Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Saturday, April 30, 2011


  The funeral was beautiful.  As it happened I didn't go to the luncheon--which was a good thing because they really had a lot of really good stuff. I had to go to back to work so I came home and had a tracked lunch.  For once a filling one! A small amount of wontons rice, a banana, and jicama, and a cabbage salad (literally just shredded cabbage with some kalamata olives).  I felt really good about that lunch and it actually held me until dinner---our Friday night pizza tradition.  Papa Murphy's cowboy pizza this time. Pizza is basically 10 pts a slice and I love it, so I'm trying hard to have leftover points at the end of the week.   I did, and I had two large pieces plus some "garlic toast--wasa crisps).  It was plenty, but I really wanted two more pieces! I guess thats what they mean by trigger foods---they just make you want to eat more even after you're full.  I've written about how I stopped going out for fast food very much once I realized that Arbys (and every other joint except subways) simply didn't fill me up no matter how big of a meal I bought.  Same with pizza---even when I'm not on a diet ,at the food court I rarely eat at Sbarro's--I've tried it a few times and just leave hungry.  Home is different.  There is a WHOLE pizza there--and I really can choose to eat pizza until I feel full, which I love to do, but it's a heck of a lot of calories! 

The friday night tradition isn't going away and I don't want it to--but maybe this little realization will help me want to avoid other highly processed stuff.  Not because I shouldn't have it, but because it always is a let down.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Down another pound!

Four weeks 28 days and down another pound for a total of 8 pounds.  OKAY!!!  45 left to go--not an impossibly huge number.  I DO like that ww yields results.  I'll like it even better when I get some results that I haven't seen before.  These 8 pounds are Christmas weight--heavier than I usually am--I need to lose 3 more pounds to get where I consider myself normally to be anyway.  7 more pounds from today will bring me down to the all time low from my last bout with weight watchers.  After that it's ALL exciting stuff!!  Every pound after that will be a weight that I haven't seen for at least 20 years. It will feel fantastic.

Major kudos to the insurance company PEHP for their wellness program.  They will pay for WW so long as I lose 1 BMI every two months.  Their goal for me was to lose 7 pounds in TWO MONTHS--less than 1 pound a week. That is incredibly reassuring to me.  A big heartless insurance company is actually willing to PAY for a loss that modest. This tells me that if I work as hard as I can a "little" loss is actually doing very well indeed.  It's okay to work hard and lose a little. It's okay to work hard and lose a little. It's okay to work hard and lose a little.  A little is a BIG deal.  I can't hear that message enough.

Today's challenge is the funeral.  Have I mentioned this?  Horrible.  A 15 year old suicide in our ward.  His mother was my visiting teaching companion.  We found out on Easter Sunday.  The shock has worn off now, but I've never been to a funeral of anyone that young, let alone a suicide. I don't know how it will affect me food-wise--whether the sadness will kill my appetite, or cause me to want to wolf down huge amounts at the luncheon.  The hardest thing right now is to even care.  A boy is dead.  His family is destroyed and I'm worried about what I'll eat for lunch???   This is an extreme example--but I'm learning that one thing that keeps me fat is that there is often something more important than what I eat--it's Christmas, I'm comforting a friend over ice-cream, it's the 4th of July, it's Friday.  Too many occasions where what I eat just doesn't seem as important as the occasion.  But I'm fighting for my life too---both quality and quantity.  I need to insist (if only to myself) that I am important.  Important enough to say no--no matter the occasion--even if everyone else is eating.  And if I put it in those terms suddenly the food ISN'T the important thing anyway.  I guarantee nobody will be concerned about my lunch today at the funeral.  And it's not like I need to be concerned much either--only enough to decide (which I have) that I'll eat as moderately as I can and call it 12 points.  There.  I'm done.  Now I can focus on other things as I should.  But remembering to make that decision instead of just going with what the day brings is not natural to me yet.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Three keys

Okay, continuing on from yesterday.  Losing weight is a little like assembling a jigsaw puzzle.  Mine as at least three pieces--and probably more.  It really bothers me when groups like WW claim to have THE answer, when they are so clearly missing pieces as evidenced by the thousands who try to live the program but are unsuccessful.  I wonder why it bothers me so badly? Why can't I just let it go and appreciate the good things it does have to offer? Why the compulsion to "fix" the program? Clearly, I need to fix it so it works for me--but why all the frustration because the program is imperfect?  Maybe it's as simple as the feeling of being let down by the program--or maybe it has really deep roots.  I know the feeling of unfairness is a big problem that I haven't yet overcome.

ANYWAY--like I was saying yesterday---the ultimate goal is to become an intuitive eater--the kind of person that can trust themselves to eat whatever they want and not eat what they don't want.  Stop when they're full and simply not worry about it.  I already do this somewhat---I can maintain a steady weight without effort--but it's a weight about 60 pounds above where it ought to be.  There are people out there---formerly 500 lb Sean for example, that have to work very hard to maintain what I can do without effort.  PLENTY of others seem to maintain my goal weight or less effortlessly--the goal is to join their ranks.  I think this is the third and final puzzle piece.

