I'm also thinking of experiementing with combining weightwatchers and intuitive eating. Because of weight watchers, I've become accustomed to eating just one pancake on Sunday mornings. It's enough. Of course I could eat a whole stack, but one is really enough and I did it for long enough on WW that I actually have some "pancake" brakes. A good thing! In general, breakfasts are ok, although I've been slipping upwards. No way I want to go back to WW--but I was thinking I might aim for 10 point lunches. I will also pack extra in case I'm still hungry--it's not so much that I want to count and measure, but I was usually pretty much ok with lunches and I'd like to not slip up and accidently be eating 40-50 point lunches soley out of carelessness. I'm still going to eat what I like, and if I'm hungry, I'll eat what it takes--I just want to be a bit more mindful. When I feel comfortable that lunches are in order, then I'll begin to very slowly tackle dinner.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The other thing I'm working on is finishing the Iron-Man. EEEP!! 3 miles a day run and still 33 miles bike by Friday. My legs are still a bit wonky, so I compromised yesterday by a brisk walk to the library. Thanks to my new phone I know that walk was 4.79 miles. A bit more than I bargained for--and in the dark to boot. Walking in the dark is foolish--so I'm making yet another compromise and counting my walk to and from work--which I really don't like doing, because the whole point of the lazy man is to do more than I normally would. Oh well. I'm considering this as an exercise in letting go of perfectionism. And I HAVE done a more exercising than I would have otherwise, so its all good. :)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Today I learned that I don't like to eat more than I like to eat. I ate to fullness--as I usually do, and then I ate more because it was Thanksgiving and there were 12 pies! When we came home I had some turkey sandwiches, again because it was Thanksgiving and I had just a slight amount of room to stuff something more in. It actually wasn't fun to eat them. I think this might be an important discovery.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
This morning I was all excited about cooking things for thanksgiving, and even though my stomach was rumbling, I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't really--I nibbled oyster crackers, and sampled the cheese ball. Eventually, I did eat a banana because I figured I ought to have something healthy before trying to run 3 miles. It was a good thought, but not enough. That was the worst three miles! It was a beautiful day, so I drove up to Beuss pond with the idea of running around the pond. I stretched adn everything. First glitch was that runkeeper somehow turned off after 22 seconds and it took me awhile to figure it out. Then Catherine called so I walked a bit while talking to her. I figure that covered at least one mile--so the idea was then to run 2 more and call it good. Phew! NO gaa in my tank. It was super hard. I eventually just started, running one song and walking the next. My average was something like 18 minutes per mile! I'm guessing that the lack of food and water must have had an impact here. Tomorrow, if the weather's nice, I want to try again--only this time after a bowl of oatmeal or something. If I can detect a connection, it will be really good for me. It's so difficult for me to sense that food whether good or bad is affecting me in any immediate way at all. After all, I feel fine and have perfectly good energy for cooking. Just not for running apparently.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tonight I make bread and pie crust and tomorrow I cook for Thanksgiving. I love this day of thankfulness. And this year I really am thankful for blessings other than the huge pig out. The food is nice, but the death grip is slowly slowly slowly loosening.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
I go off and binge when occasions present themselves instead. :) Which is frequent. Last night we saw the last of the Twilight Movies. I'm not a huge fan, but I think the series is fun. On these occasions we have serious movie food. But last night might mark a real reduction in future movie food. That was one of the worst sandwiches I've ever had. Unfortunatley the fried potato things they do were still terrific, as was the shake and the popcorn. For not being very hungry at the time, I still put away plenty.
This morning though I wasn't hungry at all so I didn't eat even though I did have some big exercise planned for the lazy man. It was a beautiful fall day, so a ran a 5K first thing. I'm so slow, but you know what? It was still a little under Disney marathon required time (16 min mile--I'm not kidding when I say I'm slow). This 5 K route is a really good one for practice because it has quite a bit of uphill both steep and gentle. I downloaded "Run Keeper" on my phone and love it. Not only does it track while I'm running, but sends me emails about my workout and any personal records I may have broken, and I broke a bunch today! Great fun. Tonight I downloaded more songs to keep me company. After the 5K, I had a snack, and then about an hour later went to the gym and swam 21 laps for the iron man. For me, this is huge exercise. I like that mentally I didn't tie it to some kind of weird repentance for my movie night. I'm simply trying to reach an exercise goal.
I'm glad for the swimming part of the iron-man this time. I detested swimming in high school, because I was so poor at it, and always under pressure to go faster than I really could go. I didn't like swimming for the last iron-man because it was so hard on my eyes. This time has been better. My co-worker said she's rediscovered swimming and found it soothing. Mostly, I find it boring, but with my new good googles, I'm actually enjoying it a little. It IS soothing. Nobody's working me out. There's no peer pressure or inferiority--I just go at the pace that's comfortable for me. I can tell my body really likes the movements and lack of impact. I don't know if I'd ever become a regular swimmer, but I think it's moved into the "possible" category. I might throw it in now and again for variety in the future, and if I'm having knee troubles, it will occur to me now to at least consider swimming.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I'm thinking on paper here---I like definite goals and charts and planning things out--I get excited about programs like the Lazy Man, but I get frustrated when programs cause me any real inconvenience or change I'm not ready for. I also get bored with things easily. I also like a sense of randomness. I wonder if I could think up a number of healthy behaviors--each designed to cover just one week--like veggie week--every day the focus would be to eat at least 5 veggies. I could even scary ones like "low fat week" "two exercise a day week." I wonder if there could be much variety there--off-hand the things I'm thinking of most are deprivation kind of things like--low cheese week, or no sugar week, or ....well!! Let me just start listing and see what I come up with!
1: Jillian week--one Jillian workout per day (6 days)
2: Low carb week
3: Double exercise week
4: Yoga week
5: spa and facial week
6: Veggie week---at least 5 servings per day.
7: Nothing processed week
8: Fancy cheese week
9: Fancy dessert week---the idea to make something I wouldn't normally--thus lessening the "specialness" of it.
10: High Protien week.
11: No distracted eating week--a tough one! No reading!
12: Smoothie week--I don't normally eat smoothies, maybe a good habit to start.
