Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Another Hour!!

AAACK!!! I completely forgot that I have to work an extra hour tonight!! NOOOOOO!!! Happily, the thing that's making me upset is that this is going to seriously infere with the exercise I have planned. I'm all excited to go home and do just dance for an hour or so. Now it will be maybe 1/2 hour if I'm lucky and dinner?? I have a meeting at 7 that I don't want to go to and now I feel particulary put upon.

I'm also thinking of experiementing with combining weightwatchers and intuitive eating. Because of weight watchers, I've become accustomed to eating just one pancake on Sunday mornings. It's enough. Of course I could eat a whole stack, but one is really enough and I did it for long enough on WW that I actually have some "pancake" brakes. A good thing! In general, breakfasts are ok, although I've been slipping upwards. No way I want to go back to WW--but I was thinking I might aim for 10 point lunches. I will also pack extra in case I'm still hungry--it's not so much that I want to count and measure, but I was usually pretty much ok with lunches and I'd like to not slip up and accidently be eating 40-50 point lunches soley out of carelessness. I'm still going to eat what I like, and if I'm hungry, I'll eat what it takes--I just want to be a bit more mindful. When I feel comfortable that lunches are in order, then I'll begin to very slowly tackle dinner.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Less hopeful

You know, I've never considered myself a moody person, but this blog shows that I'm very much affected. The other day I weighed myself fully prepared with dread to see 200. I saw 195. Okay. Amazing the temptation to diet. But I'm determined not to--or at least not really. If I have days where I feel like eating a WW plan or whatever because I'm feeling heavy and bloated, then that is ok because it's what I want to do. But I'm not going to force myself on that or any other diet. The thing I want to change, but don't quite know how to is how to eat smaller portions when I want smaller portions? Sounds like a no-brainer, but it isn't! I was finally able to verbalize a very simple truth last night. The experience of eating one slice of pizza is not the same as the experience of eating 5 slices of pizza and a salad. I just isn't. My mind "knows" that I like the 5 slice experience--so it doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not. I always think I want the 5 slices.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Feeling hopeful today--or maybe relieved is a better word. It feels so good not to obsess about food or weight. I feel more confident today that eventually, this is going to result in my regaining my natural happy weight. Yesterday we went to SLC to take Dad to the movies. We grabbed some dinner at pita pit. I didn't want the chips or drink b/c I knew I would have popcorn. It was a no brainer decision---but last year it would have been a very difficult decision based on knuckle-biting will power. At the movies we got 1 large popcorn for the three of us and I felt fine with this--no sense of "oh darn, I wish I could have more." Today is the seminary luncheon--my biggest weakness--appetizers--and it's ok--I feel as though I'm free to enjoy it and I find that I don't really want to inhale it all. Slowly, slowly, slowly things are getting better.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Trader Joe's

YAY!! A trader Joes opened in SLC this weekend. Now I have access to all the stuff Hungry Girl and others talk about. We went down yesterday and saw it. I don't think they were prepared for quite the enthusiasm they got. Some of the shelves were already bare. The thing I was most excited about were 1 oz servings of cheese. Goat cheese was all they had left and that was fine with me! We'll definitley stop there from time to time and pick up a fancy item or two. I'm really gaining a testimony of great food--it feels great to eat it of course, but the flip side, is that it feels less great to eat mediocre stuff--so much so, that it's getting harder to overeat.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Plowing on with the iron man

I am NOT an early morning exerciser---or at least not an early riser. Ideally, I'd have the schedule I had on vacation in Cancun--wake when ready, take a swim or a kayak ride, and then breakfast....ahhh. Today, I got up a little earlier than I like, biked for 7 miles and went to work. After work I'll walk for three miles then back home to bike for 4 more miles. I think my weight has stabalized---where it's stabalized I hate to think, but it is nice to let go of some of the worry. I've decided that lack of weight reporting also makes for a really boring blog. (That, plus I'm usually too busy to rewrite--so you poor readers get random stream of consciousness). Sorry about that. It's frustrating for me too not to have concrete things to report. The best I can say is that I'm still wearing my same clothes and I'm not going out of my way to be a huge pig. Thank goodness for the iron man. I think it's saved me some serious poundage.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Fat and the iron man

Whoa---still seriously groaning from all the thanksgiving leftovers. Astonished at the idea that I "should" eat this stuff. Seriously? WHY on earth should I eat pounds of butter and sugar and white flour? Because it will go to waste? I honestly don't think so. I really think it's as simple as "it's the holidays and it's what I'm "supposed" to do. Now I'm not talking about trying to eat less or eating diet versions of the good stuff. I'm only talking about not eating stuff that isn't even appealing because I'm already so full! All I can say is that I'm working on it.

The other thing I'm working on is finishing the Iron-Man. EEEP!! 3 miles a day run and still 33 miles bike by Friday. My legs are still a bit wonky, so I compromised yesterday by a brisk walk to the library. Thanks to my new phone I know that walk was 4.79 miles. A bit more than I bargained for--and in the dark to boot. Walking in the dark is foolish--so I'm making yet another compromise and counting my walk to and from work--which I really don't like doing, because the whole point of the lazy man is to do more than I normally would. Oh well. I'm considering this as an exercise in letting go of perfectionism. And I HAVE done a more exercising than I would have otherwise, so its all good. :)

Thursday, November 22, 2012


Happy Thanksgiving to all! I had a good day with my family and a WHOLE lot of food. Yesterday was fun because I consciously spent the day thinking of as many things as I could to be grateful for. It was a fun day and I am so greatly, richly blessed it's embarrasing.

Today I learned that I don't like to eat more than I like to eat. I ate to fullness--as I usually do, and then I ate more because it was Thanksgiving and there were 12 pies! When we came home I had some turkey sandwiches, again because it was Thanksgiving and I had just a slight amount of room to stuff something more in. It actually wasn't fun to eat them. I think this might be an important discovery.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

bad run

Learning, learning and feeling thin today! Last night I made a new recipe of chinese buns--very good adn I only wanted one. I also had a big cabbage salad--one of my favorites. I didn't want all of that either, but I ate it anyway because it was such a low calorie thing. But afterward I was thinking---if I didn't want it, and I ate it, it was still TOO much. Besides, isn't the idea to get used to smaller portions anyway?

This morning I was all excited about cooking things for thanksgiving, and even though my stomach was rumbling, I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't really--I nibbled oyster crackers, and sampled the cheese ball. Eventually, I did eat a banana because I figured I ought to have something healthy before trying to run 3 miles. It was a good thought, but not enough. That was the worst three miles! It was a beautiful day, so I drove up to Beuss pond with the idea of running around the pond. I stretched adn everything. First glitch was that runkeeper somehow turned off after 22 seconds and it took me awhile to figure it out. Then Catherine called so I walked a bit while talking to her. I figure that covered at least one mile--so the idea was then to run 2 more and call it good. Phew! NO gaa in my tank. It was super hard. I eventually just started, running one song and walking the next. My average was something like 18 minutes per mile! I'm guessing that the lack of food and water must have had an impact here. Tomorrow, if the weather's nice, I want to try again--only this time after a bowl of oatmeal or something. If I can detect a connection, it will be really good for me. It's so difficult for me to sense that food whether good or bad is affecting me in any immediate way at all. After all, I feel fine and have perfectly good energy for cooking. Just not for running apparently.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

small jeans

I was a little worried today--I didn't want to wear my big baggy jeans to work. But, phew! I know I've gained weight, but the lazy man is doing some good and the size 14 jeans and the button up shirt still fit. I finished the swimming part yesterday, so today I will bike, and hopefully the weather will be good enough that I can run a 5 K the next 4 days in a row.

Tonight I make bread and pie crust and tomorrow I cook for Thanksgiving. I love this day of thankfulness. And this year I really am thankful for blessings other than the huge pig out. The food is nice, but the death grip is slowly slowly slowly loosening.

Monday, November 19, 2012


Family is the best diet that I know. I had no appetite until 3:00 this afternoon. Nice, now I can save my lunch for tomorrow. I consider this progress. I didn't want lunch, didn't need lunch--but the thing that's an improvement is that it didn't feel weird not to have lunch. I ate my snack instead around 3.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Big exercise

A Saturday to myself--sort of. Feeling somewhat oppressed with family. Neither Lisa or Catherine particuarly happy with me just now. Oh well. What can I do except stick to my guns with Catherine and try and do better with other family stuff. ANYWAY--I only mention it because mood is such a huge part of the eating problem. I'm glad to report that this weeks upsets didn't dramatically change my eating for the worse--it didn't improve it any, but I'm glad I'm not one who goes off into major binges when things go badly.

I go off and binge when occasions present themselves instead. :) Which is frequent. Last night we saw the last of the Twilight Movies. I'm not a huge fan, but I think the series is fun. On these occasions we have serious movie food. But last night might mark a real reduction in future movie food. That was one of the worst sandwiches I've ever had. Unfortunatley the fried potato things they do were still terrific, as was the shake and the popcorn. For not being very hungry at the time, I still put away plenty.

This morning though I wasn't hungry at all so I didn't eat even though I did have some big exercise planned for the lazy man. It was a beautiful fall day, so a ran a 5K first thing. I'm so slow, but you know what? It was still a little under Disney marathon required time (16 min mile--I'm not kidding when I say I'm slow). This 5 K route is a really good one for practice because it has quite a bit of uphill both steep and gentle. I downloaded "Run Keeper" on my phone and love it. Not only does it track while I'm running, but sends me emails about my workout and any personal records I may have broken, and I broke a bunch today! Great fun. Tonight I downloaded more songs to keep me company. After the 5K, I had a snack, and then about an hour later went to the gym and swam 21 laps for the iron man. For me, this is huge exercise. I like that mentally I didn't tie it to some kind of weird repentance for my movie night. I'm simply trying to reach an exercise goal.

I'm glad for the swimming part of the iron-man this time. I detested swimming in high school, because I was so poor at it, and always under pressure to go faster than I really could go. I didn't like swimming for the last iron-man because it was so hard on my eyes. This time has been better. My co-worker said she's rediscovered swimming and found it soothing. Mostly, I find it boring, but with my new good googles, I'm actually enjoying it a little. It IS soothing. Nobody's working me out. There's no peer pressure or inferiority--I just go at the pace that's comfortable for me. I can tell my body really likes the movements and lack of impact. I don't know if I'd ever become a regular swimmer, but I think it's moved into the "possible" category. I might throw it in now and again for variety in the future, and if I'm having knee troubles, it will occur to me now to at least consider swimming.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Real change?