The second is the principles from overeaters anonymous---how can anybody solve a problem like obesity without solving the underlying problems that caused it in the first place?  I need to focus here much more than I do---I jump in and out of OA--usually out---because it's scary and often painful and always a time commitment.  But what other choice is there? The problem exists and it simply will take whatever it takes to resolve it whether I like it or not.  I think OA is the bridge that will someday get me to intuitive eating and also make it possible to stay on weight watchers.

The third, and in a way the least important, are programs like weight watchers---I don't think I can skip this puzzle piece, much as I would like to.  I'm 47 and have spent a lifetime trying to avoid ww and still lose weight.  My efforts are not enough to get results.  WW gets results which is both encouraging and I hope will eventually change my body chemistry as I lose weight--thus making it easier to maintain a lower weight.  Also, much as I get frustrated and complain, it forces me to deal with the other two steps.  As I get angry with the ww plans--that anger is important because it will reveal the thinking that keeps me overweight.  And, to live the ww plan I become very aware of what foods I like and want. Also, ww keeps me in touch with feelings like hunger and light satisfaction---I don't like either feeling and I don't have enough acquaintance with those feelings.  I have plenty of acquaintance with being full, overfull and unconscious about food.  Time to restore the balance. 

Today is the 28th day!  A full month.  I struggled some yesterday and probably ate too much dinner again, but I am plugging away forward.  Hopefully the scale will show a loss, but if it doesn't, I feel much slimmer and that IS a great feeling.  I can't wait to wear the cute clothes Dave bought me two years ago.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Too much chicken

Wow--I continue to be amazed by Sean from the losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com blog.  I think I've mentioned him before--he used to weigh 505 and is now at goal weight.  He blogged every single day on his way down.  I've decided to take him along with me for the ride.  Today is the 27th day for me so I read day 27 for him.  I am amazed by his refusal to be a victim and be angry at his circumstances.  His story today was about high-school football--he was big at about 300 lbs and went out for the team.  The first practice was on a very hot day and the coach made the kids run laps.  Because Sean was the biggest and slowest the coach made him run extra laps.  Halfway around the third extra lap Sean quit--walked off and never came back.  MY attitude is that the coach should have see Sean's exhaustion after the standard laps and given him a "good job" pat on the back.  And he certainly should have found Sean the next day and offered some encouragement.  The coach represents to me what is wrong with so much of the diet and exercise industry--give this huge effort or you're off the team.  It's getting better but that mentality is still out there and it destroys people--I once tried to join a gym in Houston and was flatly refused a membership because I wouldn't commit to at least 45 min a day.  The gym was right next door to my house! I wanted to begin the habit of daily exercise not commit to a huge goal that I didn't believe I could maintain.  Anyway--SEAN's attitude is much better--his blog reads as though he honestly doesn't harbor any resentment against that coach.  Only regret that he didn't stick with it. Wow.  I have a long way to go before I can be that fundamentally forgiving.

Anyway---I'm glad I read that today so I could be reminded that perfection can backfire.  Yesterday I planned my food which included manwich "wings" and oven fries for dinner.  Good choices both, but a little hard to measure--how many fries really equal a "large potato"? I didn't even try to measure--they were on the plan and I ate until I was full--not stuffed, but feeling good FULL.  I just couldn't stand to leave with that barely satisfied feeling I usually get from a ww meal, so I'm sure that I ate more than I was really allotted. I don't exactly feel guilty, I believe that eating in response to true hunger is the right thing to do.  But I also know that starting to bend the rules is the sure path to diet disaster. So I'm a little frustrated and frightened.  What if I can't live with this program?  What if I can't lose weight unless I rigidly follow the plan?  I know for a fact that this second feeling is a little silly--I will lose weight, just more slowly which should be fine, but really isn't in my mind.

I was thinking this morning that I'm due for a little pep talk.  I'm just past the 3 wk mark which is where I usually bog down and quit. My previous habits are pulling me to quit.  I've never been successful and have a hard time believing I CAN be successful--it might be possible for everyone else, but not for me.  Nonsense--where is it written that I must be fat and frumpy? Physically speaking Mom and Dad were both quite good looking when they were young.  The other worrisome thing is just that this a hard thing to do--the logic is that if it's this hard now, how can I possibly be expected to keep this up for long? I'm forgetting of course, that it might just get EASIER on the way and also that a lot of journeys have some major obsticles right at the beginning.  Also, I am able to maintain hard things.  Yes, I lose interest, but I am able to perservere---I keep jobs, I've studied harp faithfully for two years now, I let a lot of projects go that's true, but I finish many.  I can perservere here too.  Also, this is not forever exactly---keeping an eye on my weight IS something that I will have to watch the rest of my life--somewhat like a recovering alchoholic.  But there's no way I'm going to go through life counting the points on every morsel I eat.  That's ridiculous.  Weight watchers is one piece of the puzzle---for me an important piece, but the ultimate goal is the concept of Intuitive Eating---that piece of the puzzle is the last piece--I'd love to do it right now, and I've discovered that I can have a little very very slow weight loss on it if I make a point to embrace any healthy habit that might come my way, but right now I can't really be reasonable on intuitive eating--I like food too much and social occasions or just plain loving what I'm eating is more powerful than my inner signals to stop when I'm full.  Still---that's the goal.  Oddly, ww is helping with intuitive eating---to even begin to be happy with ww I have to make the choices that I personally, find satisfying.   

