Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

238 Fat thinking

I'm so glad I'm keeping this blog.  Maybe someday it will help someone. Once I've lost 50 pounds someone can read this and think, "If efforts this lame were successful maybe I shouldn't give up just because I blew my diet today."  In the meantime it helps me. I've lost a total of 42 pounds--22 since blogging here and 20 from before that with efforts no less lame.  CAN be done and I will keep at it  until I win.  Yesterday I had a great day. Today my breakfast and dinner will be on track--it's lunch that's the problem---the institute Christmas luncheon--serving only my biggest weakness--appetizers. I have no intention of doing anything moderate about it other than eating as many veggies as I can. I suppose thinking that I must indulge in the appetizer buffet IS fat thinking, but since I'm not really willing to deal with that, it wasn't what I was thinking when I titled this blog. No, the fat thinking was the pumpkin bread. I had to go to a class today and pass out evaluations for the students to fill out. The teacher had made chocolate chip pumpkin bread for the class. This was NOT a part of my plan for the day, but (here's the fat thinking) since I was going to have a rich lunch anyway...  Silly.  The fat thinking was further compounded by the fact that the teacher was the lady who led last year's walking group and talked a lot about intuitive eating. Well!!  Since I intuitively wanted the pumpkin bread--then that further justified my eating it.  So I did.  Truth was I don't think I did intuitively want it. I wasn't hungry, it didn't sound exceptionally appealing, it's just that pumpkin bread always sounds good so down it went.

Monday, November 28, 2011

238 Cheetos

Hey!  Amazingly I did not gain any weight this weekend.  I have no idea how that happened--I recklessly indulged in all of my bad habits--things like grabbing a handful of nuts everytime I passed through the kitchen--stuff like that. And the cheeseball....Darn it.  It's always the cheeseball that gets me.  I'll simply have to have it more often so it isn't such a rarity in my life.  I have to admit though it is with some degree of relief that I return to more moderate ways today. I really don't like feeling stupified with fats and sugars---and I REALLY don't want to throw away all my hard work.  I'm taking today's weight as a pure gift and moving forward, and today's menu sounds great to me.  Breakfast--cream of wheat cereal made with milk and topped with raspberries and splenda. Lunch--a "cup of soup" a roast beef deli wrap, olives, a dill pickle, a broiled jalapeno with cream cheese, and just a few cheetos.  Darn the cheetos!! They are not all created equally!  We once bought a bag where the serving size was 21 and the points were 3.  I noticed last night that the serving size on this bag was only 15 puffs.  FIVE points!  I can't decide if I'm glad I double checked or not, but in any case I brought only 3 points woth with me today.  It's cold, but not too cold, so I walked to work.  I need to get back to the strength training as well, but realistically, I probably won't until after Christmas.  Just now I'm overwhelmed with getting ready for Christmas early, planning out Hawaii, and dealing with family, and finishing my stats class. (Last lab on Wednesday hooray!).  Of course doing the strength training will help considerably with stress--one thing at a time. If I can get the food under control that will be a big step forward.  It helps that me and Dave went through the fridge and threw a lot of it out last night.

Friday, November 25, 2011

235 Thanksgiving

Well, what can I say? Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I love it. For me the holidays are about joy, and abundance of all kinds--food included. It's almost noon today and I haven't eaten yet.  I will soon though--but probably not as terribly as one might expect--the big downfall is the cheeseball and crackers.

I'm afraid this blog might become quite depressing over the next year. Mom's tumor is back and she rested for most of yesterday.  This will be the last holidays that we get to have her. Losing my mother makes me sad. Dealing with the aftermath of both houses--makes me both frightened and very angry. Dad's house would fit right into any reality show.  But this blog is about my real life and succeeding in a difficult task. It would be lovely if I could lose weight in a nice stress-free bubble, but I can't.  These next few years are going to involve tremendous upheavals--death, drugs, disability, evictions, a vast amount of clean-up and heaven only knows what else. I resent my father and sister for dumping all of their problems into mine and Lisa's laps because they have been too lazy to deal their problems themselves. I feel victimized and furious. But okay.  That's what life handed me, and my job is to grow past the crisis--become less victimized, less furious and more filled with love and charity. In short, I intend to win this fight. However wretched my family, I can choose happiness and success in weight loss or anything else. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

233 Not bad

Okay!!  The day before Thanksgiving and I weigh 188.  I can live with that---no matter how much I eat tomorrow I wont gain more than a pound or two. And paradoxically, as soon as I state here that I just want to hold the line until after the holidays--I find that I'm not looking forward to overeating as much as I thought. I got the new Cooking Light magazine and the recipies sound amazing. There's even a sample 7 day plan--which is totally impractical, but it sounds appealing to eat a wide variety of good things (great things if you actually made everything from the magazine), and weirdly the smaller portions sound appealing too!!!  Whatever!--Today I give up trying to figure out my rebellious mind.  I will spend the day cooking pies with Catherine with frequent forays into the living room to play wii dance.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

