Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Stupid contacts


GRRRR---I have the WORST eye sight!  I need contacts so I can go snorkeling in Aruba and see anything. I need the absolute most expensive, custom-made kind that they make.  The eye doctor can't (ethically, I suppose he really can't) just give me something that would make do.  But the kicker is that to actually function usefully in my real life, I will still need glasses to wear with the contacts!!  What's the point of the contacts then???  I hate compromising--and I really hate paying top dollar for a compromise.  I rarely wear contacts, but I suppose I'll have to buy these---they will work for Aruba and Hawaii (assuming poor mom is up to Hawaii).  They do work well for distance and I do like having them for things like this and for amusement parks too.  It's difficult to garner sympathy even from myself with trips like Aruba in the offing, but it's still annoying. The only reason I'm going on either trip is because somebody else is, in large part, paying for it. I don't have money to spend on super expensive semi-worthless contact lenses.

Enough.  Food-wise---maybe I should drink large amounts of fruit punch more often.  I was really full last night.  It should be a comparatively easy day point-wise.  I had bacon and a bagel for breakfast, will finish off the italian chicken for lunch and we're having reuben sandwiches for dinner.  There is the relief society board meeting later, but with luck the refreshments won't be very good.

Monday, May 30, 2011

60 Days!


Two full months!  How about that!  I'm proud of myself.  Anyone reading this blog---so far, that's only me, but I'm the one who needs it, so I guess that's ok---will see that I've made an endless series of mistakes.  But I've done a lot of things right too.  I've walked a 1/2 marathon, kept up this blog, and stayed well enough on plan to lose 12 pounds. The next few months have plenty of challenges---Mom's health, a trip to Aruba, getting Catherine off to college, general boredom with counting everything, Mom's health--but there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to stay strong.  

I'm glad to say that after I ate dinner last night--I DID feel much better.  Full, and the one muffin and hot chocolate felt perfect---not restrictive or diety at all.  Today was similar with our Memorial day feast.  As feasts go it wasn't bad points-wise--but I couldn't have a big snack in addition to the feast and I'm still not used to that.  I hope I'm learning (slowly) that small things make a big difference--by not having honey on the biscuits (fantastic biscuits), and skipping the nuts on the banana boats, I saved a lot of points.  I also had just diet juice instead of milk for breakfast.  It all adds up or rather, down.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Hungry for dinner


No word from or about Mom.  Good.  I'll go down tomorrow and see her.  Right now it's 5:30 and I'm STARVING!  This is so silly. I should be hungry--I haven't eaten yet--that's the point.  It's okay to be hungry for goodness sake---dinner is in the oven (and it's a good one) and will be ready in less than 1/2 hour.  Even still, because I'm hungry right now I believe that I'll ALWAYS be hungry, that I can't be satisfied on ww portions--etc, etc, etc etc.  Nonsense.  A:  I've been pretty well satisfied all day up to now!!  I had pancakes for breakfast, grilled cheese and soup for lunch.  For dinner I've got a large meal of really good Italian chicken with a thick creamy sauce, noodles, veggies and watermelon.  I think I'm irked because--did I mention I was hungry just now?---I can "only" have ONE pumpkin chocolate chip nut muffin for dessert---with hot chocolate.  I just dislike the idea of being "finished" with food for the night. 
What if I want another muffin? or popcorn? or cheese? and I can't have it???   I sound like I'm two years old--so lets work through this.  A--I CAN have it if I want it.  I have all the points for the week and I could blow it all and have all those things if I want to.  B--AFTER dinner, I'll probably be full--or at least a whole lot less hungry than I am now.  C--If I'm still genuinely hungry this evening I can, and SHOULD eat something even if it's over points---it's okay, if my body is really demanding it, then I need to give it something.  D--It is possible to have SOME self-discipline. In fact, this mini-tantrum is probably a good thing.  Losing weight is learning how to say NO to some of the things I want and yet learn that I can still be happy.  Just like I can be happy at the mall even though I'm not buying everything I want.  Some things some times is a perfectly normal way of life--I just don't like it yet----waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Moving on!  Tomorrow is memorial day.  BARBEQUE!!  And happily, this isn't going to be very tough on points either!  BBQ chicken, potato planks, watermelon, deviled eggs, sourdough biscuits, pickles, grilled pineapple rings, and grilled banana boats with chocolate chips and marshmellows.  I guess I won't starve.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Week over


Week over and I'm glad.  It's been the most difficult food week yet.  Mom seems to have come through the surgery ok.  She's already out of ICU and off the respirator. We went down to see her---only stayed about 10 minutes because she was clearly exhausted.  I'm just glad she's still here.  We won't find out until Wednesday if cancer will be a problem.  We had stopped by the house first to do some cleaning and gardening and afterward went to Gardiner village just a short distance from the hospital.  Gardiner village is a charming collection of shops and they were having a sidewalk sale.  The original plan was to get home and make dinner, but we were too tired from gardening and too tempted by the restraunt they have there.  To my credit I DID say we should go home, but I admit I put up zero fight when Dave and Catherine wanted to stay and eat.  I did too.   I had the cobb salad--hopefully one of the better choices---it would have been a great choice if I had had the light dressing, but what's a cobb salad without blue cheese?  Dave really went all out and ordered the spinach artichoke appetizer too.  Not much self-control there.  We came home and made smores--we have a tiny house, but it has a terrific fireplace.  I'm ready for a fresh start next week.  I wouldn't be surprised though if I did come out ahead today--I was very careful with breakfast and lunch, got a lot of exercise and was never overly full--when I feel like that it usually means weight is coming off.  It's nearly midnight now, so I'm done eating.  I've felt very skinny all day long because my pants are about ready to fall off my body--course they've been big on me for a long time now--they only ever really fit at my all time top weight, about 30 pounds ago.  Still, it's a nice feeling.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Dodged a Bullet!


Hey!!  Down another pound to 196--for a total of 12 pounds lost!  All right!!!!!  I fully expected to go up this week and was feeling annoyed with the choices I made.  Actually, I'm still annoyed--Famous Daves I don't feel bad about, the food was really good.  But looking back at the conference, there wasn't much that was that great.  I really liked the eggs (unusual for me), but the bacon was flavorless and the sausage gravy was runny.  The best thing were the brownies the first day--they had some fantastic flavoring, but everything else wasn't worth going overboard for. 

The pound is great, but the real thing to celebrate is the change of attitude.  I honestly don't feel entitled to this pound--whereas in the past, especially given the half-marathon in this week, I would have felt TOTALLY entitled to at least a pound and would have probably been upset that it wasn't more. Better still, I'm honestly not thinking in terms of...."wow, I ate all this stuff and still lost, therefore I'm entitled to eat this much again (and maybe even more!) and I still could lose!"  For once I want to do better.  The questions are more along the lines of "how much can I exercise?" and "how well can I stick to the plan?" as opposed to "how much can I get away with?"  It's taken a good five years to get to this point.  I only hope the attitude sticks.