I don't think I'm making any real changes at all. Every day includes many good decisions and also many poor ones. Ergo--I stay about 40-50 lbs overweight. There are enough good decisions and habits to allow me to buy clothes off the rack and ride on airplanes, but just not enough change to allow any real CHANGE. It's frustrating and I don't know what to do. Diets just make me angry and don't produce lasting change, and IE simply isn't a strong enough program to cause me to really DO anything differently.

I'm thinking on paper here---I like definite goals and charts and planning things out--I get excited about programs like the Lazy Man, but I get frustrated when programs cause me any real inconvenience or change I'm not ready for. I also get bored with things easily. I also like a sense of randomness. I wonder if I could think up a number of healthy behaviors--each designed to cover just one week--like veggie week--every day the focus would be to eat at least 5 veggies. I could even scary ones like "low fat week" "two exercise a day week." I wonder if there could be much variety there--off-hand the things I'm thinking of most are deprivation kind of things like--low cheese week, or no sugar week, or ....well!! Let me just start listing and see what I come up with!

1: Jillian week--one Jillian workout per day (6 days)

2: Low carb week

3: Double exercise week

4: Yoga week

5: spa and facial week

6: Veggie week---at least 5 servings per day.

7: Nothing processed week

8: Fancy cheese week

9: Fancy dessert week---the idea to make something I wouldn't normally--thus lessening the "specialness" of it.

10: High Protien week.

11: No distracted eating week--a tough one! No reading!

12: Smoothie week--I don't normally eat smoothies, maybe a good habit to start.

13: Nibble week--little meals all day long

14: Swim week

15: Stretch week

16: One dessert a day week (I usually have much more)

17: Healthy choice at a restaurant week

18: weight watchers week--it's good portion control practice

19: Snack week--make at least four new good snacks

20: Morning work out week

21: 1800 cal week

22: Diabetic week

23: Vegetarian week.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Touchy Touchy!

I've been in munchie mode all morning. I'm not in the least hungry. Doesn't matter. I want food! Why is this? I think maybe it's because I was toying with the idea of first serving up 1/2 of what I would normally eat and then going back for the rest of it if I wanted it. I really think that idea has flipped out my poor little brain. Somewhere I must be thinking--if I only serve up 1/2 I won't go back for the rest!

Well, isn't that what I want? Somehow I've simply got to practice smaller servings or I'll never accept that a smaller serving is ok. And I'm not saying just eat 1/2! Far from it! Eat 1/2 and then continue eating whatever I need so I'm not hungry anymore is what I'm saying. I want to catch those times when I'm genuinely done with food, but maybe am not recognizing that I'm done. I just want to put a pause in my behavior. That's not too scary is it? Apparently it is! Sheesh!!!!

Sunday, November 11, 2012


I don't know why I didn't write on Friday--true it was a very bad health-day. The weather turned snowy so I didn't even walk to work and then we sat around eating pizza, watching movies and eating cookies. But I didn't not write because I felt guilty. I think I was just plain tired.

Anyway, yesterday ran away with me. It was a Christmas card perfect snowy Saturday--just right for going to a craft fair, which we did in the morning. Thanks to the iron-man I then went and swam 21 laps. LAST thing on earth I wanted to do--so kudos to ideas like the lazy man, it really helps. I did get some decent goggles this time. I might have worn them a bit too tight, but they really worked. My eyes feel fine. It made all the difference, and I was pleasantly surprised at how good the swim felt. Dave wanted to take the train to SLC in the evening and do some shopping at the Gateway, but I found out the Christmas Expo was going on at the expo center, so we made a last minute decision to see that instead. It was great fun! We took the train and the trax and started our Christmas shopping there. They really have some fabulous booths, including plenty of booths that offer free samples. We had LOTS of free samples. There were a few I passed up--like the bundt cake samples. Not that I don't like cake, I do, but for whatever reason I didn't really want it. Okay. that's good IE behavior, but I honestly don't know what to do about the other 30 or so samples that I honestly DID want but that were still far too much for me to be eating.

When we came out to go home it was a white out! It was fun and romantic to gasp our way to the train station. It took forever to get home, but it was ok because while we were waiting we were following Catherine as she ran the Disneyworld half marathon. She did great and finished! I was pretty worried, she hadn't trained, her hip has been bothering her, and after she finished running around theme parks with us, my sister came down and she ran around with her. This was a night marathon and she spent the day at Universal Studios going on rides and eating theme park food. Difficult to think of a worse way to prepare, but she pulled it off and I'm super proud of her.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Fast full

Ooops. I was caught off guard today. I was really hungry for lunch but still had to work at the desk for another hour. By the time I got to eat, I wasn't starving anymore, but my mind had grabbed that message. It didn't actually take all that much to fill me up but it caught me so by surprise that I ate it all anyway. Obviously will keep trying to do better and better.

The first snowy day that I've seen this year, that means indoor bike tonight I think.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I very normal day

I think these "normal" days are actually quite rare. It's a gorgeous autumn day and I wish I could spend every second outside. But a normal day for me means work--so alarm goes off at 6:45, today I had a bowl of cream of wheat with berries and 2 slices of bacon. At work on time for once because I knew I had to be on the desk right away. I taught 2 sections of the first year experience class then went to my own class--lunch at about 1:30. Lentil soup, two rolls, some cheese and a reeses cup, with an Agatha Christie mystery. Off work at 5. Will probably run 1 mile. Dinner will be leftover tacos, then harp lesson at 7. I just finished a big data project here, so I'm hoping to take some time to work on my excel class.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A real phone!

I am really loving not being on a diet or feeling as though I'm supposed to be on a diet. I'm supposed to eat right and exercise and that I can do. Today I feel empowered.

Phone-wise. I resisted the idea of cell phones as long as I could. I still don't like being connected all the time. But since I've EXTREMELY picky about who gets my cell number it hasn't been bad. Still, for the past 4 years that we've had phones, Dave and I have had the cheapest, clunkiest models available. It's been good enough. This time, we decided to for once get something nice and boy is it nice!! It's going to take me some time to learn the ropes, but I've already downloaded a runners app and some songs. I bought an armband with the phone so I could work out and listen to books and music. I'm so excited!!! Yesterday was my first trial run (literally), I've only downloaded three songs, but I got the runners app working AND listened to music while I was running. The app is great! It told me how far I'd gone and what my pace was. This is so freeing--I'm no longer stuck just running the route I know or running on the weber treadmill to know how far I've gone. I can just go anywhere! It was wonderful to listen to music too.

This is not to say that all is pie in the sky. I was thinking as I ran about the power of negative voices. I WAS going extremely slowly and it was difficult not to be discouraged about that. However, the areas around my house have a lot of uphill stuff--very gentle uphill, but it's hard for me just the same. Amazing how hard it is not to focus on being slow and fat and instead focus on the joy of being out there at all.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Slow healing

Still way busy and still tired from the big trip. I must have really worn myself completely out. I'm please that I haven't gone crazy and tried to super restrict my eating out of fear of vacation weight. I've had at least two incidences where I've surprised myself by being able to treat food normally, whereas before I wouldn't/couldn't have made these decisions. The first was last Saturday. I went to a volunteer training for the Make a Wish foundation--neatest place I ever saw! Lone Star Steak House donated food for our lunch, including rolls with cinnamon butter. It was the butter that got me. I went through the line and ate my lunch. I would have loved another roll, there was time for another roll and nobody would have cared but somehow I stopped. This wasn't will power, it was just a calmish recognition that I really had had enough and I didn't need it and it wasn't a special enough treat to get one. Same sort of thing yesterday. We went to the Verizon store to finally get new phones then went to the mall for dinner and to get covers for them. I wasn't very hungry, but they have a wonderful Greek place at the food court. I got my usual platter, but although I could have easily eaten it all, I kind of didn't want to. I knew I wasn't particuarly hungry. I went and got a take home container. Again, it wasn't diet or discipline here. It was more the same sort of feeling that I had at the Eddie Bauer store 5 minutes later. Cute winter coats for $179. Yes, they were cute. Yes, I would have liked one. Yes, the price wouldn't bankrupt us, but they WERE more expensive than I needed or wanted and I had no problem not buying one.

More on the benefits of having a real phone tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween Pot luck

Oooof. Didn't do so well with the Halloween potluck. Worst offender--plain old chips and sourcream dip. Second worst--the bacon wrapped jalapenos. But what went well? I'm defnitley getting better at eating what I like and not what I don't--therefore I left the globs of white bread that went with the chili and only had small samples of the less interesting dips. I walked to work today and tomorrow I begin the Lazy man Iron man. Yesterday was kind of funny--I did very well for breakfast and lunch--I was hungry when I came home but had the ward Halloween party. I "honored my hunger" by fixing the most nourishing thing I could think of that wasn't too big--a packet of peaches and cream oatmeal. It hit the spot and was a big improvement over crackers and cheese. I was late for the party so the only chili left was the FLAMING hot chili. I love spicy food, and it tasted great, but holy cow! There was very little cornbread left. About 1/3 of the way through the bowl, it dawned on me that I didn't HAVE to finish it even though it tasted good--I was about to go up in flames! There was no more cornbread, and water doesn't help with spicy food. I went to the doughnut on a string game and played to have a chocolate covered glazed doughnut to help with the spice! Normally, a glazed doughnut is the last treat I would choose, but last night I'm claiming it was for medicial purposes.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Gentle Gentle

Oh wow--FABULOUS trip. Nobody does it better than Disney. Weight-wise---on the upside, I must have walked at least 10 miles a day. On the down side--two solid weeks of theme park food. I think the food triumphed over the exercise. It usually does darn it, but I have some new thoughts.

Just before we left, I came across a picture--that I'll post if I ever find it, of a huge woman gnawing on a big (32oz) brick of cheese as she watched some event. I printed it out because I have trouble making the connection between my actions and the consequences when it comes to food. But this picture makes sense to me. Much as I love cheese, I simply do not engage in that behavior, and wallah!! I'm much thinner and healthier than that poor woman. Ergo--if I change my current behaviors, I will be thinner and healthier than I am now. By way of change--I have a new motto:

Worry less and do more.

Just that simple. Worry A LOT less about my weight, but everyday DO more things that are good for my body. Say "yes" to as many good things as I can--fruits, veggies, water, sleep, exercise, Say "no" to as many things as I can that don't do my body good--junk food, huge portions. The key is "as many things I can" sometimes, emotionally I really can't seem to say no to the goodie, and that's fine. This is just a ramped up version of what I did when I gave up altogether in Iowa--back then, my only idea was not to go out of my way to do things that would make me gain a ton of weight. It was intuitive eating in it's most basic unconscious form, and it worked--I lost 20 pounds in 5 years. "Worry Less DO More" feels different. This time I'm seeking out as many things as possible that will help me.

