealing with the aftermath of both houses--makes me both frightened and very angry. Dad's house would fit right into any reality show.  But this blog is about my real life and succeeding in a difficult task. It would be lovely if I could lose weight in a nice stress-free bubble, but I can't.  These next few years are going to involve tremendous upheavals--death, drugs, disability, evictions, a vast amount of clean-up and heaven only knows what else. I resent my father and sister for dumping all of their problems into mine and Lisa's laps because they have been too lazy to deal their problems themselves. I feel victimized and furious. But okay.  That's what life handed me, and my job is to grow past the crisis--become less victimized, less furious and more filled with love and charity. In short, I intend to win this fight. However wretched my family, I can choose happiness and success in weight loss or anything else. 

233 Not bad

Okay!!  The day before Thanksgiving and I weigh 188.  I can live with that---no matter how much I eat tomorrow I wont gain more than a pound or two. And paradoxically, as soon as I state here that I just want to hold the line until after the holidays--I find that I'm not looking forward to overeating as much as I thought. I got the new Cooking Light magazine and the recipies sound amazing. There's even a sample 7 day plan--which is totally impractical, but it sounds appealing to eat a wide variety of good things (great things if you actually made everything from the magazine), and weirdly the smaller portions sound appealing too!!!  Whatever!--Today I give up trying to figure out my rebellious mind.  I will spend the day cooking pies with Catherine with frequent forays into the living room to play wii dance.

232 New Plan

Ok--I've been searching high and low for motivation and it just isn't there. Course it doesn't help that the day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'd still love to break 180 before Hawaii, but to my great irritation I honestly don't want to do that as much as I don't want to engage in the behaviors that would make that possible.   FRUSTRATING!!!  So, here's the new plan. DON'T GAIN WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAYS.  I'm enjoying myself wholeheartedly for Thanksgiving day but using some restraint the day before and after. I will count points as faithfully as I can manage until we go to Hawaii--won't worry about the luau at the Polynesian Cultural Center, but otherwise will do my best to keep a lid on things and get plenty of exercise and eat lots of pineapple. New Years Day I hope to be renewed and join the rest of the country in the quest for fitness. So--GOAL---weigh 187 or less on New Year's Day.  I have a sinking feeling that this will present more than enough of a challenge.

231 senate lunch

Today's challenge--the free lunch at the student senate meeting. Last time they had those delicious sandwiches that look like they ought to be filling but just aren't! Got a good night's sleep, brought the big cup for water back to work and will get my walking in. Happily am wearing my very nice wool lined pants that I bought a long time ago at the DI of all places.  When I first got them I couldn't even get them buttoned.  Now they not only button, but the pleats lay flat.  Nice!  I'm going to join the ZERO project at work--meaning gaining zero weight over the holidays.  Oddly, I'm just not that worried about Thanksgiving. If I feast from the day before Thanksgiving until Jan 1st, sure I'll be in trouble, but Feasting for the big day and the day after? then feasting on Christmas day have never caused me problems.  It's being cautious about the rest of the time that's hard. :) 

230 Body reaction

LONG day yesterday.  I took the Ford to the doctor--I think it's a starter problem, and I just pray the problem is cheap. It was a good decision because I needed to exercise and the walk home from the mechanics was just the thing. Then I called my drug addict sister to see if I could take her out to dinner. Then planned and did the Thanksgiving shopping.  Oh my. The house is full of butter and sugar and chocolate, but not really anything to eat. Thanksgiving is fun. Then I went to SLC to take my sister out--she called just as I was leaving and said she was too sick to go. Very well might have been true. I went down anyway to talk to my other sister.  As it turned out it saved both money and calories. ZERO appetite. It was good to talk to Lisa and her roommate Kristin--who is one of the most tremendous people I've ever known.  For the moment there doesn't seem to be a great deal we can do for my nephew, but there might be some very good things we can do overall. It was a good conversation, and I'm coward enough to be very relieved that we don't have to drag my nephew kicking and screaming out of the house just before the holidays. 

I've been a little more aware of how my body and mind process emotional trauma. For one thing, my mind can't/won't absorb it all at once. I felt a literal ache in my heart. Also, I'm escaping into happy things in the form of the Anne of Green Gables series--haven't read them in years and they're just the anecdote now.  I didn't want dinner, and when I got home even though it was 11:30, I needed time to decompress. I put on my all time favorite movie--the six volume Pride and Prejudice (again pure escapism) and wrapped a few presents. Actually went to bed about 1:00 a.m. Woke up at 7:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I'm a real 8-9 hour person normally. I picked up the house, wrapped presents and forgot to call someone for church. I haven't been particularly sad---my mind is replaying certain parts of last night, but there is not a great deal of emotion attached. I think I'm a little bit numb. I appreciated church although most of it seemed to be bouncing off of me. But I read the 23rd psalm last night and again at sacrament and I am amazed at how literally true it is. I was tired, but I did not sleep in church (an unfortunate problem I sometimes have). After church I drove to the airport to pick up Dave. GOOD to have him back. We had dinner and now it's almost 9 and I am truly tired. I'm going to bed early and am sure I'll be in better spirits tomorrow.  Food-wise is interesting too--I want sugar and chocolate--but not unreasonable amounts of it. On the contrary--I wanted the things I've been used to eating the last 230 days.  THAT signifies some real food changes I think.

229 Visual

Saw the new Twilight movie--quite fun!  Learned a couple of things too. The first was a big DUH! moment.  I am an EXTREMELY visual person, and am strongly motivated by beauty.  I was watching the wedding scene (I've always had a weakness for bridal gowns) and felt a jolt of motivation. I assume because there are thin people all around me that I should be motivated enough by that, but usually no--because while clothes are often nice, they don't usually stop me in my tracks and when they do, I can't exactly stare like I would at a sunset or a movie screen.  I need to stare! I will make a point of finding pictures that motivate me from here on out.

Second--I'll never order the large shake at the movies again. Happily, it was a waste of money. I treated myself to dinner at the Sonora Grill a very nice Mexican restaurant which came with chips, so I didn't feel as though I wanted movie popcorn too, but I did want dessert. I ordered a large grasshopper shake with reeses cups. Ugh. I barely ate the top off the shake--love reeses cups, but there were so many in the shake (YUM!) that I bet it would have been like eating 6 candy bars. As it was, the part I did eat, was still too much, but I'm happy that at least I didn't feel like eating the whole thing.

I'm not looking forward to today. I need to do the major grocery shopping. But the thing I dread is to go to SLC and discuss with Lisa what needs to happen to best support my nephew. I'm sure I won't want to do what needs to be done, but I am determined to do what's right. This would be made a great deal easier if I were sure if what I think is right really IS right.

228 treading water--or something

I ought to rename this blog something like "treading water" or "stalled again."  Basically, I'm just maintaining with no real desire to push forward other than I'd really like this weight to be gone!! Today I'm having lunch with the math dept, then probably a movie. Even a small movie popcorn has a lot of points, but I don't think this movie is worth the full out food orgy that the Harry Potter movie was worth.  Exercise a little in short supply too. I wasn't done with my day until 9:00 p.m. yesterday, so all I did was some very gentle wii.  Today, I could have chosen to walk to work, but I didn't because I want to drive over and get movie tickets and then do a little Christmas shopping. Keep at it (sort of), keep at it (sort of) is the mantra here.  And remind myself that it's ok. If I arrive at Jan 1st at this weight, it will be disappointing, but still it's 20 pounds gone this year. Maybe next year will be another 20 pounds and I'll be almost at goal!

