Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.



The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!







Wednesday, August 17, 2011

137 help

It's comforting to see how God stands by us. Wonderful talk in church on Sunday, exactly what I needed to hear. And yesterday Carol, the RS president, gave us all an inspirational book, Beyond Illusions by Brad Barton all about the power of our perceptions and changing ourselves and others by changing our thinking. I've read stuff like this before and enjoyed it, but I needed a lift just now and a reminder of the kind of person I want to become. I still DO need to work on being more assertive, but I absolutely refuse to become embittered, resentful, angry or unhappy just because my family (or any other circumstance) is difficult. That doesn't mean I won't feel all of those emotions--but so far I've pretty much managed not to be ruled by them--using food as shield far too much, but it helped when I needed help the most. My intent is to be free. I've always felt deeply passionate about patriotic music and what the American revolution was about. I've always felt chained down and weighted to some degree because of the erroneous attitudes and habits I inherited as a child in addition to the shortcomings that are all my own. I want to be free. This process does not come free or even cheap. The more free I become, the more clearly I see just how damaging my past was and the price of my forgiveness goes up.  However, I also can better see how protected I was and can usually (not this week) see better how many gifts I've been given. The biggest chain I've broken yet--or rather God broke it (I threw a fully blown tantrum that lasted three years) is that I now genuinely LIKE babies. I didn't resent the experience of pregnancy and I love my daughter. One would think that would be automatic. It wasn't. It was a choice---and one I fought hard for. I envy women who have the gift of several children--who freely wanted more. But envy is another trap I am determined to overcome.

Enough. I'm sure making myself sound wonderful and brave. I'm not. I wish I had the courage of a lion and I love to imagine that I do, but the truth is that I have all the courage of a rabbit and I'm ashamed. But that too can--maybe eventually be overcome. I try to remember that God, who had the patience to wait millions of years create mountain ranges and dinosaurs, has the patience to wait for me with all the detours that I take, to become what I'm supposed to be. Happily, this also applies to everyone in my family. I don't know how long in the eternities it will take, but eventually, every single member of my family will be free as well.

This has everything to do with a weight problem. It's just one more way that I'm trapped. I think I have to have certain amounts of food and quantities to be happy and it just isn't so. I bet I have much more choice when it comes to food than I think I do.

Even on weight watchers there is considerable freedom. Tonight we're having our "Wisconsin" dinner.  My other blog, travelenvelope.blogspot.com is in Wisconsin this month and I wanted to have the dinner before Catherine left for college. It's an easy one--brats and cheese. Expensive point-wise, but I still had points for cream of wheat and fruit for breakfast and a wrap with cheetos and yogurt for lunch. It will be especially satisfying because I fear I'm coming down with something (out of pure stress I think).  Yesterday, I was at a meeting and at 8:00 I felt like the non-energizer bunny. I completely ran out of energy.

Ah well, this too shall pass.

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