13: Nibble week--little meals all day long
14: Swim week
15: Stretch week
16: One dessert a day week (I usually have much more)
17: Healthy choice at a restaurant week
18: weight watchers week--it's good portion control practice
19: Snack week--make at least four new good snacks
20: Morning work out week
21: 1800 cal week
22: Diabetic week
23: Vegetarian week.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Well, isn't that what I want? Somehow I've simply got to practice smaller servings or I'll never accept that a smaller serving is ok. And I'm not saying just eat 1/2! Far from it! Eat 1/2 and then continue eating whatever I need so I'm not hungry anymore is what I'm saying. I want to catch those times when I'm genuinely done with food, but maybe am not recognizing that I'm done. I just want to put a pause in my behavior. That's not too scary is it? Apparently it is! Sheesh!!!!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Anyway, yesterday ran away with me. It was a Christmas card perfect snowy Saturday--just right for going to a craft fair, which we did in the morning. Thanks to the iron-man I then went and swam 21 laps. LAST thing on earth I wanted to do--so kudos to ideas like the lazy man, it really helps. I did get some decent goggles this time. I might have worn them a bit too tight, but they really worked. My eyes feel fine. It made all the difference, and I was pleasantly surprised at how good the swim felt. Dave wanted to take the train to SLC in the evening and do some shopping at the Gateway, but I found out the Christmas Expo was going on at the expo center, so we made a last minute decision to see that instead. It was great fun! We took the train and the trax and started our Christmas shopping there. They really have some fabulous booths, including plenty of booths that offer free samples. We had LOTS of free samples. There were a few I passed up--like the bundt cake samples. Not that I don't like cake, I do, but for whatever reason I didn't really want it. Okay. that's good IE behavior, but I honestly don't know what to do about the other 30 or so samples that I honestly DID want but that were still far too much for me to be eating.
When we came out to go home it was a white out! It was fun and romantic to gasp our way to the train station. It took forever to get home, but it was ok because while we were waiting we were following Catherine as she ran the Disneyworld half marathon. She did great and finished! I was pretty worried, she hadn't trained, her hip has been bothering her, and after she finished running around theme parks with us, my sister came down and she ran around with her. This was a night marathon and she spent the day at Universal Studios going on rides and eating theme park food. Difficult to think of a worse way to prepare, but she pulled it off and I'm super proud of her.
Friday, November 9, 2012
The first snowy day that I've seen this year, that means indoor bike tonight I think.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Phone-wise. I resisted the idea of cell phones as long as I could. I still don't like being connected all the time. But since I've EXTREMELY picky about who gets my cell number it hasn't been bad. Still, for the past 4 years that we've had phones, Dave and I have had the cheapest, clunkiest models available. It's been good enough. This time, we decided to for once get something nice and boy is it nice!! It's going to take me some time to learn the ropes, but I've already downloaded a runners app and some songs. I bought an armband with the phone so I could work out and listen to books and music. I'm so excited!!! Yesterday was my first trial run (literally), I've only downloaded three songs, but I got the runners app working AND listened to music while I was running. The app is great! It told me how far I'd gone and what my pace was. This is so freeing--I'm no longer stuck just running the route I know or running on the weber treadmill to know how far I've gone. I can just go anywhere! It was wonderful to listen to music too.
This is not to say that all is pie in the sky. I was thinking as I ran about the power of negative voices. I WAS going extremely slowly and it was difficult not to be discouraged about that. However, the areas around my house have a lot of uphill stuff--very gentle uphill, but it's hard for me just the same. Amazing how hard it is not to focus on being slow and fat and instead focus on the joy of being out there at all.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
More on the benefits of having a real phone tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Just before we left, I came across a picture--that I'll post if I ever find it, of a huge woman gnawing on a big (32oz) brick of cheese as she watched some event. I printed it out because I have trouble making the connection between my actions and the consequences when it comes to food. But this picture makes sense to me. Much as I love cheese, I simply do not engage in that behavior, and wallah!! I'm much thinner and healthier than that poor woman. Ergo--if I change my current behaviors, I will be thinner and healthier than I am now. By way of change--I have a new motto:
Worry less and do more.
Just that simple. Worry A LOT less about my weight, but everyday DO more things that are good for my body. Say "yes" to as many good things as I can--fruits, veggies, water, sleep, exercise, Say "no" to as many things as I can that don't do my body good--junk food, huge portions. The key is "as many things I can" sometimes, emotionally I really can't seem to say no to the goodie, and that's fine. This is just a ramped up version of what I did when I gave up altogether in Iowa--back then, my only idea was not to go out of my way to do things that would make me gain a ton of weight. It was intuitive eating in it's most basic unconscious form, and it worked--I lost 20 pounds in 5 years. "Worry Less DO More" feels different. This time I'm seeking out as many things as possible that will help me.
In a similar vein, I've been thinking about a college experience. I lived in the German house and we took turns cooking with the men's house feeding about 20 people. One night I was on dish duty and I was scrubbing as with all my might on some burnt on spot with no success. The guy I was working with stopped me and said--don't scrub so hard--just wash it gently--sure enough, he got the pot clean with no problem. I think weight might be the same principle---weight watchers for me is the equivalent of scrubbing with all my might. I think I need a much gentler approach. The old story of the contest between the wind and the sun to see who could make the man remove his coat first, also comes to mind. The cold wind blew with all his might and the man just held his coat tighter and tighter. But the sun shone gently and eventually the man took his coat off.