227 long day

Strangely don't feel nearly as badly about family as I did about Riley's baptism in Sept. I think it's because I'm in control--more or less. I only have to make decisions and others can act however they want. Whereas with the baptism, it was too important to me that people that I couldn't control behaived in a certain way. Anyway, I'm grateful for the absence of depressed feelings today. Although today will be a LONG day.  I got up early to take Dave to the airport, then to work, then a stats test right after--those always take at least 2 1/2 hours and then harp lesson right after that. I won't be done till 8 or 9 tonight.  Too long. But some bright spots are that today is the bookclub lunch--maybe that shouldn't qualify as a bright spot since it means eating off track, but it IS nice to have a break today.  Also, I've learned from previous experience not to take a test hungry, so I have some nuts and deli meat. Actually, this weekend is proving hard to manage--I might go to the movies tomorrow, and I hope to be taking Christine out to dinner, and I'll be doing the grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. Overscheduling is always an issue. This weekend is my choice though--I only HAVE to do the shopping, pick up Dave from the airport on Sunday, and take Christine out. I WANT to do a bunch of Christimas shopping. Anyway---I continue to mantain what for me is a low weight, but it's frustrating, because I want to lose---I just don't want to work for it.  I'm also still fantasizing about Cheesecake Factory Buffalo bites, but it would be awfully expensive to take Christine there--not to mention setting a horrible example and blowing my eating plan all at the same time.  Just no end to the bad choices a person can make, :)

226 Dark

Difficult situations with my family. Very ugly, very scary.  I hate HATE conflict and I'm being forced into decisions that are guaranteed to cause a lot of grief. --That makes it sound as though I'm the victim. No, I can act as I please. I just can't act as I please and still face myself in the mirror in the morning. I will do what I must.  I'm reminded of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies--when he says, "I wish this thing had never come to me," and Gandalf replies-"so do all who live to see such times."  It's a comforting thought. I'm far from alone in having to face things I don't want to face. A scripture is also very much with me just now, "I will go before your face, I will be on your right hand and on your left and mine angels round about you to bear you up."

I'm so thankful that this scripture applies to me even though my role is a comparitively small one. It's Lisa who will bear the brunt of the current catastrophe. She is a person of rare courage.

225 Chili

A very good day yesterday and I anticipate a very good day today too. I subscribe to "Cooking Light" magazine and they have terrific food. I have to be a little careful because sometimes the receipes are just "lighter" not actually light, but most of the time it's great stuff.  I made a big pot of sweet potato and black bean chili and had a good size bowl with some wasa crisps and laughing cow cheese.  I only had to count the cheese. This left me enough points to have a reeses cup for dessert.  I brought the same again for lunch today, and tonight I'll have mac and cheese with salad. The filling foods plan is a nice vacation from counting every morsel. (I only have to account for 7 extra points a day if I want them--this lets me have butter on my toast, or a dessert).  I wouldn't want to do it forever-I'd be bored silly, but for now it feels great. 

I think I might pass after all on my cheesecake factory orgy. This isn't due to virtue, but because I'm tired of driving to SLC or Provo all the time. Instead, I might take myself to see the new Twilight movie on Friday and have dinner somewhere around here. At the moment--probably because I'm full--I don't feel compelled to feast.  We'll see how it goes.

Exercise-wise, I'm a little worried. I've been ok walking to and from work, but my knees still aren't very happy with me. Now I'm paranoid that my left knee is going to blow out. They both feel equally rickety and I'm not sure what to do about it. Probably just keep icing and maybe wear the brace more than I do. That half marathon isn't that far behind me--I guess this will just take time. As always, far MORE time than I think it should.

224--no bread subs

Hmmph. WW as usual manages to rub me the wrong way.  Although, today I admit, it's only because they are telling me what I don't want to hear, which is not a flaw on their part.  But being clueless IS a flaw. I called to ask about the bread on the filling foods plan (you eat anything from a list and don't need to track points).  As I mentioned yesterday, the bread they call ok is generally gross--I called to ask if substitutions were ok so long as the substitute was healthier than what they recommend?  First lady had NO IDEA the filling food plan even existed--but to her credit she passed me on to a leader and the leader did know all about it. She said she had even looked this up last week and NO--there are no substitutions, she didn't know why but NO. WHY don't the leaders know?  Bread is a huge issue for lots of dieters. I'd love to know the reasoning/science behind the program. Why is a 120 calorie white bread hamburger bun ok, but a slice of whole wheat bread is not? 

I suppose I can always tamper with the program on my own and see if I lose weight or not. If I lose--good. I think though that if I AM messing with the program that I'd better be very careful about anything not on the list. Let's see--what am I likely to want?  Whole wheat tortillas---I usually only eat one when I count points--how about a compromise?  One is ok on filling foods, but more than one I will count? I also like to make italian hard rolls--these are fat free, but made from white flour. I like to eat two or three of these. Same deal? One ok--more than that count at the 3 points a piece that they are? The other thing would be homemade whole wheat bread--I actually don't make this a lot, I just want it now because I'm annoyed at ww. I'll have to choose the right reciepe obviously bread made with honey and shortening is a problem, but I have some very good fat-free reciepes too.  I wonder if the ww problem is just that they can't very well say it's ok to substitute because people will go bananas and rationalize all sorts of things and ww can't control homemade recipies? I hope that's the case. I did talk to Mike, the health nut in the office, and he thinks as long as the substitution is equivalent there is no reason why I shouldn't.

I'm thinking the real danger is that whereas I would never eat 5 hamburger buns. I could very easily eat half a loaf of fresh homemade bread and I'm sure doing either one would derail weight loss darn it.  I think I've made up my mind. For me, ONE serving of a sub is ok, more than one I will count for points. Hopefully that will keep me happy (or at least happier) and still allow me to drop.

223

Gorgeous fall day. I've decided to go on the WW core plan for at least this week. Obviously, I'm not wanting to limit portions on anything just now.  I think I'm just plain bored. Of course the core plan is boring too, but at least it's different for the immediate moment. I'll have to figure what to do about the bread though. the ww plan is weird---on the core plan I can have as much diet bread as I want but also regular cheapo white carb blech hamburger and hotdog buns?? But not whole wheat tortillas?  What's up with that? Maybe I'll try and ask a human about that tomorrow.  I'm sure they're trying to limit carbs---so I'm nervous about tampering with the program and saying things like, "since hamburger buns are ok, therefore these tortillas are ok too." Because it's too easy then to eat four or five tortillas, whereas I'd never eat four or five pieces of the diet bread--who would ever really want to eat any?

222 uhhh ooops

As predicted the food at Disney on Ice was indeed outrageous. No problems there. I had a couple of handfuls of popcorn.  What WAS problematic were the shortbread cookies Mom made. This was my fault. I reminded her of these cookies--they come from a mix and she brought them to Thanksgiving dinner once. They are almost pure butter with a hershey's kiss in the middle.  I hate to think of the points on these. I think the day's total of these cookies was seven? Ummm.  Then Mom made homemade chicken soup. A great choice. With thin slices of garlic toast.  Not such a great choice. Four slices--maybe five?  Then there was the wedding reception I forgot about with a hot-chocolate bar.  At least I managed to save the peach cobbler (very cool wedding) for tomorrow. And Catherine made a sweet corn bread--small piece. The upshot is that blech---I'm sugared out.  On the positive side though my knees are finally well enough that I dared to do dance dance on the wii. Great workout both yesterday and today.

221 Fat behavior today

Oh well, skinny behavior yesterday, fat behavior today. Scale read 187--meh ok. The fat behavior I'm engaging in is that I want to be very careful counting points--but I'm going to start until Sunday.  Why not sooner?  Well.....tonight is pizza night! and tomorrow we're going to Disney on Ice. Actually, tomorrow might be pretty well on track--who can afford to buy food at something like Disney on Ice? So, I'm not planning on pigging out. The plan is to be on track--But to be very well and carefully on track starting Sunday. That friends, is fat behavior--starting tomorrow, making promises for the future rather than doing the right thing today.

I was reading a story on Calorie Count the other day--this woman was EXACTLY like me. Same age, about the same weight, PCOS, and arthritis. Like me, she battled the first 20 pounds, then she writes that she "quit making excuses" and the rest of the weight just melted off.  It's nice to read about someone who had an easier time at the end!  So why don't I do that?? Why don't I quit making excuses and quit rationalizing some new reason to eat the wrong things on almost a daily basis?  I don't entirely know--two things---I'm simply not quite ready to give up. I can go to the store and see something I want and not buy it and that's ok. But to want FOOD and not eat it----that is NOT ok. Everything yells that I'm missing out! I've forever lost my chance to enjoy whatever it is, and I'm being massively and unfairly deprived!! 

The other reason (excuse?) I don't fight those feelings as much as I could is just plain fear. I do NOT want to fight that battle---get all the way down to goal weight only to discover that the battle has exhausted me and that I can't maintain the effort. The consequence then would be that I'd regain all the weight.  I am just plain afraid of that.

So--I'm trying to maintain a sort of uncomfortable balance. Rather than to fight, to try to change. This makes it hard to tell if I'm being smart, or just rationalizing bad behavior. I suspect it's a good mix of both most of the time. But it's ok to stretch myself and a good bout of careful counting will not hurt me (especially when I fully plan to go to the cheesecake factory next week).  Darn it.  I am simply determined that I am going to both lose weight AND eat whatever I want at the cheesecake factory when I want to.  Wish me luck with that one!

