Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, April 30, 2012

394 Guilt

I blew it yesterday. I don't often feel guilty about food.  My usual emotion is anger that I can't just eat it all without consequences. But today I feel guilty. Addiction is an ugly thing.  Dave made his pasties last night. They were gigantic, and while the insides of them were fine, the outsides were and entire pie crust EACH--basically 1/2 cup + of butter and lots of white flour. The thing that's on my conscience is Catherine. She put on a bit of weight at BYU and I'm alarmed at some of the poor habits she's exhibiting--they're exactly like mine--OH NO NO NO NO!!!  I'm trying to set a good example for her and I've done great as far as the exercising goes, but horrible with food.  Last night, I cut my pasty in half and made myself a cabbage salad. The 1/2 pasty was a bad enough example, but I wasn't full when I'd finished my half. I knew I needed to stop. I knew Catherine needed to see me stop. But it didn't matter. I wanted the rest of that pasty. And I ate it. The ugly truth about addiction is that when the addiction is in control, it is IN CONTROL. I don't know what force in the universe would have stopped me from that second half. Not even love for my daughter was enough. Infuriating.

I'm also mad at myself because I'm using the 186 on Friday as an excuse to eat whatever I want, because Hey! I'm maintaining. Stupid. This is the fast track to gaining it all back. Today's challenge is lunch out with a friend. Tomorrow's challenge is my anniversary. Do I want to get back on track and learn from my mistakes? Not particularly. I'm scared now, but not quite scared enough.

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