What do those stars mean again?

Ok......Taco salads with jalapenos and lots of salsa but without cheese or sourcream to coat the stomach are a bad idea. Noted. I wasn't exactly sick, but most definitely not quite feeling normal either.  My t-shirts are getting tighter, not looser. This is frustrating because I feel like I'm constantly doing good things such as---going visiting teaching yesterday and saying no thanks to the lemon chiffon cake---instead, I asked them to put it on a paper plate so I could eat it today. (Fantastic cake).   Ok, YES, I ate the cake today, but I didn't eat it yesterday AND today. Aggravating. I feel as though I could just pig out as I did between Thanksgiving and Christmas, or I can try to control things, but it doesn't make a difference either way.

Today is a free day and a wonderful one. Got a good call from my sister who is making some small progress in her own way, and I can relax and eat pepperoni pizza tonight and sleep in tomorrow. It's also the last day of February--which in my mind means the last day of winter!!  I don't care what the calendar says---I say March means spring.

But with a new month, I'll try again at least to define things to myself. GOLD Stars on days that are uncounted means---I ate vegetarian or whatever BUT I did not overeat. I will "honor my hunger"--so if I need to eat, I will, but GOLD stars mean I did well in every sense. Silver Stars means I lived the letter of the law, and Red means I've had a problem.

No will power

Sean isn't blogging nearly as much or consistently as he used to. This is worrisome. I believe that he, like me, writes to keep himself on track. If he's off-track that tells me one thing loud and clear--WILL POWER DOESN'T WORK!  It can't. Nobody can sustain good behavior by sheer will forever. He was 100% faithful for more than TWO years! He's an amazing person--but eventually, will power gave way.

So what CAN work---that's the magic question for me--all change is uncomfortable. How can I tell the difference between discomfort that will lead to solid better habits (so is worth doing) and discomfort that is eventually going to give way underneath me (not worth doing)?

So much of what I'm doing now feels right, but I'm not losing weight. I'm hoping, as I hang on experimenting, that the small changes will add up. A small, positive change like the Hungry Girl buffalo wings--that's the opposite of will power! It's so much cheaper and easier than getting wings at chili's! I had a great vegan breakfast this morning---oatmeal with blueberries and nuts, and a glass of almond milk.  Changing things up as much as I have been helps me to maintain the will to keep trying. I'm convinced that maintaining that desire to not give up is the real key to success--and on the days when I don't care about success, lame efforts are much better than no efforts and hopefully the better real habits (like wings and walking) will help me carry on even when I don't care.

Happy thought!  I brought a vegan lunch, but it doesn't sound very appealing. It occurs to me that if I have the taco salad without meat or sourcream it should be a perfectly good vegan option, and sounds much better than the soup and tortillas I brought. I'm going out to lunch!

Clean Eating

Ummmm.  I gave myself a gold star yesterday because I DID eat vegetarian, but I also ate more than I needed to.  I'm going to look into "clean eating" and maybe add that to the envelope.  I actually don't really know what that means.  Catherine made some delicious soda bread. No preservatives---but is it clean? She used white flour.  What about milk? That's been pasturized and who knows what all else? ditto for cheese.  But I was looking at the website for fit2fat2fit--this guy had always been very fit and just didn't understand why everybody couldn't just BE fit too.  So he decided to deliberately put on 50 unhealthy pounds by not working out and eating the SAD (Standard American Diet) for six months. He overachieved and gained 75. Then he got back to being fit. He says he understands the problem a little better now. I was very proud of him for not saying that he totally understands. He realized that he doesn't really know what it's like to be overweight for years or what it's like to be super overweight, but he DOES understand a little better. Good for him!!!  I really don't want anybody to put on weight in an attempt to understand me, but I appreciate his efforts!  I'm going to take a look at his book The frustrating thing about his website, is that I couldn't find much about what he was eating during his fat phase. He only posted two menus that I could find.  I want to see more of this!!  Those two fat days didn't look all that bad to me!!  THAT'S a problem!!  If he gained 75 pounds eating in ways that I think are ok, then I might actually be willing to take a look at what I'm eating!!

Instead, he (I admit reasonably), has a bunch of stuff about how he got fit again. Semi-useful---he's big into protein shakes which I'm not ready to embrace yet. I AM willing to understand better WHY big bowls of captain crunch cereal are bad for me (Especially since sugary cereals are not a weakness of mine, so I can feel secure). But I need to see more of his fat days.  Here's what a "fat" vegetarian day looked like for me:

Breakfast:  Fiberone cranberry almond cereal with milk, a glass of dark chocolate soy milk, string cheese.
Snack: sleeve of nuts
Snack: Banana
Lunch: Hunk of artesian bread with garlic cloves, with I can't believe it's not butter spread, an ounce or two of cheddar cheese, 1 whole can of progresso basil tomato soup, 9 or 10 olives, a reeses egg.
Snack: lite microwave popcorn.
Dinner: A cilantro pesto veggie sandwich on a really good bun (220 cal), pesto (homemade), eggplant, roasted peppers, mozzarella cheese.  Crackers--both wheat thins and ritz with cheeseball. More olives.
Dessert: Kid-size german chocolate ice-cream from sub-zero.

