Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Artichoke dip

Oh my gosh! Catherine hit the calorie jackpot last night with the best spinach-artichoke dip I've ever tasted. I haven't calculated the calories, but it's sure to be a disaster. I'm having trouble reminding myself (strongly) that such delicious things are not going away out of my life. Seriously! How can I doubt that?? I KNOW I will not be perfect whatever plan I try---but weirdly, typing that I can see that I don't believe it. After 50 years of evidence to the contrary, I think I'll just sail through. That's because right now I'm really full. REALLY full, with a delicious dinner tonight and more deliciousness tomorrow--so boredom and deprivation seem like minor irritants. Oh well. I will continue to enjoy the artichoke dips in life. AND I really am looking forward to being hungry and truly enjoying my food again. Crazy that I can't make myself do that on my own, but apparently I can't. so here's to a fresh start on the infamous MONDAY. It'll be fun----at least for 10 minutes.

Some things to be grateful for.

The number one ladies detective agency books!
The carved trees I got for Christmas that are gracing my office.
That Dave and C had fun in SLC
That the weather looks like it will be fine on Sunday to take her back.
My own kettlebells
A day off on Thursday
For internet news
For my warm coat
For our warm fire at home
For my two fat cats

Monday, December 29, 2014

Starting Sunday

Okay, okay, okay. I will begin trying again on Sunday. Meanwhile, I've at least gotten a little exercise, although my leg is still bothering me. I went through my slips yesterday and randomized the hungry girl days.

Self-deception is an amazing thing. My gray pants, that I don't wear very much, are fitting fine today which makes me think that I don't need to work on my weight at all--even though virtually everything else is very tight and I feel like an overstuffed balloon.

I'm debating about adding the weight watchers zero point food list. The three things that are surprising are bananas, apples and ketchup. I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't think I'd eat mountains of bananas and apples, but I would probably eat them almost daily and they DO have calories (80), and goodness knows, those stupid calories add up. Enough so, that I think WW has taken back bananas as a freebie.  On the other hand, I need my program to be liveable. The less liveable, the less likely I am to stick with it. But I'm a little nervous about the first time I tried my randomized system and I set the calories too high and didn't lose anything. I don't want to do that again. I'm also not too thrilled with the idea of the scale. I'm thinking of not even weighing in at the beginning---mostly because I just don't want to know. These last few months have been a serious bender. But also because the scale just doesn't tell me enough. Am I losing weight because I'm losing muscle mass? Am I gaining because I'm gaining muscle mass?  Maybe I'll compromise--the first apple and banana are free? I'm not a huge ketchup eater unless I have fries--oven fries are a staple for me. But maybe the ketchup is ok since it's not a daily thing.

I AM excited to just not feel so overstuffed. This feeling will last until I have to deny myself the first item. Truly, overeating has NOTHING to do with hunger and everything to do with the fact that eating is my favorite thing on earth to do. We went and saw zoo-lights on Saturday night. I was stuffed. But we could eat at the Beastro! And they have pretty good food! And it was zoo-lights! So of course I had pizza and garlic knots, and hot chocolate.

I think it's important this time around that hunger does NOT play a role. That's why I like the WW zero point soup and zero point list (mostly veggies of course). I can't do much about not wanting every food item that I see---well, yes I can. I can work on finding better habits. But my mind is solidly addicted. Gratitude is always helpful though. Here is some.

Funny presents!!
Snow on Christmas Day--perfect, beautiful Christmas snow!!
PERFECT dry weather conditions all through Nov and Dec when we had to drive a lot
Christmas decorations
Christmas music
That the older nursery kids have finally moved on
That Sis. Leishman is in there with us now
Our fireplace
That I had almost all of last week off
The temple
Faith renewed re: Christine
calorie count guides--dieting is horrible, but much less so now than in the 70's
Good health
That Dave snowblowed for me this morning.
exercise dvds
easy access medical care
Settlers of Catan

Monday, December 22, 2014

Bleak January and February

I was thinking about how I'm going to make my January effort work. And I was thinking I need to do something (but what!??) to counteract January and February. I live in Utah and those two months are bleak.

All the Christmas lights go out. All the Christmas music goes out. All the Christmas bills come in. There are  no more parties and potlucks and yummy treats at work. I begin to eat right--which means "eat a whole lot less than I want." No fun Christmas spending. The weather is cold and dark, the driving is scary.  I have to start coming in to work at 8 rather than 8:30 which I don't like. Church goes to the one o'clock schedule--blech. No wonder I don't like dieting! It's not just the food that goes away, but all kinds of things I enjoy go away, and emotionally I blame the diet for everything.

One thing for sure, I'll be traveling somewhere virtual in Jan. That's fun. And although I hate to see the Christmas decorations come down, I do like the spacious feeling of the house. There is lots to look forward to in 2015--it's just those 8 weeks that are tough. March is also bleak and dreary looking, but at least there's usually less snow, so the driving is better and there's the promise of spring.

Cheer up stuff---

Virtual travel
No frantic Christmas running around.
A new class to take
Make serious inroads on learning to draw better, finish book, finish math article--these might not be "fun" but I'll sure feel good getting them done.
Exercise will feel good
Success in my eating right efforts will feel good.
I think I'll plan a little "winter get-away" I even have a free hotel stay I can use.

It'll be ok. At least I know it's not only the diet that's making me feel bereft.  I'd better keep up the gratitude project during those months. Here's a little for today

New author discovery! Stephanie Barron--there are 11 books I haven't read yet!
Fun family Christmas party last night
That Lisa drove everyone--probably saved Dad's life.
1/2 hour to Christmas vacation!
The little nap I took at work.
That Camille is cleaning up the kitchen.
That Catherine intercepted Dave's package
That I was able to walk to work today
That I only have 1 more week of some of the kids in nursery!!
That I'm not alone in nursery!
My funny co-workers

Friday, December 19, 2014

Still looking for the middle

Sean wrote a wonderful post today about never giving up even if you're way off track with no motivation to get back on. He assures us that we'll get back on track. Thank goodness for that, but I still distrust the "Click." What clicks on, can just as easily click off. How and what do I do when the click goes off?  I suppose I can just try and maintain, but when my click goes off, it is well and truly off and I'm not interested in maintaining or making any effort at all. Maybe I'm just so convinced that I can't succeed that I make sure I pack the weight back on as quickly as I can to prove to myself that I'm right? But why should that worry me--I already live in the land of success for many people.

Although I weigh 200 plus pounds just now, that is DREAM WEIGHT for Sean, and plenty of others, especially the poor souls who are super obese. I walk, I took a PE class. I can sit in movie theater seats, go to any sporting event and go to the top of the bleachers, I ride in airplanes and buy clothes off the rack. Dream lifestyle!! In a lot of important ways, I DO live the life of the thin. That's what I want to focus on. Losing weight isn't scary or different, it's will only enable me to do the things I already  do a little more easily.  I actually DO maintain a weight that would be nirvana for some. I'm not that big comparitively. That sounds like great psychology for purposes of self-sabotage, but not so great for motivation. If it's only a "small" change, what will motivate me to make the effort to make it happen? Maybe I can think of it as a small change with BIG consequences. No diabetes (I hope), better self-esteem. But I'll still be the same person.


I like that. It's good to be the same person, because I am a GOOD and wonderful person and I really resent the media implying that I am inferior because I have this problem. We ALL have problems. So, no resentment---because if I drop the weight it doesn't make any kind of fundamental difference anyway. I can be free to drop.

I don't know why that's important but I can sense that it is for me.

Maybe I should just go with the idea that I can use the diet industry as a guide and I should do the exact opposite of whatever they think is motivating.

A little gratitude

So glad Dad didn't seriously damage that car the other night
Christine is coming to events more on time
Catherine's home for the holidays
Money--it's been a long time coming, but we really have enough--it feels so good!
My fun office

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


My New Year's resolutions are starting to make an appearance. One of them is to see a nutritionist. I will do this in January. As you know, I'm way off the diet wagon and as a result my clothes are tight BUT I'm off my bladder medication and my fingernails are strong and healthy. What on earth is going on???

I really feel like what I eat when I'm watching it, is not all that different from what I eat when I'm not. When I'm not dieting, I eat a lot more cheese and much larger portions and a LOT more desserts. But surely the desserts aren't helping anything physically? And the larger portions? I would say that maybe I'm low in calcium or dairy when I diet, except that I'm not. I'm a milk drinker and have cheese almost every day whether on a diet or not. When I'm trying to watch what I eat, I do eat a lot more vegetables, but surely that's a good thing?

Other resolutions--really and truly to get out the non-fic book proposal. Also to understand our retirement accounts, AARP discounts and the skymiles program.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The devil works on you

I'm thinking of the phrase "snatching failure out of the jaws of success." I'm sure in the weight-loss world I've done that over and over and over. I think Satan is real and there is nothing he delights in more than getting us to quit just as we're about to succeed.

What happened last time? I was tired, I was bored. But I think I was worn out from previous non-working attempts too. What if I had had my approach when I started with weight watchers? Could have held on until the end? I think maybe I could have. I must be content to go slow which I never am. But better slow than not at all.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Back at work

I've been sick these past few days--naturally, my appetite has been fine. I dragged myself into work today, but I'll be glad when the day is over. Holly, my favorite blogger, posted how discouraged she is because she's gained weight back and isn't motivated at all to do anything about it. THAT sounds familiar. I posted this as a comment.

Thank you so much for this post!! I feel exactly the same way. I'm trying to rake up the will to try again--probably around New Year, which has never worked before, but I'm trying to believe that it will now.

Except, that after reading your post I DO believe it!!! Because when I read your post all I see is success, which makes me realize that I HAVE been and AM successful too!!!  Will I finally reach goal weight? I don't know. But I will have success, and I will weigh far less than I might otherwise. So, to hell with the scale and the tape measure. Success in weight control is exactly the same for me as success in any other endeavor---charity, kindness, gratitude, thank goodness there isn't a way to quantify those, or I might have given up years ago I'm so far from perfect.

I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I have NO IDEA what the journey of weight loss even looks like. Maybe weight gains, stalls and total loss of motivation are just a natural part of the journey. It's as silly to give up on ourselves in those places as it would be to give up on a hike because there is a hill ahead or a rock in our shoe.

