Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

121 lemon bars

Ahhhhh, basking in a new low weight.  Also basking in the thought of the upcoming "I can eat until I'm full--darn it! happy feelings.  Not that the core plan is easy.  Only 7 points a day to use on things like butter, cheese, sugar and most breads. Still....all fruits and veggies, meats (except bacon), and low and fat free dairy are allowed.  Tonight I'm saving all 7 points to use at dinner time--we're having fajitas---I can have all the beans and fajitas I want, but the chips, cheese and tortilla will be limited.  No problem--I like fajita salad with chips.  And I just had a brainwave---LEMON BARS--if I make them with splenda I can have a big piece for only 2 points this week (eggs are free).  That means lemon bars and milk for dessert!  For exercise I got up and helped Catherine with the paper route. I might do a little wii too. 

Saturday, July 30, 2011

120 DOWN!!

WHOA!!!!  Prophetic words yesterday!!! My body IS trying to help me. 191 this morning!!! I didn't feel particularly light either.  Mostly I was hoping to see 193 again because we went out for a little late night ice-cream.  Our oven has been on the fritz for a long time.  About 6 months ago the little knob where you set the temperature broke off--so we've been having to fiddle with it manually.  Then every day it takes longer and longer and longer for the oven to heat up. These days it takes about an hour for the oven to get to 350.  It's a gas oven and I'm a little worried about carbon monoxide besides the inconvenience.  For some reason we have extra in checking so we went to Sears and bought  a brand new beautiful oven.  $600--ouch, but we really needed it. Delivery on Tuesday.  I can't wait!  Afterward, I had three points left for the day so we went to Farrs--where you choose which soft serve you want (cheesecake and brownie for me) and the toppings then pay for it by weight.  I had a very modest amount, but surely more than 3 points worth.  So I am extremely happy with this today!  It's Saturday--I plan to work on Catherine's room, make a visiting teaching visit or two and fix a nice dinner for Catherine (she's coming back from her road trip with Lisa). A happy, busy day ahead where I'll bounce around feeling as light as a feather.

Friday, July 29, 2011

119 the rebel

Friday and 193---again.  I was undone by the bear claw ice-cream.  I think I'm getting a little better though.  I don't feel so punished by the scale as I usually do when things like this happen. The feeling is often that I have to work and work and work to see the slightest downward movement, but should I slip up and have, God forbid, two bowls of ice-cream, then the scale zooms merrily upward.  Hard not to hate that.  But writing this blog is helping me to see that while this feeling is very real is simply isn't based on truth. It's hardly as if the ice-cream is the only "slip" I've had over the last 119 days.  In fact, I'm beginning to see that my body is working as hard as it possibly can to regain it's normal weight despite all that I do to sabotage it. 

A couple of other helpful thoughts. I don't feel repentant about the ice-cream. Hence, the rebel. I simply don't want to live a life where I can never indulge like that.  One of the reasons I'm trying to lose the weight is so I don't become diabetic and can't indulge for real. I never thought of it like that!  I'm losing weight so can I PRESERVE my indulgences!  I like that! What am I working toward?--Being fit and healthy and beautiful---and so much in control of food, that I can thoroughly enjoy it in exactly the right amounts for me most of the time, but am still FREE to go to the fair and have deep-fried butter (no kidding, that's a real food), or the occasional huge bowl of bear-claw ice-cream, or a major movie food orgy. 

Also, 193 is exactly where the insurance expects me to be at this point.  So it's sort of like a fresh start.  My guess is that they'll set another 7 pound target for me--186 by the end of September.  That is an exciting number!!!!  On the one hand it frustrates me that the process is so slow, but on the other hand I guess I don't really want it any other way--if I went any faster I couldn't have movie popcorn. Also---anything below 193 is new weight.  I haven't been 186 for so long that I can hardly even dream of it and yet it is well within reach.  EASY reach!! Just seven pounds.  Since last Monday was a holiday I didn't get together with Kayla for weight training. We're starting this coming Monday. Perfect.  If it causes me to put on a pound or two in the beginning that's okay because I'm at the beginning of the new goal. I have great hopes for the weight training--not so much weight loss, but I think I'll be looking and feeling a whole lot better.

Today and tomorrow I'm counting points, but come Sunday I am going back to the core plan for a little while so I can freely eat steak and potatoes and drink all the milk I want!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

118 ice-cream

Oooops.  Co-worker brought bear-claw ice-cream to the potluck yesterday.  Normally, I'm not huge ice-cream eater--I'm more of a warm cookie sort of person.  But I've been craving chocolate like crazy lately and this sort of ice-cream is my favorite---with loads of chunky stuff thrown in.  I had two bowlfuls.  Ooops. It was really satisfying though---at least I wasn't just eating to be eating.  Also on the bright side--my stomach wasn't particularly happy shortly afterward.  THAT's a change! Normally, a mere two bowls of ice-cream would never cause even a blip on the body register--let alone an actual stomach ache. 

The other oops was the bread---somebody brought a bag of little sourdough baguette slices.  Have I ever ranted about bread on this blog? How is American bread so popular???  Ick! Blech! It's basically bags of sliced glue. If you hold up a slice it flops over, and when you eat it it squashes and gums up.  The texture is all wrong.  This is an area where you definitley get what you pay for--cheap American bread is horrible.  Expensive American sliced bread is still horrible, but much less so.  How can Americans travel the world--go to places like FRANCE--see real bakeries and come back to wonder bread blech? 
Anyway--the little sourdough slices were little bits of heaven--I love real bread.  I ate.....I don't know...at least 12--maybe more like 20.  Happily, every one else seemed to be going for the standard cheapo white American hamburger bun.  That was easy to pass up.  But sourdough?  No way.  The ice-cream was something of an abberation for me.  But the bread---at least nobody brought cheese or sausage.  If they had, I would have been completely undone.

But, back on the wagon right away.  I walked home.  Had a very modest dinner (wasn't hungry), worked on painting Catherine's room and planned out today. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

117 Still down with a potluck

A new day, I feel a little better.  It helped to have an RS meeting last night to take me out of myself a little bit.  A good and funny mystery also helps and Dave is being sweet too.  Still--difficult emotions are all the more difficult when not buried in food. I think RS will help a lot with my family.  The problems of all the people in the ward FAR exceed my ability to solve or even to help much, and yet I'm called to do what I can.  Ok.  Same prinicple with my family.  I was thinking a little bit about why I would rather have my teeth drilled than spend time with them.  Easy answer--pain, guilt, guilt and guilt.

