Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

150 Happy girl

Dave went to Provo to surprise Catherine with the traditional first day of school McDonald's breakfast. He says she was super happy to see him (he also took her to lunch) and seems to be doing great. The dorm looks nice, she's been getting out and meeting people, had all her syllabi printed and had READ them and overall seems determined to be a good student. All her AP and transfer work is in so she's starting college as a sophomore. Dave was really pleased and proud. I am too. It makes all the difference. We'll have to see what we can do by way of cheerleading in a month or so when the newness has worn off.  She also texted me that the creamery has great fat free milk and lowfat cheese. I'll have to try the cheese! I'd love to find a lowfat variety that I like. She's down a couple of pounds which is great.  She doesn't really have much to lose--she only went overboard last Christmas like I did and hasn't dropped the weight. She's taking a nutrition class and some of her roommates are health nuts, plus she has to walk up hill everyday so all that will help.

As for me, I'm doing ok too. 190 this morning--again far better than I deserve considering last week. Jennifer gave me a recipe for some oatmeal from steel cut oats that simmer in the crock pot all night. Not bad! I'm not raving about it like she is, but not bad. And definitely filling. A great breakfast. I had some points last night and wanted something chocolate, so I browsed through the ww receipes and found some chocolate chocolate cookies for 1 point a piece. Also, not bad! I brought some in for Jennifer.  Both receipes will be in my yellow binder.

Yesterday I also got back to the strength training. NOT so much fun.  The gym seemed hot, and I forgot that the beginning of fall semester would have an impact. It was much busier--I had to jumble up my routine to get on the machines, and full of perfect 18 year old bodies. I can't even imagine being as fit as some of these people. It's not just that they're young, it's that they are really really really fit. I'm flat out jealous--but still not willing to do the work to get there. It's just easier to grumble. Mostly, though I think it was just hot and seemed to take a long time. Dave called right at the beginning and I stopped and got the oatmeal receipe so he could get the ingredients. Walking home from the gym is slightly longer and it was over 90 degrees. I stopped at smiths for chocolate chips for the cookies.  Anyway--I get off at 5 and with the 1/2 hour workout I didn't get home until 6:45. Long.  But that's ok. I'll try again on Tuesday. The students will work themselves out and so will the weather. And even though I don't feel as though I accomplished anything--I'm sure it helped me get back to the 190. 190 is technically exactly where I need to be now at the end of August. I'll be super glad to see the 180's again.  Today should be right on track--I've put everything into the ww site and it's all planned. The oatmeal for breakfast with milk.  Some fancy irish cheese with lunch, sweet and sour chicken for dinner (still seems wrong to me that brown and white rice count the same point-wise).  And cookies for dessert for both lunch and dinner. I walked to work. And depending how hot it is, I might mow the lawn too.  A good day.

Monday, August 29, 2011

149 Co-dependent

Sheesh, talk about co-dependent. I'm sitting here worrying about whether or not my sister will approve of what I've done toward Riley's baptism. In a way there's good reason to worry. It's extremely difficult to plan anything with or for my family--there is every chance that anything I have in mind will be undermined at the last minute. That I can deal with--in fact, I don't even care very much--so long as Riley is reasonably happy on the day I don't care about the trappings. What I CAN'T deal with is Lisa if she's mad at me. I'm thinking about the reasons for this. I'm unhappy if anyone is mad at me, but Lisa is a special case. She has too much power. She can, if she wants, make me feel worse than anyone else in the world. (a power she has never used by the way) The huge guilt in my life is that I didn't save my sisters when my family went nuclear. It's probable I couldn't have anyway, but the fact that I didn't do what I might have is what haunts me. I cowered in my own emotional bomb-shelter. Christine is so damaged that she doesn't even realize what happened, so she doesn't blame me, and is consequently a million times easier to deal with. If she ever starts to heal, then I'm in for a world of deserved anger from her. Lisa, on the other hand, is crystal clear on exactly what I did and didn't do and the effects of it on her and everyone else. I have no defense. She's right.

It shouldn't matter--there is absolutley nothing she can possibly say that I haven't thought of a million times on my own. Why should it matter to have what I already know verified? It matters. A lot. She could stab me through the heart and leave me pinned like a bug on a mat. She would never do that intentionally I don't think--but only because she doesn't realize she COULD do that to me.

This is something I obviously need to deal with. I need to make peace with who and what I was and who I am. It would be easier if I was now a completely different person than I was then. I'm not. I AM better. I little braver, a little more able to what's necessary. But I'm a long way from being who I needed to be back then. By the time I get there I'll probably be in my 90's and a fat lot of good that will be.

Enough of that for now. I'm glad to write it out a little bit. It is is the huge issue in my life and it impacts weight loss because losing weight seems so trivial in comparison. But it isn't trivial. Becoming a better person in every way myself will impact those around me. As I lose weight both phyical and emotional I'll be better able to deal with issues both past and present. So. Deep Breath.  What happens happens. I'm doing the best I can now, and I can accept my efforts regardless of the fall out.

Food and exercise-wise doing well again. Sunday School teacher brought chocolate and I was waaaaay too interested in the hershey nugget (ate it, even though it was off plan), but other than the nugget was more or less happily in control. I made naan bread--and today will enjoy two pieces---for breakfast today I had a naan with spinach and bacon and for lunch I'll have naan with cheese, plus a cup of soup and fruit. We'll finish the Italian loaf for dinner and I'll still have six points left for dessert or popcorn. Not bad. We're having a heat wave, but the mornings are gorgeous (love Utah!), so I walked to work and will do the weight routine after work. It'll probably be boiling hot on the way home, but since it's on the way home where I can cool off, I don't mind too much.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

148 Dave with me

Quick post tonight.  Dave, who was successful before on WW is going to count points with me again. He's gone up a bit and wants to regain control. Again--if ww was the total answer, he wouldn't have gone back up to begin with. Still, it IS very helpful to have a concrete plan to fall back on. It isn't always easy to work on your personal demons. I don't think he'll get very many more points than I do on the new plan--that'll help me with resentment. I hope we can help each other. He's very faithful once he decides to do something like this. I hope I'll find that helpful and not just annoying.  Planned points today for the leftover chocolate ice-cream. mmmmm.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

147 Justin

Ok---strange and unexpected diet detour COMPLETE. We celebrated our new found empty nest freedom with dinner at the union grill where I ate pretty much an entire wedge of Brie cheese. Happily, my fajitas were really mediocre--not that that stopped me from eating plenty, but it does help with the idea of future cravings. Today is really the first in a lot of ways. I finally got some sleep, and I have the whole day to do things that I want and need to do--practice the harp, study for my stats class, do some dancing on the wii (Just dance is a HECK of a workout), work on Catherine's mural ,and reorganize at least one thing in the house.  This house is so tiny that it's a constant battle to keep things from overflowing. Plus there are a lot of shelves and things that have stuff on them, but it isn't really the best stuff that could be there.

Food-wise. Sheesh. I had hoped today could be a fresh start with an easily planned day. Nope. Me and Dave have to go to the educators picnic tonight. It's a good thing--we need to make some friends, and it will be ok food-wise too because I will plan lots of points for it and be careful. But still....  Sometimes (ok, all the time) I wish the whole business would be easier!