In a similar vein, I've been thinking about a college experience. I lived in the German house and we took turns cooking with the men's house feeding about 20 people. One night I was on dish duty and I was scrubbing as with all my might on some burnt on spot with no success. The guy I was working with stopped me and said--don't scrub so hard--just wash it gently--sure enough, he got the pot clean with no problem. I think weight might be the same principle---weight watchers for me is the equivalent of scrubbing with all my might. I think I need a much gentler approach. The old story of the contest between the wind and the sun to see who could make the man remove his coat first, also comes to mind. The cold wind blew with all his might and the man just held his coat tighter and tighter. But the sun shone gently and eventually the man took his coat off.

I know for sure that weight watchers makes me want to clutch at my old habits tighter and makes me wish for big portions of rich food. I think IE and the Worry Less DO More idea will be much like the sun--allowing me to release resentment, fear and all the other things that cause me to maintain a heavy weight.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

One right move

Proud of myself! It's a small victory, but a victory none-the-less. Normally, I get hungry around 10 a.m. and so I will eat a snack at that time. Today, I wasn't hungry but habit triggered the need/want to snack. I remembered to think and realized that I wasn't hungry and then followed it up with--"I don't even want popcorn so I don't need to eat popcorn." And then I DIDN'T eat the popcorn. That's one. It occured to me that another day I might remember again. And then again. And again and eventually I might begin to be a person who doesn't eat when she's not hungry.

I'll do what I can while I'm on vacation--TOMORROW!!! But I'm not too worried about it. This is a precious time--literally the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I know I will eat fruits and veggies as much as I can because I'll needing energy--but I'm simply not going to worry about it and I will keep up the process when I get back. See you in 10 days!

Monday, October 15, 2012


Yikes!! Annoying after my fine feelings yesterday to be so munchie today. Everything seems to be going down the hatch. I think I know why, but I don't know how to put a stop to it. I'm a little tired--irritating to sleep so well all weekend, and then be restless on a work night. I have a lot of little things to do to get ready for our trip---not an overwhelming amount, but still a lot and I'm in a state of excitement and also some minor nerves--have I thought of eveything? Can my family really hold off and not implode before I leave? Will American airlines (who have been having problems in the news lately) get us there on time? Minor-level stuff---besides, I can't do a thing about my family or the airlines so why worry? I also think stepping on the stupid scale is having an effect. Deep down I might be worried that I'm going to revolt and go on a diet--especially after this trip. Also--part of me equates "nourishing my body" with difficulties and I'm happy to avoid those. I wish I could just shout at my brain--"whatever!!" and have done with it. I've already got lots done and I have plenty of time after work to take the key to the cat sitter, go to the ATM, mow the lawn, go to the store and finish up packing. Unlike poor Dave, I also have tomorrow after work to pack last minute things.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Word of Wisdom

The word of wisdom was the subject of Relief Society today. A MUCH needed lesson!! As I'm looking for answers on how to make good decisions while still honoring what I want to eat, the Lord is there to show me the way. One of my glaring problems that I almost never deal with is that I've never really eaten for nutrition, I've always only eaten for pleasure. My grandma Alleman would never have thought that way. She would have been after me to drink my milk and eat my veggies. How can I have missed the concept of nourishing my body? I've been taught all my life that my body is a temple--and yet I never deliberatley eat to sustain and improve my temple. I just take it for granted. That needs to start changing. I think if I can begin to work toward eating so as to run better and be healthier, I can begin to make better choices like eating less sugar--not because of weight, but because I know eating so much of it is bad for me.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I need my mommy!!!

Uh boy. Made the mistake of stepping on the scale. Yeah. There's a reason I'm feeling fat. I want my mom! What I need though, is Carol Brady or June Cleaver or my grandma or somebody. Some authority figure who loves me and will bake me cookies, but will mostly be there fixing oatmeal in the morning, casserole in the evening and making me eat my veggies. There are pros to tuna casserole. I've never made it in my life. Why? Because it's not that great. When my Mom served it--it wasn't that great and one serving filled me up just fine. Probably MOST meals at my house in the 70's were like that--quick, easy and kind of blah. I thought I was fat--and I was, by 70's standards, but now I'd be considered as having a perfect figure. I hate cooking blah. Somehow I've got to add the good "mom" voice to my IE efforts. I am NOT going back on a diet!!

Exercise is coming along nicely though. After Disneyworld, the idea will not only be to exercise but to improve. Today, Dave and I walked the color vibe 5K. For once, I would have gone faster, but he was being super careful not to do anything to his hip before our vacation. I had a BLAST!!! I want to do this next year and I have to do it with Catherine someday. Pretty much everyone wore white shirts and at different stations volunteers threw bright colors at us! It was so much fun!! At the end of the race we were all given our own bag of color and there was music playing and everyone was dancing and throwing colors. It was the BEST party I've ever been to!! I want to be healthy so I can always do stuff like this! Disneyworld will be plenty of exercise, and in November I've invited my co-workers to do the Lazy man iron-man with me. Somehow I've got to come up with a plan that marries IE with some kind of good sense! MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

Friday, October 12, 2012


Felling better. I'm glad I took the day off. I was a little worried today. The jeans that are clean are the size 14's that were uncomfortably tight the last time I wore them. Would I even be able to get into them? YES!!! I'm not sure if it's because I stretched them out last time, but they fit great and are even nice and comfy!! Hooray!!! Another VERY important feeling today--or rather lack of feeling. My new co-worker is much taller than I am, and although he is thin, he's simply built on a bigger scale than me. He came out of the kitchen with a sleeve of trail mix and some orange juice. Normally, I would have felt a twinge of resentment and jealousy--no fair that he gets to have a high calorie snack like that and I don't! Formal diets served to underscore that feeling. He gets to have more just because he's male and I don't. And now the resentment is more than just a twinge. I'm furious.

Today--nope! I didn't feel like that at all!!!! If I want trail mix and oj for a snack--FINE!! I can have it! The truth is that I probably won't want it as often as he does, because I am a smaller person. And actually today was a great example--I've been eating from a big bag of nuts that I got at the airport and so his snack didn't sound appealing at all. My grandmother was 4 foot 8, I naturally want to, and should eat more than she did. Someone who is 6 feel will naturally eat more than me, and someone who is 7 feet will eat more than him. I eat a great deal more than my cat and a great deal less than an elephant. It really doesn't matter and all creatures big and small will feel happy with the food they need--so long as they actually GET the food they need are free from jealousy that they aren't eating what the other guy has. Truly, the hummingbird doesn't want the lion's kill. And truly, I really don't want TWO cheeseburgers and a pound of fries that the linebacker might want. It's a liberating thought. If I actually did want it I could have it, but truly I don't think I really would want it.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


I feel "off" today. Probably the flu shot, or just allergies, or just plain hypochondria. I went to work where everyone was talking about getting sick. NO WAY!!! Disneyworld is next week and I will only consider myself sick if I am in the hospital. Meanwhile---yes, I was tired, and I've been a little achy and my nose has been running and my throat is acting like it wants to be sore but isn't yet. On a normal day it would never have occured to me to stay home, but today with nothing all that pressing at work, I decided to come home.

Food-wise, I was proud yesterday that by the time dinner was ready, I realized that I wasn't really all that hungry and stopped after eating about 1/3 of it. Good job!!! Today, I'm wondering if it was less that I've learned anything and more that I'm a little sick. But it doesn't matter! I could have eaten it all and sick or not, I recognized that I didn't want to and that's good behavior! Today at work someone brought moist pumpkin bars. I didn't really want one, but I did want a taste--I took a sliver off of one and satisfied that craving.

Boy, I really am a little tired. There is exciting Disney stuff to be done and it is sounding burdensome rather than exicting. I'm also irritated that I've just had a non-intuitive piece of cheese. It's okay! It's comfort food and I guess I'm in need of comfort today. It might also be a reaction to the thought I had yesterday that I'm actually eating far less cheese now than I did on weight watchers! How about that?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Flu Shot

I was a good girl and got my flu shot this year. I didn't last year and feel lucky to have dodged the flu bullet. Beautiful day outside!! Let's see--what's going right today? Walked to work. I'm a little worried about the 5K on Saturday, I don't know if it's the 1/2 marathon or Nashville or what, but my legs feel like they're made of lead. Did well with b-fast (I ususally do), and lunch is healthy too. They gave out huge slabs of coffee cake at the health fair. Kudos that I recognized that the pieces were huge. And semi-kudos for only eatng 1/2 for now and recognizing that the sugar load is making me really tired now. Less kudos for fulling planning to finish that cake after lunch---(it's really moist!), but I will at least try to ask myself if the cake is what I really want and if not to let it go.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Things I do right

Good intuitive eating class yesterday. It gave me hope that I really am on a road that goes somewhere. So to help counteract that deep voice that says, "this is all well and fine, but you'll never really change," I'm going to write down as many evidences of my own success as I can think of as often as I can possibly remember to do it.

I love my walks to work, and I love to be active in general--going to Nashville showed me that my activity level is easily on par if not better than other skinnier women.

Yesterday I really wanted my healthy dinner of portobello mushrooms and watermelon. I didn't want dessert.

Today, I loved my breakfast of an eggwhite omelete with spinach and jalapeno and a laughing cow cheese, 2 slices of bacon, 2 slices of light toast and chocolate milk. I also loved my lunch of melted cheese on homemade wheat bread and a cabbage salad. I'm looking forward to a healthy dinner too---a new Hungry Girl receipe.

--I had a few setbacks---too many choc covered peanuts, and a little too much of the dessert bread somebody brought---but although I opened my pop-tart crisps, I discovered I didn't want them and put them back. Also yesterday, I had a lot of flame doritos, but looking back, I ate a really normal to small amount of them. I also said no to buying the Halloween Oreos--that one took a little will-power, but only a little--they're expensive, we didn't need them and I'll get them when we come back for Halloween. That didn't feel like a diet decision--more of a life decision.

Also, I acted on the thought to call my sister. Much better to just do it than to avoid it. I getting much better at facing avoidant behaviors. My instinct is still to run, but I am slowly improving.

So the verdice is YES!! I am far from a hopeless case!!!! Take that subconscious negative voice!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mindful Hummus

Oh WOW WOW WOW!! I'm just back from the Nashville conference. If you ever get the chance stay at the Gaylord Opryland. I won't even try to describe it--other than to say it includes an indoor boat ride through the hotel. Go look it up and book your vacation--completely mindblowing.