Lots of sitting--but did walk to work and back.

A diet like this folks faithfully followed, will give you a beautiful body of about 200 pounds.

Double gold star!

Wow!  I do NOT like Flavor Point day 34! But I did amazingly well anyway. Besides the fish problem (and Catherine DID have dinner all made--and it wasn't bad), was the more serious snack problem. One of the strengths of flavor point is the snacks--they're small, but there are always two and it's super good practice for me to realize what kind of stuff is out there that can be good for snacking. But yesterday the snacks were--an apple, and later on some baby carrots. Uhhhhh. No. Much too light of a snack. I like apples and carrots, but they do NOTHING to curb hunger.

Then, somebody made a mistake and ordered food for a meeting that wasn't happening until today. So six huge delicious looking salads--with bacon and blue cheese and rich dressings and bread on the side, were given to anyone who wanted one.  But I was strong and ate the spinach and lentil salad that I had brought--it was good, but not as tempting as those fattening salads. Later, I ate my carrots and daydreamed about today when I could eat my fill again. Dashed home as fast as I could. Dinner was tilapia (admittedly a good recipe), quinoa, zuchinni and a little salad. Very healthy, and not at all what I would have chosen, but it did the trick. We dashed off to the story telling festival--super fun. And on the way home stopped at subzero for ice-cream. By this time we were all pretty tired, but I did great! I ordered a kid-size german chocolate concoction and let it sit there while Dave and C ate theirs, then I took mine home and put it in the freezer. It will be there tonight when I get home late from visiting teaching.

Today is vegetarian, and a relief. I have good bread and cheese and tomato soup and olives and a reeses egg and nuts.  But yesterday was empowering. YES I DO have will power---I think most fat people do. It's just that my food brakes are set too loosely. But yesterday's effort was excellent and I'm proud of myself.

Today's challenge is boredom. It's very slow at work--and rather than wanting to seize this time to catch up on things, I want to put my feet up and of course, eat. I think I'd better make a to do list to at least get something accomplished.

Flavor Point

Day 34 on Flavor Point today---I seem to have a gift for picking out the fish days, what's up with that?  I hope C is a sweetheart and fixes dinner b/c I want to go to the storytelling festival tonight and I don't have time to cook AND eat and get there on time. Successfully dodged a food bullet at work, they ordered a bunch of stuff for a meeting that was for tomorrow, not today, so there were all kinds of delicious looking salads.  I ate my own salad which was also delicious---just not as yummy looking as the others.

Feeling a bit better about myself today. Got my haircut on Sat---badly needed. And I'm thinking that I simply HAVE to be healthier--no matter what the scale and mirror say. There is so much junk out there that I would have eaten, but haven't because I'm working on this program.  I AM struggling with exercise--I mean real, sweatfilled exercise. The excuse is my knees. They really have been hurting which is a new and unpleasant development. But there is still the exercise bike and swimming AND---going to the doctor for shots and stuff, so there really isn't an excuse. But my breathing has been off too----well, maybe it's just boredom. I really hate the treadmill when I can't read or listen to an audio book or something. I think I can solve these problems.  What about my ideas for alternative exercise? Still there--I'm just feeling super rickety lately.

Thanks to 300poundsdown I found nerdfit. Really fun website--the writer definitely has the rebel attitude down fine. He's pro Paleo-diet, which I'm not a huge fan of, but he embraces all sensible plans to try and eat well and has some great exercise ideas. Best thing about the site is that he doesn't accept excuses.  Instead, he gives all kinds of practical suggestions to overcome the excuses.  Eventually, he does want you to pay up a bit of money to get his fitness program, but there is an awful lot of good info he gives out for free.  I'm a little overwhelmed.  I'll be visiting the site from time to time and I signed up for the free blog. I love people who are out there helping out.

Lastly, I'm very grateful that I don't feel compelled to try the "Werewolf" diet. It's basically fasting on the full moon and eating sensibly at other times. Whatever! There is no shortage of weirdness out there!

Not counting versus Free

Quick post, we're running late today because we went to watch Catherine sing with her choir at a different  church. That meant our traditional Sunday nap was late, but I want to be finished cooking dinner and such so we can watch the Olympic closing ceremonies.

Today is another "not counting but in control" day. I'm having an awfully hard time distinguishing this from a FREE day. I have the hardest time believing that eating less will result in weight loss. I mean believing it enough to actually eat less.

Flabby

Feeling flabby today. put on my comfy jeans and a shirt looked in the mirror, and yikes! Put on a different shirt. Darn it! Hate not losing weight (i haven't checked, but my clothes and the mirror aren't very promising), hate the thought of eating less. Afraid of turning 50 and having my metabolism slow down even more.