     I do feel better now that I've written that. Every day of success is just that. A success. I've hit a bump. That's ok. Even inevitable. I'll keep on going. God is the one in charge here. If I fight my whole life and stay the same size, I'll have succeeded because I never gave up and I'll be blessed. So, I'm going to try as hard as I can and in the meantime just enjoy my wonderful body that takes me everywhere and does everything.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Breakfast plenty

Thank goodness for people around me. We had our staff Christmas breakfast today. Of all buffets, I love breakfast ones the most. But I was sitting with the skinny people in my office, so I was forced to be much more reasonable than I would have been naturally. And it was ENOUGH. More than enough. It's three o'clock and I'm just now beginning to get hungry. The pretty blond I work with just said the same thing, so I really think that down deep, I'm a normal person, I just can't seem to say NO when food is in front of me. Maybe I should hire a body guard or Jillian Michaels to exert peer pressure. I would hate that so much.

Anyway---I love the holidays. The beauty more than the food. I was thinking, if I had to choose, there are actually a few things that I would choose over food. Books. Also really great theming or decorations. A visual experience is more important to me than food. Of course, I live in America and can usually pair food with both of those things to make me insanely happy, but it's nice to know that I'm not completely obsessed (only mostly).

Some things I'm grateful for today:

That I don't suffer from depression.
That I have the gospel
My job
Dave doing such a great job with Dad last night.
That the Christmas party will be at my house
Christmas stories

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Others are broken

Fast Sunday today--my body is saying THANK YOU. My mind not so much, but that's ok. I seem to be coming across scriptures about self-mastery. Also, the RS lesson I was reading was about self-reliance and self-mastery. I need to be looking those up actively, but I haven't been, so I appreciate the Lord helping out.

I'm also seeing some scary visual examples of others who are overweight (all more than me) and having BIG problems because of it. One lady is older than I am and is constantly sick and constantly having knee and leg issues. One is much younger, but is having foot problems, the one who is heaviest, snapped three ligaments in her foot for no reason at all. She says she "just took a step." It sounds like what happens when my knee goes out.

No thanks!! If I must get rickety and have problems because I'm getting older, so be it. But I really DON'T want problems of my own making.  I think this is the worst detour I've had since starting this blog. I wish so much I didn't have to worry or work at it, that I begin to believe that I really can. Not yet. My mind is still much too focused on food. I am, however, going to do everything I can to make my next attempt as little like a diet as possible and as much as the famous "lifestyle" change that everyone talks about. It's only a few small tweaks on the last attempt, but I hope it will make a difference.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Oh my

Oh my oh my oh my. What am I doing? All I want to do is to eat what I want with no consequences. Darn it!! The universe is simply not working my way. Today is especially bad.

Normal breakfast
Snack--1/2 einsteins bagel with schmear---oops
Lunch--saucy meatballs w peas. Alas, we didn't have time to get the magic zero cal noodles
dessert--an apple spice cake doughnut
various small chocolates

Tonight--department dinner at Maddox--fabulous steak and raspberry rolls.

A couple big problems besides the obvious, is that I'm not really hungry. When I eat when I'm not hungry, thats when I gain weight.

Exercise is the number 2 problem. I re-injured my knee in kettlebell on tuesday. I took it easy on Wednesday and babied myself in kettlebell yesterday. I didn't feel as though it would be smart to walk to work today--part of the problem is that I've lost the sleeve for my knee. I'm going to have to replace that. I felt weird yesterday at kettlebell. I didn't WANT to work out, and it's true there were a lot of things that I shouldn't do, but should I have done more? It's so hard for me to tell if I have a genuine reason not to work out,because I'll seize onto lame excuses so fast.

Can I just do ordinary, simple things daily--as in eat in moderation--to conquer this problem? Alas, not without outside help it appears. I KNOW this. I just don't want to believe it. Amazing how stubborn the mind can be. Amazing, how delicious food is. I admit to some excitement beginning to flare up. This is typical of this point in the yo-yo cycle. Yes, there will be a few changes. Are they enough to enable me to stick to a plan? At least until my clothes fit again?  Only time will tell because apparently, I'm not in control at all here.

I AM thankful though for many things

Hilarious cereal--colon blow.
Time for gift wrapping
Enough money for some gifts
Working cars

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Goulash tonight

Wylie's goulash tonight, very healthy--my body might reject. :)  Still easing back toward normal, this feels like the right thing to be doing at this time. Today for breakfast I had a small roll with butter and cheese, chocolate milk and two cuties. Lunch will be at the institute--ergo, a disaster, but dinner should be fine. I also did a kettlebell workout, so that's all good.

I want to keep adding thankful things as often as I can. Today,

I'm thankful that Dave finally apologized

Monday, December 1, 2014

Easing back to normal

OKAY!! I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break. The less said about the food, the better. Friday scared me a little as it was one of the very few times in my life that I ate myself into a slight stomachache. Saturday, still full, I downed a fancy burger at a new place downtown and later followed it up with pizza. Yesterday, was the day I decided to start being a little more reasonable. I wasn't quite prepared to count calories--too drastic, tomorrow is the institute luncheon, Friday is Dave's dept dinner. But other things can be fine. Yesterday was still probably way more than I should have had but it was at least normal-ish.

Breakfast--one pancake, milk, fruit
Lunch--the other slice of pizza (huge thin crust slice from Lucky Slice), some jalapeno nuggets, olives, the crust of Dave's cheesecake
Dinner---early--because we thought we were going to SLC. I was still full. I had a smallish portion of turkey tetrazzini, and a small portion of carrot souffle and yams. NOTHING in that dinner was remotely healthy. The turkey tet had heavy cream and cheese, carrots are a full blown dessert and the yams are marginal.
Dessert--a real piece of the salted caramel cheesecake--and yes, that is every bit as delicious as it sounds.

Today is the last day of my night class, hallelujah!! And again, the goal is to be somewhat normal.
Breakfast--cream of wheat with fruit, 2 slices bacon, a little milk and oj
snack--a few oyster crackers
Lunch--two openface turkey sandwiches on omi bread, cup o soup, an apple and a handful of oyster crackers. The crackers are drenched in oil then baked. Terrific. At least I only make them once a year if that's an excuse.
Dinner-I brought a reasonable sized serving of Turkey tettrazini, and some cabbage salad. There might be last night desserts at my class.

Also, I walked to work today. My leg is still bad. I'm wondering if it really was my knee that slipped out. I'll wait and see how I do after the kettlebell class is over.

Will probably really start trying next week, but obviously December is full of problems that I'm not interested in solving. Catherine's birthday, our work potluck, my bookclub lunch buffet, our work Christmas breakfast, the ward dinner, and of course, Christmas itself. Even still though, I can at least try on days where nothing is going on and also during the other meals on difficult days. Also, now that my leg is at least somewhat better, I can exercise too.

Thursday, November 27, 2014


1. Macy's parade
2. Sesame st
3. Arthur's perfect christmas
4. Kids meal toys
5. Vaccines
6. The merc
7. Parades
8. Pride and p. and bbc version
9. Scripture headings
10. Daredevils
11. Sunday game night
12. Homemade bread
13. Harry potter world
14. Magicians
16. Puns
17. English accents
18. Marching bands
19. The weather channel
20. Edelweiss store

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Pre thanksgiving

I think we're all set for thanksgiving. truly, unless there is a major health problem! there's no reason to worry about food on thanksgiving! Christmas and he 4th of July.

1. Big hero 6
2. That the roads will be clear tomorrow
3. Creative people.
4. Stranded at plimoth plantation
5. Verna mead
6. Pentagon and and other Capella groups
7. Movie popcorn
8. Star Trek
9. Tigger tummy
10. Sheet music
11. A break from harp
12. Alarm clocks--handy if annoying
13. English.com
14. That I don't have a dog
15. The exercise bike
16.that the table fits in the living room
17. That I can spell
18. My old humor column
19. A working oven
20 fancy holiday cookware

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Contention and aussie bites

Boy I HATE, hate, hate contention of any kind! Dave had a tiff with his sister, Margie. Margie lives 2000 miles away. Still too close for contention. It's not realistic to expect to go through life without ever contending with anyone. For me, the good news that this is not really my fight, but the bad news is that I can't really do anything about it either. I suggested to Dave this morning that he should apologize, not for his opinion, but for making Margie feel bad. I feel like that's as far as I should go on this one.

Anyway. Thanksgiving break after today!!!! YAY!!!! And today is a nice day too. Only two more days of kettlebell class, thank goodness. I still want to do these workouts, but on my own time, and it will be nice not to have to change at work anymore. I suspect that I'll feel this in my arms tomorrow.
At work today people brought clementines and aussie bites. The aussie bites are these super-healthy little cakey things. I really liked them, but I looked at the calories 130. Fine, but I still had two. Ouch. It just reminds me how far off the track I am. One change I will make if I try my system again, which I probably will after all, is to make more of a point of COUNTING gentle exercise and DOING gentle exercise. Sometimes it's much more difficult for me to do a slow walk around the duck pond than it is to do a hard workout. That's because I imagine that the slow walk does nothing. IT DOES!! In my mind, it earns 50 calories for 1/2 hour.  I also had trouble with getting that first 1/2 hour of exercise in because in my mind it should be something that I consider "worth" doing--not just a lame lap. Well---that doesn't always come first. This time I'm going to appreciate the efforts I make a little more. Lame effort counts and I am determined to eat the calories accordingly--it will still be within moderate range but hopefully, I'll be able to be much more consistent if I lower expectations a little.

1. Gum
2. Margie--she's such a fun person
3. For time to clean house tonight
4. That I seem to have been able to nip that cold. I feel much better.
5. For the big bag of plastic fall leaves that Catherine found for me
6. That my rewrite isn't too bad--and neither is my final
7. That orientation is going well today
8. That the orientation shirt fits. (this isn't great. It's a size 2x because these are truly built weird, but it would have been super depressing if it hadn't fit.)
9. That Andrew called yesterday and the money should come soon.
10. That I'm presenting with Nikki who is so cute.
11. That I found out about how the bookclub lunch works
12. For an office door that closes
13. The other car is fixed!
14. I have tomorrow off
15. That Thanksgiving day will be clear--no snow
16. That Catherine could make pumpkin bread for the Gooches today
17. warm blankets
18. Dorothy Sayers movies
19. Good teachers
20. That Dave works with good people.

Monday, November 24, 2014

New Motto

This needs to be my motto for weight loss. Seriously, Just stop quitting. This will work well for harp for writing for running, for gardening for anything where I'm constantly having to regain ground.

