Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Friday, September 30, 2011

181 Stuck on low

Another Friday weigh in---still at 187--both thrilling and annoying. Thrilling, because it's the new low--and annoying because I got here last week, had the bleeping STOMACH FLU and am STILL sitting at this weight on the last Friday in Sept. so I will not meet the insurance goal according to the doctor's scales here.  Oh well. The important thing is that I met the goal according to my home scale. I'll see what PEHP has to say, but I'm thinking the next goal for the end of Nov will be an exciting 181.  WOW. 

Yesterday was quite fun in that I just felt so light and comfortable in my body. It's just fun to move in a lighter body. My legs feel longer, and bending over feels different and better. Everyone always talks about how they "feel so much better and more energetic" when they lose weight.  I don't know about energetic, but for me the "feeling better" part is quite literal. I don't catch as many colds when I'm eating right and I like the feeling of every position and movement being more comfortable than the last. It makes me excited for the future.

The future also hold good things food-wise. I plugged my stats into a new kind of online calculator and it estimated that to maintain a goal weight of 155 I would need to eat about 2,100 cal a day. That sounds fairly liveable. Also, I've really got to wonder how rigid a person needs to be? I've been reading a picture book (have I mentioned this?) Around the World in 80 diets and it shows what 80 different kinds of people have eaten on one particular day in their lives. The book goes from 800 cal of a Masai woman to 12,000 cal of the English binge eater. Most people are between 2,000 and 4,000 a day. But here's the thing--their weights don't seem to particuarly correspond to their food intake!!! Sure, some have high intake, but also high energy jobs, but there is a Chinese girl who weighs 106 who lives on KFC chicken. The book does say whether or not the picture shown is representative of their lifestyle and usually it pretty much is. Anyway, the point is that I very much hope that so long as I don't go out of my way to do a long string of stupid things once I hit goal weight ie: eat big meals out 5 times a week, that I too can eat like a normal human being. To me that means that I'm not counting points or calories, but that I have a natural range of intake that might flux up or down according to the day, but that overall keeps me where I need to be.

I don't plan on hitting goal weight and immediatley trying to jump into that kind of a lifestyle. When I gave up diet Coke it took a full three years before caffiene free diet coke gave me the same kind of satisfaction. My food addictions are much more pervasive and severe--I don't know how long it will be before living at 155 will feel as satisfying as living at 220.  Probably more than 3 years, but I have hope that if I persist that someday I'll not only reach goal weight, but live it while eating pretty much anything and everything I feel like eating, because what I feel like will have changed.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

180 Plain Vanilla Overweight

Hey!!  According to Caloriecount.com I'm finally just plain vanilla overweight--no longer Obese (hate that word!).  My BMI is probably right around 29---still high, but not obese. The calorie count website gets a big thumbs up from me. I find it MUCH more motivating than the ww site. They always have stories from real people and those people have had success in lots of different ways--not just counting calories. I like seeing the variety---some are very strict, others not, some had a lot to lose some not so much. Real people also submit real questions and get real responses, I often find these helpful. Something from calorie count arrives in my inbox daily and I read it almost as faithfully as Sean's blog. Today's topic was on comfort food and emotional eating. I love what the expert had to say:

Before you crack open the Ben & Jerry’s, though, do what Dr. May calls the "Four-Really Test": Ask yourself if you really, really, really, really want it. "Reach for something you don’t really want, and you’re likely to eat more of it because it isn’t satisfying," she says.

That’s the danger of answering a craving with a lighter version of what you want or with something else altogether. Not only does it defeat the purpose of giving yourself a gooey treat, but it sets you up for a pig-out. "If I’m not hungry, but I need a little pleasure in my life, isn’t it ridiculous to eat a rice cake?" Dr. May asks. "Not only do I not need that fuel, but it’s not even going to give me the pleasure."
BRAVO!!!!  I figured out long ago that I can never really "substitute" food.  I can and do eat things like rice cakes and apples and light versions of things but it's always with the idea that I'm enjoying what I'm eating for what it is--never that I'm trying to be satisfied with jello when I really want chocolate cake.

Speaking of which---I'm debating on whether to try another Snickers bar today. I have the points.  Hmmmmm.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

179 Still better

Okay, better and better and my stats homework is almost done! My only complaint is that after FASTING on Monday and eating lightly yesterday, I was still 187 this morning.  But really, I'm not complaining much--I'm still just so delighted to see anything in the 180's, let alone 187 that I'm thrilled. Now, how to get the doctor's scales here to register that for the insurance?.... Those scales will still say 191 and the nurse will subtract 2 lbs for clothes.  Oh well.  Might be just as well to reset the insurance weights. My own personal goal will be 181 (woweee!) by the end of November. Obviously, Thanksgiving is the famous challenge there, but I don't think Thanksgiving will be nearly as deadly to me as next weeks conference in Denver. I'll be in Denver Sunday through Wednesday--Four straight days of eating out for every meal. And do I want to be reasonable?  I do NOT. Denver has OLD CHICAGO--one of my all time favorite restaurants--the spinach and artichoke dip is to die for. The appetizer platter which has buffalo wings, the dip and cheese sticks is my definition of heaven. This trip is coming up fast--I need to think of how I'm going to get through it without putting on a bunch of weight. Lots of sitting lots of food. Maybe I can make my mind up to have one big blow out at Old Chicago and then eat lightly the rest of the trip? I'll have good examples all around me and I can try to just mimic what they do. The only problem with that plan is if other restaurants are equally as tempting. It's still hard for me to be reasonable in the face of "rare" food. Even though I grew up only 5 hours from Denver, I've never been--and big cities are famously loaded with great food. HOWEVER, I live only 1 hour from SLC and SLC has loads and loads of great food too. I'll be there really isn't too much in Denver that I couldn't also get in SLC if I really wanted to. I think I'll make a point to telling Maria, Jennifer and Margarita this and make it their job to remind me fo this fact---I probably need the reminder on an hourly basis. The other problem I fear, might be boredom. Boredom always makes me want to eat and sitting for hours and hours listening to speakers---hopefully they'll be interesting, but there are no guarantees.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

178 Better

 Much better today--so far at least. That's been the weird thing about this virus--bouncing between horrible to perfect.  It's like the food won't go past a certain point and get to my stomach--but not all the time.  Anyway, I slept like a rock and am at work today.  It's kind of nice not to worry about points or food or anything. I'm still not hungry, but I do need some energy, so I had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I brought some simple things for lunch.  I suspect that I will eat them--like I said yesterday the compulsion to eat is great, and today I feel okay and I don't have to worry about calories. Still the memory of Sunday night is fresh enough that I'm not inclined to push it. Light and simple is FINE for today. I wish light eating would sound attractive when I'm not sick.