It's painful to see the situation.  Then doing anything at all only underscores how very little whatever I've done is---it's a drop of water in the Sahara, it also illustrates clearly how very much I've failed in the past, in addition should I make an inevitable mistake--say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, then I've compounded the difficulties. To further deter me is the very real feeling that anything I do genuinely doesn't matter anyway--no one notices. But the worst is that I can't be honest--my reactions of anger and grief are first of all way out of porportion to whatever trivial event triggers them and second I would never want to express these feelings anyway because Mom has already beat me to it shredding any possible hope of recovery with an endless barrage of criticism. The last thing that anyone needs is verification from me of how badly they have let me down too.  It's impossible to be fair or even honest anyway--I'm far too enmeshed to see things clearly and even if I was a wise outsider, I don't believe anyone short of God himself could untangle the bad from the good.  I feel like the best I can possibly do is to hang on to any good thing I can find (an increasingly shrinking margin).  And I should do a whole lot more by way of making friends with Riley, and spending time with my sisters and helping Mom around the house.

Enough.  This is far more personal than probably should be on a public blog anyway. But I'm sure this sort of thing is where the roots of my weight problem lie (some variant of --family failed me so somehow I am entitled to have anything else I want), and no one but me reads this blog.

Food-wise--pot luck at work!  My plan is to call it 15 points and enjoy it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

116 feeling slim and sorry for myself

Weight-wise I feel great.  The mind is a funny thing--i did NOT get on the scale today--I didn't want to ruin my beautiful 192 by having retained water or anything, and as I got dressed today I felt longer and sleeker.  It's a great feeling. Other feelings are not so great---techincally nothing to do with food, but part of the emotional climate.  Mom starts chemo today.  Worried about her and hoping against hope that she'll tolerate it well. I wish I could confine my worries to this though. I can't help but think how refreshing this problem with cancer is.  It's nobody's fault, it's relatively easy to know what to do (go through the treatment).  Unlike my father and sister who choose to live in their own personally created sewer and raise my poor nephew in that environment. What to do or think there I have no idea. That is the problem that weighs on my mind and makes Mom's cancer seem like nothing.  And I resent that. I want to be free to have something as horrible as cancer BE the main worry of my life. So I feel guilty that in a very real way I'm not at all worried about Mom (that is that I have faith that whaever happens will be okay), and even more guilty that I'm not doing anything for Dad or Christine or Riley.  So the answer is to do something right?  Right. I can think of a few things and if I did them no doubt more ideas would suggest themselves. I do NOT want to do them.

I have an unhappy feeling that whether or not I do them will have a direct impact on my weight loss success. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

115 DOWN

YES!!!!   192!!  Yes, hooray!!  FINALLY!!!   This is a major breakthrough!!  I haven't weighed this little since Catherine was born 18 years ago.  Every pound from here on out is "new" weight lost.  YES! YES! YES!!!!!  I don't know if it's because I'm in a good mood or what, but today when I planned out my food, I seemed to have plenty of points for a change.  We all have the day off for the 24th of July weekend.  Dave got me up a little earlier than I had wanted to ask if I wanted to walk a 5K with him.  Not really---but I went anyway because it was going to be much hotter later.  Then he fixed me french toast with fat french bread that Catherine brought back from camp.  I topped it with bananas and raspberrries and it looked quite fabulous--we ate it while watching the 24th of July parade on TV.   Now, I'm going to tape Catherine's room so we can paint it.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

114 hungry

Here's an obvious truth.  Being hungry makes it hard to stay on a diet. One of the things I really like about eating is being hungry and looking forward to a big meal knowing that I can have as much as I want and that I'll feel content and even luxurious afterward.  That does NOT happen on weight watchers--at least not very often.  It's difficult to be hungry, be looking forward to a meal knowing that I'll be almost as hungry when I finish as I am when I started.  No contentment, no luxury feelings--just a hope that in 20 minutes or so I will feel adequate.  This would be ok if it were just one meal--but it isn't--it's probably going to be most meals for the rest of my life.  No wonder people can't lose weight.

Okay--now a return to reason--one NICE thing about being on a diet is that I actually do feel hungry before a meal--left to myself I'm rarely hungry and so never enjoy food so well as I do now.  Also, it isn't true that I'm never full--truth be told, I'm probably more full than not, it's just when it's not that it seems to overwhelm the other times.  Especially when I should be full.  Tonight's dinner--steak, fried onions,  masked potatoes, corn on the cob, watermelon.  Should have done the trick right? Nope. I ate reasonable servings--the kind that would fill up normal people.  I made some of my "baseball" rolls that I love and ate one even though it put me over points and I'll have to make it up.  Oh well. On the bright side--I also made warm chocolate melting cakes.  These were my favorite thing on our cruise a few  years ago and the Cooking Light people came up with a recipe that's really good.  The magazine recipe is supposed to make 10 servings.  That recipe usually makes 4 servings for me.  It would have been a 13 point dessert.  Not totally un-doable, but a strain.  I compromised---I did have smaller ramekins downstairs--I made a 1/2 recipe and divided that into four servings .  And you know what?  It was okay!  We each had our own little melting cake and it didn't look unduly tiny or anything.  It was fine, in fact.  I'm toying with the idea that I don't need dessert every day (I prefer dessert with every meal--once a day is actually cutting back), I often do make do with a little 2 pt piece of chocolate or something.  If I manage right I could save up 15 or 16 points for a really nice piece of something on Sundays.  A thought.  The other thought is that next week I'm going back on the other plan, where I can eat as much as I want off of a limited menu---however, since that menu includes milk and meat right now it sounds awfully attractive. 114 days and still trying.  This is a record for sure.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

113 A pizza compromise

FINALLY saw The King's Speech fabulous movie with lots of my beloved actors in it. Can't figure out why it's rated R--but also a little sad that anything with bad language isn't rated R.  Anyway---I was STARVED whe I got home last night.  Foolishy way too hungry. I'm hungry now too, and I just finished lunch.  Sigh.  I wish I didn't always want to eat more than I should eat.  Last night was not on plan, but still a huge improvement on what I might have eaten otherwise.  As pre-planned me and Dave shared a wise-guy calzone--these things are huge (though I could have easily eaten a whole one).  I wanted to get some of their famous cheesy bread which is to die for, but instead just ordered 2 slices of cheesy garlic toast.  Over points I'm sure, but a controlled reasonable amount, paired up with a gigantic salad it was a great and satisfying dinner.  Today I'm off kilter because I got up at 4:15 and did Catherine's paper route--a nice walk. I was a little hungry when I got home and decided to have breakfast then although it was early, with the idea that I would sleep better on a full stomach.  Mistake. As part of breakfast I had a big glass of water and some milk and some juice and I was up every hour going to the bathroom.  Now it's 2:15 and I want to take a nap.  Tonight we're having tacos, and since Catherine just got back from girl's camp it naturally triggered a desire to have s'mores too.  It's all planned out point-wise and I had a light lunch, which seemed satisfying at the time, but is not sticking at all now.  Oh well.  It probably means that at least I'm losing weight.  One thing I'm continuing is buying really expensive fancy cheese.  I just had an ounce of an imported blue cheese.  Delicious. I'm trying hard to be thankful for it (I really am) and not just wishing for three more helpings.  I seem to have a very high tolerance for rich foods--yes, I do reach the point where eventually another piece of chocolate doesn't sound good--but that's only after Christmas Day or something where I've already eaten about a pound of godiva. Ditto cheese, fudge, sauces.  Again feeling very thankful that I don't weigh 300 plus pounds.  I can't figure out why I don't.

