Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, April 30, 2012

394 Guilt

I blew it yesterday. I don't often feel guilty about food.  My usual emotion is anger that I can't just eat it all without consequences. But today I feel guilty. Addiction is an ugly thing.  Dave made his pasties last night. They were gigantic, and while the insides of them were fine, the outsides were and entire pie crust EACH--basically 1/2 cup + of butter and lots of white flour. The thing that's on my conscience is Catherine. She put on a bit of weight at BYU and I'm alarmed at some of the poor habits she's exhibiting--they're exactly like mine--OH NO NO NO NO!!!  I'm trying to set a good example for her and I've done great as far as the exercising goes, but horrible with food.  Last night, I cut my pasty in half and made myself a cabbage salad. The 1/2 pasty was a bad enough example, but I wasn't full when I'd finished my half. I knew I needed to stop. I knew Catherine needed to see me stop. But it didn't matter. I wanted the rest of that pasty. And I ate it. The ugly truth about addiction is that when the addiction is in control, it is IN CONTROL. I don't know what force in the universe would have stopped me from that second half. Not even love for my daughter was enough. Infuriating.

I'm also mad at myself because I'm using the 186 on Friday as an excuse to eat whatever I want, because Hey! I'm maintaining. Stupid. This is the fast track to gaining it all back. Today's challenge is lunch out with a friend. Tomorrow's challenge is my anniversary. Do I want to get back on track and learn from my mistakes? Not particularly. I'm scared now, but not quite scared enough.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

393 weddings

Hate missing days of blogging--for me this blog is the slender thread that keeps me trying on at least some level every day. At the moment, I feel pretty far off--and yesterday was a wedding and tonight Dave is making Montana pasties for some reason (fattening and wonderful) and it's Sunday--which yells dessert to me! Tuesday is our anniversary--23 years!--Another clarion call to the food trough.  Looking at the calendar--we have Catherine for just 3 weekends more, and that last weekend we all want to spend at home and she wants rouladen (about 900 calories per serving according to one website and we all habitually eat at least 4 servings at a sitting, and NO, one cannot eat fewer rouladen or lighten the recipe.

Well---a couple of upcoming bright spots. May 1st begins another attempt at the Lazy Man Iron Man. Also, there is a part of me that I can feel gearing up for another push down the scale. It would feel so wonderful to have another 10-15 pounds off.

Friday, April 27, 2012

391 Jillian Shred

Another Friday and 186. I went visiting teaching and they had just made the most wonderful cinnamon rolls. Usually, I'm not especially tempted by cinnamon rolls, but I confess, if I could have I would have eaten two.  This is a looooong coast but at least it is a coast and not a regain so I'm not especially unhappy about it which is the problem. Maybe it's even the BIG problem. It's hard to find motivation to do anything when you're not particuarly unhappy with the status quo. The clothes I can wear now are still new and exciting to me and goodness knows I like to eat. And eat and eat and eat.  So here I sit in mediocrity. Will things get better after Catherine goes off to Disneyworld? I can't imagine why they should, but it's a nice fantasy.
Anyway, Catherine got a hold of a Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred workout dvd. She is determined to do the 30 days without exception. She even did the workout the day after the marathon--ouch. I admire her. I did it with her last night. It's a nice little workout--only 20 minutes and I worked up a sweat.

I had to roll my eyes at Jillian though. She was talking during the workout--and one of the things she said was that the idea that all we had to do was walk up the stairs rather than take the elevator did us a disservice because we CAN work hard! And we SHOULD work hard!  ---no argument from me there--I can't hear that message enough. Go Jillian! It was just the "so give me all you've got for these 20 minutes! You don't get abs like that (pointing at another gorgeous person on the video) for free!!! " that got me. Somehow I just don't believe that Jillian or either of the two chiseled women on her video get their bodies by doing a 20 minute video workout every day no matter how vigourous. Maybe, just maaaybe it takes a little bit more effort than that.  Isn't the suggestion that this 20 minute workout will do the trick just as insidious as the suggestion that just taking the stairs will do the trick? I'm picking at nits here and I know it. It's just that little inconsistencies in the diet/exercise world really bug me because on at least some level I'm really trying--so don't make it harder dear industry by saying stupid things okay?

I'm 100% positive that if I ever talked to Jillian, she wouldn't suggest any such thing. She'd be all over me to quit coasting--say no to the cinnamon rolls--get off my lazy behind and get to work!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