232 New Plan

Ok--I've been searching high and low for motivation and it just isn't there. Course it doesn't help that the day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'd still love to break 180 before Hawaii, but to my great irritation I honestly don't want to do that as much as I don't want to engage in the behaviors that would make that possible.   FRUSTRATING!!!  So, here's the new plan. DON'T GAIN WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAYS.  I'm enjoying myself wholeheartedly for Thanksgiving day but using some restraint the day before and after. I will count points as faithfully as I can manage until we go to Hawaii--won't worry about the luau at the Polynesian Cultural Center, but otherwise will do my best to keep a lid on things and get plenty of exercise and eat lots of pineapple. New Years Day I hope to be renewed and join the rest of the country in the quest for fitness. So--GOAL---weigh 187 or less on New Year's Day.  I have a sinking feeling that this will present more than enough of a challenge.

Monday, November 21, 2011

231 senate lunch

Today's challenge--the free lunch at the student senate meeting. Last time they had those delicious sandwiches that look like they ought to be filling but just aren't! Got a good night's sleep, brought the big cup for water back to work and will get my walking in. Happily am wearing my very nice wool lined pants that I bought a long time ago at the DI of all places.  When I first got them I couldn't even get them buttoned.  Now they not only button, but the pleats lay flat.  Nice!  I'm going to join the ZERO project at work--meaning gaining zero weight over the holidays.  Oddly, I'm just not that worried about Thanksgiving. If I feast from the day before Thanksgiving until Jan 1st, sure I'll be in trouble, but Feasting for the big day and the day after? then feasting on Christmas day have never caused me problems.  It's being cautious about the rest of the time that's hard. :) 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

230 Body reaction

LONG day yesterday.  I took the Ford to the doctor--I think it's a starter problem, and I just pray the problem is cheap. It was a good decision because I needed to exercise and the walk home from the mechanics was just the thing. Then I called my drug addict sister to see if I could take her out to dinner. Then planned and did the Thanksgiving shopping.  Oh my. The house is full of butter and sugar and chocolate, but not really anything to eat. Thanksgiving is fun. Then I went to SLC to take my sister out--she called just as I was leaving and said she was too sick to go. Very well might have been true. I went down anyway to talk to my other sister.  As it turned out it saved both money and calories. ZERO appetite. It was good to talk to Lisa and her roommate Kristin--who is one of the most tremendous people I've ever known.  For the moment there doesn't seem to be a great deal we can do for my nephew, but there might be some very good things we can do overall. It was a good conversation, and I'm coward enough to be very relieved that we don't have to drag my nephew kicking and screaming out of the house just before the holidays. 

I've been a little more aware of how my body and mind process emotional trauma. For one thing, my mind can't/won't absorb it all at once. I felt a literal ache in my heart. Also, I'm escaping into happy things in the form of the Anne of Green Gables series--haven't read them in years and they're just the anecdote now.  I didn't want dinner, and when I got home even though it was 11:30, I needed time to decompress. I put on my all time favorite movie--the six volume Pride and Prejudice (again pure escapism) and wrapped a few presents. Actually went to bed about 1:00 a.m. Woke up at 7:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I'm a real 8-9 hour person normally. I picked up the house, wrapped presents and forgot to call someone for church. I haven't been particularly sad---my mind is replaying certain parts of last night, but there is not a great deal of emotion attached. I think I'm a little bit numb. I appreciated church although most of it seemed to be bouncing off of me. But I read the 23rd psalm last night and again at sacrament and I am amazed at how literally true it is. I was tired, but I did not sleep in church (an unfortunate problem I sometimes have). After church I drove to the airport to pick up Dave. GOOD to have him back. We had dinner and now it's almost 9 and I am truly tired. I'm going to bed early and am sure I'll be in better spirits tomorrow.  Food-wise is interesting too--I want sugar and chocolate--but not unreasonable amounts of it. On the contrary--I wanted the things I've been used to eating the last 230 days.  THAT signifies some real food changes I think.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

229 Visual

Saw the new Twilight movie--quite fun!  Learned a couple of things too. The first was a big DUH! moment.  I am an EXTREMELY visual person, and am strongly motivated by beauty.  I was watching the wedding scene (I've always had a weakness for bridal gowns) and felt a jolt of motivation. I assume because there are thin people all around me that I should be motivated enough by that, but usually no--because while clothes are often nice, they don't usually stop me in my tracks and when they do, I can't exactly stare like I would at a sunset or a movie screen.  I need to stare! I will make a point of finding pictures that motivate me from here on out.

