Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Friday, January 30, 2015

Ezekiel bread

Kudos for Ezekiel bread and eating real food. I'm much better, and last night had a craving for raspberry chewie bars--these are fully loaded catastrophes at 280 cal for 1/16 of a nine inch pan.  This morning I thought I wanted a little one with my breakfast, but after two slices of ezekiel bread, milk and oj, I was done. I put back the chewie bar, not because I should but because I honestly didn't want it.

That's great on two levels! One, that I didn't eat it, and two, that I didn't make myself eat it anyway out of sheer pigheadedness.

Thursday, January 29, 2015


Definitely better! I irrationally think that my clothes should be looser than they are. I don't know though that calorically, I've really eaten all that much less. Today, I didn't choose wisely for lunch--but they have a new grill upstairs, and they ARE good. At least I ordered the small waffle fries. Anyway--I didn't follow my plan at all this week, which was fine. I followed my body instead. The only reason I have a plan at all is because under normal circumstances I find it very difficult to eat reasonably. I'll have to make a conscious effort tomorrow (Friday). So this next week, I'll just recycle last week's plan.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Such is life

Wow. I'm sicker than I thought. Yesterday I lost my appetite altogether. The thing is that I really hate it when that happens--here I was, with license (sort of) to eat anything I wanted and a house stuffed full of good food and I didn't want it! In a few days I will want all of it but not be able to have it. Still, what I did eat, I didnt make very good choices of, but I ate what my body ordered in more or less. Today, I feel better and I'm making better choices. I had blueberries and cottage cheese for breakfast. I think I'll have street tacos for lunch and a long nap. The important thing though is that I'm working on counseling for all of us. Scary stuff for me, but it's getting done and the Lord is making things go.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Doing well---or sick

Darn it! I thought I'd been doing so well---and I have, but I think a major reason I have been doing well is that I've had a massive head cold coming on which must have suppressed my appetite a little. I'll take what help I can get, but i wish it had all been me.

Seriously though. I think there is a real difference between people who are naturally thin and those of us who have to fight. I really think the naturally thin people feel like I did yesterday. I'm not at all nauseous and feel just fine stomach-wise, but I just wasn't all that interested in food. I felt hungry at meal times. I ate what I liked--which was a moderate amount, and then was done. I made cookies. I had one. ONE. Later, I had another, but it wouldn't have been a big deal to skip it. That has to be what thin people feel like all the time. It would be amazing to go through life like that!!

I'm going to have faith that in the next life, whatever is out of balance here is going to be corrected and I WILL feel like that all the time. I always picture heaven as a place of amazing food where I can eat whatever I like. But surely heaven isn't a place of out of control Romen-esqe style gluttony. That is not a very beautiful picture. I will continue to fight the good fight here and hope for relief someday.

Friday, January 23, 2015


I posted this on facebook yesterday

Darn it! I've torn my meniscus in two places and the surgery sounded wonderful---fix the tears, clean up some of the arthritis, take out a random floating piece of cartilidge, But the surgeon took an x-ray and my arthritis is too far gone. He thinks it might not be my meniscus that's bothering me--apparently most people with knees like mine have tears, but that I aggravated the arthritis. He didn't think surgery would help that much and wanted to try a steroid shot first. Darn it. I've had those shots before--they DO help, but I'm having a hard time believing it'll help in this case which feels different. Besides, those shots really hurt!

Last night was indeed tough, but it's much better now. Not as good as it was before I got the shot, but I'm on the right road. I went to harp lesson anyway last night to take my mind off of it and it really worked! Not only was I not thinking about my leg, but I played really, really well. The focus made all the difference. Perhaps my teacher should give me a hard smack with a baseball bat before each lesson.

Yesterday's 1500 cal was surprisingly easy. I don't know if being in pain helped or what, but the roast beef sandwich and baked chips from Subway held me just fine until dinner. Dinner was a rich stew with a potato and the only reason I finished was because the day's calories were already so low, I didn't want to shut down my metabolism by starving. So I finished the stew and afterward made a lemon torte with raspberries for work, but I cheated, and skimmed some off for a dessert for me and Dave. I need to make this more often. Super satisfying and very few calories. It's only fault is that it isn't chocolate. But I guess all food can't be chocolate. 