390 Power Out

Yesterday Weber had a massive power outage--no storm or anything--just some hardware meltdown. It was great--I got to go home at noon so I took Catherine to Mom's house and we worked and worked till the appraiser came. Oh my gosh--I am not used to manual labor. We only worked about 4 hours and I was stiff and sore. I hope I at least worked off the pizza. That was a bit annoying.  We didn't know how long we'd be stuck at work, and so ordered pizza. I couldn't eat the lunch I brought because the microwave didn't work and so was "forced" to eat the pizza (3 slices, they had me at gun point--really).  Today is really annoying. The power is still out and will probably be out tomorrow too--they don't need me here to sit in the dark and answer one call every two hours--but I have to be here instead of at Mom's doing work that might actually be useful.  And my boss had even sent an email saying not to come in. I was all set to go back to SLC when her boss said we had to come after all. Grrrr. They expect the power to be out tomorrow too and I'll be here again. One of my big problems is boredom eating--the core plan breakfast did NOT do the trick at at for me today. I had two slices of Catherine's homemade sourdough, a big glass of milk, some oatmeal and an apple then at work a banana and a lot of fiber one cereal. Still starving. I just finished a vast salad with as much meat and cheese and blue cheese dressing as they could put on--plus some breadsticks and a reeses egg. I'm still not especially full.

    Two more cookies later. The power's back on. That gets a lukewarm hurrah from me---I was upstairs all set to doze off for awhile. Tonight we're having Hungry Girl eggplant penne, which sounds blech but is super wonderful. HG has the right idea about portion sizes--big.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

388 Second dinner and leftovers

I'm feeling better still and walked to work today. I also feel like a total wimp. As we're going through Mom's stuff we're finding all kinds of interesting information---like how Omi and Opa walked 10 miles EACH WAY to church every Sunday. They didn't have special shoes to do it in either. Yes, I'm a marshmellow, but it's nice in a way to know that my weight problem really is a result of my lifestyle not just poor will power. Let me explain---we hear a lot about making "lifestyle" changes. Yes, it's important, but it's difficult because it isn't natural. Omi and Opa never worried about their "lifestyle" they simply got up every morning at 4 and worked like crazy until dark. They ate anything they liked (assuming it was available) and never had a weight problem. Somehow it helps to know that I could make the same choice. I could get up at 4 and work in the yard and find some kind of manual labor job to toil at the rest of the day if I wanted to. It really is an equation I can control---work harder eat more bacon--sit on my duff in an airconditioned office and eat more celery. It's a matter of balance, not necessarily deprivation.

Anyway, we went to SLC yesterday for family night. Catherine came with me and we went early to work at Mom's house. She fixed me a very nice and point friendly dinner to eat on the way. When we got to Lisa's, we found that Lisa had also fixed a very nice dinner--good rolls, meat, cheese, chips, deviled eggs, a veggie tray. I did well.  I did not eat a second dinner although it would have been easy to do so. I munched on the fruits and veggies and just a few chips and one slice of cheese. For dessert there was Lisa's famous chocolate cheesecake birthday cake. This is stuff to die for, but I wasn't hungry and so I only ate a few small bites of my piece and I was really ok with that.

Today I have leftover macaroni grill mushroom ravioli for lunch. This is sort of ok I hope. I think I figured out once that a serving of grill food had something like 30 to 40 points. I figure I've got about 1/4 of a serving today. With some carrots and a 4 point naan bread--not an awful choice.  Tonight I plan to mow the lawn and give the onion rings another go--WITH plenty of cereal.

Monday, April 23, 2012

387 Foolish

Balanced checkbook--oops. Macaroni Grill was a mistake in more ways than one. This moderation business is simply no fun somedays. Maybe I'm just fundamentally lazy--my favorite thing is to be immoderate--spend too much, eat too much, sleep too much, vacation too much, read too much.  Bummer. I'm afraid my natural inclinations will always lead me to be more like Jabba the Hut than Gandhi. This of course is a problem in and of itself but it's also a problem because since I don't look like Jabba (yet) I cut myself far too much slack because, "Hey! I'm doing great--right?"  Well---since I haven't lost an ounce since before Christmas...Great is probably not the right word choice.

But--I'm less sore today--and reasonably on track so, sure! I'm doing great!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

386 Owwww

Owwwww.  I might take back what I said about this time around not being as bad. You know the moleskin? Great stuff--it's like a self-adhesive bandaid, and it DID help a lot, but it leaves a sticky residue. I peeled off some of the residue. It wasn't residue--just skin. Okay, that is waaay too much information, but I just had to throw that in. I can't wait for the next one. I want to train better and RUN it!  There were so many people out there who weren't afraid to run super slow--and they finished way ahead of me. 

There is one person that I really hope finished. She was quite heavy, and a lot of her weight was in her thighs (there were a number who were older and heavier than me and they were still running) and she was wearing a very short little pink skort. She was ahead of me running slowly and all I can think is that she must have been chafing like crazy. It's one thing to cover 13 miles, its another thing entirely to chafe for 13 miles.  I hope she made it. She was out there, she was going and that race wasn't cheap. I hope she got her medal because she was one who really deserved it.

Today I ate a light lunch so I could eat fajitas tonight and not worry too much about the portions. It's been dry the last few days and hopefully the sticker bush is dry enough now to burn--I want to roast marshmellows outside and have smores. I want to overeat---but I don't really want to overeat. I want to be content with what makes my body happy.