Second--I'll never order the large shake at the movies again. Happily, it was a waste of money. I treated myself to dinner at the Sonora Grill a very nice Mexican restaurant which came with chips, so I didn't feel as though I wanted movie popcorn too, but I did want dessert. I ordered a large grasshopper shake with reeses cups. Ugh. I barely ate the top off the shake--love reeses cups, but there were so many in the shake (YUM!) that I bet it would have been like eating 6 candy bars. As it was, the part I did eat, was still too much, but I'm happy that at least I didn't feel like eating the whole thing.

I'm not looking forward to today. I need to do the major grocery shopping. But the thing I dread is to go to SLC and discuss with Lisa what needs to happen to best support my nephew. I'm sure I won't want to do what needs to be done, but I am determined to do what's right. This would be made a great deal easier if I were sure if what I think is right really IS right.

Friday, November 18, 2011

228 treading water--or something

I ought to rename this blog something like "treading water" or "stalled again."  Basically, I'm just maintaining with no real desire to push forward other than I'd really like this weight to be gone!! Today I'm having lunch with the math dept, then probably a movie. Even a small movie popcorn has a lot of points, but I don't think this movie is worth the full out food orgy that the Harry Potter movie was worth.  Exercise a little in short supply too. I wasn't done with my day until 9:00 p.m. yesterday, so all I did was some very gentle wii.  Today, I could have chosen to walk to work, but I didn't because I want to drive over and get movie tickets and then do a little Christmas shopping. Keep at it (sort of), keep at it (sort of) is the mantra here.  And remind myself that it's ok. If I arrive at Jan 1st at this weight, it will be disappointing, but still it's 20 pounds gone this year. Maybe next year will be another 20 pounds and I'll be almost at goal!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

227 long day

Strangely don't feel nearly as badly about family as I did about Riley's baptism in Sept. I think it's because I'm in control--more or less. I only have to make decisions and others can act however they want. Whereas with the baptism, it was too important to me that people that I couldn't control behaived in a certain way. Anyway, I'm grateful for the absence of depressed feelings today. Although today will be a LONG day.  I got up early to take Dave to the airport, then to work, then a stats test right after--those always take at least 2 1/2 hours and then harp lesson right after that. I won't be done till 8 or 9 tonight.  Too long. But some bright spots are that today is the bookclub lunch--maybe that shouldn't qualify as a bright spot since it means eating off track, but it IS nice to have a break today.  Also, I've learned from previous experience not to take a test hungry, so I have some nuts and deli meat. Actually, this weekend is proving hard to manage--I might go to the movies tomorrow, and I hope to be taking Christine out to dinner, and I'll be doing the grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. Overscheduling is always an issue. This weekend is my choice though--I only HAVE to do the shopping, pick up Dave from the airport on Sunday, and take Christine out. I WANT to do a bunch of Christimas shopping. Anyway---I continue to mantain what for me is a low weight, but it's frustrating, because I want to lose---I just don't want to work for it.  I'm also still fantasizing about Cheesecake Factory Buffalo bites, but it would be awfully expensive to take Christine there--not to mention setting a horrible example and blowing my eating plan all at the same time.  Just no end to the bad choices a person can make, :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

226 Dark

Difficult situations with my family. Very ugly, very scary.  I hate HATE conflict and I'm being forced into decisions that are guaranteed to cause a lot of grief. --That makes it sound as though I'm the victim. No, I can act as I please. I just can't act as I please and still face myself in the mirror in the morning. I will do what I must.  I'm reminded of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies--when he says, "I wish this thing had never come to me," and Gandalf replies-"so do all who live to see such times."  It's a comforting thought. I'm far from alone in having to face things I don't want to face. A scripture is also very much with me just now, "I will go before your face, I will be on your right hand and on your left and mine angels round about you to bear you up."

I'm so thankful that this scripture applies to me even though my role is a comparitively small one. It's Lisa who will bear the brunt of the current catastrophe. She is a person of rare courage.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

225 Chili

A very good day yesterday and I anticipate a very good day today too. I subscribe to "Cooking Light" magazine and they have terrific food. I have to be a little careful because sometimes the receipes are just "lighter" not actually light, but most of the time it's great stuff.  I made a big pot of sweet potato and black bean chili and had a good size bowl with some wasa crisps and laughing cow cheese.  I only had to count the cheese. This left me enough points to have a reeses cup for dessert.  I brought the same again for lunch today, and tonight I'll have mac and cheese with salad. The filling foods plan is a nice vacation from counting every morsel. (I only have to account for 7 extra points a day if I want them--this lets me have butter on my toast, or a dessert).  I wouldn't want to do it forever-I'd be bored silly, but for now it feels great. 

