Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Blech. FAT!

Ugh, I'm getting tired of heavy, fat food!! Is this me talking?  Not tired enough to not eat it, but I'll be glad when tomorrow rolls around. I'm actually beginning to get tired of pizza. I mentioned I had some for lunch yesterday, but it wasn't what I wanted. Today is Halloween, and we're ordering pizza at work.

Last night, I meant to be good. I was even prepared to skip popcorn at the movies, because I really didn't want it. I drove to SLC, ate some delicious Mexican food at a sketchy restaurant (I DID want that). But the movie didn't happen, so instead we all just met at Leatherby's for ice-cream. They do BIG ice-cream there. I didn't really want that either, I didn't eat it all, but I ate more than enough.

It feels good--and strange to not want so much high fat food.  That didn't stop me from finally eating a cake doughnut this morning, but it is stopping me from eating 2. I'm just not interested.

Thursday, October 30, 2014


Wow, I'm tired out today. But a couple of good things happening. My knee continues to improve. A set back like this really makes me think that I might be on the right track. I've noticed that the beginnings of many successful journeys have big setbacks right at the beginning. Yesterday--

Breakfast: Oatmeal with fruit, splenda, cinnamon, milk.

Halloween pot-luck.  Oh my.  meatballs, smokies, 7-layer dip, chips, cheeseball, crackers, 2 kinds of salad, jalapenos, lots of desserts. yum.

Dinner----I didn't want any. All I really wanted was a bowl of popcorn. BUT I made real food for Dave, and the thought occurred to me that I should have at least a small amount of real food too---for nutrition, and maybe to not be so hungry today. I did. A little sweet and sour chicken, rice and veggies--skipped the eggroll (unusual for me), and had my popcorn. I ate more of the popcorn than necessary, but at least Dave at half and I did not eat cheese and chocolate milk with it, so that was a bonus.

I liked the thinking about dinner. It sounded sooooo, Normal. Like something a good mom would say.  Eat the good stuff first. Why? Because you need it. Maybe it worked too.  I wasn't overly hungry this morning.  I worked hard in kettlebell class, and there was candy. i wasn't even slightly interested in the candy. All I wanted was the apple in my office.

For lunch I had pizza (1 slice) and salad and 100 cal popcorn, and a string cheese. But I wasn't very happy with that lunch. I didn't want pizza. I don't know what I really wanted, but it wasn't junk food. Good sign!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Halloween Party

Last night was the ward Halloween party--not nearly so deadly as today's work potluck will be. I LOVE my work potlucks. Yesterday's food

Breakfast--2 multigrain eggo waffles (140 cal), w nutella, a banana and whipped cream.

Snack--string cheese

Lunch--butternut squash soup, 1 slice good bread, 1 slice salami, olive tapenade, 1 button of feta 3 chocolate almonds.

Snack --zuchinni slices.

Grazing---making cheeseball for work party---many tastes


1 1/2 bowls of chili---Brilliant idea from someone--they brought a muffin-tin so they could taste all the chili's. Totally doing that next year! 2 small cornbread, 1 large piece cornbread with honey butter. 1 fun sized snickers peanut butter, an after dinner mint.

Went to the doctor about my knee. Physical therapy coming. If I ever want to go as the scariest Halloween costume ever, I'm going as a set of doctor's scales. Yeeesh.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Smaller cheesecake

Some victories yesterday. I'm sure hoping that slow and steady really does win the race.

Breakfast---thin bagel with chive and onion cream cheese, milk w soy, oj.

Lunch--omlette, w 1 egg and 3 egg whites, spinach, jalapeno, a laughing cow cheese, a whole can of mushrooms, 1 slice ezekiel bread, 2 sausages, diet hot chocolate.

---Lunch was a very deliberate healthy choice because I knew that dinner would not be healthy at all.

Dinner---gyro plate from Jims burgers. Lots of fry sauce, I added a little feta cheese too.  Finished most of dinner then suddenly realized that I was full. Really full. I could have finished the meal and part of me wanted to, but instead I closed the lid, had a couple bites of Daves cherry shake, and threw the rest away.

Dessert---WAITED for dessert. I wanted the little brownies that my professor brought to class, but I wanted cheesecake more. Came home late, and would have been fine without cheesecake, but I didn't want to skip it, because for now I need to nail down in my mind that I really can have what I want. BUT, I didn't just divide the cheesecake into 2 pieces as originally planned. I cut two small pieces for us, and there's still some left over.

My knee is finally getting better. I'm able to walk at a pretty normal speed now, although downhill and stairs still hurt. I'm going to the doctor today and am going to ask for physical therapy.