Today I'm grateful for:
Dave--who is acting as legs for me and Catherine today
Catherine, who was hurt but finished the race with me yesterday anyway. SO proud of her.
Laughing cow cheese
All kinds of cheese
fresh water, as much as I want all the time
Good people, who work hard and bring joy to the world.
Naan bread and the internet which opens the world to me.
That I CAN have fajitas and smores and be perfectly on track.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

385 Salt Lake Half

DONE! Bad left leg and all. This was the real thing and didn't attract many walkers--I wish I could have run more, but I just didn't dare. Catherine was having trouble with an old injury and after three miles walked the rest with me. It was fun and I'm feeling better today than I did with the others. I weigh a little less, plus I put cushioning insoles in my shoes, plus moleskin around the toes that blistered last time, plus I made sure to eat more (that was kind of fun--to NEED to eat more for a change) on the way. My time was horrible--just under 4 hours, but--I don't feel nearly as bad as last time. Now I'm getting ready to go to a fancy retirement dinner for Dave's department--that means steak--protien is probably just what I need.  I'm excited for the next half--I hope to run  good chunk of it.

Friday, April 20, 2012

384 No Cheese!

Hey! There was no cheese at the reception! But there were a whole bunch of other appetizer-y delicacies so I wasn't too disappointed. I was there early and I wanted to dive directly into the buffet, but there were others there who were truly among the "distinguished" and about 100 years old, so I'm relieved to report that I didn't just shove them out of the way in my eagerness to get to the table.

Also helpful to the diet, but totally unprecedented in church history--there were NO refreshments at the stake RS training??!!!!  Whoa!!! I would have had to rethink my testimony if the meeting itself weren't so good.

Which brings me to today. The day before the 1/2 marathon with a sore left leg and very very very tight muscle. What's life without a little adventure? The race goes all through downtown Salt Lake, so it's not like help isn't available if things go badly. Besides, I really want that silly medal. I'm grabbing Catherine and heading down right after work--EXPO, probably Olive Garden and then to Lisa's to sleep.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

383 Distinguished Professors

184--thank goodness again. The cheesecake factory moving to SLC is a really a bad thing for me. Dave was in SLC last night and I was all set to eat a planned reeses cup for 5 points when Dave stops me because he has brought home a blueberry truffle cheesecake. Oh my.  At least I shared--I guess.

Today is a much larger problem and I don't even care it is the Distinguished Professors reception at Weber State. Or--appetizer heaven and appetizers are my favorite food on earth. The first year I went there was a three foot high assortment of fancy cheeses. Dave and Catherine tease me because I'm still talking about it. The heirarchy in my mind is Christmas--and then this reception. Without doubt that cheese mountain is in the top 10 memories of my life.  Ok--I like food--especially cheese--waaaaaay too much. I can NOT wait for this reception tonight. The only thing that might limit me a little bit is that I have a stake RS meeting at 7 and I'm playing the opening hymn so I'd better put the plate down and get there on time--darn darn darn darn darn!!!

382 Chi

Filling food is one thing--satisfying food is another, but it's been a good day. I made a Hungry Girl chicken pot pie yesterday--and had it again for lunch today.  It's ok. The fun thing I've been doing the past two days is having my "Chi" aligned.  Weber State has a stress lab with nice massage chairs and a few other things. I'm trying to get my legs as loose as possible. The Chi machine is hilarious--basically you lie on a mat and put your ankles on this box thing which moves back and forth from right to left--which of course moves everything else too---I felt like a fish flopping around in the bottom of a boat. They leave you there for 15 min. I think it helped.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

381 filling food

Another rainy day---annoying in one way, because I had a meeting cancel and had planned to go to SLC to work in the garden.  On the other hand...maybe this is a real gift from God. He knows I'm dumb enough to do the 1/2 marathon on Saturday regardless of how I feel, and my legs are having real troubles. Gardening is hard on the backs of the legs--so maybe it's smart not to go down and make things worse.

Anyway--yesterday was pretty good--but what the heck with the onion rings???!!!!  According to Hungry Girl's receipe "Lord of the Onion Rings" you're supposed to take 1/2 cup of ground up fiber one cereal (add some spices like garlic powder and oregano) and a large onion. Dip the onion in egg beaters and then the cereal spray with canola oil spray and bake. 1/2 cup?? I went with it because occasionally these receipes surprise me and actually work--but 1/2 cup??? for a large onion??? Either her crew airbrushed the onion ring coating on molecule by molecule for the picture, or she meant large pearl onions or something. I must confess that what little coating there was on my onions tasted fine--but honestly!!  Next time (yeah it was good enough for another try) I'm going to grind up a reasonable amount of the cereal--like 3 cups or more---it still would be a low point healthy dish with an amount that works.

Today--I'm doing the "filling plan" meaning I can eat as much as I want as long as it's from the limited ww list. It's nice to do this once in awhile and feel full---I had a lite bagel with cream cheese, cottage cheese and a big glass of milk for breakfast, lunch will be tomato soup, rolls, a little cheese and olives (I have to count points for those), I've also had a banana, and rice caramel rice cakes. I'm blowing it a little because my co-worker just came back from a vacation in Chile and brought  chilean chocolate bars--of course I'm having a little. How often does that come around?

