Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.



The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!







Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Yes, well....

Ok, yesterday was pretty much a wash, but the important thing is that now I know that a 4 oz scoop of Baskin Robbins Love Potion 31 is 260 calories. That's a pretty large scoop too. I don't think I'd mind cutting that in half most days.


Today I'm back on the wagon. I'm not quite sure what to do with days where I'm not hungry for breakfast. On the one hand I never ate breakfast in high school and, like most people, I was a whole lot thinner.  Also the eat to live program which makes a lot of sense to me, really pushes the idea of eating when you're hungry and not eating when you're not. Also, I find that once I start eating it opens the flood gates. I've never noticed that eating breakfast causes me to eat less during the day. On the contrary--I like to start eating and just keep on going.  Huh. I think I've just convinced myself to go ahead and not eat if I'm not hungry. Words to the contrary would be that if you go too long without eating your metabolism slows down. But if I'm not eating because I'm still full--doesn't that mean that my body still has plenty of food? Or, which often happens, I'm simply not awake enough. Isn't it kinder to let my stomach wake up on its own schedule? I think so.


One problem solved. Maybe not correctly, but solved.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

too much but no stomach stapling

I think I was within calories last night because I wasn't hungry for breakfast. Still, I ate past fullness and enjoyed it.


Then I talked to a friend and found out that she is having her stomach stapled this Friday. Ugh! She's not that heavy, but has bad knees and other health problems. I NEVER want to do that. I have real problems with how drastic that is. And it sounds so miserable--just a few ounces of this or that. It's oddly motivating to stick to my plan--no matter how faulty.


It doesn't look as though I'm motivated today. It's potluck, and I enjoyed it. Tonight we're going to the temple and that is a problem as well as we'll need to get dinner somewhere--probably kneaders. I'll try not to go crazy. There's no reason that tomorrow and Friday shouldn't be good days.


At least I'm going out of my way to walk some laps around the duck pond. I FINALLY got half way through the Tortoise Creep race.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Sick Friday weird week ahead

Well, I lost two more pounds by virtue of being super sick on Friday. Friday was my cheat meal. We went to a Thai restaurant where I was disappointed that I wasted my cheat meal on a super mediocre noodle dish. BUT! I cheered myself up that movie popcorn and chocolate was coming. The movie I wanted to see wasn't at the theater where I thought it would be, so we just bought the popcorn and went home to watch the Crown. The first episode was great as I ate popcorn and dark chocolate almonds. And then I was done. And then I felt a little stomach achy and then worse and worse and worse until I started throwing up.


I'd like to think I'd learn something about eating vast amounts of terrible food too quickly, but I'm sure I won't. After just one day movie popcorn sounded fine again. I made sure to step on the scale the next morning and it showed 2 pounds less---a weight I haven't seen since last year when I was going through the Bod-E Talk program. Naturally, it went back up the second I drank anything, but it was nice to know that it is at least technically possible for the scale to show those numbers.


This week is shaping up to be a challenging one. I have one cheat meal per week, but I need three.
Tomorrow is a work potluck--love those! and on Saturday morning we're going to paint pottery with friends and will probably go to breakfast or lunch---I suppose I can skip going out to food, but in the evening, Dave and I are going to see a play, Pride and Prejudice--my favorite! And I want to finally use our Olive Garden gift certificate and make a really romantic evening of it. I do NOT wish to restrain myself in anyway at Olive Garden. Except just maaaaaybeee I can remember  what overeating felt like last Friday, and try to avoid ruining the play by feeling horrible---but I doubt it.


I really think Friday was a one off. Generally, I have no problem eating like a linebacker. Which brings up an interesting question--do I really want that to change? I love eating huge meals. I suppose it might be wonderful to love eating smaller meals. That IS what I'm aiming for right? Sorta. Funny how addictions work. I'm thinking of my blog friend Sean, who was 500 pounds and used to go to buffets with the idea of destroying them. I've never felt the need to do that--but I wonder if he ever missed it? I think so---he did regain about 160 pounds before he turned himself around again.  It's a whole adjustment of what feelings of bounty and plenty and richness mean to me. It's hard to feel rich about less---but it's only less food. I can still feel rich (I think) when I have skinny jeans, good health, self-confidence and STILL have a chocolate chip cookie.