Today's eating will help too, but I don't really care.  I'm fasting for Mom.  She's in surgery.  Lisa tells me that the doctor said this kind of tumor has a 95% chance of being cancerous and it is a very bad kind of cancer to have.  Still, she just went into surgery about an hour ago and I'm trying not to worry more than I can help.  Why fret about cancer until we know for sure--and even then, people beat cancer all the time. If not, at least we have some time to plan.  This sounds silly, but I want Mom to go to Hawaii.  She's been looking forward to the trip and I think she should go!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Back on the wagon


Okay, back on track and feeling pretty good about it.  Had cream of wheat with raspberries for breakfast, and am looking forward to a taco salad for lunch--snacks are an apple a banana and a bagel with a laughing cow cheese.  Leftovers for dinner and plenty of points to have something decent. Did I mention yesterday that sweet Dave and Catherine got me the Just Dance game for the wii??  Yea!!  It's my prize for finishing the half-marathon.  I'll play a good round of it tonight.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Out of control


Good grief.  I'm officially out of control.  No wonder I have a weight problem.  I love to eat and I love to eat a lot.  The conference is over thank goodness--I stopped at the gas station to get a caffeine free diet coke and there were the sleeves of flavored almonds that I like, and I've never tried the salt and vinegar....  The original idea was to try one or two, this quickly morphed into finish this off because these nuts are hard to fit into the ww plan (they are not THAT hard to fit in).  WHATEVER.  Reasonable dinner tonight--some exercise and back on track tomorrow.  The good news is that I'm almost as excited about being back on track as I was about going off track.  It's almost a perfect 50/50 split--which is a big improvement.  It used to be more like 99/1 in favor of overeating.  But as these past three days show, I obviously have a long way to go before I lose the compulsion to eat more than I should. At least I was satisfied with just one (albeit heavy) plateful at the conference meals.

 This morning they served orange juice, which is a treat for me, so I drank a big glass and a half which dropped me like a rock an hour later.  I was fighting to stay awake.  At least with ww I feel awake---hungry, but awake. 

Upcoming stressors--the ARUBA project.  Don't know how to do it, want to avoid it--let's eat.  MAJOR stressor--Mom is going in for a complicated surgery on Friday to remove a tumor from her pancreas.  She'll be in ICU for several days and in the hospital for at least a week.  She's in her 70's.  I don't want to lose her!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

being "good"?


Resort food not as fabulous as feared---that's not to say I didn't overeat, but the bacon was kind of flavorless.  The really dumb thing I did was eat two hershey's nuggets (that's 4 points) and then the other half of my mother's day almond joy candy bar when I got home (3 pts).  What was that about?  I already had two way over point meals.  Anyway--I'll do my best with the two more meals tomorrow and then I'm done.  I'll have a 8-10 point dinner and be right back on track.  At least I got a little exercise with yard work and a short walk with Catherine.  I'm almost recovered from the marathon.

About being "good."  A very heavy friend came by today.  She's on weight watchers too, but she struggles even more than I do.  She's been under a lot of stress and had put all of her lost weight back on and is feeling horrible.  She hasn't been tracking and she was telling us about some truly horrible food choices BUT she didn't have ice-cream with the cake! (She had a frosty earlier)..and lots of other "good?" choices.  On the one hand any better choice is a better choice and gets applause from me.  On the other hand--I do plenty of that kind of thinking myself (example yesterday--I had 1/3 of a rack of ribs rather than 1/2--but what was I doing with ribs at all?).   I bet I sound as silly to those who maintain a healthy weight as she did to me.  It's far too easy to justify poor choices under the banner of "but they weren't quite as poor as they might have been."

Monday, May 23, 2011



Catherine's officially a high-school graduate.  Unbelievable.  I could go on and on about how proud I am of her. At the moment I am almost equally excited for her accomplishments and excited that the round of parties and ceremonies is finally over.  The actual graduation was at noon---and the plan was to go to Outback Steakhouse for a late lunch after.  I wasn't exactly planning to stick to plan, but I at least had a notion of what might be some better choices.  Oooops.  Nobody thought to look to see whether Outback was OPEN in the afternoon.  It wasn't, and we wound up at another great place---Famous Dave's (BBQ).  Oh my.  They DID have a light grill with entrees under 600 cal--they sounded good too, but I just couldn't bring myself to order one of them in the face of ribs.  I had ribs--and cornbread, and fries, and baked beans, and some nachos (the appetizer) and a corn cob and plenty of BBQ sauce.  AND 1/2 of a very large brownie sundae for dessert.   

Other people talk about feeling too full, or guilty, or sluggish or bad after a meal like that.  Not me.  I feel great physically, and content and happy psychologically.  The rationale today of course, is that this is the celebratory dinner for my only child's graduation, so it's fine to celebrate with food.  And it is.  Or it would be, if celebrations like this only came around every year or so.  Even still, I'd probably be ok even though I probably had 3 days worth of points, if it weren't for tomorrows and Wednesday's food extravaganza's.  In theory, I could use some self-control.  In fact--the only likely brake will be my unwillingness to be a total pig in front of my co-workers.  Whatever happens, I'll report faithfully to myself here on the blog.

Sunday, May 22, 2011



   Owwwwww.  My feet hurt---amazingly, my knees did great, but my feet!  Owwwww.  But that's not important.  What IS important is the Catherine graduated from seminary today.  I'm so proud of my girl.  She was picked to be one of the speakers as well and did a beautiful job.  I am truly a lucky mom.

   Food-wise--today--not exactly sterling--though it was fun to plug my weight into the weight watcher online graph and get all kinds of stars for hitting the 5% mark.   Now, tomorrow (graduation) and Tuesday and Wednedsay (double buffets at the conference) are a sort of excuse not to count points very well.  But today?  What was the excuse again?  I didn't exactly do badly, but I didn't count which is sloppy and I have a healthy fear of going completely off track.  SO---here's to what I DID do right, so I can remind myself to at least make better choices, even if I lose my grip a little at outback and the upcoming buffets.  For breakfast, I had my normal one pancake with fruit.  Lunch was where things went off with a big piece of bacon bacon bacon pizza--however, I had one big piece and one very little piece (normally, I would have had three) and a big salad. Instead of eating the extra pizza I wanted, I had a banana. Since I knew the graduation would have treats, I only had an Andes mint instead of something much larger.  Dinner was moderate.  I was surprised at the graduation!  I figured they'd have punch and cookies, but they had platters of cheese and meat and chips and fruit for a real meal as well as a dessert table.  Yikes!!  Normally, I would have had a full-on second dinner, but I contented myself with a slice of swiss cheese, some fruit, a little nut cup, and a cookie (should have let the cookie go---it wasn't that good).    Soooooo, well.....not great, but still genuine improvement over status quo.

Saturday, May 21, 2011



I DID IT!!   13.2 miles!  And I wasn't last! (I am ALWAYS last on stuff like this).  It was so incredibly fun, although I'm paying the price right now.  My body from the waist down is hating me right now.  I did this with the Weber State walking group--simply great people, and I'm proud of all of us. We got our group shirts just this morning--Weber purple of course.  Yesterday we all had to go to a big expo downtown to pick up our numbers.  It was packed with people and vendors selling all kinds of mysterious stuff.  What I don't know about running would fill an encyclopedia. 

