Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Saturday, January 19, 2013


We had our Honduran dinner tonight. A soup stuffed with veggies--including Cassava (yucca) and a plantain--and GASP---a tiny amount of tripe. A good portion of tripe was supposed to be in the soup--but it looked and smelled awful. I cooked up a little for the three of us to sprinkle on our "authenic" soup. I'm proud to report that none of us died and all of us tried it. I must have eaten at least four or five molecules. The thing that's important to note here is how satisfying and filling that dinner was. We had the soup and then some homemade tortillas with fat free refried beans, mexican sourcream and mexican cheese. They were small tortillas, but those with the soup hit that magic place where I'm not only full, but I dont want any more food. That is a rare experience for me. I need to work on eating more complete combinations like much much much much more often. Right now, I don't want dessert, I don't want to munch, I'm not thinking about tomorrows food. I have well and truly had enough.

5 things to be grateful for: That I don't have to eat tripe (even the cats didn't eat it) That we're almost done paying the Sallie Mae loan!!! That I found my favorite picture of my Dad A warm house. The chance to teach gospel doctrine.

Friday, January 18, 2013


In the throws of addiction yesterday and not much better emerged today. Moderatley hungry, but when faced with a sandwich bar...sigh. Even as I took two cookies I was thinking about this program and wondering what on earth I was doing. Why did I do that other than some weird frantic attempt to maintain my weight? Food is a weird addiction. But! I remain grateful for many things! That Catherine brought home Just Dance 4 Funny Movies like Sister Act Chocolate chip cookies Variety in food Fruit out of season Clean water to drink.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Another good day

It's been a good day with food. I'm having trouble getting enough fiber though. I need to look up some sources of fiber, and also a good receipe for a high fiber homemade bread. Today's gratitude--- I'm thankful that my family is slowly resolving itself into something liveable. I"m thankful for my new calling as gospel doctrine teacher I'm thankful for my fun psych class I'm thankful for my good health!! I'm thankful for modern medicine--esp good dental care and glasses!

Monday, January 14, 2013

5 grateful

Gotta post my 5 grateful things or I won't get my points! Here we go-- My wonderful daughter wellness time at work new receipes new ideas the fireplace

Eat as much as I can!

I had an insight about myself this morning as I was thinking about the great abundance and variety of food I have. This weekend, I was reading a book about careers with my daughter adn it became very evident that EXPLORATION is a fundamental part of who I am. I want to go everywhere--see my blog http://travelenvelope.blogspot.com, major in everything, meet everyone, do everything...and EAT everything. No wonder I have trouble with food! Telling me to limit my food or portions is like telling me not to see the sunset--I simply refuse to do it. I would literally rather be fat. So how can I see things differently? I like the book, "French Women Don't get Fat" which talks about the French passion for food, and how they honor that passion by being very selective and picky. That resonates with me. If I can treat food the way I treated Disney World---that is, I was determined to see and do as much as I could--but to do that I had to accept that I literally couldn't see all four parks in one day. Not only that, but to really SEE Fantasyland, I couldn't just race through it full blast. I had to walk slowly sometimes, and stop and look and experience Fantasyland. Can I learn to treat food the same way? If I go to the olive garden and gorge myself on breadsticks can I really experience the delight of the entree let alone dessert? What if my goal became to enjoy food as MUCH as I possibly can--and actually EAT as much as I can with full pleasure? My grandparents had the right idea, "save room for dessert." I've just misapplied that philosophy because I can ALWAYS stuff dessert in. But if I truly want the max chocolate chip cookie experience, maybe I can learn to not eat 5 pieces of pizza first.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Snow Day

A SNOW DAY!!!! And on a Friday too!!! This NEVER happens to me. It was a glorious, wonderful bonus day. Unfortunatley, I went straight into "vacation" mode and threw all food rules straight out the window. Will try again tomorrow. At least I burned a few calories shoveling snow. I'm grateful for: A warm house Good food Beautiful daughter Legos Good books.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

more gratitude

Oooops-- Funny how knowing ths week doesn't count for cash prizes makes a difference. I've been a bit careless--like I didn't write the gratitude yesterday. No matter--plowing on! Today I'm profoundly grateful that it didn't snow yesterday and that Catherine was safe while driving the stick shift for the first time. What else? Sweet students at work, that I have a fun little party to go to tonight, that I'm really enjoying my mystery book, that I've been sleeping well and that I lvoe my new pajamas.