220 Almost skinny behavior

I can NOT believe how busy I've been. Why haven't things eased up since Catherine's gone to college? Anyway, counting down the days till my stats course is finished. And speaking of stats---I had to get some help from my professor and the only time I could possibly get away was on my lunch 1/2 hour. I really don't like doing that because I like my lunch. But I was equally busy yesterday and so I did what I maintain is actually a skinny thing to do! That is, I didn't worry much or think much about it! I just grabbed a few things that would be quick and easy to eat while I'm at the front desk--namely, a cup of soup, a bagel and two fig newtons--and a few olives as an afterthought. I often see naturally thin people just grab something fast like a granola bar or a yogurt and call it lunch. Clearly this is not something one would want to do all the time, but the concept of other things besides food dominating your life is a good one. Food is great, but I don't want to be so chained to it that I freak out if I don't have a terrific lunch--or even----gasp! SKIP lunch altogther!  I'm not advocating meal skipping--I just want to get to the point where I treat food the same way I treat a sunny day---love it and enjoy it while it's there--not worry overmuch if it's a rainy day.

219 EWWWWW

I continue to be both reasonably on-track, but also sloppy about counting.  I actually missed counting yesterday. It was a long day with a Relief Society meeting at the end of it. When I came home I wanted a gingerbread cookie and one of those 2 pt Halloween chocolates and a glass of milk. Was this within range? Maybe? It annoyed me that I didn't know.  Today I will track and I will know and that makes me feel better. I especially love it when I make plans that include things like snickers bars or sleeves of almonds or cookies.

 I want to get on my soapbox again about issues diet plans never seem to deal with.  I was talking to a friend yesterday who is super overweight. She's perceptive enough to realize that one of the big reasons she's overweight hasn't gone away so it's unlikely that she will lose weight. Another reason is that when she has lost weight in the past her skin gets all loose and saggy everywhere and she's actually grossed out by this. She feels she actually looks better fat than thin--and she's probably right! She'd have a hard time affording surgery. I wish weight loss companies would talk more about the BENEFITS of being overweight. How can a person possibly lose weight if they aren't dealing with the things they are giving up? I haven't even heard the obvious ones--food and exercise dealt with very well.  One of the prime benefits of being overweight for me is the food.  The food is FANTASTIC. Yes, I know a turkey sandwich is better for me than a blue cheese bacon burger. I need more help than the industry offers in wanting the sandwich. Come on WW---I can't turn off the brain that is calling for the burger---news flash---I don't WANT the turkey sandwich.  Anyway, same with exercise--in the short term it feels much better to sleep in than to get up and exercise. Saggy skin is not socially acceptable. Losing weight can upset the comfort of a marriage. And what about clothes? This is a minor one, but it IS a small obsticle.  Yes, it's great to buy new and smaller clothing, but what if you don't have a lot of money? What if you're my friend Jennifer who has invested a great deal of money into great clothes that won't fit anymore? Last weekend I realized that my all time favorite sweatshirt is not wearable anymore--it's waay too big and I look like a homeless refugee. Part of me is cheering--but the other part is just as real and it is sad to see that sweatshirt go.  Sometimes it's nice to be fat and invisible--people pay more attention to beautiful people thus opening up a whole pandora's box of new ways to make mistakes. 

So---issues big and small.  Of COURSE being at a healthy weight outweighs the drawbacks. I think most overweight people know this and even accept it in their heads. It's the heart that needs a little help.

218 Small Mom

Good day yesterday until the very end. I walked to and from work--this is a good workout especially in the mornings because I always leave late and so have to walk as fast as I can.  Both my legs feel unusually tight though. I'll have to break down and actually do some stretching.  It was a long day. After work we took the green car down to SLC--with Catherine at BYU and my parents getting older, I am seeing a whole lot more of the freeway than I care too!  These cars have been a royal pain. I won't go into detail here. Basically we had three cars and only need two.  I just hope we got rid of the right one! All three have suddenly decided to have issues. I have romatic feelings about the days of horses--at least when they get old they reproduce!  Anyway, we took the car to Mom's. She's looking awfully small and thin. And I'm sure she wasn't always that short.  I'll be thankful when the chemo is over for her. On the whole she's been tolerating it well, but these last few rounds have been hard on her, and she was complaining that she can't get warm. It's just hard to see her that way. This is my indestructible German Mom!!  But she's cooking--and that's a good sign. Unfortunately what she had cooked was a streusel-topped pumpkin cake. Oh YUM. The topping involved nuts, sugar and heavy cream. I really couldn't get out of having one small piece (not that I wanted to get out of it). But it's the second small piece that I'm feeling a little guilty about. It's a miracle I didn't weigh 300 lbs in high school. I grew up on stuff like this. It was considered legitimate breakfast food! No wonder I was always hungry--very few fruits and veggies and I must have always been crashing from sugar highs. This also explains why "normal" food is so unsatisfying. I think my mind demands a certain (large) amount of fat, carbs and sugar before I feel as though I've eaten anything at all. Far from feeling sluggish and weighed down, I feel GREAT after a typical German meal of bread, butter, wurst, cheese and dessert. My only problem is that I don't have a farm to go to to work it off. Oh well, things are slowly changing. I read somewhere that "you crave what you know." Very true. I can honestly say that now my German meal would seem incomplete to me without a fruit or veggie to go with it.

 On the bright side last night, even though both me and Dave were tired and stressed and hungry--we didn't bolt to the nearest fat-laden restaraunt. We went home and had soup and sandwiches and then went to SLC.

217 MY WAAAAAY

A happy day today. 186!!! A new record low! I feel like bursting into song and singing 'myyyyy waaaaaay.' All I can say is that the mind is a treacherous thing sometimes, and life really is based on the way you look at things. Last week I was ready to quit--191--only two pounds down from last summer and completely unmotivated.  This week 186 which is almost 10 pounds from where I was last summer. So today I feel as though all things weight loss are possible and am remembering with gratitude and relief all the mountains of off-track food I've eaten since April. I've loved eating in Aruba, and at the movies, and at Olive Garden and Zuppas. I love that when I work as hard as I can on weight watchers (which admittedly, even on the most rigid days isn't all that horrible), I can look forward to a real Thanksgiving weekend on MY terms. That means cooking all day Wednesday--without worrying about every taste. Eating freely and without guilt on Thursday. Having leftovers on Friday, and then maybe thinking about moderation again on Saturday when I'm sick of turkey anyway (a shame, the turkey is the one thing that wouldn't be bad for me to keep having). 

It's a good feeling---all my life I've been trying to eat anything I've wanted and still lose weight. It's one of the wishes if I ever come across the magic lamp--and I almost have it! If I'm content to move slowly then my food life looks pretty darn good! Even on a day like today when I'm on track, I've settled into many meals that feel normal and plentiful and rich and it doesn't seem too hard.  For example, today for breakfast I had a cherry pop-tart, a PB 2 banana, milk, juice and hot chocolate with whipped cream (9 points). For lunch I'll have the last chicken corden bleu roll----it's BIG, and corn and 2 wasa crisps with butter (about 11 points). I'll be snacking on a new discovery--- roasted edamame--yummy!  Dinner will either be the turnip soup I've been trying to get around to fixing for the last two weeks, with crusty bread. Or, if we go to SLC to take the green car to Mom's, Subways.  Liveable. There will probably be some chocolate in there too.

Oh! The last happy thing. After the fast when I finally got my hands on the fajitas yesterday---I was  finished with only 1!! Weird!!  But I was really done physically and psychologically. I was slowing down about 2/3 through and finishing it was a bit of an effort. Granted, I'd eaten some chips and cheese while I was preparing, and I also had a little rice and refried beans, but still---I usually eat all that anyway and then at least 2 full fajitas plus extras and still feel as though I could eat more.  A promising sign!! Someday what I want and what I should have will match!