I don't know where in the world you'd find a more beautiful site for a marathon--they bussed us all up to Eden (well named) at 5:30 a.m. There were thousands of people---the full marathoners who started an additional 13 miles farther up the canyon, us, some relay teams and a 5K that began near the bottom.  The start was exciting--we had quite a wait, but there was a live band, and barrels with fire to keep warm and snacks.  Most people looked pretty normal, but there was one lady in a pink tutu and tiara (that-a girl!)  We began near the back of the pack so we wouldn't get run over--but our numbers came equipped with an electronic device to measure our time from when we crossed the starting line.   The support for this marathon is AMAZING!!  First off the clean-up crew is there not only to pick up trash, but to allow runners to dress in "throw-away" layers that they can strip off as they go.  I came with 2 throw away shirts and a sweater.  It felt weird just to toss them aside--but how cool that I didn't have to carry them!  Every mile or so there were stations with porta-potties, bananas, oranges, water, powerade, goo, cliff-bars (love the chocolate mint), and best of all, people cheering us the whole way!  In between the stations were people too with cow bells and good wishes.  It was a perfect May day---a real relief after what feels like a solid month of rain (flooding is going on everywhere in the US just now).   About 1/2 way down the marathoners began to catch up with us and it felt great to cheer them on---and they cheered for us just as much. I used to watch documentaries about marathoning when I was little and it was like hundred of personal heroes were with me as we went down.  The friends I walked with made the miles fly by---and indeed I WAS flying (comparitively anyway)  I was hoping to maintain a rather slow 20 minute mile, but I beat it and finished with a 3:58:17.  To my astonishment, my knees didn't bother me at all---and are still feeling okay!  My FEET however are something else.  They began to heat up about 1/2 way down.  Nothing terribly painful at the time, but a sensation as though my shoes had vanished and I was walking on bare ground sanding off the bottoms.   At the end of the canyon they routed us behind the Dinosaur park---I haven't been there since I was about 8 years old. But we could see and even hear some of the dinosaurs.  Now we were getting close to the end.  Many more marathoners passing us and many more people cheering.  At about the 10 mile mark I suddenly noticed I had fat fingers--I guess swollen hands are a common problem.  The last mile came complete with a brass band and Dave was at the finish line looking all proud of me.  As we crossed, there were mighty cheers, water bottles pressed on us (they even opened them) and people putting medals around our necks.  Maybe I'll make the effort to actually post a picture---but the ribbon is thick and the medal is HEAVY and says Ogden 1/2 marathon 2011 with a mountain cut-out backdrop.  It is beautiful.

I couldn't stay long in the winners enclosure--Catherine's graduation party was starting in just a little while.  Thank goodness she had a great day for her party.  My sister made the most amazing cake and my family and ward members came over.  To my great relief, it was a good party.  After we broke the party down, I took some more ibuprofin, a hot bath, a snack and a nap.   Right now I'm wearing the official marathon shirt and the medal and  I'm hobbling around like I'm 95 years old.  I'm completely happy.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Down another pound!


Down another pound!!! --or rather three pounds from last week which was two pounds up.  Down to 197 for 11 pounds lost.  YES!!!  I postponed eating breakfast this morning so I could weigh in at the student health center--I have to hit 201 to have the insurance pay for weight watchers and I was worried about evil doctor scales and the fact that I was wearing jeans.  Good enough!  I have the official little paper to fax in.   I'm especially pleased with this morning's loss because I'm sure I haven't digested last night's dinner.  FORGET a polish dog---I had an inspiration on the way to BYU---Schlotzkey's deli--which serves the best pastrami and swiss and had the best salt and vinegar chips I've ever tasted.  Probably has a million calories, but who cares???  I ate as wisely as I possibly could beforehand ---a 4 point breakfast (raisin toast with cream cheese and raspberries) and a 4 point lunch (zero point soup with 4 wasa crackers and 2 laughing cow cheeses) so I had 21 points to blow on dinner and it felt good.  I'll have plenty of points today too because of the extra weekly points--I think I'll have a peanut-butter cup with lunch.  :)

The mom-front is better too.  At least there is a solid diagnosis--she does have a bile duct blockage and will need surgery.  She's scheduled for the 31st (a week away) but Lisa is trying to get her in sooner.  I hope she can cause Mom sounds pretty miserable--it's the itching that's driving her insane.  But a blocked duct is looking more serious to us (especially Lisa) than it seems to be to the doctor. I think in a way I'm more worried about Lisa than I am about Mom.  Any surgery is dangerous especially when a person is over 70, but I'm at peace with the idea of death,  Lisa doesn't seem to be yet.

1/2 marathon is tomorrow--yea! and Catherine's party is tomorrow a hopefully yea! moment.  I'll be relieved when that's over. I just hope people will come.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bad Night


Stressful evening!!!!!!!  Lisa called.  Mom got sent to the doctor from work the other day because she was BRIGHT YELLOW!!  She says she feels fine, but has had horrible itchy skin for the past two weeks and her urine is brown.  I don't like the sound of this at all.  The doctor said he thought it was a blocked bile duct, but the ultra-sound didn't show anything.  She's going in for a cat scan this morning.  Poor Lisa is really scared.  I'm determined not to be too scared until I know for sure what's going on.  

With that in mind, I went to go and do the bills. AAACK!!!  Every bill was DOUBLE the normal amount!!  Sure enough, I didn't pay the bills last month!!  How did that happen????  The money was subtracted in the checkbook, I marked the bills as paid, but apparently I never actually got on line and paid them!  Worst of it is that we have no money to pay them either.  We managed to fritter it all away.  Sigh.  Bless Dave, he was so sweet.  We spent a lovely hour on the computer combing our online records.  He's not mad at me. We have money (earmarked for Aruba and Catherine's housing) we can use to catch up and then Dave should get some big checks, but still.  It's scary.  Everything is down to the wire.  The buffers are gone. I had hoped to do a little buffer re-building with this check, but obvioulsy that's not going to happen.

Food-wise. Sigh again.  Exceptions and temptations everywhere I go.  Before either of last night's difficulties we were SUPPOSED to go to Catherine's baccalaureate.  It seems to have been canceled at the last minute but we went out for ice-cream anyway.  Actually, I was quite moderate, I'm proud.  And I have the points, but I didn't really want to use the points for that--I should have just said no thanks. 

Tonight I'm taking C to BYU for an orientation that she doesn't need. Sigh again.  She's excited to go to the Y and I'm so excited for her--this is really why we're going to this orientation, but the gas and the food.  Oh well at least I'm planning food-wise.  I had a 4 point breakfast and will have a 4 point lunch leaving me 21 points to have a polish dog and chips or whatever tonight.

Next week's "exceptions" are fierce.  I honestly don't know if I can cope with these upcoming two days.  It boils down to whether on that day, and faced with that buffet if I will want to lose weight more than I will want to eat everything I want.  Hisptorically, that answer is an easy--no way!  Pass the bacon.  What this is is a conference for work.  I can't get out of it.  We're going up to a beautiful resort and being fed like kings for breakfast and lunch on both days.  I have a real weakness for breakfast buffets--and these are going to be good ones--BACON (my favorite food), biscuits and sausage gravy (the one thing in the world I can't make and I love to have), one of the lunches will feature cheese-stuffed steak. Chocolate cake is for dessert.  Oh boy.  I don't want to be good at all!  If it was just one meal I that would be fine, but it's FOUR meals almost back to back.  I just barely got past the Lava Hot springs food delay. Also upcoming is Catherine's party on Saturday (really good cake and ice-cream).  I'm not too worried about Saturday, because I'll have just walked a half-marathon.  But MONDAY we're going to outback steak house. I think I can be reasonable at Outback---but breakfast buffets??? Waffles, bacon, fruit, bacon, sausage, bacon, doughnuts, bacon, milk, bacon, eggs, bacon, juice, bacon, biscuits, bacon...  I wish I didn't love food quite so much.  

