Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

299 The little things

I think I am, with extreme reluctance, getting more used to watching out for the little things.  Last night's dinner is good example.  I had fun with it. I had an appetizer night and fixed "buffalo" nuggets, zucchini crisps, deviled eggs, hummus and chips, potato skins, kimchee and veggies. It's sounds really fattening, but it wasn't every single item was made very light and healthy and it was satisfying--I couldn't help but think how much I would have liked to have added olives and bluecheese dressing and baguettes to the dinner, but each of THOSE things would have really racked up the fat and calories. I passed, and was just fine. Especially since TODAY I have baguette and olives as part of my lunch.

I'll be glad when the weather is a little warmer. I'm struggling with getting out and running--and opted out yesterday choosing to ride the bike instead. Today I'll be fine, because I have wellness time during work hours, but tomorrow needs some thinking---I want to go to SLC after work--I could drive up and then go to the gym for my 10 minute run, but I think the walk there and back is more beneficial than the run. I could walk AND do the run, but by the time I change clothes walk up to the gym and walk home...that's more time than I want to spend. But really---say 20 minutes to half an hour? Is that really going to derail my SLC effort? Probaby not, especially if I have dinner ready to go to eat in the car.

Monday, January 30, 2012

298 Pita Pit

How is it that I just now have discovered the Pita Pit? There's one right by the Smiths by our house.  We went out for lunch on Sat with Catherine, with the idea of trying to have a reasonbly healthy lunch so we wouldn't feel quite as guilty about dinner. The Pita Pit is GREAT!! I had a big mediterrainian and it was only about 350 cal. Add baked Lays--450 cal. and it was filling too!  Usually it takes about 600 cal for a meal to fill me up, but this was a good one.  It's nice to have this choice in addition to Subway.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

297 fancy

This weekend hasn't been restful--today we went to SLC to hear my Mom speak. She did a nice job. But it has been a nice weekend just the same. Today was about perfect food-wise--and exercise-wise too since it's a day of rest. Dave made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, then I had a fancy lunch--tomato basil soup with a baguette brushed with olive oil with tomato and mozzarella balls and spinach drizzled with balsamic vinegar.  WONDERFUL.  Snack of hot chocolate and a fiber one chocolate peanutbutter bar. Dinner was meatloaf and mashed potatoes with pork and beans and veggies.  I made weightwatcher chocolate truffles (45 cal and 1 pt) and had 2 with some gingersnap cookies.  I've also finally got around to making the quick homemade kimchee (LOVE that spicy food) and some whole wheat bread. I can't wait to have cinnamon toast with a bowl of blueberries for breakfast. I just love luxury food.

I was wondering again this weekend what I would buy at the grocery store if neither money or health were an issue.  Fun fantasy--expensive cheeses and artisan breads for sure, real butter, nuts, salamis, olives, expensive mushrooms, berries, tomatoes, chocolates, fancy crackers with interesting spreads, those fattening frozen appetizers that I never buy. I wonder what my daily calorie count would be then?  I bet it was 8-10,000 a day when we went on our cruise...? Actually, though, I don't think I'd be that much of a glutton--well, maybe I would--I'd just be snacking on rich foods all day long. However, in my dream life I'd burn at least some of it off--hiking in gorgeous places, snorkeling--learning skills like archery, bowling, rowing, tai chi, sailing etc. Who knows? Maybe it would even itself out? The neat thing to think about though is that this life doesn't have to be wholly imaginary. I already do have all those goodies sometimes--I like to hike in the mountains here and I can always take a class in any sport if I really wanted to. As I look back on my life I can see how blessed I've been to do much of exactly what I dream of!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

296 cold air and blueberries

Learned something this morning!  Today's run was only to be 5 minutes long. I was thinking that since the time is shorter, I would try to pick up the pace a bit. I forgot to reckon with the weather--it's in the 30's--a nice winter day, but I scorched my lungs the first minute and then the next 4 minutes were not very much fun.  Sill, I finished and that's what counts. Better still, I broke down yesterday and actually printed off some stretches.  I did them too.  I don't know why, but I just can't stand finding the time to stretch. I guess I just want to exercise and get it over, and not prolong things.  But with arthritis in both knees and pushing 50 years old, I'd better stretch--I've been feeling super stiff and tight all week, and yesterday when I jogged 10 min I felt as though I was flirting with injury. 