I know for sure that weight watchers makes me want to clutch at my old habits tighter and makes me wish for big portions of rich food. I think IE and the Worry Less DO More idea will be much like the sun--allowing me to release resentment, fear and all the other things that cause me to maintain a heavy weight.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I'll do what I can while I'm on vacation--TOMORROW!!! But I'm not too worried about it. This is a precious time--literally the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I know I will eat fruits and veggies as much as I can because I'll needing energy--but I'm simply not going to worry about it and I will keep up the process when I get back. See you in 10 days!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Exercise is coming along nicely though. After Disneyworld, the idea will not only be to exercise but to improve. Today, Dave and I walked the color vibe 5K. For once, I would have gone faster, but he was being super careful not to do anything to his hip before our vacation. I had a BLAST!!! I want to do this next year and I have to do it with Catherine someday. Pretty much everyone wore white shirts and at different stations volunteers threw bright colors at us! It was so much fun!! At the end of the race we were all given our own bag of color and there was music playing and everyone was dancing and throwing colors. It was the BEST party I've ever been to!! I want to be healthy so I can always do stuff like this! Disneyworld will be plenty of exercise, and in November I've invited my co-workers to do the Lazy man iron-man with me. Somehow I've got to come up with a plan that marries IE with some kind of good sense! MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Today--nope! I didn't feel like that at all!!!! If I want trail mix and oj for a snack--FINE!! I can have it! The truth is that I probably won't want it as often as he does, because I am a smaller person. And actually today was a great example--I've been eating from a big bag of nuts that I got at the airport and so his snack didn't sound appealing at all. My grandmother was 4 foot 8, I naturally want to, and should eat more than she did. Someone who is 6 feel will naturally eat more than me, and someone who is 7 feet will eat more than him. I eat a great deal more than my cat and a great deal less than an elephant. It really doesn't matter and all creatures big and small will feel happy with the food they need--so long as they actually GET the food they need are free from jealousy that they aren't eating what the other guy has. Truly, the hummingbird doesn't want the lion's kill. And truly, I really don't want TWO cheeseburgers and a pound of fries that the linebacker might want. It's a liberating thought. If I actually did want it I could have it, but truly I don't think I really would want it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Food-wise, I was proud yesterday that by the time dinner was ready, I realized that I wasn't really all that hungry and stopped after eating about 1/3 of it. Good job!!! Today, I'm wondering if it was less that I've learned anything and more that I'm a little sick. But it doesn't matter! I could have eaten it all and sick or not, I recognized that I didn't want to and that's good behavior! Today at work someone brought moist pumpkin bars. I didn't really want one, but I did want a taste--I took a sliver off of one and satisfied that craving.
Boy, I really am a little tired. There is exciting Disney stuff to be done and it is sounding burdensome rather than exicting. I'm also irritated that I've just had a non-intuitive piece of cheese. It's okay! It's comfort food and I guess I'm in need of comfort today. It might also be a reaction to the thought I had yesterday that I'm actually eating far less cheese now than I did on weight watchers! How about that?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I love my walks to work, and I love to be active in general--going to Nashville showed me that my activity level is easily on par if not better than other skinnier women.
Yesterday I really wanted my healthy dinner of portobello mushrooms and watermelon. I didn't want dessert.
Today, I loved my breakfast of an eggwhite omelete with spinach and jalapeno and a laughing cow cheese, 2 slices of bacon, 2 slices of light toast and chocolate milk. I also loved my lunch of melted cheese on homemade wheat bread and a cabbage salad. I'm looking forward to a healthy dinner too---a new Hungry Girl receipe.
--I had a few setbacks---too many choc covered peanuts, and a little too much of the dessert bread somebody brought---but although I opened my pop-tart crisps, I discovered I didn't want them and put them back. Also yesterday, I had a lot of flame doritos, but looking back, I ate a really normal to small amount of them. I also said no to buying the Halloween Oreos--that one took a little will-power, but only a little--they're expensive, we didn't need them and I'll get them when we come back for Halloween. That didn't feel like a diet decision--more of a life decision.
Also, I acted on the thought to call my sister. Much better to just do it than to avoid it. I getting much better at facing avoidant behaviors. My instinct is still to run, but I am slowly improving.
So the verdice is YES!! I am far from a hopeless case!!!! Take that subconscious negative voice!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Oh WOW WOW WOW!! I'm just back from the Nashville conference. If you ever get the chance stay at the Gaylord Opryland. I won't even try to describe it--other than to say it includes an indoor boat ride through the hotel. Go look it up and book your vacation--completely mindblowing.
Food-wise--all I can say is that I HOPE I'm moving through the IE process. We left on Wednesday and yes, on Sunday at the airport when everyone else ordered Wendy's, I went to the other deli and ordered the fruit and cheese tray and some pretzels and hummus and an 80 cal mango shake. VERY intuitive. I was junkfood and sugared OUT. (I say was because that was yesterday---today I'm perfectly ready to indulge again. The problem is that it take SOOO MUCH food to get me to that point! And even if I know I'm not eating intuitively, I usually can't stop so it doesn't seem to have any practical value. Case in point--went to the Grand ol Opry. We didn't have time to eat before we went, so we were stuck with concession food junk---beside, this was the Opry--my mind yells that this is a golden chance to splurge---Must say IE is helping with this--I did realize that it wasn't a splurge so much as just another night of eating what I wanted---Anyway, they had tempting bags of garlic-parmesan popcorn. I bought one. Blech. Did they pop it last week?? I think before IE I would have eaten it anyway. I had ZERO trouble not eating it and throwing the bag away after the program even though it was a waste of $4. I was able to see that whether or not I ate the popcorn, I would still have wasted $4. Good right? Yes!!! I ordered the hotdog and big pretzel I wanted instead. I knew I was more than done with the pretzel by the time I was 1/3 through. Did I stop? NO way! I ate the whole thing AND I ate the horrible cheese sauce it came with. Here's another IE moment--the vast conference dessert bar. I had exactly what I wanted--fruit, a cheery tart, a brownie tart, a "shot" of key lime pie, some other desserts I can't even remember and a flan--the flan was great--served plain in little bowls, you could then go to the topping bar--where i topped it with caramel, a heap of candied walnuts, dark chocolate shavings, real whipped cream and a cherry. True, I didn't touch the bananas flambe, the ice-cream or the peach cobbler, and I didn't have seconds on the other desserts--but it's hard to see virtue in that when I "intuitively" went back for TWO more bowls of loaded flan. I'd love to call this progress--but I don't know. With stuff like this I've always been at least somewhat intuitive, and maybe that's why I don't weight 400 pounds, but it's going to be hard to get to goal weight stuffing myself with flan and pretzels. Worse, one day I wasn't even hungry--but it was a chance to get away to eat at the opryland backstage grill. I had buffalo wings and fried green tomatoes--fantastic!! It was the best food of the whole conference. I wasn't hungry, but I'm glad I ate it. What on earth is my poor brain supposed to do with that????
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
One thing that's becoming hugley apparent to me is that I'm massively suseptible to my surroundings and occasions. I don't know what to do with myself this month--I'm leaving for Nashville in the morning, and then to Disney World (WOW!!!) on the 17th. Both food disasters--Disney especially--it's the food and wine festival. But other than that, I think I want to try to manage my surroundings better, because as you'll read here, I really can't handle being near food.