Monday, September 26, 2011

177 Sick

Last night's dinner---big mistake.  I woke up feeling absolutely horrible. Finally threw up--heavy scary looking stuff and didn't feel any better--more like throwing up had strained everything in my insides. Didn't really start feeling better until morning when I discovered that sitting up was better than lying down--so I fell asleep propped up on the couch.  I went to the doctor--it's probably nothing--if it's not better pretty soon they'll send down a scope, but all the lab work was normal so I doubt it'll get to that point.  I'm just glad I decided to take the day off! There's no way I would have made it at work.  Counting points today is easy.  ZERO. I've had a few sips of water and two small bowls of jello.

Pure addictive feelings though.  I wanted to eat. There's no way I could have, but I still wanted to even though I was sick.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

176 stats

Yesterday's long walk went great--though I still think I'm fighting this weird virus.  The body is funny--last week's 90 min walk really tired my legs out. Yesterday was 2 21/2 hours and I'm just fine. It's as though my legs were reminded--"oh yeah, walk--we do that."  Food and time wise were both weird yesterday. Yesterday and this whole next week I fear, will be overshadowed by statistics. I have a test coming up, which would be fine, except that I'm going to Denver for a conference during the days immediately before the test when I would normally be studying for it. I'm going to miss the class review, and I'll have to have my homework in early. Catherine will come home next weekend so that wipes out next Saturday's study plans too. Still, I should be fine, provided that I work hard. The concepts aren't difficult, it's just so darn easy to make a mistake. Anyway--time yesterday just raced away--I got up and was out the door by 9 for my long walk--gorgeous autumn day for it. I reviewed some stats, then went to the library to pick up a hold, and downtown to the street vendors for tacos.  THEY WEREN'T THERE! There's construction in the area. I had no backup plans for lunch. And I really wasn't hungry, but I'd only had/wanted 1 pumpkin muffin during my walk and I figured I needed something.  The Greek Festival was going on, but they always have huge lines. Using true addictive convoluted thinking I reasoned that I should get greek food from the mall because I probably wouldn't want any dinner and so the points would sort of be ok.  Turned out to be true.  I ate my fully loaded gyro plate---meat, salad, pita bread, fries with extra white sauce while studying.  Vacummed, studied some more, took a nap, went to Women's conference, did some late night shopping and called it a day. 

Today will be more normal point-wise, but still way overbalanced with almost all points coming tonight. I'll have one pancake for b-fast with fruit.  A blt for lunch, and a big fajita dinner with guac and chips and black beans and for dessert 1/2 cup of mint ice-cream (new receipe from the new dieter's cookbook) and a new ww dish--apple pie wontons.  Sounds yummy.  It feels so good to be in the 180's.

Friday, September 23, 2011

174 GOAL!!

Hey!! Official weigh day today and I hit goal weight 187!! WOW!!  I really didn't think I'd see it this month.  Irritatingly, the people here at the health center where I weigh in, haven't yet seen it either.  Their scales weighs 4 pounds heavier than my home scale (even though I didn't eat or drink anything before I came up). They're willing to take off a pound or two for clothes and last month I flat out bullied the nurse into taking off 3, but I didn't feel good about it. So, the insurance may or may not acknowledge by way of paying for ww. But I almost don't care.  187--and not entirely due to stomach problems either. I never did get to feeling great yesterday, but I felt good enough to eat everything on my list. I DO like the flexibility of ww.

Me and Jennifer were talking--last night Jennifer had grilled fish, veggies and a peach. Does that just scream diet or what? I much prefer my sort of meals--bacon, omelete, watermelon, toast.  I think even at goal I will still like the same sorts of things and at 155 I shouldn't have to feel confined to a dreary regimen of boiled chicken and veggies.

One thing has been changing very slowly--the amount of bread. Mostly, as I'm computing points I just haven't been able to fit in two slices of toast or two english muffins. So, I've been having one instead. It's almost like a new thought--last night was a perfect example. I wasn't even hungry but just eating because I enjoy it and I had the points--I automatically assumed 2 slices of toast but that would have put me one point over. The thought that I might be satisfied with one piece--along with the 4 slices bacon etc..feels revolutionary. It's steps in the right direction. And I'm VERY excited about today's weight!!!! I'm going to the gym after work for weights and then having pizza. ---Not an orgies worth, in fact, we're deliberately ordering it at home so we can have big salads with the pizza. Pizza is never going to be a great point choice for me--I want three or four pieces, but that's ok. I'll enjoy it tonight be it one piece or four, but the salad is being eaten for sure. Then we're coming back up to campus for a date---free bowling and a magic show. Tomorrow I have a 2 and a half hour walk for marathon prep.  That ought to burn off a little pizza I think.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

173--Not the highlight

Oh man--the Snickers bar was NOT the highlight of yesterday. I still have 1/2 of it left in fact. A few hours into work I began to feel sick to my stomach. At the time I contributed the feeling to the oil I ate in the morning--although that didn't really make sense---after all, I easily eat that much oil on popcorn and probaby 5 times as much on a greasy pizza and that never bothers me. It was a kind of overfull--I might feel better if I threw up kind of a feeling.  Also my shoulders and neck were aching.  At lunchtime I thought that if I ate something it might help absorb the oil. It helped.

I didn't really feel a whole lot better till about 8 in the evening--the ache passed itself off and my stomach felt a little better. I didn't eat dinner and I think that was the right choice too.  Today I'm still a little off.  I remember feeling a similar way once while I was working in the math dept. I do think it's a bit of a virus and not the oil. Nevertheless--no oil today. Blech.  But I will keep trying to work it in (EASY!), yesterday was the first day since I started WW that I haven't been running to the bathroom every hour.  That has become a real problem! Not just needing to go frequently, but needing to go IMMEDIATLEY.  It's gotten so bad that I went to the doctor and got a prescription.  The meds help a little, but yesterday's oil seemed to help a lot.

I had noticed before that when I eat "normally" meaning eating whatever I like (man, I really need to redefine normal), I don't have the bathroom problem. Talk about delicate tuning! I hope that just having a little will stop the problem without stopping weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss---the benefit of any stomach problem is weight loss!  188 today!!!  I love seeing numbers I haven't see in years. I realize that this is probably just a fluky thing--as soon as I eat anything I'll be back up--but I don't care--the lower those little flukes go, the harder it is for the upward spikes to hit really scary numbers. It's fun to think that I could go on a total binge today and still wouldn't hit 200 tomorrow.  I want to put as much distance as I can between me and 200. And I'm not tempted to eat a bunch today--I still feel off and I just need to hit 187 for the insurance goal.  SO CLOSE!!