Oh well, press on press on. I just finished a workout. Took another look at Lean and Free---the diet from the beginning of this blog that didn't work. However---I never tried the actual mapped out days, I was trying to do the real thing--that is keep the fat down to 20%.  The book actually has 8 weeks of planned out menus.  That might be fun to add to the envelope. Unlike flavor point, these menus are closer to the way that I actually want to eat. They come in around 2000 cal, which should be ok for a person like me. FP comes in around 1400. I'm keeping flavor point too, but I was looking for something to add to the envelope.

I just wish that today I weighed 150 without effort.

Feeling normal

The bacon cheese potato casserole was a little disappointing. Like most everything, it would have been improved with real sourcream and about 8 times the cheese. Oh well. It's good enough that it still qualifies as comfort food. Plus, I got to eat a truly huge portion AND have seconds for a surprisingly few calories.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I felt normal.  That is---not starved and skinny, not fat, just normal. That's been the feeling for most of this week in fact. Eating 1900 cal for 4 days straight has been helpful. Not too hard, but not automatic either. It's just felt like a normal amount of control--something I can see myself adopting someday and becoming habit---not the rigid counting, but just eating about this amount of food.

For now, and maybe forever in this life, I still need to count. Today is 2000 cal, and apparently I need some protein. I rarely eat lunch meat, but we usually have it on hand for Dave and C. We were out of eggs, but I fixed myself a ham and cheese bagel--which was made lighter in calories with the help of my cat, Tigger. That with some milk, was a good breakfast, I'll have some 100 cal popcorn for a snack, some of that casserole with and apple and yogurt and pickles for lunch and pizza for dinner tonight. It's really not that hard!  Of course, as soon as I type this, I think of all the things I'd like to eat in addition to what I've listed--parmesan bites from Domino's topping the list, but since when did I have to have every single little thing I want to be happy?

I'm still not super motivated---just.....normal. But I'll be ok picking out the slips for next week tonight--I'll still ask for divine help though.

The size of the problem

I can't say enough good things about 300poundsdown.  She speaks to my heart--I love her faith and courage and boy, can she write!  I've written about this before---heck, I've written about everything before--but I need to remind myself--I feel so blessed that my problem is a 50 pound problem, not a 300 pound problem. Because it so easily could be a 300 pound problem--ITS THE SAME PROBLEM!!  The reason the 300 pound post resonates so well with me is that my thought processes are exactly the same. I wrestle with the same demons and fail over and over and over again for exactly the same reasons. So why am I "only" 50 pounds overweight when she was 300 pounds overweight and why are others, who are even less mentally balanced than I am, normal weight?

I don't know---but maybe partly it's just plain sheer luck, or good genes or being blessed. For whatever reason, I have a 50 pound trial in this life, others struggle with much heavier trials. This is true in every way--we all have our struggles, some are worse than others, we just have to trust that God knows what He's doing.

The cheering thing about this thought is that it lets me let go of some of the guilt. Why can't I control my weight? What's wrong with me? I would never think like that if I had cancer or broke my leg. I would probably do a lot of "why me?" whining, but I wouldn't blame myself. Weight seems as though it's different because it seems that I'm in control---in a sense I am, but the reasons for being overweight are complex and some at least really aren't my fault. I have a problem. So what? The only thing that's necessary is to learn to effectively deal with it--same as if I were born with only one arm. That would be too bad, but it needn't control or hamper my life. 1900 calories again today---this week's schedule makes me smile. I'm sure God helped me to pick out the slips this week.

Fancy Sandwich

Last night's sandwiches were a hit.  Thanks to the bake and serve--rolls is the wrong word---bread, for once the reality looked just like the picture.  It was a good dinner---sandwich, grapes, fritos, dip, with a little chocolate tollhouse bar for dessert.  1900 calories is doable. Usually, anyway.  It's just so easy to eat more than that.

Can't say I've had a breakthrough yet, but perhaps a little weakening of poor thinking. Hungry Girl posted today about how to survive a trip to a Mexican restaraunt. Nothing special this time--only the irritating advice to skip the chips and salsa, and avoid anything smothered with cheese or any of the --ada's or anga's--like enchiladas, or chimichangas. Salads are ok, if you don't have them in the deep fried bowl.  Ummmm...why bother going to a Mexican restaurant?  BUT this time those thoughts seem just a small shade more realistic than they usually do. The idea of making a point of eating healthy no matter where you are is a very small seed--that hasn't taken root yet, but perhaps a tiny spoonful of dirt has been moved to let the seed in.

Maybe someday the situation will become irrelevant to my eating choices. Or at least mostly irrelevant. To me, it's a mind blowing world view---a fundamental shift. But plenty of my co-workers seem to live their whole lives this way. Sure, it's potluck day, but they only eat a little of this or that because that's just what they do. I can barely even imagine that.  And yet, I behave that way all the time socially---I would never blurt out all the unkind thoughts that cross my mind. I just wouldn't. Someday maybe I won't eat all the unkind food.