Yesterday was the famous flash mob. It was fun. My performance was a mediocre as it could be, but fun just the same. Also at the block party was Justin--the latest winner from The Biggest Loser!  My RS meetings are smack in the middle of the show so I haven't caught the last few seasons.  Still, it was interesting to talk to him! They work out 4 to 8 hours a day. And there is NO counseling or psychological support AT ALL!!  I thought there was at least a little!!  What a disservice!! If there's one thing I'm convinced of it is that food and exercise are only a very SMALL part of the problem. Losing weight isn't about watching what you eat as much as it is about things like courage, patience, grief, fear, guilt, anger and every other emotion. Justin told me how much harder it is to be at home with pressure from family and friends to be the person he used to be.  He doesn't want to go back, but it sounds like the show gave him zero help in moving forward. I'll have to look up the episode recaps. This kind of thing makes me so mad. He seemed like a nice guy. I hope he can maintain his success, but his odds aren't very good.  The thing I need to do is to stop being so angry on other people's behalf and DO something about it. In this case lose weight myself AND get my book out there! Even if the only copy I ever sell is to my mother, I can at least try.

Friday, August 26, 2011

146 Not bad

The dread weigh day after pigging out. Not bad! 191.  Less than I deserve I think. So, back to trying and trying again and again and again until I get what I want. It will happen. 

Today is a funny day.  I was up at 5:15 (actually, I was up at 4:15 to go to the bathroom) to come to WSU to be on the news about the flash mob. Somehow I didn't really visualize the reality that if I were on the news, I would be on TV. Duh.  I've really had fun with the flash mob idea and the practices. I was thinking last night that this is the first time in my LIFE I have ever danced for fun.  I danced a little out of peer pressure in high school but it was far from fun.  I think I was just plain too inhibited back then. Either that, or I'm having a mid-life crisis. Whatever. It's fun. I'd like to take a dance class with Dave. And I think it's a good sign of feeling better about my body that I'm willing to flash mob. Plus, it's been wonderful exercise.

Catherine seems to be having a ball at BYU. A relief!!! I pray that she thrives there. She's been moved around so much. She deserves to be in a good place of her choosing.  I'm missing her like mad, but texting and email really help.

So today's challenge is again being super tired, and trying to find a flight to Hawaii that won't break Mom's bank. I just need to talk to Lisa before I book to see if she really wants to take Catherine to Kona first to go to the temple there, or just come straight to Oahu with the rest of us. Oddly, it's about the same price.  The Weber block party is today (hence the flash mob), and I'll get to get out of the office and go play.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

145 A better day

Ok---today is on track--at least so far. I can't believe how far off I've fallen.  It makes me mad--do I want to sabotage myself? Or is it truly that I'm just in the midst of a major life change? Either way, life is going to change--sometimes for the good, sometimes the bad, and I need to learn to respond without going to pieces on the food. Last night dinner started out fine.  The popcorn was a little weird, but not unreasonable. Dave ate a lot of it though. So I made a little more. Then had a BIG slice of cheese with it. AND chocolate milk. Where did that come from??  Tomorrow is the first weigh day that I do NOT want to weigh. A shame, since last week was so good!  It's ok though.  I will weigh. I will go out to dinner and enjoy being with my husband. On Saturday I will be back to officially tracking online even though it won't be fun because my numbers for the week will be off. Actually, that's silly. Why should I wait. Today I'm trying. I'll put my food in. On Sunday I get start tracking fresh again and get on with business. I'm booking flights to Hawaii today and I want to look and feel as nice as I did in Aruba--knowing that I weigh less than I have in a long time. I have cute fall clothes just this close to looking nice. I want to wear them.  It's nice that the path is always right in front of me to get back on.  I think I'll have to get back to working through the heart to heart book (lds version of OA).  Obviously, I still have some anchors holding me at a higher weight than I want to be and I might need to uncover those before I can reach my goal.

Something I need to voice again is my frustration with traditional diet plans. Talk about setting people up for failure! My Mom's nutrisystem "meals" are about 260 calories! Ok, so you add a yogurt (100 cal), and a salad (50 cal) and you have....drum roll 410 calories. Times three thats 1,230 cal a day. NOT ENOUGH!!! That's the bare minimum doctors are willing to say is healthy. Based on my own experiences with calorie counting I know that 600 calories is what it takes to get me to feeling full. Times that by 3 is 1,800 cal.  The PERFECT amount if I was trying to lose weight as a diabetic. As a normal person trying to maintain a weight of about 150 I should add another 500 or so cal. 2,300 is about right for a moderatley active female, and is actually about what I will naturally choose (see the very beginnings of this blog).

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

144 Lonesome

That's it. My little girl is off at college. I can't believe she's really gone.  Actually, I WON'T believe it, because she isn't. There are phones, and emails and texts, and better yet, she's only 77 miles away. Visits will be happening. Still....it's not the same.  I'm relieved I could go with her yesterday though, and see for myself how beautiful the dorm is. She's got a gorgeous view of the mountains with the Provo temple. I only got to meet one of the roommates, but she seems very nice and the whole building had a floor of friendly excitement. BYU is like that. Very warm and loving.  I feel as though I've left her in a good place. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't feel like that.

Food-wise though. What a catastrophe!! On Monday, when I mentioned that I was tired and that was a problem?---oh yeah. Tired, stressed and I figured the house would be upside-down with Catherine trying to pack (She did an awesome job actually).  We were all tired so we went to Jim's burgers. I had the gyro plate. Tasty but totally unsatisfying. I left with my stomach feeling full, but still feeling hungry if that makes sense, and definitely feeling as though I wanted more. After packing we managed to play a last round of the Farming Game. There were still brownies left from Sunday. I ate my share and half of Catherine's WITH milk.  Totally out of control behavior. Yesterday I didn't even try. We went to Goodwood for lunch where I had nachos. And to the Brick Oven for a late dinner. I wasn't even hungry but I still had a fully loaded salad with plenty of blue cheese dressings and crumbles AND a pizza.  But at least I only ate one slice of the pizza (the other three slices are waiting for me here for lunch.) Also we had a yummy chocolate chip with ice-cream and marshmellows dessert.

What am I thinking? To tell the truth, not much. Right now I'm so tired my only goal is to get through work today. I didn't get to sleep till about midnight and I had to be at work at 7:30. That doesn't sound too bad--and one day won't kill me, but I'm a true 8 1/2 hour person and if I don't get it, I really go downhill physically.  I didn't have time to make lunch---or more accuratley, I wasn't willing to take the time so late at night or get up any earlier. So today I have the rest of the pizza and a salad (with lite dressing!) that I bought on my break.  No idea what's for dinner and don't care very much.  Tomorrow I should be right on track with both food and exercise, but Friday night Dave and I are going out just the two of us--because we CAN.  THAT will be fun.  But after that I should be in the clear to make a solid effort toward weight-loss once again.