I did a good thing yesterday after work.  I stopped at Smith's to get some things for dinner and I had in mind to maybe buy some "no pudge" brownie mix (good stuff!). Instead I saw a big container of blueberries for $4. In my mind $4 for blueberries is prohibitively expensive.  $4 for cheese, or brownie mix is fine--but blueberries? Realizing that I was being completely irrational about the money I decided to splurge for once and got the blueberries. For dessert last night we had big bowls of blueberries with milk and splenda and a couple very little snickerdoodle cookies.

Friday, January 27, 2012

295 up

Oh crud. 187.  Up two pounds from last week.  Not good.  At least I'm holding steady in the 180's and that still feels really good to me. Tomorrow we're going to BYU--that means eating out. I think I"ll have Subways rather than J-Dawgs, but dinner will likely be a problem. It's not that restaraunt eating can't be done--it's just that I don't WANT to control myself at a restaraunt.  Rebel dieter for sure!!  I seem to be determined to lose weight while still hanging on to bad thinking and habits. Tomorrow aside, this coming week I'm keeping things down to 2,000 cal period.  If I'm dying, maybe I'll do a week of the simply filling plan. 

Today should be reasonable--but that's why I need to count. Reasonable yes, but weight loss reasonable? Doubt it. In fact, I'm feeling rebellious and mutinous. I just want to be done with the weight off. I don't want to keep working on something that I never wanted to work on in the first place.  Maybe that's one of the deep tap-roots of the problem.  I never wanted the problem, so I don't want to work on it. Childish and silly attitude maybe, but very real just the same.

Still---I may be slow, and stubborn and stupidly fighting--but darn it, I'm still down 21 pounds from where I was this time last year! The jeans I'm wearing today are problematic because they are loose, and I'm working hard on exercise.

I'm going to try to cut myself a lot of slack---not by way of overeating, but by way of trying not to be so hard on myself for failing over and over and over and over. All the difficulties of weightloss aside, this has been a hard year by any standards. I got a daughter through the end of highschool and sent off to college. I'm still new at my job. My mother came down with a severe form of cancer, my father is falling to pieces in catastrophic ways, my sister's drug problem is coming to a crisis. I have a major calling in my church.  Maybe I'm doing well to be making ANY kind of progress at all. Most importantly, I haven't quit, and I'm not going to quit. I have my eye on being able to run a 5K--not walk it, JOG it. If counting the calories doesn't produce results then I'll go back to WW and maybe be there with a little more respect for the program. It's the turtle that won the race after all.  It's just that today I feel like a turtle with three legs and foot problems.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

294 Scale Games

I confess I play games with the scale.  Tomorrow is my official weigh morning, but just as a way to prepare for the worst, I got on the scale last night just before bed and after drinking who knows how much all day long plus eating an ice-cream cone. 187. This was exciting because it was at night.  So I get up this morning and the scale is still 187.  Aw phooey.  But I have a good day planned---not a very carefully measured one, but a good one none-the-less.  We finally ate the bean soup I had made and it was very good. So good I brought it back for lunch today. I'll be eating it with a piece of naan and cheese and olives. Totally satisfying and reasonably calorie friendly even with the cheese.  This is the sort of thing I need to be on the watch for--sometimes it's only a difference of 100 calories or so of just the right thing that makes all the difference between feeling just ok, but wishing I could eat more and being totally and completely satisfied.

Calorie-wise I need to tighten things up. A 2,000 max is doable and I hope will help me not do so many silly things.

I've also decided that I do not carry my weight well. I've always thought I did, but I've been frustrated putting up pictures from my Hawaii trip. I swear in some shots I look just as fat as I did at 228!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