Monday, January 7, 2013


Very happy to be starting the intuitive eating program! There are some technical difficulties, but I can at least get going in the main. The idea is to get as many points as possible. For the first 4 weeks you lose points for eating list off the "Limit" list--ie: junk food. I'm not worrying too much about the limit list this week because our house is stuffed with Christmas things. But I AM going to limit the candy and junk and make sure I eat all the healthy stuff and do my best to stop when I'm full---come to think of it, I probably could have eaten less pizza for lunch. Oh well. Healthy dinner tonight! One of the things that earns me points is to list at least 5 things every day to be grateful for. Here goes: 1. My new calling as gospel doctrine teacher. I'm really excited about it! 2. That Catherine did not need an MRI for her hip. 3. My wonderful Christmas presents--especially the sensi and the buddha board. 4. THat my Ellery Queen mystery is good. 5. That Weber has a fast ILL system. 6. That Catherine is picking up on stick shift driving very quickly. 7. THat my new class sounds like fun. 8. That today hasn't been too horrifically busy at work.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Taking responsibility

Very excited about the prospect of the eat-to-liv program!! I think it's really going to help me to tune into my best self. Best of all, Dave and Catherine are doing it with me. Nice too, the program officially starts on Jan 7, our official Christmas Day this year, but the points to earn don't count toward prizes this first week--so we can relax on Christmas day and start changing habits on Jan. 8. I also like how the "limited foods" drop off after the 4th week. Hopefully, by then I'll be a bit more ready to be responsible about cakes and bacon.

Anyway---I was thinking about responsibility and how and why I avoid it with food. Somewhere deep inside I really think I believe that eating is bad. Somehow ALL eating is verboten, even though I know that's silly. Lately, I've had some healthy snacks here at work but I'm having the hardest time giving myself permission to eat them. Somehow the thought that I can and really should do without them is very loud. HOWEVER, I HAVE been way overindulging on the junk food! Why doesn't that come with any alarms? The odd analogy that comes to mind is teenages and condoms. I'm told (and I think this is very valid) that often teenagers don't use condoms, because to do so means they have to pause and actually admit to themselves what they are doing as opposed to "just letting it happen." That's exactly what I think is happening with me and food. If I go to the fridge and eat my soup which I know is about 100 cal and filling and healthy--I have to admit to myself what I'm doing. I am officially "eating." If I go to the fridge and load up a plate with goodies--that is NOT officially eating because it isn't a deliberate meal and it isn't even a deliberate snack--because I honestly don't snack that irresponsibly. That plate of goodies is a sort of limbo food. Not emotionally tallied.

Perhaps one reason that the intuitive eating program is calling me so strongly is that I sense that I need to lift that taboo about food. Even I need to eat! It is a NEED a NEED a NEED--like breathing air. It is NOT a bad behavior, it is a necessary one!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy 2013!

January 1st! Have I exercised like mad? Have I recommitted to weight watchers? Have I decided to get rid of this problem once and for all? I have NOT. Not that I don't want the weight problem to be behind me. I do, but never, never, never will I formally diet again. What I AM going to do though is a six week eat to live challenge that hopefully will help me jolt out of my auto-intake mode. It's sponsored by my friend's sister who is a dietician and a big intuitive eating person. It sounds just right. Catherine's coming home too, and I think she wants to lose a little Disney weight too. We can cheer each other on. Exercise is the current challenge because it's been SO cold! In the 20's and less. Much too cold for even walking, let alone running. A couple of general thoughts. If I have any healthy resolution this year, it is this---I want to exercise as much as I can and eat to nourish my body as best I can. The second thought comes from the scriptures and is simply to "Not run faster than I have strength". I'm taking that literally in running and also in changing my food habits. The bad habits are powerful and true change only comes through patience and persistence. Change won by patience and persistence is permanent--change that comes by going faster than I'm really prepared to go--ie: 29 points on WW, comes right back on, because I was never changed in my heart.