Friday was my Dad's birthday and Lisa made a pampered chef concoction to DIE for! in a 9x7 ish pan--the first layer is chocolate chip cookie dough, next layer reeses peanut butter cups, top layer carmel truffle brownie mix. Bake. It was EXACTLY what I wanted. I had two pieces and asked for more to take home. I did well with the cake at home. I didn't have any on Saturday after the marathon, because I didn't want any. On Sunday, I took my great big piece out to eat, but only had 1/2 of it. The reason I stopped was because the dessert was soooo good, and I could tell that I wasn't tasting it or enjoying quite as much as I was at first--it was too good to not enjoy it to the full, so I stopped to save it for another time. PERFECT intuitive eating behavior.
Yesterday I went to the first of 3 intuitive eating classes here. The instructor was pregnant and it inspired a new thought. One of my fears with IE is that I won't be able to do it because I had SUCH a hard time with it when I was pregnant. At the time I wasn't on IE or anything particular--but my pregnant body shut down and refused to eat fat, sugars or salt. I lost a ton of weight without dieting---on the contrary, I was trying to eat as much as I could manage so as not to starve the baby. The fear comes from my memory of being so frustrated that I couldn't eat!! I especially remember going to a fabulous rib place--I knew the food was great, it was also out of our normal budget so it was a special treat and....I just couldn't eat it. I think I ordered an english muffin (dry). I felt left out and that I was missing out!! I wanted BBQ ribs and I could have had them, but my body just didn't want them.
Okay. HOW on earth am I going to live IE when I so deeply resent saying no to food EVEN when I don't want it???!!! Yesterday, at the class, it occured to me for the first time to challenge my memory of being pregnant. Yes, I was frustrated at the rib place--but that is the ONLY specific frustration memory I have! Looking back, I wonder if in reality I was ok with what I was eating most of the time and if the frustrating times were just once in a while?!!! On IE--that would be just fine! If most of the time I'm eating according to need, and then have the occasional rib blow-out--fine!!
I was excited about this new thought. Which makes my behavior last night disappointing. We forgot to buy meat so we went to Zuppa's where I ate past fullness--though I was excited that the soup and sandwich got me past fullness. That wouldn't have been horrible, but Dave took me for a surprise trip to subzero ice-cream. I didn't want ice-cream at all, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings either. No prob--I ordered the smallest possible with the idea that I would nibble and take it home. Even the kid's size portion is enormous AND there was a special so everything came in a waffle bowl. I nibbled as planned, until I discovered that sub-zero waffle bowls are GOOD--normally I don't even like waffle bowls. In the end I nibbled my way through all of the ice-cream and most of the bowl. sigh.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
IE continues very slowly. I took some crackers to work the other day and noticed that I only taken 8 or 9. On WW I would always have taken the max of 13 and you can bet I would have eaten every bit. Last night I wasn't very hungry for dinner, and in consequence ate a small amount of spaghetti. There are still too many other meals where I way more than I should, but slowly slowly slowly I think I'm beginning to let go just a little bit.
I'm still trying to be reasonably healthy too. Today I brought both carrots and chips and cheese to work. I made sure I ate the carrots. Later this afternoon, IF I want them, I'll eat the chips and cheese. Thighs still feel fat, but my weight seems to be holding steady.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
And now a word about olive oil. I'm trying an experiment. On weight watchers youre supposed to have 2 tsp of healthy oil every day. I never did that figuring I usually had more than enough fats in my diet healthy and otherwise. Well, while I was on WW I begin to experience overactive bladder. These symptoms seemed to ease up whenever I was off plan. It's been much better with IE, but not back to normal--especially if there's ever a time when I eat lightly. I have no idea if a lack of healthy fat can trigger an overactive bladder--and I still maintain that I eat more than enough fats--but I'm trying the ww suggestion of making sure I have 2 tsp of healthy oil a day--usually in the form of olive oil that I eat with bread. Too early to tell if it makes a difference. I sure hope so. It would be an easy and pleasant fix.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
One of the problems with exploring the roots of an addiction is that it's so embarrassing!!!Can I really be so shallow and silly and faithless?? Apparently I can and it's a horrible thought!! So---today I haven't been honoring my fullness very well at all. What's wrong? I'm honestly not sure, but here's what I think it might be, sad to say!
I distrust happiness! Yesterday, for possibly the first time in my life, I got news of my family that wasn't awful. Dad is doing better! He feels encouraged and happy. Lisa seems pleased with my efforts. The Sherlocks are doing wonders with Mom's house. We can celebrate Dad's birthday on the day leaving me my weekend free to run the half-marathon. I've been planning our Disneyworld trip. I did offer up what is perhaps the most shallow prayer of my life a while ago--asking God that if it's possible, I would really like this Disneyworld trip to be a good one--that I could go free of feeling burdened with my family. I'd also like good health and stamina. And I feel as though my prayer will be answered! So what's the problem? I think I have my heart set too much on this trip. I've wanted to go to Disneyworld my whole life, thanks to Catherine's discount, we can really do this trip right. It's 10 1/2 days of pure Disney bliss. I think I might be overeating today out of some subliminal worry that something is going to happen to mess this up. My family will blow up emotionally, or someone will die, or one of us will get sick, or my knee will go out. Good grief!!! I have ZERO control over any of that (except maybe getting sick, and I can only do my best there). I have been blessed and helped over and over and over and over again. Surely I can trust that God will help me with this trip. If something does go wrong--well, so be it. I can also trust that God had a good reason for that too. But really, I think I need to remember the famous serenity prayer. Also, just take one day at a time. Today. A good day!! The weather is beautiful and I can work on my Halloween costume when I get home. Work is good. There is plenty of joy to be had today--not just next month when it's time for the trip. I think I feel a little bit better for having written this out. :)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
IE doesn't say to go on an eating free for all. It says that I am the boss and the only one who can when I'm full or what I want. However, here's the sad bottom line-
I am almost always going to be full physcially BEFORE I am done eating emotionally.
That means that even with IE I am going to WANT more food than I get. And that might feel like a diet. At least until that magical time when I can adjust.
