Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

327 Fates against me

Well, what can I say? Sometimes life just happens. Last night was a wonderful quirk of fate. I had been absolutely perfect and was all set to finish the day with the planned turkey sandwich, when one of Dave's co-workers offered me a free ticket to the Story Telling Banquet. Weber State has a wonderful storytelling festival--Dave is on the committee could have gone anyway, but this allowed me in too--let's see....a $50 dinner with entertainment or a turkey sandwich...? 

Maybe I'm rationalizing, but I still say that a choice like that is a no brainer. Life is rich and wonderful and should be enjoyed! It was a lovely event and the storytellers were fabulous. There was even a harpist who sounded simply wonderful and she was playing songs from my book!  I am inspired to really get in there and practice.  Food-wise--it would have been obnoxious to bring in outside food and it was absolutley delicious--I was hungry and didn't even consider trying to eat less. As it was, the portions were controlled for me and I didn't feel as if I had overeaten although I'm sure I ate a great many too many points.
So---no regrets on the banquet score, even if it does slow down the journey.

But I DO have regrets on the truffle score today. Today is Zorro day. I'm the one who pushed for us all to eat at Subway so I could have some crackers and cheese at the reception (although that too will no doubt be over points--one ounce of cheese doesn't go far. To compensate for the cheese. I am eating a VERY low point breakfast and lunch--and really, if you work it right you can eat quite a lot for very few points. For breakfast I had---grilled grapefruit, an omlete made with egg whites, and a piece of toast with butter. For lunch, a big bowl of zero pt. soup, 4 wasa crisp crakers with 2 laughing cow cheeses on them and a banana.  All of that only equals 7 points. But you can't fool the body. My body knows darn well that I haven't really fed it enough calories today and suddenly it seemed so logical to eat a small part of a peanut cluster (don't know how many points so therefore zero....?) and a Ferro Rocher truffle (2 pts). Today, being leap year day, Subway is also giving out free cookies and I'm sure that will seem logical too--because I can't really count or control the crackers and cheese so therefore--a cookie and a truffle won't add much to the problem.  I think that's the logic and it's really poor thinking.  Will writing it down here enable me to pass up that cookie tonight? I think it's going to depend on how hungry I am--and since I still haven't eaten much....I suspect logic will be out the window

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

326 African Dance

Doing well in the zone so far. African Dance last night was super fun, and the Hungry Girl mini spinach pizzas are TERRIFIC by any standards, not just diet ones. Family pressures have eased up temporarily and my appetite is reasserting itself.  Still, I'm not too unhappy today. I had banana bread, milk, an apple and PB2 for breakfast, some jerky for a snack (love it, but it's not too filling) and will have mini pizza's for lunch. Dinner isn't as exciting though---a turkey sandwich (a big one) and I'm out of points. I can have zero pt soup with it, and jello for dessert--actually, I think if I do half mustard and half horseradish sauce the sandwich becomes more exciting. I'll live.  I walked to work today--lately I seem to be walking anytime the weather is bad--gotta fix that! and I have wellness time. That ought to pull off a little weight.

 Tomorrow will take some real management--I don't want to eat many points for breakfast or lunch because we're going to Subways for dinner and then to Zorro--with crackers and cheese--LOVE crackers and cheese.  I think I'll go plot this right now---zero pt soup for lunch with wasa and laughing cow--4 crackers two cheese--4 pts--plus a banana. Breakfast...don't know yet---a big egg white omelete maybe with a slice of 1 pt toast? I think that will work. A Subway roast beef sandwich--maybe chips--then I think I'll be ok to have crackers and cheese--I'll have to rely on Dave to stop me from wolfing down pounds of cheese tho.

Monday, February 27, 2012

325 Steel Curtain Zone

Well! As soon as I say that I distrust Sean's "steel curtain zone" I find that I'm in it myself!  I was 184 again today--YAY!!! and am really excited about breaking through to a new weight. I'm a little hungry right now and I was at a reception this morning that had brownies and cookies that looked good but for once I didn't want the goodies as much as I want to stick to the plan today and go African Dancing after work! I think it really helps a lot that I've been at this for almost a year now and I know full well that I can--and more importantly--will--have full fat cookies and brownies anytime I want them. Today though I WANT to see 183, a new breakthrough.  Well, really I want to see a couple new numbers.  182 is exciting because I was stuck there for AGES in college--it was my default setting. That will really make me feel young again to see 182. 181 is important because that is the insurance goal I must reach by the end of March. 179 is important because that's what I need to see on the home scale before the stupid doctor scale will read 181. Besides, it's in the 170's.  WOOOOOWWWWIE.  I'm looking forward tonight to Hungry Girl deep dish pizza--Dave's making it--and I have a choice---either I can have three pizzas, or I can have two and another slice of banana bread. It's just nice that it's in front of me. Plus I have a chocolate fiber bar that I plan to eat before I go dancing.  Life in the zone IS good and I plan to enjoy it as long as it lasts, or until Friday, whichever comes first.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

324 ok weird

Well, right on weird food! The Hungry Girl shrimp fettucini--needs a little improvement--but I think I can work with it without adding many points--mostly just a lot more fat free sourcream which won't add much and a few spices.  To my astonishment though--the tofu "noodle shaped" noodles were NOT BAD at all!! They had the right noodle texture. They would be a fantastic base for spagetti. The only problem is price, but I think we could work it in as a substitute a couple of times a month at least.  I also made the HG banana bread--very good, especially since I added chocolate chips--exactly 60 which added only 4 pts to the whole recipe.  It looked great coming out of the oven but then deflated--maybe next time just cook a little longer? The thing I like best about HG is her concept of a serving size--1/2 the pan of fettucini--and it made a BIG panfull.  1/8 of the loaf of bread--a decent thick real banana bread slice.