Today I'm grateful for:

the internet--(trying to find home appraisers in SLC)
fun ethnic food
that we didn't lose the cat last night
tomato soup
the Weber State stress lab--and the time in the afternoon to use it while on the job! I'm going to find a massage chair and see if it helps.
That I live in a country where having too much food is actually a problem.
A sale at Christopher and Banks!
That I can now shop at Christopher and Banks--not the larger CJ Banks! Yea!!

Monday, April 16, 2012

380 Choice

Today is another good day. Today I feel as though maybe I have made a little progress after all. I have a nice on-track day all planned, and then in come my co-workers with muffins, bagels, cake and fruit. I'm never overly full on ww and I LOVE bagels--but today for once, I felt as though I had a choice.  I felt as though I could have the bagels and muffins if I wanted--I can--if I just want to maintain. Lots of my skinny co-workers did--and that's fine--they will either maintain, gain a little or work it off.  I really don't want to maintain today so I chose not to eat the bagels and muffins even though they looked great.
This feeling is so different. In the past my feeling has always been that I'm supposed to skip the goodies because I'm fat. So the choice was either skip it--which makes me feel deprived and angry or eat it out of rebellion which makes me feel empowered and satisfied but also discouraged because clearly I'm never going to lose the weight. It's an empowering feeling to know that I really can have the bagel.  Just like any other skinny person--I said no because I just didn't want to deal with the work bagels and muffins entail.
I'm getting there---no resentment or deprivation today. Just a little normal choice like thousands of other little normal choices in all aspects of life.
Today I'm grateful for:
Big bagels with veggie cream cheese--will be having one of those for the marathon b-fast
That the world is full of fantastic food
New receipes--tonight will be trying HG onion rings
Spring--beyond beautiful
That God is in charge (I'm often grateful for this, but don't say so nearly enough)
That my daughter is not only smart and beautiful but a wonderful person too.
My spoiled cats and a fenced backyard

Sunday, April 15, 2012

379 Sabbath

A day of rest! Thank goodness! I'm caught up on sleep and am giving my poor body the day off. Today's concern is my feet--they hurt! Probably from wearing old tennis shoes yesterday gardening--this is concerning because of the marathon on Saturday--it's hard enough coming into it in one piece let alone with hurt feet and a weird left leg. I wonder how many of these aches and pains are real and how many are imaginary because I feel underprepared? Guess I'll find out Saturday.

Foodwise--today is a ww counted perfect. Breakfast was 1 pancake, milk and fruit (a typical Sunday b-fast cause Dave always fixes pancakes), a deliberatley light lunch because I am determined to have a reeses cup for dessert AND I really wanted a lot of the spinach crab dip that I made yesterday. SO--lunch was--banana, 1/2 can of progresso lite chicken soup, a tomato and onion salad and 1/2 cup of chip dip with 24 tortilla chips that I baked yesterday. Dinner will be porkchops and peaches, 1/2 cup of brown rice, asparagus, 6 stuffed mushroom caps.  Dessert--the peanut butter cup--that puts me at 32.5 points--I give myself 36.  I'm going outside now to see if the branches of the sticker tree that I chopped down are dry enough to burn--if so, I might add some marshmellows to the list.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

378 Gardening

oooof--my right hand is tired and parts of the rest of me are complaining too--BUT I got the lawn mowed!! It's been bugging me for a week and I haven't been able to do anything about it.  I did ok with the food today--2 slice bacon, cottage cheese and a roll for breakfast, RS lunch (undoubtedly bad on points, but I was reasonable), and a 6 in roast beef and the lightest chips I could find from Subways.  PLUS lots of gardening--both at my house and my moms--Hooray for a lighter rain.  Now I'm going to sit by the fire with a 20 cal hot chocolate and whipped cream.

Friday, April 13, 2012


I am TIRED.  Yesterday was a fun day in a lot of ways, but in my mind it did NOT count as a day off which is what I was really hoping for. It's not often the weather wrecks my days--I'm usually reasonably flexible, but it wrecked yesterday. The plan was to sleep in then mess around in a leisurely way--if I was in the mood I might work at Mom's yard for an hour or two, pick up Catherine then go to the cheesecake factory and a lecture then take her back to Provo--for a late night for me, but a good day.