Wednesday, May 18, 2011



Day 48 is shaping up to be a good day.  It's Wednesday and Friday is my weigh in day, but I confess that I often step on the scale on Wednesday just to sort of see if anything has happened and to kind of brace myself in case I don't see a loss on Friday.  A couple of times the Friday weight is 2 pounds lower than Wednesday--which REALLY means I need to stop weighing in early because then I'll be unreasonably disappointed on Friday.  But today--happy day--I weighed in and the two pounds I gained on the lava hot springs trip are gone.  I would absolutley love it if one more pound vanished by Friday--that way I can feel as though I only had one week that didn't show loss. 

Anyway---I weasled out of my church meeting yesterday, and I'm glad I did.  (the rationalization is that honestly, I don't do that very often)  I got to the DI and bought some throw away clothes to wear on the half-marathon this Saturday!! Have I even mentioned this little item?  I joined a walking group at Weber last January and we're all walking the half-marathon!  I'm super excited--this is a huge event with an expo on friday night and all kinds of support.  I'm told I don't even need to bring a water bottle---water and snacks will be provided all the way down.  It's supposed to be a gorgeous walk down Ogden Canyon.  I'm a little worried about my beat-up old tennis shoes, but they've carried me everywhere so far.  Immediately after the marathon is Catherine's party.  All I can say is that on Saturday night I am RELAXING!!  I'd like to go out to dinner, but I think I'd rather spend the money on buying the Just Dance game for the wii.  Besides, it's a more appropriate award for this event anyway.   Anyway, I was able to get that stuff bought, plus a surprise for C's seminary graduation, then I got into some old boxes in the garage and found some cute school things for a display table. Rested, and feel a whole lot better today!!   As I mentioned before, one big benefit of feeling sick is that the ww plan actually fills me up.  I think this is the real reason I'm so happy about my loss today--in my experience being hungry is what makes the scale go down.  It was nice to feel full and have it go down anyway. 

Two good ww things.  Every week I'm supposed to plot my weight and it shows on a graph.  If I lose--the line on the graph goes down steeply.  I get a congratulations! and the computer says some nice things.  Well, last week I had to put in a 2 pound gain and I was please with how the ww site handled that.  It said all the right things to me---don't worry, it's a normal part of the process, look over your week and see if there is anything that could have been done better (that was easy--less buffalo wings perhaps?) and then let it go and press on with the journey.   Well done WW!!! 

The other good ww thing are receipes.  I meant to talk about this in yesterday's post.  I love new receipes--especially finding healthy ones that are really good for me.  When I worked at a library I began to notice all the healthy cookbooks and magazines that would come in and I began to do a little browsing started making some of the receipies--not because I was supposed to, but because the pictures looked so appetizing!  Weight watchers has some amazing receipies--course the portions are all too small, but the food is great!  I'm so glad I like to cook and experiement.  I think this is a really hopeful sign that I might some day be able to live happily at goal weight.  I've noticed a lot of the heavy people around me insist on eating from a very narrow band of food (rich of course), and won't even consider trying something made a different way.  In a way I kind of understand this--for example, to my mind the chocolate chip is the king of cookies.  But I was lucky--when my weight was at its worst I suddently realized that I was ONLY happy unless I had the right kind of chocolate chip cookie.  It struck me that I was slowly becoming addicted to an increasingly narrow amount of food choices and that this was not a good thing.  I didn't want to get to the place where I couldn't be content if I was at a party and the hostess made peanut-butter cookies.  This was NOT about weight-loss--at the time I wasn't even trying to lose weight.  It was about heading off an addiction and I'm so glad I did.  I began to buy the rich shortbread cookies at the Panera restaraunt (probably much worse in terms of fat and calories than the chocolate chip) and I genuinely loved them.   When my husband made applesauce raisin cookies (ok, but not a favorite), I really made it a point to have a glass of milk and enjoy the experience of eating them.  Phew!! It was a narrow dodge, but I'm so glad I caught this.  I truly love a HUGE variety of food and it really helps now that I'm trying to control what I eat that I CAN make things in different ways and am able to often fall in love with dishes that are better for me.  This is not about eating fake food--it's about discovery.  I LOVE munching on jicama.  My current chicken enchilada dish (with the secret ingredient of cocoa) is much more delicious that my old receipe that relied on  cream of chicken soup and sourcream.  WW just gave me another simple good one for breakfast--raisin toast topped with a cream-cheese (mixed with splenda and vanilla) and topped with berries (I like more splenda on the berries).    Some years ago I began a healthy receipe file--this file is extremely picky it only has receipes that I would eat if weight wasn't a problem.  Everything has to be fabulous in it's own right.   I guess, like everything else there is a balance--one can't fall in love with healthy food if one never takes the time to get used to it, but on the other hand if a person suddenly starts eating all kinds of stuff that feels weird to them that spells doom.   I cringe when I hear fat people say things like "I won't eat vegetables."  Well.....weight loss aside, that attitude makes it awfully difficult to nourish your body, and there are thousands and thousands of veggies and ways to fix them.  It sounds kind of silly to put a blanket ban on a huge section of food.  Similarily, although you might make the world's best lasagne--it might be worth trying to make a slightly healthier version at least sometimes.   Enough preaching!  I guess I just feel good that this is one healthy habit I've got down!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

New recipies


Oh no, oh no, oh no!!!  I'm tired, and my nose is running---I can NOT be sick this week!!! Tonight I was supposed to be at a meeting, tomorrow is Catherine's baccalaurete, Thursday I'm taking her up to BYU immediately after work, Friday all party plans must be finished, Saturday is my half-marathon AND her graduation party, Sunday is seminary graduation, Monday is THE high school graduation, Tues and Wed I have a work conference in SLC!  NO--sick is NOT an option.

I'm doing all I can to take care of it.  I went to bed early last night.  I canceled my meeting tonight so I could get throw-away clothes for the marathon (cool system--you can wear warm clothes and strip as you go--race helpers gather everything up and redonate it) and a present for seminary graduation.  It's 7:30 and still daylight so the plan is to head to the garage and find some old school things representative of Catherine for a little display table.  Then fry up some bean cakes, have popcorn and go to bed early.

One benefit of being almost sick is that the ww points have actually been enough for today.  I feel full.  That's rare when counting points. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Nothing special

Nothing especially ground breaking today.  I've got a good day planned food-wise.  I had an almond-date bar (not bad) with milk and cantaloupe for b-fast and am looking forward to a pizza on naan bread with a vat of salad for lunch.  We're having breakfast for dinner--stuffed cinnamon raisin toast with bacon and fried potatoes.  All good, all plentiful and yet.  Darn it.  It's still hard.  It's hard to know that if I have a sudden passing thought of' '"oh! that sounds good!"  I can't gratify that feeling (ok, well I could, but it would blow my extra points for the week).  Zaababy's message to me today was to practice saying NO to food.  Exactly what I needed to hear. Now the real trick is to say NO without then feeling sorry for myself.  How about feeling empowered? How about remembering the food will still be there later?  Naaaa.  Sorry for myself is easier.  Still....it's hard to feel too deprived when there's pizza for lunch.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A comparison

45  Back on points and feeling quite satisfied because I've eating a whole bunch of things that I couldn't have eaten on the core plan.  Made garlic naan bread--which is just fabulous--and feel satisfied all around.  Still----there's a big difference between what I ate and what I would have eaten had I not been on WW.  Maybe it will be helpful to me to write these differences down from time to time--to see for myself that all those "little" extras are quite a big deal!