I'm still working on my big questions---HOW can I make eating less feel like a sustainable lifestyle? How do I break this pattern?  First two or three days the diet is easy---it takes that long to clear the junk out of my system, then 1-3 weeks of reasonable good will, then crashing boredom and resentment. That's because none of the systems I have tried feel like a lifestyle change--they all feel like a diet. Exception would be the book, "You on a Diet" which emphasized eating real food. That concept feels like a sustainable change and I will continue to work on that, but the book degenerates into a horrific sounding diet at the end. I also need to address fear of being thin---not even thin, just a healthy weight. WHAT is the problem? Am I afraid of anger? Or is it not fear at all--just plain anger? I'll explore that a minute:

I'm finally a healthy weight

WHY didn't mom raise me to just BE this way???
Now there's no prom for me to go to.
It's too late to be popular in high school or college
Now I could have married the sexiest man on the planet
Had I done this earlier, my whole life would have been different!! I've missed my life!!!
I've missed my life AND now I'm stuck eating chicken breast forever.

I think I can answer most of these questions with just a little simple gratitude and good sense--I don't know if this will help, but it won't hurt.

Mom came from wartime Germany. She DID fix healthy, normal dinners. True, there weren't many veggies, and Mom and Dad had NO idea of sports, but I really wasn't very overweight despite all that. I only thought that I was. It isn't Mom's fault that I live in a world where ridiculous food is constantly being advertised and offered to me. There isn't anybody to blame here. This is a weakness--but everyone has weaknesses, if it wasn't food, it would certainly be something else just because none of us is perfect.

I missed prom. More than that, I missed dating a lot in general. This has FAR less to do with weight than it did with self-confidence. Jana, was heavier than I was and she was one of the most popular girls in school. Being overweight wasn't all bad--I hope I grew up to be a little more thoughtful than a flighty party-girl. I think I would have just liked the option to have been a party girl and feel cheated that I wasn't. But am I a party girl really?  a little bit. But fun for me is more being on vacation, or curling up with a great book or starting a new craft. I've NEVER liked small talk and I HATE peer pressure and jr. high politics. I think that would have been the same at any weight. I really just don't care that much about hair and clothes. I might have cared a little more if I had felt prettier, but I bet not that much more. ALSO--who says I would have been all that pretty or popular had i been thinner? I've never known what to do with my hair. There were lots of skinny unpopular girls. I can't blame weight for not having been popular. Note--maybe I was more popular than I give myself credit for.

Marry the sexiest man. UGH! My life would have been miserable had I married Stu or any of his self-centered look alikes. Not all good looking guys are self centered of course. I'm in a marital rut right now. Dave IS very good looking and smart and does dishes and laundry. He isn't very outgoing or openly friendly. Okay. Is that so terrible? No! He's a sweetheart who will help anybody. I can match him fault for fault anytime---probably beat him too. This is a pure case of the "grass is always greener." He's very patient with me and I can't imagine growing old with anyone else. It's the old regret that I didn't date a million guys. But Catherine's roommates ARE dating a million guys, and truly, I don't think I missed that much.

I missed my life!!  Baloney. I've had and continue to have the most amazing life. The only thing I've missed is being a Bimbo. I'd like to think that if I had been thinner I would have had more confidence and that would have translated into better grades, a better job and being a better person in general. Not so. My best friend was thin, beautiful and popular and she married straight out of high-school and had 5 kids. Yuck. I served a mission, went to college, and traveled all over the world. I would never trade lives. Maybe God put me in the circumstances to be given a weight problem to protect me from the bimbo aspect of myself and give me the opportunity to have an amazing life. It's okay to lose weight now so I can continue to have an amazing life.

I'll be stuck eating chicken breast forever. No. But I do need to consistently eat less than I do and it's true I have not resolved this happily. But that's not a past regret. It's a current one. But I like to cook, and I like healthy receipes. This is a big plus. I even like to exercise somewhat another big plus. I need to work on gratitude to conquer greed. Nobody ever talks about greed anymore. I need to hear messages on this.

THERE. It's safe to lose weight. I haven't missed my life and my husband is a dear who will support me 100%.

1. That I can skip class tonight and go to bed early.
2. That C was able to get to the dollar store for me.
3. That Ashley was a pleasant appt after all.
4. clementines
5. The institute Christmas lunch--so festive!
6. That I'm done seeing students today!
7. For fantasy artists
8. For airconditioning
9. For central heat
10. For running water esp hot--we didn't have it in Japan
11. For handy invention like scissors and zippers
12. The art of James Christensen and his puzzles
13. For the upcoming amazing disney legos
14. That Catherine can drive
15. German decorating--geraniums and white lace curtains
16. The great brain books
17. Shaun the Sheep
18. So glad for a long weekend.
19. That Dan fixed my printer settings today
20. Mom's rocky picture in my office

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Little snow

So much to be thankful for today! I'm still not in a very good place with food, but I feel a little better overall. I seem to work by opposites. I saw some people today that are a little heavier than I am and  have put on a little more weight besides. No thanks. I just don't want to do that. I'm also wondering about the wisdom of almost anything from the medical/diet community.  I read a good post about dieting myths, and another about what the real culprits of weight gain are. Are they milk and butter and meat that people have been eating for centuries with no problem? Or are they all the new processed foods and sugar and less exercise? Hmmmmmm.   This makes me wonder about two diet "facts" water and breakfast. I have no problem drinking a lot of water, but do I really need to stress about it? I don't think so. People didn't used to carry water bottles with them everywhere. The first thing people lose is always water weight---would that be because we're carrying around too much water?  Just a thought. I'm not planning on cutting back on water. I don't worry about it too much, and I think I'll keep not worrying. The other "fact" is breakfast. Yes, I know I need it to boost my metabolism and it's been proven that people who eat breakfast weigh less. But not everybody is the same. Often, I'm not really hungry for breakfast (Unless I'm dieting), I eat it because I'm "supposed" to and everyone tells me that I should. But I'm like Hollie in that way. Once I start eating, it's game on and I don't want to stop. Might it not be better to delay the start? I think I'm going to experiement with less or no breakfast (assuming that I really don't want anything just then). Does that really make me voraciously hungry later? If not, and I don't miss it, then that's at least 300-500 calories less everyday without effort.

I missed posting yesterday, but it should be easy to think of things I'm grateful for.

1. That the car is running so beautifully!!!
2. That it isn't leaking oil!
3. That I could go to Provo yesterday and get Catherine
4. That Catherine might be making a little medical headway
5. That she really wanted to see me.
6. That I got to do some Christmas shopping in the bookstore and art museum.
7. That we got to go Thanksgiving grocery shopping and buy so many wonderful things.
8. That I have Wednesday off to cook
9. That the weather on the way to Provo was clear
10. That although it rained on the way home, it wasn't torrential and I have good tires and felt safe.
11. That the weather was perfect for the drive to SLC today.
12. That Riley did fine in the Primary Program.
13. That Lisa fixed us a delicious lunch
14. For the funny kids in the program
15. For Lisa's good lesson that inspired me to set some real harp goals.
16. That my psych paper is at 88% so the rewrite should definintely put me in the A range.
17. That we're going to POLAND this summer!!
18. That Dave is back safe
19. That the radio didn't work yesterday so I could practice my talk
20. That I got to cuddle Catherine while watching Sherlock yesterday

1. That Catherine is becoming my best friend ever
2. Our new Christmas Shaun the sheep video
3. The cute wooden trees we bought at the expo.
4. The AMEX card that allows us disasters like the car
5. For a break from nursery today
6. For the video that Lisa showed her class
7. For the loveable people in our ward
8. That I can sing
9. That none of us have to go anywhere far this week
10. For sunday naps
11. That personal peace is possible
12. Lysine for cold sores
13. That our time on this earth is limited
14. Nutella
15. dips and spreads
16. My book of victorian mysteries
17. Dorothy Gilman
18. calulators
19. Morgan, and her love of the Lord
20. Our new SSC shirts.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Stupid and addictive

I came very close to doing something stupid yesterday and ordering a quack diet pill. Those things are so tempting. The rationale for me is, "Who cares if it's a little dangerous? Being overweight is dangerous!"  But no. I did some internet research and of course there's no real research. Disappointing. If there were a pill I'd buy it like that. I'm not in a very good place with food just now. I'm frustrated and over-full. Here's one problem. Yesterday after the big lunch, I was full. But I WANTED to be hungry for dinner so I could eat rolls and dipping sauces and bacon. Tonight too. I have a totally free night. I even walked home from work early to pick up the car to pick up the newly fixed car, so I can drive home and not feel guilty. I'm going to put up the outdoor Christmas tree and do a little cleaning and Thanksgiving planning, but mostly I'm going to kick back and watch Sherlock. AND I want food with this. I want to be hungry and I want to satisfy that hunger with something appealing like mall greek food, or maybe Zupas, or maybe costa vida. I don't know, but I don't want anything reasonable. In the back of my mind I think I was fantasizing about my pregnancy eating. That was intuitive and I lost a TON of weight ---or at least 30 pounds very quickly. I figured out that I can't do that. I'm not pregnant and not nauseous and my appetite is back to it's normal voraciousness. When I was losing weight being pregnant I probably was eating 1200 cal or less. It's what my body AND mind wanted then. My mind now wants more like 5,000 cal a day and my body is saying, "Sure, bring it on." I CAN'T diet. Literally. Sure I could go back to my program and that's going to last how long? It's still tempting, because it's much more agreeable to me then weight watchers was and I did lose weight on weight watchers. Could I lose even more on my plan before I self-destruct? Can I stick to it long enough to actually hit maintenance? I'm I approaching the "I'm so fed up with being fat that I'll do anything?"  Yes.  I often wonder if I had done something more reasonable than the Diet Center in college if I would have succeeded? I got quite far, but it was a ridiculous program. If weight watchers was anything realistic would I have gotten farther last time? i don't know.