Is that total rationalization and excuse making? Probably. I've learned one thing though (again). For me, it's really important to physically get on that WW web site and log in my points.  It's not good enough to keep track in my head and it's not good enough to scribble them down on paper either. Logging them in makes it more "official" in my mind. It strengthens my committment. Without real tracking I'm like a driver going without brakes.  Sure, it's fine for a little while, but the crash is going to come. I wish this weren't true. But apparently it still is. 144 days FEELS like forever, but it's actually a very short time, and the unhappy fact is that if I quit I would go straight back up to where I started or very close to it.

Even still though I'm feeling stubborn about my process right now. I'm not defending my behavior this week---but I'm still convinced that any program where a person is either "on" or "off" is doomed 99.9% of the time. Sean is the only exception I can think of. He managed to stay "ON", but he's the only one I know who's actually done it.  I know for sure I can't do the on off thing. I've tried many many many times and it's just too easy to fall off and then never get back "on" because "on" simply takes too much energy and I haven't learned yet to enjoy being "on". Does that make sense?  So, even though I do talk a lot about being "on track" or having gone "off track" in my mind I'm working very hard to get off the track altogether and just LIVE in an ever improving spiral upwards. Everyone has a "diet" so to speak--some include vast amounts of uncontrolled food and are very unhealthy, but it's still that persons "diet".  The only possible thing that can work is to change your lifestyle in a real way--not in a "this is the program that I'm artifically following" way.  I consider weight watchers to be Artifical with a capital A. However, while wrestling with that program, I am slowly making real progress in really changing my natural lifestyle--I do move more, I AM concerned about my poor choices over the last few days (before, it would take weeks before it would even register that I wasn't eating all that great), discovering better food and coming to grips with how heavy some of my old habits were (large amounts of cheese, nuts, chocolate milk etc.).

Monday, August 22, 2011


Uh oh. I had to be at work at 7:30 this morning. I still didn't have to get up all that much earlier than I usually do--just 6:30--an ok time, but I was extra tired last night and stayed up a little too late. Now I'm tired. Being tired is deadly for me when it comes to food. However, since I'm at work the food is here and controlled so I should be ok. I wish I wasn't here today though. Catherine is all by herself at home packing up for college. She has a lot of little errands to do and I wish I were there to help and support her. I had to really beg to get tomorrow off so there's no way of getting today as well. I'll send her lots of little emails and texts so she doesn't feel alone.

I've been faithfully walking to work every day that I can--including today. I think it's really helping--especially if I put a strength training, or dance workout on top of it. It looks now like we really ARE going to Hawaii before Christmas.  I'd love to have to buy a new swimsuit for it!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

141 exactly right rouladen

Well, breakfast and lunch were perfect--for dinner we had the farewell rouladen. Fattening, but I didn't eat a ridiculous amount and since the meat is expensive, Dave bought a package that turned out to be just the right amount. No leftovers. I seem to be doing well with isolating my poor choices. Well, poor choice isn't the right word for the rouladen dinner----high point is a better choice. I don't want to live in a world where I can't have a special farewell dinner for my only child. Now, the brownies are a different matter. I might have been able to rationalize a small piece, but I ate  HUGE piece. With milk. We like to have a dessert while we play a game on Sunday nights. But dessert doesn't have to be out of control and actually, I've been doing quite well managing them.

I'm hoping to achieve some sort of emotional equillibrium for awhile after this week. The worst of the latest family crisis is behind me. Catherine leaves on Tuesday--that's emotional and I'll be lonely, but it's a clean and happy change. I'm excited for her. The emotions are only the natural waves of letting a child go--not the twisted and ugly feelings that my family inspires.  However, having said that. I love my parents and sisters. And what are we here on earth for if not to suffer and conquer preciesly these problems?

Tomorrow I work a long day, but should be on track with food. Tuesday we take Catherine up and all bets are off. I'm glad I don't have a deadline on this project other than the insurance deadline which is totally doable.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

140 a tough week ahead

Saturday, thank goodness.  It's the week before school and all week I've been talking to frantic students who have holds on their records that won't allow them to register. They should have taken care of those holds months ago! This week will be a food challenge. Tonight is the high priest dinner. No idea what they're serving, but it's sure to be high carb, high point and mediocre. The plan is to save 15 points for it and try and be moderate. The rest of the week is a little tougher. Tomorrow is Catherine's last Sunday dinner before college. We're having rouladen--extremely high calorie and fat (meat browned in loads of butter), Monday shouldn't be too bad, but we'll be packing and loading the van and busy. Tuesday we take her to BYU--probably both lunch and dinner out and Wednesday Dave and I are celebrating our newfound freedom with our own dinner out just the two of us. Well, ok---that's only till Wednesday that's hard--and today and monday aren't so bad. I'll probably survive.  I suppose I could try to make healthy choices at the restaurants--but honestly, I don't want to. Going out is still a comparitivley rare treat. Partly it depends on the restaurant. If it's a so so place, I don't mind so much making the better choice because I'm not missing out on anything especially great. But if it's a place I REALLY like---not even necessarily an expensive place--but if it serves the things I really want, I resent passing up what I want and paying for something I don't want. I guess I'm just not quite ready to take the restaurant step wholeheartedly yet. And, happily, money is still tight enough that we're not going out nearly as much, so that helps. I guess with restaurants I'll fall back on the plan that helped start me on this journey and lost me my initial 30 pounds---if there's a good choice I CAN make and still be happy with it, then I'll make a point of choosing the better option. If not, then I won't worry too much.  You'd think choosing the better option would be no-brainer if two things are equal, but it's surprising how often I won't make the better choice unless I have that mind set.  I remember once vacillating between an italian salami sandwich and a veggie sandwich with avocados and sundried tomatoes on really good bread. They both looked fantastic and I couldn't decide. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to even put health into the equation, but it finally dawned on me that heeeey--the veggie sandwich might even be better for me. That tipped the balance and I ordered it.

Friday, August 19, 2011

139 Not up!

DOWN!!! I went down another pound! 189!!!  I love shifting into a new set of numbers. And I love that mentally, I didn't have to "will" this into being. My mind and heart have certainly been everywhere else this week. I went through the motions--and it was enough! This is especially gratifying considering all the food I inhaled last Saturday (boy was that good).

I was surprised that yesterday's salad for lunch was actually satisfying. I think I'm slowly adjusting to lite and fat-free dressings--at least the Italian kind. At home we discovered Ken's light steak house dressing.  Anyway--being satisfied brings up a little resistance all its own. In my mind I guess I've always had an "us and them" kind mentality and have taken a kind of pride in it. I've always belonged to the "us" group. The group that knows what it is to really enjoy a good pizza feast. The "us" group never eats diet dressings (blech), and we sneer at those who "can't" finish a restaraunt meal. We are adventurous eaters and usually good cooks. We appreciate real cheese, we make THE brownies to die for and have little respect for anyone who doesn't have the sense to enjoy the good things in life.

The "them" group usually looks really good and we envy their clothes and bodies with all of our cholesterol burdened hearts. They get up early to work out (while we get to sleep in), they do things like eat salads for lunch, get full after three bites at a restaraunt and think that mediocre brownies are something special.