Other thoughts---this is hard, but this phase is temporary--it's the wearing of the cast so to speak. AND it's a little harder just now because I'm trying to play catch up. Normally, it will just be three pounds a month which gives me a little more wiggle room.


I'm definitely going to enjoy my potluck tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

November Goal!

Wooot!!!  Hit the November goal this morning (an even 200)! This still puts me exactly where I was at this time last year, but from here on out it will feel more exciting. Even though I know that today's weight is a temporary flux down from yesterday's fast---still it breaks relatively new ground. I've learned that if I see a weight on the scale--either high or low, it's easier to see that weight again.


Yesterday was much easier than I expected. I had to teach a class during the party and there was a meeting right after so nobody noticed that I wasn't there so nobody tempted me by asking if I'd had any. I closed the fast around 5, had a small snack and got Dad. He wanted to go to a Dylan's--a burger place. Poor Dad--it's hard to eat without teeth and burger places are terrible choices. I've offered to take him to a dentist, but he doesn't seem interested.  The best I can say for myself is that at least I didn't order the shake as well. Also helpful, the small tater tots were skimpy. But the salad bar came with really good dense blue cheese dressing. At home I had 1 cookie and a very small piece of brownie.


Today, annoyingly I also have to fast, but not for as long. I have to have my blood lipids tested to keep wellness time here. So the food day looks like this:

Snack after blood work: about 200 cal--whatever granola bar or nuts they have
Walk around track
Lunch: Lamb meatballs, tziki sauce, lots of tomatoes and onions, baguette .
Dinner/snack--during class break.  baguette, 1 oz cheese, baby carrots, s'more yogurt flip.

All this comes in at around 1200. If I'm hungry I'll have something more when I get home--well, almost certainly one of those caramel cookies, but if I'm smart a banana with a little peanut butter would be a smart choice.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

One solution...

Today was going to present two problems--an office pizza party and the possibility of taking Dad out to dinner--probably Chinese.  I made myself a big salad to help cope with the pizza and was going to look up calories for the Chinese. But poor Catherine has been sick for a long time (six years now) with a mysterious gastric issue. Being gluten-free helps but doesn't cure. She's decided to go the round of doctors again. They're prescribing all kinds of stuff to clear out her system, but it isn't helping. I suggested that Dave might give her a blessing on Saturday when we're in SLC. She did call, and asked if he could come down today? I am delighted that she asked!!! It occurred to me very belatedly as I was going to bed last night that I could help by fasting for her. Fasting is hard for me at any time, but especially once I've got my food planned out. On the other hand, given that it's Catherine and the magnitude of the problem, it's a trivial enough sacrifice.

Helpful, too is that I've got an appointment and a class to teach during the duration of the pizza party, so it will be easier to skip.

More importantly, fasting and prayer moves mountains. It's moved my family (literally) which was much more difficult than any physical mountain. For God to cure Catherine should be easy.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Emotionally satisfying but

An interesting day. One odd problem with calorie counting is that when I don't need as many calories as I'm allotted, I find it impossible not to eat it all. Whereas if I'm not counting I will occasionally leave the table. Unfortunately, it's not usually a problem--the trouble is usually that I want about triple what I'm allotted.

Today's breakfast and lunch were lovely, emotionally satisfying meals. Breakfast was one of my favorites, 2 eggo waffles with nutella a chopped banana and whipped cream. Lunch was bacon wrapped pork riblets with mashed potatoes and peas. SOOOO  good both. Dinner was also good--spaghetti with sausage meatballs.