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I was blessed while fasting yesterday because I didn't cut back on any of my walking and still did very well.  It's going without water that's the difficult thing.  Had I felt bad I wouldn't have done all I did, but I was blessed for trying to do something good.  One of the blessings of fasting is that I didn't have to worry about points for dinner--I had the whole days worth available!  The object isn't to fast and then be a glutton and I hope I wasn't, but I did have one of my absolute favorite treats--popcorn, chocolate milk and cheese. Weird, I know, but there it is.   Overall, I'm feeling lighter and better, but old habits are beginning to be felt and I'm wanting more than I should have. It's going to take awhile for new habits to feel comfortable---I wonder how long it will take?  I DID bring a fabulous snack today---fiber select crakers (15 in a serving!), with cream cheese and fancy pepper jelly.  I had a nice breakfast too. So, I'm far from suffering, it's more just a wish to relax my guard and not deal with it.

Monday, April 25, 2011


It was a powerful Easter.  Food-wise, I did great--did not graze but ate what I wanted and kept track and it wasn't so much over either.  But all that was irrelevant yesterday.  The son of one of the leading families in the ward killed himself on Saturday.  Everyone is in shock.  Tammy, his mom, used to be my visiting teaching companion--Catherine was at a service project with Troy on that Saturday morning.  I don't know if his poor parents had any warning--if  Troy struggled with depression or anything, but I certainly had no idea of anything amiss.  All I could think yesterday was that it could so easily have been Catherine.  It wasn't easy for her to make all the moves she's made during her life and the move here was especially hard.  Her school is cliqueish and there's no one her age in young womens.  I wanted to hang on to her yesterday and never let go. Instead we booked some fun things to do on our upcoming Aruba trip, had a lovely Easter dinner and played some games as a family.  I feel incredibly blessed and desperate to do something for the Taylors.  I'm doing the only thing I really can and that is to fast for them today.  As I was looking over the congregation yesterday all I could think was how important each one of us is. I didn't even know Troy really (probably part of the problem, poor soul), but his loss leaves a huge hole. Those poor parents.  Kind and decent people.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Overcast day and chilly--perfect for a hike up waterfall canyon.  It's about an hour straight uphill.  Catherine went with us this time--her first time to see the falls (it's only my second).  I'm proud of all of us.  I think it was a little easier for me to get to the top this time than it was last time.  I didn't track very well today--breakfast was right on, I had a 3 pt granola bar at the falls, and then a 6 inch roast beef from Subway.  So far, so good.  I also had some pizza Doritos (not the greatest) and I forgot to bring home the package to figure out the points.  But I wasn't worrying.  I had 19 weekly points left, plus all the activity points, plus a major hike.  Tonight I hope, is the last of the "exceptions" for a least a week (other than Easter).  We went to the Timbermine again.  I actually pre-ordered the veggies, but I don't know that it made much of a difference in the overall health of the meal.  They tasted awfully good, and I suspect were cooked with something high point.  I wound up with the best dinner in the room.  Dave traded me some of his steak for some of my  veggies. So I wound up with a really full plate while everyone else just had an entree and a baked potato.  The cheesecake really hit the spot.  So, no idea on the points there either, but was at least somewhat prepared.  Tomorrow is Easter.  Happily, not a huge food holiday for me.  I think what I'll do is just make a point not to mindlessly graze.  Eat the candy I want (hopefully within reason) and write it down. One candy bar is worth about 7 points---so even if I eat 3 bars worth I will still have plenty for the week and I don't intend to eat anything like that much--but I will write to make sure. 

I am reminded of an unhappy fact tonight---"splurging" doesn't satisfy temptation.  It actually weakens it.  It seems reasonable to think that if I just have what I'm really craving then that the craving will be satisfied.  Nope.  We've been making rice krispy eggs.  Yesterday when I was on track I had no trouble not nibbling.  Tonight--I both wanted more chocolate and stuff and also found it very difficult not to graze .

Friday, April 22, 2011

Down another pound!!

Yesterday was an off-kilter difficult sort of day.  Angry feelings toward ww, difficult people at work, and a late night trip to Walmart which I detest and which didn't have what I needed anyway.  Again I'm glad to have this blog to have a place to dump my weight loss feelings.  I can easily see where the pressure of all these unvoiced emotions would cause me to give up on any attempts to be more healthy.  But even with my negative frame of mind yesterday there were some great things that happened.

First off, I wasn't hungry--that helps a whole lot! I had this spinach cottage cheese stuff from an indian restaraunt and boy, was it good!! Also the garlic naan bread. Heaven.  We were all eating and reeking of garlic and discussing our book club book, when I realized that I was quite full! I actually put the lid on (literally) my container, and stopped eating. This is a huge step in the right direction for me.  I was prepared to be disappointed at this morning's weigh-in because in my experience, if I feel full at all the previous day, weight loss doesn't show up on the next.  But it did!  I'm down another pound for a total of 7 since I began this venture on April fools.  It does feel good--even if I hadn't lost on the scale I was prepared to remind myself how well I've done these past three weeks--and I have!!  The most exciting thing is that I'm at the three week mark and still feeling strong and wanting to continue.  I don't expect this feeling to last forever, or even very long, so I'll seize the good moment while it lasts and do everything I can to prepare to outlast the inevitable boredom and frustrations that are bound to come.