It's weird to transition into being one of "them".  Doing things like having that salad for lunch yesterday is clearly a "them" thing to do.  I'll have to remember that "them" is a big group of people. Some of them ARE sadly limited in their food enjoyment and discovery. But others, like my friend Sarah who is a superstar athlete, make a fudge brownie cake to die for. One reason Sarah exercises as she does is specifically so she CAN enjoy all the things I love--full fat butters, cheeses and specialty desserts. That's the kind of "them" I can appreciate.

And what's so wonderful about being unsatisfied with a normal portion anyway? Since when did gluttony become something to be proud of? Gluttony was one of the original seven deadly sins. I can still become a true gourmand if I want to be--that is someone who loves discovering great food and is very discriminating. I probably will never have the money to actually become a gourmand--after all real truffle oils from Italy are very expensive, but I do not have to give up appreciating great food. And I don't need to give up eating a lot of it (at least from time to time) either!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

138 Forgot lunch

Crud. Remembered to bring the bills but forgot my lunch. Luckily, we're between semesters so the burger places are closed. I went upstairs and got a chef's salad--yummy--with fat-free dressing--boring and unsatisfying. Oh well, it won't kill me. I also got a nutty granola bar and a banana to fill me up. Today is a long day. After work I'll walk home, and immediatley go visiting teaching, then straight to harp lesson (my VT is a talker) and hopefully have time to run to Subways and then go to a flash mob rehearsal--FUN!!! Tomorrow is the weekend thank goodness.

I'm still feeling a oppressed about Riley's baptism, but I think I'm making much more heavy weather out of it than necessary. Ultimatley, it's not even my decision. Thank goodness!! It will mean a hard phone call to the bishop and Christine and a hard email to Dad and that is all from my point of view. I don't like it, but I can do it. I feel as if I'm growing stronger emotionally. Being in the RS presidency is unbelievable. The burdens that people carry are amazing---nobody escapes it seems. I spoke to someone who teaches the lady whose son killed himself last Easter. Turns out she's the perfect person to understand because her sister had killed herself the year before--she recommended that another younger sister be called in to help because she seemed to connect well, probably because her father had killed himself when she was a teen.  Good grief.  There are only 114 sisters in the ward--three of them having a close connection with suicide seems an awfully high percentage to me. I just hope God isn't preparing me to deal with a suicide of a close person of my own.

Food-wise I'm still treading water. It's not my focus, but I've been on track anyway. I love that our bodies will respond even if our minds are elsewhere. I feel as heavy as a rock, and I probably will be up this week, but that's ok. I'm staying on course as best as I can and eventually it will show. I'll just be glad when the baptism is over with--which is a horrible way to feel about something that should be a happy occasion.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

137 help

It's comforting to see how God stands by us. Wonderful talk in church on Sunday, exactly what I needed to hear. And yesterday Carol, the RS president, gave us all an inspirational book, Beyond Illusions by Brad Barton all about the power of our perceptions and changing ourselves and others by changing our thinking. I've read stuff like this before and enjoyed it, but I needed a lift just now and a reminder of the kind of person I want to become. I still DO need to work on being more assertive, but I absolutely refuse to become embittered, resentful, angry or unhappy just because my family (or any other circumstance) is difficult. That doesn't mean I won't feel all of those emotions--but so far I've pretty much managed not to be ruled by them--using food as shield far too much, but it helped when I needed help the most. My intent is to be free. I've always felt deeply passionate about patriotic music and what the American revolution was about. I've always felt chained down and weighted to some degree because of the erroneous attitudes and habits I inherited as a child in addition to the shortcomings that are all my own. I want to be free. This process does not come free or even cheap. The more free I become, the more clearly I see just how damaging my past was and the price of my forgiveness goes up.  However, I also can better see how protected I was and can usually (not this week) see better how many gifts I've been given. The biggest chain I've broken yet--or rather God broke it (I threw a fully blown tantrum that lasted three years) is that I now genuinely LIKE babies. I didn't resent the experience of pregnancy and I love my daughter. One would think that would be automatic. It wasn't. It was a choice---and one I fought hard for. I envy women who have the gift of several children--who freely wanted more. But envy is another trap I am determined to overcome.

Enough. I'm sure making myself sound wonderful and brave. I'm not. I wish I had the courage of a lion and I love to imagine that I do, but the truth is that I have all the courage of a rabbit and I'm ashamed. But that too can--maybe eventually be overcome. I try to remember that God, who had the patience to wait millions of years create mountain ranges and dinosaurs, has the patience to wait for me with all the detours that I take, to become what I'm supposed to be. Happily, this also applies to everyone in my family. I don't know how long in the eternities it will take, but eventually, every single member of my family will be free as well.

This has everything to do with a weight problem. It's just one more way that I'm trapped. I think I have to have certain amounts of food and quantities to be happy and it just isn't so. I bet I have much more choice when it comes to food than I think I do.

Even on weight watchers there is considerable freedom. Tonight we're having our "Wisconsin" dinner.  My other blog, travelenvelope.blogspot.com is in Wisconsin this month and I wanted to have the dinner before Catherine left for college. It's an easy one--brats and cheese. Expensive point-wise, but I still had points for cream of wheat and fruit for breakfast and a wrap with cheetos and yogurt for lunch. It will be especially satisfying because I fear I'm coming down with something (out of pure stress I think).  Yesterday, I was at a meeting and at 8:00 I felt like the non-energizer bunny. I completely ran out of energy.

Ah well, this too shall pass.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

136 Last Days--PHEW

Wow. The scriptures say that in the last days "men's hearts will fail them." No kidding. I think my own family problems are awful, and they are, but I seem to be meeting person after person after person who are dealing with spectacular problems of their own and are just on the brink of going over some kind of mental edge. Yesterday was a hard day for me--busy at work and being forced to write an email to my Dad that was very difficult for me to write and even more difficult for me to hear the answer to.  Came home and immediatley when visiting teaching---one sister ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat (has been this way for weeks now) because she finally told her alchoholic boyfriend to leave but she still loves him--huge history there, the other sister has unbeliveable health problems, has to have bladder surgery literally every 3 or 4 months, they have no money and the husband has severe unaffordable health problems too. Others in the ward are suffering too. So, I guess at least I'm in good company. The difficulty as pertains to staying on course at all is that in addition to emotional eating impulses, is that it's difficult to even care. The easy thing to do is eat.

The solution I think, is that it's ok to go on auto-pilot. It helps to actually get online on the ww site and put in my plan with my points. I've planned it on on paper sometimes and it just doesn't seem to quite make the same impression on my mind. So that helps me plan my food, this blog helps me put the emotions out. Sean's and other blogs encourage me to keep going, and my success so far encourages me not to throw it away on some stupid binge. I am up a little today--no surprise there, but I'm happy that I'm on track and dont' have to worry, I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday, and can feel confident that I'll keep moving forward anyway.