293 Camel

These last few days I've been drinking water like a camel. I feel stubborn like a camel too.  I didn't do very well with food yesterday despite being fabulous about the exercise (ran 10 min without stopping! Plus strength training and walking to and from work--in the snow on the way up even). Still, I went and wrote it all out at the end of the day so I could know just how badly things had gone. Nothing all that dreadful--2,600 odd calories. Course that's more than Sean eats even on Thanksgiving day, but I think he's overly restrictive (1,500 cal).  Anyway, it was all good nourishing food, but it's not good being out of control. And today is shaping up in a similar way.  The plan is to take Christine out for ice-cream.  That is easily managed calorie-wise, but so far I'm not managing it. I had a good breakfast--cream of wheat with berries and 2 slice bacon. But lunch was pizza, which is marginal, with an apple and carrots (good). I was still hungry so I ate my snack of wasa crisps and laughing cow cheese right away (ok). But I wanted chocolate--so I hate 1/2  a twix bar and a peanut cluster (Huh?).  Why could I not pass this up full well KNOWING that I'm going to have full fat yummy ice-cream tonight? Why does that justify eating more in the afternoon rather than less?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

292 hope

My plans got canceled by snow yesterday, just as well.  I think I found some better--or at least possible treatment options in the meantime.  I'm going to have to be careful about calories tonight.  My breakfast and lunch are reasonable, but I'm not in the mood to be reasonable today. Pure emotional eating.  I feel hopeful and happier--I want to celebrate! This is way premature. The celebrating should be done AFTER Christine and Riley are taken care of not before.  But I'll be ok.  I have flexible calories--and I'm by no means off track.  Also I've been doing great on the exercise front. Walking to and from work in the snow, plus I have my gym workout today and everything ought to be open for that.

Monday, January 23, 2012

191 uptight

A normal day in a way. It's a beautiful wintry day so I put on my boots and walked to work. Food-wise all normal there too. I made some black bean soup for dinner. But the real thing that's going on is my family as always.  I've been trying to go down once a week to help Christine and visit Mom. I dread these trips but I don't always know why--well, yes I do. Although the actual interactions aren't bad, I dread that I might see or hear something that I just really don't want to see or hear. Tonight I'm hoping to get Christine off by herself (maybe take her out for ice-cream?) and do all I can to get her into a treatment program.  I hope against hope against hope that it goes well.  I dread if it doesn't. But I guess I'm trying so if things do go badly and someday I have to react by taking Riley away from her, I suppose I might feel a little less guilty--as if that matters.  On the upside--my family effectively kills my appetite.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

290 A day of rest

It's been a nice snowy Sunday.  I think my body is glad for a day of rest.  Other than the short walk to church, I haven't done a thing. We're having lasagne for dinner with garlic naan bread and salad.  I'm still much happier with counting calories for the moment.  A whole quarter of the pan is only 437 cal, but 1/8 of the pan is about 6 points! Calories allow me to have more fat in my diet, which I think is ok--on ww I really think the percentage of fat is too low--it should be at least 20% if not 30.  I'll have to double check--I might just be down on ww, but truly I think that in an effort to keep people losing quickly they go a bit extreme.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

289 Foolish again

The Gods of exercise are against me, but I'm winning!  Yesterday I went to the gym for wellness time. "Ran" my five minutes then just began lifting weights when they closed the gym for a track meet! On the bright side, I made a 90 cent profit--someone must have had a hole in their pants.  I decided not to fret about the weights--I honestly did my best.  I came home and did some Just Dance.  It's not strength, but at least it's movement.
    It's been raining for three days straight and today I was slated to run 8 minutes. In the afternoon I finally decided that the rain was not going to get any better and went out the door just as it started to sleet. I began jogging and the sleet came down with real force.  Again I felt and I'm sure looked foolish.  What kind of an idiot goes running in this stuff? But it was fun.  I had my ipod, and it was such a crazy thing to do that it was quite liberating. When I got back I was completely soaked--not damp, soaked. My sweats were wet from waist to heel from the driving sleet.  Normally, I would have just gone up to the gym, but it was closed today as well.  I changed to dry clothes from the skin out, did a little Just Dance (after all 8 minutes isn't much of a workout) and felt proud.  Tonight I ate pizza and cookies. mmmmmm.  I did account for them calorie-wise--note: HOW does Sean survive on just 1500 cal????  I'm coming in between 2,000 and 2,2000  it makes all the difference, and so long as I'm losing weight I'm keeping it that way!  Nevertheless, I'm going out to shovel snow now to atone for the cookies.