The other good thing was that I got to teach part 2 of my 'Rebel Dieter' class for the Clearfield community center.  This is the deep stuff where ww either fears to tread or is completely oblivious to.  I only had two students--a very cute mother and daughter, but I think I may have helped them.  At the very least I think I encouraged some positive feelings about groups like overeater's anonymous--maybe my class will help them get there someday and make some changes.  It felt wonderful to share some of the things I've learned over these past 5 years.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Ticked off at Weight Watchers this morning. I'll explain in a bit.  Yesterday I was WAAAAYYYY too hungry.  I don't understand why.  For breakfast I had a slice of heavy bread from Great Harvest with PB2 (Fake peanut butter that's really good), a banana and a glass of milk.  I forgot to bring a snack--but still, that breakfast is one that usually holds me ok.  Luckily, I had some microwave popcorn here--ate that.  Then we had a fajita bar for lunch.  I was STARVING, but still managed to eat moderately. Still, that lunch should have filled me up--I had a tortilla, a big scoop of refried beans, a pretty decent helping of the steak and chicken, a little cheese, a little sour cream, lots of lettuce and lots of salsa.  For dessert I just had one of those fried chips with cinnamon and sugar.  I was by no means full, but I thought that by waiting the 20 minutes or whatever I would fill up.  NOT EVEN CLOSE.  I stayed hungry all afternoon.  By the time I went to take my final exam in psychology I was ravenous.  Blew the final with a  70% my worst grade by far this semester.  I would love to really know how much was due to being hungry and how much was due to to the fact that I didn't like the first two chapters and was tired of school anyway.  Certainly most of the blame is due to poor study, but I bet a bit can go to being hungry.  It was dumb to go in hungry---I should have made sure I was ok points or no points.  Something needs to change starting TODAY.  I've been uncomfortable about eating the activity points.  The reason being that if I just eat the daily points and the weekly 49 if I ever make a mistake and overestimate it's still ok because I have the activity points as a buffer.  I still like that thinking, but if I can't live that lifestyle, then those activity points need to be eaten.  It's better to do that than quit altogether because I'm too hungry to stick to the program.  The other fear is that in the past whenever I deviated even slightly from the ww program weight loss would stop altogether.  This made, and still makes me really angry.  It's not like I was eating tons of stuff!! It was maybe 200-300 calories over the limit--MUCH better than the 1,000-2,000 calories more I was eating before. Why a 90% effort does not yield weight loss is something that nobody has been able to anwer to my satisfaction.
Anyway--I was on the ww website figuring out my day and thinking about using activity points and maybe trying the core plan next week (limited food options, but at least I'd be full).  And I was looking at the blogs and the posts and things.  I love those--they seem to me to be full of real people posting feelings and questions about the very real challenges of weight-loss.  I commend weight watchers for their website and making it easy for people to connect.  What I wonder though is this---does anybody at ww headquarters bother to read any of these posts????  If so, I sure haven't seen it reflected in any of the meetings I've attended!!  And it's more than just the two I've been to this go around--they had an on-campus group that I attended faithfully for months and the leader there seemed clueless.  For example one post today was from a woman who had lost 95 pounds getting her all the way down to 155--my dream weight.  Life stress hit, and she was uncomfortable with the attention she got at 155.  She put the weight back on and realized that she had never thought about the challenges and differences in her life she would experience once she was at goal weight.  My question---WHERE THE HELL WAS WEIGHT WATCHERS???   Now, she's trying to lose it again and says she is really working on her issues and looking to others for knowledge and support.  Good for her!  She's on the right track I think.  It's just a shame that she can't look to the weight loss company she's been paying big dollars to to guide her through.  She deserves to have this issue addressed--everyone does, because everyone is hoping to be successful.  Over and over I read feelings and questions from people that I have never heard ww talk about. I'd like to believe that maybe I just haven't yet attended the right meeting, but judging by their literature--I don't think so.  WW has the science and they have at least realized that community is important, but they haven't begun to tap into the reasons people are overweight to begin with, let alone how to heal obesity.  For what they charge and what they claim this is completely unacceptable.  I need help.  I know I need help. And the leaders of the industry are giving me almost NOTHING.  They have figured out that to lose weight I need to eat less and move more.  Well, I already know that.  And if I could do that I would have done it years ago.  Apparently I can't do that.  And I better help than just some generic rah rah as to how I can eat less and move more.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

backed up

Yikes, didn't mean to let so many days pass! Lots to say---first of all, admiration for Sean of losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com fame--who never missed a day of blogging in the two years it took him to lose 300 lbs.  That's dedication for you--and success.

I continue to do very well!! This is much to my surprise. Still, I need to make a few changes--by way of taking my own advice.  Yesterday was another very hungry day.  I don't know how Sean did it.  He ate 1500 cal daily and never mentioned being hungry.  I AM often hungry on weight watcher portions. I'm still wrestling with the 49 weekly points.  I do usually use a few every day, but I'm afraid of using too many because of all the "exceptions" that keep rolling my way--more on this later.  I haven't been using my activity points yet because I'm both afraid and overeager--if I'm going to do this I want to do it and be done with it.  However, if I'm hungry I'm not going to last so if I need to use the activity points so be it.  I need to find time to do a little research and preparation so I can always have some low point snacks on hand for occasions like yesterday.