Friday, July 22, 2011

112 Aw Heck

Weigh Day and 193---Again.  This is what I weighed before the Aruba trip and it's what I weigh today. Sigh.  However, I don't think it's really a plateu.  I think it's just taken some time for my body to process what I ate in Aruba--plus last Saturday's Harry Potter feast.  I don't like that it's been this slow and I badly want that one more pound to break into new territory, but at least I'm sitting at my bottom weight which is a nice place to enjoy.  The only thing that has me worried is that on Monday I'm going to start a strength training program. Worried isn't the right word---I want to build strength and add some muscle, this will only help me to lose weight and make it easier to maintain the loss, but in the short run it might make me gain weight. Seems like everything in the short run makes me gain weight.

I've also been pretty much eating my max points and although I've been faithfully walking to work everyday, (a reasonable workout) I haven't been doing more than that. Still, I don't feel as though I need/want to make too many adjustments just now other than adding the strength training. I'm going to enjoy splitting a calzone from the PIE with Dave tonight and feel slim and happy at 193, then keep on working along until I see that magic 192.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

111 Choices

111 days--it feels like a long time, but yet it isn't. I'm always surprised that it takes so long to relearn habits or start new ones.  I feel like I've been trying this attempt at weight loss forever, but it hasn't even been very long.  Just 111 days.  Probably the number one difference for me isn't just making better choices, it's acknowledging that there even ARE choices to be made.  Today, for example---I was thinking of having popcorn with my lunch--but that gets a little pricey point-wise once I add the oil--so I decided between cheetos and a corn snack.  Choosing feels weird.  What feels natural is to have the popcorn AND the cheetos and corn snack.  For dinner I'm trying a new recipe--spinach and black bean eggrolls.  Choice---do I want cheesecake for dessert or do I want to skip dessert and have more eggrolls? The natural woman wants as many eggrolls as I want AND the cheesecake too.

And yet, choosing is a natural thing too---I do it all the time.  I can't buy everything I want at the store.  I can't do everything I want to in a day.  I can't vacation everywhere at once.  What do I choose?  The fact that choices are everywhere helps me not to feel resentful about food choices.  I can feel myself slowly accepting that its normal and natural to think in terms of what I want---do I want a side of cottage cheese OR yogurt? Cake OR a cookie? A big lunch OR a big dinner? 

All of this is so very fragile still.  I'm thankful I have my whole life to work on it. 
Also, good news! Mom is doing much much better!!  She seemed like her old self yesterday--and the chemo sounds like it's going to be less frightful than anticipated--she probably won't lose her hair or feel very nauseous.  I hope so.  I've been praying that she can go to Hawaii--and it looks as though she might make it. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

110 Thankful

I spent some time yesterday with friend from church who really has serious trouble with her weight--she's well over 300 lbs and is getting worse.  She feels out of control and has reached the point where she can't use normal bathroom stalls because they are too small. I am so relieved and grateful that I have been spared that.

Wow---even as I type that--and I do mean it with all my heart--a part of me is wondering how bad would that be? Just to be really big--but able to eat whatever I want all the time?  Maybe it would be worth it? I can't believe part of me thinks that way.  One thing I know for sure--the difference between me and my friend is very small.  I've read enough books and blogs to recognize much of my own distorted thinking in the lives of people who weigh 400 plus pounds. What keeps me relatively slim? And what keeps truly slim people that way?  One thing is just the difference in where one has their brakes set.  I wouldn't eat two burgers at Burger King.  I just wouldn't.  When I was growing up it just wasn't done.  I was very lucky. I could so easily have kept on getting worse when I hit 228--I was out of control.  My poor sister HAS kept getting worse.

Anyway--it would be awful to weigh 300+ pounds--and I bet it would surprise me in a thousand unpleasant ways how limiting that would be.  Afraid to sit in any chair.  No hikes to waterfall canyon. No seeing timpanogos cave. No clothes off the rack. No feeling attractive--ever.  No using a regular bathroom. Acid reflux. No deep breath. No good night's sleep. No flying in an airplane. No movies--not even Harry Potter. NO DISNEYLAND!!  (That alone makes me never want to be that fat). No easy self-care--how does one clip ones toenails? No sitting on the floor to do a jigsaw puzzle. No playing the harp (Can't have fat fingers). No walks on a summer evening. No riding in any old car--and no wearing a seatbelt.  No good employment (hard to find jobs), No eating in any restaurant you want--it can't have booths or flimsey chairs. No snorkeling in Aruba. No putting up Christmas lights. No attending any event in a stadium. No Nothing!  And in the end not even very good food--can't stand for long to cook, can't run to the store if you're out of an ingredient. Endless health problems. Endless personal problems that I can't even imagine. A nightmare.

How horrible to be so imprisoned. How thankful today that I am relatively free. I can do anything, go anywhere.  And I CAN make good food and exercise choices.  Listening to my friend, she really isn't at the point where she can make better choices--Exercise is much harder for her than it is for me, her husband isn't supportive, her habits are much worse, her computer connections aren't good.  Everything healthful is alien to her and she is profoundly discouraged.  A five pound loss for me will make a visible difference--more than a 50 pound loss for her.  I'm grateful today that I am at the bottom of the weight watchers alloted point system.  I will never drop below 29 points. And I'm so thankful that I feel full and happy at 29.  Yes, I whine a lot, and yes it's hard, but it is POSSIBLE for me and that isn't true for everybody. 

Today feels rich and abundant.  For breakfast I had two slices of a raisin nut bread that my friend gave me, a banana, no cal juice, and milk.  For lunch I'll have a cabbage salad with olives, pepperocini, feta cheese and dressing, 4 wasa crisps and brie cheese to spread on them and 1 big reeses peanut butter cup.  This will leave me 12 points for dinner and that's an ok amount.