Maybe it's because my family is deeply upsetting, or I'm just prepared for at least a day or that I'm just glad I'm not fasting--but I was ok with 29 points today and I've got 29 points planned tomorrow--it takes some doing but for the moment I don't feel resentful and I do feel happy about seeing some smaller numbers.  I "ran" a full 20 minutes yesterday. My knees do NOT like this, but overall I think my body does. I feel smaller and the compulsion to eat is a little less I think.  I think if I can keep up the running no matter how slow, it will enable my body to drop weight it might not otherwise.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

323 weird food

Being in control today is easy--I really wasn't all that hungry last night even after fasting but I still ate too many cookies.  You know, I have the hardest time making the connection between food and the way I feel because I generally feel pretty good most of the time.  Not being completely crazy, I did break my fast and drink some water and have a snack before I tried to run. The run was difficult. It took me a full 15 minutes to run what had taken 12 a couple weeks ago. Honestly, if I'd run any slower I would have been going backwards, but it wasn't until after I had come home that it dawned on me that maybe the run was harder than usual because I hadn't eaten! Duh!  We'll see how it goes today.

Anyway--today I went to SLC. A hard, but productive trip. Christine is in the loop about Dad moving to an assisted care place. She hates the idea and cried and went downstairs to bed--but she didn't go into hysterics (this time) and at least she knows which way the wind is blowing. She's going to fight hard against us I fear. I have no appetite for lunch today, but I'm sure the appetite will come roaring back soon.  I titled this blog weird food, because today I'm going to go out and buy some--namely House Foods Tofu Shiratake Fettucine shaped Noodle substitute.  It's for a hungry girl recipe that we're trying tomorrow.

Friday, February 24, 2012

322 a fast

Today I'm grateful for fasting. This has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with reaching out to my Heavenly Father for help. It helps me feel that I have truly done everything I can do and can now comfortably have faith in and rely on His miracles.  It's been an easy fast--I've been at work which makes time go quickly. I did go and do my weight lifting, but since a fast means no food OR water, I drove to work (I needed to stop at the ATM anyway), and I haven't done my run yet. I will break my fast after work and do my run.

This coming week I'll be faithfully on weightwatchers-just to see what happens if nothing else. I'll go home and make some good plans--besides tomorrow--I expect Wednesday to be the hard day--we're going to SLC to see Zorro with crackers and cheese. But with zero point soup and bananas I think I can weather the storm.  You would think that since fasting is relatively easy, just eating small meals would be easier still. Not so! The second I start to eat is the second I realize how much more I would LIKE to eat.  But really, some self discipline for one week won't kill me.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

321--extreme measures

I actually did pretty well last night---I DID go and plot the points--ooops. My lunch splurge didn't leave me much for dinner, and although I went a little bit over, I did NOT just throw in the towel and have it all. It really was just a little bit over. I call that success. 

However, today I weighed myself--why, I don't know, tomorrow's my official day and I felt as heavy as a rock. 186.  Sigh.  I've just been putzing around at this weight forever. I'm considering doing something drastic. There is always the 6 day diet--how many ways can a person eat chicken? I was thinking of this--then I thought--well, if I want to go extreme for a little while and just pull off a few pounds of water weight or whatever, I could always, GASP---follow the weight watchers plan!!  I mean REALLY follow it--not add on the 7 extra points every day in addition to whatever days I'm completely off the wagon--but have a week of exercise and 29 points a day period. That's extreme enough--I would anticipate being hungry for a week, but I'd also break through and see some exciting numbers on the scale.  And it seems that if I see those numbers once, it signals my body that those are possible numbers to live at and my body seems more willing to drop down and stay down. Do I want to start that this Saturday? I'm going to SLC in the morning and it might involve a lunch out with Dad and Lisa--of course staying faithful to any plan IS going to involve mine fields like a lunch out--but I have no intention of living on 29 points a day forever (and ww would prefer it be 27!)--At a bare minimum I want those 7 extra points--which I'll probably use eating pizza to celebrate the end of the week. 

Wow--today's blog exemplifies fat thinking--going to extremes, rewarding myself with food, embracing temporary "quick fix" measures, and rationalization.  I think though that I might really go for the rationale that I need a "jump start" and behave myself for a week and see what happens.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

320 reluctant track

I stayed on track yesterday with some difficulty. But actually in the end, I didn't finish my dinner--I still think that I can't possibly get full on ww points. In truth that's only true about 1/2 the time. I wish I could have all the points AND an additional 30 points of cheese everyday.  I think as soon as I finish this blog I'd better get on the WW site and track what I ate today so I can stay on track.  The problem is that today I ate too much lunch--the whole can of tomato soup (extra 2 pts)--then followed it up with a fiber bar (3 pts) then two peanut clusters (4 pts?) Dinner will be tacos--I think I can deal with that--but I'd better track it quick before I randomly decide that I can eat whatever I want to today.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

319 Disney!

YES!!!  Catherine got the job at Disneyworld! I'm so excited for her I can hardly stand it. I can NOT wait to go and visit! Oddly, this means that I will have to set a new reward for someday reaching goal weight. The original reward was a trip to Disneyworld-it's unlikely that I'll be at goal weight when we visit her, but I'll be farther along the path anyway--maybe a trip to London when I hit goal? I've always wanted to go to London.  Where the money for all these trips is going to come from I have no idea--but the thoughts are good anyway.