Breakfast--I ate:
1 pancake, diet syrup 1 glass milk, cut fruit
    Normally I would have added one more pancake  (4 points)

Snack--I ate: none
  I was cooking all morning---would have sampled nuts (3 points?)

Lunch--I ate:
1 naan bread with a little butter, zero point soup
I would have had the naan with a lot of cheese, a yogurt, maybe some bacon and possibly another naan--assuming I would have only eaten 1 naan (12 points)

Church--I ate:  nothing
I would have had two chocolates (4 points)

Snack--I ate a banana
I would have eaten the banana plus a lot of pre dinner nibbling of meat and cheese (8 points)

Dinner--I ate:
a naan, 1/2 cup black beans, a serving sweet pulled pork, 1/4 c cheese, lettuce, pico de gallo, cilantro dressing, cauliflower.

This was quite filling, but I know I would have added at least 1/2 cup rice, and much more cheese (say, 5 points more at least)

Dessert--I ate:
I would have eaten--something rich and chocolaty--brownies, or those oatmeal peanut butter bars.  A very large serving--at least 12 points of something.

So---add this up I would have probably eaten about 48 more points than I did!!!  Holy Smoke!!!  And I would not have considered that I had overeaten with this amount either!!  The really scary thing is that this estimate is on the low side.   No wonder ww feels skimpy even when it isn't.  I really do like to eat a LOT.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Hmph!  Post 42 never did show back up. I'm remarkably irritated by this.  On the other hand, this blog is repetitive enough that anything I said will show back up again and again and again and again.  I'm glad to be going back to counting points tomorrow--I'm sure I'll regret it by early afternoon, but it's nice to feel more confident in what I'm doing. I'm also unusually grateful for ww today.  As I read blogs by people on very strict plans--1500 cal from Sean and Laura--I'm grateful for the flexibility in ww.  Don't get me wrong---I think for some a definite calorie count IS the way to go--it's simple, concrete and it works.  However I don't think normal skinny people eat like that, and that's what I'm shooting for--to eventually become the kind of person who can eat whatever I want and still be thin. Some days I'm hungrier than others.  I'm glad WW dropped the old plan where you had to eat so many veggies and so many proteins etc. every single day.  I just don't work like that.  Sometimes I'll eat loads of veggies, other days I'll be more interested in bread or fruit.  I like the idea of flexibility within parameters.  Actually, I think in an ideal world there would be a sort of graduated dieting program based on what kind of problem a person has---more than what ww offers which is just more points depending on your weight which decrease as you go.   From what I've read people that are really overweight seem to thrive on super strict limits like 1500 cal or the red light, green light program (eat whatever you like of green light foods--don't touch the red, careful with the yellow).  People like me with a moderate problem maybe should work with some flexibility as we learn how to relax with food and yet not let it control us. 

Speaking of problems---I wish someone would address different problems people bring to the idea of losing weight.  Sean and Laura--the 1500 cal super-successful (and wonderful) people, both talk about how the idea of dieting always felt super restrictive to them because to them dieting = eating food that they hated and never having the good stuff again.  Therefore 1500 cal really works because they get to eat ANYTHING--popcorn, pizza, ice-cream--ANYTHING, so they claim to not feel deprived, they get to have everything they love--just in small sizes.   I kind of identify with this--in high school I went on a stupid 800 cal diet for about three weeks and I still remember feeling great about my open-face bacon sandwiches on homemade bread. 

But my problem is a little more obnoxious I think, I've never been too bothered by "diet foods"  I LIKE fruits and veggies as well as everything else.  My problem is that I feel ENTITLED to eat anything I want as much as I want all the time and I feel deeply resentful at the thought of portion control.  My MIND understands (sort of) why I can't eat 10 slices of deep dish pizza everything with huge brownie sundaes and look like a super-model, but my HEART (and stomach) just don't get it. It feels ridiculous that I can't eat 5,000 cal a day if I want to and stay slim. My heart is still very much stuck in two-year old tantrum mode---but I want another cookie!!! NOW NOW NOW!!!  Sigh.  I'm working on it.  But I still haven't found the plan that will satisfy whatever it is that entitlement feeling is looking for.  WW isn't quite it---I'm kind of hoping I'll be the opposite of an anorexic girl I saw on TV once---her doctor was telling her parents that at all costs she simply had to gain 10-15 pounds so her body could begin to register that it wanted food.  I'm hoping that if I lose past a certain threshold, then my body will figure out that it doesn't really want all that fat and sugar.  

I had a bunch of points left for today and I'm sure I blew them all and then some. To my great annoyance, even though I could have slept in today, I was up at 7:15.  Catherine was annoyed because I woke her up while I was doing the dishes (that SHE should have done), so we were both crabby.  I took this crabby teenager shopping for graduation party supplies.  Wingers sounded good--figured we'd both be a whole lot less crabby if we weren't hungry.  I was right, but wingers wasn't the best possible choice. Again--I was crabby which is not a great mind set for self-discipline.  I had the fajitas--didn't eat all the sour-cream, cheese, guacamole or tortillas.  Only most of them. The rationale--which still carries some weight for me---is that skinny people do this too.  Occasionally skinny people will go out and eat too much of the wrong things.  The key word there is "occasionally".  I struggle with that word.  Again, I'm glad for the ww points system.  I hate it, but it's what I need and I'm enjoying the fact that the shorts I'm wearing today are really loose.

Oh---I rented Just Dance for the wii yesterday---wonderful fun!!!!!   

Friday, May 13, 2011

Where's 42???

Hey blogspot!! Where's my post 42? You said this morning stuff would be back.  Mostly I want to be sure that if zaababy (zaaisshrinking.blogspot.com) checks out my blog, she reads the nice things I said about her on post 42!!!  I hope it reappears---it was a long one.