216 Another Fast Sunday

We always seem to have fajitas on fast Sunday. Actually, it's a really good choice. Today I'm feeling slim and successful.  I did great yesterday. Dave wanted to get some exercise so we walked to an auto parts store 2 miles away. After that, Catherine wanted to do some shopping at Big Lots and some other stores near our house--add in another mile or two or three plus a lot of standing. I was rewarded with some very cute Halloween decorations for next year.  Catherine made her famous chicken cordon bleu for dinner--a surprisingly healthy choice.  And I experimented with tiny apple pies. I bought tiny little tart pans a while ago with an eye toward thanksgiving. This has nothing to do with weight loss. Every year we (meaning me and my mother) make a TON of pies for Thanksgiving, even though there are only 9 or 10 people to eat it all.  The reason is variety! I don't know how other families do it. To my mind an apple and an pumpkin pie are absolutely mandatory, but I also want a lemon merengue, a pecan, a carmel apple, a cheescake, something chocolate, maybe a key lime.. and this is when one can experiment with all those wonderful receipes from cookbooks.  Every year we throw away mountains of pie. ANYWAY--this year I'm making half recepies of pies and making little bite size tarts out of them so I can try every kind. Yesterday's apple pie was an experiment to see if this was even possible--ie: can I get the pies out of the tart pans? YES! Pies are a go!

215 Happy Irrational

Catherine is home for the weekend. It makes it feel like a holiday.  I did very well yesterday. Was moving some boxes around at work so I got a little exercise there too as well as walking to and from work.  I had lots of points left for dinner so I didn't feel too guilty about the pizza and cookies. I actually wanted to do one thing right (as opposed to making myself do something right)--I wanted garlic toast but we hadn't bought any, but just eating pizza and veggie tray stuff didn't sound filling so I made some fake garlic toast with 2 slices of diet bread with I can't believe it's not butter and garlic salt--a three point option.  The good thing was that the toast was a FAR FAR FAR better choice than having another slice or two of pizza--and this choice was NOT about trying to be good. This was a choice about wanting a satisfying pizza dinner.  Anyway the irrational part was this morning--I slept in and went to the bathroom and saw the scale. A little voice in my head said, "Maybe I'll weigh 186!" To which the another part answered--"you had pizza and cookies last night. What do you think you weigh?" "186,!" the real fundamental me answers.   Reality? 187. Which is totally fine--even something of a relief, but silly. Weighing daily is stupid--it doesn't mean anything.

214 Weekend at last

YAY!! Back to 187 and no food catastrophes on the immediate horizon--at least for the next week or so. Might I see 185 before I allow myself to be knocked off course again?  Maybe!! Yesterday was very close to my plan--I always forget I have to work till 5:30 on Thursdays this semester, so I allowed myself to be given a ride home. But I did fix turkey burgers (eaten waaaaay too late) and spent a good three hours with the holiday decorations so I'm feeling pretty good.  Happily, I feel more ready to cope with tracking points again--the weight drop helps. So does feeling better physically. The past six weeks have just been hard physically, but I should soon be able to go to the gym again for strength training.  Next semester I'm not taking a class--I'm going to work on my book instead. Also that opens me up to take "wellness" time on the job, so I'm hoping to be able to do my strength training on work time---uh oh----unless I join the Students in Motion group again for the May 1/2 marathon. I loved that group last year, but that would take up all the wellness time.  Oh well, good to go either way I guess.

Today, I'm just happy that it's Friday. The last two weekends have been fun, but tiring. Catherine is coming down for the weekend, but she's making her own way down so we'll only have to take her up on Sunday.  I'm much too excited about sleeping in tomorrow and Sunday.

213 Zuppas and no stats!

Yesterday was INSANE. I had my big test on Tues and I feel like I spent all day yesterday trying to grind out this miserable lab assignment only to follow it up with actually going to the lab. Dave picked up my dying carcas and we staggered to Zupas--a great sandwich and soup place.  For me, exhaustion is harder to deal with than hunger--if I'm over hungry there is a ghost of a chance that I might still be moderate--but once I get to that level of tired--I am finished.  To my credit, Subways was first choice, but Zupas is terrific, and I didn't put up a fuss. I had a terrific Swiss Cheese and onion soup and a sandwich, I don't feel as though I overate, but it was probably over point. But the assignment is DONE and other than the class I went to today, I'm declaring today statistics free.  It feels great. I walked to work and will walk home too. I had an on track breakfast, and plotted the day on ww--realized that if I want chocolate I shouldn't have as many pop-chips for lunch so I won't.  I'm going to go home after work on a gorgeous fall day, fix turkey burgers and oven fries, put away Halloween decorations, hopefully put out the Thanksgiving and just enjoy life.

212 Coming Back

Well, yesterday didn't go as planned, but it was a good on-track day just the same. I had a big stats test right after work. The original plan was to eat dinner before the test, but when the time came I wasn't very hungry and I really wanted to get the test overwith so that's what I did.  Dinner at home was very close to what I had planned here--"dinner in a pumpkin" as opposed to wylies goulash. The pumpkin dinner had beef instead of turkey, but I also didn't have the crackers and cheeseball to go with it so I figure it evened out.  The thing that didn't happen was exercise. It was too cold and dark to walk home and I was simply too beat to do it---ok, truth is I got derailed by Dave's Star Trek episode, and then I really wanted to practice the harp since I've missed a few days.  So that's what I did---a great harp practice, which I wish happened more often than it does.

Today I hope will be better still.  Despite the cold I walked to work (thighs are unhappy--not as recovered as I thought).  And I'm planning a good on track day complete with chocolate. The big test is behind me, and I think the worst of the semester is over. 

I don't know if I'll make the Hawaii goal, but I feel reasonably confident that I can at least make some progress. One thing I noticed on the marathon that I didn't like AT ALL about myself is the way I never quite seemed to make the goal I set. We did a lot of short jogging spurts. I'd say something like;"lets run to that bench or tree" and then inevitably, I'd jog most of the way and then slow down and start walking the last little bit. Why did I do that? And why am I doing it now? Why am I stopping/slowing down when the goals get close? I can at least work on the jogging part. Next time I'm out for a walk I want to start jogging little bits in hopes of someday being able to qualify for the Disneyland half marathon. I'll make sure the targets I set--the tree, the bench are really close so that there is no question but that I can jog all the way to the target. Weight-loss goals are trickier because I can't control the scale only what I'll do, but now that I'm a little more aware I can make a point to press on more firmly before a big weigh day instead of relaxing just before I get there.

211 Cheeseball!

Ok--almost finished with my snit.  This has been a bad de-railment. It's funny, that I can't tell what my own reactions are going to be.  I often get mad and frustrated about weight loss. Sometimes I can take it instride, sometimes I have a brief lapse, and sometimes, like this time--it's a very close shave to quitting altogether.  Probably one element this time is that I have been working on my relationship with my sister. It's been very positive and I'm so thankful she's been responsive, but it has also been emotionally draining--and since my resources for dealing with powerful emotions without food are not fully developed, perhaps it's not surprising that my motivation has gone out the window. But writing that out makes me feel a whole lot better!! Perhaps there really was a legitimate reason behind my food behaviors--it's not just that I'm a hopeless case doomed forever to be fat. Maybe it's more like having the flu.

In any case. I ate what I wanted yesterday--nice buffet at work (overindulged of course, but did make a point of eating my veggies). My big weakness is crakers and cheeseball.  (I also love salsa, and it occurs to me now that I can eat some salsa with veggies for free!) I also ate 4 pieces of pizza--a mistake on all fronts because I was full after 3.  It's funny how "impossible" it seems to be able to calculate points for anything when I'm off track. Even the healthy chili I brought myself came out really thick so I don't know the points.  Also exercise seems extra difficult. My legs feel almost normal again today and I had good intentions of walking to work, but it was raining and dark so I didn't.  Big deal! I usually walk in all but the very worst weather!

But today I think the food "flu" is beginning to pass off. I got on the WW site and tracked. True, I dont know how much the chili is worth, but I can guess pretty darn well! I brought my points calculator to work and worked out the points for the left over crackers and cheeseball.  LOVE cheeseballs. I'm blowing a full 10 points today on crackers and cheeseball.  I also have pumpkin seeds, and a reeses pumpkin.  Depending on how long my test takes after work I'll either walk home or ride the bike when I get there.  I very much like that I know that I can eat chili and crackers and cheeseball and chocolate for both lunch and dinner and know that I'm not going to pay a price on the scale.  I'm being gentle--I suppose in theory I should drop to 29 pts since I've been overeating all weekend, but I'm not. I'm starting from today at 36 a day (the 49 pts divided up over the week) and calling it good enough. I hope it will be. I'm still wanting to break 180 before Hawaii, but this feels right to me today.