Monday, August 15, 2011

135 assertive

I need to learn to be much more assertive.  I've been noticing a lot of instances lately where I've been far too much of a pushover. I bought something on ebay, and the item was never sent (don't buy from gem0129 by the way). I did email her twice and she responded quickly assuring me it was on the way, I gave her a full three wks after her last response. Too much time. After 45 days ebay closes the account and after 60 you are completely out of luck. On Saturday I had my first manicure. It was AWFUL. I do a much better job myself, I should have said something, but I was tired and fed up with being there and just accepted the lousy job rather than say something. On Sunday I made a phone call to an RS sister---now granted, I completely dropped the ball on this particular committee so she had the wrong idea of what the committee was supposed to do--she said something a bit snippy. I gave her a little info and smoothed it over, but I should have said more than I did.  I'm just always so afraid of saying too much or hurting someone's feelings. More times than not I'm glad I DIDN'T say the negative thing I thought.  But that doesn't mean I need to be a total doormat.  I did make some strides today sort of.  Dealing with general family misery I did manage to send an email that said exactly what I needed.  It has worked out so far about as best as I can expect.  I think I was kind but still said what I needed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

134 Going where I want---which is where??

FUN day yesterday! Way off plan, but that's ok. It's another day now and I'm immediately back on track. It's wonderful that I can go crazy once in a while and still lose weight. (Though I'm not dumb enough to get on the scale this morning!).  We had our German breakfast (genoa salami---6 points for 12 slices---not that bad!), for lunch I finally got to try the Union Grill---we ordered the Brie appetizer--holy cow! A huge chunk of Brie, lots of fruit and plenty of foccacia bread. Also a cobb salad to split--love blue cheese dressing. We were pretty full after all that and didn't get around to dinner until quite late 8:30.  I do love the macaroni grill.  As prophesied I had no trouble eating it all---an olive appetizer, about a loaf and a half of bread dipped in plenty of oil, a cesear salad,an order of the mushroom ravioli (rich and wonderful and not any left to take home) and the giradelli chocolate cake.  I'm sorry to say that after eating all of that I wasn't overstuffed.  Full, yes, but not uncomfortable.  I loved having the day. It was so fun just to hang out with Catherine--we got our hair and nails done (more on this later), went to a paint it yourself ceramic place, went to Salt Lake and saw the aquarium, discovered the Chocolate Cottage, went to the Gateway shopping plaza and messed around in Brookstones, Build-a Bear and Barnes and Noble.

I felt really blessed the whole day.  I'd read a few other blogs the day before written by women who were over 300 pounds and trying so hard to lose weight. I just wanted to reach out to them and let them know that it ISN'T THAT HARD to live at their goal.  First of all I felt blessed that I was already living at their dream weight. Two ladies were fantasizing about being 190. I would love to let them know that you hardly have to live on carrot sticks to maintain a weight of 190. You can eat an awful lot of pizza and still weigh 190 and I'm not exactly exercising 24/7 either. One of the HUGE problems with weight loss, especially if one has a lot of weight to lose--is that the actual losing of the weight takes so much discipline and the life-style is uncomfortable, and the natural reasoning is that you're going to be stuck eating these tiny amounts for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  And in a way that's even true--you can't just go back to eating any old way and keep the weight off, but I know an awful lot of skinny people who are living perfectly happily at my dream weight or lower without measuring or counting anything. Sure, they eat healthy most of the time, but they also had some of the custard my boss brought to work whereas I passed it up.  I'm betting it's actually not that much harder to maintain a weight of 155 than it is to maintain a weight of 200.

You know what's missing in the diet industry? A clear picture of what life at goal weight can look like. All the billions of dollars we spend and we don't even know where we're trying to go! One of the reasons I fail is that I don't WANT to go back to my high school swim team years and swim 2 hours a day. I HATED swim team, and part of me still associates all exercise with those feelings. I don't WANT to eat 1 ounce of cheese, when I really just want to eat whatever amount I really want, and I really don't want to be stuck eating measly little slices forever. What does life at goal weight look and feel like? seems to me to be a really basic question that nobody has ever asked, let alone answered! Of course it's going to be different for every person, but you could get a decent idea if you asked a lot of people. I would just love a glimpse into the lifestyles of people who have a healthy BMI. What are they eating? How much are they moving? I know for a fact that one skinny co-worker of mine would occasionally have a milkshake and fries for lunch. Usually, she brought much better food than that, but that was her occasional blowout and she was fine with that. My co-worker, Mike, is a health nut, but other guys are not and are still reasonably healthy. I would just love to see a collection of menus and lifestyles of people who are living at a healthy weight.  What does it look like?  Are all women 155 or less spending four hours a day at the gym and eating nothing but 1200 calories of carefully balanced food a day? Of course not!! They are doing what I'm doing---going to work and running errands and living their lives. But I bet they're also playing tennis frequently and only ordering the 1/2 sandwich combo most of the time. I need to see this. I need to know that where I'm trying to go--155 --somewhere I WANT to go.

If anyone ever wants to know what a life at 200 odd pounds looks like, just send a comment and I'd be glad to give you as realistic a sample as I can of what I eat and how I move when I'm not on a diet and easily maintaining that weight. It's a not a life of deprivation---it's a life of popcorn and chocolate milk and cheese.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

133 A day with my girl

It's morning and the table looks lovely in preparation for a real German breakfast of good bread, sausage and cheese and butter. THIS is the stuff I grew up on and I don't think there is any better food in the whole world. The wonderful thing is that I get to eat it today and STILL feel skinny. I'm wearing one of the T-shirts Dave gave me a few years ago that have always been too small. It's still a little on the tight side but it fits pretty well and it's my favorite shade of blue.

Friday, August 12, 2011

132 Legs

Official weigh day at 190.  :)  I'll take it. It's only mid August and I have until the end of September to see 187. There was a time when that thought would have made me relax until about Sept 21st.  But not anymore. I accepted when I started this that it would take me about 2 years and I would work hard for slow results--and so I do.  Well....anyone reading this blog might debate about how "hard" I'm working. But I really--most of the time I AM making good choices and it's not without effort--some days are easier than others obviously.  I loved this morning's breakfast--a bagel with cream cheese, 2 slices of bacon an orange and a glass of milk.  I have spaghetti and salad for lunch with some wasa crisps with butter and garlic salt. On paper this sounds good, and it's ok, but not at all what I'm in the mood for. I don't know what I'm in the mood for, but I'm not going to think about it too much for fear that I'll figure it out and then be even more dissatisfied with my lunch.

Anyway! About legs. I have good ones and they're starting to make a comeback. I feel taller and when I cross my legs or really do anything there just seems to be a lot of length there. It's nice.  The old saying, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" has some merit I think. I feel increasingly more and more comfortable. And I have noticed in the past that the better I eat the fewer colds I have. I've yet to feel super energetic or able to run 10 miles as other people say when they lose weight. I HAVE noticed a very slight improvement in walking to work (which is a gentle uphill) as far as speed and not being quite so out of breath, but mostly I just feel more comfortable and my clothes are looking better.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

131 a 36 point day

Interesting!!! Tomorrow is official weigh-in, but I've been bad this week and getting on the scale far too often--as if the will to drop the weight would actually have an effect. And yet, like I said, I've been less concerned about food this week. Last night though Catherine made her delicious puff-pastry chicken. Love it, but the puff pastry part is hard on points. I stayed within points and ate a serving with a salad and some cooked carrots. It was fine, but around 9 p.m. I was STARVING. I'm proud though! I didn't run to the kitchen and wolf down a brick of cheese.  Instead I got two wasa crisps and a laughing cow cheese and had a 2 point snack. It helped. I didn't worry about the points. I believe if I'm truly hungry I should respond to that (I just wish I were better at responding to the corollary--stopping when I'm truly full---not so good at that). And I guess that's really why I got on the scale today--generally when I get hungry it means I'm losing weight.  Sure enough!!!! 190!  I love that every new pound lost is a new record for me.  The thing that's interesting though, is that I'm not over the top with joy about it as I usually am.  I'm pleased for sure, and I can't wait to see the 180's, but that's it. 