I've also been thinking about diets in general and my own seemingly aimless journey. Here's an analogy: If a person's eating problems are like a broken car--that person might fix the engine and the car still wont run, the transmission no, the clutch, not yet, the battery--it's making noises but still no, and so on and on and on until everything is fixed except the starter and then they fix the starter and Hooray!!!  The diet engine runs! It was so simple, just this little wire in the starter that's all it was all along!! And off the person goes to write a book. And that person is right. It WAS the starter--and all the other stuff too.

Hopefully my journey has been all about fixing the car.

Thursday, January 22, 2015


Carrying on and doing fine. I'll try to do better writing down the food because it helps me to see it. Today I'm a little freaked out because I had a flavor point and a hungry girl day back to back and today is 1500 cal??? YIKES!!! Part of me is yelling, YOU CAN'T DO IT!!! YOU'RE GOING TO STAAAAARVE!!!.  Ummm, yes I can do it. And it won't even be that hard. For breakfast I had a slice of healthy bread (100 cal and I like it), with chocolate peanut butter powder stuff. It's not as good as PB2, but good enough and I really got a lot for 50 cal. I also had some milk, some juice and a cherry poptart. Total---450 cal. Lunch will be at Subways, and I have a Jamican stew in the crock pot waiting for me at home for dinner. It's going to be okay even though I haven't earned any exercise calories. I feel good too, I don't know if I've lost any actual weight, but I've lost the Christmas bloat and that feels wonderful.

Thanks again Hollie for pointing out that I'm already a success. It's much easier to build on success than it is to dig yourself out of a hole.

Yesterday: A hungry girl day

Breakfast--mega fruit and yogurt bowl--about a cup of blueberries, 2/3 c plain yogurt, splenda, 1/4 c fiber one cereal and 12 almonds. Really filling.

Lunch--a ginormous salad with chicken and oil and balsamic vinegar dressing. A slice of bread with I can't believe it's not butter.

Snack: 3 big pappadew peppers stuffed with feta cheese with balsamic vinegar.

Dinner: Miracle noodles (zero cal) with melted laughing cow cheese and light sourcream, with a big helping of chicken and green beans.

Dessert: a cashew coconut qwest bar and diet hot chocolate with whipped cream.

So---hardly starving, but those days do take some planning and cooking.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015


Ooooof. I'll have to be careful with zero point soup when veggies are also on the menu for dinner. As I've mentioned before, there's a real limit to how many veggies I can eat. I wish there was a limit on the amount of bread and cheese I can eat, but that seems to be pretty much unlimited.

But I'm still doing well--with trying to eat better that is---I officially have a torn meniscus. Which makes me glad I got the MRI, and makes me feel better about being such a wuss about exercise.

Yesterday was walnut day, and I had some zero-point soup around 4 to tide me over until dinner. Dinner was quite tasty, but it was veggies. Stuffed portobello mushroom with a bean and tomato salad. I could have also had a wilted spinach salad and had the bean salad over greens, but--no way. I was well and truly done with veggies.  The baked apple was quite good.

Today is a Hungry Girl day. This has been quite a bit easier. I did have a big salad for lunch, but breakfast was a big bowl of berries and yogurt, snack of popcorn and dinner will be miracle noodles with cheese and chicken. Dessert will be a hopefully dense Qwest bar.

I'm going to see the orthopedic specialist tomorrow. So I have a guilt-free no exercise day today--although I did take a lap around the duck pond and went up to the library twice.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Pretty good weekend

I've got to be careful of those "doing great" posts. Apparently they usually mean that a crash is right around the corner. But even still, things aren't too bad. This past weekend was Martin Luther King day. Meaning days off and a Catherine visit--usually a recipe for disaster, but I was okay overall! Saturday was the worst. It was a vegetarian day, which usually isn't a problem, but all I wanted to do on Saturday was to eat meat. I didn't go out of my way to pig out during the day, but in the evening, we dropped C off at the train station and continued on to go to Crystal Hot Springs stopping for dinner along the way. It was a diner, and I suppose I could have made a good choice, but I was hungry and just plain didn't want to.  I ordered biscuits with sausage gravy, scrambled eggs and hashbrowns.

BUT--I got right back on the wagon. I didn't have a problem sticking to the calorie count on Sunday, but I did yesterday. The difference was probably the soup. We ate the last of it on Sunday. I made the mexican version of it yesterday, but it wasn't finished during the day when I was hungry. I had a bowl with dinner and it really helped.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of being hungry. You'd think I had a starved childhood or something. Far from it. Anyway, today is "Walnut Day" and I brought along some soup just in case.