That means that if I'm eating when I'm full that I AM OFF PLAN!! There IS a plan. And if I don't want to blow up like a balloon and go diabetic, I need to start paying aattention. Or--to put a more positive spin on things---if I want to be healthy, feel great, live longer, live better and feel good about myself, I need to start paying attention.
How will this look in real life? I'll eat breakfast and also other meals even if I'm not particuarly hungry if it's not realistic to eat them later. I'll do my best to make sure that the main parts of the meal are healthy so that I'm doing the actually filling up with healthy foods. Desserts and the like are fine but in moderation--basic grandma rules---she wouldn't approve of just cookies for dinner. There are no "special occasions" because I can eat whatever I want any day. But Christmas, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving the day after Thanksgiving, my birthday are free for alls. Vacations aren't exactly total free-for alls, but I refuse to worry about food.
That's the basic idea. It's going to take a whole lot of work to wrap my mind around STOPPING when I need to, and also not freaking out about success. And not freaking out if I know I'm eating lightly. It's okay to eat lightly! A salad with light dressing is fine, even if it only has 50 calories, if that's all I want, then it's FINE. Likely, I'll want more than that, or more than that very soon and that's FINE.
Today I had cream of wheat with blueberries. I was hungry so I had a snack of an apple and some nuts. Lunch is homemade clam chowder with--and here's where it's tricky---some little bread rounds and hummus or crakers and cheeseball--but SMALL portions. Dinner is either mexican or pizza--again SMALL portions. If I'm still hungry I can have another portion OR go home and have something healthy to top off with. Challenging but good. I'm going to resume reading the losingweighteveryday blog. I haven't been reading it because he's on such a restrictive diet that is counter to what IE practices. BUT--he's enormously positive and his message is less about his exact plan than it is to make up your mind to succeed and suceed. I need that. Tomorrow should be good as well. I'm walking 6 miles. This isn't to punish myself for being fat, but to prepare myself for the half-marathon in 15 days (YIKES!).
I also need to track here what I'm doing and how it's going.
OKAY! Better days ahead!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Dave and I ran/walked the stake 5K today and I took 2nd place in my age division! (I strongly suspect that there might have only been 2 of us in that division the 46-50 group, but since I don't actually KNOW that, I think I'll go ahead and assume that there were at least 20 of us. My time was 43:09--hardly lightning speed, but I did manage to beat a few toddlers and geriatrics. But what's really encouraging is that that time is good enough for the Disneyland half-marathon which requires a 17 minute mile. This time was well below that, but keeping it up for 13 miles is another matter.
A couple good IE things today--although, as usual, I'm still eating far too much fat and sweets. The free breakfast after the race was pretty bad. I ate the banana and apple juice, but managed to throw away at least 1 of the little scone nuggets that was dry and served without syrup. After the race, I went to the library and shopping for material for a Halloween costume. I wasn't hungry when I left, but was suddenly starving 5 minutes later. I had a biscotti at the library. I knew the fabric store would take some time, and I considered stopping somewhere for lunch, but what I really wanted was a grilled reuben sandwich at home. So I made sure I got it. Later, there was the opening picnic for Dave. I ate too many crackers with salami and cheese, but otherwise looking back on it, I ate pretty reasonably--had a little of everything I wanted--realized I didn't want a full blown burger and just ate the meat. And just ate one brownie for dessert---I wasn't interested in the cookies or rice krispie treats. Actually, I wasn't all that interested in the brownie either--I should have stopped a minute to think through what I really wanted (homemade ice-cream). I wound up having a little ice-cream too later on.
All in all, I imagine today probably kept my weight at status-quo. Ok. Actually, I'd be thrilled to find out thats actually the case--then I'd know I'd either be keeping it here or heading downward.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Sigh. Breakfast was perfect and perfectly filling---cream of wheat with blueberries. No temptation to have extra milk because I knew I could and I was fine. I got to attend a special lunch with the WSU pres today. They served potato bar. I'm not a big fan of potato bars. Neither the cheese sauce or the chili appealed to me, and the dressing they had for the salad was ranch. Blah. I skipped the roll and butter adn the chili, put a little cheese sauce on the brocolli. BUT I had two of the dessert bars on the vague ground that I really wanted them. I'm hungry again now which is good.
I guess the thing to really accept with IE is to find out WHERE I REALLY AM. And I'm scared to death that where I really am is over 200 lbs. But I feel like my weight with ww was artificially low--I had to fight and sweat and strain to get there and it never felt natural. At least if I'm where I really am both in habits and the weight that those habits bring me I can move down for real and really maintain the loss. This is how I lost the original 20--but my goodness was it slow!!!! I can be content (sort of) with slow, but not stopped. And I can tell the weight I've gained has gone to my thighs. What has changed since Iowa? I'm willing to exercise more--I walk 1/2 marathons now and enjoy 5K's. I have many more healthy receipes. But I haven't lost the desire to eat huge portions (though I did leave some potato behind), or to eat super high fat restaurant foods.
Maybe a little good old-fashioned nutritional advice might help. WHY is a big plate of greasy nachos bad for me? How exactly does my body deal with a load of fat and sugars and carbs like that? Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be quite as eager to indulge. I think I'll check out the book "You on a diet." I thumbed through it briefly once and even that helped. In my mind, if I eat a brownie nothing much happens. But the book points out that quite a lot happens on a cellular level at least.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Fabulous time at Park City. And the food! Oddly, was rather IE. We were good and hungry for dinner (the deal included a 3 course meal)--holy cow! My appetizer alone would have cost $24. However my main dish was a little disappointing, and I didn't eat much of it, and I was full so I hardly touched dessert. I left most of the next day's lunch too, and then yesterday was fast Sunday--had a snack then a reasonable dinner at my Uncle's. IE says something that I like very much. It's talking about favorite "bad" foods and some people have a hard time with those for fear that once they allow themselves what they want, they won't stop eating. IE suggests taking the foods one at a time and eating them until you really and truly believe that you can eat them and---here's the magic---eventually you won't need to PROVE to yourself that you can have them by eating them.