Meanwhile, either next week or the next I think I'll try the core plan.  This isn't something I could live with for very long, but the idea is that you can eat any food in ANY amount on a list---use the 49 for stuff that isn't on the list and actually eat until you're FULL.  This is sounding very attractive right now.  The list sounds fairly comprehensive too--all fruits, most veggies, lean meats, whole grains, some dairy.  Sounds great, until you try to put some butter on your bread or have a slice of cheese.  Still, for a week it might be fun and be a nice vacation from tracking.  I'm glad it's an option because I bore easily.

Two other random things---exceptions exceptions!!!  Good grief!  I'm so thankful for this blog!  No wonder it's been so hard to lose weight!  Literally almost everyday has some kind of "reason" to overeat.  I've still been doing well but managing these things is a challenge that I've never recognized as a challenge before.  Today is Wednesday--there is a fajita bar for lunch for Kimm's retirement also tonight Dad and Christine are coming up for belated birthday ice-cream--I've made plans for this--no rice, lots of veggies, easy on the meat the cheese, heavy on the salsa. The ice-cream is coming from my weekly points. OK.  Tomorrow the book club from work is meeting and having food from an Indian restaurant-can't skip it, my boss will be there.  Friday is graduation--with lunch.  I have to be at the graduation but I think I'll skip the buffet lunch (it wasn't that good last year anyway) and just eat normally, Saturday is another excursion to the Timbermine for a retirement party in Dave's office--I've already pre-ordered the veggie plate, I only hope the veggies are steamed, not drenched in butter.  Sunday is Easter.   No WONDER I have trouble managing my weight--every single one of these events are high calorie, delicious and tempting! But, for the moment I feel strong.

Speaking of tempting--Hungry Girl--great website and ideas, but.... what the heck????  On my nifty Nook color that I got for my birthday, I downloaded a sample of her new cookbook.  GREAT sounding recipes, Dave made Red Velvet pancakes for Sunday breakfast--simply fantastic, but they took him forever and used every dish in the house. The other night I made the Buffalo Chicken Macaroni dish.  Prep-time ten minutes.  HA!!  10 minutes if you have a team of chefs maybe, for those of us who have to thaw and cook the chicken and cook the macaroni and saute the veggies and melt the cheese and sour-cream in yet another dish before we can assemble this "simple" casserole it takes a heck of a lot longer plus leaves a big mess to clean up.  On the plus side, the casserole was really good--good enough to make again--but if all her recipes are like this, then they are only for people who love to cook.  Luckily, I do--but what about all those heavy people out there who don't?

Saturday, April 16, 2011


A sloppy finish to the week, but overall pretty well.  The egg stuffing community service we did yesterday promised pizza.  They must have been in league with WW.  Everyone got ONE piece and a bottle of water.  Ah well, it was supposed to a charitable effort after all.  We were all still pretty hungry when we finished though--(actually I would have been okay--barely, but okay),  I wanted some crazy bread and a salad to finish off the meal--but Dave and Catherine wanted to go to Tony's pizza just across the street--I was hungry enough not to argue.  So, rather than the two slices I originally planned, I had three and some garlic bread too. I rationalized it by giving myself back the points I had deducted on my birthday and also figured I had loads of unused activity points.  Sloppy---but probably reasonably okay.  I certainly didn't have as much as I would have liked. Today went according to plan, but I never got the chance to actually track anything.  Tomorrow starts a new week.  I hope I can do as well.  I figure I've got about another week before I'm completely bored with the new toys ww provides. After that I hope I can put the tracking work ww demands into the same category as getting up early for work---a necessary evil, and carry on.

Friday, April 15, 2011


OKAY THEN!!  Feeling much better today.  Stupid scale is down two pounds from last Friday's weigh-in for a total of 6 pounds! Actual results sure feel good for a change--I'm wearing my levi's today which are fitting a whole lot better than they did two weeks ago.  I just need to lose a few more pounds to get to the point where I really think I weigh.  It's ridiculous--I weigh what I weigh--this isn't just Christmas weight.  As Dave kindly pointed out--"honey, it's April".  Still....   Anyway, obviously I don't have the self discipline to not weigh--but I can at least separate what "counts" and what doesn't.  I'll make Friday mornings my "official" weigh day and that's what I'll plot on the WW site.  But for the real--this is what I've accomplished for sure---I'm only counting once a month. 

Funny, the ebb and flow of things.  I felt better yesterday hungry-wise--and I made and absolutely delicious steak salad.  Big and delicious.  Today, I feel extra content--bacon for breakfast (that always helps), and I'll be having pizza for dinner.  We're going to stuff easter eggs for the community and they're providing pizza.  It feels good to be able to have whatever's going to be served.  I'm also having some buttermilk ranch pretzel pieces with lunch.  All this dips into the extra weekly point allowance--I'm still experimenting--I've needed the extra points last week and I need them for the weekend this week too---pizza and my family is probably coming up to go for ice-cream tomorrow.  But I seem to like going over a couple of points every day too--actually, I think I just like knowing they're there without having them rigidly budgeted.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

hungry day

In my psych class we were given a very helpful assignment about challenging our automatic negative thoughts.  We had to write our thought--what emotion it triggered--what our action was--and finally, a more balanced way of thinking.  I'm glad for that assignment!! I've been relying on it heavily over the last month or so.  The most common automatic thought for me is: "That will never fill me up"  or "I've already eaten half of this and I'm still hungry!"  I've been challenging that with self talk such as  "wait and see" or--"of course I'm still hungry--I've only eaten half--eat the other half and see how it goes.  These negative messages can be powerful and they can totally overwhelm any good sense I've got when it comes to food.