Food-wise--all I can say is that I HOPE I'm moving through the IE process. We left on Wednesday and yes, on Sunday at the airport when everyone else ordered Wendy's, I went to the other deli and ordered the fruit and cheese tray and some pretzels and hummus and an 80 cal mango shake. VERY intuitive. I was junkfood and sugared OUT. (I say was because that was yesterday---today I'm perfectly ready to indulge again. The problem is that it take SOOO MUCH food to get me to that point! And even if I know I'm not eating intuitively, I usually can't stop so it doesn't seem to have any practical value. Case in point--went to the Grand ol Opry. We didn't have time to eat before we went, so we were stuck with concession food junk---beside, this was the Opry--my mind yells that this is a golden chance to splurge---Must say IE is helping with this--I did realize that it wasn't a splurge so much as just another night of eating what I wanted---Anyway, they had tempting bags of garlic-parmesan popcorn. I bought one. Blech. Did they pop it last week?? I think before IE I would have eaten it anyway. I had ZERO trouble not eating it and throwing the bag away after the program even though it was a waste of $4. I was able to see that whether or not I ate the popcorn, I would still have wasted $4. Good right? Yes!!! I ordered the hotdog and big pretzel I wanted instead. I knew I was more than done with the pretzel by the time I was 1/3 through. Did I stop? NO way! I ate the whole thing AND I ate the horrible cheese sauce it came with. Here's another IE moment--the vast conference dessert bar. I had exactly what I wanted--fruit, a cheery tart, a brownie tart, a "shot" of key lime pie, some other desserts I can't even remember and a flan--the flan was great--served plain in little bowls, you could then go to the topping bar--where i topped it with caramel, a heap of candied walnuts, dark chocolate shavings, real whipped cream and a cherry. True, I didn't touch the bananas flambe, the ice-cream or the peach cobbler, and I didn't have seconds on the other desserts--but it's hard to see virtue in that when I "intuitively" went back for TWO more bowls of loaded flan. I'd love to call this progress--but I don't know. With stuff like this I've always been at least somewhat intuitive, and maybe that's why I don't weight 400 pounds, but it's going to be hard to get to goal weight stuffing myself with flan and pretzels. Worse, one day I wasn't even hungry--but it was a chance to get away to eat at the opryland backstage grill. I had buffalo wings and fried green tomatoes--fantastic!! It was the best food of the whole conference. I wasn't hungry, but I'm glad I ate it. What on earth is my poor brain supposed to do with that????

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

a new thought

A lot to say today. First off, I'm going to stop counting days. It doesn't seem relevant anymore--these aren't days ticking off being good or sticking to a difficult plan--this is a blog about becoming healthier and more comfortable in my skin and healing my relationship with food.

One thing that's becoming hugley apparent to me is that I'm massively suseptible to my surroundings and occasions. I don't know what to do with myself this month--I'm leaving for Nashville in the morning, and then to Disney World (WOW!!!) on the 17th. Both food disasters--Disney especially--it's the food and wine festival. But other than that, I think I want to try to manage my surroundings better, because as you'll read here, I really can't handle being near food.

Friday was my Dad's birthday and Lisa made a pampered chef concoction to DIE for! in a 9x7 ish pan--the first layer is chocolate chip cookie dough, next layer reeses peanut butter cups, top layer carmel truffle brownie mix. Bake. It was EXACTLY what I wanted. I had two pieces and asked for more to take home. I did well with the cake at home. I didn't have any on Saturday after the marathon, because I didn't want any. On Sunday, I took my great big piece out to eat, but only had 1/2 of it. The reason I stopped was because the dessert was soooo good, and I could tell that I wasn't tasting it or enjoying quite as much as I was at first--it was too good to not enjoy it to the full, so I stopped to save it for another time. PERFECT intuitive eating behavior.

Yesterday I went to the first of 3 intuitive eating classes here. The instructor was pregnant and it inspired a new thought. One of my fears with IE is that I won't be able to do it because I had SUCH a hard time with it when I was pregnant. At the time I wasn't on IE or anything particular--but my pregnant body shut down and refused to eat fat, sugars or salt. I lost a ton of weight without dieting---on the contrary, I was trying to eat as much as I could manage so as not to starve the baby. The fear comes from my memory of being so frustrated that I couldn't eat!! I especially remember going to a fabulous rib place--I knew the food was great, it was also out of our normal budget so it was a special treat and....I just couldn't eat it. I think I ordered an english muffin (dry). I felt left out and that I was missing out!! I wanted BBQ ribs and I could have had them, but my body just didn't want them.

Okay. HOW on earth am I going to live IE when I so deeply resent saying no to food EVEN when I don't want it???!!! Yesterday, at the class, it occured to me for the first time to challenge my memory of being pregnant. Yes, I was frustrated at the rib place--but that is the ONLY specific frustration memory I have! Looking back, I wonder if in reality I was ok with what I was eating most of the time and if the frustrating times were just once in a while?!!! On IE--that would be just fine! If most of the time I'm eating according to need, and then have the occasional rib blow-out--fine!!

I was excited about this new thought. Which makes my behavior last night disappointing. We forgot to buy meat so we went to Zuppa's where I ate past fullness--though I was excited that the soup and sandwich got me past fullness. That wouldn't have been horrible, but Dave took me for a surprise trip to subzero ice-cream. I didn't want ice-cream at all, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings either. No prob--I ordered the smallest possible with the idea that I would nibble and take it home. Even the kid's size portion is enormous AND there was a special so everything came in a waffle bowl. I nibbled as planned, until I discovered that sub-zero waffle bowls are GOOD--normally I don't even like waffle bowls. In the end I nibbled my way through all of the ice-cream and most of the bowl. sigh.

Saturday, September 29, 2012


OWWWWW--NEVER will I do another half-marathon without really good prep!! Just walking to work and back does NOT do the job!! The huntsville marathon was downhill and gorgeous and I had good friends, but oh my gosh! At mile 5 I felt as though one of my preventative toe bandaids had slipped. Uh no. That was skin slipping off. Got a bandaid on that--and that was really the only blister problem I had. I HUGE improvement! Actually, the first 6 miles went really well---below Disney marathon speed. At mile 8 the heavy birthday dinner I ate last night at Lisa made itself felt--luckily a porta-potty was near and I felt much better after. Between miles 9 and 10 my legs from the calves down started feeling weird, about mile 11 the cramping started. Nausea began coming back. I tried to drink a little at the aid station but couldn't manage much. I ate an apple hoping this was an electrolyte problem and the apple might help. I think it did help a little--but those last two miles were really rough. I was NOT walking fast, and I felt badly for holding my friends back--they simply would not go on ahead! I was dying to just find some shade and collapse, but at the end of the race when I finall tried doing that--I couldn't!! Sitting or lying down made my legs seize up. Dave came then. I limped around in a small circle for over an hour, and threw up a little before I dared to try to sit in the car for the trip home. Never again! I love half-marathons, but I want to RUN them in reasonable amounts of time without major meltdowns at the end. Happily, with a snowcone, some ice-chips some ibu-profin and some water I recovered enough that I could rest for a few hours when we got home. I feel fine now except for the normal sore feet. I celebrated with Pie calzones and cheesy bread (of course my stomach is fine). Now I'm on my way to soak in a very hot bath and hopefully enjoy a good night's sleep sans cramps.

Friday, September 28, 2012

559 Ugh! FULL

Ugh! Last night was a great example of non-intuitive unconscious eating. It was going to be a long night. Immediately after work I went with a friend to pick up our race packets for tomorrow. AFter that I dropped of my friend, dashed home grabbed harp music and visiting teaching stuff and went to Barbacoa--the new mexican fast food place--like Cafe Rio. The burritos only come in one size--huge. I wasn't hungry, but I knew I wouldn't get to eat until very late. I had a book--and so wolfed down the big burrito and chips WAAAAAAY past point of fullness. I staggared out--went to harp, did my visiting teaching and got home around 9 pm. Tired, but happy it was done. I didn't eat breakfast this morning until 10:00 when I got a little hungry at work and had some oatmeal. Lunch will be in an hour, but I'm still overfull. Does this stop me from wanting lunch? Not a bit!! My stomach is making odd noises still trying to digest last night's burrito--but I'm imagining it means that I'm hungry. Tonight we go to SLC for Dad's birthday. Lisa is making carrot cake. I love carrot cake. Depending how I feel--I will attempt to eat a reasonable amount of dinner and save room for the cake rather than just stuffing it in on top of everything else. Why is this so hard??? I don't even WANT food right now and I still want to eat! What's going on emotionally? I'm a little stressed about going to SLC, but really far less than I normally am. I wish I could stay home and decorate for Halloween rather than go to SLC, but it's hardly a big disappointment--I'll still decorate slowly the rest of the weekend. I'm a little tired, but not unduly so. I'm excited for the 1/2 marathon tomorrow, I'm a little annoyed by work in general. It's a beautiful fall day, I had a lovely walk to work, I'm glad it's Friday. In short--nothing unusual or particuarly difficult about the day to cause me to want to overeat. It's just plain HABIT!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

558 Tired

I'm learning that I do get tired after a sugar load. Last night I ate a small bowl of ice-cream and two cookies and I was ready for bed! I could sense that excercise might help, but Dave was stretching with the TV. I'm sure I've reacted to sugar before, but I don't really remember food ever affecting me one way or the other. This is probably a really good discovery to make! I've also been doing a little better not eating in response to tiredness. I know candy will just make it worse, and it helps to know that I'm just tired, not hungry and if I wanted to solve tiredness by food, I'd have to eat for 8 hours straight--sounds fun, but even I'm not quite prepared to do that!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

557 Small Spaghetti

Marathon approaching---I haven't been taking it seriously enough. But hopefully my schedule will allow me to try the Disneyland half marathon and that one I DO have to take seriously, because I'll have to finish in 3.5 hours.

IE continues very slowly. I took some crackers to work the other day and noticed that I only taken 8 or 9. On WW I would always have taken the max of 13 and you can bet I would have eaten every bit. Last night I wasn't very hungry for dinner, and in consequence ate a small amount of spaghetti. There are still too many other meals where I way more than I should, but slowly slowly slowly I think I'm beginning to let go just a little bit.