I'm still struggling with exercise, although Dave and I did walk on both Sat and Sun. The struggle is a lame excuse. I CAN walk and BIKE and do the wii and do upper body stuff with the kettlebells, I've just been lazy.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Doing great!

WOW! I am doing great. It's been an emotionally heavy week with family--which may have helped, because they are real appetite killers. But even still---I feel good physically, I've made loads of good choices, and haven't felt unduly stressed by eating so "little" food. Last night I discovered that I like fried ham. And ham does NOT have that many calories! It's surprising. Big hams like at Christmas and Easter, I can take or leave, but last night I made some homemade mac and cheese out of the cooking light cookbook (pretty good), and I fried up some of the leftover ham that was in thin slices (a spiral cut one)--WOW--how have I missed that all my life??? Not quite bacon, but pretty darn tasty!

At the end of the night last night I had enough calories left to have a full serving of 13 of the dark chocolate, sugar, sea-salt almonds and some hot chocolate. Wonderful.

Today is high-fiber. I'm trying not to abuse it as much as I did last week. I had a normal cereal and some fruit for breakfast, ate some of a huge pear for lunch, actually measured and calculated how much popcorn is worth, and had some mac and cheese for lunch (with ww noodles to help fiber count).  Although, I technically could have my beloved pan crust for pizza tonight, I'm opting for the normal crust with a whole lot fewer cal.

One thing I did NOT do was to weigh myself. NO. I am genuinely doing great. I don't want to upset things if I didn't lose a bunch. If I carry on like this eventually, I will lose a bunch.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Continues easy

This is nice. I'm hungry, but weirdly don't mind. Somehow I'm feeling more relaxed, and more like what I'm doing is eating normally and not this huge burdensome effort. I think a couple things are contributing to this.

First, ice-cream. I've had some goodies this week--starting with the crazy huge brownie last Sunday. Last night was fun. We went to the temple and for the first time went to Farr's ice-cream right next to the temple. It has a fun Disney-like happy atmosphere, and was filled with the people we just went to the temple with. I had a small caramel caribou sundae which was simply great.

Second--free food. Today is a 1600 day. I'm a little hungry just now sitting at the desk, but I've discovered that it's not being hungry that bothers me so much, it's being hungry and then just having a small amount of food to look forward to that I don't believe will fill me up that bothers me. Today I have a lean pocket pizza and a cabbage salad. I know from experience that this is not terribly filling. But today that's ok. If I like, I have both zero point soup and also a big hunk of butternut squash. That will certainly get me to dinnertime with reasonable happiness.

The other thing that's really helping is my own pre-made calorie counts. I don't have many made yet, but I've already used the file several times. Today to look at the cabbage salad, the other day to look at leftover spaghetti for lunch. I'm LOVING this. This is my own food. I eat this stuff all the time, in these certain specific combinations---spaghetti, peas, garlic bread for example. I'm loving not having to look up every little thing all the time. When I was preparing lunch today I made up a card for this lunch--it's a simple lunch--pizza pocket and salad, but it will be great to just take a quick a look and know see what it's worth.

Dave works late tonight. I plan to take advantage of the time and exercise and practice harp.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Odd, easy day

Weird not to be struggling today. It's a 1500 cal day which usually freaks me out, but they're not that bad! I'm comfortable with 1800--but even on those days I usually EAT about 1500-1600 cal of real food and the rest is dessert. So all a 1500 cal day means is skip dessert. Not a big deal. Still, it's nice that today feels easy. It was one of those times when I felt that I had loads of calories to play with. A big help is the zero point soup and also the free butternut squash.

I'm using the WW freebies with caution. I'm counting fruit. Veggies, I'm not worrying about too much especially on lite 1500 cal days. Other days I might count it.

Overall, I'm feeling really good. Physically and emotionally too. I feel as if I'm doing good work in the eat right world without going too crazy. Yesterday was 1700 I think. I reserved 700 for the RS "lite dinner." They served waffles--worse, with nutella. I was delighted. I LOVE nutella. They also served big bowls of fruit. I figured one waffle was no problem. I really wanted another--that would have been a problem. I compromised and got another 1/2. Besides the nutella, I loaded it up with blackberries and blueberries.  Still, it was a calorie dense meal, but I'm not too worried about it. It was a good effort.