Yesterday was a hungry day--my breakfast didn't stick with me and my lunch was also too light.  Nevertheless I did GREAT at my art class treat table despite the fact that my evil professor brought cheesy bread from the Pie Pizzaria--my favorite pizza joint.  I only ate ONE slice (and counted it as 5 points too), and several strawberries.  I passed up the chips, the cookies, the cake, and the other five slices of cheesy bread I would have liked to have had.  Came home and had dinner and was finally satisfied---although a long way from overful.

And what is my mind shouting at me?  Not, "great job!" rather---"I'M NOT GETTING ENOUGH!!! I NEVER GET ENOUGH ON WEIGHT WATCHERS!!! I'M TOO HUNGRY!!! HOW CAN I STICK TO THIS??? IT'S UNREALISTIC!!! etc. etc. etc. etc.  This despite the fact that I've been remarkably satisfied all last week, feeling good, and even feeling somewhat abundant as I've eaten all kinds of treats.  To compound the negative feeling I was dumb enough to get on the scale this morning--up a pound. Stupid thing to do---it might be muscle, it might be water, it might even be effects of the birthday dinner. Doesn't matter--the emotional reaction is to throw out everything good that I've been doing and feeling and go with the thought, "AAAAAA!!!!  THIS ISN'T WORKING!!!!!"  Also not helpful is the money---or rather, lack of it--so I'm feeling pinched in that way as well.  I'm glad for this blog.  It's a good place to dump feelings that would otherwise build up unnoticed until they blew up by derailing my efforts.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Good news and bad

Hmph, the bad news is that turning 47 and losing those 4 lbs knocked me down to having only 29 points rather than 30.  Weird I think.  The good news is that 29 points is the lowest I will ever have to go.  But still, it seems strange to me--I  have about 50 pounds to lose while Catherine only has about 10 and we're both on 29 points? Oh well, I'm glad I'm at the bottom--I hated losing points on the old system and now I can relax because I won't lose anymore.  Besides, I'm doing alright-29 a day when most veggies and all fruits are free plus the extra 29 plus the activity if I need it are enough.  Also surprising to me is that this venture into ww has been more about intuition than before.  Last time there really wasn't enough food.  This time there is, but I find that I need to listen carefully to what I want and how I feel.  For example this morning I had a cup of cottage cheese and a whole grapefruit and a slice of great harvest bread with butter.  This is GONE.  It's 11:30 and I'm starving.  So--the moral is that I won't have that particular combo again.  I won't say I'm enjoying learning to listen, but I appreciate it's value.  I'm also trying to prepare my mind for when I think I've done really well and I don't lose weight.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

back on the wagon

MMMM---yesterday I freely admit I was a glutton.  Fuddruckers for lunch and Olive garden for dinner.  I WAS at least enough aware to know that I really didn't want ANY dinner.  An intuitive eater would have quit.  The birthday girl enjoyed the olive garden--especially the full apple crisp dessert (we usually share).  I did do a lot of walking though and today I'm back in the swing of things.  Oddly, I'm not minding the self-imposed control of ww.  I only ate 1/2 the steak and gorgonzola entree last night--27 points for the whole thing! Tomorrow I'm having a quarter of it for lunch with a big salad and wasa crisp "garlic" bread, plus a fruit---I should be ok.  I have some weekly points and a few spare points left over in tomorrows plans to have a treat at the end of year potluck in art class if I must.  Better yet---if I can manage to take home whatever yummy thing there is then I can better enjoy it as a dessert.  I'll have some yogurt just before class so I'm not starving.

Monday, April 11, 2011


47 years old today.  That just seems like such an adult sort of number.  I never envisioned myself in the 40's. Celebrating by going to the Carl Bloch art exhibit in Provo and of course, taking the day completely off of weight watchers. Yesterday I did my longest walk yet--3 hours. For the first part I wore hiking boots because it had snowed of course and the  sidewalks were all slushy.  Today I have a blister on my right foot to show for it.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


rrrrrrrr--weight watchers meetings are still as irritating as ever.  According to MY scale I've lost 4 pounds.  According to their scale I've stayed exactly the same.  There's a good reason for this.  I weighed yesterday morning before I ate.  The ww weigh followed the heavy dinner last night (great mystery--rather disappointing dinner), plus I ate breakfast just before I went to the meeting.  So, ok I know the ww weight doesn't truly reflect what I've done. But it DOES add to the general feeling of "this is pointless."  The meeting itself was mediocre--about exercise--ww is doing a "walk it" challenge trying to get everyone to do a 5K--awesome idea, but I'm already walking the 1/2 marathon on the day.  Next year I'll do the walk it challenge with the idea of actually increasing my 5K speed but this year--whatever.  Also, I have mixed feelings about before and after pics.  In a way they're inspiring, in another way I think they can be counter productive.  I don't want to reflect on my past or current self with a "boy was I a mess!" kind of mentality.  That kind of beating up on yourself doesn't help anyone lose weight. I realize I'm overweight and I know I'll look better when I lose it, but so what? Can I not consider myself beautiful right now? Why would I WANT to take better care of myself if I am weighed down by discouragement about how awful I look now?   I'll probably go to the meeting next week, but I don't see myself as becoming a very faithful attender.  On the bright side, they got the points calculators in.  They are only 5 bucks and are quite a neat gadget.  Catherine (who lost 4 pounds!!) immediately commandered it.  It will more or less live in the kitchen this week--and I'll pick up another for myself next week.  I'm very proud of her.  And of me too--but it's hard to remember to be proud of me because of that stupid scale at weight watchers. I KNOW better than to weigh. But curiosity gets me every time (plus some self-defeating behaviors--and a strong desire to find things to complain about when it comes to ww--I still don't WANT ww to be right.  I want to be right. I better work on that attitude immediately before I go out of my way to make sure ww doesn't work.)