Friday, January 20, 2012

288 Looking foolish

185 this morning.  Phew! That's very encouraging.  The other thing I like about counting calories is that I feel as though I have one more healthy plan--I can count calories, count points or do the simply filling plan. All are annoying of course, but since they're annoying in different ways it helps me not blow out completely.  Yesterday was funny--I have my marathon book and I'm determined to get back up to jogging for 45 minutes or so and when I can do a reasonable 5K then I'll decide if I want to press on or just maintain that level of fitness.  Yesterday I was embarrasingly stiff and sore, but I was determined to go to the gym after work and "run" the 8 minutes and then walk home.  I started off for the gym when it dawned on me that the sidewalks were no longer slippery. Hey!  I turned around and headed for home. Once I crossed the really busy street I started jogging, nice coat, big bag, umbrella and all. I'm sure I looked like an idiot but I got those 8 minutes in. Today I have my wellness time--so the plan is strength training, a 5 minute run and I walked to and from work.  Hopefully all that will help with the pizza I plan to eat tonight. :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

287 Stiff

I am surprisingly stiff and tired today. I don't think I should be! I only "ran" for five minutes the day before yesterday.  I wanted to run another 5 yesterday but I was derailed by the weather--which was horrible sleet, and also by visiting teaching immediately after work.  My original plan was to run for 5 minutes worth of the walk home even though I was wearing the wrong clothes and would look stupid. Honestly couldn't do it, the sidewalks and roads were so slick. My hope is that mincing along on the way home was a good core and leg workout and made up for it.  Today is just wet and dreary. I'm going to run 8 minutes today and I'm prepared with my i-pod and workout clothes, I'll just run up to the gym on campus after work and get it done.  I'm very blessed to have a nice gym that is free for me just right there, but that doesn't stop me from whining.  The gym is UPHILL. Weber State is built on the side of a mountain and everything is uphill.  All the better right? Yes, but darn it. It's UPHILL.  Then everything I need is on the bottom floor. I don't know why it feels so unfair to have to get to the gym before I can work out, but it does.  This is one of the reasons I like walking and jogging. I step out the door and (usually) there I am! No time wasted on pesky preparation.

On to happier things.  Another plug for PEHP insurance.  GREAT programs!!  I finally sent in a my weight verification stating that I had officially hit 187.  I was about what? four months late in reaching my goal? No matter! They told me to send in the expenses for weight watchers for November and December for reimbursement.  WOW.  It isn't much money, but the thought that counts here.  The new goal is an exciting 181 to be reached by the end of March.  I can do that!  I'm still impressed with the calorie count site, and am having fun with it. Still low on potassium and iron--and carbs! I'll keep trying to bring that up--I don't know what more to do! I'm eating a banana, spinach and rice today--plus lots of other healthy things, but I'll keep looking and trying to add more potassium and iron rich food to my diet. I'm hoping that by giving myself the nutrients I need, it will help me to crave less food. Also, I had leg cramps again last night.  I'll go a long spell without having any and then WHAM! These seem to improve if I eat bananas another plug for potassium.  The CC site is still clunky for me because I'm not used to it, but I really like how I can also plug in my activity for the day and then it will tell me if, given what I consume and what I burn if I'm runnng a deficit or not.  How cool is that?  Over the last three days I have been at a very modest deficit. I'll have to see how it goes---obviously my calories and activites are not going to accurate to the last calorie.  I'm sure I'll have a tendency to underestimate what I eat and overestimate how much I move, but I'll try hard not to do that. The proof will be what the scale says.  I'm a little worried about tomorrow's weigh in. Last week the scale finally rebelled and gave me a number I more than deserved--189. Naturally, I'm hoping this will magically fall off, but I fear it won't.  No matter.  Carry on!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

287 Five minutes

oooooohhhh.  I did my five minute "run" yesterday before I did my strength training.  The best that I can say is that I passed up the girl on crutches.  I wasn't aware before that each leg weighed about 100 lbs.  SHEESH.  In all fairness though, I have to admit that I probably wasn't any worse off than I was 20 years ago when I first tried this program.  Back then, I actually had someone pull over and ask if I needed help during one of my early runs. I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm slow.  Anyway, back then I eventually worked up to the point where I could "run" (shuffle slowly) for an hour at a stretch. I want to get to that point again.  What I REALLY want is to be able to run a respectable 5K.  I don't even care if I'm toward the back of the pack so long as I'm a PART of the pack, and not trailing in alone 15 minutes after everyone else is finished.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