Popcorn

Still feeling blah and unmotivated, BUT that doesn't mean I can't succeed!  I passed an acid test yesterday by going to the movies and NOT having popcorn. Whoa! Gold Star for that.

I have the hardest time stopping when I'm full.  Last night I really was full after one helping of gyros, but I was entitled to eat two and no way was I going to stop at one!  So silly, it was a 1900 cal day, it wouldn't have hurt me to go lower.

Today, I stopped eating, but only because my lunch was gone. I made HG chicken wings and had blue cheese crumbles, carrots and celery, cup of soup, some olives and a naan bread. YUm yum yum!!!  Wish I'd had twice as much. How do people not want twice as much?  How can you stop eating when it's so good??Tonight is a new receipe of a fancy veggie sandwich. I made the basil pesto and roasted the red peppers last night. The sandwich bun is one of those bake it at home things, so it should be quite professional tasting. I'll have some baked BBQ chips and grapes on the side for a real little fancy bistro dinner.

White Queen

Got my new driver's license in the mail---I'm exactly in the same place as I was four years ago.  Sigh.  Just like the White Queen in Alice in Wonderland--I run as fast as I can to stay in the same place. Oh well.  That place isn't perfect but at least it's usually under the 200 pound mark (albeit barely).  Today's challenge is the movies.  I want to stick with the 1900 cal I have planned, which means no movie popcorn.  I'm moderately ok with this.  Usually, I can plan movie days on Free days so I can have the popcorn, so I don't feel as resentful as I might. Especially, since I'm now going to have 2 bacon sandwiches for lunch. Hooray lite bread and lite mayo that makes this possible.

Success with wontons

Better! Still unmotivated and with a low grade headache these last two days, but that's ok.  I DID stick to 2100 cal yesterday (not that hard, it's a lot of calories), and today is "not counting but in control" and it's been ok. I only had one normal piece of pizza for lunch (because that's all there was) and was reasonably normal with the crackers and cheeseball.  Dinner tonight is one of my favorites, sweet and sour pork with WONTONS!!!  Wontons were one of my first non-dessert lower calorie discoveries and they remain a favorite.  Fry up lowfat sausage or turkey with onions and garlic, add a little soy sauce and ginger and a couple cups of finely chopped cabbage, add about 2 cups of water and 2 boullion cubes and cook until all the water is gone.  Then take a sheet of phyllo dough, spray it with pam add another sheet on top and cut it into squares (about 3 inches) put a little meat stuff on each square and roll it into a tube. Spray with oil spray and bake at 425 for 7 minutes.  It will be a nice dinner and then the next 4 days will be at 1900 cal. Doable, and I think I'll feel a lot better about myself.

Unmotivated is good

Okay! Here I am and I am TOTALLY unmotivated. This is good. I need a plan that works when I am totally unmotivated. Let's see how I do.  I'm mostly counting calories this week and that's what I plan to do, unmotivated or not.  I've been honest with my calendar--no star yesterday evening (but a lovely evening with my sweet husband).  It's discouraging to see blanks on most of the days last week, and what wasn't blank was a Free day and a Vegetarian day where I ate plenty freely, just not meat.  But what's important is that I do get back on track right away--detours aren't good, but they are a reality, so I just need to continue working on making the detours shorter and less deadly.

On the good motivation side---I want to walk/run the zombie half marathon this October.  I have a 17 week prep plan. Would I have a chance to do two halfs in that time? I'm going to look at a calendar and find out.  The first one could be a very slow walking one, and since I'd be more in shape after that, I can start the training over at a faster pace perhaps for the zombie?  If no, then maybe a couple of 5 or 10 K's?I"m slow, but it beats didn't start at all!

For today I'm going to do a couple sessions of dance dance, then work on the proposal, balance my checkbook, and start the taxes. A nap is also planned. Maybe I'll just skip straight to that!

a little Divine help

Valentine's day today. A happy day in many ways. I'm loved, and I survived all the projects for this week.  Dave has planned the evening and I'm really excited!!  On the downside---I woke up at 4:30 and didn't get back to sleep so I'm all tired.  Food-wise, oh brother. I'm not very motivated at all!!  This is where divine help comes in. I need it. And I think I got it too!  I picked out my slips for next week and had to laugh, they're almost ALL calorie counting.  I got FOUR 1900 day slips. It's exactly what I need. Freedom to eat what I want with a little control on top.

Vegetarian day

Yesterday's banquet was pretty good. Most remarkable was that I didn't want the second piece of cheesecake that I could have had. This was less virtue than that it wasn't the best cheesecake, but still, I'll take what I can get. :)  Today is a vegetarian day, which is good because I can earn a star for today which I need to do to get back on track. Tomorrow's Valentines, but after that I should be ready to pull out next week's 7 slips and press on.  Someday, I hope, I'll want to do well even on days that present challenges, but that day simply isn't here.  One of the primary problems of weight loss is that on a basic, fundamental level, I just don't want to do it!!  I WANT to be tempted so I can give in. I WANT there to be an excuse (any will do) so I can overeat.