Wow---many hours later. Not sure what happened. Whatever it was it was the voice of pure addiction. Full blown mind freeze automaton behavior. I was moderately hungry. I went to Costa Vida and got a sweet pork quesadilla with double sour cream and guac and chip and salsa AND queso dip. Took it home, and finished the first episode of Sherlock and all of the quesadilla and a good half of the chips. I'm stuffed, but I want a reeses cup too. What is this?? I seriously considered trying my plan again in January which does several things. Undermines any trust that I have in myself that I can even stick to a plan NOT to diet, while giving me relief that the problem will be addressed soon while still allowing me to eat like a pig tonight and all the next month. This is wholly impervious to logic. What am I trying to do? Gain as much as I possibly can--maybe as a buffer so that even if I lose weight I'll still not go below what I'm comfortable with? Whoa. Gotta explore THAT thinking. What's so scary about being normal weight? Do I really think I'll suddenly be Sandra Bullock knockout gorgeous? I'm 50 years old! But I do have nice proportions. I will look a lot better. Am I afraid of being discontented? Why? I can do anything I want. More, if I'm normal weight.

More thinking about that later. For now, there is LOTS to be grateful for today

1. The car is fixed!!
2. I can drive it to Provo tomorrow and get my girl!
3. She doesn't have to have exploratory surgery
4. We can go Thanksgiving shopping together.
5. Christine sent an email today
6. The car has new tires, so even if it rains/snows I should be ok.
7. Daves plane arrives at the most convenient possible time.
8. Last night's lecture was interesting
9. Fun books at the library today
10. I didn't feel like spending a million dollars at Deseret Book
11. The Ogden temple is open
12. Jill said yes to the office Christmas tree.
13. Chris Marx has a new grandbaby and seems to be recovering from her weber disaster
14. Printing out the banners for Major Fest won't be that hard
15. Beautiful warm day! I walked to work and set up the outside tree
16. My addiction, while bad, could be sooo much more dangerous
17. Wise books/people that help me to understand/forgive Christine
18. That I kept track of everyone's donation so I could easily refund it yesterday
19. That I feel needed in this world
20. That "A Christmas Carol" was checked in so I can use it for my talk.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The first good enough lunch

Oh dear--I did indeed plot out a good enough homemade roll lunch. All I can say is that it works out to be a WHOLE lot less than I ate yesterday. Sigh. I wish I didn't want so much. Unless I'm recovering from the flu, I just plain want too much. Oh well---carry on, carry on, carry on and try not to mind too much that none of my clothes fit? Breakfast today was fine, I wasn't hungry so I only had a banana and a little oJ and a string cheese. Had a good workout in kettlebells. Lunch?

It was an appreciation buffet. Salad, pasta, bread stick, and really good chocolate cake. Control? Are you kidding? The only control was peer pressure and it didn't exert much influence. I wonder if left to myself I would have chosen differently? It would have been at least equally bad---two breadsticks for a starter, but I might have had smaller portions and 2 pieces of cake. Or maybe the same portions and two pieces of cake? Maybe it's good my co-workers were there. We'll see what happens for dinner. Dave is out of town so I don't even have to pretend to have good sense.

Since Pizza is an obvious Friday night regular meal, I will sit down and work out a "Good Enough" version of this. "Good Enough" here is going to be 800 cal.

1. That Dave is in San Antonio safely
2. The enrollment services appreciation lunch--nice surprise--nice cake
3. Craft stores
4. Internet White pages
5. That I don't seem to have downloaded a virus
6. hershey's kisses
7. Calorie guides
8. thin lenses for glasses
9. That I know right from wrong (generally at least!)
10. ear muffs
11. I'm hugely humbled when I go to Make-A-Wish and see the kids' wishes and realize that I have done almost all of them. My life is rich
12. That I've gotten to sing with the Tabernacle choir
13. That I made chorale in high school--it meant a lot to me.
14. That corsets are no more
15. For inspiring students
16. That I didn't have to be a first gen college student--hard road!
17. At the moment, that I don't live in Buffalo
18. warm blankets
19. That i haven't been too sleepy today despite weird sleep last night
20. The live turkeys while I worked at ACT

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

how can I eat less??

The big question today and always...HOW can I eat less?  Really. HOW?? To eat less means that on that day or at that minute I want to lose weight more than I want to eat. There are times and days when the misery of being fat DOES overwhelm the desire to eat. But not all the time. Not even most of the time. I was thinking if I could just take things day by day--What could I do TODAY to be successful? Well...I'll walk home, I can drink water, I can exercise my knee. But in addition to all that (which I normally do anyway), I need to eat a little less. What is "a little?" does it mean giving up my second roll that I brought for lunch? Because, these are homemade rosemary rolls and I brought oil to dip them in and I'm looking forward to them WITH the cheese. So, no that won't work. Breakfast was pretty good, but then, breakfast usually is. Snacks? Dinner? Sigh. The daily "think ahead" simply feels like too much effort. I still LOVE Dr. Oz's concept of eating real food. I can do better with vegetables. But I don't want to blow up to 250 while I'm "doing better" with veggies. Changes are simply going to HAVE to be things that I really will do daily. There are a lot of things that I habitually eat. Can I make small changes there? over time, that should add up. I like the feel of that. I just struggle with impatience. For example. I used to habitually eat two tortillas any time I made fajitas. Now I habitually eat one, but I go back and have a little extra. Back to writing stuff down--identifying if it's habitual AND looking for an improvement. Also, I think it's important to acknowledge when I've made it. When what I'm doing is Good Enough--it never feels as though anything is ever Good Enough. But much of what I do is and I need to celebrate that, and BUILD on that.

Today--I had a GOOD ENOUGH breakfast!

Cream of wheat made with milk, and berries. A small glass of OJ. Two slices of bacon.

Yes, the bacon could go---but I love it, it's only 90 cal and overall my breakfast was GOOD ENOUGH!!

Lunch will be: a lipton cup of soup, 2 rosemary rolls, a good size slug of olive oil, mozzarella cheese an apple, a small brownie---like the infamous 1/16 of the pan size.

     Ok---this is a semi-habitual lunch--although I usually don't indulge in the olive oil. I carefully avoided looking at the amount of calories the oil will have. I also usually add olives to this, but today I forgot.  Here's what I will do---TODAY I will figure out how to make this lunch 600 cal. That's still a hefty lunch--but it's a GOOD ENOUGH lunch. If each of my meals really did equal 600 cal or less I'd be in good shape--especially, with a lighter breakfast.

I think I'll start a little recipe looking file--with my favorite lunches, dinners and snacks. When I make lasagne--MY lasagne, what is a 600 calorie meal? Because you know there has to be garlic bread involved.  This is sounding good to me. Kind of a very modified gentle calorie count based on what I really eat. I can also add "bonus" healthy points to help me remember to do them. For example--I could have put cinnamon on my cream of wheat. Sometimes, I do use whole wheat flour when I make rolls, although I don't like that as well--so it isn't mandatory, but Yay me if I do it.

Actually, I think I have room in my regular yellow reciepe book for the first installments of Good Enough Meals. It's a start. I feel a little better now.

1. That Andrew the banker came to work today
2. That the trust might be transferred by Christmas.
3. For Laura Levine silly mysteries. (I think I'll write her a thanks)
4. That I don't feel compelled to have plastic surgery--I'm ok (sort of) with getting old
5. That we have enough to give to others
6. That the Gooch's can lend us a table for Thanksgiving
7. For fall leaves
8. Sherlock Holmes
9. Dad for exposing me to the wonder of books
10. Discovery of olives
11. Japanese bathtubs
12. The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
13. The dali lama--and Portrait of Tibet
14. For people who annoy me, because I can see I have things to work on
15. For internet news--all those pictures of buffalo new york!
16. For piles of Christmas catalogs
17. For the lightning fast WSU copy center
18. That I like to shovel snow
19. For our fireplace
20. For the google drive

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

fast lunch

How can people like to eat fast? Especially heavy people? Slow eating is one good habit that I cherish. I don't know if I eat any less because of it, but since eating is my favorite thing, I like to make it last as long as possible. I'm thinking of it now because I was a judge for FBLA this morning and although my lunch was free, it was rushed which I hate. All my speakers talked about child labor and sweat shops. Unbelievable that such things could be happening now, in my modern world. 

1. That I wasn't forced into child labor
2. Or prostitution or any other horror
3. For mission emails
4. That I got to judge FBLA
5. That my sweet husband will always support me, drive me etc. 
^. That my final exam is a take home
7. That I can take a class in cognition next sem. How interesting is that??
8. That I can walk home today
9. That I can have a warm dinner and hot chocolate after I do
10. For visiting teaching--it's a pain, but worth it.
11. For ethic food
12. That I"m not color-blind
13. For the sheer goodness of the lives of my co-workers
14. For sleep
15. That I've had 50 years of good health
16. That David and Linda recorded Mom before she died
17. That Amie's little girl is ok
18. That Catherine doesn't have ADD
19.  That I don't weigh 600 pounds
20. Encyclopedias

Monday, November 17, 2014


I ran a metabolic formula on the internet supposing that I weighed 155. The base calorie need for that is about 1400 PLUS any kind of physical activity bumps it up several hundred calories. 1800 cal should be about my magic happy place. And the really happy thing is that 1800 cal is doable. Sort of. when I'm not constantly derailed by exceptions which I always am. But it's nice to know that what I'm shooting for is not a life sentence of water and celery sticks. Or even "delicious" meals consisting of 4 pieces of shrimp (ala a weight watchers commercial). I need to do MUCH better, but at least the goal isn't completely impossible.

1. That I got Mom's SS number
2. That Lisa isn't mad at me about finding the SS number
3. That tomorrow is payday
4. That I might get out of class early tonight
5. That I got a head's up about the FBLA competition
6. That escape the room is in Salt Lake!
7. That I don't suffer from horrible food allergies
8. Carol Burnett
9. Dorothea Dix
10. That it'll be warm enough to walk to work next week
11. That medical care is so easily available
12. For a terrific primary presidency
13. For CS Lewis and all of his work
14. Pretty drives to Logan with the cheese factory at the end
15. The waterfall canyon trail
16. Rainbow gardens--great random shopping
17. That Mom's grave is close
18. That I know I'll see her again
19. That the city is taking our house--so we get to move w/o worrying (much) about selling
20. For meaningful work

Sunday, November 16, 2014


I had such a fun day yesterday! We took the train to the Sandy Expo, but we were all hungry so we decided to stop for lunch before seeing the Christmas Gift Giving expo. I forgot that one of my favorite restaurants is right there. We ate at the Southwest Cantina. I like this place because it has a salsa bar and you can have as many chips as you like. I ordered my favorite fattening smothered jalapeno cream cheese chimichanga. But at least I split the meal. Hopefully that counts for something.