I think I might pass after all on my cheesecake factory orgy. This isn't due to virtue, but because I'm tired of driving to SLC or Provo all the time. Instead, I might take myself to see the new Twilight movie on Friday and have dinner somewhere around here. At the moment--probably because I'm full--I don't feel compelled to feast.  We'll see how it goes.

Exercise-wise, I'm a little worried. I've been ok walking to and from work, but my knees still aren't very happy with me. Now I'm paranoid that my left knee is going to blow out. They both feel equally rickety and I'm not sure what to do about it. Probably just keep icing and maybe wear the brace more than I do. That half marathon isn't that far behind me--I guess this will just take time. As always, far MORE time than I think it should.

Monday, November 14, 2011

224--no bread subs

Hmmph. WW as usual manages to rub me the wrong way.  Although, today I admit, it's only because they are telling me what I don't want to hear, which is not a flaw on their part.  But being clueless IS a flaw. I called to ask about the bread on the filling foods plan (you eat anything from a list and don't need to track points).  As I mentioned yesterday, the bread they call ok is generally gross--I called to ask if substitutions were ok so long as the substitute was healthier than what they recommend?  First lady had NO IDEA the filling food plan even existed--but to her credit she passed me on to a leader and the leader did know all about it. She said she had even looked this up last week and NO--there are no substitutions, she didn't know why but NO. WHY don't the leaders know?  Bread is a huge issue for lots of dieters. I'd love to know the reasoning/science behind the program. Why is a 120 calorie white bread hamburger bun ok, but a slice of whole wheat bread is not? 

I suppose I can always tamper with the program on my own and see if I lose weight or not. If I lose--good. I think though that if I AM messing with the program that I'd better be very careful about anything not on the list. Let's see--what am I likely to want?  Whole wheat tortillas---I usually only eat one when I count points--how about a compromise?  One is ok on filling foods, but more than one I will count? I also like to make italian hard rolls--these are fat free, but made from white flour. I like to eat two or three of these. Same deal? One ok--more than that count at the 3 points a piece that they are? The other thing would be homemade whole wheat bread--I actually don't make this a lot, I just want it now because I'm annoyed at ww. I'll have to choose the right reciepe obviously bread made with honey and shortening is a problem, but I have some very good fat-free reciepes too.  I wonder if the ww problem is just that they can't very well say it's ok to substitute because people will go bananas and rationalize all sorts of things and ww can't control homemade recipies? I hope that's the case. I did talk to Mike, the health nut in the office, and he thinks as long as the substitution is equivalent there is no reason why I shouldn't.

I'm thinking the real danger is that whereas I would never eat 5 hamburger buns. I could very easily eat half a loaf of fresh homemade bread and I'm sure doing either one would derail weight loss darn it.  I think I've made up my mind. For me, ONE serving of a sub is ok, more than one I will count for points. Hopefully that will keep me happy (or at least happier) and still allow me to drop.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


Gorgeous fall day. I've decided to go on the WW core plan for at least this week. Obviously, I'm not wanting to limit portions on anything just now.  I think I'm just plain bored. Of course the core plan is boring too, but at least it's different for the immediate moment. I'll have to figure what to do about the bread though. the ww plan is weird---on the core plan I can have as much diet bread as I want but also regular cheapo white carb blech hamburger and hotdog buns?? But not whole wheat tortillas?  What's up with that? Maybe I'll try and ask a human about that tomorrow.  I'm sure they're trying to limit carbs---so I'm nervous about tampering with the program and saying things like, "since hamburger buns are ok, therefore these tortillas are ok too." Because it's too easy then to eat four or five tortillas, whereas I'd never eat four or five pieces of the diet bread--who would ever really want to eat any?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

222 uhhh ooops

As predicted the food at Disney on Ice was indeed outrageous. No problems there. I had a couple of handfuls of popcorn.  What WAS problematic were the shortbread cookies Mom made. This was my fault. I reminded her of these cookies--they come from a mix and she brought them to Thanksgiving dinner once. They are almost pure butter with a hershey's kiss in the middle.  I hate to think of the points on these. I think the day's total of these cookies was seven? Ummm.  Then Mom made homemade chicken soup. A great choice. With thin slices of garlic toast.  Not such a great choice. Four slices--maybe five?  Then there was the wedding reception I forgot about with a hot-chocolate bar.  At least I managed to save the peach cobbler (very cool wedding) for tomorrow. And Catherine made a sweet corn bread--small piece. The upshot is that blech---I'm sugared out.  On the positive side though my knees are finally well enough that I dared to do dance dance on the wii. Great workout both yesterday and today.