210 Halloween

Thank goodness again for this blog. It helps even when I'm half-hearted about it. The marathon soreness is just beginning to wear off. I'm determined to do more--I can see why these things are addicting. The sense of accomplishment is terrific. Food-wise, I've been off track--the most off track I've been yet in this journey.  But even that is good---I've been coming face to face with restaraunts lately and and find that not only do I come away defeated, but I don't even wish to fight!

But this I can work with and on. Thanks to the marathon I am still at 189 despite Olive Garden and Lisa's Halloween party. Okay. What am I so afraid of missing out on? Do I really think I'll never visit the Olive Garden again? Or can never buy another treat?  When Dave goes to Boston before Thanksgiving, I am planning to go to the Cheesecake factory in SLC, because I'll be alone (therefore 1 meal is comparatively cheap), and because I didn't get to enjoy it very much in Denver. I want to order the buffalo bites again.  This is good to think about--I went to the Cheesecake factory in Houston once and that was all for over 10 years. Restaurants close, or I move--there is no Old Chicago in Ogden.  So there is a strong element of rarity--better enjoy it now because I can never get it again, an element of celebration, and also an element of diet-free relief---"I'm not going to worry about ww tonight---I can have what I want!" All of these feelings are powerful.

One thing that might help is exercising heavily in the morning--I'm not actually prepared to do this yet, but on Saturday, we went to Goodwood BBQ--and I didn't even care. I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't very hungry at Lisa's party either.  I don't think I need to run 10 miles every morning, but I bet if I did I wouldn't want to eat as much as I do now. So,  you'd think I made good decisions Saturday? NO. I ate less than I might have, but still way too much very high carb/calorie stuff. Why? Because psychologically I could. Saturday might have been a day when I could have used intuitive eating principles to my advantage and not eaten much because I didn't want much.  I'd love to drop ww and go to intuitive eating all the way, but I know I'm not ready. It's still too hard to stop eating when the food is too good or the occasion demands it.

OK--today is Halloween---I'm exusing myself from exercise because honestly, just getting out of the chair is a major effort.  We had a potluck at work and I thoroughly enjoyed the crakers and cheeseballs--my weakness, but I also ate a lot of veggies. I'm not planning on a huge pigout tonight. I'll have one or two reeses peanutbutter pumpkins (have already had a small one here) and call it good.  Tomorrow I'll go back to counting properly and still keep working working working on this problem. I'm still ok--but I won't remain ok unless I take a firm grip on myself IMMEDIATLEY!!

209 Another Half!

Provo Halloween Half Marathon is run and done!! My knees did just great!!! I'll be writing a thank you cards to the therapists at Ogden Clinic. Catherine did simply terrific finishing in about 3:20--she says she "wogged" it. Half run half jog. My friend Jane and I definitely walked although we did jog little bits here and there. We finished at about 3:50. This marathon has a steep down hill the first 5 miles--people have lost toenails over it--my toenails are fine, but the insides between my toes are a massive pile of blisters.  Both me and Catherine are walking like zombies today, but we are proud zombies.

208 meh

Wow, I'm really in a slump. Not a going bananas kind of slump, but a --I'm going to eat out this weekend so it's hard to even care kind of slump. To compound the blah feeling I was watching the "Eat this, Not That" segment on the Today show.  Sheesh. Again, no wonder I have a weight problem. They showed this tiny little pan pizza, it had about 2500 cal-and enough fat and salt to equal 64 pieces of bacon. A modest serving of buffalo wings from Outback was almost equally deadly. It makes me feel as though I can't go to a restaraunt and eat anything I might want--I'm forever supposed to ask for broiled chicken and steamed veggies. Of course that's not true, but it feels true. And I feel as though I'm between a rock and a hard place--I WANT to go to Olive Garden--I don't particuarly want to ingest 3,000 calories of fat, but neither do I want to skip the breadsticks or skip what I want.

206 regaining control

Trunk or treat not bad. I could have done without the second muffin, but otherwise I was moderate and there wasn't much candy to get a hold of.  I feel better today because I was back down 2 pounds--hooray for exercise. I'm still kind of in an irritated non-tracking mood, but luckily, I've been plugging away at this long enough that I my auto-pilot mode is not too far off track.  Let's see---for breakfast I had a bowl of kashi cereal and milk (8 pts), for lunch a taco salad with about 3 pts of meat, 3 of cheese and a 3 pt plain bun. snacking a bit out of control--a 3 pt ww popcorn, a piece of chocolate, a sixlet candy, and a 2 pt mini snickers bar. Now I'm eating my planned snack--of 1/2 cup fiber cereal and a banana.  For dinner i made a ravioli with pumpkin alfredo out of the cooking light magazine. Didn't figure out the points, but Ihave a rough idea of what the ravioli is worth and I won't pig out. The two pounds helps me feel as though it's worth making the effort. I'll track better tomorrow and friday during the day. I just wish I could eat at Olive Garden without consequences darn it!

205 the ebb and flow

Maybe one of the real secrets of losing weight is simply not quitting altogether when one is feeling unmotivated.  Right now I'm unmotivated--I need to remember that it's natural, nobody is going to be 100% motivated all the time the motivation will come back--all I need to do is to not throw away the good things I've done, and when I feel fired up again, down I'll go! Well, hopefully, I'll go down before that. Part of the problem is my statistics class---it's hard and I'm tired of it. But my goodness! It will be over in just over a month--that's not long at all!! and the horrible lab will go away too!! But still, the class is blotting the sun on my horizon and it feels eternal even though the end is in sight.  Losing weight is a problem because the end is NOT in sight. Never has been. But that's ok--it's a lifestyle I'm working on.  And I haven't been horrible, just tired and sloppy. Yesterday was sloppy, because I went visiting teaching and Bro. Hawkins served up some chili.  I hadn't planned on chili for dinner, but it was good and I was thinking of having popcorn when I got home. I did. And some deli meat and cheese and olives too. Nothing horribly high point, but still a little out of control. Tonight is more chili---the ward trunk or treat. Luckily things like doughnuts and cupcakes don't tempt me too much. Reeses cups and almond joy bars are another story, but even if I get a hold of that it will only be a fun size.

204 take it back

Okay, I take it back. 191 AGAIN. And I am a little discouraged. The very real part of me that wants to quit is SHREIKING "You haven't made any progress since JUNE!!!!".  Which is sort of true. I'm trying to remember what's also true---ahem---I've spent far more time down in the 180's than 190's in the last month. I can exercise again. Some things are becoming a little easier.  And so what if I have been sitting at 191 for months? Is that the worst thing? (YES!) No!!!!  I worked hard to get there--it's still a spectacuarly low weight for me--best in 20 years! And I've been maintaining it. OK. Deep breath. Keep fighting. This battle will take some time. It might take two or three years and that's ok because I'm changing my spirit along with my body.  I don't seem to be willing yet to compromise much with restaraunt food. I want what I want what I want.  This weekend I have the 1/2 marathon--which also means dining out the night before and right afer--then there is Lisa's Halloween party--I think I can be reasonable at the party. If nothing else I might not be willing to move from my chair to the table to get seconds. But I AM willing to fight between restaraunts. Maybe if I accept that I really love restaraunts.  I can begin to loosen my strangle hold grip on restaraunts---we do eat out a whole lot less than we used to thanks to the economy, but I really need to deal with going out and how to make better choices without feeling deprived.

Ummmmmmmm------coming up blank. I want to go to Olive Garden on Friday. I want the steak and gorgonzola, lots of breadsticks, salad and probably dessert. First off, this is perfectly ok to have. It's only not ok if I eat a massive lunch the next day and pig out at Lisa's party too.  I don't know what I'll feel like after the marathon or where we'll go--but I think I can maybe make ok choices if I feel good about Olive Garden first--I'll probably want protein and that's good. Plus, there's a good chance I might not be that hungry. Extreme exercise kills my appetite. There are such things as take out containers. I'll have Catherine remind me of that.