Maybe that's why I'm liking this drawing slips method so much---it makes me on some level WANT to do what the slip says. It's a challenge. The only catch is that I'm sure I haven't lost any weight. Grrrrr.  

Defining ourselves

I really enjoyed that pot-luck. My office outdid itself.  I just love having little bits of lots of different kinds of foods. Heaven is filled with appetizers.  In a way it was a good day to go nuts---it was a flat out hungry day--the kind of day where I could easily eat 10 full sized meals plus snacks and still not fill up.  Usually when I get like that it means something physical is going on and I tend not to gain weight. I sure hope that was the case yesterday.

Today is the honors lunch--am I hoping for a nice reasonable meal? Are you crazy? I want rich, gourmet yumminess with a dense chocolate dessert.  Oh dear. I don't think this problem is going to go away unless I move to some wretched country with no food at all.  Meanwhile, I at least have wellness time today--so I'll hike up the hill to the gym and lift a few weights. It's the least (in every sense of the word), I can do.

A couple of interesting ideas about how we define ourselves and how powerful that is have been coming my way.  First was a story from my anthropology textbook. An anthropologist was studying some tribe and one man keep telling him how poor he was. The anthro started collecting data with the help of this man on the material possessions of the tribe and it turned out that this man was actually quite well off.  This left the man with a problem--he had to change his entire way of thinking of himself. In the end he refused to do it. He continued to be "poor" because he had this problem with his father in law and this or that other issue.

Another story from a friend was of a lady she knew who was told by her doctor to stop eating salt. So she stopped eating bread--"because bread has salt" but continued to eat potato chips and doritos!

OK---in what ways am I delusional? And can I be willing to reframe my own attitudes? This is not so easy. For example, when I was young I really was super tall for my age, easily a head taller than anyone else in class. I didn't even out until high school when every one else finally caught up.  Now, I'm a dead average 5'7. But I still feel tall. I work with a guy who is over 6 feet tall and even some of the women are taller than I am. No matter. I feel like the tallest one in the office, even though I don't like feeling that way and even though it's factually untrue!

There are two things I think I can really work on changing. I've always considered myself as "bad at sports." But that isn't necessarily true. I have no experience with sports is much more accurate. How do I know I'm bad at sports? Yes, I have a painful history of striking out, or being last, but what would you expect from someone with no experience? I want to explore the world of sports a little and not from the work-out weight-loss side. I always weigh sports down with the "I'm supposed to be exercising" element.  NO! I'm going to approach it from the fun side. Try batting cages, or archery or basketball or skeet shooting or whatever, simply because it's fun and I'm missing out by not exploring that. I'll have to think about how I want to approach this so I don't forget it. One thing I do want for my birthday is a basketball--there's a court across the street. I used to like just messing around and trying to make baskets. I also used to like hitting a tennis ball against the wall--I can look for a good wall. I'm going to treat this like I treat reading. I read constantly, not because I'm trying to improve my mind, but because it's fun. Ditto sports!!!

The other thing I can say is that I like to eat healthy foods. This is true. It's also true that I like to eat unhealthy foods and great quantities of both, but I can focus on the fact that I do indeed, like to eat healthy foods. It's fun to hunt for receipes, I love Hungry Girl.  I can build on this.

From here on out, I am a person who likes healthy foods, who is exploring the world of sports. Thought! I work at a university for pete's sake! There is a huge recreational office with free classes in all kinds of stuff all the time!!

Pot Luck!

The pot-luck, which starts in an hour (not soon enough!) looks great and I am WAAAAAY too excited for it.  I'm also really hungry which is inconvenient--I ate some beef jerky, and would like to dig around in my cupboard for more, but I don't want to fill up now even though it's a free day.

Yesterday's lame effort felt nice. Sometimes (most times), I just want to eat until I'm DONE eating not until good sense of a diet tells me I should be done eating. But I need to remember that this IS what I'm aiming for and where I'm going.  Right now, what I want to eat usually exceeds what I should eat, but if I keep trying---keep plugging away at the calorie count days and the Flavor point days and all the rest, my addictions will shrink and I will move closer to the point where what I want and what I need will match.  Already I'm so much better off than I used to be, and I'm so much better off than so many others. For example---I'm really excited to gobble down the soup, and smokies, and my cheeseball and the chips and dip. But I'm not dying to dive into the cookies and the sweet chex mix doesn't sound at all appealing.  This is encouraging!! Neither my body OR my mind wants to eat ALL of it. No doubt I will have some sweets (it is a Free day after all), but at least in that area I'll probably be reasonably normal--and it's a major area!  It's warming up a little outside too--YAY!!!!  I'm really excited for spring--I love just walking out the door without having to bundle up first.

rough week ahead!