The first part worked sort-of--I felt like a really did want to work at Mom's and it seemed as though I probably could because it was supposed to be cloudy with showers. The morning was just like that--so I put some rolls on to rise and went to Lowes and bought 6 big bags of mulch in the "shower" which was pretty heavy as were the bags. I decided to go to SLC earlier rather than later with the idea of working as much as I liked and then going to Barnes and Noble if I were in the mood. What was a shower in Ogden was a full blown rain on the freeway and visibility was lousy. If there is anything I detest it is driving in bad weather. I got to SLC and it was pouring--much too hard to do any yard work, so I went to Barnes, but was all uptight and irritated because I was wet and cold and couldn't do the work I wanted. The rain never did let up so I went back to Mom's and unloaded the mulch rain and all--I went to Crown Burger to change clothes (felt a little better) then drove to 100 south (FAR) to hunt for Catherine's bus stop. (Hunting for addresses is second only to bad weather driving in things I really dislike). Things improved dramatically once I got Catherine--we went to the Cheesecake factory--I had those buffalo bites at last--pure heaven. But the waiter forgot to put in our order and we had to be at the lecture. So we had him box up the dinner as well as the dessert (white chocolate macademia nut cheesecake--ohh wow). On the bright side, he felt so bad that he gave us the cheesecake free. Really, it was fine--we were both full from the bites. (For as many calories as those were we should be fine) The lecture was interesting (God made me deaf), and the weather cleared--but we decided to impose on Lisa anyway and spend the night so we could play a little downtown and so I didn't have so far to drive in the dark. I did NOT sleep. I don't know why I couldn't, but I couldn't--we got up at 6--Catherine took forever, but I made it home by 7:20--jumped in the shower--cold and wet again and got to work.

 I feel exhausted and foggy--this can work either way food wise. If I'm tired enough--the appetite goes. If not quite then I want to eat and eat and eat. Tonight everyone is coming up to go to pizza and then I'm done with the ridiculous eating at least for awhile. It's a good thing I didn't eat the dinner last night--what I did eat was plenty silly enough.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

376 Famous Daves

Oh yum--oh blech. We went to Famous Daves BBQ last night and had the "feast for two" plus an order of boneless wings. I am FULL--ribs, wings, coleslaw, beans and the BEST corn bread muffins on earth. Not smart, but oh so nice to just go relax and dig in.  This morning I'm still full.  I had all kinds of plans (day off!) to mow the lawn and go to SLC and do some gardening. It rained yesterday and is still cloudy and wet with intermittent showers. I'm going to SLC anyway--I'm thinking/hoping the ground will be real soft and I can at least put mulch down to help with the weeds. Tonight I'm taking Catherine out, and tomorrow the family is taking me out and then I am done with huge restaraunt meals--at least for awhile. 

The appeal of restaraunts is gigantic--it's a good thing we're not rich or I would be eating out every single meal. I never seem to get sick of it. I saw a documentary on Michael Jackson once--one of the weird things he did was to have his cook prepare his lunch and serve it on a plate with plastic over it as though it came from some park or gas station or something. Very weird--and I'd like to think I wouldn't be strange enough to do that, but I totally GET the appeal. Buying pre-made food or going to a restaraunt signals--wealth, vacation time and luxury to me. Strange that Michael with all his millions seems to have felt the same way. Happily, I also like to cook--and there are some things that no restaraunt could ever do, but still---it's going to be a long time I think before I can happily be moderate at a restaraunt.

Alarmingly the half-marathon is a week from Saturday!!!  Yikes!!! It's supposed to remain in some nebulous time in the future! I'm not ready! Yikes!!!!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

375 Birthday

48 years old today--that's so OLD sounding. So mature. I feel anything but. Anyway, I've been very good the past two days and hooray for weight watchers I've gotta admit it works if you can bear to stick with it. 184 this morning. The plan was to not eat breakfast until after I came to work and weighed in. Oh well. Sweet Dave fixed me a birthday breakfast--a very nice and healthy one--but once I ate that, drank the milk, put on my clothes and then went to weigh on the evil doctor scale--uhhhh 189.  Oh well. I faxed it in and PEHP can do has they like with it. I'm feeling kind of odd today weight-wise. Almost annoyed that the rest of this week is food heaven---go out somewhere tonight, take C to the cheesecake factory tomorrow and have family up for PIE pizza on Friday.  I feel as though I've already pushed my weight luck farther than it can be expected to go--my body is going to finally rebel and put me back up to 200 if I'm not careful. And I don't want to go up.  Of course the obvious thing is TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES AT THE RESTARAUNTS.  Huh? What was that? Nope, doesn't compute. I've heard strange rumors that others go to restaraunts to focus on the people rather than the food.  Well---I might consider that if these were people who weren't around all the time anyway. If I want people I'll go find the people that I want.  But if I want food---then I go to where the food is--and there is zero chance that what I'll be wanting is grilled chicken and steamed veggies.

Here's the wishful thinking---this blog reveals the ridiculous amounts of food that are pushed on me (okay--I seek a lot of it out too) on a practically daily basis. Could it be that I'm starting to get sick of it? Could I finally be figuring out that the food is always always always there and it's not such a big deal?  Could food someday not be the focal point of my life?