Yesterday was a little unusual, in that I would have preferred to eat far better than I actually did. We took Catherine back to Provo and went to Panda Express--her favorite place, for lunch and then J-Dawgs, Dave's favorite for dinner. Left to myself I would have had something from home for lunch and Subways or Pita Pit for dinner. Usually I enjoy excuses to eat really fattening food, but yesterday I really didn't. The food was all right, but I wasn't dying for it or regretting that I wouldn't have it again for awhile. A small improvement!

It's snowing today but I walked to work anyway and I remembered my clothes for wellness time too. My food is a little unplanned but on track--I had a 7 pt breakfast and I need to figure out the points for lunch--but they aren't too many. It's just that it's leftover night and I don't know what I'll be in the mood for.  I'm just going to make sure I have plenty of points for whatever it is. Also--yay me, we had a mini Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday night and I sent home almost all the fattening stuff with Mom and Lisa. I kept a little stuffing that we'll probably throw out and a little gravy for Dave, but as for me--I have turkey sandwiches for lunch which are terrific choices.

Monday, February 20, 2012

318 smaller jeans!

Hey!!  Haven't gone too bananas this president's day weekend and on Saturday I did indeed "run" 18 continuous mintues. I was reminded of the tortise and the hare. Catherine came with me. She can run circles around me anytime, but she can't keep it up very well--we were running toward the mechanic to pick up the car, the plan was she would wait for me, but tortoise and hare arrived about the same time with the tortoise ahead. 

Better still!!! Took Catherine back to Provo and messed around at the University Mall. Christopher and Banks was having a sale--Nice dressy jeans for 6-% off--I grabbed a pair and tried them on and then sent Catherine back out to get me a SMALLER PAIR!!  That is a totally UNPRECEDENTED event in my life. I have NEVER had to go back for a smaller pair. Never--not once in 47 years. Smaller pair (14's) looked great ane will be worn to work tomorrow!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

316 a start

I was proud of myself yesterday--I again ran for 15 minutes, but what was nice was that it was a little easier than the first attempts at 5 minutes were.  I knew I could go for longer. Today will be a new record (I hope) of 18 minutes. Food wasn't bad yesterday--again I opted for my snack rather than my lunch--here's a blindingly obvious oberservation--I REALLY like cheese. It seems that often I would rather have a small amount of really good stuff like crackers and cheese and hot chocolate than a full blown meal.  With that in mind, I had what I wanted for breakfast--one roll, cheese, fruit and milk. I was pleased with the choice of ONE roll. The natural instinct is to take two, but I realized that I'd be ok with one. Someday, someday, someday I will eat with my head--guided in part by genuine hunger and basic nutrition, but with my HEAD, not emotion--not eating because I'm in the mood to eat, or because I'm bored, or because it really tastes good and I enjoy eating. I will be able to eat for pleasure like any other pleasure---I can WANT a roll and cheese so therefore I will HAVE the amount of roll and cheese that my body WANTS and realize that I'm content, and move on to other things.  I'm pleased that I'm started to be able to act like that once in awhile--it's a start. There's a story I may have mentioned in this blog before--about a little boy who had all kinds of problems controlling himself. The parents were watching the boy play through the one-way glass with the therapist. Another boy took a toy away from this boy and the troubled boy handled the situation just fine! He didn't melt down, he didn't attack the other kid. He resolved the situation appropriately. His parents were thrilled. The therapist said something like, "Yes, but remember he can't behaive like that yet." The parents said, "What do you mean?? He just did it!" "Yes, he's making progress, but it's going to be a long time before he will be able to make those choices consistently."

So it is with me. A promising start--but it's going to be awhile before reasonable behavior with food is my automatic default setting.

Friday, February 17, 2012

315 Late night salt

The official weigh day weight is 186--a pound down from last week, but up from earlier this week.  Actually, I'm not taking this weigh in too seriously--I had a very salty (wontons and soysauce) dinner late last night.  This late night dinner business has got to stop. We've been eating around 7:45--8:00 every night. Dave teaches until late--he can't help it, but I can. I'd prefer to wait for him, but I think I'd better go home, fix dinner and eat myself at a reasonable hour--I can always be there and chat when he gets around to finally having dinner.  I have a tough weekend coming up---Benin dinner tonight (I'll have to go easy on the deep fried bean fritters), turkey dinner on Sunday and Catherine home for the weekend which usually means fattening food because she loves to cook. On the bright side--plenty of exercise today--walk to and from work plus gym workout, and an 18 min "run" tomorrow.  I'm plugging away at it. Very imperfectly, but a step at a time.