This will take some time. I'm doing fairly well today, except that when I saw the halloween reeses pumpkins (remember my fondness for the Reeses Easter eggs?), I bought four. I wasn't in the mood to have one after lunch today, but something compelled me to eat one anyway. I can't understand it. I didn't want it. I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have another time. Why Why Why did I eat it anyway??? Maybe because it's Labor Day and so I have the day off and this is a lingering symptom of a "special occasion so I'd better eat?" Maybe that's it. Maybe I should start each morning reminding myself, "Today is or is not a "special occasion" day. So I can eat if I wan't to and I can leave it alone if I want to."
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Got to see some IE in action yesterday at a baby shower. 7 year old very skinny girl goes up to the treat buffet, takes one chocolate chip cookie--wanders around the room for a bit nibbling, then goes back to the buffet gets a plate and loads up on fruit. 18 month old brother gets a strawberry--mom says she doesn't like him to get the chocolate chip cookies because he only eats the chips out of them. PERFECT. Why can't I get the hang of that?
Tomorrow sybolizes what will one day be a success for me I hope. It's the block party at Weber and some restauraunts are coming with food for those who bought a ticket. Of course I bought a ticket. After work, we're going to Park City to celebrate Mom's house being done. This includes a three course meal at a fancy Italian restaurant. Someday, I want to look forward to a day like tomorrow--including looking forward to the food, WITHOUT thinking of it as an excuse to overeat. Amazing how powerful that feeling is. I'm not interested in honoring my hunger! I somehow think I'll be happier overeating. Will I be happier overeating? Not so very deep down, I'm afraid I think the answer is YES!
Maybe that's what I'll really look at tomorrow. If I overeat---how do I really feel? Will I really enjoy everything? and if the answer is an honest "YES" what do I do about that?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Okay! First day's experiment results are in and I.....drum roll....need practice! Maybe I shouldn't have skipped breakfast--but honestly, I wasn't in the least hungry. I was still stuffed from yesterday. Instead, I had some water, and walk/ran a 5K. Still not hungry. Had some more water and made my mom's pflaumekuchen (plum cake--the real thing with loads of butter), put that in the oven and mowed the lawn. Still not hungry--had more water. When the cake had cooled a bit, I WAS ready to eat a little. It was surprisingly hard to cut myself a small piece!!! I had to tell myself several times that I could have more if I wanted. I did succeed in having a small piece and a small glass of milk. I was perfectly content--but still a little freaked out that here was all this pflaumekuchen and I had hardly touched it!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! You know the motto, "make peace with food" ?--for me, I think it's going to be "making peace with portions". Anyway, I had some errands to run and when I came back I was ready for lunch. Ok, I think. I was truly hungry--I had a grilled cheese sandwich, some olives, some doritos and some raw cauliflower. After I'd eaten that, I'm not sure if I was still hungry or if I just wanted more cake? Cake won. I had a larger piece than I'd had before (because I happend to cut it that way) and some more milk. Had a nap, and went to SLC for a birthday party. I wasn't hungry when we left, and wasn't consciously all that hungry when we got there, but my body must have been really hungry. It was difficult to speak to people I was so eager to get to the table--that annoyed me. I did NOT succeed in dishing up small portions there. I ate two plates of fruit, chips and dip (my favorite) and two hotdogs, plus cake and ice-cream.
So--ok, I think skipping breakfast might be a bad idea even if I'm not hungry, especially if I exercise. The first small piece of cake was a success and so was adding the cauliflower to lunch. I will build on that tomorrow. One thing I did right when I was pregnant was to try to eat as healthily as I could when I could eat. I want to do the same here. If for whatever reason my body doesn't want a lot of food--I think it's important to make sure that overall the food I do eat has nutritional value.
I'm frustrated with my reaction at the party--not just that I ate a lot, but that I wanted so much. I feel a little betrayed. I WAS honoring both my hunger and my fullness all day long and then suddenly I just had to eat a big birthday dinner? Why didn't my body reward my efforts with a normal sized appetite at dinner?? Maybe it was backlash from skipping breakfast, but it's still annoying.
Tomorrow is another day, and I like this idea of practicing portions. Obviously, there is a lot of work to be done.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Well, I broke my word and got on the scale the other day. I know I've been overeating. Each day, I make MANY correct IE choices, but unfortunatley each day I make too many dumb choices and I feel fat and bloated. 190. However, I was dressed and was feeling bloated, which is probably why I weighed myself then because I wouldn't have to really accept the weight I saw.
Ok, here's tomorrow's experiment. I honestly and truly have not been wanting as much food as I've been eating. But if it's offered to me, or it's on my plate, I have a devil of a time saying no--even if I don't want it! So---just for tomorrow, I'm going to serve myself up little portions and take those little portions away from the main source of the food. If I'm still hungry I can go back for seconds or even thirds or fourths or whatever--but if I'm full maybe it will be a little bit easier to say I'm done.
I suspect that if I could just let go and let my body do what it wants it really might revert back to something very similar to when I was pregant--that is, I'm carring around so much extra, that I doubt my body wants or needs very much food at all at this point. I bet my body WANTS to eat like a mouse until I get to whatever my normal size is, and then I bet my appetite will increase to a normal size to maintain that weight. I just need to get out of my own way. MUCH harder than it sounds!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Did I say yesterday that I was learning something here? i doesn't feel like it. I made a pig of myself last night. Well, maybe I have learned something about myself as an emotional eater--the number one emotion that triggers eating for me is celebration--whether that's joy or a nice day or just plain relief. Negative emotions shut me down. Weird, but I really don't eat in response to stress, sadness, anger or other negatives. But happiness?? That's different. To me, food is like salt, it just makes everything better--so if I'm already happy--I wan't to eat for sure!
Yesterday was a relief eat. Dave surpassed himself and went all the way to SLC to take my nephew back to school shopping. I couldn't go with (and didn't want to!) and it felt GREAT. I got my church work done and then I took myself out to Sizzler which was foolish financially as well as waist-wise. I ate WAY past the point of fullness--to the point where I came home and unbuttoned my pants which is rare behavior for me. The only good news here is that eating a large salad, a steak, potato, texas toast and a sundae hasn't always or even often, been enough to bring me to stomach-ache fullness. While it was still WAAAAAY too much food, I'm relieved that it felt like way too much. It's also been nice not to force myself back on a diet today. I ate a little bit for a late breakfast, and then I was hungry for lunch. I just wish I would hurry up and begin naturally undereating so my body could be brought back into line!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
PHEW!!! Amazing how things can turn around. It was a difficult and nerve wracking weekend. Would the DI pod come so we could load stuff at Mom's? (yes) Would Christine actually get stuff out of the house? (not really) Would anyone come to help? (YES!)