Monday, October 27, 2014


I did all right yesterday. I compromised and had 1 1/2 slices of pizza.  I felt good about that---It allowed me to "go back for more" which I really like to do, without derailing me completely.  I felt guilty about eating yesterday since poor Dave couldn't have anything but broth and jello, but not sorry enough to eat jello with him. My knee is feeling better and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully exercise will reappear soon. Today has been good as well.  Dave wants a pastrami burger--that means Big Jim's--read, unhealthy and fattening. Plus, he couldn't have any leftover cheesecake yesterday, so I waited for today to have that with him.  SO---for once, I thought ahead a little. Since I'm going to have a fattening dinner, I had a deliberately healthy lunch, and since I'm having cheesecake later, I didn't have a bunch of cookies earlier.  YAY!!! Several cognitive battles won.

Omlete with 2 egg whites, 1 egg, spinach and jalapeno, 1 slice ezekiel bread, milk w/soy and a hersheys kiss at church.

Lunch---Banana, reasonable amount of butternut squash soup, good bread with olive tapenade, a feta  cheese round (about 80 cal from trader joes), a slice of summer sausage and 2 chocolate almonds.

Dinner--big salad with ken's dressing, croutons, 1 and 1/2 slice pizza, 1 breadstick, sever dinner mints.

Dessert--diet hotchocolate with a little soy (my body is loving the soy milk) and 1 halloween sugar cookie with frosting.

Felt good about the day. Beginning to get used to not exercising--NOT GOOD, but still going nuts because it's so beautiful outside and I'm trapped inside.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

One piece of pizza

I did very well yesterday. I knew dinner was going to be a disaster, but I don't think it was any more of a disaster for me than it would have been for any other skinny person, and it only took the peer pressure of 7 people to accomplish it! Addicition is a weird thing. Even as I type that, I'm wondering how I can justify having 2 pieces of pizza for dinner tonight?

But first---for breakfast I had some cottage cheese, a peach and a slice of ezekiel bread with I can't believe it's not butter (when I say butter, I always mean ICB unless otherwise noted)

Lunch--a BLT minus the T on ezekiel bread, 4 olives, a pickle some carrots and 2 chocolate almonds.

Snack--a glass of milk with some soy milk mixed in.

So far, so good. Not hungry, and a good mix of food. Then it was time to play How to Host a Murder. I LOVE playing these, and I am the culprit who set up the whole party. It was a glamourous movie theme, but our house is far too small to have 6 people over for dinner and a game, so we had to have it in one of the classrooms on campus. That meant no oven. We compromised by ordering pizza and calling it fancy names. Everyone dressed up, and nobody went back for seconds, so I didn't either, even though I wanted to. The thing is that hungry-wise, I was FINE with the following:

1 glass Martinelli sparking cider
about 4 small glasses of "punch"--raspberry sherbet w diet 7-up
1 piece chicken ranch pizza from the Pie (really good)
2 bread sticks
1 smallish salad with blue cheese dressing
1 large piece of pumpkin praline cheesecake
6 or 7 after dinner mints--the kind with chocolate in the middle.

Sigh.  That is PLENTY of food and even my body agreed it was plenty. Left to myself, I would have eaten another piece of pie, more salad and several more breadsticks. Moderation is HARD for me. But I want to persist, because I love the idea that I really can have all the good things I had yesterday. Right now it's 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon, and I'm not in the least hungry. I'd sure like a large......bowl of popcorn, piece of pizza, hunk of cheese, milk and cookies...pretty much anything. But, since I'm NOT hungry, and I'm NOT on a diet, and I DO want to finish cleaning up the party, I think I'll be able to pass.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

THE choice

Nice that the internet at home is working again! But that's really no excuse. I have the computers at work and the laptop if I really need it.

Basics. Basics. Basics. How can something so simple be so difficult to remember????

Here are my choices concerning food and weight:

1. Control myself by gentle methods. Keep learning about nutrition. Keep learning to stop when I'm full, keep adding movement to my life. The results----I never have to weigh, count or worry. I never have to be hungry. Probably slow weight loss--although it might pick up as I get better at this.

2. Control myself by outside means. Weight Watchers, my own plan, calorie counting or whatever. The results--excitement at the beginning, crashing boredom soon to follow. Faster weight loss until I inevitably quit.

3. Don't choose. Eat whatever, whenever. Enjoy instant gratification all the time. Bemoan that I can't live this way and still look good. Scary---who knows how heavy I am capable of becoming?