Friday, April 8, 2011


Hey! Down four pounds! nice to see efforts actually pay off somewhat.  Still feel a little irrational about the number though. (I should listen to myself and NOT weigh in!)  What I weighed this morning is still above what I consider that I "really" weigh--so even though I've done great this week, a large part of me feels as though this doesn't really count.  Somehow I should have dropped back to normal and then lost a few pounds beyond that.  Silly.  Part of what forced me back to ww was that my weight had NOT normalized after Christmas and other efforts were not working (at least not nearly fast enough).  I hate re-losing weight I've already lost.  I'm still 11 pounds over my all time low from the last time I joined ww.  Still--down is down is down.  Today is the mystery dinner and I have a huge number of points to use for it. That feels amazingly good--it's the control over my life I need.  Yes to appetizers! Yes to dessert! Paradoxically, I'm not particuarly hungry.  Tired, yes.  Hungry--no.  Hopefully I'll perk up to enjoy the dinner. I don't plan to pig out, but eating is a pleasure and I wouldn't want to miss out on a really good dinner. 
Another goal is to get the shopping list done before I go to dinner--it's going to involve a few changes--I've positively wolfed down every fruit and veggie in the house and we are down to nearly nothing.  Happily I don't feel all gassy and bloated like I did with the L and F plan.  It feels nice not to HAVE to eat veggies if I don't want to, although I usually choose to have plenty.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

doing well

So far, so good.  I'm doing great according to the program, but much more importantly, I'm doing great according to myself--meaning that I don't hate what I'm doing yet.  A bit surprising.  I've got a bit of a problem tomorrow. Cake with the president.  As in president of Weber State.  Every so often on one's birthday month your name gets picked out of a hat and you go to a little reception.  Very nice idea, but I don't want to be bothered with afternoon cake tomorrow.  What I really wish is that I could compare the dessert at this reception with the dessert from tomorrow's mystery dinner.  As it is, I'd rather feel free at the mystery dinner.  I'm not quite sure how to handle the reception--take just a few bites maybe? I dont' know if it would be practical to pass it up altogether?  It wouldn't be terrible if I ate two desserts, but honestly I'd rather not.  This is a very unusual feeling that I don't resent this choice.  Maybe I'm finally realizing that it is a choice that EVERY normal weight person might make--not just me.  Do you eat this dessert or that one?  That is the thinking of a slim person.  Eating them both is the thinking of someone who is overweight.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

9 point chicken

Oooof--this week is a little tough because I made the menu without considering points other than just the generally healthy stuff I usually do.  The chicken dinner was a new recipe--very good, but 1/6 of the pan was 9 points.  Too much.  It wasn't 9 points good, and it wasn't plentiful enough. I won't make that again. Still, I'm doing well resentment wise---although I do have to remind myself that it isn't weight watchers fault that I'm overweight, and they didn't invent the human body.  Oddly, at the moment I'm feeling slightly MORE free than I did even trying the Lean and Free.  The new program strikes me as a lot more realistic--last time I felt like I needed to divide all my extra weekly points to have some everyday just to survive so there was never any left over for special meals or treats.  This time, the normal points (which will only decrease by 1 when I lose weight) are pretty much enough.  I've been going over by just a point or two and I haven't even touched my activity points.  My meals are looking pretty good too---today for example breakfast was oatmeal with crunchy cereal on top, milk, grapefruit and hotchocolate, lunch will be three slices of C's homemade sourdough with fake peanut butter (I like the fake stuff though), a banana and a cabbage salad. Snack of wasa crisps and a laughing cow cheese. Dinner is sloppy joes--1/4 of the pan and oven fries.  I think I'll go three points over and have the reeses peanut butter cup for lunch "dessert".   On Friday, I'm going to a murder mystery dinner at a steak house.  I'll actually have plenty of points to enjoy this!!!  I'll have at least 35 extra---plus the normal 12 or so I'd use for dinner normally--this means I'm free to have steak, a potato with sour cream, salad, dessert and some fun at the appetizer table too.  Looking ahead--the future seems ok.  We usually have pizza on Friday--one slice of Papa Murphy's pepperoni (1/8) is about 10 points.  That's way expensive point-wise, but it's been easy this week to save up a bunch--it looks like I can have pizza and chocolate chip cookies too.  This helps me relax and feel good about my efforts.  One thing I don't like though is that by planning ahead I "use" all my points for the day before the day's even begun.  It's only 11:00 a.m. but I'm already 3 points over my limit! AAAAAAAA!!!!!  Of course I haven't eaten nearly what I've planned, but it feels alarming because I'm hungry now and lunch is an hour away!  What am I going to do???? How will I survive????  Oh right.  I'll be eating quite a lot shortly.  Phew. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I think I don't want to eat whole cans of progresso beef stew again.  The chicken noodle is fine--but that beef leaves me feeling---odd.  I did very well yesterday--ate plentifully and on track and loved the treat of a Reeses peanut butter cup.  I had my night class and so planned a snack before the class since I wouldn't have dinner until late. WHOA--I guess I REALLY needed that snack.  I ate it, but was still tired and irritable. I thought I needed something else--and I think I really did, so I looked up the points for a 1/2 a sleeve of almonds that I had and ate those even though it put me over by a point and blew my wiggle room for dinner.  It was the right decision.  It took about an hour, but I finally felt a little better.  I think both the Reeses and the almonds were a good step toward becoming a better intuitive eater.  I really wanted the chocolate and my body really wanted the nuts.  I satisfied both. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