All within the calorie limit, but too much just the same. If my body says it's full, then I should honor that.

Tomorrow is problematic, but I have a plan.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

One more pound

YAY! down one more pound. Again the scale is stupid, but this time in my favor, so all's well. On friday, I did well as far as sticking to the plan. The weather was horrible when I left work and I was very glad I postponed Riley's visit. I went shopping and while there I did eat a quest bar--I realized that I wasn't going to have dinner till 7:30 or 8 and with lunch at noon that is just too long to go without food. The last thing I want to do is to bring my metabolism to a halt. I bought a few more quest bars and also oatmeal to take to work for difficult days.

Home at last I ate the two pieces of pizza and an apple as planned, but I think it was a mistake. I was ok after the first piece and I knew it. I ate the second one anyway. For dessert I made salted caramel crunch cookies. Those are fantastic! I'm glad I made them because they've allowed me to simplify all cookies from here on out. These cookies are loaded with caramel chunks, pecans and toffee pieces and they came out to 155 calories each.  I'm just going to call all cookies of that size 155 calories no matter what kind they are. It would be very unusual to find a cookie even richer, so I feel safe. I did the same thing with cheese a long time ago----it's 100 calories per ounce or 1/4 cup shredded.

Anyway, Saturday I was down the pound despite having eaten unnecessary pizza. It was a non-counting day and I think I did all-right. We went to a farmer's market and perhaps it was lucky, but they didn't have too much. We bought a dozen range-free eggs. I walked almost 3 miles, I did eat 2 1/2 cookies instead of three but on the whole it was well.

Today is actually working out as a non-counting day as well which was not my intent. I'm having my cheat meal tonight. Blue cheese bacon wrapped ribs and brownies for dessert. YUM! But I had my normal pancake breakfast which is about 400 calories and a very light lunch.  I'm excited to buy my next reward shirt.

Friday, January 19, 2018

The real goal is faaaaaaarrrr away

So I did fine yesterday. My body is reacting by settling in at the new "low"--meaning the goal I hit last week, but not budging below that which is annoying, but whatever.

What I mean by the goal being far away is that when I finished dinner last night (so yummy). I was just barely beginning to get full. There is no way left to myself that I would not have eaten more. A LOT more, and still considered myself as being conservative. And yet, an hour later I felt ok. And after having some diet hot chocolate and 4 chocolate almonds I really was fine.

I know all about the "it takes 20 minutes for the stomach to register that you're full" and I'm already the world's slowest eater, but stopping is still incredibly hard for me. I can't even imagine stopping naturally. Maybe the custom of having coffee after dinner is about helping people to stop eating. I don't drink coffee or tea. The hot chocolate is helping.

Anyway. Today's challenge is having my nephew up for the night. I've promised him pizza and that we would make his favorite treat. Here's the original plan--have about 700 calories for breakfast and lunch and 1000 calories of pizza.  I don't know what kind of pizza we're getting or what kind of a treat he will want. Here's what I can live with:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries
Lunch: a huge salad with chicken and 100 calories of cheese. Dang it! I forgot the Ken's light Italian Dressing. The lightest dressing package around here has 140 cal. Oh well. (I think the two meals will still total around 700 cal)
Dinner: 2 slices pizza, either one cookie or very small part of dessert, another salad or a fruit if I want to.

Possible change of plans!!
This weekend is just not working out as far as having my poor nephew over! There's a funeral tomorrow--we planned around that. There's going to be a gigantic snowstorm--ummmmm--we can take the train? Now my visiting teachee has had her appendix burst. I want to go to the hospital to see her tonight. I don't want to let my nephew down and it's super important that I don't, but this weekend is simply not working well.

Whether he comes or not though, I think I'll stick with the plan.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Limits--bleh

I'm doing great sticking to plan. But I've just got to say that while I don't mind (too much) counting calories, I don't like counting out the whole day at once. I had to do that yesterday because I had an evening class, and I did it today because I made a really good dinner (lamb/feta/olive meatballs with tziki sauce and I want a solid portion of it! That meant I had to figure out what that would cost me so I would know what I could eat the rest of the day. I usually pack my lunch, so that needs to be known then by default I know what I have to spend on breakfast.