I enjoyed plenty of free food samples at the expo, but I didn't need/want or eat the pastries that Dave bought later. There was no discipline in this. It's simply where my food habits are. The problem is that my food habits are simply set 50 degrees too high and I'm having a devil of a time changing them.  I spent a lot of time walking and standing and I hopefully spent a lot of calories trying to stay warm as we waited over an hour in 27 degree weather for the train.

1. Really happy moments
2. Seeing Helmut and Janet
3. That Catherine could leave her backpack with Helmut and Janet
4. Free Samples
5. Little girls trying to dance
6. The peruvian wood booth and other wonders I saw yesterday
7. That I have a warm house
8. laughter
9. The truth of, "This too, shall pass"
10. Lord of the Rings
11. Alexander McCall Smith
12. Nativity scenes
13. Launa Dickson for her help in nursery and the great job she does with choir
14. Heros, like Mahlala and the Afghan Women's cycling team. I hope they make the Olympics
15. The Olympics
16. Charlie Brown Shows
17. The far side
18. Calvin and Hobbes
19. The sacrament
20. A new pillow

Saturday, November 15, 2014


Ugh!  I left my food list at work,but the important thing is that for dinner I ate three pieces of pizza, a salad and a hefty number of chocolate chip cookies with milk. The good news is that at least I was overfull. The bad news is that I ate it at all. WHY did I do that to myself?  I think the reason is the no-longer baggy pants. My knee is being very slow to heal too---a direct result of being overweight. These things trigger a, "diet is coming soon" mentality and so I start eating like every meal is my last. At least I think that's what's going on.  I don't want to go back on a diet. It doesn't work. I hate being this weight. But I also hate the misery of dieting only to arrive right back here . I'm in no mood to be moderate today either. We're going to the big Christmas gift show, and the part I like best (naturally) is all the free samples. How do I eat less without undereating so much that I cause a revolt? But yet make progress?? How do I measure progress without the scale or the tape measure which causes rebellion?

I'd better think of some gratitude pronto!

1. This blog
2. National Geographic
3. Silly Christmas music like Grandma got run over by a Reindeer
4. Great music like the messiah
5. The Vienna boys choir and their Christmas dvd
6. Playing bananagrams on the train
7. Helmut and Janet
8. Edelwiess store
9. Dry Erase Boards
10.That I don't have to teach elementary school
11. bell ringers
12. The inspiration I'm getting for my talk.
13. body wash
14. waterparks
15. popcorn strings
16. pinterest
17. the waterfall landscaping on my way to work
18. snowplows
19. All weather tires
20. scented candles.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Not baggy

ACK! My "baggy" jeans aren't baggy just now! They fit perfectly. This scares me. I've also decided that I have no concept at all of how to eat lightly. What were the problems yesterday?

Breakfast: I wasn't all that hungry. Should I not have eaten? Should I have just brought a snack to work?
thin bagel with cream cheese, about a 1/2 cup blueberries with milk and spenda, also a glass of milk.
I guess I could have done with less milk.

Snack: trail mix made of walnuts, dates and dk chocolate chips. I didn't mean to eat it all, but I did. It felt good after kettlebell. Was this a mistake? or listening to my body. Could I have thrown 1/4 of it away? Would I then have been overly hungry for lunch?

Lunch: Tasty Thursday. Small sample of African chicken soup. A few sips of a weird drink, and a bite of the apple cinnamon dessert. Sandwich made with good bread, horseradish, deli roast beef, mozzarella cheese, spinach and tomato. Could I have thrown a few bites of that away at the beginning? (Much harder to not eat it all at the end).Olives---ok, I could have had less of those.

Snack: a little movie popcorn. We got the popcorn machine going. Totally unnecessary--I didn't even want it. But I had a few handfuls.

Dinner: Manwich wings, 2 bacon cream cheese rolls, sweet potato fries, blue cheese dressing, ketchup, a few raw veggies.  Those rolls are supposedly only 125 cal each, but probably not when loaded with cheddar. I wasn't particuarly hungry for dinner either. I didn't take what looked like a huge amount, but if it was more than I wanted, then it was too much!

Dessert---didn't want any for once!

I dunno. It's so hard to remember on a daily basis that small choices matter. And I have to be careful. For example, we're going to a Christmas fair tomorrow. Am I more likely to buy a scone if I think I'm being "good" by throwing away a few bites of it? Or is the truth that I would have skipped the scone altogether otherwise. So hard to be honest in the middle of the fight.

1. Thanksgiving dinner at my house!
2. Catherine's coming home tonight.
3. The Christmas fair
4. That I found the Christmas tree jubilee
5. The African music station
6. That I could schedule therapy after work
7. Pan crust pizza at papa murphys
8. that the librarian helped me find the dvd's I wanted and they were ALL checked in!
9. Jamie at work who is so fun to talk to.
10. That it's Friday!
11. The the cat's fur is soooooo soft.
12. sweats
13. That Dave cleans
14. That Dave is so patient with me.
15. That no trial lasts forever.
16. That my boss doesn't hover
17. Christmas stockings--such a fun tradition
18. sauces, chutneys, spices
19. Dorothy Sayers--and the BBC adaptations
20. Amazon.com

Thursday, November 13, 2014

portions? Anyone?

Crud! I've totally let go of the idea that portions mean anything. The concept of small just doesn't compute. On the plus side, I was able to walk to work yesterday--just in time for the cold snap. Kettlebell class is interesting too. I've discovered that I can work MUCH harder and longer than I think I can. I've also discovered that I don't like to. I should have been a farmer like my grandparents. I still wouldn't have liked it, but I wouldn't have had any choice either. I have at least tracked my food. And I'll catch up on gratitude too. :)

Nov 11.
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean sandwich, banana, milk, ok
snack: cracklin oat bran, mini reeses cup
Lunch: sm. amount of soup, the end of the summer sausage, bread and butter, two cookies, apple.
Snack: a reasonable amount of movie popcorn--$1 size
Stagecoach restaurant for dinner: western omelete, hashbrowns, 1 1/2 hotchocolates (I was freezing) a couple bites of cherry pie.
exercise: kettle bell

Nov. 12

Breakfast: muffin, milk, oj
Snack: string cheese
Lunch: chicken with frank's hot sauce (too hot!!), blue cheese, olives, 1 reeses cup, bread and butter, plum.
Dinner--very late b/c visiting teaching.  sugar cookie, chicken with gravy, potato, milk muffin

1. That I've become the "fun" project person at work
2. That I don't have to drive far today
3. For the first snow!
4. Gingerbread cookies
5. The book stranded at plimouth plantation--I read it every thanksgiving
6. That Lisa has a house big and nice enough for gatherings.
7. That our neighbors seems to have taken their dog inside.
8. That Erik seems to have forgiven me.
9. For online language courses
10. for online art courses.
11. Joanne's fabrics
12.  Dinosaurs and museums
13. toilet paper
14. ear muffs
15. cans of frosting (I"m not a good frosting maker)
16. the travelenvelope
17. The new testament--esp the beattitudes
18. That I got to work at REM
19. That I'm not in a wheelchair
20. For Kelly's example of dealing with a major illness with grace.

1. That there's so much laughter at work
2. That I can nap at work
3. That I can walk to the bank
4. That I get immediate notice if I'm overdrawn
5. That I can read
6. That my parents loved me.
7. That a spaceship has landed on a comet!
8. For the exercise bike
9. For concrete blocks and pressboard shelving
10. For our game closet.
11. That I got to sing in Mormon Youth
12. That I got to serve a mission
13. General Conference!
14. That some of the nursery kids will be leaving.
15. That Catherine wasn't a difficult baby
16. For the Taylor's testimony of Christ.
17. For Bro. Davenports updates
18. For the tv trays we inherited
19. For a two car garage.
20. That I dont' have to be on a swim team.

1. That it's Dan and not me doing the data today
2. That I think I can get to the library and get the mafia dvd 's
3. That we live near Yellowstone
4. For the Disney Sunday movies when I was growing up
5. For Tricia's friendship and her family
6. For Debbie
7. That my wedding reception was on the patio--not in the gym
8. That I've shaken the hand of a prophet
10. For Kyle and his love of zoology
11. For Nadine Riddle--so loving
12. That Stephonie Williams is my facebook friend
13. That I COULD publish my diet book
14. That I didn't marry Jeff or Stu, or much worse, Ken
15. That I was born middle-class. Not too rich, poor or famous.
16. That I discovered Pride and Prejudice
17. Many of the PandP spin offs
18. That it's so easy to get help at Weber
19. That English is my native language--helpful in today's world!
20. For my little scripture a day calendar

Tuesday, November 11, 2014


Darn, I was reading about hypothyroidism, sounds like it's hard to diagnose until you really have severe problems. I still want that magic pill. Oh well. Leg is definitely better. Tomorrow I'll try and walk both ways to work.

Breakfast: thin bagel with garden veggie cream cheese, milk, oj, 2 slice bacon.
Lunch: 2 slices of pizza (how come it's not as filling when it's a leftover?) cabbage salad with blue cheese crumbles and olives, reeses cup, 1/2 fun sized kit kat, plum
Snack: jalapeno nuts
Not hungry enough to eat dinner before class, but I should have, I felt exhausted during class. I had jalapeno nuts, a little brie, a mini reeses, a mini almond joy, and one small chips ahoy cookie (boy, those have gotten small and cheap tasting--never buying those again)
Dinner back home: Slice of good bread and butter, cheddar cheese. milk.

1. We don't have to buy a new car! Just a new engine (much cheaper)
2. Escape the room coming to SLC
3. Vocal Point
4. yesterday's sunset
5. silly stuff like the Nearly Naked Mile
6. movies at the megaplex
7. movie popcorn--don't need it, but it's so good!
8. Bryan on facebook, he's so funny
9. Lily, our best catsitter
10. Harry Potter world
11. That panty hose are no longer in style.
12. Paid vacations!
13. People who adopt
14. refrigerators
15. Mr. Rogers
16. Nelson Mandela
17. George Washington and David McCauley for writing the book that brought him to me
18. Warm slippers
19. Crystal Hot Spring
20. Cherry Blossoms

Monday, November 10, 2014


Walked to work today. It went well. i think for me, lots of heat and movement in the right way work well for my body. My leg feels fine, but otherwise, I'm beat. Too much computer, or maybe just too much anticipation of a long class ahead. No matter--the day is still filled with wonderful things.