I'm not at all sure what these emotions mean. Maybe it's just as simple as having a little confidence for the first time in my life in this area. If I eat right and exercise, I will lose weight. Just like any other endeavor in life. I've been more or less faithfully practicing the harp for over two years now and guess what? I'm better at it! In a way I can take progress for granted, and although I can't control on a day to day basis whether I'm going to have a good practice session or not (somedays it seems I can play anything beautifully, other days I make nothing but mistakes), when I begin to play a piece well I don't feel as though I am "lucky" only that the work is paying off and it feels great and I enjoy the music. Always before, losing weight had a strong element of "luck" to it and unfairness to it.  How far could I bend the diet? Would I lose if I ate two cookies? YES! three? YES! and then---hey! I've been really good how come I gained FIVE pounds?? And of course nothing ever came of very fast and I had no confidence it wouldn't just be back tomorrow. I'd never been thin so it seemed impossible. 

Maybe the lack of exciting emotional fireworks today is a good sign.  A little like my arthritic knees--I know, a weird analogy. My knees never really bother me, except that I can't do things like deep knee bends and if I do something extreme--like a big hike they will ache a little. The doctor said the ache is because of inflammation and the best thing to do if I know I'm going to do something like take a hike is to take an anti-inflammatory BEFORE I even start.  I'm not a big med taker--so taking something when nothing hurts feels wrong, but the idea is that it's far easier on my body to keep things on an even keel rather than let my knees inflame up and then try to soothe them down again. Same with losing weight and learning to eat right? Probably.

Anyway---I was planning today's food while I was hungry last night. Not surprisingly I planned out the full 36 point day. I just couldn't imagine getting by on any less. And I think it's ok too. I'm getting extra exercise today--strength training in addition to walking to work. Even if I did save every single point to blow on Saturday I'm still going to be way over on Saturday--the main thing is to keep everything around Saturday on track.

I'm really looking forward to a Saturday with my girl! Food is going to be a major part of the day--but by no means the only part. We're getting our hair and nails done and going to the aquarium! I'm not going to worry about food, but I do have a goal to not eat more if I don't WANT more. That's not as easy as it sounds. My instinct is to think, "I have a day off I don't know when I'll have another one so I'd better stuff myself as much as possible." Make no mistake--I'm planning on going to the Macaroni Grill where the entrees are huge and swimming in cream and cheese. I've never been one of those people who go to a restaraunt and say "oh I could never eat all that" or who claim to be starving and then eat three bites and say they're stuffed. I have NO trouble with restaraunt portions. And Macaroni Grill serves the most amazing bread to dip in oil--I like to eat about 2 loaves of that too, plus a Ceasar salad plus a dessert and probably an appetizer. All I'm promising is that if all that fills me up that I won't eat an additional two loaves past the point of stomach ache just because it's a day off. Also, I am entertaining a distant thought that perhaps my body has changed a little over the last 130 days and maybe I WILL feel stuffed after just half an entree. If so, I CAN take it home to feed to Dave. There is always the off chance that I might become one of those annoying people who fill up at restaraunts while other diners are still hungry. So be it. I'll try not to be annoying about it though.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

130 Not fighting!

This is the first week EVER, EVER in my life that I have been consciously trying to make good choices and have not been fighting it tooth and nail.  It's only taken what---? About 8 years?  It's been about that long since I decided that I hated diets--made a list of what made me mad about them (about 90 items) and threw them out. Out of fear of swelling up to 300 lbs I decided to only do healthy things that I wanted to do, but to make sure I did as many of those I as could without feeling deprived/resentful/rebellious.  It worked--lost 30 pounds over 5 years and began searching for the real problems in my thinking that keep me overweight (Gained back 10 over last Christmas that didn't come off and decided once again to see if I had changed enough to be able to tolerate a set plan like ww).

WHEW. It's been a fight--and I'm not fool enough to think it's over.  I've taken many breaks from the fight by way of just not worrying about food for a while, but this is the first where I AM counting and going out of my way to exercise and am still feeling at peace.  How much of the willingness to cheerfully stick with the plan is coming from the fact that I know I'll be very cheerfully off the plan this Saturday, I don't know, but I'm enjoying serenity while it lasts.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

129 no buffet

PHEW!!  My boss brought in a "food treat" today as a reward for our staff winning a contest a few months ago.  I was nervous that this would entail a full blown fattening lunch.  But I didn't know, so I brought in a very good lunch just in case.  YEA!!  She brought in frozen custard in fruit flavors (can easily say no to that) and some big cheese danish crossaints (not to easy to say no to those).  Happily, it's all in the kitchen closed to view and better yet, in the fridge really closed to view. I think I can handle this one.  Better yet, I WANT to handle this one. Yesterday I was fully back on track and my workout was great. I want to see 190--or, dizzy with excitement--189.  It will come. I feel good---after just 129 days I feel some measure of confidence that I know what to do, I CAN do it, and success will come.  It's a really good feeling.

Yesterday someone else brought in a selection of really good brownies and lemon bars from her sister's wedding. NO problem for once!  I wasn't hungry--and as a "dessert" for lunch I had literally a small sliver of the german chocolate brownie and I was actually ok with that.  I'll do the same with the cheese danishes if they are floating around out in the kitchen.  If not, maybe I'll skip them altogether.  One of the guys I work with here is a terrific example.  He's a real health nut and actually does things like skip whole work potlucks altogether except for maybe a few vegetables.  I dont' feel as though I need to do that, but it's nice to see that it CAN be done! He hasn't withered away, or turned into a sour sad little man all crabbed with deprivation. He remains a nice guy even WITHOUT work treats.  Amazing. It helps too that he's a guy making this effort--not just another woman who looks deprived.  I have real problems with the idea that only women have to watch what they eat.  It's simply not true and I know it, but it still is nice to watch a guy be so careful about his food.

Monday, August 8, 2011

128 A brighter day

I've always thought of myself as a very even-keeled cheery kind of a person, but this blog reveals that I do indeed have moods and they do certainly affect me.  Today I feel happier--yesterday's dinner wasn't too bad, and the weekend was happily military-free so I've been sleeping better.  Dinner wasn't too horrible point/calorie wise either---mom made turkey.

Today, happily, I'm feeling full and not even a little tempted by the brownies in the kitchen.  I"m sure this comfortable feeling will pass as soon as I really digest last weekend, but I"m enjoying it while it lasts. The week off on the core plan felt good too and it feels good to be off of it because now I can eat whatever I want. I had my favorite cream of wheat cereal with fresh blackberries for breakfast, and then I'll have a wrap and zero point soup and olives and fruit for lunch and a steak salad for dinner. I'll still have 6 points left after that too to just get to the 29! So I can have popcorn or dessert or seconds for dinner.  As much as I can bear to, I want to keep the daily total down to 29--this Saturday I'm taking Catherine out for a major "girl's day out" which will include plenty of rich food. It's going to be so fun!