LOVE 300poundsdown.com  Thank you for the inspiration!!!  I CAN and I WILL at least do something, even if this week is loaded with challenges, that frankly I want to embrace rather than run away from.  Yesterday was high protein. I certainly ate high protein, as well as high carb and everything else. Had I not eaten the second helping of raspberry chewy bars (and the first helping was already about triple a serving size), I would have given myself a red star. But after the chewy bar, I realized that I wasn't trying at all. No star.

Today is awkward because I'm choosing to make it so. Originally it was supposed to be a quack diet day. I decided from the get-go that I am always free to ignore a quack diet day in favor of something healthier. So, I opted for 1800 cal. Wellllllll. The pork chop and sweet potato stuff are difficult to figure out. Plus, I'm just plain hungry.  So I'm going to kind of vaguely do my best.  Lame, I know.

Tomorrow is a free day because there is a potluck at work.  Wednesday was going to be 2100 cal no sugar, except that it's the honors banquet at work and I don't want to be conservative on a free $20 meal! No excuse not to behave on Thursday, but Friday is Valentines' day.  BUT!! I'm not quitting. I'll walk home, I'll get through all of the over-the-top projects going on this week. I've already written my paper, I'll pass my test, I got good feedback on one of the proposals, I'm making progress--slow, but progress on the other proposal. It's going to be all right.  300poundsdown reminds me to drink my water. Check! do 30 sec of exercise---more than check--I'll walk home, I'll write my blog, I'll keep at it.

saucy meatballs

Thank goodness for calorie count days and thank goodness for day that are not.  I did all right yesterday. Dinner was especially challenging because I wanted saucy meatballs. I wish pasta wasn't so calorie dense, but I figured it out and was able to eat a reasonable amount. This upcoming week is super busy for all of us--in my case, a paper, a test, 2 proposals and homemaking along with Valentines day. Happily, it's a fairly easy eating week. Today is "high protien"  I just had the rest of the meatballs and way more cheese than necessary. I think I'll blame my visiting teachers. It's Sunday nap time and they had dropped by and said they'd come back later.  I don't want visiting teachers at just this minute-I want a NAP!! Some of that cheese I'm sure was to compensate.

Despite the cheese I feel good about a high protien day. I think I need it.

C for effort

Darn it! I did so well on Thursday. Yesterday had some problems. It was "not counting but in control."  Lets see if I can learn something.  Had a good breakfast, but for some reason was quite hungry around 9:30. Didn't want to eat a true snack because I guess I didn't think it would help fill me up enough and then I'd eat another snack and maybe another and be out of control. Result, I went to the gym hungry and did a really feeble work out.

What to learn? If I'm hungry I need to eat even if it's at 9:30 a.m.  I need to work on letting go of "food hoarding".  On weight watchers I really hated the feeling of being done for the day--probably because I was just barely hanging on to not starving.  I'm doing a little better  with the idea that it's ok to be done--probably because now I'm usually full.  The problem is that I'm full because I've eaten a large amount of my calories in the evening specifically to avoid the "I'm done but I'm still hungry" feeling. But that needs to change--slowly.  I need to experiement---if I'm hungry at 9:30 and I eat what I need, I'll probably be ok with less later. And if not.....ummmmm? I'm not sure. I guess I can deal with that when the time comes.

I kept trying. After my workout, I managed to only eat 1/2 of the sleeve of nuts because lunch was soon. I was solidly hungry for lunch, and lunch was plentiful, but not smart. A reasonable amount of leftover pizza, 100 cal popcorn and some poppers. Plenty of calories but not very filling.  Forgot I'd also brought along a plum.  I ate a couple of ferro rocher chocolates.  Later, I wasn't starving but ate the crackers and laughing cow cheese. That was kind of problematic--because I ate them more because I could than because I felt I needed them.

Walked home.  It was the opening ceremonies for the Olympics and I was all excited.  The plan had been to have leftovers because we had pizza on Wednesday, but we didn't really have good leftovers. I wanted Greek food from the great place in the mall. I tried.  They usually hand out enormous portions. Catherine and I agreed to split a plate.  Uhhhhh. The take home last night wasn't that big.  It's really good food and I didn't get nearly what I wanted of it.  That's when I lost it.  I popped a big bowl of popcorn and had it with a fat slice of cheese. Then I definitely felt full, but I made sure I got my share of the last of the brownies.  Result---I feel irritated with myself AND now I have a real craving for the Greek food.