188 means 20 pounds!  What a fight! 20 pounds in 25 weeks. Well, that's almost as good as what the SENSA ad promises--just goes to show one doesn't need any pills. And I still love that I've been able to incorporate real restaraunt meals and special occasions and vacations into my life. But today I want to be good--although, come to think of it, I'll still be including some junk food. I need to go to ww and log on the exact points but the day (assuming I don't get sicker) will go something like:
Bfast--english muffin w butter
1 oz cheddar cheese (not as appealing today as it usually is)

wrap--these are always on whole wheat tortillas with horseradish, 6 slices of deli meat-usually roast beef-spinach and peppers, 6 olives, 21 cheeto puffs, yogurt.  1/2 snickers bar


omelete with blue cheese, bacon, and maybe fried potatoes if I am hungry and have the points.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

172 Snickers

Today's highlight will definitley be the full size, fully loaded snickers bar I intend to have! I saved up points specially for it.

Boy, I had all kinds of things to say and I can't think of a single one just now--probably because I'm so sleepy. I don't know why though--I slept well.  Anyway, I'm trying out the oil thing. I put a tsp in my cream of wheat this morning--made for a slightly soupier texture--very smooth and not at all bad. 

Lunch will be interesting--it's a collection of little random stuff. I love those kinds of meals. My favorite foods are appetizers. Maybe that's why I like airline meals--cute little things all wrapped up separately. I once saw a special on Michael Jackson and apparentley he always had his staff wrap up his food in plastic as though it were being served from a hotel cafeteria. That's weird habit, but I understand why he did that. It adds to the specialness factor. You wouldn't think someone that rich would need that but I guess in a lot of ways he never grew up.  In my case eating out was very rare in my childhood. It just wasn't done. So it was a big deal when it happened. Also, any kind of vending machine food, or plastic wrapped food usually meant I was on an exciting vacation. Also, since buying food ready made is expensive, I still have a feeling of well-being and extravagence anytime I buy food from anywhere other than a grocery store. Even having a soda from a gas station feels like a little mini-vacation.  Lunch today is from the kitchen, but still varied.  I'm having--a cup of soup, 24 baked tortilla chips, 1/2 cup spinach dip, a dozen olives, zucchini slices, an apple, deli meats with cream cheese, and of course--THE SNICKERS BAR. I have class tonight, so I made a point of brining a snack--a banana with PB2.  I might have a bit of the candy bar for lunch and the rest before class, I'll have to see how hungry I am.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

171 Strong!

YAY!!!  189 today--I wasn't going to weigh till Friday, but I "digested" so well yesterday I thought it might actually translate into a lower number on the scale. I will carry on! My gosh, what a fight! And there's no guarantee I'll be this low on Friday--that's what's so frustrating. But it IS good to see that number again. Last Christmas I bought a bottle of fancy oil and balsamic vinegar bread dip. I had two tsp. of it this morning with some crackers. Weird for breakfast (I also had other stuff), but if it works--no complaints here.

I don't know how I'll ever learn to enjoy smaller portions and lighter eating. Like I said yesterday I was a little blindsided by a luncheon that I forgot about. I was pretty hungry going to lunch. And what they had were these marvelous big round turkey sandwiches--I don't know what the bread is, but it's the perfect combo of chewy and crusty with oil and salt. I've never been a mayo person, but whatever the mayo-like spread is is out of this world. The problem was that the sandwiches are so big that they were all cut in half on the platter. There was a smallish bowl of an iceberg based lettuce salad with italian dressing and a plate of cookies. NOT a great point lunch. Everyone was only taking a half of a sandwich. The plates were small, so we all also only took a little salad. I took one macademia nut cookie.  Oh my gosh.  I was hungry when I started eating, I was STARVING after I'd finished. It was pure peer pressure that kept me from going back for the second half of the sandwich. The other thing that saved me was that I had brought two wasa crisps and a laughing cow cheese for lunch. If it hadn't been for that I probably would have snagged another sandwich half--or possibly two I was that hungry, on the way out. To heck with peer pressure! But I didn't. With a deep sigh I threw away my plate and fled to my office where I wolfed down my snack, plus the apple I'd brought for my other lunch. Barely ok. After about an hour it was better, but that was a hard lunch!! Paid off though! 189 today. The other good thing was that after work I went to the gym. I wasn't particuarly in the mood, but I'm glad I went. I felt strong. I even upped a few of the weights because my arms seemed to want to lift them. Right on body! The weather was perfect--it will be perfect all week, so I've really been enjoying my walks to work.  Dinner was the mystery chili--but it might even have been the Wylie's goulash that I'd planned---whatever it was I knew it was healthy, because that's the only kind of chili I make. I had two mini corn muffins, and a small slice of mom's zuchinini bread with a banana and chocolate pb2 for dessert.  Not bad! I got to eat at a reasonable hour and I'm sure that helped. Overall, it was a weird point day--not much idea how much anything was worth, but I did my best with it. It's nice to have the body respond on the next day.

Monday, September 19, 2011

170 Oil

Mom came up for dinner last night. It was good to have her. I made a modified version of Athenian chicken breasts and a very light lemon torte. Mom loved the torte. I thought it was ok. I'm still frustrated, but am taking Dave's advice and not getting on the scale until Friday. Instead, I'm going to continue on the plan while enjoying my 18 pound lighter body.  I'm also wondering about digestion. I'm feeling that things just aren't moving through--shall we say, as well as they used to. I wonder if oil is the problem? WW says you're supposed to have 2 tsp of healthy oil every day. I've always ignored that--figuring that even on ww I get plenty of fat because I'm fond of butter and cheese. Plus, you don't just get those 2 tsp for free. You have to count the points for them, but maybe having them will help things slide along. I'm going to compromise on the points. I'll use one of them and count it and the other will come from activity points (I never use the activity points). This might just be wishful thinking--adding oil is easy, reducing portion sizes even more is hard and I don't want to do it.

Challenge for the day is a luncheon that I forgot about. I'm the advisor for one of the student senators and this is the introductory lunch.  I'll do my best. Otherwise the day is on track. Breakfast felt abundant--a big bowl of bran cereal, bacon and and a pumpkin muffin. Dinner is a mystery chili from the freezer (I only make healthy chili so it's fine) and mini corn muffins I made last night 2 pts. each.