After work I'll be doing the strength-training routine again and then walking home--so for the moment all is well in my world.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

127 disappointed

I'm teaching in RS today.  Of all things about journals! I got to pick subject and it's because this blog has been so valuable to me that I'm teaching about journals.  Had it not been for this blog I guarantee I would have stopped back in April--probably around the 20th.  I can't overstate how important it is to write everyday.  Today is a good example---I NEED to write out my irrational feelings so I can move past them. 

On Friday--official weigh in day--I was 191. Today is Sunday morning--and I foolishly weighed in because I would love to report in my lesson that I weigh less than I have in 20 years (actually, this is still true come to think of it).  Well, since then I've since had four pieces of pizza, a cupcake, taco stand tacos (only two!) and another enormous pasty. I'm not surprised the scale says 193.  Lousy when my actions have consequences.  On the one hand, I'm not worried--today is fast Sunday and tomorrow I'm going back to points (can't do it very well today because we're going to SLC for Lisa's birthday--I'll have all 36 daily points though so I'm not to scared).  So, I know this is a blip and I can simply move on.

On the other hand--wow---perfectionism rears its ugly head. I blew it. I know I blew it. And all the self-defeating thoughts come crowding in---or rather in my case, I don't often allow the thoughts to verbalize so the remain even more dangerous undefined feelings--one of the reasons I bless this blog.  Here's the verbalization--so close to breaking 190! So excited about it and still self-sabotage so I won't make it.  Very discouraging. So discouraging I want to just eat whatever I want because it doesn't make a difference anyway.  I won't succeed and I know it.

Scary, deadly feelings. But this blog helps me see that they are ONLY feelings. They only have the power I choose to give them and though the feelings are there I think I WON'T give them any more power.  Sure I wish I would act more like Sean and just be 100% perfect on the diet, I would be soooo much farther along. But, as I've mentioned before, I actually like being a little imperfect and moving more slowly with a lifestyle I can handle. There is no one here with a stopwatch.  The feelings of imperfection feel like when I've made a major mistake on a craft project and if the mistake is truly huge I tend to lose interest in the project because it won't be what I hoped it would be. This feels the same--the temptation to lose interest (after all--this is hard!) is very great. But is ISN'T the same at all. It's a journey. Sean chose to take no detours and got where he wanted to be.  I choose to take many detours but I will still get where I want to be just the same.  So, I'm fine, I'm back on track. And I'll feel a whole lot better when this birthday dinner is behind me. I love birthdays and I love to celebrate--I'm hoping Mom bought a marzipan cake, but whether it will be a happy dinner or just one filled with tension I don't know.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

126 Not sore

Ok! First weight training session done. I'm not sore at all today except for some muscles around my armpits.  That probably means I didn't work nearly hard enough.  This is going to take some doing to figure out.  I need to look at Kayla's email again. She sent me the exercises with pictures of the machines and I printed that out, but I need to see if she sent another attachment because there was no record of the weights I was supposed to be lifting on the machines!! Also, the workout is scattered here and there among the machines and they all look alike to me anyway so it took quite a bit of extra time. I'm going to streamline the program so that I start on one side of the weight machines and work my way down to the other side rather than zigzagging all over.  Still, I did two circuits and was sweating hard so that's probably a good thing.

Weird thing about sweat. I seem to be sweating more and more easily the more in shape I get. I think the same thing happened to Oprah--so I'm assuming it's a good thing. It IS a good thing. It means I'm working hard. I always feel dimly embarrassed though because I imagine that what little I'm doing shouldn't cause anybody to sweat. That's silly thinking. The other night dancing, those leaders were sweating every bit as much as I was and who cares anyway?  One very pleasant realization is that it's only my own insecurities that make me feel self-conscious doing active things--every one else doing those same things is only trying to do the same thing I am! The supportive atmosphere for the half-marathon was amazing--even the best runners cheered on the walkers--nobody was looking down on the slower people.  Every one of us was just so glad that we were there and so proud of all of ourselves because we were all trying to push our limits. Everyone was respected.  I felt a little bit of that at the gym yesterday.  There were people of all ages--mostly pretty fit, but some like me who had a ways to go.  NOBODY CARED. I really don't think anybody was watching and thinking, "Oh look at those measly little weights she's lifting." We were all there for the same reason and there was a sense of unity.  THAT might become addictive--I hope so.  I don't know if this will ever translate into a love of sports, but I would be happy if it did. 

Lest my imaginary readers think I only did great yesterday, I followed up the workout with four pieces of pizza and a cupcake from the reception.  Today, I'm still on the core plan (loosely), but next week I'll be back on points.  I hate the hungry part, but I do like seeing very concretely that what I'm doing is the right thing.  Also, I miss bacon and cheese.Even though I don't get much of them on the points plan, I get more than I do on the core.  Besides C just informed me that's she's making cinnamon rolls and I'll be wanting some of those!

Friday, August 5, 2011

125 out of touch

Weigh day 191 again--which is actually really encouraging, because last night we finally got our new oven and Dave made pasties.  They were gigantic and heavy and wonderful and I enjoyed it wholeheartedly.  I'm sure it's still sitting in my stomach like a rock and so weighing in at my bottom weight anyway, even though it doesn't represent a loss, is ok with me today.

Actually, though anything is ok with me today. I've been so worried about Catherine.  I did manage to sleep through the night last night from sheer exhaustion and cautious relief.   Her medical history will prevent her from joining any branch of the military--but there are such things as medical waivers.  She's looking for loop-holes.  I don't know how good her chances would be and that's got me very worried. The more I hear the more I'm convinced that this is a huge mistake. She's going in with a true patriotic heart and every good intention. Flat out--the military as it is right now is simply not good enough for her.  And she's going to be disappointed. Disappointed if she can't get in, and 100 times more disappointed if she does and finds out what it's really like.  And I hate to see her sad.

Food-wise--the problem this week is that I simply am not thinking about it.  Other than the pastie last night I haven't overeaten because I have no appetite (not that that prevents me from eating fully). Today though Dave made me a german pancake for breakfast--not quite ok on the core plan and we're having pizza tonight---marginal on any plan and also going to a wedding reception---I don't really care for wedding cake, but little cups of nuts are another thing.

Just got off the phone with the air-force recruiter---sounding promising from my point of view she said she was a recruiter for 14 years and there's no way they'd let her in. I just hope she's right.

ANYWAY--I'm not sure if being non-there mentally is a good or a bad thing.  Maybe good overall--after all the goal IS to live a normal life not being super focused on food but simply doing what's right because that's what I do. But this is still all very new and unconscious eating is what got me here in the first place so I want to be very careful.  I guess I haven't exactly been unconscious though--unconcerned is more like it.  But today since I had the pancake and knew about pizza, I at least did not add cheese to the fajita meat for lunch. Also, I'm going to the gym after work for a weight training session--excited about that!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

124 not so slow

I'm entertaing hopes that Catherine won't qualify for army anyway--among other things she has asthma.  I'll be calling the recruiter later. I want to be very careful to handle this in the right way. She feels strongly about this and I hope I can help her find other ways to satisfy what she's looking for if the army isn't an option. I won't be able to do that if I'm bouncing around the house with joy.

