Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


I like not counting calories or having every morsel prescribed for me. But I don't trust myself or the system. Am I really eating fewer calories? Enough to lose weight? I don't know. But I think if I stay the course I'll definitely be healthier. I'm trying hard to remember the part about stopping when I'm full.  Also, visualizing throwing away food--which I did this morning. I had eggs with the egg burrito topping and it was FILLING.  (I also had 3 pieces of bacon which I am not mentioning here).  I threw away a good part of the eggs. It's 11:00 and I'm still full, but that doesn't mean I don't want to eat--I don't even know what I would want, it's just a new weird feeling to not want food, but want to eat out of habit. That's just something to keep working on.

Last night I tried making a new soup. Not great. I won't make it again, but I'll bring it tomorrow for a healthy snack. Because it wasn't great, I stopped eating a little earlier than I might have otherwise. I had a reeses egg for dessert. I was genuinely hungry last night, which is unusual for me. I had a small glass of milk and called it good.

Keep on! keep on! Lunch will be good today. leftover wontons! YUM! plus brown rice--so far is normal for me. I also added a slice of cheese--not a great choice, but normal for me. What is more unusual is adding the tomato and onion salad just for the purpose of adding more veggies. The idea is that with the tomato salad I will not need as much of the other stuff. But that means I have to stop when I'm full. Tricky! But I can do it. The thing I don't want to do that I'm afraid of is eating everything as usual PLUS a bunch of extra calories from grains and veggies. Healthy, yes. But buffalo eat plenty of grains and I don't want to look like that!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Lots of veggies

I seem to have lost my blogging mojo. But I'm trying hard with the veggies. I hope it will pay off.
Yesterday was Sunday, and I had my usual Sunday breakfast of 1 pancake, fruit and milk.
Lunch: a thin bagel with cream cheese, olives, carrots, baked chips and lite cheese dip (too much dip?) I also meant to eat a banana, but I forgot. Some chocolate almonds. Dinner was meatloaf. I did well. I took a big helping of sweet potatoes (one of the  blogs top foods) and a big serving of this eggplant stuff I made. that helped me to only eat one piece of meatloaf.  Dave made applesauce cookies---I ate 3 which was too many. But I'm trying. The big problem is always stopping when I'm full. But I think this is helping.

Today--I had oatmeal for breakfast, but I added some pureed sweetpotato and a few pecans.
Lunch: pizza pocket, sm. cabbage salad, beans w tomatoes.
Snack: a protein pack---140 cal of cheese, ham and almonds
Dinner: will be a butternut squash and bean soup--which should be perfect for full plate living.
Dessert might be a peanut butter egg.

Right now it's 4:45--I'm eating a plum and am definitely hungry.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

lots of veggies

So far so good. I'm liking this, but it's still an adjustment. I love the full plate living website though. It's not enough to just tell me to increase fiber. Apparently, I need really concrete examples of how to do that. Which they give plus receipes. But I'm proud of myself. Last night for dinner we had hotdogs and chips (baked). A marginal meal even by my standards, but I took the advice of the website, and made a quick waldorf salad, AND added carrots AND added a pickle. So I still had a hotdog, but I was ok with one hotdog and what was hopefully a modest amount of chips and dip.

Today I had oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast
zuchinini slices for snack
a ww tortilla with horseradish, a little cheese and lots of veggies, some homemade cheese dip from the healthy cooking mag and baked corn chips. I feel pretty good. I forgot to eat the soup--so I will if I'm hungry, and I was pretty satisfied to eat just one 3/4 of fabulous chocoates that Dave got me yesterday.
Dinner will be a challenge because it's not planned--it's leftovers, of which we have plenty. But the real challenge is that I'm tired and want a nap. It will take real effort if I'm still tired then. But I'll manage!

A few grateful things.

My sweet daughter.
My good job
My darling husband

I also found happify.com and I like the immediacy of their ideas. What has gone right today?

A really good nights sleep
Got the book To kill a Mockingbird (never read it!)
Got to give presentation to Crystal (one of my favorite people)
Psych chapter much easier than others--am finished studying for quiz.
Gorgeous day outside
I had that cheese dip---I love that stuff
Get to draw bulletin board. I love crafty stuff.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Full Plate Living

A couple things going on. The first is a scary one for me. My left knee is a mess. I can have a total knee replacement any time I want, but it would be better if I can hang on for as long as possible so the replacement has the best chance of outliving me. SO! The thing that has me wigged out is that I should be avoiding all weight bearing exercises such as WALKING. UMMMM---NO! Walking is the one exercise I really do a lot of. I credit walking for the fact that I don't weigh 300 pounds. I don't dare give it up. Besides, I really enjoy doing it. Instead of walking, I should do things like the elipitical or swimming. I hate swimming. But---there is an aqua aerobics class here right after work on Tues and Thur. I can at least get started by going on Thurs--except that I haven't been visiting teaching forever, and we can go tomorrow. Sigh. Campus also has elipticals. I'm just having problems getting there. The excuses are---I had a massive late night last night and genuinely needed a nap during wellness time today. On Friday, I have an appointment with a CPA that I absolutely need to get done. I will be riding the bike at home at least I guess. And I will keep walking to work and back as much as I can. I plan to walk all over Poland, and I won't be able to do that if I just waste away before hand. I can eliminate all jumpy types of exercise and not try to run, but I think that's as far as I want to compromise here. If I need surgery, I need surgery. And then I can get back to doing whatever I want.