Friday, November 11, 2011

221 Fat behavior today

Oh well, skinny behavior yesterday, fat behavior today. Scale read 187--meh ok. The fat behavior I'm engaging in is that I want to be very careful counting points--but I'm going to start until Sunday.  Why not sooner?  Well.....tonight is pizza night! and tomorrow we're going to Disney on Ice. Actually, tomorrow might be pretty well on track--who can afford to buy food at something like Disney on Ice? So, I'm not planning on pigging out. The plan is to be on track--But to be very well and carefully on track starting Sunday. That friends, is fat behavior--starting tomorrow, making promises for the future rather than doing the right thing today.

I was reading a story on Calorie Count the other day--this woman was EXACTLY like me. Same age, about the same weight, PCOS, and arthritis. Like me, she battled the first 20 pounds, then she writes that she "quit making excuses" and the rest of the weight just melted off.  It's nice to read about someone who had an easier time at the end!  So why don't I do that?? Why don't I quit making excuses and quit rationalizing some new reason to eat the wrong things on almost a daily basis?  I don't entirely know--two things---I'm simply not quite ready to give up. I can go to the store and see something I want and not buy it and that's ok. But to want FOOD and not eat it----that is NOT ok. Everything yells that I'm missing out! I've forever lost my chance to enjoy whatever it is, and I'm being massively and unfairly deprived!! 

The other reason (excuse?) I don't fight those feelings as much as I could is just plain fear. I do NOT want to fight that battle---get all the way down to goal weight only to discover that the battle has exhausted me and that I can't maintain the effort. The consequence then would be that I'd regain all the weight.  I am just plain afraid of that.

So--I'm trying to maintain a sort of uncomfortable balance. Rather than to fight, to try to change. This makes it hard to tell if I'm being smart, or just rationalizing bad behavior. I suspect it's a good mix of both most of the time. But it's ok to stretch myself and a good bout of careful counting will not hurt me (especially when I fully plan to go to the cheesecake factory next week).  Darn it.  I am simply determined that I am going to both lose weight AND eat whatever I want at the cheesecake factory when I want to.  Wish me luck with that one!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

220 Almost skinny behavior

I can NOT believe how busy I've been. Why haven't things eased up since Catherine's gone to college? Anyway, counting down the days till my stats course is finished. And speaking of stats---I had to get some help from my professor and the only time I could possibly get away was on my lunch 1/2 hour. I really don't like doing that because I like my lunch. But I was equally busy yesterday and so I did what I maintain is actually a skinny thing to do! That is, I didn't worry much or think much about it! I just grabbed a few things that would be quick and easy to eat while I'm at the front desk--namely, a cup of soup, a bagel and two fig newtons--and a few olives as an afterthought. I often see naturally thin people just grab something fast like a granola bar or a yogurt and call it lunch. Clearly this is not something one would want to do all the time, but the concept of other things besides food dominating your life is a good one. Food is great, but I don't want to be so chained to it that I freak out if I don't have a terrific lunch--or even----gasp! SKIP lunch altogther!  I'm not advocating meal skipping--I just want to get to the point where I treat food the same way I treat a sunny day---love it and enjoy it while it's there--not worry overmuch if it's a rainy day.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I continue to be both reasonably on-track, but also sloppy about counting.  I actually missed counting yesterday. It was a long day with a Relief Society meeting at the end of it. When I came home I wanted a gingerbread cookie and one of those 2 pt Halloween chocolates and a glass of milk. Was this within range? Maybe? It annoyed me that I didn't know.  Today I will track and I will know and that makes me feel better. I especially love it when I make plans that include things like snickers bars or sleeves of almonds or cookies.

 I want to get on my soapbox again about issues diet plans never seem to deal with.  I was talking to a friend yesterday who is super overweight. She's perceptive enough to realize that one of the big reasons she's overweight hasn't gone away so it's unlikely that she will lose weight. Another reason is that when she has lost weight in the past her skin gets all loose and saggy everywhere and she's actually grossed out by this. She feels she actually looks better fat than thin--and she's probably right! She'd have a hard time affording surgery. I wish weight loss companies would talk more about the BENEFITS of being overweight. How can a person possibly lose weight if they aren't dealing with the things they are giving up? I haven't even heard the obvious ones--food and exercise dealt with very well.  One of the prime benefits of being overweight for me is the food.  The food is FANTASTIC. Yes, I know a turkey sandwich is better for me than a blue cheese bacon burger. I need more help than the industry offers in wanting the sandwich. Come on WW---I can't turn off the brain that is calling for the burger---news flash---I don't WANT the turkey sandwich.  Anyway, same with exercise--in the short term it feels much better to sleep in than to get up and exercise. Saggy skin is not socially acceptable. Losing weight can upset the comfort of a marriage. And what about clothes? This is a minor one, but it IS a small obsticle.  Yes, it's great to buy new and smaller clothing, but what if you don't have a lot of money? What if you're my friend Jennifer who has invested a great deal of money into great clothes that won't fit anymore? Last weekend I realized that my all time favorite sweatshirt is not wearable anymore--it's waay too big and I look like a homeless refugee. Part of me is cheering--but the other part is just as real and it is sad to see that sweatshirt go.  Sometimes it's nice to be fat and invisible--people pay more attention to beautiful people thus opening up a whole pandora's box of new ways to make mistakes. 