I walked to work today--weather will be perfect all week long, and will lift weights after work. My legs are TIRED from Saturday's walk!! I didn't think the walk would affect like it did. I just walked! I walk almost everyday! I'm glad I did it though--it'll make me take the build up to the half marathon a lot more seriously.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

169 Again

191 yet again.  I was so hoping to break into the 180's after yesterdays exercise. It's either the movie popcorn asserting itself, or just a normal flux.  I accused Dave of tampering with the scale. He rightly pointed out that I should quit weighing myself everyday I only drive myself crazy.  He's right. I'm also thinking about what I could change about the way I eat, but I'm feeling to stubborn to change anything. I've already changed so much and it's hard and I already don't like all the limitations, I think if I restrict farther I'm going to explode in a fit of psychic rebellion. So-I'm staying the course---I will follow the @#$%&$$--plan, and try to avoid late night meals if I can and get the strength training in.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

168 Exercise

Phew! I am WELL exercised today and proud of myself. Yesterday we did go to the mall and just to compound the temptations there is a new place at the food court--Teazers.. Perfect name. Hot wings, gourmet burgers and nachos. All the things I like best. Sometime I'll go down specifically to have all of that, but not last night. I really did go to Subways. I had a club--wanted a roast beef--one of their better options, but the roast beef was frozen, so I just a little extra turkey on the club. I also had a yogurt parfait. No idea what the points where but it was 190 cal with 2 grams of fat. The idea was to fill up on healthy things so I wouldn't inhale too much movie popcorn.  I'm not sure if that worked or not. We got a large tub, and Dave also got some chocolate covered almonds. By the end of the movie (much better the second time round), most of the tub was gone, but I'm not sure if I was the one who ate most of it or Dave. Anyway movie popcorn and all I was 190 this morning.

It's been a good day. I slept in until 9. Had a bowl of cheerios and went for my 90 minute walk. It was probably closer to a two hour walk. I went in the direction of Manor Care rehab center thinking to visit Sis. Mead if the distance was at all close--it was! About 50 min from my house to her. I visited with her for about a 1/2 an hour. Then I took another detour to the Pleasant Valley library--which I swear had moved farther down the road--paid off my fine, checked out just a few things (didn't want to haul 40 pounds in my backpack) and got home about 3 hours after I'd left. My legs are more tired than I think they should be. I had a good lunch of leftover gyro stuff. Worked on Catherine's mural a little bit, and took my phone interruptions downstairs where I have begun to clean out and reclaim my craft closet.  My goals for today are to mow the lawn (more exercise!), the craft closet and to spend 1/2 hour on pictures. I have not handled the transition to digital cameras very well. We take hundreds of pics and then they are never seen again. I'm still not quite sure how to handle them, but the first thing I want is to get them all on well labeled disks or jump drives. I always put off the project because I'm never sure where the cords are and how to get the computer to work etc etc etc. But that's not going to change unless I tackle the project, so 1/2 an hour it is. I have 16 points left for dinner and I'm calling this week a very good week and who knows? I might even see the magic 189 again tomorrow.

Friday, September 16, 2011

167 Annoyed

Thank goodness for this blog. I just need to write out that today is weigh day and I'm 191--again. I've been perfect the last five days. But five days isn't very much and the problem this week has been late late meals. Last nights dinner again was exactly within points, but a heavy meal too late. So, I'm not surprised at this morning's weight. Annoyed is the right word. In truth five days is nothing, but actually living those five days minute to minute it FEELS like forever in the food world.

But some good things are happening too. I didn't finish my dinner last night. Again, I could have eaten more, but I really didn't want to. Granted, I didn't leave much on my plate--just a few fries and half an ear of corn, but that's quite an improvement for me. Today I also feel much less frumpy at work. Yesterday I had the happy problem of my clothes being baggy, and the design on my blouse made me feel like a walking sofa. Today is Friday which means jeans and a Weber T-shirt. Both of which are looking great if I do say so myself. Also, my speed in walking to work has definitley improved. This is important just now with the 1/2 marathon coming up! Tomorrow I start officially training (just means walking long distances) by walking 90 minutes. I plan to add little spurts of jogging as much as I can.

Tonight we're going to see the last Harry Potter again and have dinner at the mall. My favorite place there is the Greek place, but really, I think I'm going to go out of my way not to compound the disaster that movie popcorn is-and have Subways.

But the best thing going on is that I don't feel at all inclined to quit. I think that's the real gift of this blog. What's going to happen if I don't make my goal for this month? Well, I'll most likely at least have gotten halfway there. The negative part of me says--so what? it's only three pounds! Yeah, but you know what? It IS three pounds--and with any justice in the universe, probably will be four or even five. The insurance won't cover weight watchers for a bit--which is ok because it's only $29 every three months anyway. I will report my weight--get my new goal and a fresh start and keep going.  In last month's newsletter there was a woman who reached her goal and her journey included a five month weight stall.  I can relate! It dosen't really matter if the stall is due to the body doing weird things or my own poor choices--stalls are long and frustrating. But at least they're better than going UP! 

I've always complained the losing weight isn't like any other endeavor. Because with anything else a partial effort yields partial results, whereas weight just doesn't seem to budge. But that isn't really true. My lame partial efforts over a lifetime have spared me from ever being three or four hundred pounds. And in one thing losing weight is EXACTLY like anything else--the real secret is to NOT QUIT.  Not quit for any reason whatsoever--including and especially not quitting over my own bad choices and lapses. If I go to Aruba and eat like a pig. FINE--I won't quit. If I go to a party and eat a pound of Brie cheese I won't quit. If I break my leg and can't exercise I won't quit. If I stay at 191 for the next five months (better not!) I still won't quit.

The balance is just beginning to tip in my favor. I still want much more of the wrong things than I should have most of the time, but sometimes I want the right thing. And even sometimes like last night, I'm willing to be finished eating.  Sometimes, like yesterday I feel happy and serene eating appropriately. Sometimes, like all this week, I want to lose weight just a little bit more than I want to overeat. I hope that these events which are still on the isolated and rare side, become more and more and more frequent until they become the norm. I think it will happen because I am not going to quit.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