Up two

43  An even 200
Aww phooey.  The two pounds are back that I took off last week.  Not surprising—I was expecting this, but I’m still irrationally disappointed.   At least there’s a good reason those pounds are here---a weekend vacation with plenty of food, and much less exercise than normal.   Happily, I’m feeling less resentful about it than usual.  I’m ready to go back on points, but I prophesy that I’ll be switching back and forth from core to points fairly regularly. 
SO—why did I finally post the dread weight today??  I’ve never been a fan of the reality—let’s blurt out everything in the world about ourselves movement.  I guess I have a little bit of old-fashioned dignity, which I see as a good thing.  HOWEVER—the honesty of other bloggers—Sean and Laura (of zaaisshrinking.blogspot.com), and those who have written books have been incredibly helpful to me.  It’s impossible to measure how much the written word has helped me in my life.  Okay then.  On the off-chance somebody every stumbles across this blog, maybe some openness might help them.   Actually, there might be more openness than anyone bargained for especially me.  I’ve been thinking I need to write out one emotional issue—my first thought was to put it in my private journal but then I got to thinking that silence has been a big problem in my history.  I sense that putting the real issues out there however personal would somehow be a healing thing to do.  So, we’ll see.  I know I need to write it out for sure.  Whether it gets posted…..well….we’ll see.   For today putting up numbers is scary enough. 
The first time I remember being really horrified by my weight was in second grade—I weighed 72 pounds!!!  Things only got worse.  I managed to never actually be the fattest kid in the class, but I was  always number two.  For me, the obesity epidemic came too late.  This was back in the 70’s.  Take a look at some old 70’s sitcoms and see how skinny everybody was!! By today’s standards I wasn’t all that fat—not fat at in fact!!  But it didn’t feel that way back then.  I have my mother’s german curves—a womanly figure, which is to die for now, but was horrible in junior high.  In high school, I was pressured to join the swim team.  I must have been about normal at 135 pounds and 5’7.  But I didn’t FEEL normal—and looking back at the swim team pictures I can objectively say that yes, I WAS the dumpiest one in the group.  I put on 20 lbs and graduated at about 155—my current dream weight—but it wasn’t a good dream then.  Slowly I put on more weight over the years.  In college I added  another 30 pounds over the years.  Got married and went to Japan.  That was bad weight-wise for both me and my husband.  We suddenly became sedentary and ate a lot of fried foods—that was scary—another  25 pounds in ONE year.  It never came off.   Pregnancy actually helped—I lost all desire for any kind of fat, sugar or salt and dropped a ton of weight to the fright of the doctors.  I had a hard time convincing them that I wasn’t doing anything stupid—but I wasn’t!!  My beautiful daughter was born healthy, and to my great surprise (and relief) was one of those women who was back in her pre-pregnancy jeans within a week.  I actually came out ahead by about 10 pounds.  If I had only had 6 more children….  Other than the Japan experience, my weight gain has been relatively slow.  The worst weight I ever saw on the scale was 228—very depressing because I didn’t weigh that much even when 9 months pregnant!!  I didn’t do anything about it other than occasional stabs at losing weight that never had any umph behind them. 
Eventually, I got completely fed-up with the diet industry and became the “rebel dieter”.  I wasn’t going to do anything stupid to go out of my way to gain weight, but neither was I going to try to lose it.  I was furious (still am) at programs like weight watchers who claim to have answers but offer no help to people to get to the place in their minds where they can tolerate living on such a plan.  I began to look at the things that made me mad (about 90 separate issues right off the bat) and began to work on those rather than working on fats or calories or whatever.  Doing that—which I still consider the REAL work of losing weight enabled me to drop back to the 196-198 range without dieting.  The catch was that it took me about 5 years.  And I’ve been stalled at this level for a long time (a couple of years in fact).  I went overboard last Christmas and went back up to 208 where I stayed for the months it took until I began this blog.  As you know, if you’ve been unfortunate enough to read this far, I tried the Lean and Free program which just didn’t work.  Too much freedom I think.   So, I’ve joined weight watchers—with great reluctance, but with hope too---not hope that they have the answers—and the meetings still drive me crazy to the point where I’m literally better off not going---but with hope that I have made enough mental progress that I CAN accept at every level, that losing weight means work and that that’s okay.  I’m using ww in the same way that a person with a broken leg uses crutches.  I hope that someday I’ll be strong enough to not to need ww.  But I’m doing a lot of thinking (without the help of ww who doesn’t seem interested in helping) about how I’ll handle life at goal weight.  What I need to do every day for the rest of my life---what I can play with till I find what works.  I’m determined that I won’t get to goal weight and then celebrate by going out for pizza and putting it all back on. 
For now,  using the 208 as the official starter—I’m down 8 pounds.  And happily something else is down too—which is nice on a week when the weight went up---my triglycerides are down!  They’ve been steadily increasing over the past few years—at last check up they were around 220 (they’re supposed to be less than 149).  This year’s check up they were at 176!  It’s exciting to think what next year will bring.
The dates are working out funny and very apt too.  I happened to join WW on April Fools, and now I’m revealing my weight  on Friday the 13th.  Life has poetry about it, no doubt. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Feeling better


The forty-one means 41 days since I began weight-watchers on April Fools.  I've been reluctant to put up the number for fear that I'll quit at any minute.  I'm still not at all sure that I won't quit--after all, I've never succeeded before. But what's the worst that can happen? I'll vanish from this blog for however long and then come back someday with a new day one.  It's not like anybody is out there reading this.  Putting up the days helps me keep track on where I am with Sean's blog (losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com) and it's like a mini-celebration in itself.  I've been working hard for 41 days already! That IS success.

Yea!  Feeling better and am drug-free (except for the daily allegra).  It hasn't exactly stopped raining, but it paused long enough for me to walk to work.  It felt good to move a little bit!  Feeling a little better emotionally too---I made some phone calls I really needed to make yesterday and it helped.  Food-wise I'm doing fine, but I don't trust the idea yet that I can be full and still lose weight. This week will be a poor measure--I was off track over the weekend and I've been sick and mostly non-exercising without reducing my in-take.  I just plain like to eat. 

I like to eat is such an obvious statement, but one that's overlooked I think. I love to think about what I want (an oatmeal peanut-butter bar with chocolate frosting--11 pts for a small piece), and then WITHOUT worrying about consequences--make it and enjoy as much as I want of it!(try a 44 or 55 pt serving!)  I love to graze on high-fat nuts and chocolate then have meals with lots of butter and dressings and cheese.  Any diet just plain interferes with what I want to do and it interferes every hour of every day.  I haven't been particuarly hungry this week--but I've still wanted to eat.  This is the addiction.  How does one learn to not want all the food?  I have some ideas---about 90 of them if I ever get my book published, but even still it is just plain hard.  Who enjoys self-denial?  And yet, even as I type this I can sense some healing going on---I have been enjoying the food I love. I can make the peanut butter bars anytime I like.  It's nice to think that the food I eat is actually helping me, not harming me.  I like the sensation of eating with an eye toward rewarding my long suffering body with vitamins, and fiber and all the things it's long been denied.  But that constant gnawing desire is still back there "eat this, eat this, eat this, eat this." It's only tht for the last 41 days that voice hasn't been so loud that I couldn't tune it out.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

a little rough

Yesterday was a little rough---but only a little.  I am still sick--although sleeping for 10 hours last night really helped! So, I was down physically, but also emotionally.  We went to SLC for mother's day which gave me an opportunity to see first hand again that my sweet little nephew is in real trouble.  My sister has been in real trouble for many years. So, what if anything, can I do about it? A scary question because I don't want to take on the responsibilty of the answer. I feel as though what's needed is a really good person to spend 24/7 for several years probably and since I can't do that, I hate to do anything, because it's painful for me and I think it's of limited value to them.  Still, the worst thing is to see disaster and know that I didn't even try to help.  This is very familiar emotional ground--usually I just feel bad and eat.  Well, I'm not eating so the feelings are that much worse.  But even still, it wasn't that awful not grazing.  It's helpful to remember that it's only my mind that wants the food not my body.  And it was helpful that I wasn't hungry.  I'm liking this core plan more and more. Yesterday I only wanted to use 4 points---1 for butter and 3 for an almond joy.  Today I'm up to 2 points--butter again, and olives on my salad. If I ever get to feeling better I get activity points again---it would help if it would stop raining!

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Pause on the road

Ok, the trip to Lava hot springs and mother's day is behind me, and I'm back on track.  All things considered, I don't think I did all that badly---it's not like I went bananas and inhaled everything in sight.  This pause basically amounted to three really bad meals---the bacon cheeseburger---the greek platter and the rouladen dinner.  This is still a huge step forward--normally I would have had 9 or 10 really bad meals plus a lot of high calorie grazing in between.  I did do some grazing, but again, not crazy.  Being sick has helped I'm sure. 

Happily, I'm ok getting back on the wagon.  I'm excited--or as excited as I can be through this pleghm filled haze--about success.  I'm telling myself that a two and a half day break will not undo 37 days of hard work.  And it won't.  Not getting back on track will undo it though. 

