Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, March 18, 2013

keeping track

Better write down what I've eaten today before I lose control altogether. It's almost time to go home and I'm quite hungry, which is fine, but it makes me think that I have eaten too much, will be eating too much and that there are no other choices. Let me get this down. Breakfast-- 2 "morning glory" muffins at about 250 cal each 3 strips bacon-150 1 glass chocolate milk--150 Breakfast---800 cal Snack--6 slices deli roast beef w fat free cream cheese---about 70 cal Lunch--2 small slices cheesecake factory rustic veggie pizza. 300 cal each? celery and red pepper slices--50 olives--60--- Lunch--710 Truffle--80? Snack--fiber one bar--140 Total so far---1730 Oops. No wonder I'm feeling a little out of control. The big problem is that my lunch wasn't filling. So now I've had a bunch of calories with not much to show for it. I'm making a new reciepe for dinner out of the cooking light magazine. I will try to fill up as much as I can on low calorie side dishes and ideally, skip dessert. On the bright side, I went and lifted a few weights even though that's the last thing I felt like doing today.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

cheesecake factory

Slowly making better decisions. The other day when I had 250 cal left for dinner? Catherine wanted to take us to Zuppas for dinner. Truth was, I was still stuffed from lunch--that was a huge taco salad I ate. This blog really helped--I went to Zuppas and realized that I was stuffed and decided to get dinner to take home later when I was hungry. The salad sounded good, but i decided I didn't want their high calorie dressing, I got it without and took it home. I wasn't even a little hungry until about 8. I really didn't need dinner even then--but I ate the bread, some olives and cheese and the chocolate dipped strawberries. More than I needed, but FAR less than I would have eaten had I just been on autopilot.

Yesterday we went to the cheesecake factory. There's really no excuse for the cheesecake factory--it's all deadly. But I had it in mind and ate very reasonably for breakfast and lunch. I didn't go out of my way to overstuff at the factory, but I did have exactly what I wanted. Today is St. Patrick's day and we have shepherd's pie and rich brownies that I made for the missionaries who aren't coming after all. I sitll have at least half of last night's cheesecake--BUT since I want those brownies, the cheesecake can wait.

Friday, March 15, 2013


Things have gone very well the past two days. On wednesday, I had over 900 calories left by dinner time. Yesterday I didn't count, but I did all right I think). I volunteered at a blood drive and didn't get dinner till late, I probably should have eaten the pretzels rather than the trail mix---but dinner surprised me. We got real pizza to celebrate pi day (March 14), and I only wanted 2 pieces, I also made myself a salad which I ate, but was really thinking that I didn't want to finish it (I did finish it, but maybe next time it will be easier to stop). Catherine came by at lunch and brought me 2 little sweet potato pies for pi day. I ate one and was happy. Today, I sense that if I don't count calories I will slide off into not trying at all. So, I will count. Breakfast--thin bagel w lite cream cheese--about 150 Milk--100 Pear--80 giradelli chocolate (oops) about 100. Total--430 Lunch will be a taco salad from upstairs---all eating out is 1500 cal That brings me to 1930 for the day. Realistically, I doubt I'll be able to eat only 270 cal for dinner, BUT--also realistically, I don't think the taco salad is quite 1500 calories. What this tells me is that I need to go as lightly as I can tonight. Tonight is NOT the night to eat giant desserts or giant portions. I will have had enough. What do I do now though? I'm genuinely hungry and lunch seems like a long time away. I have some cup of soup. I think I'll go ahead and eat that and take the edge off. I do believe in the intuitive eating idea that genuine hunger should be responded to.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A gentle effort

It's been awhile! I've thought about this blog, but i've deliberatley not been writing in it. I want to get my focus off of food--to try intuitive eating and give my mind and body a chance to normalize. The catch is that I still have an addiction, I don't "normalize" I gain weight, and I'm still having quite a reaction to weight watchers--meaning that I'm reacting badly to any attempt to control my food. I am still determined never to "diet" again. Yes, I lose weight (at least in the short term) but it just adds to my food problem making it that much harder the next time. I'm back up to 197, which is disappointing. but at least not over the dread 200. I've been thinking why I am so determined NOT to lose weight, but I'm baffled. I was feeling and looking good at 185--almost good enough to tempt me to try weight watchers again. But no. It just isn't for me.

So, here's the latest plan---a very gentle, very loose plan that I think addresses one of the fundamental problems of weightwatchers. I'm going with the old saying, "Act as if." I looked it up on the internet, and IF I weighed about 160 and was moderatley active, I would need to eat about 2100 cal every day. OK!! I know from the Lean and Free program, that left to myself I will naturally eat about 2200-2400. THAT's not so much of a difference! What I want to stop is what happened the other night. I went through my normal day, and after dinner I had probably eaten about the normal 2,300. THEN Catherine made cookies loaded with mm's. I probably ate an additional 800 cal of cookies and milk. I do that kind of thing ALL THE TIME, and it's really hurting me.

I'm not going to freak out over this effort, it doesn't feel like a diet because I intend to eat whatever I want--including 800 calories of cookies and milk if that's what I really want, but if I do that, I will eat more lightly during the day. I think I can put on some very gentle brakes without triggering massive rebellion because I perceive that 2,200 cal is enough for anybody and MANY MANY MANY men eat that or less. I feel as though I'm not being punished for being female. It's still going to be hard---but I hope I will perceive it as reasonably hard--and that for once I am off kilter and bringing myself back to where I should be and how I want to live all the time.

For counting purposes I want to simplify things as much as possible--with the idea that when I get to where I need to be, I can stop counting unless my weight starts to creep back up. I'm going to figure that all cheese is 100 cal an ounce. All restaurant meals are 1,500 cal whether it's burgers and fries or whether it's the cheesecake factory (Saturday's folly), potlucks at the ward and work are 1,000 cal, and all homemade cookies are 120 cal, all random desserts are 300 cal.

I got onto caloriecount.com and decided that it was too clunky to log all food---paper and pencil are much easier, but calorie count is great for looking up random stuff like the olives I have today.

I'm a little excited today--as I always am when starting a new project, but this time, I'm just trying to so what I perceive everybody else is doing, rather than trying to live some plan that is much harder than everyone else is doing. I think I'll keep up this blog, because I still expect this to be very hard---my habits and body are all going to demand more food than is good for me, but I hope to slowly, but truly change.