I'm teaching in RS today. Of all things about journals! I got to pick subject and it's because this blog has been so valuable to me that I'm teaching about journals. Had it not been for this blog I guarantee I would have stopped back in April--probably around the 20th. I can't overstate how important it is to write everyday. Today is a good example---I NEED to write out my irrational feelings so I can move past them.
On Friday--official weigh in day--I was 191. Today is Sunday morning--and I foolishly weighed in because I would love to report in my lesson that I weigh less than I have in 20 years (actually, this is still true come to think of it). Well, since then I've since had four pieces of pizza, a cupcake, taco stand tacos (only two!) and another enormous pasty. I'm not surprised the scale says 193. Lousy when my actions have consequences. On the one hand, I'm not worried--today is fast Sunday and tomorrow I'm going back to points (can't do it very well today because we're going to SLC for Lisa's birthday--I'll have all 36 daily points though so I'm not to scared). So, I know this is a blip and I can simply move on.
On the other hand--wow---perfectionism rears its ugly head. I blew it. I know I blew it. And all the self-defeating thoughts come crowding in---or rather in my case, I don't often allow the thoughts to verbalize so the remain even more dangerous undefined feelings--one of the reasons I bless this blog. Here's the verbalization--so close to breaking 190! So excited about it and still self-sabotage so I won't make it. Very discouraging. So discouraging I want to just eat whatever I want because it doesn't make a difference anyway. I won't succeed and I know it.
Scary, deadly feelings. But this blog helps me see that they are ONLY feelings. They only have the power I choose to give them and though the feelings are there I think I WON'T give them any more power. Sure I wish I would act more like Sean and just be 100% perfect on the diet, I would be soooo much farther along. But, as I've mentioned before, I actually like being a little imperfect and moving more slowly with a lifestyle I can handle. There is no one here with a stopwatch. The feelings of imperfection feel like when I've made a major mistake on a craft project and if the mistake is truly huge I tend to lose interest in the project because it won't be what I hoped it would be. This feels the same--the temptation to lose interest (after all--this is hard!) is very great. But is ISN'T the same at all. It's a journey. Sean chose to take no detours and got where he wanted to be. I choose to take many detours but I will still get where I want to be just the same. So, I'm fine, I'm back on track. And I'll feel a whole lot better when this birthday dinner is behind me. I love birthdays and I love to celebrate--I'm hoping Mom bought a marzipan cake, but whether it will be a happy dinner or just one filled with tension I don't know.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
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