1. Got the whole NYC trip up in my blog.
2. That I've seen New York!
3. That I walked to work
4. That fall is lingering.
5. That Dave can pick me up to take me home.
6. That I can take a sick day if I need to.
7. Dick Francis books
8. Dan's help with my blog.
9. That I could donate to Sammy's dog
10. To work on campus with Dave
11. Free online art classes!
12. That I can literally go anywhere or do anything I want.
13. Kind relatives like Aunt Mary Jo.
14. Dad's willingness to always help
15. Books on tape and CD
16. That I didn't have to wear braces
17. That I got to live until 50 (and hopefully much more)
18. hot chocolate and fireplaces
19. Escape the room in SLC
20. That my house is usually filled with happiness.


Careless accounting. I don't know what's gotten into me. From memory again.

Breakfast: 1 pancake, a little fruit, milk, diet juice
Snack: two hershey's kisses
Lunch. 1 slice pizza, olives, small amount of butternut squash soup. milk and muffin
Snack: popcorn with olive oil
Dinner: Porkchops and peaches, acorn squash
Dessert;  Did well here! Had planned on another muffin, but was fine after one pumpkin chocolate chip cookie. Had some diet hotchocolate instead and was more than satisfied.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

My daughter just posted that she's thankful I taught her to play the piano. MADE MY DAY!! Those are the important things. Today, the thankful things come first.

1. Catherine's post
2. braces and other physical aids
3. This gorgeous day
4. That I can walk to work tomorrow
5. the superiority of ducks and geese
6. legos
7. The Bishop
8. All the help we got in nursery today
9. our new bed
10. digital cameras
11. The wind and the willows
12. That the Ogden temple is open
13. CS. Lewis
14. popcorn
15 Weight watcher recipeis, for as much as I complain about WW. I AM grateful for much.
16. Sunday naps
17. Saturday morning cartoons
18. Sunday evening documentaries.
19. That Catherine is near enough to come home
20. That she was accepted to BYU

Yesterday's food.

Got up early and went shopping with Dave. He got a doughnut. I was glad to find out that I didn't want one.

Breakfast. ww thin bagel with chive and onion, banana, milk?  Later a chocolate chip, raspberry pistachio muffin.
Lunch: 2 jalapeno biscuits, olives, another muffin
Dinner: a big cobb salad with lt. dressing, most of a slice of bread
Dessert: some dark chocolate.

Saturday, November 8, 2014


Ooops. Didn't do so well having pizza last night. Too much pizza, too many cookies.  Oh well, try again another day. Out of rebellion for doing poorly yesterday--and in defiance of having to change any habits whatsoever, I have made chocolate raspberry pistachio muffins for breakfast this morning. let's just pretend that makes sense.

Yesterday's food.

Breakfast: jimmy dean, banana, milk and oj
Snack--cracklin oat bran,  later 1/2 funsize kitkat
Lunch--squash lasagne, 2 sm. slices bread, little yellow tomatoes with feta cheese and olives. 1 cookie, fun size bag m&m's.
Dinner--2 slices of spicy fennel sausage pizza on pan crust, cabbage salad with feta and olives, 2 bacon jalapeno biscuits.
Dessert--diet hot chocolate with whipped cream, and three cookies that I didn't need or want.

1. Spices
2. Christmas gift wrap
3. Sleeping in on Saturdays
4. John Denver
5. Dr. Fowler who got me to Aruba!
6. repentance
7. Extreme athletes and those who climb Everest and explore dangerous places
8. The new air-conditioner in nursery.
9. That my parents valued education
10. That I'm not extremely famous
11. Stars
12. Quirky places in the world.
13. Buess pond
14. Kathy's pies.
15. raking leaves
16. children's books
17. The idea of virtual traveling
18. Zims
19. Siegfried's deli
20. knitting

Friday, November 7, 2014

Forced hot chocolate

Hopefully, things have stabilized weight-wise, so now things can proceed to go downhill in the weight world.
 Breakfast: jimmy dean, banana, milk and oj
Snack: cracking oat bran
Snack: Reeses cup---no fair! A student came in with a questionnaire about kids and healthy habits, and then passed out reeses cups as thankyou.
Lunch: small amount of cheese soup, 2 sm slices bread, apple, end of the salami (2-3 oz--probably a  hefty calorie load there), 1 cookie
Dinner: ham on a pretzel roll, chips and pickle spear from cornerstone bakery--YUMMY!

Dessert:---I wanted some cookies right after dinner, but decided to do a few other things first. By the time Dave came home and I was all settled, I didn't really want cookies. But I'm still trying to convince myself that I CAN have what I want. So I made some 20 cal hot chocolate and had one cookie. Maybe next time I'll just feel like, "meh" and skip it.

1. Yellowstone park
2. Make a wish foundation
3. That I got to sing in Mormon Youth
4. Temple Square lights
5. 5 k color runs
6. That it's time to put up a new picture of Mom
7. That Dave made it to and from Provo before the car died.
8. That even if we have to buy a new car, we have the money to make it possible.
9. internet cats
10. Friday night pizza---different from pizza at other times.
11. Tasty thursdays
12. The ward Halloween party
13. The Nelsons, esp. Bro Nelson's teaching.
14. Moroni, because in his letter exchange with the lamanites he sounds so human.
15. That God so often answers my wants, not just my needs, and often seems to send blessings just for the fun of it.
16. That I didn't lose all the inheritance money.
17. Andrew at Chase who seems to know what he's doing.
18. That I have two grocery stores within walking distance
19. That I finished my paper yesterday!
20. That I'm going to try my hand at painting tonight.

Thursday, November 6, 2014


Well......I'm not quite sure how yesterday went. My leg hurt---walking home last night might have been too much, but I didn't have much choice. I think it's a little better today. Food-wise....?  I technically did skip lunch---which I think shows a cognitive move in the right direction.  Here's the breakdown

Breakfast--2 slices of Ezekiel bread w butter, 2 strips bacon, milk and oj

Snack--a big serving of grapes with cheddar and mozzarellla chunks.

Lunch--I was full. Didn't need it physically, and almost didn't need it psychologically. First I just decided to have a later lunch, then let it go altogether---although not without whining about it first here.

Snack---Leftovers from a workshop. 2 small scones, veggies from veggie tray--just a very little dip (will skip next time, I just don't like ranch dip), 2 crackers, 2 small cheese slices, 1 small meat (lunchable style).  The scones probably gave this "snack" enough calories to count as a meal. So, I guess lunch was semi-skipped.

Dinner--Lunch. Discovered that it is possible to put too much buffalo sauce on chicken. Large serving of peas, 2 small slices artesian bread with butter, olives and blue cheese.

Dessert--made lemon-oatmeal cookies. VERY good. Had 3 with some milk.

And now for the Thankful project. Lots of people on facebook post something they are thankful for each day in November. I think that's too easy. Can I find 20 things to be thankful for? Especially, if I only allow 1 book per day to be part of that list?  I'm going to try, but I'll post here in my blog rather than on facebook because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings if I don't mention them.  I'll start today, and then backtrack on the past 5 days.

1. Jesus Christ--because he took away my GUILT as well as my sins. I'm only beginning to understand how little I understand about what He did.
2. Dave--because he never gives up.
3. Catherine--because she is always so authentically herself. She would like to date, but simply can't flirt because it's alien to her nature.
4. The weber state duck pond.
5. Trees in the fall
6. Good physical therapists.
7. A good job that allows me to play on the internet.
8. The Murdoch Mysteries
9. Our Thanksgiving houses
10. The fireplace
11. That I can cook
12. modern dentistry
13. buffalo wings
14. the today show
15. Abby Gooch because she carries such a heavy load in her life, but is unfailingly kind and good
16. That I got to know the Shepherds a little bit.
17. Glasses with thin lenses
18. The kettlebell class
19 That the kettle bell class won't last forever
20. That I can take classes here for free!!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014


I'm not hungry for lunch!! ALARM!! ALARM!!! ALARM!!!  The reason I'm not hungry is that I ate a big bag of grapes and cheese. But I HAVE to eat lunch don't I? Won't the police come and arrest me or something if I don't??

Isn't that crazy? But that's how it feels. I don't skip lunch easily. I'm having to remind myself that I also have a bag of carrots, some 100 popcorn AND I just found out that there might be food leftovers from a class. Plus, I DON'T have a good dinner planned. So, taking my really good lunch home and having it for dinner is a great idea.

Yesterday's food from memory---not written down! What's wrong with me?

Breakfast: Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit, milk, oj. Did I have a banana?

Snack:  don't remember, but I'm sure I had something.

Lunch: Homemade Candian cheese soup and a chicken artichoke lean pocket. Fun size Reeses for dessert.

Dinner: Oven baked "fried" chicken, with mashed potatoes and peas and white gravy. Delicious!! I'll make this more often.

Dessert---date night with Dave. Ice-cream at the merc. This time I wanted and got a brownie sundae. Technically, it WAS a single scoop, but the scoops are so huge that that isn't very impressive. I left a few bites, does that count?

1. That I can sing
2. That Mom took me to the Messiah sing-ins when I was young so I could fall in love.
3. That Dave has great taste in clothes.
4. That Dave cleans house---and is patient with me when I don't.
5. Texting---especially with Catherine
6. That Lisa is watching out for Riley
7. That because of the Savior everything is going to be all right in the end.
8. That I only have a 50 pound weight problem.
9. kleenex with aloe
10. Tigger because he is so loveable.
11. Oreo because she isn't as loveable, and yet brings us joy.
12. Disneyland
13. The exercise bike downstairs.
14. The craft armoire
15. jigsaw puzzles
16. The new couch.
17. The water at work--big improvement over math
18. The Little House books.
19.  That I can teach in nursery--it shows me that I've grown a lot for the better AND helps me grow even more.
20. That I get to speak on a "Christ Centered Christmas" because that will put me in the right spirit for the holidays.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Small things

It's amazing how I can forget even the most basic things, when it comes to things I don't really want to do. I need to re-read the Dr. OZ book.  The idea of soy being good for me has stuck. I really love adding soy milk to my normal milk. I can feel that my body loves it.  And I also go that high-fructose corn syrup is a really stupid thing to eat. Otherwise, my mind has thrown it all out. But I will still carry on.