When the whole day is planned then there is an actual red stop sign that says THERE IS NO MORE FOOD!!!  This is IT. That's all there is!! And if it doesn't happen to be enough then I will STARVE and am doomed to be unsatisfied and unhappy for the REST OF MY LIFE!!!

Irrational, I know. But emotions ARE irrational. That's why they're called emotions.  The reality is that I'm quite happy with my food today. I had cracklin oat bran and a banana for breakfast--cracklin oat bran is high cal, but I learned a long time ago that if I want something, I'm happier having a less of that thing than more of what I don't really want. I could also have had 4 mini bacon quiches---but I was full, so I'm saving those for a snack later---this also helps with the NO MORE FOOD feeling. Yes, there is. There are four quiches and I can have them anytime. (Plus, if I'm desperate, I can have a banana, oatmeal or soup and a quest bar)

A word on those quiches. Ironically, I eat MUCH better when I'm trying to lose weight. I don't mean healthier, I mean better and richer. Those quiches are bacon and cheese in phyllo dough. The lamb meatballs are terrific. When I'm just eating whatever, I'll often go for something quick and easy and meh. But if I have 500 calories for lunch--then that lunch is going to be gourmet much more often. Thank goodness for those who create healthy recipes. I like the older weight watchers cookbooks too that list the calories. WW has truly great food, it's just the portions that strike me as ridiculous. 200 calories of anything will not fill me up for lunch unless I'm sick. And I don't need to restrict myself to that extent. Nobody does!!  More ranting on Weight Watchers later I'm sure.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Suuuuuuugaaaaaaarrrrrrr

Still going strong. Still stupidly stepping on the scale. The rationale is that I want the earliest notification possible that I met my next goal. But to do that--I have to see all the days---many more than I think their should be, where the scale is stuck at a higher number. It's dumb. I know perfectly well that scales DO NOT reflect recent actions. Whatever.

Yesterday I hit a bit of a sugar wall. No physical reaction, but a solid addictive one. I wanted a giant brownie. Or maybe a huge piece of cheesecake. It helps that I'm planning to have the brownie on Sunday. It also helps to realize that my mind and body are separate. Just because my body wants it, does not mean that I need to have it. It can be tricky, because often if my body wants something healthy, that IS an indication that I need that food. But sugar? No. I'm not going sugar free, and there is still plenty of sugar in my diet. Nobody needs a big plateful of cookies or brownies. But boy, do I want them.

I've started re-reading my favorite blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com.  I'm reading from the beginning when Shaun weighed 500 pounds. The most helpful thing about it for me is that it helps with resentment against men and the supposed easier time they have with things, especially weight loss. Shaun actually lost 300 pounds by sticking to a 1500 calorie plan. PHEW!! Too little for me. AND he didn't do cheat meals either. He briefly gained back about 160 pounds, but has lost it again and is now a much healthier eater than I could ever imagine being. No sugar for Shaun, and he still tracks what he eats. He's amazing. And I love being able to see a male who has to work harder than I do. This probably isn't the inspiration he hoped to give to anyone, but it helps. It helps. 

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Okay but boredom looms

Yesterday did indeed go well. 1750 calories really is enough to keep me reasonably full, and having the food I like makes a big difference. However, that is not the addiction. The addiction is that I want what will make my MIND satisfied. Meaning one cookie was perfectly satisfactory physically, but NOT emotionally. This is an emotional problem. Often the emotion doesn't run any deeper than that I like cookies and enjoy eating them, so pass the plate please!