So---issues big and small.  Of COURSE being at a healthy weight outweighs the drawbacks. I think most overweight people know this and even accept it in their heads. It's the heart that needs a little help.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

218 Small Mom

Good day yesterday until the very end. I walked to and from work--this is a good workout especially in the mornings because I always leave late and so have to walk as fast as I can.  Both my legs feel unusually tight though. I'll have to break down and actually do some stretching.  It was a long day. After work we took the green car down to SLC--with Catherine at BYU and my parents getting older, I am seeing a whole lot more of the freeway than I care too!  These cars have been a royal pain. I won't go into detail here. Basically we had three cars and only need two.  I just hope we got rid of the right one! All three have suddenly decided to have issues. I have romatic feelings about the days of horses--at least when they get old they reproduce!  Anyway, we took the car to Mom's. She's looking awfully small and thin. And I'm sure she wasn't always that short.  I'll be thankful when the chemo is over for her. On the whole she's been tolerating it well, but these last few rounds have been hard on her, and she was complaining that she can't get warm. It's just hard to see her that way. This is my indestructible German Mom!!  But she's cooking--and that's a good sign. Unfortunately what she had cooked was a streusel-topped pumpkin cake. Oh YUM. The topping involved nuts, sugar and heavy cream. I really couldn't get out of having one small piece (not that I wanted to get out of it). But it's the second small piece that I'm feeling a little guilty about. It's a miracle I didn't weigh 300 lbs in high school. I grew up on stuff like this. It was considered legitimate breakfast food! No wonder I was always hungry--very few fruits and veggies and I must have always been crashing from sugar highs. This also explains why "normal" food is so unsatisfying. I think my mind demands a certain (large) amount of fat, carbs and sugar before I feel as though I've eaten anything at all. Far from feeling sluggish and weighed down, I feel GREAT after a typical German meal of bread, butter, wurst, cheese and dessert. My only problem is that I don't have a farm to go to to work it off. Oh well, things are slowly changing. I read somewhere that "you crave what you know." Very true. I can honestly say that now my German meal would seem incomplete to me without a fruit or veggie to go with it.

 On the bright side last night, even though both me and Dave were tired and stressed and hungry--we didn't bolt to the nearest fat-laden restaraunt. We went home and had soup and sandwiches and then went to SLC.

Monday, November 7, 2011


A happy day today. 186!!! A new record low! I feel like bursting into song and singing 'myyyyy waaaaaay.' All I can say is that the mind is a treacherous thing sometimes, and life really is based on the way you look at things. Last week I was ready to quit--191--only two pounds down from last summer and completely unmotivated.  This week 186 which is almost 10 pounds from where I was last summer. So today I feel as though all things weight loss are possible and am remembering with gratitude and relief all the mountains of off-track food I've eaten since April. I've loved eating in Aruba, and at the movies, and at Olive Garden and Zuppas. I love that when I work as hard as I can on weight watchers (which admittedly, even on the most rigid days isn't all that horrible), I can look forward to a real Thanksgiving weekend on MY terms. That means cooking all day Wednesday--without worrying about every taste. Eating freely and without guilt on Thursday. Having leftovers on Friday, and then maybe thinking about moderation again on Saturday when I'm sick of turkey anyway (a shame, the turkey is the one thing that wouldn't be bad for me to keep having). 

It's a good feeling---all my life I've been trying to eat anything I've wanted and still lose weight. It's one of the wishes if I ever come across the magic lamp--and I almost have it! If I'm content to move slowly then my food life looks pretty darn good! Even on a day like today when I'm on track, I've settled into many meals that feel normal and plentiful and rich and it doesn't seem too hard.  For example, today for breakfast I had a cherry pop-tart, a PB 2 banana, milk, juice and hot chocolate with whipped cream (9 points). For lunch I'll have the last chicken corden bleu roll----it's BIG, and corn and 2 wasa crisps with butter (about 11 points). I'll be snacking on a new discovery--- roasted edamame--yummy!  Dinner will either be the turnip soup I've been trying to get around to fixing for the last two weeks, with crusty bread. Or, if we go to SLC to take the green car to Mom's, Subways.  Liveable. There will probably be some chocolate in there too.