Right now, I'm in the happy place of needing to eat some spaghetti. I had cream of wheat with blueberries for breakfast, and then I misread my schedule, so I ate my "snack" of a big serving of zero point asian soup, now it's nearly 2 and technically, I haven't had lunch. So, I'll eat spaghetti, and maybe the butternut squash and banana, but certainly the melba toast (I love melba toast) and laughing cow cheese. I made Korean beef barbecue last night. With all that I still have plenty of room to get some ice-cream after we go to the temple tonight. Nice.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Too many vegetables

Phew, there is such a thing as too many vegetables. I had a huge salad (a very good one) for lunch, had a minor family crisis and lost my appetite for dinner. Ate it anyway. A fajita "tostada," Dave loved it. It was just vegetables and then chicken with some fajita mix on them, wrapped in foil and baked. Topping was an avacado, some tomato with lime juice and garlic. Next time I'll just bake the veggies and fry up the chicken a little better. We had it with baked tortilla chips. Good, but I'm glad today is a normal day. I could have had a luna bar yesterday, but I truly didn't have the appetite for it.

Today I had a thin bagel, milk and a banana for breakfast, and will have thin pizza with popcorn and feta stuffed strawberries for lunch. Also a luna bar for a snack. This all adds up to a surprising amount, but it leaves me 700 cal to eat a "lite" dinner at Relief Society tonight.

Exercise continues to be a problem with terrible weather and a dicey leg. Actually, the leg is the question of the day. The last few nights it's hurt enough to keep me up at night in spite of a prescription. Last night it felt better--so much better that I didn't take the prescription. My leg is tired and sore, but it finally feels normal. So do I get the MRI for it on Saturday? I'm going to try some major walking tomorrow and see how it goes.

Monday, January 12, 2015


I fasted yesterday, so I didn't bother to count calories for dinner. We had steak and shrimp and oven fries. I forgot to make a vegetable so we had a little of the asian zero point soup too. Not bad stuff! The thing that was a mistake was my famous coco, coconut brownies. I made half a recipe so there wouldn't be leftovers--that's good. We split what I made in two and ate that. That's bad. I bit the bullet and looked up the calories. 160 per 1/16 of the pan. I ate 1/4 of a pan. PLUS I add nuts, coconut and chocolate chips. I estimate what I ate yesterday was 700 cal. I'd like to think that if I had known that I would have been more careful about counting--yesterday was supposed to be 1500 cal. Actually, it probably wasn't too far off of that even with the brownie. But still, in the spirit of trying to eat right, that much brownie is ridiculous and I knew that perfectly well before I ate it.

On the bright side, I didn't like the way that brownie made me feel. Sugar crash big time. Next time, 1/2 of that brownie will still be more than plenty psychologically and will alas, still be a big calorie hit.

Today is a Hungry Girl day. I'm officially disappointed in her diet book. She has GREAT recipes, but the recipes in her book are repetitive and not really my favorites---lots of salads and stuff like chow mein. I'm still going to keep HG days in the mix though. They are low calorie and BIG portions which I love. Today's oatmeal had apples, walnuts and pumpkin. It was very good. I'll have a huge salad for lunch with the flaming chicken from the other night. Snacks are almonds, string cheese, caramel rice cakes (like those!), Dinner is a weird portobello, chicken tostada. Hopefully, Smiths will have 1 more portobello. Actually, if I like tonight's dinner that will help my attitude about the HG book quite a bit. The meals are interchangeable.

Now, I'm going to look up the calorie count for Einstein's bagels. I'm guess 500-600 for a big bagel? My boss brought some in today to celebrate the first day of school. I'm not eating any today, but maybe tomorrow? With schmear of course. I love bagels. I wish they were lower cal and more filling though. I'll live if I decide not to have one.