I'm still trying to be reasonably healthy too. Today I brought both carrots and chips and cheese to work. I made sure I ate the carrots. Later this afternoon, IF I want them, I'll eat the chips and cheese. Thighs still feel fat, but my weight seems to be holding steady.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

554 missed walk

Made a mistake today--I wanted a good long walk and didn't take it, opting instead for a nap that I didn't particuarly want or need on the grounds that it was Sunday and it would be a shame to miss a chance to nap! Amazing how profoundly habits affect our lives (one of the messages from the Brigham City Temple dedication today). The habit is to nap on Sundays--therefore to not nap on Sundays carries with it a real sense of loss. Same with food---my habit is to eat large, rich portions. When I don't, regardless of how I feel physically, there is a sense of loss.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

553 Hike and a party and oil.

Well, I must be doing something right. I hiked to the first bridge on the way to waterfall canyon today and it was pretty easy. There have been times when that was a tough little hike. Today it was easy. I would have loved to have gone all the up to the waterfall, but didn't dare to. My arthritic knees dont bother me too much in regular life, but that hike above the bridge is all uneven rocks and slippery shale--up is fine, but down was a serious problem last time. I didn't want to risk a turned ankle and wrecked knees the week before the marathon. I brought a granola bar to eat at the bridge, but didn't eat it. Better yet, I hardly thought about eating it. I didn't have to check in with my hunger or any of that. I just didn't want it. Nice! I've exactly what I wanted for both breakfast and lunch and tonight we're going to a work social for Dave. Normally, I'd be too excited about the food that might be there--but not today. I'm sure it will be good and I'm sure I'll enjoy it, but I'm not fantasizing about it or looking forward to it with too much enthusiasm.

And now a word about olive oil. I'm trying an experiment. On weight watchers youre supposed to have 2 tsp of healthy oil every day. I never did that figuring I usually had more than enough fats in my diet healthy and otherwise. Well, while I was on WW I begin to experience overactive bladder. These symptoms seemed to ease up whenever I was off plan. It's been much better with IE, but not back to normal--especially if there's ever a time when I eat lightly. I have no idea if a lack of healthy fat can trigger an overactive bladder--and I still maintain that I eat more than enough fats--but I'm trying the ww suggestion of making sure I have 2 tsp of healthy oil a day--usually in the form of olive oil that I eat with bread. Too early to tell if it makes a difference. I sure hope so. It would be an easy and pleasant fix.

Friday, September 21, 2012

552 Plenty

I rediscovered Applebees. When did they get so good?? It's been an interesting time food-wise. I feel like a little kid--only this time instead of a mother wanting me to eat, I'm the one eating. I'm not quite sure what--but I know I'm doing something right--Maybe it's just as simple as the book says--I'm eating--not going out of my way to overeat, but eating--and I will continue eating until I really believe that I can and then I won't care as much--just like the way I treat water. I drink quite a lot of water, but I don't monitor it closely---and I do go through phases where I'll drink very little and others where I guzzle by the gallon, but most of the time it's a happy medium. Anyway---kind of a funny experience today. It's the 75th anniversary of The Hobbit and facebook sent out an invite to celebrate by having a second breakfast at 11:00. So I bought muffins for everyone at work to be eaten at 11:00. I would have much preferred the muffin either at 10 or after lunch, but I ate it at 11 as part of the celebration. It felt funny to be annoyed by "having" to eat a muffin--darn it! I just didn't want it quite then.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

550 Irrational fears

One of the problems with exploring the roots of an addiction is that it's so embarrassing!!!Can I really be so shallow and silly and faithless?? Apparently I can and it's a horrible thought!! So---today I haven't been honoring my fullness very well at all. What's wrong? I'm honestly not sure, but here's what I think it might be, sad to say!

I distrust happiness! Yesterday, for possibly the first time in my life, I got news of my family that wasn't awful. Dad is doing better! He feels encouraged and happy. Lisa seems pleased with my efforts. The Sherlocks are doing wonders with Mom's house. We can celebrate Dad's birthday on the day leaving me my weekend free to run the half-marathon. I've been planning our Disneyworld trip. I did offer up what is perhaps the most shallow prayer of my life a while ago--asking God that if it's possible, I would really like this Disneyworld trip to be a good one--that I could go free of feeling burdened with my family. I'd also like good health and stamina. And I feel as though my prayer will be answered! So what's the problem? I think I have my heart set too much on this trip. I've wanted to go to Disneyworld my whole life, thanks to Catherine's discount, we can really do this trip right. It's 10 1/2 days of pure Disney bliss. I think I might be overeating today out of some subliminal worry that something is going to happen to mess this up. My family will blow up emotionally, or someone will die, or one of us will get sick, or my knee will go out. Good grief!!! I have ZERO control over any of that (except maybe getting sick, and I can only do my best there). I have been blessed and helped over and over and over and over again. Surely I can trust that God will help me with this trip. If something does go wrong--well, so be it. I can also trust that God had a good reason for that too. But really, I think I need to remember the famous serenity prayer. Also, just take one day at a time. Today. A good day!! The weather is beautiful and I can work on my Halloween costume when I get home. Work is good. There is plenty of joy to be had today--not just next month when it's time for the trip. I think I feel a little bit better for having written this out. :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

548 Holding steady

Yesterday was a weird day. We had a 4 hour meeting in the middle of the afternoon. I thought they were feeding us lunch, but they weren't--so I grabbed a hamburger before the meeting. Man, Weber really needs to beef up its food court. I'm not liking this trend of sitting in half-darkness watching powerpoints for hours. Especially for 4 hours when the topic is computer stuff. Halfway through we broke for snacks. I wasn't hungry, but I WAS bored. I knew I was bored, and I deliberately had a plateful just to keep myself awake. It wasn't bad stuff, and I tried to emphasize the veggies. Also, I noticed that all of my skinny co-workers had some too. I suppose it would have been better not to eat since I wasn't hungry--or to have stuck solely with the veggies (roast beef and cheese were the other two big items). But it's nice to know that I'm holding steady at 190. I feel fat and as heavy as a rock, but I'm keeping at it. I didn't eat breakfast today until I got to work and was hungry for it. I had lunch after my class and tonight, I'm taking two sweet ladies from the ward out for ice-cream. It's good to feel as though I CAN take them out and it's not blowing my diet. I'm also beginning to want things that are fiber-heavy and substantial--less sugary. Wouldn't it be great if THAT took hold!?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

546 insecure

Try try try try try. I feel insecure today. It's simply going to take time to figure out such basic things--when I'm hungry, when I'm full, what I need and what I don't. And I'm not at all sure I can learn these things without gaining a ton of weight. And I really don't want to gain a ton, but I DO want to learn this thing and be at peace once and for all with portions!!!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

545 Better

Yesterday I did well. I don't know about perfect, but well. I tried hard to listen to my hunger at dinner even though we went out for a free burrito (HUGE). I tried hard to listen today too. One struggle which I hope will ease up, is that I seem to go from full to ravenous in an instant. Today I ate a very good breakfast--walked 6 miles with a friend to prep for the marathon. Then wasn't very hungry at all--so I thought I'd sew till Dave came home. He came home almost immediately and began to fix a brunch for himself. After watching him cook for 1/2 hour, I began to be a little hungry and thought it just as well to have a little something since it was a normal lunch time. I had a fresh tomato, a thin bagel with broiled cheese and a few crackers and cheeseball. After eating, I wanted food much more than when I had begun, but I could tell I wasn't really hungry, so I stopped and took a nap. Later, we went shopping and I wisely ate a muffin for a snack. Did just fine till smack in the middle of the grocery store--STARVED!! I did the best I could with the pizza tonight--but really, I wish getting hungry was more of a gradual thing.

Friday, September 14, 2012

544 STOP!!!

This is NOT okay!! My pants yesterday were tight---well, those are my smallest jeans...but my shorts today are also tight. NOT OKAY! Everything is feeling tight and I know I've gained weight. My guess is a solid 10 pounds. So what to do??? I'm regrouping right now. I'm not going back to weight watchers (I like having fingernails), but I obviously need some boundaries. Where will those boundaries come from?


IE doesn't say to go on an eating free for all. It says that I am the boss and the only one who can when I'm full or what I want. However, here's the sad bottom line-

I am almost always going to be full physcially BEFORE I am done eating emotionally.

That means that even with IE I am going to WANT more food than I get. And that might feel like a diet. At least until that magical time when I can adjust.

That means that if I'm eating when I'm full that I AM OFF PLAN!! There IS a plan. And if I don't want to blow up like a balloon and go diabetic, I need to start paying aattention. Or--to put a more positive spin on things---if I want to be healthy, feel great, live longer, live better and feel good about myself, I need to start paying attention.

How will this look in real life? I'll eat breakfast and also other meals even if I'm not particuarly hungry if it's not realistic to eat them later. I'll do my best to make sure that the main parts of the meal are healthy so that I'm doing the actually filling up with healthy foods. Desserts and the like are fine but in moderation--basic grandma rules---she wouldn't approve of just cookies for dinner. There are no "special occasions" because I can eat whatever I want any day. But Christmas, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving the day after Thanksgiving, my birthday are free for alls. Vacations aren't exactly total free-for alls, but I refuse to worry about food.

That's the basic idea. It's going to take a whole lot of work to wrap my mind around STOPPING when I need to, and also not freaking out about success. And not freaking out if I know I'm eating lightly. It's okay to eat lightly! A salad with light dressing is fine, even if it only has 50 calories, if that's all I want, then it's FINE. Likely, I'll want more than that, or more than that very soon and that's FINE.

Today I had cream of wheat with blueberries. I was hungry so I had a snack of an apple and some nuts. Lunch is homemade clam chowder with--and here's where it's tricky---some little bread rounds and hummus or crakers and cheeseball--but SMALL portions. Dinner is either mexican or pizza--again SMALL portions. If I'm still hungry I can have another portion OR go home and have something healthy to top off with. Challenging but good. I'm going to resume reading the losingweighteveryday blog. I haven't been reading it because he's on such a restrictive diet that is counter to what IE practices. BUT--he's enormously positive and his message is less about his exact plan than it is to make up your mind to succeed and suceed. I need that. Tomorrow should be good as well. I'm walking 6 miles. This isn't to punish myself for being fat, but to prepare myself for the half-marathon in 15 days (YIKES!).

I also need to track here what I'm doing and how it's going.

OKAY! Better days ahead!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

542 Still too excited

Whatever it was that I wanted yesterday, I didn't get it, but I survived. AFter work I had to run straight off to RS where I was presenting--so no dinner. BUT there were snacks--I had some ritz peanut butter crackers and a "tablet" (scottish sugar lump), a little cornbread round and a piece of pie. NOT great food by a long shot--but at least I didn't feel compelled to run home and have dinner on top of that too. Tomorrow we're having a pot-luck at work and people seem to be bringing all of my weaknesses--crackers and cheese types of appetizers. Things ARE improving---I'm still way too excited about the pot luck, but I'm not ferociously excited if that makes sense. I'm feeling much less anxious about hunger and consequently, eating. However, it's also that much easier to be careless and just have stuff because I can---too easy to forget to see if I want it (of course!)--I mean really want it physically.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

541 A munchie day

I don't know what my body is missing today, but it's a munchie kind of a day. It's also a good day---a tang in the air, Catherine's at Harry Potter World, I have a good book, I'm actually looking forward to RS tonight (travel around the world), I'm doing Japan. It's day's like this that are already full of good things that I want to add even MORE wonderful things in the form of food. Although--I'm not feeling gluttonus today--and the compulsion to eat is definitley diminishing---but i had an early lunch and whatever it is my body wants, it hasn't quite gotten, but I don't know what it wants.