Today I'm grateful for:

Being so spoiled that I'm not excited about a pork chop for lunch--I have a great lunch here, I'm just not "in the mood" for it. How rich is that?

Cheese and crackers (yes! 6 point snack)

Trying fun and exotic foods--Benin dinner tonight!


Thursday, February 16, 2012

314 Again

This little tidbit from Calorie Count today:

Stop eating when hunger is gone but before you feel full, even if there’s food left. Remember, eating the right amount of food isn’t about being good, it’s about feeling good. 

I have trouble with the first part of that statement--as in, I know it's a good idea, but I can't imagine myself really ever doing it as a habit. But I love the second part of the statement that I put in bold--maybe someday I'll realize that I DO feel better if I eat less. It's hard for me to believe--but I have known people who actually dislike a feeling of fullness. Weirdos--but I'd love to join their ranks.

To that end I'm again rather proud of myself!  Granted, I had no business gobbling parmesan bites on Valentines day, but the day after, yesterday, I was at work with planned points for lunch and a snack. Come lunchtime I realized that I wasn't very hungry and that my snack sounded much more appealing than my lunch (and lunch was good! porkchop, mashed potatoes and green beans).  So I ate my 6 point snack INSTEAD of my lunch rather than eating my lunch AND the snack. Dinner was very good too--a stew with one roll and even a piece of Hungry Girl cheesecake for dessert.  Today will be just a little tougher because I'm not pre-filled with parmesan bread, but nevertheless it should be a very good on track on point day.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

313 Easier then

I've decided for myself what millions of others have already figured out--that it really WAS easier to maintain a healthy weight in the past. There simply wasn't that much temptation around!! There were no TV's to show you what you were missing. There was no Food Channel. And there weren't places like Dominoes pizza!  HOLY COW!!  I hadn't been there in years, but Catherine had discovered their parmesan bread bites which was enough for me to think that I HAD to have them to go with our Valentine's pizza from Papa Murphys.  Oh my, oh my. Dominoes pizza has added some stuff to their menu! Not only the parmesan bites, but buffalo wings and bread stuffed with spinach and feta, and other breads, and molten lava chocolate cake--not to mention full blown greasy pizza--much worse for me and much more tempting than Papa Murphys. How I would have loved a dominoes buffet last night.  As it was I did badly enough--I ordered the 36 piece parmesan bread for the two of us and there wasn't much leftover when we finished. When I was a kid there simply WASN'T that kind of temptation! Even a pizza joint pretty much just had pizza. We hardly ever went out as a family and when we did it was to Ding-ho's a Chinese restaurant, or maybe Chuck-a-rama buffet that only allowed you through ONE time.

The point is that knowing how much harder it is now makes me feel a little less guilty for having succumbed to being overweight. And that helps me want to try that much harder. Today and tomorrow should be right on track. Friday will be mostly on track but we're having our dinner in Benin (an African country where we're virtually traveling--see travelenvelope.blogspot.com) and on Sunday Mom is (hopefully) coming up for a turkey dinner. But the turkey dinner can be managed I think---the turkey, mashed potatoes and yam casserole (light version) are all healthy. The stuffing and the pie are problems, but if I fill up on the turkey I should be ok.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

312 Proud!

I did something right yesterday and I am really PROUD about this one. Lunch at yesterdays retreat  was high fat and calorie--sandwich and coleslaw from Goodwood BBQ.  They were big sandwiches too. I was pretty full and when work was over and it was time to go to SLC I was still full.  I had planned to pick up dinner at Pita Pit to eat on the way down (I love to eat in the car), and going to SLC always makes me unhappy and nervous so the urge to eat and just have something going hand to mouth is very strong. But, I wasn't hungry and better--I realized I wasn't hungry. So even though it was dinner time, I did not go to Pita Pit. I went straight to SLC, and did what I needed to do there--which included taking everyone out to Sub Zero--but that was a planned out thing and I got the smallest size I could. So--overall, I'm sure the day was WAY over in calories and points, but the thinking behind the day was exactly right. I ate when I was hungry and I didn't eat when I was full despite lots of "reasons" to do so.  Today the scale rewarded me with 185! Which is way less than I expected. The number is nice, but the right decisions yesterday are really empowering.

Monday, February 13, 2012

311 Out of control

What happened last night????  I had a nice dinner to break my fast--super yummy garlic mashed potatoes and I was nice and full. But in my mind I had carte blanche to eat anything else.  I had a few 1 point chocolate truffle balls. I dove chocolate heart, a glass of milk, 4 or 5 stale chocolate chip cookies. A bowl of popcorn, a glass of milk, then someone in the ward brought over brownies (which is really what I had a craving for all along) had one of those too with a little more milk. Then, just before bed I realized that I still had popcorn left and that I "could" have some cheese! Cheese and a little more popcorn duly followed.