In any case, I think I'll be relieved to get to Saturday and feel in control. Even today I'm not wanting to go bananas--breakfast was perfect--so is the weather, so I walked to work. Lunch featured some extra cheese, olives and a reeses egg, but wasn't totally out of control. I don't know where dinner will be, but I'm not really thinking in terms of some huge feast. I'm tired. Part of me just wants something simple at home, part of me wants to go to Barnes and find something fun. Whatever it will be, it will be a good birthday.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

374 a better day

All right. Today IS a better day. Thank goodness bad moods don't last forever. The family dinner went SUPER well!!! Dinner was high point naturally (this is my family), but I ate a reasonable amount and only 2 cookies then donated the rest of the cookies to my sister. Today I'm actually counting points and it isn't soooooo awful. Somedays I feel like I can eat quite a lot on ww points, other days I feel as though I can't eat anything. Today is a good example of what I think it should be. There is plenty--true, I'd prefer to eat a lot more, but I can see that it's enough. Here's what a good day looks like for me.

banana with PB2 peanut butter
thin bagel with fat free cream cheese
3 strips of bacon
20 cal hot chocolate with lite whipped cream
5 cal cran-grape juice

Walk to work--uphill about a mile or so.

Hungry by 10.
Snack---baby carrots (unsatisfying, but at least gives my mouth something to do.

Frozen Healthy choice tortellini and beans (7 points)
cabbage salad with lite dressing and six olives.

Wellness time at work--walk steep uphill to gym and lift weights for about 1/2 hour--maybe a little eliptical if there's time.

Walk home

Hungry girl version of sweet and sour chicken--not bad!
Homemade kimchee (if it's still good)
1/2 cup of brown rice
6 frozen chicken wonton things.
A reeses egg!!

Total is a perfect 36 points. Of course I would have liked to have had milk with breakfast and a big snack now, and some chocolate after lunch and more olives on my salad, and some big munchie snack in the afternoon, and more rice, more wontons and a couple of cookies with more milk for dessert--but even I can see that all that food isn't necessary. I can give my poor digestive system a break.

Today I'm thankful for all the lighter foods that are out there to help me. I like PB2, and Ken's lite steak dressing, and diet hotchocolate and lite whipped cream. A BIG improvement from the 1970's when all there really was was carob instead of chocolate. Blech.

Monday, April 9, 2012

373 Nasty Jolt

Ugh! Good thing we hiked to the pond yesterday. TWO unhappy jolts. The first is a 187 on the scale--granted everything I ate yesterday hasn't processed, but still. And the second is that those wonderful peanut butter eggs are not 2 points. They are FIVE points each. I bet the two points was from the old ww plan. Crud. Crud. Crud.  The immediate panic is that I'm supposed to fax in my weight verification to the insurance people and I'd rather not fax in a weight of 189! (Two points more for the stupid doctor's scale). The plan is to do the best I can today and tomorrow and whatever it is on Wednesday I'll simply have to submit. It must be incredibly frustrating to work with addicts. It's frustrating to BE one. They (the insurance people) have been so nice to me. I want to please them and I want to move, but I'm not doing a very good job of movement. There's a book that I find incredibly frustrating--Diary of a Fat Housewife this poor woman weighs 250+ if I remember right--and this is a record of her attempts to lose weight by eating 800 cal a day. It's a compelling read, but she keeps claiming that she's "learned so much" but as far as I can see she doesn't learn anything at all! I'm frustrated today because I think I'm this same lady! I write all this stuff I think I've learned so much--but really, I have to wonder if I'm not still at square one. I haven't learned to prefer eating right to eating wrong. My default setting is still to graze on as much high fat food as possible and eat gigantic portions. No, I couldn't eat today what I was eating 41 pounds ago at 228--but heck! Give me a few weeks and I'll be right back up there snorking down huge pre-diner "salads" with loads of blue cheese and peanut buster parfaits from Dairy Queen.  FRUSTRATING!!! I want to stomp around and pitch a fit (which would be a great calorie burn) but my left leg is also giving me problems--it was not happy with yesterday's walk which doesn't bode well for the upcoming marathon--so I probably shouldn't stomp around.

I'd better put in some gratitude listing today even though I'm not at all in the mood to count my blessings.  GRRRRR

Progresso Soups--especially the chicken noodle
wasa crisp bread and laughing cow cheese
My healthy co-workers who did NOT bring in goodies today thank goodness.
A gorgeous day to walk to work in.
A reasonable sounding upcoming dinner at my sisters--I ought to be able to exhibit at least some self-control.
The size 14 (YAY!) pair of jeans I bought Saturday
that moods pass
That I'm almost off the desk for today.
That today will pass--family dinner and all.