orange rolls and fajitas

Second day--not bad.  It's general conference--that means those yummy orange rolls from the tube.  My preference is to eat about 5 or 6, but even I'm willing to admit that a serving of two is reasonable.  I had two, and also two fajitas for dinner and a BLT for lunch plus other goodies.  I made sure to put in a 1/2 hour on the wii so I could have one more point for the day and I'm really ok---more than ok right now in fact.  I made some yummy apple pie things with phyllo dough.  YUM!  Another benefit, Catherine picked up some weight over Christmas and it's sticking.  She's quite excited and has been calculating points and following along.  The WW tracking system might work really well for her---she loves lists and checking things off.  She's trying to fit into a graduation dress--I'll do all I can to help her.  I do love my daughter and I want to set a better example for her.  Some nice surprises---horseradish sauce is almost nothing!  Bacon and ham are doable too.  Pita bread, which I love, is also fine, and C made some sourdough bread which turns out to be only 1 pt a slice. Today, I'm grateful for hope and people and organizations that try to help.  I realize that I'm in the "honeymoon" phase.  I've been here before--this will wear off in a week or two to be replaced by drudgery and boredom.  However, I think I'm more prepared for the long haul---I KNOW this will take a long time, I KNOW I won't like it, and I know I'll be discouraged by lack of success, but also derailed by having some success and wanting to relax and think it's enough.  I don't trust myself yet to say that I'm determined to make it---I never have before after all, but I'm encouraged.  Worst case, at least my clothes will start to fit again before I fall off the wagon. Tomorrow I want a reeses peanut butter cup.  I very rarely have them--maybe I will find ways to have them more often.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

first day ww

Well----not bad.  All fruits free and almost all veggies really helps.  Plus I feel as though 49 extra points a week is reasonably generous and I can earn as many extra activity points as I want.  Still... this is going to be hard.  I have that feeling right now that tells me 1. I'm losing weight and 2. I'd like to munch on something.  But, it's hard to feel too deprived with what I've eaten today---2 slices of toast with butter, banana, milk, roast beef tortilla wrap, apple, 1/2 fat slice of hot parmesan bread from great harvest, 1 cup of brown rice, about 25 wontons with soy sauce and chinese sauce, a big cabbage salad with feta cheese and olives, and an evening bowl of strawberries and milk.   Tomorrow promises orange rolls, a bacon sandwich and fajitas plus a new mini apple turnover reciepe. Not bad--but very conscious.
The online website is genuinely impressive--although I haven't figured out all the glitches yet.  The meeting for newbies was only slightly irritating.  It's good to hear of success, on the down side the big guy said he gets 63 points! (I get 30) The leader made a comment about how men get more and it's unfair but, "we won't go there!"   Oh yeah???  WHY NOT???  That sort of unfair feeling is exactly where a weight meeting SHOULD go! Granted, there wasn't time today, but these meetings never get to the real issues.  However, they DO have support and GREAT recipies, if not the actual POINTS CALCULATOR to buy!!  Lucky I have access to the internet or else I'd be relying on the extremely limited booklet.  Apparently WW was surprised at the demand for the calculator.  HUH? It's THE major tool. I'd imagine most would want it.  Also, the leader made a big deal about how we no longer count points.  Whatever.  Now we count "points plus"--which is exactly the same principle only made a bit harder because carbs and protein are factored in.  These little "disconnects" really bug me.  I'm doing my best to remember that weight watchers is not infested with trolls out to spoil my fun.  LOTS of people there have lost weight and kept it off. Thank goodness though for OA and the gospel, and this blog, and also the message boards on ww who are inhabited by real people!

Friday, April 1, 2011

a little last supper

Oh well, a few "last supper" type of behaviors, but really although probably bad calorically, not too awful  psychologically.  I mean, I wasn't just wolfing down everything in sight because I joined weight watchers.  I must admit I'm moderately impressed with the online tools--neat calculators--and great message boards--and of course, great recipes.  We'll see how the week goes--today looking at it without having faced any temptation yet--the new plan seems doable--30 points as a base line plus 49 extra a week, plus exercise points and fruits and most veggies are free.  Seems I ought to be able to manage that.