I'm about 45 pounds overweight.  A problem, but rather than being trapped in a small dark prison cell, I'm wandering far out in the grounds feeling the sun and the wind and working on lock on the gate that will free me forever. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

109 hmmph dilemma

Oh really.  Serves me right for weighing on a Tuesday, especially when I'm not feeling light. 195.  Hmmph.  At first I was proud that I was handling that number without any drama--it's just a fact.  But--1/2 an hour and a half later I'm still stewing so I suppose the drama is well and healthy.  I want to see 192!!  Well, you say, you had a major junk food orgy on Saturday.  Yes--but as orgy's go I think it was relatively moderate--I did eat the whole pastrami sandwich and the side of jr's and the grasshopper shake.  But I was pretty full after that--we ordered a large popcorn and between the three of us we didn't even eat a quarter of it, and I didn't eat very much candy either. At MOST I'd say the whole thing was what? 5,000 calories? That would equal a pound and a half--but I also hiked up waterfall canyon---a solid hour uphill.  And, I was too full to eat any dinner that night, and I've gotten right back on track.  Of course it's only Tuesday, so maybe this is just a flux upward, but the Tuesday weigh is usually a pretty good predictor of Friday so I'm irritated.  Sigh.  This project really is going to take a couple of years.  The dilemma for losing weight is this: it seems that unless I am actually hungry much of the time I don't lose anything. So, to be hungry or not?  I hate being hungry.  For breakfast today I had bacon, eggs and toast. All within points, but a reactionary solid breakfast. I DON'T want to be hungry and I DO want to lose weight.  I guess that breakfast was a way of saying to my body---"look, I'm going to eat this--ww says this is fine and I darn well expect you to cooperate." 

Monday, July 18, 2011

108 picnic

Missed blogging yesterday.  I don't like missing this--I'm astounded at how important writing this out every day has been for me.  Anyway--I had a lovely on-track day yesterday.  Every year Weber State puts on a pops concert and fireworks and yesterday we went for the first time.  An amazing amount of people came! We were allowed to bring blankets and chairs after 6 p.m. We got there about 6:45 (the concert wasn't due to start until 9:00 and the fireworks at 10:00).  There were a number of families camped out on the grassy area in front of the hospital across the street from WSU.  There was a perfect  view of the whole sky, so we staked out our spot on a shady hill and just relaxed.  I had budgeted my points to have a really good picnic---roast beef on rye sandwich, pickles, olives, deviled eggs, fruit, cheetos (28 to be exact), carrots and four chocolate chip cookies.  Counting things out like the cheetos is a bit of a double edged sword.  I suspect I wouldn't have eaten as many as 28 cheetos yesterday, but they were counted and I was allowed and I'm not mature enough yet to not eat a full serving just because I'm full.  On the other hand, I would have eaten more than four cookies--so I suppose it all washes out in the end.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

106 Harry Potter

The end of an era--I remember when  I first discovered Harry Potter--long before the series became a sensation. Things went according to plan---I got up early and with Dave hiked up to waterfall canyon--a lovely hike, it makes me very happy that I'm fit enough that I CAN do that hike.  Lots of people were on the trail this morning, and I felt like the hike was a bit shorter than the last time.  I had a little trouble getting down though--too many loose rocks. I've have arthritis in both knees--so far it doesn't bother me except that I can't do things like deep knee bends.  Taking big steps to get up or down a big rock is a little difficult too.  So I was moving like an old lady on the way down. Worth it though.

Then we went to the last Harry Potter movie and I had my food orgy too.  It was a little disappointing though--the sandwich wasn't grilled very well.  The popcorn and the shake were great though.  One nice thing about being on a diet is that eventually when you do splurge it takes much less to satisfy you. The last time I had this particular combo of food I could have easily eaten a second sandwich and many more jr's.  This time I almost couldn't finish the sandwich, and I didn't want any more. I don't think I'll be wanting much dinner either.

Friday, July 15, 2011

105 boredom

Psycology is a weird thing.  Sure enough, as soon as I wrote yesterday that the day presented no particular problems, I was hit with boredom.  It wasn't bad staying on plan, but I'd still rather not, and by saying that yesterday would be easy it opened up all kinds of thought on how much easier (and more pleasant!) it would be to not be on the plan at all! I bet its these exact type of feelings that sabotage people once they get to goal weight.  I'm positive I'll want to relax and enjoy my achievement--it will be a HUGE achievement and I don't think I'll want to celebrate by continuing to do even more work that I never wanted to do in the first place.  The closer I get the more I'll need to work on these feelings, and make darn sure that most of what will keep me at goal weight really will be things that I want to do. I don't know if today's meal planning was reactionary, but it seemed that I could hardly put anything together without racking up gigantic points. 

Anyway, today is an official weigh-day. 193--exactly where I need to be by the end of the month for the insurance--exactly where I was before vacation, down one pound from last week and a tie for the lowest weight from the last time I was on WW.  HUGE difference in the way I feel about it though.  I was miserable on ww last time.  The diet was unliveable for me.  Their new program is much better--semi-livable now.  I'm excited for the future---not excited enough to enjoy working for what I want, but excited just the same.

Today's challenge is our regular Friday night pizza and the ward pie and watermelon social.  My plan for the social is simple--make it a watermelon social.  Luckily for me pie is not nearly so much of a weakness as cookies.  Also, since I know now that my peach pie is 15 points a slice that makes me much less inclined to indulge--talk about racking up fat and calories.  I read that fitness guru, Jack Lalane once bragged in an interview that he hadn't had dessert since 1922.  Apparently dessert is not necessary to sustain life.  The other thing that I hope will help me be strong tonight is that I plan to have a major indulgence tomorrow.   I'm going to see Harry Potter 7 part 2.  I can NOT wait.  Catherine went to the midnight viewing and woke me up at 3:00 a.m. to tell me it was amazing.  The movie theater here sells terrific junk food.  I think I wrote about this a few days ago, but I'm looking forward to this enough to repeat!  Lunch will be---a fat pastrami and swiss sandwich with jr's (a kind of fry) and lots of fry sauce, a large popcorn with lots of butter, a shake with oreos and other add ins and a side of candy---snowcaps maybe? or something with nuts and chocolate? A serious question!   Depressing to think that this "lunch" will probably have more calories and be worse for me than a thanksgiving dinner, but I don't care.  I'm a huge Harry Potter fan--and a huge food fan and the chance to combine the two is something I don't want to miss. I also simply don't want to live a life where I would have to always miss out on stupid junk-food orgies. To help mitigate the damage I am planning to get up early and hike up waterfall canyon. It's a substantial hike and I'm hoping it will rev up my metabolism plus burn a few calories too.  I'm determined to have my orgy and weight loss too.  I plan to work hard and next week report that I'm in new weight loss territory.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

104 A normal day

Today is one of those rare days that I would consider "normal"---I got up, walked to work and will go home and have dinner and then go to an RS meeting. So no particular temptations.  I was pleased with my reactions last night.  I went to SLC and was walking back to the train station through the Gateway mall which takes me past the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.  As usual, I was depressed after visiting family and the chocolate dipped cheesecake from the Factory is awfully good. But I wasn't hungry, and I knew the desire was mostly due to being a little down. I walked on past and it wasn't that big of a temptation.  I was rewarded too---I just barely caught the train, had I stopped, I would have missed it. 