Anyway---back to weight loss, if only with 1% of my mental energy.  Still on track.  I met with Kayla and set up a weight training program on Monday. She was so great.  I expected to feel big and clumsy and awkward anyway and Kayla weighs maye 95 pounds--but I didn't.  She was so accepting and made everything seem easy and told me so often that I was doing well that I felt that I was doing well. It was fun. I'll probably start next week---I don't like the sound of that too much like procrastination, but what with Catherine and trying to paint her room on top of everything else, there honestly hasn't been time. Yesterday though, I did take the time to go to a dance practice for a flash mob I'm in.  SOOOO fun! But hard! I've never danced before.  It was a solid hour workout.  I"m still walking to work everyday too and my food has been on track.  It's nice---all my clothes are getting loose and I feel skinny. I don't know if I'm responding to physical changes or if I've just been upset this week, but I'm not very obsessed with food this week. As I was preparing lunch, I was rejecting a lot of things because they just seemed like they were too much or too heavy.  I'm hungry now, but I still don't want more than my modest lunch--yogurt, deli meats with cream cheese, a pear and 4 wasa crisps with a little butter.

I got another verification that my super slow weight loss speed is actually not so slow at all!!!  My insurance is right on track. There is an obnoxious pop-up ad online advertising SENSA! Lose 30 pounds in just six months!!! Uhhhhh that's 30 pounds in 26 weeks---not all that impressive--barely over a pound a week. Anyone can do that without SENSA.  And yet, YES! 30 pounds in six months would be awesome!!  So would 20 pounds. Since April 1, I've gone from 208 to 191--it feels almost hopelessly slow--but in reality It's 17 pounds in 17 weeks--faster than the miracle SENSA product, and I've been on vacation too. 
Slow is only an illusion--and it's nice now that I've lost a little, I can genuinely enjoy this level of slimness even if more doesn't come off very fast.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

123 Steam rolled

Missed yesterday--oh wow--major life event/crisis. Catherine informed us that she wants to join the Army reserves.  Thank goodness it's "only" the reserves.  She's a good girl and a loyal one but I don't think this is the right choice for her.  Came to work hoping to have time to look up stuff and think and was immediately interuppted by Lisa having a major melt-down over Riley's baptism. Classic family mess. Took multiple very emotional emails to resolve that. Well, resolve is too strong a word. On the bright side all this has killed my appetite.

Monday, August 1, 2011

121 Snacking-oh please

Lots of random thoughts.  I just went on the ww site to track some points and foolishly clicked on "This week's Meeting topic" I should know better, but the topic was smart snacking and ww usually really does have great recipes and ideas so I thought I'd be safe.  NO.  They listed things like apple slices and peanut butter and even peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on light bread, crackers and low-fat cheese, small handful of nuts, veggies and hummus, and so on.  All sounds good right?  And it really IS good as opposed to snacking on potato chips or candy, but did they check the points on their own suggestions????!!!!   Peanut butter and apple slices sound great until you look up peanut butter and see that two tablespoons equal 5 points!! Add the point cost of the bread and jelly and it's a really stupid choice.  Last I looked hummus was point heavy too and cheese is 3 points an ounce unless you eat the totally fat-free crap. I only get 29 points a day.  I HATE it when I'm given "advice" that sounds good, but isn't workable. I started my own thread in response asking for real suggestions.  WW DOES have good low point snack ideas--I even brought one to work today (Roasted corn with spices--really good munchie snack at 3 points).  Maybe the real people struggling with the program can give me some other real ideas. Fat free pudding cups are another good one. PB2 peanut butter and apple slices are a good one.  Stuff IS out there--ww even invented some of it--they could have pulled their own data banks and given me some really good ideas. Or at least given a range of snack ideas with points attached.  I suppose their generic list ARE good ideas for people that are super overweight and get a whole bunch of points everyday.

Okay---enough ranting about ww.  One thing I LIKE about ww is that they have the fall back core plan.  It helps to have something else to do when counting points becomes unbearable. Yesterday felt good.  I ate until I was full.  It's still hard because there is no fat or sugar or good bread--I have to use my "extra" 49 points for that stuff, but still I had lite bagels and cream cheese for breakfast, spaghetti for lunch, and fajitas for dinner with popcorn, milk and a lemon bar for dessert.  It felt good. Today I'm using my 7 points for butter on the morning toast, and blue cheese crumbles and dressing on tonight's buffalo chicken salad. I'll probably be back on points next week though.  Perversely, I'm missing eating anything I want---bacon in the morning, and cheese.  The cheese is important.  We're in virtual Wisconsin for the month of August and to me Wisconsin means cheese.

Lemon-Bars---sigh.  So so.  I'll have to compute the points with real sugar.  Splenda just wasn't the same.  I might make them this way again sometime--for a so so light treat they're ok.

Last but not least an important thought and a happy achievement.  The thought is an obvious one.  Losing weight is a matter of balance--Biggest Loser proves that a person can drop a ton of weight really quickly if they're prepared to go to extremes. I prove that you can drop a lot of weight (30 pounds) super slowly if you're mad enough at the diet industry and just do what little you want to do.  The reason I'm here today is that my super slow system seemed to hit bottom.  I wasn't naturally willing to do anything else and I put on 10 lbs over Christmas that wasn't coming off--so the total for 5 or 6 years effort was only 20 pounds.  I think to really lose the weight and get to goal a person has to find the "sweet spot" balance point--where they're losing enough to feel successful and still able to feel as though they're living a reasonable lifestyle.  I think I'm almost there!  The WW plan is really hard for me, but not impossible, and I'm able to go on vacations and even have a Harry Potter orgy and still keep losing weight. I usually feel somewhere between "okay" and "abundant" on the plan. i wish I would lose weight a whole lot more quickly, and if I were stricter, I certainly would.  But I realize that I don't WANT to be stricter. I'd rather eat more and lose more slowly.  The big new thought for me is that this is ok.  In fact, it is better than ok.  This is MY life and moving at this pace represents something I want to do---not what some artificial entity has deemed appropriate. 

Speaking of artifical entities--hooray and bravo again to PEHP insurance company for affirming to me that small loses are acceptable and that I am doing GREAT--despite my own impatience.  Every two months I have to turn in a weight verification and then they give me my new goal. My original goal was 7 pounds to be lost over the course of the two months, and the goal after the first weigh in was also 7 pounds, but my new goal is only SIX pounds!!!   Six pounds to be lost in two months!  I can do that! I know it will still take all I can do, but it's exciting because it means I've crossed a threshold.  It's sort of the opposite of ww--at ww as you lose weight you lose the number of points you get to eat in a day until you bottom out at 29.  I understand the reasoning--but it sure doesn't feel good.  This is the same thing---the closer you get to goal weight the harder it is to lose so less and less is required--the difference is that that feels good!  Six pounds is psychologically easier than 7 pounds, and it gives me that important reassurance that a six pounds loss over two months is ok.  I think patience more than will-power might be the number one dieting foe.