Ok--I admit that gratitude helps, but I don't WANT to feel better. I want to enjoy my bad mood. I think I'll take a break as soon as I'm off the desk here and go stomp around the duck pond.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

372 Comedy and the Pond

I love BYU--we had so much fun last night.  Catherine was the only one with a ticket for the show--she literally got the last one, but 50 more tickets were set to go on sale at 6 for the 7 o'clock show.  We got in line around 4:30 and were one of the first. People really started to join the line around 5 and even waiting in line was a party--pizza delivery guys were coming to deliver in line--Dave and C went down to the Brick Oven to get a pizza for us (complete with salad and a 2 liter rootbeer).  There was no foul language or ugly music or off color jokes or unhappy children--just food and friendship and games and laughter. The show itself was terrific.  In short we had a grand time. Pizza wasn't the best choice, and neither was the lemon cake with chocolate dipped strawberries that Catherine made especially for my birthday. The pizza was unwise--but I maintain it would have been very wrong not to eat and enjoy that little cake--Catherine really went all out and I appreciate it.  Still, I'm feeling fat and out of control today. It's amazing how seductive food is---It's a beautiful Easter Sunday--the perfect day for renewal. I'm not hungry, I've already had one reeses egg and yet it's all I can do not make popcorn and cheese and have another egg.  I might still make it later tonight, but for now--really? Why? I don't even want it particuarly. Its just that it's there and I know it's good and that I could have it. At least for this afternoon I made the better choice. I practiced the harp, and am writing this blog and now me and Dave are going to take advantage of the day and go up to Beuss pond and see the ducks.  

Saturday, April 7, 2012

371 Exceptions exceptions

Brother--a year into this and still the same problems. Those EXCEPTIONS are SO hard to cope with and there are SO many of them in my life! Example: Yesterday we decide to go to the movies for a change--we both like the movie food here which is really bad for you. Well.....for as rarely as I go to movies....Then today we're going to Provo to hopefully see a show and will take Catherine out--well...I don't get to see her as often as I would like, and eating out is my favorite thing....then tomorrow is the real Easter, so some candy is mandatory, Then monday I'm going to SLC to have dinner with Lisa and family..well....that's super stressful I need all the chocolate chip cookies I can get. Then on Wednesday  it's my birthday!! Well...that's a legitimate reason to celebrate--especially since I've lost all this weight--I want to go to the Pie Pizzaria and feel like I can have anything I like. Then the day after that I took the day off--Catherine needs to come to SLC to see a special program for school--we can spend the day together a rare treat and the Cheesecake Factory just opened in SLC!!! I can finally get those buffalo bites that I couldn't enjoy in Denver. That's just my week this week.  Also upcoming in April is the annual reception that I love because it's appetizers gone wild, a fancy retirement dinner (free food!) and a wedding reception and who knows what all else.  All of this can be coped with---it's just wanting to cope with it that's so hard.

Friday, April 6, 2012

370 Waaay TMI

ok--the plan in my head is to get serious and break into the 170's--sheesh--it simply shouldn't be this hard to make any movement! It's not like this is a far away goal. I'd love to spend most of the next 6 months in the 170's and then most of the 6 months following in the 160's. It will happen if I do the work. It helps a lot the experiences in calorecount.com--I feel like this website lets people explore what works for them which is wonderful to see because nobody is the same. What's striking me as helpful is simply people saying that they weigh lesser weights than what I weigh. Someone might be 140 and trying to lose 10 pounds or be at goal at 160 or whatever, but I was thinking last night that weights like 140 and 150 seem less impossible to me. It's not a magic number that is produced by wishful thinking, sucking in my stomach and stepping lightly on the scale (all techniques that I frequently use).  It's just a normal human weight and someday I might overeat and feel as heavy as a rock and weigh 157 or something.

Anyway--the TMI part of this is something that's been bothering me for awhile and I really don't know how to fix it. The more faithfully I follow ww or any kind of plan that actually produces weight loss--the more time I spend in the bathroom. This is not just a matter of drinking a lot of water--I do that anyway. And it's not a small annoyance of having to go a bit more often. This is a matter of urges that are way too strong, and way too frequent. It has been disruptive enough that I went to the doctor about it and got a prescription--it helps a little. What helps A LOT is being off-track. When I eat as I please--which means plenty of high-fat food like cheese, I don't have a problem. Whether the fat is absorbing some of the water--or whether I'm simply not eating enough fat on ww I don't know. So great! I should probably eat more fat right? But fat is extrememly high-point/high calorie. I don't know how to eat more fat and still eat in any kind of quantity that would be satisfying. And yes, I know that fat is supposed to be more filling--and maybe it is, but if it is all I can say is that I've never noticed. On the contrary--the more fat I eat the more I seem to want--I love thickly buttered bread and packs of nuts and huge chunks of cheese. I do eat all those foods on ww--but in limited portions obviously. Frustrating! I'd love more fat--my body seems to be saying eat more fat, but if I do weight loss stops.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

369 Normalizing

Gorgeous weather and still getting back to normal. Yesterday's hitch was the bookclub lunch--oops--forgot about that. Love going out to eat on work time though. :)  Environment makes all the difference--everyone I work with now is healthy and it helps sooo much! Everyone took a normal portion at the lunch (including me out of peer pressure), some took dessert and some didn't. It helped me to choose to skip dessert--this was a less virtuous decision than it sounds because the reason I skipped it was because I had an almond joy easter egg that I was determined to have. Still not having the dessert AND the egg is an improvement. For dinner I made a chicken burger receipe that Dave found. This one is one to have again--you fry up diced apples and onions and also make some crispy bacon and mix that with some bread crumbs and spices in with the chicken then top with provolone cheese. The topping was mayo with cheery preserves and chives. Of course we had this with our standby oven fries. A great dinner. Skipping the lunch dessert and walking to work paid off too--184 this morning. It's encouraging--yes, maintenence is still going to take work, but boy is it easier than losing! But I'm mentally gearing up to work to lose another 10 and then maintain at that level for awhile.