I think knowing that I'll be working hard on WW triggered the landslide. I haven't lost control like that on other fast Sundays. Nothing to do but to keep trying. I'll get a little exercise today--we're going ice-skating for a retreat at work. I haven't been for years and I was never very good at it. Should be fun.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

310 A good 15

To my relief yesterday's 15 minutes was just fine! One of the easiest runs yet.  I drove myself up to Beuss Pond and ran around that. Two ladies were there with their dogs who barked at me--one lady said, "Now you let that lady run in peace!"  It made me smile--at least they could tell I was running! After I finished, I walked a lap to cool down and happily it took more time to walk than it did to run. That's not something I take for granted--I'm truly that slow.  Food-wise also good. I'll have to try the turtle cheesecake with real sugar. I used splenda and I think it made it too sweet.  Today is easy because we're fasting today since we didn't last week. I'm making a porkchop reciepe that uses chocolate as an ingredient. I love to cook and try new things.

Otherwise, I weighed myself and I think the scale is stuck. Frustrating, not just that the journey is slow, but that I keep throwing away the gifts that it gives me. I was 184 AFTER Christmas, and did I take advantage of that? I did not. I was greedy and now I have to re-lose those pounds painfully and laboriously. Reading this blog shows that I do that over and over and over and over and over again. You'd think I'd learn, but I don't.  I'm just I haven't given up altogether so I could catch the problem now, not after I'd thrown it away for months and found myself back up at 208 plus more.

Challenges this week are the work retreat tomorrow--lunch from Goodwood BBQ, plus a trip to SLC--which will mean dinner out (that's ok, I'll go to Pita Pit) and ice-cream from sub zero.  Tuesday is Valentines--I won't pig out on chocolate, but we are ordering a heart pizza.  I'll do my best not to go crazy with the problems, and to make sure everything else I eat is good and keep up the exercise. It won't stall me for long.

Tonight I'm grateful for:
Porkchops and new receipies
homemade biscuits
diet coke
chocolate chip cookies, dove chocolates and cheesecake--all of which I can have and still lose weight.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

309 15 min

We went to a Valentines Dance last night. Very sweet and fun. Poor Dave--he's a good dancer and he gave up dancing once he married me. Not that I deliberately prevent him, but I hated dances when I was young and never learned--with one thing and another we never took a couples class, and there just aren't that many dances for married people--or at least I've never thought to seek them out.  I need to make that right.

Anyway--back to counting points today. It feels nice. I do like having plans to choose from. It feels good to be able to eat anything I want and have fruit be free again. Today sounds just plain yummy. A raspberry muffin, banana and milk for breakfast, nachos for lunch with a little soup, a big reuben sandwich for dinner, and turtle cheesecake for dessert! I'm excited about the cheesecake. It's a Hungry Girl recipe and those receipes tend to be very good with a real concept of a portion. 1 slice is 1/8 of the cake. Yes! It's so irritating when a "serving" is 1/32 of the pan. Are you kidding?? Or the last pie recipe 1/10 of the pie? That's an ok sized piece, but who cuts a pie into 10th's?

For exercise today will be the longest run yet. 15 min. After yesterday's fiasco, I'm driving up to Beuss pond where I know it's flat to try this. I don't know about the running idea. I can feel that it's foolish with my knees, but I hate to quit. I'm just afraid one will blow out like it did in October, and I do have the 1/2 marathon coming up. I'll be walking that, but I'd like to think I'm building some muscle and endurance that will be helpful? I hope so.

Friday, February 10, 2012

308 low energy

Aww heck. One pound. 187. The discouraging thing is that I was reading some old posts here and I was fooling around with this weight clear back in August!!! But ok. 187 is down 1 pound from last week. It's just hard to be reasonable and remember that last Friday I had a pizza orgy. What I CLEARLY remember is that yesterday I passed up the work cinnamon rolls AND did an extra dance workout. I hate re-losing weight. But, if one thing is clear in this blog is that my heart is hardly wholeheartedly in this endeavor. This is half-baked in every way.  So---okay. Pressing on to be 181 by the end of March. Totally do-able. 

Today was low-energy in the workout world. It's a gorgeous day so I thought I'd run my 12 minutes outside finishing up at the gym where I would do my strength training. I learned something. I am not yet fit enough to handle going uphill. I did ok on the flat, but simply fizzled and died going uphill. 8 minutes total. I gasped my way--walking up to the gym and then did my normal workout which seemed to take twice the normal effort. But it's done.

Tonight we're having pizza again, but I'm not planning a big feast.  A simple pizza dinner and then to the community valentines dance! Should be fun.  There will probably be cookies and I'm planning on having one.  ONE, not five.

Today I'm grateful for:

Margarita's breakfast burritos--I had one--and wanted two. Compromised with 1 1/2
Fat free cream cheese and sour cream
Caffeine free diet coke
valentine's chocolates

Thursday, February 9, 2012

307 full/hungry

Tomorrow's weigh day will be interesting. Generally speaking, if I'm hungry I tend to be losing weight. This is encouraging for the weigh in tomorrow--I did cheat and hop on today and I'm down 1 pound which is fine, but I'd just love to see 2 lbs tomorrow.  I'm still doing the filling plan which means I get to eat until I'm full--a wonderful relief.  But I'm still getting hungry between meals and before bed, but it's a different kind of hunger.  It's a kind of satisfied hunger--sort of like Hawaii---I'm hungry and I know I need to eat, but I'm basically satisfied, and I like that there's no worry about whether or not my next meal will fill me up.  Still, I'm going back to counting points at least for a little while. I miss bacon and cheese and muffins.  The filling plan is not practical for the long term, but I'll be visiting it frequently I'm sure.