The thing that's so hard to remember is that choice number three never evolves into choice number 1. At no time will I ever "get tired" of food. I can't. I need it to survive.  The thing that's so hard about choice number 1 is that I WILL have to exercise self-denial--A LOT. The plan is gentle, but it's not choice number 3. It's hard to see how to stop temptation. What if I want a chocolate chip cookie? Well, that's fine----maybe. Have I already eaten a lot that day? Especially sweets? Have I exercised? How many or how big is this cookie?

----NEW INSPIRATION---this is just like parenting! Good parents do not operate on auto-pilot. They set limits, but are open to change when it makes sense to change. That is hard to do! I get tired. I get unsure. I just want things to be easy, but it isn't. Children's problems, like cravings come at inconvenient times, when I'm least equipped to deal with them rationally.  Okay! I can accept this. This is what life is all about. God's plan is all about free will. It's Satan who wanted to force us all to be good.

I will need a lot of help to really do choice number one. First off, I need to be consistent with a food journal. I also think I need a frequent visual reminder about what I'm doing. I need to carefully think about and set my guidelines.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Fast food revolt

Well, I didn't cave and make funeral potatoes, but I'm definitely having a reaction today. Last night turned out pretty well. I did make the very healthy Japanese Hot Pot--I had two bowls of that plus an egg roll and PLUS about 6 of a new cookie reciepe that is truly a healthy recipe!!! No fat, no sugar and no flour!!!!  It's bananas, oatmeal and a little applesauce, I added nuts and dark chocolate chips. NOT BAD!!!!  Nothing can ever really replace the true chocolate chip, but these are a strong contender! You could literally eat them for breakfast just fine!!!

Still, today I'm in trouble. There wasn't anything in the house I wanted to eat for lunch, Dave is in SLC today so there's no one to share a pizza with, and I had a wild craving for McDonald's. I almost NEVER go to McDonalds, but on the spur of the moment I ran down and got my favorite bacon, egg and cheese biscuit meal. I think the reasoning, if you can call it that, was that I wanted a big hunk of cheese and I do still have white flour rolls at home---that's not a very good choice. So, since I'm not willing to make a poor #2 choice, I went with the distant #10 REALLY bad choice.  Worse, I didn't pack a lunch, so I'll be eating out. There's a slim chance that I might go to subways for a healthy lunch, but it's much easier to just go upstairs to the buffet or to the new grill.

On the bright side, at least I'm finally full.


Ok, I need to write what's going on today. That McDonald's breakfast, that looked so little to me, actually filled me up really well. So well, that I wasn't hungry at all at lunch. Especially after I had a string cheese. What I SHOULD have done was to just wait or skip it or have an early dinner. I didn't. I went to the new corner bakery and had a full lunch (Very tasty!). I think what's partially going on is that it's Friday and the best pizza would be a PIE calzone, but I also wanted to try the bakery.

Why could I not have waited till 4:30 then gone to the PIE after work and taken Catherine to the bakery tomorrow? (Because she wants to go to Sonora Grill).  Maybe I was afraid I'd be hungry? I really do hate being hungry and I felt hungry a lot yesterday. But at worst, I would have only been hungry for 3 hours.

So what will I do tonight? I WANT to go to the pie, but I'm not hungry now (partially because I ate a bunch of cookie bites from the bakery, AND several healthy cookies that I brought. What on earth is wrong with me today? I think I want the PIE out of habit.

When it comes to food it's so hard for me to delay gratification. The pie isn't going anywhere and neither is the bakery.

Thursday, October 16, 2014


Boy, every once in awhile I just have a hungry day where I want to eat the kitchen sink! That's today. I think it started because I apparently didn't eat enough breakfast.  I had 2 slices of Ezekiel bread with I can't believe it's not butter, and 2 slices of bacon, and milk and oj. At work, I've had a full sleeve of nuts--Darn! I don't like to eat the whole sleeve--a big helping of gyro meat with an even bigger helping of the white sauce and tomatos (homemade, very healthy), feta cheese and olives. Two protein peanut butter balls, 2 chocolates. I'm going to eat the apple now, even though I know better, because I'm starving!!I also have popcorn, but I don't want that. I want----what is it that I want? A big helping of funeral potatoes!! A couple of pounds of that would do nicely.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Darn this knee!!! I want to go walking!!! I didn't do kettlebells yesterday for obvious reasons, but I DID walk to Smiths on a gorgeous fall day instead. It's maybe 1/2 mile each way and I walked VERY slowly, but today I'm thinking that was a mistake.

Anyway----continuing the quest to become healthy by eating food...yesterday I had...