286 WOW--cool site!

Wow! Wow! Wow!!!  I am IMPRESSED with the Calorie Count website!!!  I logged in today and for the first time entered my food.  The first thing I like is that I can put in any recipe and it will give me a nutrition label for that recipe.  Also, when you put in your food for the day it gives you an overall grade for the day--today is A- for me.  Then I got a neat surprise!  There is a little link that will tell you if you are missing any major nutrients.  It was lit up so I clicked.  First, I have too much sodium (no surprise), but then I am also short on iron and potassium!  Big surprise! I'm eating a banana and also sweet potatoes.  It will be neat to see if this is a trend, or if I'm just a little short today. 

Today's food is not far out of the common way for me, but it IS neat to see the calories and nutrition facts as I go.  Here's what the plan is for today:

Breakfast--two pieces of diet toast with I can't believe it's not butter
2 clementines
1 oz cheddar cheese
1 cup milk
1 glass diet juice (5 cal)
diet hot chocolate with light whipped cream.

baby carrots
3/4 cup caramel cheerios

1 naan bread
1 laughing cow wedge
black bean, tomato and feta salad
1 cup o soup

turkey burger--with all fixings
sweet potato fries with ketchup and horseradish

All this comes out to about 1850 cal.  Just right.  However, being the total marshmellow that I am, I will probably have a small piece of chocolate after lunch and 100 to 200 calories worth of gooey brownie tonight.  STILL not bad, but I might even see if I can skip the brownie (or at least have a very tiny piece), I'm excited to have a really good day. 

Also fun today--I got my book "marathon made easier!"  YAY!!! It IS the one I had from before Catherine was born and at my peak I could jog for 45 minutes without stopping.  That's where I want to get to again.  I want to do a 5K fun run and not come in last.  The first week plan has me jog for just 5 minutes, then 8 minutes then 5 again.  I must email Catherine--we're going to do the Salt Lake half-marathon in April and we need to get busy to prepare.  Well, at least I do. Catherine has a killer of a dance class to help her get ready. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

285 About right

I've just been fooling around on calorie count.  What a neat program!!  According to it, I'm about dead on track--it claims I burn about 2,100 a day.  SO--if I keep it between 1,500 and 2,000 I should be just fine.  They claim I could hit goal (155) by mid-August.  I suppose that's possible, but it doesn't sound very plausible to me.  I don't know if I'm just stressed out by my family or what, but I seemed to just have ZERO will power this weekend.  Today, for example.  Good breakfast, and even fixed a nice dinner to have ready.  Then we went to see my Mom--poor Mom, she can't last much longer.  It was snowing, so we decided to go to Crown Burger for lunch to see if it would clear up.  It did, but not until I had eaten the full gyro platter with fries.  I wasn't even hungry! Drop Catherine off, and I get ice-cream to boot.  At least I HAVE been craving ice-cream, if that justifies anything.  Today the scale said 189.  Ooops.  For once I'm not even upset.  How can I be? I feel as though the scale has been very kind to me over the holidays.  Oh well, I will do some Dance Dance workout now, and try and try and try again tomorrow.  I'm excited about playing with the new program.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

284 Calorie Count

Catherine's home for a three day weekend.  It feels so good to have her!  Unfortunately it also felt good to eat her coconut brownies--so good, I've ordered another batch to be made tonight.  Ah well....  I've decided to give calorie counting a go.  I'm ready for something new.  I've been reading the caloriecount daily post with fair faithfulness and always find it FAR more motivating than weight watchers. The website, which is free, has all the nifty tools that the weightwatchers site has, and I'm in the mood for a new toy.  I realize that it's really all the same--the only way to lose weight is to eat less than I want and move more than I want. Period.  But it will be nice to have a new toy.  I'm going to aim for a range of 1,500 to 2,000 calories a day--with an eye toward keeping it on the lower side.  I'm going to keep the weight watchers online going, in case I burn out quickly with counting calories.  But really, I think I'll be happier with calories--it's simpler, Sean's blog, which I find incredibly motivating is about a man eating 1,500 calories, and I've liked the caloriecount website for a long time--as opposed to weight watchers which just makes me mad.  Besides, I just put in my Naan bread recipie and it only has 162 calories!  RIGHT ON!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012

282 basking

Sorry about the Hawaii post.  It actually belongs to my other blog travelenvelope.blogspot.com everyone is welcome to tune in there for fun virtual travels.  The tech guy here at work fixed the travel blog so it dosen't have a big white space--but now everything looks different when I post and I'm not used to it. 