Today I'm thankful for:

Different options
The African Dance video.
Homemade "baseball" rolls
A full egg omelete with a lite everything bagel for breakfast
hummus--all beans are ok, I'm assuming that includes garbanzos?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

306 Give up on the crash!

I seem to be in the mood to preach. I was thinking about my lace curtain and Sean's steel curtain.  I think it's probably true that all of us need a different degree of help when it comes to weight loss. It's like having an accident--perhaps a person who is completely out of control--500 lbs or whatever, really does need a steel curtain just like a very damaged human might need a full body cast. Someone like me, who is moderatly out of control doesn't need the full cast, but I do need crutches until I can heal.  The hard part is knowing what you need and sticking to it long enough for you to heal. It's easy to think my problem isn't bad at all so I don't need my crutches! I throw them away before I'm ready and then my mind doesn't get the time it needs to heal properly in terms of the food addiction. 

I suppose the only way to know the level of "treatment" that we need is by the way we act and how badly the restraints chafe.  When we first have a broken leg the cast feels good--but after a few weeks it gets to be itchy and irritating. That doesn't mean the cast should come off then, but it's a good sign that something is healing. I suppose it's just difficult to be as honest with ourselves as we need to be--IS it time for the cast to come off? or am I just rationalizing? I haven't been tempted to take the cast entirely off these past 10 months, I know I still need help, but when the time comes that I AM tempted I should ask myself things like: Am I at goal weight? How long have I been here? Do I still WANT to eat huge amounts of the wrong things that will cause me to gain weight?  And after I take the crutches off I think I'll need to monitor things very closely. Am I maintaining? Am I happy? Am I deprived?

What brings this on? I guess I've just been reading too many blogs by people on what I consider to be super restricted diets--like 1,500 cal a day. Ok, yes that's a safe thing to do, but I wonder how necessary it is to do it? I've NEVER been able to subsist on such a small amount and I've never been 250 or 300 pounds or more. I'd bet that the lady (350 lbs) I read about--rather than suddenly eating 1,500 cal and exercising--could eat 3,000 cal (especially if it was overall good food) and exercise and lose weight just fine!!  I feel passionate about this. I've struggled with my weight my whole life--it's a heartbreaking problem and despite all the so called "help" out there people are fatter than ever.  I've never been able to lose before because every diet or "lifestyle change" or whatever has ALWAYS been too extreme.  And I'm not talking about fad diets!! I'm talking about the Diet Center and Weight Watchers and eating 1,800 cal. I finally figured out that it DOESN'T MATTER if the plan is "healthy" or not if I can't stick to it. And I can't stick to it if the plan feels like a crash--which they always do and for good reason!!  I figured out that left to myself to maintain a weight of about 200-220 lbs I reguarly ate between 3,000-3,500 cal and didn't exercise much.  To drop from that to 1,800 cal or WW plan is a HUGE drop a VAST difference between my new and old life. It was always too big of a jump and I crashed every time.  I hate it when I read about good, sincere, obviously wonderful people who are suffering, who wrestle with food addiction problems which are worse than mine and are trying to solve them by trying to stick to some diet that sounds good on the books but is light years away from what they're used to.   Finally, finally, finally, I'm finding what works for me and it ISN'T a crash. My goal is just SIX pounds in two months! And even that is pushing it! I wish I could reach every failed dieter out there and tell them not to quit trying, but to give up on the programs that are not built for their lifestyle!!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

305 the Lace Curtain

My favorite weight-loss blogger, Sean Anderson, often talks about his "steel curtain" zone. It's the commitment  he made to himself and it kept him safe and on track all the way from 505 pounds to 230 and still protects him today. I admire him hugely, but you know, I don't trust that steel curtain. I've had too many experiences where I set similar rigid standards and did great until the one day something went wrong and the curtain crashed. After that I never could find the energy and desire to erect the steel curtain again--usually, deep down, I was relieved that it was gone. It seems to me that if the changes in a person's life are so drastic that you need psychological protection to maintain them, then the changes are too extreme no matter if the change is healthy or not. Every blue moon or so there comes along a Sean or a Richard Simmons who can actually turn things around overnight and maintain the change, but it seems that the rest of us simply can't do that--and there's a good reason, going from out of control eating to rigidly controlled eating is simply the flip side of the same coin. Both are extreme. One of the big problems with any diet is that the "steel curtain" is implied. Obviously if you stick to the diet, you'll  have success, if you don't you won't. And since virtually no one (certainly not me!) can stick to any diet perfectly people are always either "on" or "off" whatever plan. Getting on and off the diet wagon is exhausting--I think that energy is much better spent moving along on the journey.

Anyway--when I get to goal weight it will be because THIS time was different--I deliberatley DID NOT erect a steel curtain. Just the opposite. I have a lace curtain. It provides guidelines and I can feel it if I cross those guidelines, but it has many holes and allows me through. I'm suceeding this time specifically because I CAN and DO eat as I like quite often. The piece of cheesecake the other night didn't destroy me because it was the only poor choice among many more good choices that day. Lapses like that are actually part of my plan.  Sure, it would have been better if I hadn't eaten it, but I maintained a willingness to try again the next day. And THAT I think, is the real key to success.