Monday, September 10, 2012

540 happier body

Ok, I've gotta find a balance here. Parts of my body at least are LOVING IE--specifically a big increase in healthy oils--lots of olive oils and olives. My overactive bladder is no longer a problem--that's without drugs which never worked very well, and my fingernails are so much stronger!!! Weak fingernails are actually a symptom of arthritis, so I don't know if I'll ever get my nice pre-arthritic nails back, but this is an excellent start!! It was at the point where my fingernails were tissue paper fragile. SO--increase in oils good--overeating especially a bunch of suger, perhaps not quite so good? Easily put 1/2 my dinner at Nothing but Noodles away. I just looked at that bowl of macaroni and realized that my body did NOT want all that macaroni. Later I had a small glass of milk and two cookies---too much. I didn't want them, but I have the hardest time once I've got out some food to then not eat it. Another struggle---leftover cravings. Maybe I'll want something today but can't get it for some reason. Craving passes. Food arrives 3 days later. I think I MUST have it! I've been wanting it!!! I MUST have it. Even though I really don't want it anymore.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

538 Second place!

Dave and I ran/walked the stake 5K today and I took 2nd place in my age division! (I strongly suspect that there might have only been 2 of us in that division the 46-50 group, but since I don't actually KNOW that, I think I'll go ahead and assume that there were at least 20 of us. My time was 43:09--hardly lightning speed, but I did manage to beat a few toddlers and geriatrics. But what's really encouraging is that that time is good enough for the Disneyland half-marathon which requires a 17 minute mile. This time was well below that, but keeping it up for 13 miles is another matter.

A couple good IE things today--although, as usual, I'm still eating far too much fat and sweets. The free breakfast after the race was pretty bad. I ate the banana and apple juice, but managed to throw away at least 1 of the little scone nuggets that was dry and served without syrup. After the race, I went to the library and shopping for material for a Halloween costume. I wasn't hungry when I left, but was suddenly starving 5 minutes later. I had a biscotti at the library. I knew the fabric store would take some time, and I considered stopping somewhere for lunch, but what I really wanted was a grilled reuben sandwich at home. So I made sure I got it. Later, there was the opening picnic for Dave. I ate too many crackers with salami and cheese, but otherwise looking back on it, I ate pretty reasonably--had a little of everything I wanted--realized I didn't want a full blown burger and just ate the meat. And just ate one brownie for dessert---I wasn't interested in the cookies or rice krispie treats. Actually, I wasn't all that interested in the brownie either--I should have stopped a minute to think through what I really wanted (homemade ice-cream). I wound up having a little ice-cream too later on.

All in all, I imagine today probably kept my weight at status-quo. Ok. Actually, I'd be thrilled to find out thats actually the case--then I'd know I'd either be keeping it here or heading downward.

Friday, September 7, 2012

537 Intuitive by Force

Darn skinny people! I'd forgotten I was invited to a breakfast at work today. Breakfast is a major weakness, because I so rarely get a really elaborate breakfast--and this one was good---fancy muffins, croissants, fruit, potatoes, eggs, waffles, sausage and BACON!! But every single person at my table was skinny. I bowed to peer pressure and had a reasonable amount (but still plenty calorie laden). I was comforted by the thought that I had brought lunch, so if I got hungry later there was plenty I could have. But darn it. I know full well, that if others hadn't been there, I would have eaten more. Even as it was I was probably full before my plate was empty. I made SOME good IE decisions---but it's hard to feel victorious when I don't feel glad about eating less. I was full enough, but I really would have liked more of everything. Tonight I have a wedding reception too. Sigh---the good life is good in every way except this one. Too much of good foody things.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

536 No so bad

Ok. 190 still. Not SO frightful. Only 7 pounds up from the WW low. That makes me feel a little better and also more willing to eat right. I want to sign up for the 1st part of an IE class here. What I NEED is the second part where they talk about application, but I'll be in Disneyworld overindulging in both exercise AND food. The watchword of the day--or rather the past several days is "Let it go". I CAN let it go--the part of the sandwich I don't want, the second helping I don't want, the ice-cream I'm not in the mood for, the cookies at the party I'm not in the mood for---regardless of the occasion (christmas chocolate??!!!) I CAN let it go. The other thing I can let go of? Fat. Nowhere is is written that I must be fat. It is engrained in my identity, but neither of my parents was fat. Both were good looking. I can be good looking too!!! I have the genes for it!! I CAN let go of the past, I CAN live in the present and be open to being a slim middle aged and older person. Why not? I have all eternity to live. I CAN live it in the normal shape I was meant to have all along. I CAN stop sabotaging my own efforts. Saying "no" to some food or large amount does not mean I'm on a diet or that I "can't" have it. It means I either don't want it--or I choose not to have it in the same way I might choose not to buy something I want and there might be many reasons that drive that decision. I dont need to overanaylize or worry. I can just LET IT GO.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

535 where I really am

Sigh. Breakfast was perfect and perfectly filling---cream of wheat with blueberries. No temptation to have extra milk because I knew I could and I was fine. I got to attend a special lunch with the WSU pres today. They served potato bar. I'm not a big fan of potato bars. Neither the cheese sauce or the chili appealed to me, and the dressing they had for the salad was ranch. Blah. I skipped the roll and butter adn the chili, put a little cheese sauce on the brocolli. BUT I had two of the dessert bars on the vague ground that I really wanted them. I'm hungry again now which is good.

I guess the thing to really accept with IE is to find out WHERE I REALLY AM. And I'm scared to death that where I really am is over 200 lbs. But I feel like my weight with ww was artificially low--I had to fight and sweat and strain to get there and it never felt natural. At least if I'm where I really am both in habits and the weight that those habits bring me I can move down for real and really maintain the loss. This is how I lost the original 20--but my goodness was it slow!!!! I can be content (sort of) with slow, but not stopped. And I can tell the weight I've gained has gone to my thighs. What has changed since Iowa? I'm willing to exercise more--I walk 1/2 marathons now and enjoy 5K's. I have many more healthy receipes. But I haven't lost the desire to eat huge portions (though I did leave some potato behind), or to eat super high fat restaurant foods.

Maybe a little good old-fashioned nutritional advice might help. WHY is a big plate of greasy nachos bad for me? How exactly does my body deal with a load of fat and sugars and carbs like that? Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be quite as eager to indulge. I think I'll check out the book "You on a diet." I thumbed through it briefly once and even that helped. In my mind, if I eat a brownie nothing much happens. But the book points out that quite a lot happens on a cellular level at least.

Monday, September 3, 2012

533 a reeses egg

Fabulous time at Park City. And the food! Oddly, was rather IE. We were good and hungry for dinner (the deal included a 3 course meal)--holy cow! My appetizer alone would have cost $24. However my main dish was a little disappointing, and I didn't eat much of it, and I was full so I hardly touched dessert. I left most of the next day's lunch too, and then yesterday was fast Sunday--had a snack then a reasonable dinner at my Uncle's. IE says something that I like very much. It's talking about favorite "bad" foods and some people have a hard time with those for fear that once they allow themselves what they want, they won't stop eating. IE suggests taking the foods one at a time and eating them until you really and truly believe that you can eat them and---here's the magic---eventually you won't need to PROVE to yourself that you can have them by eating them.

This will take some time. I'm doing fairly well today, except that when I saw the halloween reeses pumpkins (remember my fondness for the Reeses Easter eggs?), I bought four. I wasn't in the mood to have one after lunch today, but something compelled me to eat one anyway. I can't understand it. I didn't want it. I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have another time. Why Why Why did I eat it anyway??? Maybe because it's Labor Day and so I have the day off and this is a lingering symptom of a "special occasion so I'd better eat?" Maybe that's it. Maybe I should start each morning reminding myself, "Today is or is not a "special occasion" day. So I can eat if I wan't to and I can leave it alone if I want to."

Friday, August 31, 2012

530 "ripped off?"

Fun time at the weber state block party. I actually did the big obsticle course--felt like a fool (someone took a video and I looked like a fool too), but I'm proud of myself for doing it. I want to keep doing the fun stuff even when I get old and the only way to make sure that happens is to do the fun stuff now, even at the risk of looking silly. So, kudos to me for that! Today was the "taste of the town" I only paid $5 for it, but I was annoyed that literally half the places had run out of food by the time I got there. Yet, what I had was plenty and the price was cheap, so why do I feel ripped off? Classic little kid style envy. I saw what the others had and although mine was enough, I felt cheated. This is also classic diet feeling--whether or not I have enough or more than enough or the best stuff on earth, there is always a feeling that somehow someone else has more or better. Childish and ridiculous, but real just the same and it trips me up!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

529 example

Got to see some IE in action yesterday at a baby shower. 7 year old very skinny girl goes up to the treat buffet, takes one chocolate chip cookie--wanders around the room for a bit nibbling, then goes back to the buffet gets a plate and loads up on fruit. 18 month old brother gets a strawberry--mom says she doesn't like him to get the chocolate chip cookies because he only eats the chips out of them. PERFECT. Why can't I get the hang of that?

Tomorrow sybolizes what will one day be a success for me I hope. It's the block party at Weber and some restauraunts are coming with food for those who bought a ticket. Of course I bought a ticket. After work, we're going to Park City to celebrate Mom's house being done. This includes a three course meal at a fancy Italian restaurant. Someday, I want to look forward to a day like tomorrow--including looking forward to the food, WITHOUT thinking of it as an excuse to overeat. Amazing how powerful that feeling is. I'm not interested in honoring my hunger! I somehow think I'll be happier overeating. Will I be happier overeating? Not so very deep down, I'm afraid I think the answer is YES!

Maybe that's what I'll really look at tomorrow. If I overeat---how do I really feel? Will I really enjoy everything? and if the answer is an honest "YES" what do I do about that?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

528 Carrying on

Yikes! I don't want to become an erratic blogger. I think one of the hardest things about IE is the illusion that it's easy. Because I think it's easy I have less to blog about--sort of. Truth is, if I pay attention, I have as much as ever to say because it's a struggle. I wish I could marry IE to weight watchers. IE nails my problem on the head time and time and time again--it is SO refreshing to feel understood, if only by a book. On the other hand, it isn't all that great about telling me what to do! And the lazy part of my wants very much for someone to just tell me what to do, rather than to thrash this all out for myself. Anyway, one obsticle--IE keeps telling me to trust myself around food--especially "forbidden" foods. Actually, that's not so much of a problem. It's "forbidden" portions. Letting that go is SCARY. Give myself full permission to eat how much I want all the time? Actually, I do that quite a lot anyway. There is a fine line---if I really said ok to that would I eventually stop wanting so much? Or would I simply relax into a new "natural" weight of 300 lbs? Would there really be a difference? All my life have I been overeating because it was somehow the last time or a special occasion? This blog certainly testifies to the huge number of "special occasions."