Oh! The last happy thing. After the fast when I finally got my hands on the fajitas yesterday---I was  finished with only 1!! Weird!!  But I was really done physically and psychologically. I was slowing down about 2/3 through and finishing it was a bit of an effort. Granted, I'd eaten some chips and cheese while I was preparing, and I also had a little rice and refried beans, but still---I usually eat all that anyway and then at least 2 full fajitas plus extras and still feel as though I could eat more.  A promising sign!! Someday what I want and what I should have will match!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

216 Another Fast Sunday

We always seem to have fajitas on fast Sunday. Actually, it's a really good choice. Today I'm feeling slim and successful.  I did great yesterday. Dave wanted to get some exercise so we walked to an auto parts store 2 miles away. After that, Catherine wanted to do some shopping at Big Lots and some other stores near our house--add in another mile or two or three plus a lot of standing. I was rewarded with some very cute Halloween decorations for next year.  Catherine made her famous chicken cordon bleu for dinner--a surprisingly healthy choice.  And I experimented with tiny apple pies. I bought tiny little tart pans a while ago with an eye toward thanksgiving. This has nothing to do with weight loss. Every year we (meaning me and my mother) make a TON of pies for Thanksgiving, even though there are only 9 or 10 people to eat it all.  The reason is variety! I don't know how other families do it. To my mind an apple and an pumpkin pie are absolutely mandatory, but I also want a lemon merengue, a pecan, a carmel apple, a cheescake, something chocolate, maybe a key lime.. and this is when one can experiment with all those wonderful receipes from cookbooks.  Every year we throw away mountains of pie. ANYWAY--this year I'm making half recepies of pies and making little bite size tarts out of them so I can try every kind. Yesterday's apple pie was an experiment to see if this was even possible--ie: can I get the pies out of the tart pans? YES! Pies are a go!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

215 Happy Irrational

Catherine is home for the weekend. It makes it feel like a holiday.  I did very well yesterday. Was moving some boxes around at work so I got a little exercise there too as well as walking to and from work.  I had lots of points left for dinner so I didn't feel too guilty about the pizza and cookies. I actually wanted to do one thing right (as opposed to making myself do something right)--I wanted garlic toast but we hadn't bought any, but just eating pizza and veggie tray stuff didn't sound filling so I made some fake garlic toast with 2 slices of diet bread with I can't believe it's not butter and garlic salt--a three point option.  The good thing was that the toast was a FAR FAR FAR better choice than having another slice or two of pizza--and this choice was NOT about trying to be good. This was a choice about wanting a satisfying pizza dinner.  Anyway the irrational part was this morning--I slept in and went to the bathroom and saw the scale. A little voice in my head said, "Maybe I'll weigh 186!" To which the another part answered--"you had pizza and cookies last night. What do you think you weigh?" "186,!" the real fundamental me answers.   Reality? 187. Which is totally fine--even something of a relief, but silly. Weighing daily is stupid--it doesn't mean anything.

Friday, November 4, 2011

214 Weekend at last

YAY!! Back to 187 and no food catastrophes on the immediate horizon--at least for the next week or so. Might I see 185 before I allow myself to be knocked off course again?  Maybe!! Yesterday was very close to my plan--I always forget I have to work till 5:30 on Thursdays this semester, so I allowed myself to be given a ride home. But I did fix turkey burgers (eaten waaaaay too late) and spent a good three hours with the holiday decorations so I'm feeling pretty good.  Happily, I feel more ready to cope with tracking points again--the weight drop helps. So does feeling better physically. The past six weeks have just been hard physically, but I should soon be able to go to the gym again for strength training.  Next semester I'm not taking a class--I'm going to work on my book instead. Also that opens me up to take "wellness" time on the job, so I'm hoping to be able to do my strength training on work time---uh oh----unless I join the Students in Motion group again for the May 1/2 marathon. I loved that group last year, but that would take up all the wellness time.  Oh well, good to go either way I guess.

Today, I'm just happy that it's Friday. The last two weekends have been fun, but tiring. Catherine is coming down for the weekend, but she's making her own way down so we'll only have to take her up on Sunday.  I'm much too excited about sleeping in tomorrow and Sunday.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