166 the kitchen candy store

Feeling more optimistic today. Have strung a few good ww days together and am back to 190 this morning and hoping to see the 180's again very soon. Immediately would be nice, but that's just not how things work.
I'm going to have to change how late days work. I have trouble getting snacks in on anyday, because I really love large meals, so I don't like taking points from dinner to have a snack, but on late days that's simply going to have to change. Yesterday I had lunch at 1:00 (a bit late for my preference) and that was it. I was hungry at 3:00, but I had class from 5:30-7:00 then the walk home after that. I mooched a dollar off the secretary to buy a banana to help me through and I'm glad I did, but I was just simply too hungry for too long, although dinner was great once I finally got it at about 7:45.  Actually, dinner really did feel nice--a little bit of a different feeling--I had an enchilada, cabbage salad and some baked chips, and it was good, and sure, I could have eaten three times as much again, but I was really okay with what I had. I was full enough, and had spent enough time eating, and it was.....enough. Later on as I was planning today's food I also had a sensation of enough. I'm choosing to forgo the bun on my burger so I can have pork and beans and I don't mind making that choice today.  As I was digging around in the fridge assembling my lunch I saw all the things I wasn't having today--the expensive cheese, the laughing cow cheese and cheetos, but it was okay because I was having other things I wanted more--most notably a double portion of olives.  It was a little like the feeling I get in a candy store. I'm not able to eat every candy in the store, but I enjoy picking out what I want and I always look forward to coming back. Fixing lunch felt like that. The kitchen was full of wonderful things, and I was picking out the things I wanted most and knowing that I could come back and "buy" more another day. You know--I like imagining our kitchen is some kind of fun country store that I might come across on a vacation. If I really went to a country store and bought a day's bag of stuff it would feel really special and exciting and somehow better than what I might have at home. Managing food makes everything a little more special and thus a little bit better than it would be otherwise. Maybe THIS is one reason most people manage to stay thin---they have an intuitive sense that eating less actually makes the eating better, so it's not very hard to stop after they're full. Why ruin things? When I'm farther along on this journey I want to re-read "French Women don't get Fat." I think they live this principle.

Here's what I got from the "kitchen store" today.  I'm imagining it's all homemade (it is) and came from some special farm (in a way it did), and I went through the store putting these things in my basket Mostly cute individual servings, and it's a fun vacation special thing to do (which it would be, I'd never really buy so many things).

Diet Cranberry Juice $.75
bacon ...75
a pumpkin chocolate chip muffin $1.
a banana .50
a roast beef deli wrap 4.95
baby carrots 1.
greek yogurt 2.50
a dozen olives 2.00
a chocolate cookie .25
a turkey pattie with toppings 2.50
fresh corn on the cob 1.50
pork and beans 1
homemade oven fries 2.50
watermelon 1.50
a reeses peanut butter cup .50
caffeine free diet coke .80

Just for fun, I'm going to put imaginary prices on all this stuff--how much would a jaunt to this country store cost? About 23.50 plus tax and probably a whole lot more in a real tourist trap type store. Of course this is just individual servings for me. If we add in Dave and Catherine it's going to top 70 or 80 dollars easy. Quite extravagent! I'm going to enjoy the extravagence today!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

165 Hard enough

Okay--feeling much less inclined to do some quick quack diet today. Just being faithful to WW is plenty hard enough thanks--and it works just fine, I just need to string some good days together and I'll see the 180's again in no time. We got our shipment of PB2 yesterday. I've missed that stuff!! 2 Tbl of peanut butter only 1 point. YES. We also got some chocolate flavor--it's not Nutella, but it's not bad.

I've emailed Catherine and we're definitley going to do the Provo Halloween Half marathon. This sounds like such a blast--straight down some of the most gorgeous scenery in the world while wearing a Halloween costume.  Perfect! The website is: Halloweenhalf.com

Today's challenege is this stupid Wednesday night class I'm taking. It's a lab that goes along with my stats class that teaches us to use a database program. I have exactly zero interest in learning this program and very nearly zero ability too. But the real problem is that the class is from 5:30 to 7:00, so by the time I walk home it will be 7:30 and now it's 3:00 and I'm already hungry. I foolishly did not pack a snack because I simply didn't want to spend the points for it. Tonight is a left over night and I'm having an enchilada and a salad and chips and a reeses peanut butter cup for dessert and I am determined to have it! I just wish I could have it a little earlier. I suppose it would be possible to pack it to work and eat before my class, but that's too early. If I must choose, I'd rather eat too late and have it to look forward to and be able to relax and enjoy it.

Can't wait to go home and dig out my walking schedule--I'm going to work on walking as fast as I possibly can intermixed with jogging as much as I can. I dont want to be last by some huge margin.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

164 Yikes!

ACK!!! Up another pound 192. I can think of all kinds of reasons why this might be so---I'm being punished for the weekend events, I had a heavy dinner last night (it was perfectly within points, but it WAS really satisfying), it could be a random flux, or it could even be a new medication.  In any case, I'm a little worried--but not too much. The last two days have been on track and today will be on track too. I did some strength training again yesterday, and I think perhaps I'm a little stronger (which would also account for a weight loss stall).  Really, though I think the culprit is just plain eating too much too often. 

A couple of years ago I tried the six day diet make-over plan, and I'm a tempted to try it again, just to get things jumpstarted. It's a very strict, very healthy, very low-cal, and very horrible plan. Lots of chicken and veggies. Again. and again and again and again and again.  The guy that cooked up the plan also has a six WEEK plan, which sounds awful. No way I'd put myself through that, but a six day weight loss quickie? Maybe--especially now when the scale hasn't budged. I might even have the book at home. If not, I can always download it, or even pay off my library fine and possibly find it. It's a quick fix quack diet no doubt about it, but I think maybe sometimes those things are ok (so long as they are basically healthy!), some, but by no means ALL the weight lost is water, and it sure helps to make one feel grateful for a much more normal and yummy weightwatchers life. I think I'll go for it. I'll have to look over my week next week because it'll need to be done when nothing else special is happening--and I've found out those times are much rarer than I thought.

Another possible very fun thing---the Provo Halloween half-marathon! It sounds like a race with costumes--what a riot! I'd love to do this with Catherine.  I'm going to call today to ask just how serious a race it is. I mean, will there be any other walkers? It took me 4 hours to complete the last half marathon. If everyone else is really going to run it and be done in two hours, then I will try a different event, but I really hope I can do this one, it sounds like so much fun!!!

Monday, September 12, 2011

163 Holding steady

Still holding steady weight-wise. Not surprising. One really good day (yesterday) isn't going to undo days and days of damage. One thing I love is that the road is always always always right before me. I've planned a very good day today--walked to work and will do strength training after work too. It's tempting to be frustrated and think, "UGH! If I'd only held on and not fallen to all those temptations, I'd be so much farther on!!!" But you know---maybe I wouldn't be. I'd weigh less for sure, but would I be able to maintain a weight loss that was based on nail-biting will power alone?