Saturday, August 25, 2012

524 First Experiment

Okay! First day's experiment results are in and I.....drum roll....need practice! Maybe I shouldn't have skipped breakfast--but honestly, I wasn't in the least hungry. I was still stuffed from yesterday. Instead, I had some water, and walk/ran a 5K. Still not hungry. Had some more water and made my mom's pflaumekuchen (plum cake--the real thing with loads of butter), put that in the oven and mowed the lawn. Still not hungry--had more water. When the cake had cooled a bit, I WAS ready to eat a little. It was surprisingly hard to cut myself a small piece!!! I had to tell myself several times that I could have more if I wanted. I did succeed in having a small piece and a small glass of milk. I was perfectly content--but still a little freaked out that here was all this pflaumekuchen and I had hardly touched it!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! You know the motto, "make peace with food" ?--for me, I think it's going to be "making peace with portions". Anyway, I had some errands to run and when I came back I was ready for lunch. Ok, I think. I was truly hungry--I had a grilled cheese sandwich, some olives, some doritos and some raw cauliflower. After I'd eaten that, I'm not sure if I was still hungry or if I just wanted more cake? Cake won. I had a larger piece than I'd had before (because I happend to cut it that way) and some more milk. Had a nap, and went to SLC for a birthday party. I wasn't hungry when we left, and wasn't consciously all that hungry when we got there, but my body must have been really hungry. It was difficult to speak to people I was so eager to get to the table--that annoyed me. I did NOT succeed in dishing up small portions there. I ate two plates of fruit, chips and dip (my favorite) and two hotdogs, plus cake and ice-cream.

So--ok, I think skipping breakfast might be a bad idea even if I'm not hungry, especially if I exercise. The first small piece of cake was a success and so was adding the cauliflower to lunch. I will build on that tomorrow. One thing I did right when I was pregnant was to try to eat as healthily as I could when I could eat. I want to do the same here. If for whatever reason my body doesn't want a lot of food--I think it's important to make sure that overall the food I do eat has nutritional value.

I'm frustrated with my reaction at the party--not just that I ate a lot, but that I wanted so much. I feel a little betrayed. I WAS honoring both my hunger and my fullness all day long and then suddenly I just had to eat a big birthday dinner? Why didn't my body reward my efforts with a normal sized appetite at dinner?? Maybe it was backlash from skipping breakfast, but it's still annoying.

Tomorrow is another day, and I like this idea of practicing portions. Obviously, there is a lot of work to be done.

Friday, August 24, 2012

an experiment tomorrow

Well, I broke my word and got on the scale the other day. I know I've been overeating. Each day, I make MANY correct IE choices, but unfortunatley each day I make too many dumb choices and I feel fat and bloated. 190. However, I was dressed and was feeling bloated, which is probably why I weighed myself then because I wouldn't have to really accept the weight I saw.

Ok, here's tomorrow's experiment. I honestly and truly have not been wanting as much food as I've been eating. But if it's offered to me, or it's on my plate, I have a devil of a time saying no--even if I don't want it! So---just for tomorrow, I'm going to serve myself up little portions and take those little portions away from the main source of the food. If I'm still hungry I can go back for seconds or even thirds or fourths or whatever--but if I'm full maybe it will be a little bit easier to say I'm done.

I suspect that if I could just let go and let my body do what it wants it really might revert back to something very similar to when I was pregant--that is, I'm carring around so much extra, that I doubt my body wants or needs very much food at all at this point. I bet my body WANTS to eat like a mouse until I get to whatever my normal size is, and then I bet my appetite will increase to a normal size to maintain that weight. I just need to get out of my own way. MUCH harder than it sounds!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

512 Learning something?

Did I say yesterday that I was learning something here? i doesn't feel like it. I made a pig of myself last night. Well, maybe I have learned something about myself as an emotional eater--the number one emotion that triggers eating for me is celebration--whether that's joy or a nice day or just plain relief. Negative emotions shut me down. Weird, but I really don't eat in response to stress, sadness, anger or other negatives. But happiness?? That's different. To me, food is like salt, it just makes everything better--so if I'm already happy--I wan't to eat for sure!

Yesterday was a relief eat. Dave surpassed himself and went all the way to SLC to take my nephew back to school shopping. I couldn't go with (and didn't want to!) and it felt GREAT. I got my church work done and then I took myself out to Sizzler which was foolish financially as well as waist-wise. I ate WAY past the point of fullness--to the point where I came home and unbuttoned my pants which is rare behavior for me. The only good news here is that eating a large salad, a steak, potato, texas toast and a sundae hasn't always or even often, been enough to bring me to stomach-ache fullness. While it was still WAAAAAY too much food, I'm relieved that it felt like way too much. It's also been nice not to force myself back on a diet today. I ate a little bit for a late breakfast, and then I was hungry for lunch. I just wish I would hurry up and begin naturally undereating so my body could be brought back into line!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

511 A better day!

PHEW!!! Amazing how things can turn around. It was a difficult and nerve wracking weekend. Would the DI pod come so we could load stuff at Mom's? (yes) Would Christine actually get stuff out of the house? (not really) Would anyone come to help? (YES!)

For a lot of reasons that I don't want to rehash here--lack the energy, and it wouldn't be helpful anyway--I spent Sunday and most of yesterday furious at my sister. I don't like feeling that way. It's exhausting, and negative and worst of all purposeless.

But today is a new day. We got a lot done cleaning-wise at the house, and best of all one of the new owners came by and saw that we were doing it. That's what I really wanted. Mom's house is old and isn't really cleanable anymore because it needs to be re-painted--so you can scrub all you like and it still looks dirty because it's just stained. At least they know we're trying. Whether or not my sister actually loaded everything up in the pod before they took it away this morning I don't know or really care. If they didn't--I'll drop everything I can carry on her front porch and that's the end of that. I feel now, as though the rest of the work is doable and it will be DONE on Friday. This is an enormous elephant weight off my shoulders. Even better today--Dave asked last night if my nephew had school supplies? I told him I wouldn't be surprised if the answer was no. I thought school started next week, but no, it starts tomorrow! Dave is still going to go to SLC and take him shopping. I can't go and I think it's a good thing for them to spend some time together. I'm so blessed to have such a terrific husband! I'd been wondering about that too, but lacked the energy to follow up

What does this have to do with food? Nothing perhaps, except that life has to do with food and emotions definitley do. I think things are slowly healing and improving even though my eating has been weird by diet standards. I AM having meals where I'm eating lightly or not at all. I still have trouble with others---I ate a kids meal for dinner last night and didn't even finish the bag of salt and vinegar chips. After cleaning, I still wasn't hungry, but Dave wanted ice-cream. Well!! My full share of a huge sundae went down no problem. This morning, I WAS hungry and I wanted eggs, bacon, an english muffin, a slice of cheese and milk. Got to work and wasn't the least bit tempted by the monkey bread. I've been reading in the IE book about an experiment where normal men were put on a strict diet for 6 weeks. After the diet, it took them a full 5 months to normalize their eating. IE is definitley working in that I'm thinking about food less, worrying less, and feeling much less compelled to eat the "good stuff" this, to the point where I'm surprised by how little I'm caring about food. On the other hand though--I seem to be reverting to the foods I grew up with--a very German diet, bread, cheese, meat with some fruits and veggies. Perhaps not the greatest diet in the world--although, when I was eating that diet I sure weighed a whole lot less! (Course I was a kid and it was the 1970's). I don't feel thinner. On the contrary, my thighs and bottom feel fat. I think, on the whole, I'm excited---this IS a little different from when I just "gave up" in Iowa. Then I slowly lost 20 lbs. This time, I'm willing to embrace nutrition and exercise--just not at the expense of what I really want. I still don't trust that I'm not engaging in major wishful thinking, but I sense that I'm on the right path and will learn something important here whatever the actual scale results.

Friday, August 17, 2012

507 TGI Fridays

Huh! I'm actually feeling a bit overburdened by food. I couldn't think where to go last night--I didn't want to wait until I was done grocery shopping, so I wound up at TGI Friday's on the thought that I never go there. Right. I never go there because so much of the stuff is either beer batter based, or jack daniels based. I found good things that weren't and it was good, but I still left feeling as though I had wasted time and money. Kudos to the staff though for being super nice.

This morning I threw away the chips and fries I had saved and just brought the 1/2 sandwich and the artichoke dip to work (I had my own home baked tortilla chips). TOO much dip. I feel heavy with fatty dip. for once, I'm not worried AT ALL about dinner tonight. If I want some, fine, if i don't, fine. I honestly don't care. Which is nice because this is the "last" night I have to have dinner without consulting anybody else's opinion--normally I'd treasure this.

I'll be SO glad when this month is over. I understand now the phrase "driven to drink." My family is SO difficult to deal with. Good thing I'm mormon, or I'd be out of control. A couple of weeks ago all I wanted was a glass of wine, even though I've never had wine in my life!! Well, I'm not about to start drinking now--or taking any other kind of meds, but for the first time I understand the temptation.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

506 wound up

I've spent the day all wound up--lots of little things that I can't control, but I think I'm winding down now thank goodness and can enjoy the evening. There's been something obvious that I've been meaning to bring up. One way or another, I have to say NO to SO MUCH FOOD!! When I was pregnant this drove me crazy. I didn't want food, I didn't need food, I would get sick if I ate food--and I still wanted it more than anything. I've improved a great deal since then, but I'm by no means out of the woods. It's going to be a real adjustment to eat so little. The other night I ordered some great indian food but didn't have time to eat it before RS. I literally ate about 4 bites before the meeting, and when I got back I didn't want any more. I ate it last night. I'm liking intuitive eating, because I'm beginning to do stuff like that,which is unusual, and I think steps in the right direction.

But I've still got such a long way to go! Tonight is a good example--I'm taking the night off (except for grocery shopping. Dave is still in London, Catherine is gone--I'm on my own. This screams to me---go out to eat--I can literally go anywhere and have anything I want. I can totally relax and do my favorite thing--eat. Except that....hurrah for IE--I don't feel quite so compelled tonight. I'll still eat out, but more because there's no food in the house than because I "have" to. I might even make my favorite--chocolate chip cookies, but at the moment at least, I'm not feeling inclined to have 10 of them. Truly, I just want a couple. I'll see how that actually goes.