203 Hike the Y!

Back after a fun weekend at BYU with Catherine. It is such an amazing place. So much about it is world class, it's just exciting to be there and wonderful that Catherine is there now too.  I met with the therapist on Friday morning and he sent me home with a big wrap around brace--I don't know what I expected the brace to look like, but I was expecting something more important looking. Doesn't matter---that brace worked!! I could feel that it was holding my knee where it was supposed to be--so I could walk and climb stairs and do everything without worrying!  It made all the difference!!!!  I walked all over on Friday and on Saturday I hiked the Y--about 2.5 miles round trip but really steep.  I was worried about the downhill part but I did just fine!! Today I'm taking it easy, but tomorrow I will put the brace on and walk to work. YAY!!  Food-wise....JDawgs and Awful waffle were great.  It's somehow fitting that one of the places where I used to live now serves waffles were one can order a half a stick of butter as a side!!  YIKES!  I passed on the extra butter, figuring the nutella was sin enough.  The luau was a big let down food wise. Mediocre carbs carbs and more carbs.  I've got to learn to quit eating mediocre food--it's one thing to ingest a bunch of calories because something is wonderful and I'm truly enjoying it. It's another thing altogether to eat a bunch and not even get any pleasure out of it.  I should have simply had the chocolate cake and been done with it.  I was afraid to get on the scale today--I'm sure the exercise didn't compensate for the food, but I will tomorrow and not lose heart. The marathon is back on track and so am I. It's easy to slip back into good habits. Almost a relief.  A pancake for breakfast, a wrap for lunch, and a potroast for dinner and fresh baked cinnamon pull a-parts for dessert.  I still miss big chunks of cheese, but by and large I can live like this.

200 Getting bored

Day 200 already---two hundred days---20 pounds. (Down 40 from the all time high) Wow that's slow--but as long as I maintain that pace...300 days 30 pounds, 400...40 pounds. Thats quite a lot lost over the course of a year!  I still hope and wish for a faster pace, but I think that's exactly why I've never been able to lose before. The pace--even though the books said it was moderate (a pound a week or whatever) was just too much for me. I couldn't endure the lifestyle--and since I couldn't learn to accept the new lifestyle quickly enough to stay on the diet and lose weight, I never lost more than 10 pounds before I ran screaming back to butter and cheese.  This time is the first time that I've ever realized that I had a CHOICE. I can, in theory, stick to ww perfectly and lose a bunch quickly, or I can do what I'm doing--stick as well as I can with plenty of room for detours. Tomorrow I'm having a J-dawg and an "awful waffle" for lunch and a luau for dinner. Obviously this will slow me down, but for the first time that's OK. I don't want to live a life where I feel like I have to eat 3 oz of pork at a luau and bring my own dressing and skip the famous J-dawg.  I would literally rather be fat. It's exilirating to know that I can make progress and still have what I consider to be a goodly amount of Halloween candy--not what ww thinks is a good amount of candy.

Personal choice is the message I would love to give to everyone who struggles with weight. It's so easy to think that you don't know anything. After all, if I knew something then I wouldn't have the problem right? But that's not true. Only I can possibly know what foods are exciting and satisfying to me. Only I can figure out how to build a lifestyle that works for me.

199 better

Ugh--I guess I really am officially up two pounds what a drag. Maybe I needed this though just to prove to myself that exercise is worthwhile. I mean, my head knows it's worthwhile, but overall it doesn't seem to make the slightest difference. I guess it DOES make a difference. I've been non-exercising for almost THREE weeks--this is horrible right before a half marathon. And I'm thinking too of the thousands of calories I would have burned, and the muscle mass I'm losing. Boy, what about people who are down and out for months at a time? It's a testiment to the body's resilience and willingness to bounce back.  I plan to bounce--though gently---the knee is better today, but I'm not going to do more than walk around the duck pond at MOST. 

I'm wondering too if my body is working with me a little bit. I've been regretting that my appetite hasn't decreased along with the exercise. But maybe it HAS! Generally I find it plenty difficult to survive on ww 36 points (that's using all my weekly allowance divided up).  I figured this week, I'd better cut back to the bare bones 29, especially since I have an off-track high weekend coming up. And you know what? It hasn't been any more awful at 29 (ok, it's usually 31) than it was on 36. Maybe my appetite really has reduced at least a little. Whatever the reason, I am grateful.

I shouldn't be so surprised everytime my body works for me and with me. After all, I've abused it badly for over 40 years--the fact that it works at all is a wonder. I still can't figure out why I don't weigh 400 pounds--my heart goes out to the people who do, because I read of their habits and they're not all that much different from my own! (Gives me hope in the other direction--maybe life at 155 won't be all that much different--people at that weight eat pizza too!)

198 Waffles

News flash to weight watchers--telling somebody to go pick up some frozen something does NOT constitute a recipe for that something. Sheesh. I was trying to find a low fat waffle recipe--I think 5 of the six recipes told me to go buy a frozen waffle. The "recipe" was putting different toppings on it.  I found an ok recipe elsewhere--not much to be done about waffles apparently, they are just high point. Bummer.  I continue to do well despite the lack of exercise.  Dead on track yesterday and I will be today too.  My knee is hurting, but the therapist is promising a brace that will allow me to hike to the Y on Sat and still do the marathon!  I hope so! I'll be so disappointed if I can't do the 1/2 marathon.  I'm feeling a bit more patient with myself though. The goal is 179 by Dec 16th--the day we leave for Hawaii.  I can do that--especially once I can start exercising again and the thought of that number makes me feel excited.  I think there is a magic "secret" to weight loss. The secret is PATIENCE.  Not something I'm good at--and not something Americans are famous for. No wonder we have an obesity epidemic!

197 Not acting out

  I've decided to be proud of myself. I'm annoyed and discouraged about my weight, but I am NOT acting out about it. This is new behavior. In the past I've accepted bad news on the scale as "evidence" that my efforts weren't working so why not eat a cheeseburger and be happy? This time around I've been successful long enough and worked hard enough that I don't want to throw it all away over any emotional upset--no matter how "rational" it appears to me. I was careful Sat and yesterday and will be today as well--I'm back in the 180's this morning---barely, but back. It's silly, but it does make a difference in how I feel about myself.  I was thinking about Jennifer here at work--she's been having great success with the core foods plan, and has been on it for weeks. I like that plan too on occasion--it's nice to take a break from counting points. But I was thinking about whether I might want to try it for weeks on end too (always dreaming of miraculous losses of course) and the answer is that NO---I really don't want to do that or any other rigid plan for any length of time. Frustrated as I am and slow as this is, I continue to insist that any success I have be sustainable in the lifestyle that I WANT to have. And that's a slow evolution. Apparently my life contains a whole lot more events such as Friday's luau, holidays, work potlucks, celebrations, movies, eating out, etc. etc. etc. etc.etc, than I had ever realized. As of now, I still find it very difficult to want to manage these events responsibly--who wants to be moderate at a luau?? And the problem isn't just the luau---it's the going out for lunch before and the meals all day Saturday that are the problem.  The core plan is clearly impossible this weekend and the points plan is not very practical with my mind set either.  What to do? As always, do the best I can make the best choices I can without feeling massively resentful or deprived, and trust that eventually the cumulative effect of practicing ww whenever I can will change my mind and my body chemistry so that someday I will only want foods that don't harm me.

One encouraging thing is that this has already happened to some extent--I read that book about the 80 diets around the world--and some of those high calorie people--Blech. White breads, fast foods, and sugar. It honestly sounds awful.

196 Ouch

Oh crud. I must have overdone the knee with the 5K yesterday. It felt just a little achy today, so I just took a gentle walk with Dave on a local trail (getting a traffic ticket on the way to the trail).  It felt really good on the trail--it went uphill and I was getting to the point where I couldn't tell the difference between uphill and down.
Walked the block to church and back---still ok.  Walked to a members house----NOT ok.  It's not back out, but I could feel my knee moving everywhere.  I walked very slowly. Now I'm icing and taking ibu and grumbling.

I was very good about points today. I guess I really do want to break into the 170's before Hawaii, and it's simply not going to happen without work.  Honestly, today I'm not suffering much. I'm going to try to keep it to 30 pts a day since I still have all these darn exceptions coming up on an almost daily basis---coming up Friday, an all you can eat luau.  Anyway, I had a pancake and milk for breakfast, a deli meat wrap (4 pts) for lunch with 6 olives and 3 pts of cheeto puffs and a little raw cauliflower. And a decent slice of meatloaf, 1 cup of mashed potatoes, mixed veggies, and a big bowl of pudding for dinner. Still, I'm irked. I realize the scale is not that great of a measure, but considering that I've been lax, it probably IS a good measure this time, and like I said, I hate it when I get what I deserve---as opposed to what I want!  And yes, I AM still throwing a tantrum.

This experience sums up well what I feel like today---I made homemade hard rolls--these are 3 pts a piece and are nicknamed "baseballs" by the family.  Yeah, well today they turned out the size of ping-pong balls. Fitting.