My history has been that I can do about anything for a short amount of time. But over the long haul? Not so much. This is true of everyone of course. What I'm hoping is to hang onto this until November despite the fog of boredom that is even now looming on the horizon. I HOPE that by then I'll have established a new "normal" of how much I need to be eating on a daily basis. The temptation obviously will be to just go crazy and put it all back--especially with the holidays. To combat this I will join my in the no gain games that are always going on at work. Not gaining over the holidays will be the goal. I'm going to have to be strict about weigh-ins and catch small gains early. I HOPE that the idea that I just need to maintain rather than lose will feel free enough that I can tolerate it emotionally.  Between now and then I'd better think up some strategies for what I'm going to do in case it isn't enough.


Monday, January 15, 2018

a good walk

Ok! Not too bad. Yesterday was the "don't count," but intuitive eating day. I did all right in the main. Wasn't hungry for breakfast, but Dave always makes pancakes and there was church to get through so ate a reasonable amount. Had a few almonds and a chocolate and stayed for choir then walked home--about 1,25 miles uphill. Realized that I wasn't hungry and so did not eat. Took a nice sunday nap then WAS hungry so had a snack. Dinner is where I always have the most difficulty. I had made meatloaf, which I love. I'm not sure I ate according to actual hunger, but I didn't have a crazy huge meal. The chocolate cookies afterward were a problem. Definitely ate too many, but I did put them away before I ate them all

Today should be a relatively easy day. We're home for Martin Luther King day and it's easy to count. It's also beautiful outside. We just finished a 3 mile walk. Next week will present some challenges on the weekend. But I have time to think through it.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

October goal

Yay!  Today the scale nudged downwards and I finally hit the goal that I should have hit at the end of October. This is why I gave myself plenty of wiggle room. I have to laugh/cry/bang my head against the wall--I was reading a few of the posts from 3 years ago. Today I am EXACTLY the same weight as I was then I think this means that I am moving ever so slowly in the right direction as far as changing habits because I'm not gaining weight as I'm getting older. I'm just not losing it either.

Still, I feel irrationally encouraged. It's only the 13th. That means I have two weeks to make a little progress toward my November goal. Just one or two pounds extra each month and I'll eventually catch up with myself.

Not that tonight will help (sort of). Tonight is my cheat meal--and it's a doozy. But I think psychologically, it's a good idea. I need to trust myself that I can and will do what I say I'm going to do. Yesterday, I was genuinely starving, so I ate a banana as I told myself I would. Today, I'll have the cheat meal and also buy myself a new shirt because I hit a weight loss target. It might be a lame target--but it's 100% better than going in the other direction.

Breakfast:
2 eggwhites and 1 egg with string cheese and jalapeno omlette.
2 oz bagette with I can't believe it's not butter
diet juice

Late Lunch: a weird one
large banana with 2 TBLS chunky peanut butter and 1 TBL mini choc chips
1 half of a mini beef stick
2 digestive biscuits (told you it was weird)

Dinner:
pastrami sandwich
jr's
movie popcorn (WITH butter--duh!)
small shake with oreos and other good stuff.

Exercise:
walked 2 slow miles (back is still recovering)
Not counted--putting away the rest of the Christmas decorations, and back stretches.

Friday, January 12, 2018

If you're not losing pounds you're losing inches

Feel considerably better today. The visit with Dad wasn't too bad. He looked okay. I'm looking forward to the three day weekend. The one thing I really like about calorie counting is that I can eat anything and feel good about it.  Friday night is usually pizza night for us. Tonight we're going to share a wiseguy calzone from the PIE pizzeria. This is one of our favorite things. I couldn't find the exact nutrition facts for that, but based on other calzones I'm guessing half of one (we always share anyway, they're huge) will be about 800 calories. Add a cabbage salad with 10 olives and dinner comes to about 900 calories. That's ok. I had cream of wheat with blueberries and a glass of milk for breakfast, for lunch a can of progresso tomato soup, and a few inches of a French baguette with light brie cheese. I don't have enough calories left to have dessert too, but that's ok. I want to wean off of having dessert(s) every day. Plus, tomorrow I'm having my cheat meal for the week. We're going to the movies to see The Post. I like eating at the theater. I'll probably have a sandwich with jr's (kind of a flat tater tot), popcorn and if that isn't splurging enough, a shake.