But still... I like to eat! A very large (no pun intended) part of me doesn't want to give it up even if I don't want food. I love the sensation of sitting down to a really good and huge meal and then feeling free to eat it all! Although, even as I type that I can feel that it's not quite as true as it used to be. I love sitting down to dinner--but I care a little bit less whether or not it's huge. I wonder what I really want for dinner? A soup from Zupas--yes, but not their sandwich and I want more than just the soup. What would really hit the spot?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

504 a Better day

MUCH better day today, although I still didn't get enough sleep. NO idea if I've lost, gained, maintained or whatever but even though my thighs feel fat, I'm wearing a sweater for the first time because today it doesn't gap in the front.

I'm continuing to improve in that I'm not thinking about food nearly as much, and I think I'm paying a little bit better attention. For example, I brought some peanut butter cheerios for a snack. I don't know if it was the sugar or what, but I was hungrier when I finished them than when I started.

Actually, my food today hasn't been too far off of weight watchers--I had my favorite cream of wheat with blackberries for breakfast, and a wrap with olives for lunch with a yogurt and chips (I could have done with less chips). Someone brought sugar cookies to work, and I'd intended to have one after lunch, but they're all gone and I find that I don't much care if they are. This is partly because I have chocolate chip fiber one bars and junior mints here, but even still, it's nice not to be obsessed with the cookies.

Monday, August 13, 2012

503 Monday

Ugh! It's a Monday and a half. I don't feel as if I got back to sleep after I got up to go to the bathroom and then work has been a string of upset people. I'm just glad that I dont work at the DMV. At least I'm not eating over it. I had my two orange rolls for breakfast, a little popcorn for a snack and the leftover steak dinner for lunch. I just got some gum and some jr. mints, but more because I feel as though I have bad breath than for any foodie reason. Oh well, the day will be over soon. I'm meeting up with Jane to walk the track after work, and if I REALLY feel ambitious I'll mow the lawn. What I really need is a nap, but getting out of the office to hang posters will probably do almost as well. Part of me wants to think about dinner, but the bigger part is just too tired to care. I'm calling that progress. :)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

502 better

I think I did a little better today, overall. I didn't eat breakfast---I DON'T like this business of overeating and then skipping meals. THAT isn't good. But I wasn't hungry. I took a 100 cal pack of cookies to church (blech--really bad chocolate. I'll have see if they were just old, or if they've always been that bad). After church, I still wasn't particuarly hungry (this not being hungry is a welcome switch from weight watchers!)--but I didn't want to wait till I was frantically starving. What I really wanted were some veggies. So I cut up some red and green peppers--didn't want dressing at all, and had them with a few olives (actually, I don't think I wanted those particuarly either) and some crackers with stilton and a little cheddar cheese. I made the orange rolls from a can that I had intended for breakfast and had one with some milk. I'm looking forward to a few for breakfast tomorrow.

Dinner was definitley a success. Not starving, but I put in two small potatoes, then fried up my steak with onions and some beans I picked today from the garden and had it with a little sourdough bread. Realized half-way through that I was done--so I packed up the remainder for lunch tomorrow. Ate the rest of the cheesecake and wished there was more. I was listening to a book on tape and it was probably a mistake to remain in the kitchen. I had a glass of chocolate milk, and made some popcorn with olive oil for work tomorrow--but ate quite a bit of it--it goes so well with the chocolate milk. :)

My back is feeling much better. My weird body seems to respond better to exercise than rest. I walked to church and later took a short walk also. Tomorrow I'll walk to work and see how I do.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

501 BIG intuitive

I tried to eat intuitively last night and today, but I dunno----I still think I'm waaaaaaay overeating. Last night I went to SLC. I wasn't hungry but still was thinking of dinner. I decided to wait, and in the end skipped it altogether. No problem I think--I'd eaten a plenty big lunch (non-intuitive, I wasn't hungry). I think my hunger signals are a little off. I wasn't hungry for breakfast particularly, but I could feel that I was empty and I wanted something even though I didn't feel hungry in the sense that I recognize it, so I ate the apple and granola bar that I brought. I little later I ate the 100 cal cheese nips. I had gotten up early to work and I WAS hungry at 10:30. Early for lunch, but I could tell I was hungry and my energy was flagging. I went to crown burger and ordered the single souvlaki dinner--something I've never ordered before because the idea of just one skewer of meat always seemed too tiny to fill me up. Actually, it came with a pita, AND fries AND salad. It was plenty. As it turned out I didn't go to the cheesecake factory for dinner after all. I was just too tired and grungy. I got a slice of white chocolate macadamia nut carmel cheesecake, which is every bit as delicious as it sounds, and took it home. I must say I spent a lot of money on luxury food today. I got the cheesecake--then I got an order of boneless buffalo wings. I put this in the fridge and decided to do some stuff around the house before dinner. I mopped the floor, then went to Smiths where I also bought--a beef stick, fancy olives, a piece of English stilton cheese, a tube of orange rolls, a steak for tomorrow's dinner, some Doritos and milk. $30 for that! I don't know when I've paid so much and come home with so little. It was EXACTLY the dinner I wanted though. I wish I could say that it didn't take much to fill me up, but it did. Which is frustrating, because I didn't feel all that outwardly hungry for dinner. Still, I felt like my body needed some food besides the fact that I really was excited about all the delicious things I bought. I ate almost all the buffalo wings (which I happen to know are about 1000 cal all by themselves, many slices of beef stick with mustard, 2 big slices of sourdough bread with lots of I can't believe it's not butter, fresh grape tomatoes from the garden, watermelon and some of the Stilton, which is just a really rich blue cheese. For dessert I had most of the cheesecake. I'd like to say that I needed all that food because I was working all day packing up Mom's house, but the truth is that it wasn't very demanding physically--other than that I did do a lot of standing. I was very careful of my back and so mostly just moved slowly and put things in boxes which I left standing where they were. I never once broke a sweat. A couple of good things---I realized that I didn't want the olives or the Doritos with dinner today. Also, I realized that I was thinking far too much about where I was going to have dinner. So I kept reminding myself that I could just do what I felt like when I was ready, because today was not a special "blow out" occasion. I could eat at any restaurant at any time this week while Dave's gone, and after he comes back I can STILL eat anything or go anywhere--so relax already!

Friday, August 10, 2012

499 Really full

Uh boy. I was spot on yesterday. Feeling too full doesn't stop me AT ALL from eating more. If I had been left to myself, I wouldn't have eaten dinner at all or would have eaten very lightly. Instead I went to my sister's house where I discovered that she is a great cook and likes to make Greek food. My favorite! Besides the professional gyro and salad, she made a spinach pie absolutely drenched in butter and fantastic. I had two big pieces of that.

I am determined not to react to this by going on a diet. I want my mind to settle down--to realize that the food is always there and then to let go. I'm re-reading IE and last nights read was about eating out of rebellion. I know ALL about that. I think there is a very real ugly little part of me that eats out of a purely "to hell with you" attitude toward society.

I can work with this. I can improve my level of forgiveness towards myself and others. After all, I like beautiful people too! I love the Olympics partly because it's so neat to see such levels of physical perfection. I like beauty in all its manifestations--physically, spiritually or mentally. I can whole heartedly work on improving my beautiful, miraculous body without resentment, in the same way that I can improve my skills to make music on the beautiful harp. I'll likely never be world-class in either area, but does it matter? I've always known I'm more of a "renaissance" person. I prefer to work in many areas at once. At the end of the day I'll have a pretty good body as well as quite the collection of talent--perhaps none developed to world class level yet, but taken as a whole--I can easily become a world class person.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

498 Full

Scary Scary!!! I'm too full and I feel fat. Why did I eat all that lunch? I wasn't really hungry for it. I could have eaten 1/2 of it if at all--but I didn't. I ate the whole thing. The only good thing is that I'm honestly not liking this feeling of feeling too full. That's a change--usually I love this feeling--but today I don't. At all. The thing I'm afraid of is that I don't dislike the feeling enough to want to prevent feeling it again. I can easily see myself for the next few years consistently overeating and each and every time saying , "yep--overdid it again. Don't like that."

Maybe my committment just needs to be as simple as every morning saying that I'm not on a diet and I'm going to enjoy everything. And then before I eat ANYTHING just ask myself am I going to enjoy this or not?

I'm also frustrated that I can't excercise just now because of my back. Patience is NOT my best virture.

I want to comment on an insightful comment on yesterday's post. I said that the Lord probably wishes I'd quit wasting so much energy on this and just get out there and do my visiting teaching. Here's Stephonie's response.

I think He does care because He is aware of us and He is aware of our concerns. When we are overweight what do we focus on? Our weight. What do we worry about? Our weight and what other people think about us. When we are overweight are we able to fulfill our callings as wife, mom, and church member to the best of our abilities? I can only speak for myself but my weight inhibits every single aspect of my life. Does the Lord love me at the weight that I am? Absolutely! Will he love me any more if I loose weight? Nope. I will be just as important to him if I weigh 1000 lbs or 165. Since weight is such a huge concern to me I know that He is aware of my concerns and they are important to him.

She's right of course. Weight impacts EVERY area of my life--no question, and for that reason it's worth spending whatever energy it takes to resolve this issue in my life. However, I still resent that society makes weight such a big deal. But when I look at my life and the flaws that I'd like to correct--like a tendency to procrastinate and a tendency to underachieve to name just two flaws. I'm sure if I gave the attention to either of these that I do to weight--I'd find that these flaws also impact every single aspect of my life and that correcting them would be just as comprehensive as correcting overeating. If society were comprised of rational beings wouldn't we all be working on different things? Over the office water cooler wouldn't someone be talking about one issue and another about another issue? But no. Every New Year's Day everyone ignores every flaw, except one and goes on a diet.

It makes me angry that I've been overlooked and underestimated my whole life simply because I'm overweight. And boy, oh boy-am I not alone. I know so many fabulous people that have battled through challenges that would make any soldier cry for his mommy, and in the stress of many moments they have overeaten, and that seems to be ALL that anybody sees or values.

Oh well. I like the movie Shallow Hal. It's about a completely shallow guy who falls under a spell so he can only see people based on their inner-beauty. He falls in love with a girl who is huge, but he thinks she's a supermodel. He learns a few things in the end. I like that in the next life we will be valued for who and what we really are.

In the meantime though. I'm not supposed to be comparing myself with others--and I'm certainly not supposed to be envious of them or worry about what the world thinks I'm worth. I only need to work on being better than I am today. If I could only REMEMBER that I think I could let go of the weight more easily. Thanks for the reminder Steph!