I'm also going back to tracking on the ww site.  Even though I'm on the core plan--I can just call breakfast 29 points and then it will let me put in the points for anything else.  I also like writing in what I'm eating.  I think it makes me feel as though I'm making concrete progress when I do that. I can't see weight drop off every day.  But I can see what I'm doing every day.  Plus, I get to put in my 2 lb loss.  The ww site does that right--there's a little graph and the ww people smartly make sure that any loss results in a steep downward line.  So, off I go now to put my numbers in.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


Fabulous time in lava hot springs.  I don't think it's changed from what I vaguely remember almost 40 years ago.  Population is 521.  Our hotel was old and delightfully shabby with old world charm. The pools were hot hot hot!  One of them so hot we couldn't even get in.  It felt wonderful on my poor sinuses.  I have definitely caught something.  Not that it's interfering with my appetite at all.  This is the first time in 37 days I've been completely off plan. We left Ogden about 5:30--and let me tell you there isn't much by way of food between here and lava hot springs!! We were almost there when we finally found a restaraunt at 7:30!  I was starving AND on vacation.  I didn't even look at the part of the menu for "lighter appetites."  I had a bacon cheeseburger with tater tots, a side salad with blue cheese dressing (a rip-off at $3.29) and an order of hot wings. Felt fabulous.  We found our hotel, stewed in the hotpots then went out for late night ice-cream.  I had a small sundae--at least I didn't eat the hot-fudge.  It had been cooking all day and wasn't even liquid anymore--it just came off in one thick skin.  For breakfast this morning I had a really good quiche with sundried tomatoes and spinach--I'm sure the piecrust was loaded with fat, and then for lunch I had a gyro platter at the mall (surprisingly great greek food there), the best I can say about that is that at least I didn't eat all the fries.   Mother's Day is tomorrow and I feel totally without energy.  I'm supposed to walk for three hours this weekend and I want to, but the thought of doing a three hour walk, THEN going to church ,THEN going to Salt Lake is completely overwhelming.  I'll see how I feel I guess. I doubt I'll be roaring with energy, but maybe I can do a little wii or walk the 5k if it's a nice day.  I'm not especially inspired to  behave myself with food tomorrow either. But whatever happens I'll be back on the core plan on Monday.  Dave is shopping right now for some core-friendly recipies.  One glitch on the core plan is that it's difficult to track on the ww site. Going on that site everyday and logging in all my food and exercise is a big part of staying accountable.  However, fun as it is to eat off plan, I'm actually excited to get back on track on Monday---I like success!!!  In diets past I've NEVER been very successful, mostly because the diets were so horrible (the old ww plan!) that I couldn't stay on them. I still don't get why going off plan even a little completely killed the weight-loss, but it did.  This time I've already lost 10 pounds!  I felt great at lava---I'm still way too heavy to wear a swimsuit well, but the important thing was that I felt sleek and slim.  I can't wait to see where I'll be when we go to Aruba at the end of June.  Right now I feel like I'll lose 20 pounds in sinus discharge alone.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Down 10 pounds!

Hey!!  Down TWO pounds this week for a total of 10!! I'm almost down to what I think I weigh anyway. Actually, anything after this point is exciting--and it feels really good even now.  My clothes fit again and I think my legs feel a little sleeker.  Only 43 pounds to go.  That doesn't sound too bad.  At the one WW meeting I went to they showed an anatomically correct pound of fat.

 I've seen it before, but this time it hit me more forcibly-losing (or gaining) just one pound or even a half of a pound is a BIG deal.  Every one of those 43 pounds will have a noticable impact on my appearance, and on my overall body function.  So!  Carry on I will. 

I'm still under the weather today, but I'm pretty sure it's allergies.  I slept much better than I expected to and don't feel quite as exhausted.  Unfortunately, I have my annual check-up this afternoon which means fasting for the blood work.  This is probably a bad day to fast when I already feel low energy, but I'll survive.  At least, unlike a religious fast, I can have water. Thank heavens it's Friday.  Tonight just me and Dave are driving up to lava hot springs---sitting in a hot mineral tub sounds fantastic just now.  We'll have a nice dinner somewhere--WITH dessert!  Man, I hit a sugar wall yesterday. The core plan is distinctly lacking in sugar and refined foods.  It didn't bother me much until yesterday. I had wanted to save points for dessert after dinner, but was dying for a dessert--I looked through the cookbooks and decided I was too tired to make anything anyway and just had a snickers egg which I'm calling two points.  It did the trick.  The other really helpful thing is diet hot chocolate.  Love that stuff--25 calories and I add light whipping cream.  It's super helpful because it takes a relatively long time to drink it, so I'm "engaged with food" for a satisfying amount of time.  I won't pig out after the fast today, but I will have what I want for dinner.  Tomorrow breakfast and lunch might be off-plan, but dinner can be on.  I have to get a three hour walk in this weekend and it'll probably be Sunday--which is good because that is Mom's rouladen dinner.  After that it's back on the core plan for the rest of the week.  Here's to success!!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I have officially caught cold. I have an eye appt at  10:00 and I think I might wimp out and go home after that.  I've got loads of sick time. It's not that I feel so bad, I'm just so tired.  Maybe if I go home I can throw it off more quickly--maybe I just don't feel like being at work. 

Food-wise I'm going strong. Open house at work featured platters of loft-house cookies and fruit.  I had a little fruit. I think I'll stay on this core plan for one more week.  I'm liking feeling full.  I like having a bowl of cream of wheat cereal with milk and then also having a glass of milk on the side.  Yesterday was nice--Dave and C fixed dinner which gave me a chance to mow the lawn (I'm weird, I like mowing the lawn and shoveling snow--vacuuming, not so much).  Then I saw Sis. Mead which was a nice start to easing my guilt about the neglected people in my life. Maybe someday soon I'll start doing something about my neglected family--that's where the real guilt lies.

I just told Jennifer I'm sick. I can't wait to go home and just sleep.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Fake cheese and fake brownies

AAAck!! ICK!! The nachos I've been so looking forward to were a MAJOR disappointment last night!--This is largely due to the fake fat-free cheese I tried to make it with.  I was so so enchanted with the idea that I could have as much cheese as I wanted that I actually bought a bag of shedded mozzerella fat-free cheese.  It doesn't melt, it doesn't taste--it only glued the chips to the plate.  Never again.  Are there really people out there who think this stuff is good? I feel sorry for them---how sad to lose real cheese!  It's my favorite food.

It's the number one thing I miss whenever I try to lose weight.  I haven't yet figured out the way to deal with cheese in a reasonable way.  I have 3 pts (just one ounce) of the real thing cut up on my salad today, but I miss having chunks of losts of  kinds every day.  I guess I can save up points and have cheese and crackers, but I don't always feel free to save points for something like that because I need them for those darn exceptions that keep popping up.  This week for example, has our anniversary celebration (going to lava hot-springs on friday and staying overnight) and mother's day on Sunday (mom's rouladen).  I'm not going to go diet-bananas on our mini-trip. I'm going to try and eat like any person who weighs my ideal weight would eat---so to my mind that means if the continental breakfast features doughnuts or muffins I'll have one--especially if there isn't anything else available.  Rouladen-wise---there is no help for this dish, I'll make a stab at moderation, but these have the perfect fat/salt combo that will trigger every physical addiction that I've got.  Do my best and back to the plan on Monday is about the best I can promise.