Breakfast: Waffle sandwich (see yesterday), milk and oj
       felt full for the longest time
Snack: homemade chips and guac--eaten shortly before lunch.
Lunch: Butternut squash soup, two chunks of bread from the spaghetti factory, 2 tablespoons of olive tapenade, 4 chocolate almonds.
        Was full in the afternoon, but still wanting to eat. So snacked on yam sticks.
Dinner: KFC---3 crispy chicken tenders, 1 biscuit, corn, choc chip cookie.

    We usually only go to KFC on the 4th of July, but we're trying to make Tuesdays our date night and Dave wanted chicken. I suppose it's possible to eat right at KFC, but who would want to? I did choose corn as the least lethal of the side dishes.
          Felt fairly full.  

Went to hot springs to soak;

Snack: Oatmeal raisin cookie, milk.

Huh. Feels like a lot when I write it down. It didn't seem like that much while I was eating it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


WOW!!!  I wasn't perfect yesterday---but I did make some good choices and I wasn't exhausted for my night class. I definitely need to write down my food and how I feel and see about some connections. Let's see what I remember about yesterday.

Breakfast--1 slice of Ezekiel bread (good stuff!), with organic peanut butter (which is about the only weird organic thing at home), blueberries with Splenda and milk.

Snack--some nuts, yam sticks

Lunch--one slice of steak pizza with pan crust (I love the pan crust at Papa Murphy's), cabbage salad with blue cheese and olives. 3 or 4 giradeli mini's.

Can't remember if I had any snacks between lunch and dinner.

Dinner, a turkey burger patty with mustard, a big serving of zuchinni fritters (homemade, baked not fried) and plain yogurt to dip them in. Caffeine free diet coke.

Snack at class. Some gummy penguins.

Felt GREAT. Teacher brought pizza to class, but I had just eaten and wasn't really interested, so I skipped it!  I skipped pizza!!

Today, I had an awesome breakfast.  Turns out those Eggo waffles that Dave bought are multi-grain, low sugar,perfectly fine to eat items!! 2 are 140 cal.  I had two waffles, spread one thinly with Nutella, chopped up a banana, to put on that, topped it with the other waffle and sprayed lite whipped cream on top. Had it with milk and oj.  Am not only full, but CONTENT.  So much so that when I limped over to the new bakery (I'm having major knee issues and am a little out of commission just now), I didn't feel like buying anything---even though I've been craving dense chocolate chip cookies. It looks like a great little place and they serve soups and sandwiches too. I'm sure I'll be a frequent customer.

I don't know if I'm losing or gaining weight and I actually don't care much!! I feel good physically (except the knee) and at peace with food. THATS a new feeling. I'm just basking in the feeling.

Monday, October 13, 2014

A gentle voice

Friday was a good day food-wise, but in the evening, I had pizza and salad and cookies. Probably too much of all. The thing that was different however, was my inner voice. That night, a very gentle voice just said something like, "It'll be awhile before you can handle pizza."  That's all. No judgement, no harsh--"SO YOU BETTER QUIT EATING PIZZA!" or anything of the kind. Just a simple statement of fact., and my mind and body responded in a likewise gentle manner. Okay.

I feel really good about that. As I try to satisfy my body's needs by eating real food--the process should be gentle.

I love the idea of my mental responses---"I NEED garlic toast" being as valid an issue as my physical responses. The intuitive idea is that I can control my behavior---I might think I need the garlic toast, but I can choose whether or not to eat it. And that's mostly true. But WHY do I feel as though I need it so much? I love working on THAT problem, and being validated that wanting too much or the wrong foods, is as much worth healing as figuring out a food allergy.

Friday, October 10, 2014

A little less?

Whoa!!!! I didn't finish my lunch and I don't want my after lunch chocolate. What's going on??? I almost can't comprehend not wanting chocolate. But ok!!!!

Last night I had to go to harp so I grabbed a few walnuts and a few (like 6) chocolate chips and ate them on the way. Then I came home and made dinner.

According to the book, that was a very smart thing to do. We've all heard that it takes 25 min or so for your body to start feeling full.  Well, Dr. Oz suggests eating a small amount of some healthy fat like nuts about 25 min or so before a meal. Then when you eat you're not nearly as hungry and can eat for pleasure. He claims this will make you eat less. I'm not 100% sold on that. My problem IS that I eat for pleasure--and if I eat for pleasure rather than hunger there is literally no brake, because I'm ignoring physical cues.

However, having said that---it seems to work! I made a delicious creamy ravioli last night, but I didn't overeat. I even "forgot" to have the roll.