One thing I know about myself is that my interest in anything ebbs and flows. I went through about a six month blah period with the harp where I did no more than go through the motions. My progress in that time was minimal--but it WAS progress. I didn't quit and I didn't go backward. Now I'm a little more excited again. Controlling food is different--it's blah almost all the time even on a good day! I don't like to control what I eat!  Although, even as I type that I realize that it isn't quite true anymore. Sure, I enjoy eating whatever and whenever I want, but I really like knowing that what I'm eating is good for my body! I like knowing that I'm not overburdening my systems with garbage. And I take pleasure in the good food I get to eat while I'm doing it. Today for example:
1/2 cup cottage cheese
a chocolate chip pumpkin muffin.
diet juice

Lipton cup o soup
four wasa crisp crakers
2 laughing cow cheeses
tomato salad
pumpkin chocolate chip muffin

1/3 pan of gyro meat
tziki sauce with 1/4 cup of feta
2 slices hommade french bread

Not a bad menu if I do say so myself. As always, I wish it could be more, but it's enough.  I know it's enough because my body feels healthy and strong. It's only my mind and addictive habits that want more feta cheese and to nibble all day long. Maybe someday soon I'll plan a nibble day. No meals, just all day grazing.
Anyway--I'v been treading weight-loss water, I don't know if I'll hit the target by the end of the month. I hope so, but if I don't I'll simply set a new target and keep on going.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

162 A baking day

Math party was FUN!  Desserts were great alas, but again they weren't nearly the challenge that the appetizer table was. Undoubtedly, I was over points, but I was also much more reasonable than I would have been otherwise. As a small savings I had my hamburger as an openface sandwich. I got out the top and bottom and then realized that I don't even LIKE hamburger buns--why was I having two? Come to think of it, why did I even bother to have one? I guess having one enabled me to pick it up. Next time I'll use the knife and fork option.

Today was a much better more on-track day. A nice Sunday. I walked the 5K again, this time as fast as I could walk it (50 min).  I did a lot of baking. I made baked tortilla chips, spinach dip, mini-cheesecakes (4 points!), pumpkin chocolate chip muffins (also 4 points), and a loaf of bread. And chicken enchiladas for dinner--very good---left on my own I would have put on at least quadruple the amount of cheese, but truly, they were ok with the very modest amount that I did use.

Last night I visited my overweight friend from the ward. I was struck again by the difference in her behaviors and mine, she's supposedly on weight watchers too, but not really. She isn't anywhere near ready to make the changes.  I brought over six 1 point chocolate cookies. She ate all six (not a hard thing to do) and then some crackers with Nutella, without noticing I think, that she was eating anything at all. The weird thing is that that snack isn't really all that out of the ordinary for me either. But somewhere there is a difference--I weigh about 100 pounds or more less than she does. What am I doing right from day to day (I bet the 5K helped) that she isn't yet?  Maybe I'm just slightly more aware? More importantly for me, what are the key differences in the way I behave from the way my skinny friends behave? Maybe they're even more aware?  I did notice at yesterday's party that TH--who is a graduate from Westpoint, did NOT hit the dessert table.

Off to plot tomorrow's points.  I'm glad I did the baking. I feel as though the house is full of good things to eat.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

161 Brie Cheese

Did WELL with the Famous Dave's BBQ.  I don't know if was within points (probably not), but all things considered, it was a darn good effort.  I had just two ribs, and a little of the sides and two very small slices of dessert. What wasn't so good was the appetizer table. Darn Brie cheese. Yes, three helpings of that--but still, considering the temptations--I feel darn proud of myself cheese and all.  This morning was the stake 5K fun run.  I invited Janet from work and walked it with her. She's very overweight and a 5K is as tough for her (probably tougher than a 1/2 marathon is for me). It was a SLOW walk--we were dead last by a long margin (1 hour 22 minutes), but she finished despite shin splints.  I am proud of her. I'll be doing some dance dance or faster walking tonight.though. I don't think I can even count that 5K as real exercise. After the race there were scones.  I had two small ones and some apple juice. I'll have an on track lunch and do the best I can with tonight's housewarming party.  I'm bringing 1 point chocolate cookies to it--hopefully other desserts won't be too luscious looking.

Friday, September 9, 2011

160 UP

Hey!! Weigh day and 191!  What gives?? I've been pretty darn good since Monday. I'm worried I'm not going to hit my target by the end of the month--I'm supposed to be at 187. Tonight's not going to be any help either. I was reminded that Famous Dave's is catering the department BBQ. Crud.

I hate it when the scale doesn't give me the numbers I want. Part of the problem here is that I don't believe in 187.  Isn't that crazy? It's only four pounds away, but it's been so long that I literally can't imagine stepping on the scale and seeing that number. A real part of me is convinced that this number can't exist. The other diet stopping emotion is fear/anger. This is always the fear that what its going to take to actually lose the weight is going to simply be more than I'm willing to give and therefore I'm going to be stuck being fat forever, and I resent this and really resent the lifestyle that I imagine I'm going to be stuck with if I choose to be thin instead. Love Sean, but 1500 cal a day for the rest of my life sounds awful.  I would literally rather be fat.  Thank goodness for this blog which proves to even me that a healthier life can still be filled with a whole lot of food. It's just today that the scale is up and I have a salad that I don't want to eat for lunch.

What's better thinking? The amount I'm willing to change and give toward better health can and is growing. No, today I can't imagine being happy with a life of moderate portions all the time, but I AM learning to be happy with that some of the time.  Of all people, I should know that doing what I CAN do works. Why does it work? Because what I CAN do is always just a small step or two above what I actually do in my natural, lazy state. It doesn't take much effort so it's easy not to do what I can do, but if and when I choose to do what I can then progress happens.

Lastly, absolutely great quote from someone who posts on Caloriecounter.com.

We crave what we eat. If we eat candy, chips, doughnuts, cookies, etc., we actually develop cravings for the same kind of foods (word food used loosely here).
If you eat fruit and vegies often enough, you will eventually crave them. This is scientific and logical sense. Recall that years ago people were saying 'You are what you eat', and 'The power of positive thinking', etc.? Well I say 'You crave what you know'

That gives me hope.  It's true! I love watermelon and turkey burgers and wraps and olives, and zucchinni "chips" (cut up zuchinni). 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

159 a normal day

Today is shaping up to be one of those rare "normal" days.  I'm at work, after work I will go home and I will not be studying statistics!  Hooray.  The big assignment is due today, so I can take the night off. Nanette, my harp teacher is coming over to help me replace a string and I've invited her for dinner.  Food-wise is happily normal too. I had cream of wheat with fresh raspberries for breakfast (love my mom--she grows raspberries and blackberries).  Lunch is the sort of eclectic meal that I love--a roll, 1 oz of fancy cheese, olives, deli meats with cream cheese, a cup of soup and a banana.  Dinner will be turkey burgers with oven fries.  I still have 6 points left for the day--I can't decide if I want to blow them at lunch or save them for a dessert after dinner. I could have 3 points of nuts, or a three point reeses peanut butter cup. mmmmmmm.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