Exercise-wise, my back is better but still sore. I walked a slow mile and a half.  The race I'm doing is The Tortoise Creep--155 miles through Thailand. Creep is right! Between Christmas, foot problems and back problems, I'm only a third of the way through and I feel as though I've been doing this race forever. I want to get it done because I've got such great races coming up! Next payday, I'm going to buy the Extra-terrestrial race and "run" through area 51.

On yes.fit someone posted this very useful message from her doctor. "If you're losing inches you aren't losing pounds. If you're losing pounds you aren't losing inches".  No idea if that's true or not, but I'm taking it as gospel. I think it will help next time the stupid scale is stuck.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Weight flux

Was doing well heading for my October goal--all set to go buy myself a shirt, when my weight fluxed up on Sunday. Irritating but everything about weight loss is irritating. I tried again today and still not there. Apparently, it wasn't a flux upward but a real gain. Damn.

Oh well. I did fine yesterday. Today is a little hard because I don't especially like what I brought for lunch, but that's not the diet's fault. We just happened to have two weird soupy meals in the fridge that need eaten. What I've got is very heathy, and I can make something more appealing for dinner.

Probably what's really making me feel grumpy today is not the food, but Thursday is the day I visit Dad. That's always a stressor. My big fear is that he won't be able to stay at the Gardens. If that happens we're all up a creek, because there simply isn't the money to go anywhere else. The note from the doctor yesterday wasn't promising. He's got a rash and is even more incontinent than usual.
Sigh. It's not the incontinence that's the problem. It's the fact that he simply doesn't believe that he can/or just can't be bothered to clean himself up after an accident. I do think he's flirting with dementia, but he's always been that way. We know from sad experience that there is no bottom to which Dad will not sink. When he was on his own and his mind was working fine--exceptionally fine, his IQ is probably above 170, he was perfectly content to do his work in a pile of garbage with thousands of cockroaches running around. The Gardens does a good job cleaning up after him. Dave and I do the laundry, but he usually still smells terrible. The doctor is thinking the rash might be shingles. Maybe. Or maybe it's just as simple as bad diaper rash. Bottom-line, it's just plain difficult to go and see him. No wonder I'm depressed today.

Sorry to dump that out there, but hopefully dumping out here will mean less desire to dump food in my body. I want to say that this has never helped in the past, but who knows? Maybe it has. Basically, I have a 50-70 pound problem. I don't have a 200-300 pound problem. That means something's working, or at least is not as bad as it could be.

Breakfast--thin bagel with veggie cream cheese, chocolate almond milk, banana
Lunch--weird "Turkey Pot au Feu" a flavor point recipe, 2 digestive biscuits from England.
Snack: 100 cal popcorn
This gets me to 1000 calories
Dinner--probably a chicken breast with buffalo sauce and blue cheese crumbles. Maybe I'll "fry" (meaning with spray) a potato with onions, and some kind of veggie. I'll see where this gets me calorie wise and whether dessert is on the horizon.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Hello again

Hello again,

Years later and still the same problem. Have I learned anything? Probably not. But I did a crazy thing. I joined Healthy Wage last September and made a bet. I bet $50 a month until November 2018 (14 months total) that I would lose 36 pounds. If I win I get $1,700 that I will put toward a trip to England. If I lose--then I lose the $700.  As overall motivation it's not doing much, but it is motivating me enough to start a real effort today.  I lost three pounds in September which is on track--just three pounds every month will get me there with room to spare. I cheerfully derailed during the holidays (Basically Oct 1 thru Jan 1), but gained less than I deserve. That's a double edged sword. I feel that I gain less than I deserve, but I also lose less than I deserve. I should be grateful for my nice weight-stable body, but usually I'm just annoyed. I'm annoyed today. My feeling is that I can eat whatever I want and be this weight. OR I can sweat and starve and be this weight.