Today, for breakfast I had the one banana plus 2 egg pancakes, and a glass of milk. Our sugar-free syrup is actually pretty good! No HFCS--unlike the fully loaded Mrs. Butterworth. I gave the Mrs. Butterworth to a friend at work.

Spent the morning talking to the bankers at Chase--so it was little stressful. Came to work at nearly 11, and soon began munching on peanuts. I ate nearly the whole bag (280 cal). But when lunchtime came shortly after, I didn't even eat 1/2 of the ravioli and I only ate 1/2 of a roll. Suddenly, I just realized that I was full! I munched on a few yam sticks and packed my lunch away. And here I am!  Not wanting chocolate---but thinking I might eat the plum I brought in a little while. If I feel like it later, I might finish the ravioli, and that's ok.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

No low fat for skinny people

I'm really liking this book!!! Whether the principles are true, or I'm just being brainwashed doesn't matter---there are changes for the better coming.

Of course first, I had to detour to the Pizza buffet. Dave wanted to go to support a fundraiser. I don't know if it was the book, or that I'm coming down with something, or that this buffet simply isn't as good as Cici's, but I found it VERY unsatisfying. I had a salad drowned in blue cheese dressing. Why do I think that's ok behavior? Especially when the dressing is mediocre? Then I had carbs, carbs and more carbs. And I didn't like it!! WEIRD!!! At one point I actually went back to the buffet and felt as if there wasn't any food there. Because in a way, there wasn't.

I'm also challenging my "auto amounts"--my phrase. I've been practicing eating smaller portions with the idea that I can have more in an hour if I want it. So far, I've been just as satisfied (at least physically) with one roll as with two.

Today, I asked my kettlebell class (full of skinny people) if they ate low-fat foods. 100% NO!!! They eat less of the real thing--and they can, because the real thing is more filling AND doesn't trigger more hunger signals. More than one told me that if I wanted sugar to go ahead and eat sugar---at least your body knows how to deal with that.

This is going to be a change. I just had Dave buy some lite Eggo Waffles and some toaster strudels, before I read the book. I figure as I eat through the stuff at home, I will slowly replace it with better things.  Again, I don't know if this is real or I'm just being psyched out---but I bought two boxes of lite crumble bars. I had one after lunch and I really do think it's making me hungrier!

Also to try----eating off of a red plate. Someone in my class said that red signals stop, and that people ate 25 to 30 % less when they ate off of a red plate.

Hey, whatever it takes.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Leptin Resistant

I have a name!!!  I've been wanting to read You on a Diet, by Dr. OZ for ages. Maybe it was even a divine prompting. I'm not sure, but I think it's really going to help. I knew the book tracked exactly what happens in your body when you eat something. I thought that was important--because I have real trouble believing that "just" one cookie or whatever really makes a difference because I don't see the bad results immediately.

But it DOES make a difference---anytime you eat anything, your body has to deal with it. Insulin and a host of other chemicals are produced, and if the food isn't good for you, it really does hurt your body.

One big culprit is High Frutose Corn Syrup. In the 1960's people ate ZERO of this stuff. Now each person averages 60 pounds a year!!! This is a real problem, because your body does not recognize HFCS as food, so it doesn't turn off hunger signals in response. A BIG place HFCS is found is in fat free foods and salad dressings.

Anyway, I knew about Leptin (the chemical that makes you feel full) and Grehlin (the chemical that makes you feel hungry). But I didn't know that the problem with so many foods---white flour, HFCS, junk food, trans fats etc was not just that they were empty calories, but that they made you even hungrier by eating them. THIS makes me want to make some changes. It also reminds me of the one time I was super successful without trying---when I was pregnant. My hormones went wild and I suddenly lost all desire for flour, sugar and salt--I dropped a TON of weight (scared the doctors, but I was fine).

Sometimes people who are super obese have a real genetic Leptin deficiency. But most of us have leptin levels that are just fine, but we're Leptin-resistant. That's me. Being leptin-resistant means that my brain sends the "I'm full" message just fine, but my body/mind doesn't like that message---I want more pizza, so I deliberately override the message and ask for more cookies. I think everybody overrides that message sometimes, but I do it habitually. PLUS, I'm always eating stuff that makes me even hungrier.

In the end--all this amounts to is the same old advice as always---lots of fruits and veggies, easy on the refined stuff. But knowing that certain foods are in a way anti-foods, I think will help. After all, I pretty much gave up fast foods when I realized that I giant meal at Arby's didn't even fill me up. NOT ACCEPTABLE.