That Catherine sounded so happy last night!!
The power of fasting
Gorgeous post on love on facebook
That I get to take classes here
That winter driving hasn't been an issue so far
That Major Fest is coming together
Enough money to buy stuff like shrimp
That we managed to go to SLC and not spend any money

Saturday, January 10, 2015

small meals

I did not eat the sodexo cookie yesterday. Score one! Today's been kind of a fun food day,  helped a lot because we're broke after Christmas. For breakfast I had some cream of wheat and blueberries--195 cal is all. When Dave came home form shopping I had some melba toast and laughing cow cheese. He wanted to get out of the house and take the train to SLC. So we packed a lunch and did. I had a banana on the way down, a ham and swiss sandwich while there, and a luna bar on the way home. Now I'm ready to make that yummy chicken salad, with baked chips and zero point queso dip. I love feeling like good food is ahead. Tomorrow will be good too. I'm fasting during the day, but I got shrimp to have with our steak and I'll make my favorite brownies.

Grateful today for:

The pioneers
extravagent stores like Utah Woolen Mills
Blue skies (today was gray)
a warm house
a warm and comfy bed
a warm and comfy husband.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Not so bad

Based soley on the scale I didn't get anywhere this week. I shouldn't have weighed in. But I'm not as bothered as I usually am. This week saw some good changes--I DID reign it in. I DID stick to the plan---still lots of carbs and poor choices, but lots more good choices too, overall much less sugar, a little more exercise and a trip to the doctor to look at my leg--MRI scheduled a week from tomorrow. That's all good and that's what counts.

I'm excited for this week. A friend sent a great looking salad with sricha-lime chicken and avocados, and I'm going to make the chinese zero point soup. Exercise is problematic--my leg really is hurt and my right hand does too which makes lifting things like kettlebells difficult. But really, it's the leg. Still, I'm able to walk--and did this morning. And I can ride the stationary bike and swim. I'm in the mood to plan next week, and I'm loving adding to my file of calorie planned meals. I added spaghetti and my cabbage salad staple last night. Tonight I'll look up and add some of my favorite Papa Murphys pizza.

The temptation of the moment is cookies. Sodexo--the WSU catering service brought us a bag. I want to save lots of calories for a pizza dinner though. Maybe I'll take one home. I love sugar cookies.

Grateful today for:

Holly at 300 pounds down
Dave and his humor
Horrific craft projects (crocheted shorts) to amuse me

Thursday, January 8, 2015

No. Not a good diet day

Yesterday was simply not a good diet day at all. Between the colon blow, the heavy lunch and two cookies after dinner even I can't justify to myself that I made good choices.

I wonder why I find it so difficult to say NO?  Today we had an event at work, to my surprise, I was offered one of the lunches. I should have said no. I said yes. It was a ham sandwich and a cookie. Huh. Where were the chips? But just as well not to have them. I did take an honest look at the sandwich. I had planned to eat ham strata for 370 cal. In all honesty, I think the sandwich had about the same cal. So that was ok. I also warmed up some zero point soup and had an apple. All good. It was the cookie that did me in. In general, I call all cookies 120 cal. Not this one. This was a big one. I guess I'd better call it 220. I'd call it three hundred or even 350 except that last night I looked up mini-muffins. It seems to me that mini muffins are much less than half of a normal size muffin, but that is what the cookbook says. Ok. That means that Catherine's mini-muffins are going to count as 85 cal. Using that same reasoning the cookie I ate is only twice as big as a normal cookie? I mean, it wasn't one of those giant granny B type cookies, but it was big enough.  Oh well. Enough. I had a white bread sandwich and a cookie. Both terrible choices, but I'll stay within the calorie count.

In an hour I'm going to have the doctor look at my leg. I hope she figures something out. Better put in some gratitude--I'm sounding pretty whiney.

That so many contributed bags for the youth conference today
That it went well
That I finally finished the bills
That so far we can stay on top of the bills
For funny face book things
For my new Karen Harper book
That I was able to go to college
That I have a supportive husband
That harp is at 5 tonight
For our fireplace
For my health
That some of those nursery kids have moved on!
That there are those who are willing and able to do jobs that I have zero desire to do---K-12 teacher, accountant, police, soldier
For my drawing book
That every day is new.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Colon Blow

Today is high fiber. I couldn't help myself. I HAD to start the day with a hearty bowl of Colon Blow. This is a hilarious cereal that we found at a candy store last Christmas. Since all three of us had colonoscopys last year, we had to buy it as a joke. The box amused us for all of that night---Catherine was less amused when she opened it, but even she had to admit that it was pretty funny.  The cereal is just a normal granola, maybe a little worse, because it's loaded with mini chocolate chips. On a normal high fiber day, I would have made a different choice, but to actually have something called colon blow on hand on such a day was too much temptation to resist. Now that I think of it, I meant to have some blueberries with that---that really is high fiber. Darn it.