158 Rolls

The weather is perfect, and I'm loving walking to work.  I made a sort of thin decision as I was preparing my lunch for today.  Tonight we're having "spicy corn soup" a ww recipie that Jennifer raved about. I'll have to take her ravings with more of a grain of salt--like the oatmeal, it's good, but not wonderful.  Anyway, I made a batch of italian rolls (baseballs) to go with it. I love these things. I'm planning on having 2 with dinner and I had planned to have 2 with lunch as well, but the rolls turned out on the big side and as I was looking at them I decided to just have one for lunch, because truly it would be enough, and spend the other roll points on some snackwells fudge cookies.  This decision doesn't seem like much--in fact it doesn't help me at all calorie or weight loss wise, but it's still a step in the right direction. It's a move away from mammoth portions without deprivation. It has the same feeling as the pizza choice the other day. On Saturday I had two pieces because I could. Today I could have two rolls for lunch, but I'm opting for one.  Practice, practice, practice.  That's what this journey takes.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

157 Purse

ACK! Fuddruckers was closed for remodeling. We wound up at Chili's--not a terrible place, there are some nice diet-friendly options, not that any of us chose them.  I lost control over the chips and salsa.  But this is IT. I've been putzing around at the same weight for a month now.  I need to lose 3 more pounds to make goal.  I can do it, but only if I quit doing silly things. Challenges are always here. I have a BBQ coming up on Friday, and a housewarming party on Saturday. I'm determined to finish September strong. 

Now having said that, I still think that this path (with all of its deviations), is the right one for me. I'm SLOWLY beginning to believe that great off plan food will always be there--some I can incorporate right into the plan, sometimes I will indulge, but I don't need to always indulge because the same food will be there the next day and the next and the next and the next. I'm almost at the point where I can put that into action. At the baptism on Saturday I mentioned that I loaded up on fruits and salad and had two pieces of pizza which I had the points for.  I almost didn't go back for the second piece. I really didn't need/want it, but I'm just not quite at the place where I can easily say no to something I love just because I'm not hungry--especially if I actually have the points to have it. But I'm convinced that saying no to that second slice when it isn't wanted, is exactly how thin people stay thin. They're not deprived. They had the pizza. They just have the sense to realize that they don't want that second piece, even if they know it will taste good.  I'm getting there, just slowly slowly slowly.

I'm also going to forgive myself for August. This is a little scary to do--the line between forgiving myself for mistakes and rationalizing those mistakes is very thin. Maybe simply stating the truth will be the most helpful thing. August was genuinely a very stressful month. Most of the time I stayed on track anyway, but I ate at far too many restaraunts and had far too many other indulgences whenever a "special occasion" came up. I made no attempt to control anything at these times (except the educators BBQ--a little self-control there).  Result: maintained weight rather than lose. What should I do? Obviously, press on and do better. Will beating myself up for August be of any practical benefit? No. It will only discourage me. SO! Moving on in a positive way---it is also a fact that the weight I maintained was for me, a very low one. Pat on the back for staying at 190 and for bringing a very healthy lunch to the zoo! A pat for lifting weights on Friday. And a big pat for re-grouping and going forward again. My day is planned today and it should be fairly easy to handle since I'm still full from last night's dinner.

Now for two fun things results. It used to take aboiut 35 min to walk to campus. Today I left late and made it easily in about 20 min--that's without being out of breath! The other fun thing is my purse. I have a cute little bag--the only drawback was that the strap was a little too short to wear comfortably over one shoulder, so when I lost my wallet, I bought a different purse/wallet with a longer strap. I've never liked the new purse quite as well--I couldn't drop keys or my cell phone easily into it. Yesterday I decided to switch back, and the old purse's strap had magically grown longer! I wore it all over the zoo with no tugging or adjusting at all. Hey! bonus third thing--Christine is always picking up free clothes and passing them on to us. There was a nice shirt that looked small, but it fit!

So--good things are happening. A stall in August is far better than an out of control gain. Moving on--the dream is that I'll hit the 170's before we go to Hawaii.

Monday, September 5, 2011

156 Zoo

Labor Day! A glorious day to sleep in! We're going to celebrate by going to the zoo. I've fixed a nutritious picnic lunch, but dinner is going to be a Fuddruckers as we take Catherine back to BYU. Other than the french fries, it's not such a bad choice. And who knows? I've had enough hamburgers that I might even choose a different option.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

155 Fast Sunday

Ahhhh Fast Sunday. Today that means TIME. Time to snuggle with my husband, time to watch Dinosaur Train--yes, the kid show, time to finally look at the Hawaii guidebook! Possibly time to tune the harp and replace a string. Time to be with Catherine. After church, a leisurely dinner (Pork Chops and Peaches) and family games. Food-wise, easy. Fasting has that nice side effect. The weather has turned from heat wave to perfect.  I'll go plot my weight (a disappointing 190) on the ww site and enjoy the day.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

154 Over

A big sigh of relief today. Riley's baptism is over and it all went very well. Catherine is home for the weekend too and it feels really good. I didn't track today, but I think I probably wound up not too bad on points despite manifold temptations. Luckily, I wasn't hungry for lunch so I had points there. After the baptism we had some of Riley's favorites--pizza and cupcakes. I loaded up on salad and fruit and had 2 pieces of pepperoni--figure 10 pts a slice. Ok.Temptation not over yet. It was also Kristin's birthday--after cleaning up the church we went to Lisa's house for cake and ice-cream. Lisa does not make ordinary cakes. This one was darling--six layers each a different color. There was no such thing as a small slice. But I gave part of my slice to Mom and left some on my plate too.   I managed to get in some Just Dance this morning and I also mowed the lawn when we got back so I think overall I did well.

Just now though I''m a little disappointed. Because we refinanced our house we don't have to make a mortgage payment this month. So one would think that would give us an extra $625 to spend. Not even close. Someday, we'll have enough that we don't have to count the minutes until payday. But until then, God has been taking good care of us. We've had enormous bills with college, but our heads remain above water--a miracle indeed in this economy.