Ok--enough preaching. I'm grateful today for---
blackberries on my cream of wheat
homemade rolls for lunch
That work is the perfect distance for me to walk to
laughing cow cheese
deli meat with cream cheese
Hungry Girl receipies--I'll be trying a turtle cheesecake this weekend!
That there are plenty of people out there who would be THRILLED to wake up at my weight today.

Monday, February 6, 2012

304 Temptation

Yesterday was a good day as well--the novelty of eating whatever I like hasn't worn off yet and I'm not missing the things that are not on the list too badly yet. Except that yesterday on the way to Provo we stopped at Mom's house.  Helmut and Janet were there and had just brought a huge New York Cheescake. One piece had 5 points right? I just folded completely in the face of temptation. It's not just the cheesecake, but the social pressure to eat it as well. Oh well. I had a normal sized piece and at least it was early in the day. I also drove the route I "ran" on Sunday. 12 minutes covered .8 miles.  I know I can walk a mile in 15 minutes. This is pretty pathetic, but I'm going to keep plugging away. It's good for my heart if not my knees.

Probably day after tomorrow, I'll do a points counting day and have muffins and bacon, but for now I'm just enjoying MILK. Let's see--gratitude wise for food today...

MILK MILK MILK--as much as I like!!
grapefruit broiled with spenda and brown sugar.
chicken salsa salad for lunch.
saucy meatballs for dinner.
The African Dance workout I checked out from the library.
I discovered figs--yummy and a freebie on the power plan.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

303--evening-- a good day

Today was a good all around day.  I committed the diet sin of skipping breakfast, but I was overstuffed from the pizza--and overall I think it's generally a good idea to follow your inclinations. I took Catherine shopping and then came home to a nice lunch of lunch meats with cream cheese, an english muffin, soup, jalapenos and one point worth of olives.  Dinner was turkey burgers--I had vinegar and salt on my fries so I ended the day with 6 points which I blew on a devils food cupcake Catherine made.  I loved feeling free to drink milk with the cupcake. I'm ending the day feeling full and satisfied and looking forward to tomorrow's steak dinner.  I also ran for 12 minutes along the 5K track.  It wasn't that cold--around 40--so I just took it slow and did some of the breathing through my nose and I was fine. It felt good to have a destination. I have a long way to go though--my legs felt heavy, and I just flat out don't really enjoy the act of running--at least not like I enjoy walking.  But maybe that will come later, when I feel confident that I can run more or less indefinitely like I can walking.  Goodness knows my "running" isn't much faster than a walk anyway.
Grateful today for---kalamata olives--weird how I went from not liking olives at all to being passionate about them.
The ability to buy food and to cook food--the general great luxury of enough money.  I did a food order for a lady today--no food in their house and she doesn't know how to bake cookies!  I've never met anyone who doesn't know how to make cookies! The food orders are plentiful and generous and it IS more than just the bare basics, but still---MY house is filled with everything I could want to cook with or eat--such as the stuff for the cupcakes--and things to put ON the burgers--little luxuries like relish and dill pickles and onions.  I paid the bills this morning and was feeling a little bit tightly stretched.  Not anymore. 

303 Pizza

OKAY then!!! I am back on the wagon again--easy this morning because last night I had PIZZA.  And I mean PIZZA. Papa Murphys 5 meat stuffed crust--as much as I wanted.  Cheesy bread from the Pie--as much as I wanted. Salad. then chocolate chip cookies and milk--as much as I wanted.  It felt great. I don't feel sick or even guilty--just a little annoyed because I know something like that will set me back on the scale.  This morning I'm still full. But I'm feeling optimistic about the upcoming week. I'll be mostly following the "simply filling" plan-which means I can eat as much as I want to off the ww list.  The list is pretty generous--all fruits and veggies, most meats, most dairy (just not full fat cheese), and any "lite" bread.  What's obviously missing is cheese, sugar and fat. But I can use the 7 points a day for that and it really goes pretty far.  Last time I tried this I mostly used it for butter on my morning toast, a little cheese at lunch, some oil on my popcorn, and some chocolate. It's not a life-long liveable plan--but for now I just want to see that 181 (actually it's going to need to be 179) by the end of March so I can meet the insurance goal---plus feel really terrific.

Today's gratitude---
MILK! As much as I like.
Fruit--I hope Dave buys clementines.
I'm thankful that all the bills are paid, including the huge gas bill.
I'm thankful that we'll get a tax refund.
I'm thankful Catherine is visiting.
I'm thankful that today is a little warmer so I can do my 12 minute "run" outside.
Tonight we're having turkey burgers, one of my favorite meals and I don't have to worry about the calories in the burger--only the points in the ketchup which isn't many.
And lastly, I'm thankful that I can always always always start over!

Friday, February 3, 2012

302 Disgruntled

Hmph. 188.  Darn it.  Counting calories simply isn't getting me anywhere.  It might if I counted a few less calories every day, but I don't want to go below 2,000.  Back to weight watchers--which almost certainly puts me below 2,000 but I don't quite know it so it's ok--sort of. Especially since I'm going to start with the simply filling plan and have steak and potatoes (as much as I want!) on Sunday. 