So today for breakfast I made my cream of wheat with water, because I've been missing having a glass of milk. Not sure yet which way I like better.  Lunch will be some zero point soup and TWO big pieces of naan one will be topped with Brie cheese and the other with mozzarella.  YUM. I also have a pear. Dinner will probably be sloppy joes and I have enough points for a piece of cheesecake after my meeting. 

On the whole it's good.  I still dislike controlling what I eat, but I'm really enjoying feeling slim and having looser clothing, even better is looking forward to smaller sizes to come.  I like the idea of sometime becoming master of this problem.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

103 Junk food

I seem to be on a junk food kick--I blame the cheetos.  It's all good though.  It's not like I'm eating junk food only.  I wouldn't get too much if that's all I was eating on WW! So, there's still plenty of the good stuff and I'm actually sort of pleased with the junk food kick.  If I can ever get to the point where I don't have to watch every tiny thing and can just more or less live at goal weight--I would expect to follow some natural ebb and flows--like now a bit heavy on the junkfood, maybe next week craving the dairy products--some weeks hungrier, other weeks not so much.  I want to learn to follow these rythmns (within reason).  I'm sure that following these natural inclinations will be more healthful overall and also a lot more satisfying.  Today will certainly be satisfying I think.  For breakfast I had one of those lemon muffins and a banana ( a surprisingly filling choice), Lunch will be a big slice of Papa Murphys stuffed chicago pizza and a big cabbage salad with Ken's light Italian dressing (really good) and olives, with a fun-size candybar for dessert. And dinner will be three roadside tacos from downtown to eat on the train to SLC to see Mom.  The tacos will be better than what the trucks actually offer.  I have a bag of homemade tortilla chips since I don't like the limp oily corn tortillas they offer (yea! the healthier choice is actually a preferred choice!), I'll get the meat only and load it up with pico de gallo, fresh limes, cilantro, charred jalapenos and sides of green salsa.  I'm also bringing along 2 ounces of cheddar cheese (some fairly big slices) to eat along with the meat and chips.  This will be fun---I love the train--Dave is taking Catherine to BYU today to mess around, so I'll be on my own and can relax eat and finish the book The Firm by John Grisham while I travel and enjoy dinner.

 I know I'm breaking a cardinal diet rule, "never do anything else while you eat like reading or watching TV."  Reading is my weakness on this one, and realistically, I'm not planning to change that anytime soon.  Maybe I'm just rationalizing, but I think I handle it ok--that is that I don't HAVE to eat just because I'm reading.  Reading alone is enough, but if it's a mealtime anyway and I'm alone, I don't think I eat any more just because I have a book. But maybe I'm wrong.  I think the idea is that if I were to concentrate on my food then I would more easily register what I am eating and therefore be fuller sooner and stop sooner.  I don't know.  I think if I want to read and can read but choose not to because of food, I think I would just be annoyed and those feelings would pile into my already sufficiently loaded reservoir of dieting hostility.  I AM willing to maybe look up more often and savor what I have--that would actually increase the satisfaction with both worlds.  The only downside there is that I'm already the world's slowest eater.

Incidentally, fast eating is one fat person habit that I just don't get.  I love to eat, therefore I always want the food to last as long as possible.  Even at a buffet--I love the experience of eating so I want to enjoy the experience for every minute that I'm there.  The fun would be lost if I just inhaled quickly without even tasting or enjoying what I have.  Unfortunatley I don't think my slow eating actually translates into eating less.  You know how you're supposed to feel full after 20 minutes?  Well, that might be true, but there is full and there is full.  The 20 minute full point is super easy to override--like many fat people I simply don't care if I'm full.  What has that got to do with anything?  I want to EAT because eating feels good. If I ever stuff myself to the point where I literally can't eat anymore, I always regret that I can't eat more if the food is good.  I wonder if thin people understand this at all?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

102 part 2

Okay---weight watchers forgiven--mostly.  Customer service through e-mail is still lame, but I talked to a human and YES I can sign up for e-tools only.  She switched me over and hooray!!! My information wasn't lost!!!!  I still wish I had a treadmill though--I have nervous energy left to burn. 

102 Oh for heaven's sake

Honestly!!  I HATE weight watchers.  As I've said multiple times in this blog, the meetings drive me crazy to the point of actually being counter-productive, so I never go.  I AM faithfully following their on-line tools though---that website IS useful to me.  WW talks about people who have success with their "online program" giving the impression that there is actually an online program.  Anyway--I didn't check carefully enough.  I foolishly thought you could just do the online program for a lesser amount that the meeting program.  I thought it wasn't right for the insurance to be paying for meetings that I never go to and that I should just switch to the online program.  I emailed weight watchers accordingly as follows:

Hi, please switch me from the monthly pass option to the online option only. I find the meetings very frustrating. Please don't cancel me altogether! I very much need and want the e-tools. Thank you.
Anneli Byrd
Apparently that wasn't quite clear enough for the customer service guy who sent me a response saying that he could cancel me and that I might want to consider weight watchers online.  I responded:

YES!!!  As I said in my email, I want to remain on weight waters online.  So, YES, I want to cancel my monthly pass and sign up for WW online.  
Thanks for responding so quickly.
Okay---so today someone else canceled me as I asked.  But now I do NOT have access to e-tools!  I had foolishly assumed that weight watchers online would include e-tools--which to my mind is the thing that makes the online program USEFUL--but I guess not.  I failed to read the fine print which tells me that e-tools is ONLY for those with the monthly membership.  What's probably going to happen now is that I'll have to re-sign up (hopefully without an additional sign-up fee) but I'm betting that I'm going to lose everything I've put into the site over the last four months--I've put in recipies and it's also handy to be able to refer back to past weeks to see what the points for this or that was worth. I also like seeing the little chart that has my weight going down. 

I can't believe they have the nerve to advertise weight-watchers online without the etools!!  But whatever---I can easily imagine the corporate offices coming out with the philosophy that the meetings themselves are the key to success and that offering etools might discourage people from the meetings which would be a disservice to the person blah blah blah. Well, THIS person can make up her own mind as to what is useful and what is not.  But okay--I have more than one philosophical difference with the ww program.  They are free to roll out whatever program they want and charge whatever they want--I don't have to participate--but it would have been nice if the customer service reps could have read between the lines a little and thought--"hmmm this person wants to cancel but still wants e-tools.  She can't do that.  Maybe we should tell her."

I wish I could take some time right now and go run on the treadmill or whatever--I'm really mad about this.  Online program without e-tools???? Really???  And I'm supposed to feel good about weightwatchers???

Ok--enough.  I'm waiting for one more email from the customer service guy and then I will simply re-sign up.  If things are lost they are lost and I will move on.  In the meantime I will track here as best I can (good thing I happen to have today's food memorized) and I guess take the little points calculator with me until I'm up and running again.