For a lot of reasons that I don't want to rehash here--lack the energy, and it wouldn't be helpful anyway--I spent Sunday and most of yesterday furious at my sister. I don't like feeling that way. It's exhausting, and negative and worst of all purposeless.
But today is a new day. We got a lot done cleaning-wise at the house, and best of all one of the new owners came by and saw that we were doing it. That's what I really wanted. Mom's house is old and isn't really cleanable anymore because it needs to be re-painted--so you can scrub all you like and it still looks dirty because it's just stained. At least they know we're trying. Whether or not my sister actually loaded everything up in the pod before they took it away this morning I don't know or really care. If they didn't--I'll drop everything I can carry on her front porch and that's the end of that. I feel now, as though the rest of the work is doable and it will be DONE on Friday. This is an enormous elephant weight off my shoulders. Even better today--Dave asked last night if my nephew had school supplies? I told him I wouldn't be surprised if the answer was no. I thought school started next week, but no, it starts tomorrow! Dave is still going to go to SLC and take him shopping. I can't go and I think it's a good thing for them to spend some time together. I'm so blessed to have such a terrific husband! I'd been wondering about that too, but lacked the energy to follow up
What does this have to do with food? Nothing perhaps, except that life has to do with food and emotions definitley do. I think things are slowly healing and improving even though my eating has been weird by diet standards. I AM having meals where I'm eating lightly or not at all. I still have trouble with others---I ate a kids meal for dinner last night and didn't even finish the bag of salt and vinegar chips. After cleaning, I still wasn't hungry, but Dave wanted ice-cream. Well!! My full share of a huge sundae went down no problem. This morning, I WAS hungry and I wanted eggs, bacon, an english muffin, a slice of cheese and milk. Got to work and wasn't the least bit tempted by the monkey bread. I've been reading in the IE book about an experiment where normal men were put on a strict diet for 6 weeks. After the diet, it took them a full 5 months to normalize their eating. IE is definitley working in that I'm thinking about food less, worrying less, and feeling much less compelled to eat the "good stuff" this, to the point where I'm surprised by how little I'm caring about food. On the other hand though--I seem to be reverting to the foods I grew up with--a very German diet, bread, cheese, meat with some fruits and veggies. Perhaps not the greatest diet in the world--although, when I was eating that diet I sure weighed a whole lot less! (Course I was a kid and it was the 1970's). I don't feel thinner. On the contrary, my thighs and bottom feel fat. I think, on the whole, I'm excited---this IS a little different from when I just "gave up" in Iowa. Then I slowly lost 20 lbs. This time, I'm willing to embrace nutrition and exercise--just not at the expense of what I really want. I still don't trust that I'm not engaging in major wishful thinking, but I sense that I'm on the right path and will learn something important here whatever the actual scale results.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Huh! I'm actually feeling a bit overburdened by food. I couldn't think where to go last night--I didn't want to wait until I was done grocery shopping, so I wound up at TGI Friday's on the thought that I never go there. Right. I never go there because so much of the stuff is either beer batter based, or jack daniels based. I found good things that weren't and it was good, but I still left feeling as though I had wasted time and money. Kudos to the staff though for being super nice.
This morning I threw away the chips and fries I had saved and just brought the 1/2 sandwich and the artichoke dip to work (I had my own home baked tortilla chips). TOO much dip. I feel heavy with fatty dip. for once, I'm not worried AT ALL about dinner tonight. If I want some, fine, if i don't, fine. I honestly don't care. Which is nice because this is the "last" night I have to have dinner without consulting anybody else's opinion--normally I'd treasure this.
I'll be SO glad when this month is over. I understand now the phrase "driven to drink." My family is SO difficult to deal with. Good thing I'm mormon, or I'd be out of control. A couple of weeks ago all I wanted was a glass of wine, even though I've never had wine in my life!! Well, I'm not about to start drinking now--or taking any other kind of meds, but for the first time I understand the temptation.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I've spent the day all wound up--lots of little things that I can't control, but I think I'm winding down now thank goodness and can enjoy the evening. There's been something obvious that I've been meaning to bring up. One way or another, I have to say NO to SO MUCH FOOD!! When I was pregnant this drove me crazy. I didn't want food, I didn't need food, I would get sick if I ate food--and I still wanted it more than anything. I've improved a great deal since then, but I'm by no means out of the woods. It's going to be a real adjustment to eat so little. The other night I ordered some great indian food but didn't have time to eat it before RS. I literally ate about 4 bites before the meeting, and when I got back I didn't want any more. I ate it last night. I'm liking intuitive eating, because I'm beginning to do stuff like that,which is unusual, and I think steps in the right direction.
But I've still got such a long way to go! Tonight is a good example--I'm taking the night off (except for grocery shopping. Dave is still in London, Catherine is gone--I'm on my own. This screams to me---go out to eat--I can literally go anywhere and have anything I want. I can totally relax and do my favorite thing--eat. Except that....hurrah for IE--I don't feel quite so compelled tonight. I'll still eat out, but more because there's no food in the house than because I "have" to. I might even make my favorite--chocolate chip cookies, but at the moment at least, I'm not feeling inclined to have 10 of them. Truly, I just want a couple. I'll see how that actually goes.
But still... I like to eat! A very large (no pun intended) part of me doesn't want to give it up even if I don't want food. I love the sensation of sitting down to a really good and huge meal and then feeling free to eat it all! Although, even as I type that I can feel that it's not quite as true as it used to be. I love sitting down to dinner--but I care a little bit less whether or not it's huge. I wonder what I really want for dinner? A soup from Zupas--yes, but not their sandwich and I want more than just the soup. What would really hit the spot?
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
MUCH better day today, although I still didn't get enough sleep. NO idea if I've lost, gained, maintained or whatever but even though my thighs feel fat, I'm wearing a sweater for the first time because today it doesn't gap in the front.
I'm continuing to improve in that I'm not thinking about food nearly as much, and I think I'm paying a little bit better attention. For example, I brought some peanut butter cheerios for a snack. I don't know if it was the sugar or what, but I was hungrier when I finished them than when I started.