Food-wise is discouraging. I don't seem to have the energy to carry on with my plan. BUT I have found the full-plate website. Their big thing is fiber. But what I like is that they are very concrete and gave many examples of meals before and after. The calories are greatly reduced. So a plate that looks like something I would eat has two pieces of lasagne, a green salad and two small pieces of garlic toast. The improved version has 1 piece of lasagne, a big squash and tomato salad and some other big fiber thing. The total was about 1/2 the calories. They also suggest eating an apple before every meal. I don't think I can keep that up forever, but it's helped. I've done well today and have been both full and satisfied.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Still out of whack but fighting.

Just back from a conference which was plenty ridiculous food-wise. The girl who came with me though is a good example. She didn't make a big deal of eating sensibly--she just did. Both people who were with me were very good at what I call simple eating. I don't do this well. I like to feast by which I mean the main dish AND several sides. I don't just want a slice of pizza, I want pizza, salad and breadstick. Not just a burger, but burger and fries. Not a peanut butter sandwich, but sandwich, chips and fruit. And naturally, dessert with everything. Exercise is still way off. I did manage some walking at the conference, but nothing really aerobic since before Christmas. Some of this is genuine sickness, and schedule conflicts, but this is waaaaay too much of a problem. Still fighting though.

Glad to be home, glad to be back to normal food (not much fruit at the conference). Glad to try again another day.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Still sick!

WOW!  I have never had time in my life like this. Leg out--sick and sick again. I'm a lot better, but still sick. Appetite out of whack, exercise out of whack.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Another cold!!

Sheesh! Another cold? Seriously?? As always, I'm hoping I can shake it before it really goes bad. Food-wise this weekend has not been good. I took Valentine's day off. We went to Famous Dave's BBQ. Delicious. 5,000---6,000 cal? Sunday was supposed to be counted, but Catherine wanted rouladen and of course, I caved. Actually, I don't know that those are sooooo terrible. Sure, it's meat and bacon fried in butter. But the whole recipe was "only" 7 Tbls of butter, and bacon doesn't actually have that many cal. I tried hard not to totally pig out and my breakfast and lunch were ok. Yesterday, was "high fiber." Meh. Worst thing, we took C back to Provo and came back much to late to cook. So we picked up greek food. No saving that meal.

Fine---get back on track right? Right. I'm supposed to be counting today, but I'm not. I'm sick and I work till six and then have therapy with Lisa after that. I'm tired in advance and can't wait for the day to be over. I've brought healthy food. I made the Asian zero point soup--which will feel good going through the congestion. And also a light potato leek soup to eat on the way down to therapy after work so I'm not starving to death.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Soup next week

Must make the zero point soup next week. I didn't this week, because I threw out a huge batch of it. But this week has been tough without it. Still, I'm hanging in there, and the weather has been so nice--weird February! that I've been able to walk to work. Let me carry on with my very inconsistent food journal. Yesterday was 1600.

2 slices Ezekiel bread with 1 TBL of peanut butter, milk
Snack: 13 mini rice cakes
Lunch 2 ww tortillas with a little horseradish, 1/2 slice swiss cheese each and a lot of veggies. dill pickles and 5 olives.
Dinner: One slice cowboy pizza. Salad with Ken's dressing
Evening dessert: 1 reeses heart and 25 cal hot chocolate.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to deal with today. The challenge is that I've been asked to go to the monthly international student meeting which always includes ethnic food. Today is China. No possible way to track the calories. It's at 1:30 so I don't dare wait lunch that long. These can vary from small snacks to full meals. Do I have the discipline to just eat a little? I don't know! It's Chinese food!!!  I don't get Chinese food very often. I really can't handle Chinese buffets and the calorie count at panda express is so horrific that I don't there very often. And don't tell me to eat the vegetables and chow mein. Why bother going if I'm going to do that?

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Keeping the bad decisions?

Well, I really don't know what I would have done differently yesterday. I did GREAT all day long. But I forgot it was our date night--poor Dave, he's trying so hard. We went to Station Park, a very romantic shopping complex. We found a new dessert place--Cobblers--which serves cobblers with ice-cream and toppings. We could have skipped it (I was the one who urged him inside), we could have shared one. But we didn't. It was all I could do to not order the hot chocolate as well.