Bacon 2
cream of wheat with milk 7

wrap: 4
olives: 1
cheetos: 3
yogurt: 3
jalapenos with cream cheese: 1

Dinner--Relief Society--15?

Total: 36 (PERFECT!)

That's not bad--I usually don't bother to write the freebies--although I was starting to on the website because I think it's good for me to see them and realize that I am eating a lot.  Too much of a pain here though.

To finish on a bright note--today is Tuesday, I seem to usually be at a low on Tuesday mornings so it's a sort of unofficial weigh-day  193!!!!  YES!!!  OK--come on---just one more pound and I break new weigh loss ground!  What a relief though.  193 is the weight I need to be for the insurance this month.  PHEW!  Aruba is past and dealt with. Good for me!!!

Monday, July 11, 2011

101 Back on track

It feels good to be really back on track.  Especially when "on track" means a lemon muffin for breakfast, cheetos for lunch and cheesecake for dessert.  I meant to write the other day that I had a very brief mirage style glimpse of paradise the other day. I think it came after lunch and the glimpse was that I was kind of done wanting to eat just then.  Maybe maybe maybe someday I won't want to overeat. Maybe I'll like feeling good, and like eating food that makes me feel good and LIKE stopping and DISLIKE eating any more in the same way that I wouldn't want to drink a big glass of water if I'm not thirsty now. Today for once, there aren't any big challenges--Catherine is making chicken cordon bleu for dinner and I can't remember the points on it, but I know it's not a bad dish.  I'm calling it 9 points.  So here's what a fairly "normal" day looks like for me--it definitley entails compromises, but since I'm in charge of what gets compromised I feel reasonably content.

Breakfast--lemon creme muffin, banana, diet fruit juice. 
   Compromise---would have liked a glass of milk and another muffin, but I'd rather have dessert tonight.

Snack---no snack planned because I want cheetos with lunch--also, if I'm hungry, there's plenty of zero point soup.

Lunch--the infamous zero point soup, naan bread, cheddar cheese, greek yogurt, cheetos.
   Compromise---as always I want way more cheese--cheese is the hardest compromise on the plan. But having real cheese helps.  I chose 4 points worth of cheetos instead of another naan bread--a "dumb" choice in that it's less nutritious and also less filling, but I want it anyway, and if it helps me feel non-deprived, then it's a good choice.

Dinner--a big helping of chicken cordon bleu, and vegetables.
   Compromise--I'd like to have a baked potato and a roll too, but I'd rather have a the really delicious cordon bleu (more cheese!) than a plain chicken with sides.  Besides the chicken and veggies can be as filling as I need them to be.

Dessert---1/12 (an ok size piece) of chocolate chip cheesecake.  A GREAT ww recipe--with crused oreos for a crust. 

Exercise--the usual walking to work--but I think I'll add some just dance or lawn mowing as well.

I'll be on the desk again in 10 min--I think I will heat up some of that soup--it's ok for soup, not a real favorite, but a solid okay.  Since it allows me to eat cheetos, naan bread, cheese and greek yogurt and be full,  it moves up to being several steps above  ok.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

100 days


100 days and 14 pounds lighter.  The self-defeating part of me is shreiking--that's not very much! The ww site says my weekly average is .4 pounds a week.  Which doesn't make sense--100 days is 14.2 weeks so that's almost a pound a week.  Just goes to show you can't trust impersonal websites, besides ww didn't go to Aruba with me.  Happily, most of me has a better attitude. Who says 14 pounds is not enough? The heartless insurance company is happy enough with that loss to pay for the ww program.  The reality TV show I watched once had some bride on a makeover plan and she lost 13 pounds in SIX months (and still had a ways to go) and everyone was raving about her success. 

What can help me to feel joyful about my success?  I feel better, my clothes fit better, and I've LOST weight while eating wonderful things and even going on vacation.  What if I repeat this 14 pound feat over the next 100 days??  THAT's exciting!!!!  It would put me at 180.  WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!  I haven't weighed that little since college when I was on the diet center (shudder) program.  It's only society that makes me impatient with the slow route.  I need to remember that I LIKE the slow route---I get to eat cheesecake and popcorn on the slow route.  If I want to go more quickly I can.  I did contact my friend about weight lifting and hopefully soon will be lifting weights twice a week.   Most importantly, I have been making a sincere effort for 100 DAYS--and I'm nowhere near quitting.  I'm going to celebrate!!!  I've come a long way both psychologically and physically and I'm going to go ahead and be proud.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

a great dinner ahead


Today we went to SLC for Riley's 8th birthday.  I was a little worried--last year there were all kinds of things like chips and dips (my favorite) that are very hard to handle in a reasonable way.  This year, thank goodness, there was only cake and ice-cream and I was greatly helped with the cake because I had eaten a lemon-creme muffin for breakfast.  I LOVE the cooking-light magazines.  This muffin was still expensive at 6 points, but it was dense and filling and rich. Any healthy recipe that is good enough that I would make it even without trying to lose weight gets honored by earning a place in my yellow file.  This one qualifies.  I had some fruit with the muffin so breakfast was only 6 points and cake and ice-cream weren't all that tempting even though it was cake made by Lisa, who is an outstanding cake maker---chocolate cheesecake ice-cream. Oh YUM.  I had a very tiny piece.  Mom was there after the party we took her home and then went over to Dad's to pick some of her raspberries.  Anything Mom grows is instantly out of control and this year she doesn't have the energy to pick.  We each picked three containers full and there are still loads of berries on.  It was the middle of the day though and 100 degrees.  We were all sweaty, and then the car doesn't have air-conditioning and there was a pile-up on the freeway.  In short--I didn't want much lunch.  I have PLENTY of points for dinner tonight--another new recipe from the magazines---steak pitas.  The meats been marinading all day, and I made naan bread last night to eat with it, also I had Dave pick up some cheetos (relatively cheap for the points).

One unpleasant surprise though---I feel so much slimmer, but pictures from Catherine's graduation and Aruba still show me as the same old dumpy person.  I haven't lost that much yet, and I'm still very heavy at 194, so I guess it's to be expected.  Nothing to do but to keep  at it I guess.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Only 1 pound off goal!!!


Feeling MUCH much better today! It's weigh day and I was somewhat nervous about the scale, this week has felt so shaky.  194!!  WOW!!!  PHEW!!!  It's ridiculous that a number can make that much difference, but it really does.  I really didn't want to spend a whole month or more taking off Aruba weight---I would have done it regardless, but oh, it's a relief that I don't have to.  When I left on vacation I was 193--which is the weight I need to be for the insurance to cover ww costs (once again kudos to the insurance!).  Tiffany, from PEHP, knew about the vacation and was so sweet, telling me that if I needed more time to reach goal they would work with me, but still I wanted to be where I was supposed to be if not ahead.  And now, I think I WILL stay a little ahead of the goal.  I feel very motivated and excited today--I want to see 192.  That is a weight I haven't seen since before Catherine was born and I'm SOOOO close! Every pound after that will break new ground and I can't wait.