213 Zuppas and no stats!

Yesterday was INSANE. I had my big test on Tues and I feel like I spent all day yesterday trying to grind out this miserable lab assignment only to follow it up with actually going to the lab. Dave picked up my dying carcas and we staggered to Zupas--a great sandwich and soup place.  For me, exhaustion is harder to deal with than hunger--if I'm over hungry there is a ghost of a chance that I might still be moderate--but once I get to that level of tired--I am finished.  To my credit, Subways was first choice, but Zupas is terrific, and I didn't put up a fuss. I had a terrific Swiss Cheese and onion soup and a sandwich, I don't feel as though I overate, but it was probably over point. But the assignment is DONE and other than the class I went to today, I'm declaring today statistics free.  It feels great. I walked to work and will walk home too. I had an on track breakfast, and plotted the day on ww--realized that if I want chocolate I shouldn't have as many pop-chips for lunch so I won't.  I'm going to go home after work on a gorgeous fall day, fix turkey burgers and oven fries, put away Halloween decorations, hopefully put out the Thanksgiving and just enjoy life.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

212 Coming Back

Well, yesterday didn't go as planned, but it was a good on-track day just the same. I had a big stats test right after work. The original plan was to eat dinner before the test, but when the time came I wasn't very hungry and I really wanted to get the test overwith so that's what I did.  Dinner at home was very close to what I had planned here--"dinner in a pumpkin" as opposed to wylies goulash. The pumpkin dinner had beef instead of turkey, but I also didn't have the crackers and cheeseball to go with it so I figure it evened out.  The thing that didn't happen was exercise. It was too cold and dark to walk home and I was simply too beat to do it---ok, truth is I got derailed by Dave's Star Trek episode, and then I really wanted to practice the harp since I've missed a few days.  So that's what I did---a great harp practice, which I wish happened more often than it does.

Today I hope will be better still.  Despite the cold I walked to work (thighs are unhappy--not as recovered as I thought).  And I'm planning a good on track day complete with chocolate. The big test is behind me, and I think the worst of the semester is over. 

I don't know if I'll make the Hawaii goal, but I feel reasonably confident that I can at least make some progress. One thing I noticed on the marathon that I didn't like AT ALL about myself is the way I never quite seemed to make the goal I set. We did a lot of short jogging spurts. I'd say something like;"lets run to that bench or tree" and then inevitably, I'd jog most of the way and then slow down and start walking the last little bit. Why did I do that? And why am I doing it now? Why am I stopping/slowing down when the goals get close? I can at least work on the jogging part. Next time I'm out for a walk I want to start jogging little bits in hopes of someday being able to qualify for the Disneyland half marathon. I'll make sure the targets I set--the tree, the bench are really close so that there is no question but that I can jog all the way to the target. Weight-loss goals are trickier because I can't control the scale only what I'll do, but now that I'm a little more aware I can make a point to press on more firmly before a big weigh day instead of relaxing just before I get there.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

211 Cheeseball!

Ok--almost finished with my snit.  This has been a bad de-railment. It's funny, that I can't tell what my own reactions are going to be.  I often get mad and frustrated about weight loss. Sometimes I can take it instride, sometimes I have a brief lapse, and sometimes, like this time--it's a very close shave to quitting altogether.  Probably one element this time is that I have been working on my relationship with my sister. It's been very positive and I'm so thankful she's been responsive, but it has also been emotionally draining--and since my resources for dealing with powerful emotions without food are not fully developed, perhaps it's not surprising that my motivation has gone out the window. But writing that out makes me feel a whole lot better!! Perhaps there really was a legitimate reason behind my food behaviors--it's not just that I'm a hopeless case doomed forever to be fat. Maybe it's more like having the flu.

In any case. I ate what I wanted yesterday--nice buffet at work (overindulged of course, but did make a point of eating my veggies). My big weakness is crakers and cheeseball.  (I also love salsa, and it occurs to me now that I can eat some salsa with veggies for free!) I also ate 4 pieces of pizza--a mistake on all fronts because I was full after 3.  It's funny how "impossible" it seems to be able to calculate points for anything when I'm off track. Even the healthy chili I brought myself came out really thick so I don't know the points.  Also exercise seems extra difficult. My legs feel almost normal again today and I had good intentions of walking to work, but it was raining and dark so I didn't.  Big deal! I usually walk in all but the very worst weather!

But today I think the food "flu" is beginning to pass off. I got on the WW site and tracked. True, I dont know how much the chili is worth, but I can guess pretty darn well! I brought my points calculator to work and worked out the points for the left over crackers and cheeseball.  LOVE cheeseballs. I'm blowing a full 10 points today on crackers and cheeseball.  I also have pumpkin seeds, and a reeses pumpkin.  Depending on how long my test takes after work I'll either walk home or ride the bike when I get there.  I very much like that I know that I can eat chili and crackers and cheeseball and chocolate for both lunch and dinner and know that I'm not going to pay a price on the scale.  I'm being gentle--I suppose in theory I should drop to 29 pts since I've been overeating all weekend, but I'm not. I'm starting from today at 36 a day (the 49 pts divided up over the week) and calling it good enough. I hope it will be. I'm still wanting to break 180 before Hawaii, but this feels right to me today.