Mind at rest

I did great yesterday at 1700 cal. I'm having a MUCH MUCH easier time passing up the goodies that are around the office. Yesterday my boss brought in big blueberry scones. Yum!! But calorie deadly.  It actually wasn't a big deal!!!  The thoughts that were automatically in the FRONT of my mind were--that 1. I could have a little if I wanted to spend the calories on them. 2. I actually prefer chocolate. 3. I could wrap up a piece and save it for tomorrow.  This is exciting!  Usually, I have to dredge these types of thoughts up laboriously from the deeps of my soul. In the end I just didn't think about them that much, and when later that afternoon, I saw that they were all gone I didn't really care.  And I was additionally rewarded later last night in several ways---I sat my kiester in a chair for an hour and worked on the dreaded proposal, and felt really good about that, Catherine WAS re-accepted to BYU so we all feel great about that! She made our famous brownies to celebrate. And I had enough calories left to enjoy a piece. I was proud of myself on that score too. I did NOT cut my own piece. Instead, I told C to bring me a small piece. And that worked fine. The reason all of this worked fine is that I knew that today was a "not counting, but in control" day. That means I can have more today. Next week will bring more days, some more challenging than others, but an "easier" day is always nearby. It makes all the difference.

#4---I didn't think of this yesterday, but I am now.  I could have wrapped up a huge piece of scone yesterday and saved if for my next free day.  It's a thought!

Sometimes I think my clothes are a little looser, then I put on something else and think that everything is still the same. Doesn't matter. (well, yes it does) For the first time ever, my MIND is happy with the program. For the first time I'm not working against myself. I want things to move much faster, because impatience is part of my character, but this is the right thing.

Shout outs

Belatedly discovering Jimmy Dean's breakfast sandwiches. 250 cal and super good! I had one with morning with a bowl of blackberries and milk with a little splenda. Wonderful breakfast! Way to go Jimmy Dean.  I also want to shout out to 300 pounds down and lets reverse obesity. Beautiful, wonderful people who not only get it, but are so uplifting and inspiring that I can't wait to read more of their blogs. Today was the first day I read lets reverse obesity. He wrote about the signs of relapse and he got it right--not just for weight control but for every aspect in our lives, when we become complacent, or lonely or guilt-ridden we stop moving. He's right. Today is the only day I can do anything about.

Yesterday was a much needed free day. I abused it a little. But I can still see the signs of healing beginning to sprout like the beginnings of a delicate plant (that I hope will someday turn into a mighty oak).  The new healthy little tendrils were going, "ahhhhh---a free day, it's so nice not to have to worry about food. I don't really want to overeat though. I just want to relax and enjoy the day."  Exciting stuff!!!  100% genuine and spontaneously generated from my mind. It's just that the new plant was overshadowed by the mountain of my addictions which went, "FREE day!! Pig out!!"  So I did eat plenty and over plenty yesterday, but I could have eaten a great deal more. Today is 1700, which moves the addiction mountain over for the day and allows some sunlight to get to the new plants.  For dinner we're having the Hungry girl "Fettucini Alfredo" which I remember as being good even though it uses weird tofu "fettucinini shaped" noodles.  I've love Hungry Girl's concept of portions--huge. I think I'll have some jalapeno poppers on the side. I know I'll have the calories left for them.

Major Fest

Free Day.  I really am needing this psychologically. I did fine yesterday. I was so busy at work that I didn't have time for my snack so I took it home and had it for dessert.  Dinner was shrimp primavera made with basil pesto. Pretty good actually, except that we got some uber-healthy gluten-free, flax seed, rice noodles which cooked up like glue. Health food has come a long way since the 1970's but it isn't quite there yet.  Speaking of the '70's, I watched close encounters of the third kind---everyone is so skinny. I thought I was so fat back then, and I was by those standards, by today's standards I was just right.

Anyway, the world is better today and not just because of the food. I did a little work on my proposal, I feel a little better about Catherine, the sun is shining. But oh yes, I'm enjoying the food. During the morning session of major fest I was much too near the popcorn machine, so I had plenty of that, plus candy.  Then we had a potluck of soup and rolls--I brought some cheese and olives too. Went home, took a nap (with more cheese and olives) then came back to work where I've now had some chips and salsa and a mini chocolate bundt cake with caramel, hotfudge and ice-cream.  This is all doubly happy because my pants are a little looser.

Unmotivated

Unmotivated today. Probably a combo of being distrustful of yesterday's success and today's worries.  Catherine says her cinnamon rolls only had about 100 cal a piece.  But did they really? Was my lunch as low in calories as I think it was? I'm flat out distrustful if I feel too satisfied.  Today is a flavor point day which is completely unappealing especially since I'll be working hard and late tonight.  I have to totally redo the NYC proposal--I hate doing proposals, and I'm worried about my sister and Catherine, Catherine especially. Tired. Worried. It's really cold out. Have tuna for lunch. Bleh.

wings

Survived the day yesterday. :)  I did fine with the food--although my apple pie crust was tough darn it.  I did finally eat some chips and dip which was silly because I'd already eaten dinner, plus pie, plus a peanut cluster--I didn't need chips and dip too. Oh well.

Today is 1800 with no other parameters. That will be fine especially since I brought more HG chicken wings for lunch! Tonight I'll have sloppy joes.  I didn't walk to work because of the cold, but I did go up to the gym and did my little weight lifting circuit, plus I'll walk home tonight. Tomorrow is a Flavor Point day, but Wednesday is FREE.  This program definitely has the right psychology for me behind it.