My brain knows that this is not true, but I have such a hard time believing it. ANYWAY--the Healthy wager does NOT get me to my dream weight, but only to a hopefully doable 171. Even I should be able to maintain that.

Here's the current plan which will be in effect until Nov 4 which is the last day I can win my wager.

Nov. 1 isn't forever away. As fast as time is flying by it will be Nov 4 tomorrow.  This plan is NOT for the rest of my life (I hope). It is to guide me to the plan that I DO want to follow for the rest of my life, which is intuitive eating. I just can't quite do that yet, and I'm telling myself that it's ok. If I had a goal to run a race but I had a broken leg, then I would need to wear a cast and use crutches. This plan is my crutch---uncomfortable, boring, itching and annoying, but necessary.

The exercise part is easy--or will be if I can get past these stupid injuries. I had a bout with plantar facitis (sp?) and now I've thrown out my back. Luckily, walking makes my back feel better. I joined Lady Fitness last summer. The workouts are too high impact for me and I was getting hurt, but I can and do use the treadmills and elipticals. I also want to use the weights more regularly so that I build muscle and prevent my metabolism from crashing to a standstill. I've also discovered  yes.fit.  These are virtual races that I can complete at my own time and at my own pace. I LOVE these. I've already walked 104 miles around the Ring of Kerry in Ireland, did the Headless Horseman race (about 22 miles), a turkey trot, and am now walking in virtual Thailand for the Tortoise creep (155 miles). The website sends me pictures of where I virtually am at almost every mile, and sometimes links to websites if I walk by something famous. At the end they send beautiful medals and also t-shirts if you order one. I make little booklets of all the races with all of the pictures they sent me. I love these as much as the medals. Also, our new house is right by some of the most beautiful walking trails on earth, so that's a lot of fun.

The food part is a drag, but I want to tough it out till November because I really want to go to England!! 1700 calories a day. Hopefully emphasizing fiber and protein, but not worrying too much if some days emphasize refined sugar and fat. One day a week (probably Sunday) I will not count calories, instead I will try to live how I really want to live as an intuitive eater. Bod E Talk is the best online program I've ever seen. It's intuitive eating with a ton of support. I joined last year and lost a little (got derailed by some incredibly high stressors). On this day I will do my best to eat when I'm hungry (and not until I am hungry), stop when I'm full and go to bed just a little bit hungry. I will also give myself one cheat meal every week so I don't go insane. If I ever feel like just being told what to eat I can do a Flavor Point day, or whatever quack diet strikes me at the time.

Rewards. When ever I hit one of my 3 pound goals--I'm working on October's goal now--I'm going to buy myself some kind of clothing. When I catch up to myself and hit the goal on the month I originally planned to hit it on, I'm taking myself to Hogle Zoo and buying myself something. I know the Zoo is a weird clothing goal to have, but every time I go, I love the shirts and sweaters but I never buy them because the prices are ridiculous.

There will be a couple of happy problems to overcome--a Disneyworld trip in Spring and a trip to Thailand in the summer. Hopefully, I will have lost a little before these events and will have some momentum. Intuitive eating will be the way to go during these times.

And really, the food is not too bad---I also have self given permission that if I'm ever super hungry, I can eat a banana, and/or a packet of oatmeal and/or a quest bar in that order.

I probably won't post food every day here---heck, I don't even know if I'll blog every day. But here's today.
Breakfast--a big bowl of oatmeal with 1/2 apple, pecans and raisins (flavor point reciepe)
lunch--brown rice, veggies with grilled Koran pork and a veggie egg roll
Dinner--during break in class--baguette with butter and really good cheese, 1/2 apple and almonds and m&ms.

All this adds up to about 1500 cal so I can have a cookie when I get home if I want.