Food-wise.  Sadly, I think the work chocolate will need to go.  Either that, or simply find a way to bring acceptable snacks. WW encourges snacks, and I agree, but I have a hard time finding the points for them. Today's food was great except for the chocolate.  After a great lunch I had about 5 peanut clusters.  I had some kind of rationale but I didn't know what it was, but the mere fact that somewhere down deep I HAD a rationale was enough to enable me to eat all the peanut clusters.  I wish addictions died a little easier.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


My mother was crazy enough to take all of us--my husband, daughter, dad, two sisters and nephew to Hawaii the week before Christmas 2011.  This was sort of Mom's farewell trip--she has pancreatic cancer and we were very lucky that she could make the trip and do as much as she did.  Hawaii is an amazing place--the pictures I've seen don't do it justice and I'd like to go back today if I could.  This trip I discovered the website vrbo.com. It stands for vacation rentals by owner.  We rented a terrific house on the north shore that slept everybody and provided some fun extras that one would never get in a hotel--like a whole closet full of boogie boards and sand toys.


184 today!!!  A new low! and this low is a milestone--it means I have only 20-something pounds to lose.  That sounds so doable!!  Also fun, on the way to work there was an ad on the radio looking for people with 30 or more pounds to lose to try some product.  HA HA!!  I would not qualify!!!  Also, good since my home scale registers 184 I was able to go to the health center here and have them officially plug my weight in at 187--that means I can start again on the waist-away program and they will pay for weight watchers.  YAY.  Also happily, for the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time, I weigh less than Dave.  Granted it's only by a few pounds and only because he's put on a bit but still it feels good.  He lost 50 lbs on weight watchers a few years ago, but he doesn't want to do the new program so he's counting calories. He'll lose it much faster than I will, but I'm surprisingly without resentment.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

280 not horrible

oooof.  I did strength training yesterday--first time since well before October.  Nice to be able to do it during work, but darn it's still work which surprised me for some reason.  It's funny how habitual my mind is.  Once the workout was over and I was home it was hard to believe I'd done any exercise because it didn't take time out of my day. 

Today I've counted points.  It's not so bad. In fact now I feel a little less guilty about some lunch time chocolate.  For breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal with blackberries and a glass of milk, for lunch I'm having a whole can of tomato soup, 4 wasa crisps with butter an oz of cheese (feels skimpy, but really it's an ok sized slice, for snacks I have a banana, some clementines and some ww popcorn.  For dinner I'm going to subway and having a six inch with some chips. 

Talk about stubborn!  280 days in and I'm still amazed that I won't starve to death on ww portions.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

279 chocolate

Ugh!  Usually, if I have chocolate here I feel secure and can leave it alone, but not these last two days. If I can't leave it alone I'll have to take the bag home and just bring home today's allotment. We'll see.  Whatever works. As always the big thing I need to avoid is deprivation and resentment.  For sure I need to bring some snacks.  It would have been much better to have had a 1 point soup today than 4 or 5 points of chocolate because I was hungry.  Things are a little tough on the point counting front. Yesterday I was on track, but was a bit thrown because I had planned to go to SLC and then the plan changed. Instead I made a terrific stuffed chicken dish from cooking light magazine, but only loosely counted the points.  Tonight's challenge is the RS dinner.  It's supposed to be a "light" dinner--which usually means plenty of calories but not filling. I'll do my best with it, but I refuse to feel guilty about it tonight--I just got back from doing strength training.  Oh my.  I haven't done this since before my knee got hurt in October.  My body is clearly made of pudding. It's wonderful that I can do it during work hours, but darn it, it's still a workout.  I think I'll see if I can get my ipod going.

Monday, January 9, 2012

278 easier--maybe

Huh--I was reflecting that many successful people in the weight loss world claim that things get easier as one goes along.  This morning I was kind of hungry at work, but I ate a banana and was thinking smugly that things really were easier. I was far from full, but I wasn't worried about it because lunch was coming up. Lunch WAS great and I'm fine, but I don't get to be smug--for some reason I just had to have some chocolate covered pomegranet and a peanut cluster.  DARN!!  It just 2 or three points, but I don't WANT to count those points. 