195 a 5K

Not counting today---I guess I'm still having a semi-tantrum about gaining weight. But I'm not going bananas---quite the opposite in fact.  It's just that I overslept and had to go clean the church. After that I wanted to see if my knee could tolerate a 5K walk.  YES!! But by the time I got back it was lunch time--I had a BLT, some olives, popchips (30 for 2 pts) and just a few cheese curds.  Now I'm taking a break from stats homework--I made myself some popcorn with olive oil (actually prefer it now to butter), and a little chocolate milk. Dinner will be tacos, I think I'll still be very much within points.  In the meantime there are a few thoughts simmering below the surface---simple thoughts---thoughts that everyone else seems to accept and take for granted. The idea that to lose weight I need to maintain a calorie deficit--the human body doesn't like deficits--if I'm in a deficit mode of course I'll feel unsatisfied sometimes---probably a lot of the time.  And here's the thought--it's ok.   I don't know if it's really ok in the face of a good brownie, but I'm beginning to want to regroup, make a real effort and see if I can't break 180 before Hawaii.  Do I really want to do this?

194 Another hmph

Weigh Day--190. What the heck?! I even went out of my way to eat early last night thank you very much. I just hate it when the scale goes up. It scares me. In this case--my exercise is way down thanks to my knee, and I haven't reduced my food intake so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  But still...I just can't help thinking about all the things I didn't eat that I would very much like to have eaten and I think I should be rewarded for all things I pass up!! 

In truth though, I've been coasting for a long time and I know it. The thing is that I'm not quite sure what I want to do about it. With all my heart I do NOT want to be eating even less or more restrictively--certainly not for the long haul.  I'm afraid of starting something I can't keep up--and how discouraging     would it be if I actually hit goal weight only to gain it all back? So I'm feeling stuck today. Unwilling to make more food changes--but afraid that if I don't I'll be sitting at this weight for the rest of my life.  I don't want to get to 155 and find out that maintaining that weight means living a lifestyle that I find horrible.

193 open door

Long day---class in the morning, and I'm teaching the first year experience class tonight--I won't be done till 8:30. I planned out the day tho. I've eaten an early dinner, which I like doing even less than eating a late one, but my body will no doubt appreciate it. The most important thing though by far is that I've opened the door of communication with my sister Lisa. She is a wonderful person, but I've avoided talking about anything deep for YEARS because of guilt over the many things I've left undone and also fear both of her reactions and all the awful things I would hear about my family. True or not these revelations always kill me to hear. Still, she's worth the effort and it's more than high time that I faced my past and tried doing something about the present rather than just worry pointlessly about it.  Sure enough, both of us have vast amounts of pent up emotions that want to come rushing out. We've only been emailing meaningful things for about 3 days and we're both already on information and emotional overload. But it's been a good thing.  A VERY good thing. And I believe it will be a healing and wonderful thing for both of us.  It's like lancing a boil--all sorts of gross things come out and then there can be healing.  The reason I mention it here is that I'll bet that wading through some of these emotional burdens has got to result in some weight loss. That's not why I reached out of course, but I've long known that being overweight was much more about emotion than it ever was about food.  I hope both of us will soon be free-er and happier than we've been before.

192 on a whim

Well! Last night's dinner plans went straight out the window. I was lonely for Catherine all day and she wasn't texting either. It was a beautiful fall day, the car just had a tune-up, I wasn't really needed at RS--so I decided on the spur of the moment to drive out to Provo and take Catherine out to dinner. Unfortunatley we found what has to be the most medicre Thai food in the state. Disappointing--but the company was first rate! Afterwards we went to the creamery where I had a single scoop of mint brownie fudge ice-cream. I have no idea where the points were last night. The ice-cream was at least 10 and the dinner would either be excellent or very poor depending on how much oil they cooked stuff in.  Exercise-wise, I'm still down and out, but getting better. I went to the physical therapist today ($35!!!), and he said I should be good for the 1/2 marathon!!  I'll be under prepared, but I'm still hoping that less weight and better shoes will compensate.  I'm cleared to walk for now but to not "over do".  I plan to be careful---I have to drive to work tomorrow, but should be able to walk up on Friday. Am on track today---things like cheese curds are still hard--I don't want 2 ounces--I WANT half the bag!!! I ate 2 ounces and really, am just fine.

191 ONE piece

Today I did an AMAZING thing. I had ONE--count it, ONE piece of pizza for lunch. It was comical last night how long it took me to realize that having one piece (as opposed to two or three) was even an option.  We had leftover pizza--I wanted some for lunch. In my mind two pieces is the absolute rock bottom serving that exists--but weight watchers attachs a 10 point value to each slice--ouch! and tonight the RS is feeding me a "light" dinner whatever that means, along with Christmas candy sampling and I knew I needed to save a fair heap of points to deal with that.  I began last night by making a tomato cucumber salad--it turned out  bigger than I expected. I slowly began to wonder if I could tolerate a lunch of just a salad and one slice of pizza. I added a double helping of olives and a little feta cheese. Then ever so slowly--like wheels turning that haven't been used in 50 years the thought slowly began to occur to me that I could take 4 wasa crisps with a little butter and garlic salt and that with the pizza and the big salad would be FAR fewer points than two or three slices of pizza, and might feel like an acceptable lunch. And so it was! Of course I'd still like four or five more slices of pizza--but actually, not really. Lunch felt reasonably plentiful. I'm not hungry--I like that I won't gain weight today, I like looking forward to Christmas candy, and I like the size 16 pants I'm wearing.  I missed this size on the way up--we were in Japan when we were first married--when I left I was a 14 a year later coming home, I was a 20. Talk about depressing! I also like that for breakfast I had two crepes and a banana with chocolate peanut butter. I seem to be having a sweet tooth lately--it's nice to indulge it. I love light hot chocolate for 25 cal with ff whipped cream.

I'm still not up to my regular walking--but last night I did take a 1/2 hour walk that started off slowly and carefully, but by the end I was up to regular speed with no pain. I'm very pleased. It's been less than a week and I almost feel back to normal--the only problem is going down stairs. This makes me nervous for the marathon that starts with a steep downhill for 5 miles, but I'll just do all I can do.  I see the physical therapist tomorrow.

190 bad legs

The fast did feel good yesterday, and so does eating right today. I'm slowly, slowly, slowly changing. Yes, I'd like something sweet right now (I mean besides the jawbreaker I'm sucking on), but I'm really ok just saying I'm finished with lunch. I'm making crepes tonight and that will be fine too. It's nice to feel fine with a normal amount of food---not always wanting more.

I wish I could say the same for my poor sister. She's really heavy and went to instacare last night because her legs were so bruised and painful. Pure obesity. She doesn't have blood clots, which was the big fear, only thing to be done is lose weight, exercise and lay off the salt. I'll try and help her all I can, but it's difficult--she refuses to use the computer, refuses to return calls. She's ashamed and feels hopeless in a lot of areas in her life. My Dad has given up. My mom and other sister do nothing but radiate disapproval--this combined with the 100% toxic environment she creates for herself...no wonder she's in despair.

189 Fast

Fasting is a good thing today in every way.  I can think of nothing my whole digestive tract would enjoy more than a few hours off. I'm glad the church has an official fast Sunday. Of course, nothing prevents me from fasting at any time, but being the food-lover that I am, the time to skip food never really comes around. I've learned though this past stomach illness that my addiction is more powerful than simply feeling sick to my stomach. Unless things are pretty terrible, I will ALWAYS want to eat.  I truly feel for those who have even worse addictions than I do. I am 32 pounds overweight--at my all time worst I was 72 pounds overweight.  That's plenty hard enough. I hope someday I really will get my book out and help others travel the road between wherever they are and where they need to be to see success.

Anyway! We had fun in Logan yesterday.  My knee is MUCH better and by mid-afternoon I could almost walk without limping. I did some gentle walking around a few small stores, and in the evening we took a slow walk of about four blocks.  Today I'll increase that a little as well as walk to church. I'll have to be careful. I've stopped taking the prescription anti-inflammatory because it caused unbearable itching all over--these last two days have been AWFUL. I took quite a bit of ibu yesterday, but I don't want to take a bunch on an empty stomach today.

Also, starting today I'll be back tracking on WW. It was kind of pointless to do while I was sick and in Denver, but I've never given up at least a mental tally.