I'm going to look for a ring to wear as a constant reminder that small portions are often enough!! If they aren't enough, I can have more, but it truly isn't necessary to eat like a linebacker all day long every day---(although if I choose to work out like an NFL linebacker, then I can adjust my eating upward).

I'll keep trying to record my food here too, to learn from my mistakes instead of endlessly repeating them. 

The other day, Hollie at 300poundsdown.com talked about how she is a experimenting with weight loss with herself as the chief subject. I'm doing exactly the same thing. And I sometimes get very angry at Weight Watchers and other programs that claim to have solutions. But it has belatedly occurred to me that obesity is a relatively new problem!! It's going to take some real time for the medical community to figure things out. I wouldn't be surprised at all if in 50 years people look back on shows like the Biggest Loser and programs like weight watchers with real horror. But society can't skip steps alas. It's simply going to take time to learn about obesity and how to handle it.  This thought helps me to forgive WW a little bit. They really think they DO have the answers, and they're about the best program out there. It's still abysmally bad, but it's the best society has. Goodness knows, I haven't come up with THE solution. As soon as I do, I'll publish and be rich at last. 

Anyhow---I've also been thinking about how obesity is a combination of habit as well as physical addiction. For example, I have the habit of going back for second helpings at dinner. I really LIKE the action of going back for seconds whether I'm full or not, or even whether I like the food or not. That got me to thinking about other habits I have that I wouldn't want to give up---like opening presents on Christmas morning. I'd feel super deprived if I couldn't do that!! Or reading before I go to sleep. I LOVE doing that. Realizing how deeply engrained many of my food habits are, helps me to appreciate how difficult it is to give them up.  But the good news is, that I don't have to give them up!!!  Not really. I've found that going back for seconds is habit, but the quantity is not!! I've been doing really well dealing with this habit. Either I take a smaller first helping, fully intending to go back, or I take a really small second helping (assuming of course, that I'm really full when I go back), and that's been ok!

Here's another one. I like chocolate after lunch. No problem! The habit says chocolate, it doesn't say a full-sized candy bar. Dark chocolate is even good for me, so bring that habit on!!

Looking back, I've been working on making my habits less deadly over the years and I think it's really helping. I still have a long way to go, but that's ok.

Ok, here's what I remember from yesterday's food. Today I'll actually track it.

Breakfast: 2 eggo waffles with nutella, banana and whipped cream.
Snack: some cracklin oat bran cereal (I call it puppy chow), I love that stuff, but it has a lot of sugar. Luckily, it's super expensive, so I don't have it very often.

Lunch: a HUGE portion of  spaghetti lasagne, 2 small slices of artisan bread, an apple, and a fun sized peanut-butter snickers.

Snack: a fun-sized m&m's

Snack before my night class: String cheese, and goldfish.

Late dinner, after my class. Ezekiel bread with organic (thanks Dave) peanut butter, two slices of bacon (weird, I know, but really good). milk with nestle's quik.

1. Spell Check
2. Peter the apostle--I identify with him! He failed to walk on water, he denied the Christ and yet he was one of the best servants ever. Gives me hope!
3. Cheese
4. Christmas lights
5. Kelsey Frandson, because she looks like one of the proverbial gorgeous mean-girls that terrified me in junior high and still make me feel insecure, and yet she is so NICE!
6. Kelsey's key lime pie
7. Weber's women in motion for helping me to walk my first half-marathon
8. Jane Stout, for being hilarious and walking the Halloween half with me.
9. Catherine for walking the Salt Lake half AND doing the Disney half.
10. Catherine because she loves her old mum.
11. The harry Potter books.
12. facebook--it's fun to keep in touch.
13. Dad, because he is a financial buffer for Christine.
14. Dave, for fixing the swamp cooler every fall and spring.
15. That I've discovered snorkeling
16. That I've been to so many wonderful places.
17. That I have an imagination to take me everywhere I can't get to.
18. Libraries!!
19. Catherine's quirky roommates.
20. The teacher who gave Catherine the chance to go to Turkey. 

Monday, November 3, 2014


Am I thinner? Holding steady?  Not sure. Some things are definitely on the tight side, but my workout pants really fit yesterday and they hadn't before.  Good things continue---but so do the bad things, I just hope the good will overwhelm the bad someday.  Last night I made a spaghetti squash lasagne that was really good. This is a real make-again.

Did I pig out on Halloween? Not really. Actually, I never really have--or at Thanksgiving either. This isn't really virtuous, it's just that since I feast every day, have a dedicated feast day isn't that big of a deal. So, I probably overate, but no worse than usual.

1. That I got to do lots of real trick-or-treating when I was young
2. Sister Newsome
3. Mom's blackberries
4. Mom and Dad always being up to something interesting
5. That I can read
6. That I can cook
7. That I don't have any severe food allergies
8. That I live in America
9. That Dave has tenure!
10. That I can walk to work.
11. That Mom left us the trust--even though I don't like administering it.
12. An education
13. That I've always been free to pursue any dream
14. That people climb Mt. Everest
15. That I can play the harp and piano
16. That Nanette is so endlessly patient.
17. Soft breezes
18. That the hospital is right nearby.
19. That I'm free from major psychiatric disorders (so far)
20. That I can pray.

Thankfulness for Nov. 2

1. For the door to my office.
2. That I live in a place with seasons
3. The frontrunner train
4. Pizza
5. Our tv trays
6. Our little garden
7. The smell of pine
8. The corner bakery
9. Barnes and Noble
10. My sewing machine
11. Agatha Christie
12. The nook--thanks mom!
13. The wii--Thanks Dad!
14. That Mom and Dad always came to everything
15. That I don't have to go swimming every day.
16. For Dr. Amsels very careful teaching of a hard subject
17. That I'm taking classes in English--not Chinese
18. For great bloggers like Hollie and Sean
19. That I'm no longer a teenager
20. That I don't drink

Thankfulness for Nov 1.

1. For Christmas stockings
2. For the Festival of Trees
3. For pandora aol radio
4. For books on tape
5. That I've had jobs at two libraries
6. That God brought us to Ogden--it's hard, but it's right.
7. For peace during Mom's death
8. For general conference
9. For Jon Bytheway and other phenomenal youth speakers
10. For Geodes
11. For the discovery and nature channels
12. Timpanogos cave
13. Grandma and Grandpa taking me everywhere in California
14. Omi and Opa!!
15. The apricot tree when I was little.
16. Great artists
17. The Houston Renassance Festival
18. For honest auto-mechanics
19. For Ben Dickson and all his help
20. For all the people that helped us move to Ogden.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Blech. FAT!

Ugh, I'm getting tired of heavy, fat food!! Is this me talking?  Not tired enough to not eat it, but I'll be glad when tomorrow rolls around. I'm actually beginning to get tired of pizza. I mentioned I had some for lunch yesterday, but it wasn't what I wanted. Today is Halloween, and we're ordering pizza at work.

Last night, I meant to be good. I was even prepared to skip popcorn at the movies, because I really didn't want it. I drove to SLC, ate some delicious Mexican food at a sketchy restaurant (I DID want that). But the movie didn't happen, so instead we all just met at Leatherby's for ice-cream. They do BIG ice-cream there. I didn't really want that either, I didn't eat it all, but I ate more than enough.

It feels good--and strange to not want so much high fat food.  That didn't stop me from finally eating a cake doughnut this morning, but it is stopping me from eating 2. I'm just not interested.

Thursday, October 30, 2014


Wow, I'm tired out today. But a couple of good things happening. My knee continues to improve. A set back like this really makes me think that I might be on the right track. I've noticed that the beginnings of many successful journeys have big setbacks right at the beginning. Yesterday--

Breakfast: Oatmeal with fruit, splenda, cinnamon, milk.

Halloween pot-luck.  Oh my.  meatballs, smokies, 7-layer dip, chips, cheeseball, crackers, 2 kinds of salad, jalapenos, lots of desserts. yum.

Dinner----I didn't want any. All I really wanted was a bowl of popcorn. BUT I made real food for Dave, and the thought occurred to me that I should have at least a small amount of real food too---for nutrition, and maybe to not be so hungry today. I did. A little sweet and sour chicken, rice and veggies--skipped the eggroll (unusual for me), and had my popcorn. I ate more of the popcorn than necessary, but at least Dave at half and I did not eat cheese and chocolate milk with it, so that was a bonus.

I liked the thinking about dinner. It sounded sooooo, Normal. Like something a good mom would say.  Eat the good stuff first. Why? Because you need it. Maybe it worked too.  I wasn't overly hungry this morning.  I worked hard in kettlebell class, and there was candy. i wasn't even slightly interested in the candy. All I wanted was the apple in my office.

For lunch I had pizza (1 slice) and salad and 100 cal popcorn, and a string cheese. But I wasn't very happy with that lunch. I didn't want pizza. I don't know what I really wanted, but it wasn't junk food. Good sign!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Halloween Party

Last night was the ward Halloween party--not nearly so deadly as today's work potluck will be. I LOVE my work potlucks. Yesterday's food

Breakfast--2 multigrain eggo waffles (140 cal), w nutella, a banana and whipped cream.

Snack--string cheese

Lunch--butternut squash soup, 1 slice good bread, 1 slice salami, olive tapenade, 1 button of feta 3 chocolate almonds.

Snack --zuchinni slices.

Grazing---making cheeseball for work party---many tastes


1 1/2 bowls of chili---Brilliant idea from someone--they brought a muffin-tin so they could taste all the chili's. Totally doing that next year! 2 small cornbread, 1 large piece cornbread with honey butter. 1 fun sized snickers peanut butter, an after dinner mint.

Went to the doctor about my knee. Physical therapy coming. If I ever want to go as the scariest Halloween costume ever, I'm going as a set of doctor's scales. Yeeesh.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Smaller cheesecake

Some victories yesterday. I'm sure hoping that slow and steady really does win the race.

Breakfast---thin bagel with chive and onion cream cheese, milk w soy, oj.

Lunch--omlette, w 1 egg and 3 egg whites, spinach, jalapeno, a laughing cow cheese, a whole can of mushrooms, 1 slice ezekiel bread, 2 sausages, diet hot chocolate.

---Lunch was a very deliberate healthy choice because I knew that dinner would not be healthy at all.

Dinner---gyro plate from Jims burgers. Lots of fry sauce, I added a little feta cheese too.  Finished most of dinner then suddenly realized that I was full. Really full. I could have finished the meal and part of me wanted to, but instead I closed the lid, had a couple bites of Daves cherry shake, and threw the rest away.