Ah well, keep on trying. Overall it has been an easier day.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

277 Fast Sunday

I forgot until late yesterday that today was fast Sunday. I'm growing to really enjoy Fast Sundays--I need the spiritual lift and I sure love having a nice large guilt-free dessert afterward.  Tonight we had meat-loaf with mashed potatoes and carrots. And we'll be having smores toasted by the fireplace in just a few minutes. Really, the overall calories were probably just fine, it's the lack of worrying about it that I love. Wanting to just not worry about it is probably at the core of my real addiction. This is changing slowly as I grow to like the responsibility and empowerment of taking care of my health--still, carefree times are MUCH appreciated.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

276 Good food

I've writing this today while I wait for the tortilla chips to cook and then I'm taking an early nap. I'm clearly better but tired.  The backed corn ships are great--I've also made a spinach dip.  The good food is something I really enjoy when I'm trying to eat right. Paradoxically, because there is so much that is restricted, I have to go out of my way to cook all kinds of yummy things that aren't restricted so I can survive with some kind of happiness and the result is very happy indeed--the food is MUCH more satisfying and appealing and fun than when I just eat whatever.  When I eat whatever I quickly fall into a rut.  I fall into ruts with WW too, but they are a little more diversified.  This week I'm counting points carefully and so I have chips in the oven, a spinach dip in the fridge and plans to make date bars for mornings (super yummy).  I haven't figured out dinner tonight because it's leftovers--probably goulash and salad, but for lunch I'm having 30 chips, up to 1/4 of the dip (unlikely I'll eat that much), some clementines and some roast beef sandwiches on homemade sourdough bread. 

The thing I keep forgetting is WHY I'm doing this? This is such a no-brainer, but I honestly forget that eating right will result in lower numbers on the scale, smaller clothing sizes, better skin, lower counts on things like cholesterol and lots of other wonders.  I forget this because when I think of losing weight I'm usually thinking of dreams--being a size 10, weighing 155--not having this problem anymore. I forget that if I count my points and exercise this week, I might see 184 on the scale, and that is an exciting number! Not all of the clothes Dave got me 2 years ago look good yet---but it's almost there.  SO--I'm not counting points just as a meaningless exercise in frustration, but because I want the results that it brings me.  Maybe I should chant that like a mantra. 

Friday, January 6, 2012

275 Feeling Better

Feeling better in every way. Physically, and mentally too.  I was 185 again today!!! Hooray!!  My all time low which I saw for the first time on Christmas Eve!!!  I feel motivated and inspired and rewarded---i was thinking last night whether I should have a piece of pie or a cake truffle ball when it occured to me that I didn't really want either and I certainly didn't need either.  I compromised and had a small peanut cluster. I haven't been excercising, but tonight I will do some gentle wii and tomorrow something else gentle and then Monday be back for real.  I'm excited for both the SLC 1/2 marathon and also to train for next December's 5K Santa Run. I've never been able to jog for any distance---well, ok yes I did the year before Catherine was born--HEY!!!  That's how I can train for both events!!!  There is a book called "Marathon made easier" It's an old book, but I really liked it.  It starts by just jogging for 5 minutes then backing down and then increasing.  I can work through that book jogging for what it calls for and then walking the rest.  I will look this book up right now!  YAY!!

Food wise, I've been lazy about logging into WW, just sort of mentally keeping track.  Tonight is pizza night--so in typical dieter style I'm going to start tracking more carefully tomorrow again. (We go shopping on Saturday).