Today I'm grateful for:
A "european" style breakfast--a roll with butter, cheese, yogurt, milk, juice and hot chocolate.
little 100 cal microwave popcorn
Reeses Easter Eggs
funeral potatos for dinner
a husband who can and will resurrect the lawn mower
a yard to work in--I'm belatedly learning to like gardening and yard work--must be Mom's influence.
people who discover healthy reciepes and share them

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

368 beautiful

It was a beautiful funeral--the day was a gorgeous spring day and the Relief Society was so sweet--they got flowers from Mom's garden for the lunch tables. It felt good both at the viewing and the funeral to see how many people loved Mom. Carol was so sweet--she never met Mom, but she drove all the way to SLC (about 1 hour drive) to be there for me.

One thing this funeral has helped me appreciate--for me--much as I miss my Mom, much as I didn't want to say goodbye--seeing her death and making funeral arrangements has been FAAAR easier on me than going to SLC to visit Christine and Dad. I didn't spend last week dreading the viewing or the funeral--I just felt peaceful and I'm ok.

Ok--this tells me not to underestimate the stress of Salt Lake Christine visits. I will try and think of ways to minimize the psychological difficulties of this for me--obviously it's a very big deal indeed if I'd literally rather face death than go to SLC.

Food-wise--I feel thin today who knows why? It's been nothing but wrong food for about two weeks. I did walk a 5K on Sunday, but zero exercise on Mon and Tues and fattening food. Today is a little better--back to walking to work and back to semi-normal food--except today we had our bookclub lunch--I wasn't very hungry, but it was still more points than I should have had no doubt. Also, we celebrated Easter a week early since Catherine was home so there is plenty of chocolate. I'm looking forward to the half-marathon tho. It'll feel good to work toward something fun.

Monday, April 2, 2012

366 Viewing

Tonight is the viewing--I'll be glad (I think) when all this is over. Working on the house will be a pain, but at least there isn't any specific date that anything needs to be done. I think I'm ready. I feel like I have time this morning--and I had cream of wheat with Mom's blackberries in her honor.  Food today and tomorrow will be weird but I hardly care. I'm just glad that two of the tops that Dave bought me long ago will be perfect for the viewing and the service and now fit.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

365 Anniversary!!

No I haven't missed a bunch of days--somewhere my numbering got off, but today is April 1st--officially one year since I really began this half-baked project. I'm down to 184--still a dizzingly exciting number for me despite the fact that I've been stalled here since Christmas. This is an overall average of 2 pounds a month. Slow, slow, slow--but I am PROUD of myself. I feel great, I look great, and I'm changing lifelong poor habits for lifelonger better ones. The exciting thing is the discovery that I was right---I CAN have it all. In many ways I enjoy more and better food than ever before. As this blog attests I still eat a LOT of the "bad" things and I ENJOY them!!  Today we're having an early Easter because Catherine is home. That means Reeses peanut butter eggs, and ham and that's just fine. One full year and I'm still trying--that is a record for me. And if anyone is reading this blog you'll know that it hasn't been an easy year either.

 Paradoxically the biggest reason for success this time (besides this blog) is the very imperfection of my attempts to live the weight watchers plan.  I simply can't do it!! And because I can't do it/don't really WANT to do it all that well--I wind up just doing the best I can and making choices I can actually live with and be happy. Sometimes weightwatchers would approve of the choices, but much of the time they wouldn't! I don't approve of all my choices either! But it's good enough. The best I can do really is good enough. What a relief! For the upcoming year I hope to discover that I can make even better choices and instead of dying from deprivation--I will like feeling a little lighter. I'm sure I'll discover new favorite recipes and goodies---right now there is a half gallon of slow churned lite girl scout cookie thin mint flavor ice-cream in the freezer--an HG recommendation--GREAT STUFF!! I also went back to the health food store yesterday and bought the jar of mysterious French onion dip. Mysterious because it has no fat, no sugar, no carbs and NO CALORIES! What it's made of I can't imagine (the label doesn't help much), but I tried it and it isn't horrible--I will absolutely buy myself some baked lays potato chips and sit on the couch with chips and dip this week. April will bring another 1/2 marathon--May, I hope will bring another attempt at the lazy man iron man. I would be fantastic to be sitting here on April 1, 2013 weighing 165 (another 24 pounds)--but whether I go beyond that dream or don't quite make it it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that I'll be better than I am now and that's all that counts.