Actually, my food today hasn't been too far off of weight watchers--I had my favorite cream of wheat with blackberries for breakfast, and a wrap with olives for lunch with a yogurt and chips (I could have done with less chips). Someone brought sugar cookies to work, and I'd intended to have one after lunch, but they're all gone and I find that I don't much care if they are. This is partly because I have chocolate chip fiber one bars and junior mints here, but even still, it's nice not to be obsessed with the cookies.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I think I did a little better today, overall. I didn't eat breakfast---I DON'T like this business of overeating and then skipping meals. THAT isn't good. But I wasn't hungry. I took a 100 cal pack of cookies to church (blech--really bad chocolate. I'll have see if they were just old, or if they've always been that bad). After church, I still wasn't particuarly hungry (this not being hungry is a welcome switch from weight watchers!)--but I didn't want to wait till I was frantically starving. What I really wanted were some veggies. So I cut up some red and green peppers--didn't want dressing at all, and had them with a few olives (actually, I don't think I wanted those particuarly either) and some crackers with stilton and a little cheddar cheese. I made the orange rolls from a can that I had intended for breakfast and had one with some milk. I'm looking forward to a few for breakfast tomorrow.
Dinner was definitley a success. Not starving, but I put in two small potatoes, then fried up my steak with onions and some beans I picked today from the garden and had it with a little sourdough bread. Realized half-way through that I was done--so I packed up the remainder for lunch tomorrow. Ate the rest of the cheesecake and wished there was more. I was listening to a book on tape and it was probably a mistake to remain in the kitchen. I had a glass of chocolate milk, and made some popcorn with olive oil for work tomorrow--but ate quite a bit of it--it goes so well with the chocolate milk. :)
My back is feeling much better. My weird body seems to respond better to exercise than rest. I walked to church and later took a short walk also. Tomorrow I'll walk to work and see how I do.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Uh boy. I was spot on yesterday. Feeling too full doesn't stop me AT ALL from eating more. If I had been left to myself, I wouldn't have eaten dinner at all or would have eaten very lightly. Instead I went to my sister's house where I discovered that she is a great cook and likes to make Greek food. My favorite! Besides the professional gyro and salad, she made a spinach pie absolutely drenched in butter and fantastic. I had two big pieces of that.
I am determined not to react to this by going on a diet. I want my mind to settle down--to realize that the food is always there and then to let go. I'm re-reading IE and last nights read was about eating out of rebellion. I know ALL about that. I think there is a very real ugly little part of me that eats out of a purely "to hell with you" attitude toward society.
I can work with this. I can improve my level of forgiveness towards myself and others. After all, I like beautiful people too! I love the Olympics partly because it's so neat to see such levels of physical perfection. I like beauty in all its manifestations--physically, spiritually or mentally. I can whole heartedly work on improving my beautiful, miraculous body without resentment, in the same way that I can improve my skills to make music on the beautiful harp. I'll likely never be world-class in either area, but does it matter? I've always known I'm more of a "renaissance" person. I prefer to work in many areas at once. At the end of the day I'll have a pretty good body as well as quite the collection of talent--perhaps none developed to world class level yet, but taken as a whole--I can easily become a world class person.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Scary Scary!!! I'm too full and I feel fat. Why did I eat all that lunch? I wasn't really hungry for it. I could have eaten 1/2 of it if at all--but I didn't. I ate the whole thing. The only good thing is that I'm honestly not liking this feeling of feeling too full. That's a change--usually I love this feeling--but today I don't. At all. The thing I'm afraid of is that I don't dislike the feeling enough to want to prevent feeling it again. I can easily see myself for the next few years consistently overeating and each and every time saying , "yep--overdid it again. Don't like that."
Maybe my committment just needs to be as simple as every morning saying that I'm not on a diet and I'm going to enjoy everything. And then before I eat ANYTHING just ask myself am I going to enjoy this or not?
I'm also frustrated that I can't excercise just now because of my back. Patience is NOT my best virture.
I want to comment on an insightful comment on yesterday's post. I said that the Lord probably wishes I'd quit wasting so much energy on this and just get out there and do my visiting teaching. Here's Stephonie's response.
I think He does care because He is aware of us and He is aware of our concerns. When we are overweight what do we focus on? Our weight. What do we worry about? Our weight and what other people think about us. When we are overweight are we able to fulfill our callings as wife, mom, and church member to the best of our abilities? I can only speak for myself but my weight inhibits every single aspect of my life. Does the Lord love me at the weight that I am? Absolutely! Will he love me any more if I loose weight? Nope. I will be just as important to him if I weigh 1000 lbs or 165. Since weight is such a huge concern to me I know that He is aware of my concerns and they are important to him.
She's right of course. Weight impacts EVERY area of my life--no question, and for that reason it's worth spending whatever energy it takes to resolve this issue in my life. However, I still resent that society makes weight such a big deal. But when I look at my life and the flaws that I'd like to correct--like a tendency to procrastinate and a tendency to underachieve to name just two flaws. I'm sure if I gave the attention to either of these that I do to weight--I'd find that these flaws also impact every single aspect of my life and that correcting them would be just as comprehensive as correcting overeating. If society were comprised of rational beings wouldn't we all be working on different things? Over the office water cooler wouldn't someone be talking about one issue and another about another issue? But no. Every New Year's Day everyone ignores every flaw, except one and goes on a diet.
It makes me angry that I've been overlooked and underestimated my whole life simply because I'm overweight. And boy, oh boy-am I not alone. I know so many fabulous people that have battled through challenges that would make any soldier cry for his mommy, and in the stress of many moments they have overeaten, and that seems to be ALL that anybody sees or values.
Oh well. I like the movie Shallow Hal. It's about a completely shallow guy who falls under a spell so he can only see people based on their inner-beauty. He falls in love with a girl who is huge, but he thinks she's a supermodel. He learns a few things in the end. I like that in the next life we will be valued for who and what we really are.
In the meantime though. I'm not supposed to be comparing myself with others--and I'm certainly not supposed to be envious of them or worry about what the world thinks I'm worth. I only need to work on being better than I am today. If I could only REMEMBER that I think I could let go of the weight more easily. Thanks for the reminder Steph!