I also feel so relieved and grateful in general for my body.  I was watching 1/2 ton man yesterday and it showed all kinds of people who are simply HUGE--800, 900 even 1,000 pounds.  Totally bedridden and totally hopeless. I found the doctors maddening.  One doctor was "helping" his patient by putting her on 700 calories a day!!  Who lives like that?? 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

274 oops

I could have sworn I wrote yesterday, but now that I think of it perhaps I didn't.  Yesterday was on track although I didn't go to the WW site and log it in.  Today will be close to being on track, but lunch was out of control--so even if the calories overall wind up all right, I know things really weren't all right being out of control helps no one--especially not me!  I took the day off for my cold--true I am coughing and I felt very tired this morning, but I felt much worse on Monday and didn't stay home. I couldn't sleep in much because I had to be awake to call into work then I putzed around with Dave putting away Christmas--I feel as though I've missed Christmas this year because it's been so rushed, but the mess has sure lasted. I had a light breakfast, but I was hungry for lunch. It was a weird one. 1 tortilla folded in half with cheese and grilled with plain yogurt to dip it in, any number of fiber select crackers with almost the last of the Christmas cheeseball, a handful of olives, three slices of bacon,a broiled jalapeno with cream cheese, 1 lipton cup of soup and a clementine, with a little square of chocolate for dessert. Right.  Not at all sure what was going on in my head there--probably not much.  I'm in that annoying phase where I'm really too tired to be awake, but not tired enough to be asleep.  I have the computer room almost under control and I think I'll see if I can nap on the couch.  I think I'm lonely today. Catherine is back at school and Dave is at work and the house is quiet and I'm not quite myself.  Oh well, maybe I'll feel better if the nap is successful. I'm making a lite ravioli dish tonight with snap peas and mushrooms. Getting the house in order is making me feel MUCH better and it doesn't all have to be done perfectly today. I can look forward to a nice evening with Dave and WITHOUT statistics by the fireplace.  I told Catherine I'd make her a Hawaiian quilted pillow--they had wonderful patterns at the Polynesian Cultural Center and we picked out some great fabric last week. Maybe I'll start that tonight. New projects go a long way toward curing just about anything.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

273 Feeling encouraged

Today I feel encouraged.  For two reasons I think. First is that I'm having pie pizzaria stuffed cheesy bread for lunch.  For anyone who has not had cheesy bread from the Pie, I am sorry to say you've been living a drab and meaningless existence. Seriously, though--after nearly a year of blogging, I've come to the obvious conclusion that I'm a headonist.  I like the good things in life--good food, good books, good friends, good times. When I put good food into my day like the cheesy bread, then I am much happier with my diet. This is such a "DUH" kind of a notion that I sometimes forget to do it! Opting instead, for something that's quick and on track but also not what I'm in the mood for.  This cheesy bread is pretty much on track, I'm having it with a big cabbage salad and some oranges for lunch.  For dinner I've made a ww chili that's really tasty, but also very low point that will help offset the cheesy bread and keep me well within points.

The other reason I'm encouraged is that this blog has shown me just how much I really eat and that I really can eat a LOT of the things I like and not always in moderation either and still lose weight!!  This morning I was at 186--22 pounds down since April Fools--42 from my all time high. I'm proud of that.  It's been super slow but that's ok because by and large I'm still living the food life I enjoy. If I can lose 20 lbs again this year I'll be at 166 by this time next year---gasp!!! And if it's only 10 then that's ok too--I like the look of that number as well.  Anyway--starting out this New Year I'm happy because I know I'll be taking pitstops along the way. I still owe myself a lunch at the cheesecake factory for starters. This feels good--I'm literally eating my cake and still losing weight. 

Monday, January 2, 2012

272 In control

Back on the wagon. Over the break we saw the new Muppet Movie. My favorite line--one that will no doubt become my theme for this year is from Animal. In the movie he's in an anger management group--whenever he starts going crazy, usually at the mention of drums, he is reminded to be "In Control," and Animal repeats, "In Control" in a joyless tone of voice, and stops the behavior.  Love it.  His voice and attitude are EXACTLY how I respond to weight watchers.  It helps me be "in control" and it helps me stop destructive behavior, but boy, I do NOT like it.  WW has rolled out their new 2012 plan which as far as I can see just means taking points away--the new target is 27 as opposed to 29. It's only two points, but this level of restriction that's a lot!!  Anyway, WW said themselves if the old plan is working to stick with the old plan if you want. I want. But still, I had to go in and manually adjust my points upward, so now I feel as if I'm cheating.  Thanks a lot weight watchers.

Today isn't hard though--I'm still overstuffed, and I can't wait to both get into the 170's and to get out of them!!  I have a cold, but I walked to work anyway.  Next week I can start strength training on work time, and as soon as I'm feeling better, I'm going to start walking with the idea of mixing jogging in as much as possible.