I wonder why it is that I have such a terrible attitude about dieting--and thanks to Honor Warren at myjourneytofindingmyself.blogspot.com, for calling a spade a spade. It's a DIET!! Yes, everyone talks about a "lifestyle" change, but if you're restricting what you eat it's a DIET DIET DIET.  But so what? In all other areas of my life I'm an optimistic soul--I see life's glass as better than 1/2 full and am delighted with it. But when it comes to watching what I eat I see life's glass as literally 1/2 empty with no potential of EVER being full, let alone overflowing with joy as happens in other areas of life. But that's simply not true. Even on weightwatchers there is MUCH to be grateful for. You know, that was the original intent of this blog--to notice what I am grateful for in the food world. I need to try that again--to be grateful for the food I have and notice it's freshness and abundance. And maybe it will help to more specifically write my wishes too---I want to be careful not to give any more power to the negative side, but I wonder if what I really am wanting is not an infinite amount more of food--but does it boil down to just a little more cheese and some cookie?  Maybe if I see that what I want isn't that much then it won't seem like such a sacrifice to give it up temporarily--because it isn't that much I CAN have it sometimes--especially if I ever get to the maintenence phase.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to get on the scale and be happy with the same numbers every week.  Conversely, if what I'm wanting is unreasonable, then maybe it will help to see that too. It's just hard in America, where I always COULD, if I wanted, get more.  I think if I were starving in Africa, I'd actually feel less resentful and really would be genuinely optimistic and grateful for my morning piece of bread.

 In any case gratitude and noticing my food blessings starts now.

I'm grateful that yesterday when I only had full fat hotchocolate, that I noticed that I didn't really like it any better than the 25 cal stuff.

Today I'm grateful for the balsamic vinegar on my tomato salad.  Yummy!
Today I'm super grateful for pizza and friends and to know that I can have pizza and friends both and still lose weight.
Today I'm even grateful for weightwatchers. I'm thankful that there ARE plans out there that work and that it's only Feb 3rd, and I have until March 30 to hit the next goal of 181 and that's it's totally doable. I'm grateful for HOPE.
I'm grateful today to try a new weird "dessert" peach tofu--for only 90 cal and I bet it's good.
I'm grateful today to have a new hummus that I made that's really good--I'd make it again diet or no diet.
I'm grateful for a husband who loves me no matter what size.
I'm grateful to have had the last of the blueberries on my cream of wheat.
I'm grateful to have had bacon--and that I can have bacon on weight watchers everyday if I want to.
I'm grateful to have had a healthy body for 47 years.
I'm even grateful for the problem of obesity. It is a concrete problem, and wrestling with this problem helps me deal with other less concrete problems.
I'm grateful that I've come so far.
I'm grateful that lunch isn't very far away.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

301 running? good? bad?

I'm gearing up for an effort if tomorrow's weigh in doesn't look good.  I do like that WW is now saying that you can mix up the core plan with the points plan on a day to day basis. That sounds good!  One of the things that bugs me most about WW is that they call for childlike faith in their plan and then change their plan every time you turn around.  Granted, they are consistently changing for the better---I remember when you had to have so many proteins, veggies etc.  Good idea, but nobody really eats like that.

Yesterday's trip to SLC went very well and is a huge load off my mind. Finally doing what I should have been doing all along is going a long way toward helping me release some guilt and maybe that will help me release some weight as well. 

The practical question for today is to run or not to run? I do NOT want to further damage my knees, but I also don't want to not try for a 5K! So far, I seem ok--not in actual pain or anything, it's just that my knees feel so rickety and it scared me how hard the weights were for me last Tuesday. I guess I'll keep going until I really can't.  Like the weights---I could tell that continuing that one exercise was going to be harmful. I don't feel that way with running yet--so I think I'll go ahead with 12 minutes today.  I can't wait till it's warm enough that I can run outside and see how far along I can get on our 5K route.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

300 grrrr

Wow! 300 days!  I'm calling yesterday quite a triumph.  The LAST thing on earth that I wanted to do was to work out--and when it came time to do it I realized that I hadn't left my sweats here at work and only had a t-shirt.  No matter. I wore the T-shirt, dress pants and sneakers (sexy!) and went and worked out anyway. I'm having trouble with my knees and am a little worried so I'm taking today off running-wise, although I still walked to work.  I was also severely tempted food-wise last night. It was one of those hungry days where no matter what I ate it just wasn't enough. All I wanted was a huge calzone from the pie.  Instead, I thought about it and decided that if I went home and made the jam-filled muffins (153 cal) I had planned to make earlier in the week--that I could eat a dinner within calories as long as I had a muffin and hotchocolate to look forward to after doing RS visists.  That's what I did and I'm pretty proud of myself.

On the downside, my weight is up up up this morning. a scary 189.  Darn it! darn it! darn it!  Is it muscle? Is it water? ( I HAVE been drinking like crazy) or is it simply that 2000 calories is simply too many per day to allow me to lose weight? Sigh.  I'll see what Friday brings--if it's bad news then I'll have to accept reality I guess and try weight watchers again. Maybe I'll have more success--at the moment I'm tired of dragging my feet. I just want to get the weight loss over with--which in theory I could do pretty quickly if I would just stick to the plan. But I'm always hungry, bored and empty on the plan.  Ok, that's not quite true--it only FEELS true because I can't seem to switch my focus away from all the things I'm passing up.