Fast Sunday??!!!

I did great yesterday!! Got in the double exercise, finished the draft of the grant proposal for the NYC conference, practiced the harp, got to the cooking store to buy yeast, and the health food store to buy weird "fettucini shaped" tofu noodles for a reciepe later this week.  I also cooked up a batch of tortilla chips and made cheese dip (I've been wanting more ever since that work party)--I get extra good girl points for that--since it was a "no salt" day that means I didn't get to sample the chips.  No matter--I thought today was a free day and I could have as much as I wanted.   Then Catherine asked me why I'd scheduled a Free day on a Fast Sunday?

IT'S FAST SUNDAY!!!  ACCCKKK!!!  I totally forgot about that!!!  In my church (Mormon), the first Sunday of every month is Fast Sunday. It's a wonderful day of deep prayer and a small sacrifice in the form of fasting.  All those who are physically able go without food or water for two meals and the money that would normally go toward the food is instead donated to those in need.  Going without food for two meals usually isn't that big of a deal and the blessings are huge.  Plus, dinner always tastes extra good on Fast Sunday.  But I wasn't prepared for it today! Plus! It's Super Bowl Sunday! Not that this makes any real difference--we're not football fans, but I bet many LDS people will choose to fast next week instead of today. I considered putting it off until next week too, but decided that I didn't want to do that. It's really the chips and dip that are sacrifice today.  I've rearranged everything and it will actually be a much easier week.  Today I made a calorie count day--but I don't feel as though I really need to count.  I doubt the meatloaf and apple pie will come anywhere close to 2000 cal. Besides, breaking the fast isn't supposed to be about giant gluttonous feasting. That's out of keeping with the spirit of the fast.

SO!  The flavor point day will be Tuesday instead of tomorrow. I want those chips and dip! And Wednesday will be the free day--a good choice because I've got a huge event at work and I'll be ready to relax and not cook--we're going to take Catherine to the Pizza Pie Cafe.

HUNGRY!!!

Oh wow! Whoa! I don't know what happened yesterday. It was a 2100 cal day---usually more than plenty. Not even close! Any food I ate didn't even seem to make a dent.  It was the kind of hunger that if I were a caveman and the only food around was a mastodon, I would have NO problem taking my spear and bringing it down. Last night, I would have been totally without fear.  The mastodon would be down and that would be the end to that.

Vision is a weird thing. When I was at my all time weight watchers low, my x-large t-shirts were starting to look really really big to me.  Same thing in reverse last night. I went to Papa Murphys to pick up our usual pizza and the large size looked miniscule. No possible way to feed three people on that (even though it's what we usually get)!  I got the family size and cookies. I plotted out the calories, and I knew I was going to go over, and by the time I actually got to eat dinner I did NOT care. In classic--"I let myself get too hungry" style, I'm sure I overate. But I gave myself a red star because this was different than last Sunday when I just threw in the towel for no good reason. Last night my body was shouting reasons and I think it was important to respond. It's just unfortunate that my body went crazy on a pizza night. But the experience was important for a couple of reasons, I want to learn on a cell deep level that I WILL respond to my true physical needs. And also, I had realized several hours earlier that regardless of what I pulled out of the envelope, I would very shortly need a FREE day to maintain my willingness to keep on trying. I believe that the will to keep on trying is more important that any other consideration when changing a habit.  And it worked!  I didn't intentionally set out to be a glutton last night, but I did eat what my body needed and what my mind wanted (the more scary part), and I honestly did pick out a free day for next week.  But to my surprise, I didn't have to have the free day today. Today I'm actually prepared for a relatively strict day---1800 cal, no salt and double exercise. And I feel fine!  Tomorrow, Sunday will be the Free day---I think I'd actually be ok, without it, but I want to be sure to get it in so continue to feel relaxed and confident with this plan.

It's shaping up to be a great day.  I had to go in to work (very rare on a Saturday) and it's snowing, but since it's double ex. today I decided to walk it--this had extra umph because I had to go clear up to the stadium, and in Ogden, Utah, up means UP.  I was defnintely puffing.  Later, I'll ride the stationary bike while I get caught up on some reading for my class.  There was breakfast served at this event and I did VERY well taking a moderate amount.  A nice serving of fruit, a muffin, a spoonful of eggs, skipped the pancakes, a spoonful of hashbrowns and only 2 slices of bacon (would have preferred 20--that is not an exaggeration), and a little orange juice. No bad! I'm calling it 600 cal.  But again the most important and exciting thing about today is that I'm willing to keep on doing. I feel good about today's plan and am looking forward to the upcoming week.

Lastly, here's my report card for January.  Pretty darn good if I say so myself!  Out of 31 days only 1 had no star at all.  I got 3 red stars, 6 silver stars and 21 gold stars!!!  I gave Catherine $30 to surprise me with a gift card and she came through in flying colors.  $25 gift card for my Nook e-books! And the remaining $5 on chocolate!  That's my girl!!!  I love it!