Other happy things--I finally bought myself a new pair of walking shoes--about time--I meant to buy them and have them broken in before the half-marathon, but better late than never I suppose.  Also, I'm looking into publishing on e-readers.  I wrote a very silly "diet" book a long time ago.  E-books are the perfect format for that. 

Food-wise, I'm on track today.  I'm keeping the breakfast and lunch points very low so can I enjoy pizza and homemade ice-cream tonight.  Dave made me some zero point soup--so I'm having that and a salad and some wasa crisps with laughing cow cheese for lunch--with the result that my lunch really weighs a lot (I know this because I carried it as I walked to work).  For breakfast I had a banana and some greek yogurt. All that adds up to 9 points. I can work with that!  And now, I'm going to go and happily log that into the ww site. 

Hopefully, I still can.  I cancelled my meeting membership and, if they got it right, switched to a just online plan.  I felt badly about wasting the money on meetings that I never go to and that just make me mad when I do go. As I've said before, the ww online site is outstanding.

Today I just feel hopeful and happy and relieved and it that feels really good.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Feeling Better


I feel better today, less discouraged, more easily able to believe that weight loss might be possible and that my body will actually respond to weight loss by getting smaller. Here's a book idea I'd love to see--I've been wanting to see it for several years but I lack the know-how to do it myself.  This would be a picture book and on each page would be a collage of all kinds of people wearing all kinds of different clothing--but each page would be devoted to a weight--The first page could be people weighing 120 pounds and each page could go up by 10 pounds up to whatever weight ---at least 300 pounds.  It would be so helpful to me to "find myself" at whatever weight and then look up or down a few pages and visually see that losing or gaining weight makes a difference.  It sounds obvious, and I know it in my mind, but I don't really believe it.  Part of me thinks that if I gain 20 pounds nobody will notice because I'll look just the same (pass the cheese!) and I also believe that if I lose 20 pounds it won't make a difference either (pass the cheese!).  Of course it would make differences to my health, but that's way to nebulous and far away to actually impact my current behavior.  It's very hard not to do as I please with food when part of me thinks it won't make  difference anyway. 

I wonder how many people would be willing to be photographed? The heavier people might be a problem. Anyway--just another psychological glitch, but at least I know I'm being irrational.

Food-wise today should be ok.  I had my favorite cream of wheat made with mik and topped with berries (raspberries this time) and splenda and a banana for breakfast.  Lunch will be expensive--one of those chicken in puff pastry things--15 points, and dinner is leftovers--so I'm going for fajitas.  All perfectly on track it's just that with the lunch I can't have any snacks or desserts and I'm finding it a little bit of an effort to remember that it's my CHOICE to eat the lunch I packed.  Actually, speaking of choices--I could just eat 1/2 the chicken and then have some popcorn and chocolate too.  Hmmmmm.  have to think about that one--obviously that's not the healthiest choice--but if it keeps me more happily on track that is the right choice to make.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011



Old habits and thinking dies so hard. It's hard to explain, I'm not exactly having self-sabotaging thoughts--but it's more like self-sabotaging feelings.  I've never succeeded at this before. I don't like limiting my food.  And I'm thinking that I'm almost at 100 days and with the Aruba gain I'm "only" down 11 pounds.  So much effort and so little forward.  That's the feeling and it's powerful and real. I'm not exactly thinking "I can't do this" but the gut instinct is exactly that because I never have done it before and I don't quite believe I can do this.  Also, the last few days have been undefined and difficult.  Last night's chicken might have been over---it used less chicken but more puff-pastry, however, I walked to and from work so hopefully it evened out.  I also had a small sliver of peach pie---since I didn't have any on the fourth after all, the thinking is that I had "planned" (sort of) on a full 1/6 of the pie and it doesn't matter if I eat it on the fourth or the fifth or whenever this week.  Sloppy sloppy. Today, we had a mini retreat at work with lunch of course.  Salad and watermelon and bread and cookies.  Actually this was probably okay--but I don't KNOW it's ok so I feel off-footed and insecure and not especially enthused about getting it back together.  SOOOOOO-----what is some better thinking?

First of all 11 pounds is 11 pounds!!! If I pick up a 10 lb bag of flour that is a solid weight! Also, given that I only had about 50 to lose 11 pounds covers a significant distance to that goal.  11 pounds is GREAT and I've always known this journey would take a long time so I shouldn't be surprised when it DOES take a long time.  OK--the 100 days thing.  If I lose 11 pounds over the next 100 days and the next I will have lost 33 pounds in less than a year.  At my height (5'7) and given that I 'only' had the original 50--that is more than halfway there! In fact, if I actually do that I would only have 17 more pounds to lose to get to goal weight!  Holy smoke--how would I look and feel? I  bet I'll feel terrific.  Next--the whiney feeling that I've "worked so hard for so little."  Well.  How hard have I really worked? Anybody reading this blog knows that I have eaten a great deal of wonderful food.  Including a weekend vacation at lava hot springs, retreats, and a whole week of vacation food in Aruba which included an all you can eat buffet and an entire pizza. I haven't often had to bite the will power bullet.  I've eaten a ton in both quality AND quantity.  Work-out wise how hard has that been?  I've never done a Jillian style workout yet. I do move almost  every day, but it's usually pleasant low-impact kind of movement including the half-marathon. 

I think I'm feeling better. My clothes fit better.  I got to go to Aruba weighing less than I've weighed in a long time. Despite the vacation I'm not up by that much. It might take a while to get off, but so what? In the meantime I still get to enjoy my looser clothes and have great hope for the future.  Have I mentioned Disney World? My plan is that when I hit goal weight of 155, I am taking Dave and Catherine to Disneyworld to celebrate with me.  I'm going to get a little job to earn the money so that hopefully by the time I lose the weight, I'll have the money set aside to go.  A closer goal will be the t-shirt I bought just last week in the Arizona airport. It's a medium (a big looking medium, but a medium none-the-less).  In just 10 pounds it will probably fit.  ---Onward and upward---I CAN and WILL do this thing.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Not exactly deprived