Friday, September 2, 2011

153 Tuna Casserole

All right---today IS the official weigh day. 190.  Meh. You know, if I could just put all the energy I spend treading weight loss water into forward momentum I could be done with this problem once and for all!  I'm telling myself--probably truthfully, that I am weighing a little heavier because I ate so darn late last night.  The original plan was to walk home at 5, eat dinner then go visit Sister Mead and go to my harp lesson.  Plans change---my office is now closing at 5:30 on Thursdays--I sort of selectively chose not to notice that I was the one scheduled to stay late (this is fair because I'm taking my stats class during the workday and need to make up time.  Anyway--I DID end up staying late then as I was walking home, Nanette the harp teacher asked if I would like the lesson at 6?  Usually I love to do this--and I decided to do it last night too even though I was really hungry.  So---dash home, grab harp books, run up to campus for the lesson, THEN go see Sis Mead, THEN finally get home around 7:30.  I had dinner around 8:00.  Too late and too hungry.  Still, I didn't finish it all.  The meal sounds perfectly good and it was--a porkchop I had marinated in a citrus marinade, noodles, green beans and a tomato and onion salad.  A good dinner, but not one that lit up my taste buds and made me wish for more. I realized midway through that I was full and stopped.  It brought to mind the stuff Mom used to make for dinner. She's a good cook, but back in the 70's when I was a lot thinner, she'd often make stuff like tuna casserole that was ok and nourishing, but nothing to get excited about. I think if I ate more meals like this it would be easier to control my weight.  There really is a limit to the amount of tuna casserole one can eat.  Problem is that I don't WANT a bunch of meals like this--I like looking forward to food and knowing it will be exactly what I want.

Still---stopping last night is a very good sign I think. Maybe I can begin to learn to stop when I'm full with exactly these sorts of situations--church food is a prime example. It's rare (as in once in my lifetime so far) that a ward dinner makes me excited. Usually, it at tuna casserole level. This is exciting come to think of it!!! This is how I quit eating fast food so much. I finally realized that I was never full and I didn't like that feeling. If I can begin to start happily passing up mediocre food when I'm full that will be a step toward passing up excellent food when I've had enough. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

152 Kettle Korn

Weird, yesterday's post didn't publish. So I pushed the button again today and I'm good to go. Yesterday, I had my day beautifully planned out, but I was derailed by starving hunger at about 10:00 o'clock.  You just can't fool the body.  For breakfast I had had a bowl of cream of wheat with blackberries. Yummy and satisfying--but apparently just plain not enough (4 points).  I continue to be amazed by those who manage to stick to low cal diets.  Anyway, I had a packet of soup here that was 1 point, but I didn't want to go over points, so instead I hung tough for about an hour and then instead, dug out the microwave popcorn that's been sitting in there for months. Now, I often bring microwave popcorn---usually the single serving size that's only a point or two. Well, this stuff came in a gift bag and I had no idea what it was or how much it was worth and since it wasn't labeled and I didn't know then somehow to my hunger addled mind it was a zero.  HA! It was full blown kettle korn and it was terrific--but I haven't had the courage yet to look up how many points that was worth! I knew what I was doing from the start, but I ate almost all of it before I was willing to consider what I was doing. I wonder why that was so difficult? It was probably because I was not only hungry then, but afraid that lunch wasn't going to fill me up either.  Even still...I fast once a month---zero food or even water all day long and it isn't that much of a big deal. So, I did what I always do.  Said oops to the kettle korn (it did make me feel much better) and kept the rest of the day on track including some good dancing on the wii. The other dumb thing I did though was to get on the scale this morning---again the power of pure wishful thinking. I WANT to see the 180's again. I'm soooo close.  191.  But again, it's not even weigh day so I shouldn't be on the scale. It might be the kettle korn, it might be retained water, it might be the late dinner, it might be a hundred things and I know better, but that doesn't stop the inner voice from shrieking--"you can't do this!" "It will never happen!" "You don't want to do this!" "Why don't you stop and have something you want to have??"

It feels good to identify that voice here in the blog. It robs the voice of power. Today I had something similar happen.  Much more substantial breakfast, but still hungry in the mid-morning.  I was tired last night and didn't plan out my food properly (although I did make dinner for tonight). I threw together what I hoped would be ok. It was. I got to work and logged it all in on the computer.  This time I DID eat the soup for a point. Also, I bought a sleeve of the lime and chili nuts I like and ate a controlled 1/2 sleeve for three more points.  It means I won't have a bunch of cookies and milk later on, but I think it was the right decision.

Now---on the VERY bright side. Today I am wearing the GREEN SHIRT!!!! Christmas before last Dave bought me five or six beautiful shirts for work. All a plain size large-I was on the old ww plan and hating it--in fact I think I had just fallen off the wagon for keeps. None of the shirts fit. I could squeeze into them, but they hugged every bulge and no way could I wear them in public. They ALL fit last night.  A little tight in the chest maybe, but not unduly so. They all seemed much stretchier than they used to be. The green shirt is my favorite of all that he bought. It feels great to wear it on the first day of Sept--which to my mind is the first day of fall regardless of what the calendar says. I feel slim. I do NOT need to listen to the voice. Yes, this takes time. Yes, this takes more time than I think it should because of my own poor choices. But every day is a new day and YES I CAN succeed. Nobody's out there with a stopwatch. This is a process of recovery and if kettle korn mistakes are part of the process then so be it.

151 Feeling Skinny

Feeling skinny today. I'm learning that feeling skinny doesn't have much to do with my actual weight--I mean within a pound or two I doubt I'm noticing a real difference, but it doesn't matter. Today I feel skinny and it's fun. My legs feel long, my pants are loose, my waist seems more defined. It makes me want to stay on course to get even farther along more quickly. It's weird to think I'm living at what is dream weight for some people and well below goal weight for some men. Makes me feel petite indeed!  Today I'm also feeling pleased with points. Tonight's dinner is cobb salad. I figured out the points if I were to have it as I like it--real blue cheese dressing (4 TBLS--ok, I would like more, but this is reasonable), blue cheese crumbles, regular cheese cubes, meat, and bacon. Also on the side, 4 wasa crisp breads with butter and garlic salt. That comes in at a whopping 22 points. But you know what? That's not undoable!  I had a lite bagel with cream cheese and a bowl of blackberries for b-fast. For lunch, I'm having a wrap, olives, zero point soup,watermelon and cheetos.  I have a banana for a snack which I'll try and save until after work, because I have my lab tonight so it'll be a late dinner.

The other day I re-read this blog from the beginning. HOLY COW!! Talk about a record of addiction! On again, off again an endless record of 'exceptions' and rationale. And yet, I'm being successful anyway!!!!  Looking back, it hasn't been a particuarly easy time emotionally--Mom getting cancer, some unhappy family encounters, Catherine wanting to join the military, financial stress, RS presidency stuff, a close contact with a suicide, and most of all---Catherine graduating from high school, getting ready for college and then LEAVING home.  Any of those could have knocked me off track---come to think of it, all of them DID--and yet I'm still here. 19 pounds lighter--hoping to see 20 by Friday