Yesterday ended up iffy. For our date night Dave took me to an Italian restaurant and then to a fun surfer looking place called Island...something for an ice-cream. Super cute place, we'll have to go back. Overall, I didn't do too badly, and put a substantial amount in the take home box. On the other hand, it was certainly more than the calories I had left. This week I'm willing to make a switch. Rather than Friday being my free day, I made yesterday my free day and Friday will be 1800 cal. It's all good--sort of.

The sort of is because of today. Yes, I'll try and eat high fiber stuff, but I'm also eating the leftover new year's wings and fabulous artichoke dip for lunch because I was planning to eat that on Friday and it isn't technically forbidden today. Dumb thinking, I know. But at least technically on track which I think is important.

It's warmer today. I had wellness time, so I walked for an hour. Thus earning myself 100 cal. AND I'll be able to walk home tonight. So that's good too.

I did get a hold of some index cards and a little box. I've already added a couple of breakfasts, one lunch and a dinner. I think it's going to be a great little tool. Dave is going to try to stay around 550 cal for meals plus a couple of light snacks. I told him to feel free to add to the file anytime. Hopefully it will help him too.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Good first day

Hey, that ham strata was really good! Definitely a do again. I'm proud and glad that I went out of my way to measure and weigh the ingredients. Left to make it on my own I would easily have doubled the ham and tripled the cheese. As it was, it was very tasty and made huge portions for only 379 cal. I was tired last night, so I sat by the fire and ate the last Reeses Christmas tree (170 cal). That felt good too. Exercise is still down because it's been so cold, but it's warm enough today that I think I might walk tomorrow. I did at least ride the bike for 1/2 hour yesterday.

I'm still skittish about the zero point foods. Today I had blueberries for breakfast, peas and carrots with lunch, and because I was starving, a banana for a snack. All healthy, but that's about 200 cal worth of stuff. Today is 1800. I don't know. It would be no problem on maintenance. Even still, if it helps me stay on a better track, then it might be fine now.

So far today:

Breakfast: 1 slice homemade bread with I can't believe it's not buttter, blueberries and 1 cup milk, 2 slices of bacon.

Walk to and from dorms to pick up stuff (20 min)

Snack: banana

Lunch: Ham strata, peas and carrots. Dessert: 7 dk choc sugar almonds (SOOOO good).

Snack because it's freezing in here--25 cal hot chocolate.

Hopefully tonight, we'll drop by the store and pick up some index cards and a recipe file. I want to write down the calorie count of the meals that are common for me--like today's breakfast and tonight's spaghetti so I don't have to keep reinventing the calorie meal. It's ridiculous how often I have calculated out an omlette with laughing cow cheese.

Monday, January 5, 2015

New Start---again

Here's to a new start---again. Not much excitement going on here, but a little more acceptance, that spinning my wheels isn't a total loss. I forgot to weigh myself today--which is probably a good thing. I did weigh myself Friday morning just to get the initial shock over with--207. That's both good and bad news. It's one pound shy of where I started with weight watchers. Hooray. I really showed them didn't I? But at least I didn't do the infamous--gain it all back and then some.

The very good news is that 207 is FAR better than I think I deserve. I was really out of control pretty much from Halloween onwards. Sometimes, I do love my body. God Bless it, it really does take almost as long to put weight on as it does to pull it off. I could be in much bigger trouble. I'm trying very hard not to fret too much about the number. I don't know what it means--did I gain muscle with kettlebell? Did I lose muscle now since I've been hurt? Am I just a giant marshmellow? Short of taking a body composition test (which I'd REALLY rather not do) who knows? I'll just keep trying. I think it's a good sign that I genuinely forgot to weigh this morning.

The bad news is that now I think I can get away with stuff. I ALWAYS think this when it comes to weight control. And the answer is---yes, and no. Yes, I can eat today and not pay a noticeable price. But no, I can't eat today and not pay ANY price. Stuff is going on internally, and it's going to manifest in scary ways. My leg and hand are really hurting for example--I don't know how much is due to inflammation, but I bet what I've been eating hasn't helped. So, try and try and try again.