I did what I said and am back somewhat uncomfortably, on the wagon. It's not so much that I exactly want more food right now, I only want the freedom to have more food should some become available---I mean, if someone showed up with a plate of warm cookies I would have to say no because my day is already planned and I wouldn't want to say no. The problem is a simple one--I'm overweight because I love food.  Really love food--more than I love just about anything else. Restricting it does NOT feel good.  However, being overweight doesn't feel good either. I just need to keep on working on being grateful for what I have---for example I'm not on some horrible frozen plan, or even one that's ridiculously restricted.  I'm not just eating good food, I'm eating GREAT food--the best I can find, and if I pass up something today (like those cookies) I can have it tomorrow.  Today for example, I was not hungry for breakfast again, but I want to keep the breakfast habit (I guess, everyone says it's so good for me--but I can't help but remember that in high school when I never ate breakfast I was a lot thinner), so I had a slice of Catherine's delicious sourdough bread some milk and a plum.  I walked to work which felt great.  I had a banana for a snack and am looking forward to a big fajita salad with baked corn tortilla chips on the side.  If I'm still hungry after that I have a greek yogurt I can eat too.  For dinner, C is making a Rachel Ray meal---chicken topped with Brie cheese and jelly in a puff pastry.  So I'm hardly suffering--it's just that being on vacation sort of let the horse out of the barn so to speak, and the horse does not want to go back in.  One mistake I made today that I will correct tomorrow is that I planned out my day for the full 36 points (29 normal allotment plus 7 extra from the weekly 49).  I need to plan for 29 and then use those 7, if I want them, for extra stuff.  I don't want to get accustomed to 36 being a bare minimum and then having no place to go if I need more.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Almost all


Well, almost all the fajitas I could eat.  And since Catherine quite didn't finish her piece, I ate that too--the crust is the best part!  I'm truly thankful that tomorrow isn't a holiday because I'm in trouble. If I don't get a grip  immediately I will be finished here.  Right now, I'm still technically borderline okay.  Yesterday was fast Sunday, so a huge meal was kind of ok, though not at all in the spirit of the fast.  Today I wasn't hungry for breakfast, so I walked a brisk 5K and then had a plum and later a banana.  Ok...a late lunch---1 huge piece of KFC chicken breast (even in non-diet life I rarely have KFC, and boy is it good), 2 KFC biscuits with honey, 1 little corn on the cob, watermelon, 1 deviled egg, 2 pickles, a heaping spoonful of coleslaw.  This I can probably work with, but dinner is coming up.  I think I want a couple of slices of Catherine's sourdough bread with cheese and I want that last piece of 15 point pie. So, I can rationalize that it's the Fourth of July.  I could even accept that rationale if I wasn't also wanting a big handful of chips with cheese right now (I will pass on those).  Just now I'm like a child in tantrum--I WANT to lose weight and succeed---I'm fantasizing about the next 10 pounds gone--I bet I'll be able to wear a bunch of stuff at 187 that I can't wear now.  But I don't WANT to eat less.  I WANT to eat what I want!  I WANT it! I WANT it! I WANT it!  What am I going to do?  I'm going to keep on writing out these feelings here.  I'm going to go to the WW site right now and track what I eat and plan out tomorrow and I'm going to walk to work tomorrow and I'm going to put this behind me and work for that 187.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Not quite a free for all


Fast Sunday again.  I need it in every way---spiritually, and to give my digestive system a bit of a rest.  Fast Sunday dinner is always fun too---I don't feel as though I need to worry about how much I eat---I have the whole day's worth of points!  But tomorrow is the Fourth of July, and I figured out how many points my peach pie will have---15 for 1/6 of the pie.  Ouch.  Dave's ice-cream is 8 points for 1/2 cup.  Ouch Ouch  A piece of Kentucky fried chicken is about 11.  AAAAaaaaaa dying wail.   Anyway, I'm making the pie tonight so we can have some for dessert tonight and some for the Fourth.  But at 15 points a piece, I won't exactly be having a big piece AND all the fajitas I can eat too.

Saturday, July 2, 2011



Back from Aruba as of yesterday afternoon.  It was amazing--looks just like all the postcards. For once I have time to recover before going back to work as its the Fourth of July weekend.  One of the things I'm hoping to do is to get pictures posted and a write up put on my other blog travelenvelope.blogspot.com.  I don't want to write too much about the vacation here except as is relevant to food and weight-loss.  SO-----not too bad!! I'm up only four pounds--putting me back at 197.  I'm hoping that isn't going to take a full month to work back off, but if it does--well it does.  I don't regret what I ate--except maybe those last two meals which I'll talk about.  What I want to accomplish is a real food life that I enjoy and that will keep me healthy.  Not just some miserable artificial existence of deprivation that I can't wait to get rid of.  So, in a way going on a big vacation and not worrying about food was part of the plan.  On the whole I think I did pretty well especially early on---I could see old habits creeping up the longer we stayed there--I still have a very long way to go before I'm prepared to be really responsible with food.  But even so, I ate what I liked and I didn't go out of my way to pig out. It was a very difficult place to eat healthy!  My original plan was to try and focus on fruit and meat.  HA! There IS no fruit in Aruba. Or barely any anyway, food is extremely expensive and fruit almost non-existant. Our favorite place to eat was Iguana Joes--the equivalent of Chilis.  I did manage to eat some salads, but they were the exception not the rule. But although everything was off the chart as far as points go, psychologically, I didn't feel as though I lost control until the last day.  Room service was actually no more expensive than going out so we decided for once to really order up a good meal and enjoy it.  Up it came with a white covered table cloth and all. I ordered a tropical pizza because I was craving pizza and also chips which came with guacamole, sourcream, cheddar dip and salsa.  The pizza was a thick crust 10 inch affair with ham, pineapple and gouda cheese.  The best I can say is that at least I shared some of the chips. I think Dave ate one of my pieces and Catherine might have had one--but I'm not sure---in any case I ate ALL the remainder--a good 3/4 of that pizza and probably more AND plenty of chips and dip.  The last two pieces were definitely past the point where I was full.  That was bad, but what was worse was our farewell trip to Iguana Joes the very next day just before we went to the airport.  They advertise "the best burger in paradise" and it really is.  I wasn't hungry at all.  I was still stuffed full of pizza.  But it was literally my last chance at that burger. I ate it all PLUS the fries, PLUS my share of the artichoke dip appetizer.  One principle I seem to have absorbed is that eating when I'm already full is the sure road to staying fat. I had a much more serious sense of "boy this is really a bad decision" with that burger than I did early in our stay at the fabulous buffet the conference provided that I was hungry for.  Both meals probably had about the same amount of calories, but I think the burger meal WAS worse for me.  It will be interesting, if I do go to Hawaii in December, to see if I do any better.  Because the truth is, that if I had the chance of those two meals again, I would make the same decision again.  That pizza and that burger were truly terrific.   As of today I'm back on track--and today it feels good because I'm so full of trip food. I wasn't hungry for breakfast so I didn't eat any (unusual for me), instead I worked in the garden for four hours.  Upcoming problem spots are the Fourth of July on Monday--I'm on my way to plan that out now.  And the very last Harry Potter movie coming out on the 15th.  I have every intention of having a food orgy at that movie.