And one more point for the slow road. In French Women Don't get Fat the author talks about the doctor who helped her and others that followed her program. Three pounds in 4 weeks! Nine pounds in 12! The more I see and hear real weight loss stories, the more I'm convinced that this is the about the speed of success.  A little less than a pound a week average. That's a FAR cry from what I've always been taught to believe equals weight loss success. 

188 SLOW is the way to go

     A milestone day!  Today is the day that by blog day exceeds my weight! I realize that this is random, but it still feels good. This is a testiment to the benefits of slow weight-loss---excruciatingly slow in my humble opinion. But it works!!  I mentioned in yesterdays blog that I was up a few pounds--up to 191 to be exact. No surprises there, I REALLY enjoyed the dessert bar and other Denver goodies. I've been home and back on track--not counting, but back to things I normally eat--all of two days and this morning, I'm back to 187! BRAVO!!  The body really does work both ways---I feel as though I sweat and skimp and work and only very reluctantly does my weight do anything but move up.  Well, it's the same when I indulge--apparently my body took my Denver indescrestions and went "What the heck is all this?" and did whatever it took to put my weight back to what it thinks it is--which is happily 187. 
     The insurance--another hurrah for the PEHP people, is working with me too. I emailed my person there and asked what I should do as the evil doctor's scales claim I did not meet my goal for the Aug/Sept block. No prob. I have a 30 day extension to get the doc scales to register 187--which means my scales here need to say 185. Hopefully that won't be a problem. I wish I could do some walking today---I guess I'll be doing a little bit of limping around. We're driving up to Logan to see the leaves and visit the cheese factory. Love cheese curds--but I will go easy on them---or at least have a very light lunch.  I'm HOPING my stomach virus has finally worked itself out. When I woke up today Dave had made bacon and eggs and that actually sounded good, so I ate breakfast for the first time in about two weeks because I wanted to not because I felt I had to.
     And lastly, a fun little happy thing. When I was at the airport checking in, I looked at my drivers license and saw that I actually weigh less than what it says on the license.  Is that even legal?  It feels great, because naturally, I lied about my weight at the time.

187 a dream

Back from Denver and back to blogging. It was a rough trip. My stomach is still out of sorts--which helped a lot as far as overspending and not going completely bananas with the food. Even still, I "overcame" the off stomach enough to put away some really wonderful very high cal food. Artichoke dip at Old Chicago, the most amazing dessert buffet I've ever seen at the hotel, an italian sandwich at a fancy restaurant, key lime pie at Bubba gump shrimp (wasn't feeling well, so the pie WAS dinner), and a full meal at the Cheesecake factory (feeling better then) with the most amazing chocolate coconut cheesecake. Not surprisingly, I'm up a few pounds at the moment.  In addition to the dicey stomach, my knee went out on the last day! I mean really went out--one minute I was fine, the next I couldn't walk. I went to the Dr. yesterday and I have "femoral patella syndrome"--basically loose knee caps. The right knee cap slipped its groove and that really hurts! The treatment is simple--wear a brace and take anti-inflammatories.  It already feels much better and I'm still holding out hope that I can do the 1/2 marathon. The thing I'm worried about is that I can't walk right now and I didn't walk anywhere near as much as normal during the conference--though the Denver conference center is the biggest thing I've ever seen--and we all did get some good walking in just going from session to session. It's frustrating now not to be able to walk--I WANT to walk and do just dance, I'm going nuts just sitting and sitting and sitting. Besides, walking helps my stomach.  But there's not much I can do except let my body heal and do the best I can.

I want to mention an interesting and vivid dream I had just before we left. In my dream I was talking to my cat, Tigger. It didn't look like Tigger in the dream, but that's who it was. Tigger had done something so terrible and even evil (though I couldn't remember in my dream what awful thing he'd done) that he could no longer stay in the house. I was explaining to him that he couldn't stay and I felt so sad. The dream Tigger was a very mean looking cat (the real one is the most lovable snuggly cat you can imagine). I put him out. It was a pretty winter day and he settled down in the yard in plain sight of the window, just as he might on any day, I wondered if he understood that he couldn't come back. I woke up then feeling sad.  When I shared the dream with Dave he asked me what awful thing he'd done? I laughed because I knew the dream didn't represent him. I wonder if it represents my weight problem? If it does, I think the dream is a really good sign--free for all eating represents love and comfort--just like Tigger. It hurts to say farewell to something that's been such a staple for the way I've always lived my life. But hopefully, that dream tells me that I'm doing exactly that.  Sure, overeating FEELS great, but it isn't my friend. It has only ever harmed me. Overeating pretends to fix everything or to make everything more fun, but it steals my life on every level. Overeating has betrayed me and cannot be forgiven. 

However, having said that--I'm so glad that food isn't banished from my life! Food IS my friend. Food gives me life and it can be very good indeed. I'm not sure everything I ate in Denver was justified, but oddly, the only thing I really regret is that second half of the Italian sandwich. I was full--more than full in fact, but I still ate it. That's a mistake. Everything else was genuinely special and, thanks mostly to my weak stomach, I left food on the plate at every meal.  The other good thing I did in Denver was to download French Women don't get Fat onto my Nook.  There's a book that's on the right track! She advocates a very gentle approach--and a much more conscious attitude toward food than we have in America--not conscious as in I know all the calories etc in every bite, but conscious about how great the food is--and IS it great? And if it isn't, what could I find that would be better? It's the difference between a mediocre piece of store cheese, and a piece of that terrific Irish cheese I found.  I think I still need WW to hold my hand, because unlike the French Women, I'm not very good at stopping at one piece of anything. But it's great to read a book that actually makes portion control sound desireable and appealing! Apparently the French think it's weird to see a plate full of food. Who would want to eat that? Or a meal that's just one thing--like a plate of spaghetti.  I've been thinking about the things I love--I'm going to incorporate more of them in my life--weirdly, most of it isn't American--really good bread, really good cheese, really good chocolate, feta cheese, olives, naan, live yogurt, kabobs, produce in season. I will put these into WW and keep re-reading the French book to teach me that less really is SO much more.

181 Stuck on low

Another Friday weigh in---still at 187--both thrilling and annoying. Thrilling, because it's the new low--and annoying because I got here last week, had the bleeping STOMACH FLU and am STILL sitting at this weight on the last Friday in Sept. so I will not meet the insurance goal according to the doctor's scales here.  Oh well. The important thing is that I met the goal according to my home scale. I'll see what PEHP has to say, but I'm thinking the next goal for the end of Nov will be an exciting 181.  WOW. 

Yesterday was quite fun in that I just felt so light and comfortable in my body. It's just fun to move in a lighter body. My legs feel longer, and bending over feels different and better. Everyone always talks about how they "feel so much better and more energetic" when they lose weight.  I don't know about energetic, but for me the "feeling better" part is quite literal. I don't catch as many colds when I'm eating right and I like the feeling of every position and movement being more comfortable than the last. It makes me excited for the future.

The future also hold good things food-wise. I plugged my stats into a new kind of online calculator and it estimated that to maintain a goal weight of 155 I would need to eat about 2,100 cal a day. That sounds fairly liveable. Also, I've really got to wonder how rigid a person needs to be? I've been reading a picture book (have I mentioned this?) Around the World in 80 diets and it shows what 80 different kinds of people have eaten on one particular day in their lives. The book goes from 800 cal of a Masai woman to 12,000 cal of the English binge eater. Most people are between 2,000 and 4,000 a day. But here's the thing--their weights don't seem to particuarly correspond to their food intake!!! Sure, some have high intake, but also high energy jobs, but there is a Chinese girl who weighs 106 who lives on KFC chicken. The book does say whether or not the picture shown is representative of their lifestyle and usually it pretty much is. Anyway, the point is that I very much hope that so long as I don't go out of my way to do a long string of stupid things once I hit goal weight ie: eat big meals out 5 times a week, that I too can eat like a normal human being. To me that means that I'm not counting points or calories, but that I have a natural range of intake that might flux up or down according to the day, but that overall keeps me where I need to be.

I don't plan on hitting goal weight and immediatley trying to jump into that kind of a lifestyle. When I gave up diet Coke it took a full three years before caffiene free diet coke gave me the same kind of satisfaction. My food addictions are much more pervasive and severe--I don't know how long it will be before living at 155 will feel as satisfying as living at 220.  Probably more than 3 years, but I have hope that if I persist that someday I'll not only reach goal weight, but live it while eating pretty much anything and everything I feel like eating, because what I feel like will have changed.