Today is 1700 cal. I made some zero point soup (sort of) last night. I planned the menu, but I didn't plan the soup since I had Dave get the stuff for it a long time ago. His version of zero point soup has diced potatoes, which I think is not right. Also, we're out of tomatoes. It's ok, I just opened a can of chicken broth, green beans, carrots, diced potatos and mushrooms and heated that up---it's as flavorless as it sounds, I put in a couple chicken boullion cubes and some italian seasoning. I'm ok with this this week. Happily, I never have to eat it again if I don't want to. There are some other zero point soups that sound genuinely fabulous. I'm making the oriental one next week. I just wanted to have it on hand for when I struggle with hunger. As far as the zero point list goes, I think I'll modify it a little. I'm accepting it as zero--but if I have a day where I seem to be wolfing down fruits, I'll count some of them. Also, if I don't lose weight on this plan I'll have to count the fruits and veggie. But for now, I'm not worrying about the soup, or the clemetine, or celery I ate. Feels nice.

So today the menu looks like this:

Breakfast--two slices of Ezekiel bread with 2 tbls of organic peanut butter. 1 cup milk
Snack--clementine, some animal crackers.
Lunch---a roughly 300 cal portion of penne pasta--a WW recipe, but I wasn't on the wagon when I made it so it had extra cheese. 1 roughly 100 cal (I hope) portion of new Papa Murphy cheesy bread. 1 of Jennifer's marshmallow rice balls--I'm saying that's 50 cal. It's mostly marshmallow.

Tonight I'm making a yummy sounding "ham strata" receipe. I got a cooking light cookbook for Christmas and it's from there. It includes fontina cheese and sourdough bread so I'm hoping for great things.

It's too cold still to walk to work. So I'll be sure to do at least a 1/2 hour of something at home. I'm pretty happy with and today and this week--it's a gentle easing in. I'm too overfull to be hungry and today has a lot of carbs. This week also has a high fiber and a free day. I nearly put the free day back, but no. I think it will help me stick to things overall to nail into my head that food isn't going away.

A little thankfulness

That we got Catherine back to school allright
That she's worthy and able to be at BYU
animal crackers
That I can get to the doctor on Thursday
That I've been able to clear away a lot of work today
That Dave doesn't "help" around the house. He's fully my equal---superior actually.

Friday, January 2, 2015

New Year 2015

Happy New Year!!

Here I am again, more or less in exactly the same place where I was three years ago when I started this blog. This could be super discouraging were it not for Hollie's insights and re-definition of success. I mean really. Here it is, the start of a New Year, and yes, I will re-attempt to re-gain some control and lose weight. But I have literally been doing this for the past 40 years and have NEVER gotten to goal weight, or even close. So, no. I don't really believe I'll make it this year--which makes it much harder to stick to any plan. After all, why deprive myself if failure is certain?

So, what if anything, have I accomplished besides driving myself crazy?

I weigh less than I did when we came back from Japan in 1990. While there I gained 30 pounds. Held onto that for about 10 years then dropped about 25 of those pounds, to put me where I am today. While I still weigh much too much, this is FAR better than it might be otherwise. Lots of my friends from high school have fallen to middle age spread. I haven't--sort of. I had middle-age spread in high school so I still look about the same. But that's good!! All this effort HAS STOPPED THE TRAIN WRECK. Yes, I'm overweight and frustrated, but not nearly so much as I might be otherwise. I've been able to stay ahead of both aging, and increased crazy amounts of food that are offered anywhere. This despite poly-cystic ovary syndrome which slows things down.

This gives me hope for the future at least in the next life. I don't know if I'll be resurrected with a perfect sized body, but even if not, perhaps I'll at least have the metabolism I used to have in my teens. This effort in my teens would have pulled the weight off. Maybe, if I keep trying, I'll be rewarded.

Also---I can't measure what diseases I've slown down or prevented. Or how much exercise has helped in so many ways. I know that the holiday overeating and pounds are REALLY bothering my leg, so perhaps I'm keeping myself just on the right side of not being disabled.

SO---well worth making the effort, even if I am a living White Queen, always running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place.

Also---I've been back reading this blog and my so-called "effort" really is pretty lame. I really should be a great deal more grateful that I don't weigh 300 pounds. I really don't know why I don't.

Some gratitude for today

That I don't have 6 cats
Great performances
That Dave and C put the tree away today
That Christmas will come again
My cool new calendar
That tomorrow is payday
That tomorrow is always a new day.