Dessert---WAITED for dessert. I wanted the little brownies that my professor brought to class, but I wanted cheesecake more. Came home late, and would have been fine without cheesecake, but I didn't want to skip it, because for now I need to nail down in my mind that I really can have what I want. BUT, I didn't just divide the cheesecake into 2 pieces as originally planned. I cut two small pieces for us, and there's still some left over.

My knee is finally getting better. I'm able to walk at a pretty normal speed now, although downhill and stairs still hurt. I'm going to the doctor today and am going to ask for physical therapy.

Monday, October 27, 2014


I did all right yesterday. I compromised and had 1 1/2 slices of pizza.  I felt good about that---It allowed me to "go back for more" which I really like to do, without derailing me completely.  I felt guilty about eating yesterday since poor Dave couldn't have anything but broth and jello, but not sorry enough to eat jello with him. My knee is feeling better and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully exercise will reappear soon. Today has been good as well.  Dave wants a pastrami burger--that means Big Jim's--read, unhealthy and fattening. Plus, he couldn't have any leftover cheesecake yesterday, so I waited for today to have that with him.  SO---for once, I thought ahead a little. Since I'm going to have a fattening dinner, I had a deliberately healthy lunch, and since I'm having cheesecake later, I didn't have a bunch of cookies earlier.  YAY!!! Several cognitive battles won.

Omlete with 2 egg whites, 1 egg, spinach and jalapeno, 1 slice ezekiel bread, milk w/soy and a hersheys kiss at church.

Lunch---Banana, reasonable amount of butternut squash soup, good bread with olive tapenade, a feta  cheese round (about 80 cal from trader joes), a slice of summer sausage and 2 chocolate almonds.

Dinner--big salad with ken's dressing, croutons, 1 and 1/2 slice pizza, 1 breadstick, sever dinner mints.

Dessert--diet hotchocolate with a little soy (my body is loving the soy milk) and 1 halloween sugar cookie with frosting.

Felt good about the day. Beginning to get used to not exercising--NOT GOOD, but still going nuts because it's so beautiful outside and I'm trapped inside.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

One piece of pizza

I did very well yesterday. I knew dinner was going to be a disaster, but I don't think it was any more of a disaster for me than it would have been for any other skinny person, and it only took the peer pressure of 7 people to accomplish it! Addicition is a weird thing. Even as I type that, I'm wondering how I can justify having 2 pieces of pizza for dinner tonight?

But first---for breakfast I had some cottage cheese, a peach and a slice of ezekiel bread with I can't believe it's not butter (when I say butter, I always mean ICB unless otherwise noted)

Lunch--a BLT minus the T on ezekiel bread, 4 olives, a pickle some carrots and 2 chocolate almonds.

Snack--a glass of milk with some soy milk mixed in.

So far, so good. Not hungry, and a good mix of food. Then it was time to play How to Host a Murder. I LOVE playing these, and I am the culprit who set up the whole party. It was a glamourous movie theme, but our house is far too small to have 6 people over for dinner and a game, so we had to have it in one of the classrooms on campus. That meant no oven. We compromised by ordering pizza and calling it fancy names. Everyone dressed up, and nobody went back for seconds, so I didn't either, even though I wanted to. The thing is that hungry-wise, I was FINE with the following:

1 glass Martinelli sparking cider
about 4 small glasses of "punch"--raspberry sherbet w diet 7-up
1 piece chicken ranch pizza from the Pie (really good)
2 bread sticks
1 smallish salad with blue cheese dressing
1 large piece of pumpkin praline cheesecake
6 or 7 after dinner mints--the kind with chocolate in the middle.

Sigh.  That is PLENTY of food and even my body agreed it was plenty. Left to myself, I would have eaten another piece of pie, more salad and several more breadsticks. Moderation is HARD for me. But I want to persist, because I love the idea that I really can have all the good things I had yesterday. Right now it's 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon, and I'm not in the least hungry. I'd sure like a large......bowl of popcorn, piece of pizza, hunk of cheese, milk and cookies...pretty much anything. But, since I'm NOT hungry, and I'm NOT on a diet, and I DO want to finish cleaning up the party, I think I'll be able to pass.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

THE choice

Nice that the internet at home is working again! But that's really no excuse. I have the computers at work and the laptop if I really need it.

Basics. Basics. Basics. How can something so simple be so difficult to remember????

Here are my choices concerning food and weight:

1. Control myself by gentle methods. Keep learning about nutrition. Keep learning to stop when I'm full, keep adding movement to my life. The results----I never have to weigh, count or worry. I never have to be hungry. Probably slow weight loss--although it might pick up as I get better at this.

2. Control myself by outside means. Weight Watchers, my own plan, calorie counting or whatever. The results--excitement at the beginning, crashing boredom soon to follow. Faster weight loss until I inevitably quit.

3. Don't choose. Eat whatever, whenever. Enjoy instant gratification all the time. Bemoan that I can't live this way and still look good. Scary---who knows how heavy I am capable of becoming?

The thing that's so hard to remember is that choice number three never evolves into choice number 1. At no time will I ever "get tired" of food. I can't. I need it to survive.  The thing that's so hard about choice number 1 is that I WILL have to exercise self-denial--A LOT. The plan is gentle, but it's not choice number 3. It's hard to see how to stop temptation. What if I want a chocolate chip cookie? Well, that's fine----maybe. Have I already eaten a lot that day? Especially sweets? Have I exercised? How many or how big is this cookie?

----NEW INSPIRATION---this is just like parenting! Good parents do not operate on auto-pilot. They set limits, but are open to change when it makes sense to change. That is hard to do! I get tired. I get unsure. I just want things to be easy, but it isn't. Children's problems, like cravings come at inconvenient times, when I'm least equipped to deal with them rationally.  Okay! I can accept this. This is what life is all about. God's plan is all about free will. It's Satan who wanted to force us all to be good.

I will need a lot of help to really do choice number one. First off, I need to be consistent with a food journal. I also think I need a frequent visual reminder about what I'm doing. I need to carefully think about and set my guidelines.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Fast food revolt

Well, I didn't cave and make funeral potatoes, but I'm definitely having a reaction today. Last night turned out pretty well. I did make the very healthy Japanese Hot Pot--I had two bowls of that plus an egg roll and PLUS about 6 of a new cookie reciepe that is truly a healthy recipe!!! No fat, no sugar and no flour!!!!  It's bananas, oatmeal and a little applesauce, I added nuts and dark chocolate chips. NOT BAD!!!!  Nothing can ever really replace the true chocolate chip, but these are a strong contender! You could literally eat them for breakfast just fine!!!

Still, today I'm in trouble. There wasn't anything in the house I wanted to eat for lunch, Dave is in SLC today so there's no one to share a pizza with, and I had a wild craving for McDonald's. I almost NEVER go to McDonalds, but on the spur of the moment I ran down and got my favorite bacon, egg and cheese biscuit meal. I think the reasoning, if you can call it that, was that I wanted a big hunk of cheese and I do still have white flour rolls at home---that's not a very good choice. So, since I'm not willing to make a poor #2 choice, I went with the distant #10 REALLY bad choice.  Worse, I didn't pack a lunch, so I'll be eating out. There's a slim chance that I might go to subways for a healthy lunch, but it's much easier to just go upstairs to the buffet or to the new grill.

On the bright side, at least I'm finally full.


Ok, I need to write what's going on today. That McDonald's breakfast, that looked so little to me, actually filled me up really well. So well, that I wasn't hungry at all at lunch. Especially after I had a string cheese. What I SHOULD have done was to just wait or skip it or have an early dinner. I didn't. I went to the new corner bakery and had a full lunch (Very tasty!). I think what's partially going on is that it's Friday and the best pizza would be a PIE calzone, but I also wanted to try the bakery.

Why could I not have waited till 4:30 then gone to the PIE after work and taken Catherine to the bakery tomorrow? (Because she wants to go to Sonora Grill).  Maybe I was afraid I'd be hungry? I really do hate being hungry and I felt hungry a lot yesterday. But at worst, I would have only been hungry for 3 hours.

So what will I do tonight? I WANT to go to the pie, but I'm not hungry now (partially because I ate a bunch of cookie bites from the bakery, AND several healthy cookies that I brought. What on earth is wrong with me today? I think I want the PIE out of habit.

When it comes to food it's so hard for me to delay gratification. The pie isn't going anywhere and neither is the bakery.

Thursday, October 16, 2014


Boy, every once in awhile I just have a hungry day where I want to eat the kitchen sink! That's today. I think it started because I apparently didn't eat enough breakfast.  I had 2 slices of Ezekiel bread with I can't believe it's not butter, and 2 slices of bacon, and milk and oj. At work, I've had a full sleeve of nuts--Darn! I don't like to eat the whole sleeve--a big helping of gyro meat with an even bigger helping of the white sauce and tomatos (homemade, very healthy), feta cheese and olives. Two protein peanut butter balls, 2 chocolates. I'm going to eat the apple now, even though I know better, because I'm starving!!I also have popcorn, but I don't want that. I want----what is it that I want? A big helping of funeral potatoes!! A couple of pounds of that would do nicely.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Darn this knee!!! I want to go walking!!! I didn't do kettlebells yesterday for obvious reasons, but I DID walk to Smiths on a gorgeous fall day instead. It's maybe 1/2 mile each way and I walked VERY slowly, but today I'm thinking that was a mistake.

Anyway----continuing the quest to become healthy by eating food...yesterday I had...

Breakfast: Waffle sandwich (see yesterday), milk and oj
       felt full for the longest time
Snack: homemade chips and guac--eaten shortly before lunch.
Lunch: Butternut squash soup, two chunks of bread from the spaghetti factory, 2 tablespoons of olive tapenade, 4 chocolate almonds.
        Was full in the afternoon, but still wanting to eat. So snacked on yam sticks.
Dinner: KFC---3 crispy chicken tenders, 1 biscuit, corn, choc chip cookie.

    We usually only go to KFC on the 4th of July, but we're trying to make Tuesdays our date night and Dave wanted chicken. I suppose it's possible to eat right at KFC, but who would want to? I did choose corn as the least lethal of the side dishes.
          Felt fairly full.  

Went to hot springs to soak;

Snack: Oatmeal raisin cookie, milk.

Huh. Feels like a lot when I write it down. It didn't seem like that much while I was eating it.