In the meantime I have a sore throat (no wonder I was feeling tired and unmotivated yesterday), and I'm feeling guilty about chuch work. I'm in the RS presidency and I've been sitting like a bump on a log doing as little as possible, and not even that very well. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed, and I've let people down.  I hate contracting obligations that I'm not prepared to follow through on and so disappoint people.  I need to learn to do small acts of service without giving the impression that I am going to be there forever.  I need to see Bonnie---struggles with major suicidal depression--I know it, and I still haven't really seen in her over 2 months, Verna Mead--heart problems will likely die in this next year--I did great seeing her in the nursing home, but haven't seen her since I've been home.  Call Lindsey--she's the new head of the 'friendship committee' and should have had some direction from me two weeks ago.  See Tammy--mom of the boy who killed himself, and THEN I should do my visiting teaching--I WANT to see Kay, she's a talker, but I really enjoy her and would love to get to know her.  Sigh.  I ought to go to the temple too. This just clears out the personal obligations.  Church work begins after I get this stuff in order.  I need to just chip away at this like the Aruba stuff (I did manage to do some Aruba chipping yesterday).  Today I can drop in on Verna and call Lindsey.  Catherine is graduating and there are parties and family to organize and the stupid green car is on the blink again--not an expensive fix, but everything is more than we can afford just now.  So, I'm feeling overwhelmed--probably more so than usual because I don't have food as a fall back.  Maybe this is a good thing though.  Visit-wise I ought to feel guilty and not mask the feeling so that I will actually DO something about it.  So, I will do my best to repent---but not with the "aid" of fake cheese!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

stress eating

 Today's challenge is going to be stress eating.  I've got to get this presentation together for Aruba and I feel really lost as to how to go about it. On the one hand it seems sort of simple--I only need to speak for half an hour on the other hand Dave keeps telling me I need to do all this research and figure out my statistics (no IDEA how to do that!).  It's important to me not to embarrass him--also be nice not to embarrass myself.  But I don't want to burden him too much with this because he's also doing Catherine's presentation as well as his own.  Dr. Fowler, my advisor on this project, is on sabbatical--and I'd be reluctant to bother her anyway because she already went way beyond the call of duty to get this thing approved in the first place and to help get the IRB approval for the survey (a collosal pain in the behind).  Plus, at this stage with the trip next month, I'd be embarrassed to confess how little I've done.  SO--today I will do.....SOMETHING!!  When I feel this way food is the number one thing I use to relieve anxiety.  Well, the number two---happily the number one thing is to do something about what's causing the anxiety.  SO--really, what will I do?  I'm going to call some of the people for interviews.  I'm going to look up the articles Zsuzsi suggested, I'm going to read at least one other article that's on my desk. I can begin to do some simple statistics---what percentage did this or that.  Ok.  There is plenty I CAN do.  Course, I don't want to do any of it, but I'll feel a whole lot better when I do. Just do a little bit every day right?  Finals are over.  The mural project is in (have I mentioned that one? much more on that topic if it comes through.)  I've got the carrots going--but it's not going to be enough.  I'll need the microwave popcorn too.

Food-wise---going well!!  Tomato sauce and tomato paste are on the core plan, but I wasn't sure about canned spaghetti sauce.  We went to Walmart (hate walmart) right after work, got Catherine's graduation pics, some flowers for the front so our house looks a little less like a war zone, and didn't get home until 6:45.  All of us hungry--but I had spaghetti from scratch on the table in less than 1/2 an hour!  Go mom!  Afterward I planted the pansys and practiced my neglected harp.  All productive and necessary, but I know full well I'm neglecting the Aruba research.  I'm also stressed about money.  C's graduation has been a money bleed and we're about bled dry. Still, she's my only child and I WANT her to have a new dress and a grad party and go out to a nice lunch for graduation.  I too was an only child for 10 years and I'm spoiled enough to want what I want and to heck with the consequences---also something I take out in food, because I really can't go completely crazy with money.

Anyway---wonderful breakfast--cream of wheat (love that) with fresh blackberries courtesy of Mom.  I would eat that breakfast whether or not I'm trying to lose weight, so it's an exceptionally good one for me.  Then a walk to work on a gorgeous morning---saw 7 new ducklings at the pond!  Leftover spaghetti for lunch and Nachos for dinner.  Hooray for comfort food.

Monday, May 2, 2011


Love fast Sundays.  Again, the point is not to be a glutton as soon as you get to eat, but it does feel good to eat and know that pretty much anything is ok.  Had a terrific "core plan" dinner----steak, two kinds of shrimp, grilled onions, corn and sweet potatoes.  The idea is that I can use my 49 pts for the stuff that's not on the plan like steak sauce and butter.  I'm sure I went over my daily 7 pts--I deliberately ate a scone (5)--that was planned---the 2 hershey's kisses, the extra cookies (they were small though!) were not,  Not worried about it though.  Like I said, it was fast Sunday.  Today I have first class leftovers for lunch and am thoroughly enjoying the idea of not being hungry---that said, darn it, I AM hungry right now!  And lunch isn't for two more hours.  It's ok though, I'll have a banana, and a BIG lunch (if I'm hungry enough to eat it all) and I can have seconds or thirds at dinner (spaghetti) if I want and have some popcorn tonight too.  Let's see...2 points for butter on morning toast and garlic wasa's, 1 pt for salad dressing, 3 pts for oil on the popcorn (olive oil is a ww idea that's really good--I'm a convert) and 2-4 for either a reeses egg or a snickers egg.  Total 8-10 pts.  Ok--I have activity points too---and I'm not at all sure I'll eat both the popcorn and the chocolate.  It's just nice to know I can. 

Two good comments about weight watchers for a change I love that they have two plans--I don't see the core plan being a very practical option for the long run, but at least it's here as a fall back and to mix things up a little. Also, kudos to them for rolling out a new program at all--they make bazillions of dollars and I'm impressed that even though they're the industry leader and could just sit back and say they have it figured out, they still spend the money to try to improve their program.

Lastly, my clothes fit again which feels great, and Mom asked if I'd lost weight---I guess my face is a little thinner.   

Sunday, May 1, 2011

All hail the queen

Another sloppy finish to the week, but still overall not bad--perhaps even a good thing.  Perfectionism trips me up a lot and being a little imperfect without giving up entirely is something important to practice.  Wasn't very hungry for breakfast so ate lightly, had a good lunch then walked a 5K---wanted a snickers egg and had the points--but realized that an apple would be a better choice, especially considering that I didn't quite know what to expect later on.   Munched on the apple as I walked and was proud of myself.  It really is an actual and possible choice to choose an apple.  Strange thought! This will take a lot of practice.

The challenge for the day was William and Catherine's wedding (of royal fame).  I like British royalty and so does Dad. I wanted to spend a little time with him and told him I would come down with scones and strawberries to watch some belated wedding footage with him.  Christine said she'd make stuff too.  We got down there and as usual, nobody was prepared--Christine didn't get the message we were coming and didn't think to call us to double check, Dad had just gone to take a nap. Christine needed time to prepare---so me and C went to the church history museum for a little while.  We were both starving and didn't think there would be much by way of non-dessert food, so we had a 6 in Subway.  I think it was a good decision.  Christine did make some sandwiches after all but they were pretty high fat.  We both enjoyed moderate amounts of everything and had a good time.

Today is fast  Sunday--I'm really looking forward to tonight's dinner (steak and shrimp) and also this whole week--I'm trying the core plan---limited food choices but I get to eat as much as I want of them!  No hunger this week!!!