Was that a mistake? Calorie-wise, sure it was. Relationship-wise, no. And what about happiness-wise? It's one of life's great pleasures to be somewhere new and try a new food. I don't exactly want to just excuse this, certainly not just say it's ok to go everywhere and eat everything I want, but I don't want to lose weight at the cost of Wednesday date night. But does date night need to include fattening food? Well, yes. Most of the time I think it does. It's about connecting to one another even when we're busy and tired. And food is both unifying and easy.  Maybe I'm just rationalizing and making excuses. Or maybe I'm protecting certain boundaries and consciously establishing what I want my food-life to be.

Refusing the guilt, accept imperfection, and hope to lose weight anyway!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Comfort Food

I read an article yesterday about comfort food and that it's OKAY to use food as comfort. Just make sure that your comfort food really is comforting and not just food that is both empty of comfort as well as empty in calories. I like that. After all, food is used to comfort us literally from the day that we are born.

It was good timing on that reminder because I deliberately used food for comfort yesterday. The day went well, but it was still a high anxiety situation for me and I'm deeply grateful that it's over. Food-wise, it was good. It wasn't a day where I lost weight, but it was a day where I genuinely comfort much more than I needed to lose weight. I ate cheese, I had roast beef on homemade rolls with a side of cheese and chips and dip (light) for dinner. I was nice and full and then had cake and milk. I'm totally ok with that.

Today is a new and different day with different needs. It's a 1500 cal day. It could be 1600 if I use my wellness time to walk or something for one hour, but the stress lab is calling to me. I really think I'll go up to the gym and spend some time in the massage chair. I love that it's really my choice. I walked to work today, and that's very healthy, but it doesn't "count" as exercise. I really can choose to either eat a little less or work a little more and it really is ok to just eat a little less.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A ways to go

I've been doing so well and feeling so slim that it's a real shock to put on a shirt and look in the mirror and realize that it still doesn't fit very well. Not surprising!!! I'm hoping to lose 3 or 4 pounds in Feb for a total of 7 to 8 pounds. That's great and a big help, but not enough yet to make a drastic visual difference.

I still struggle with days when I "get" to eat what I want. Today is high protein day. I brought a protein bar for a snack. Fine, but I'm not really hungry, but I ate it anyway. Ditto the nuts. Actually, I'm just not all that hungry today. Today is the dread meeting with the therapist. I can't wait for it to be over. I deliberately brought comfort food and a comfort book. That means cheese. Tomorrow is a calorie count day, but that's fine. I'll get exercise and I can have whatever I want so I shouldn't need to eat today because I can't tomorrow. If it gets to be lunchtime and I don't want all the cheese I brought (a strange mental state!), will I be able not to eat it all?  It's so weird that that concept is so hard. I'm not talking about being good at all. I have license to eat 6 pounds of cheese today if I want it. All I'm trying to do is to not eat what I don't want. Kind of like not stepping on a tack. It shouldn't be hard, but it is!!

Monday, February 9, 2015

Still good

Things continue to go well. I'm rather proud of myself for yesterday--1600 cal. Saturday was 1800 but I only ate 1600. 1600 is usually difficult for me, but even though I made a great dessert, I didn't just switch to an 1800 cal day.

So why did I make a great dessert? Because it sounded so good was the real reason. Also, because it was a cake, I could cut a small piece which I did. I think it's important for me to fix real decadent food from time to time just to reassure myself that I can. But one thing I would love to point out to all diet cookbooks and chefs--if you have to cut a 9 x 9 pan into 16 pieces (which I did last night) you HAVEN'T MADE A DIET DESSERT!! It's fine cut cut something into 16 pieces because the calorie count is ridiculous and you know it to be so, but lets not have any nonsense that it's diet.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Re-writing Hungry Girl

A good day! Weird weather--it's Feb 7 and 70 degrees in Provo. So we went up and did a little apartment hunting with C and her roomies. She mentioned that she'd like to go to Zupas, which was perfect! I scouted out the calories in advance (Ouch!), but luckily my favorite mushroom soup wasn't bad (150 cal per cup), so I had a big bowl of that, plus the bread and strawberry. Later we went to Sodalicious which has all kinds of fun soda concoctions, but since my soda was diet, that wasn't a big deal. I had enough calories tonight to have a whole big sausage along with my sausage pasta dish ( a cooking light dish--not bad). I couldn't finish the main dish. There was still room for some dessert and C had given us some really good choc chip cookies (I know, because I had two). But I really wasn't in the least hungry and I'd already had plenty of sweets. For once I listened to my intuitive self and didn't bother. That's a major success!!

Later, as we were watching TV, I re-did my Hungry Girl days. Sorry Lisa, I'm just not loving that diet book. There is some evidence that if you eat the same thing a lot supposedly you eat less. I don't know if that's what she was going for, but there is a lot of repetition and although there is some good stuff, I think it's a far cry from the really delicious recipes that made her famous. I still want to do Hungry Girl days though. So I got out 28 index cards, and between the diet book, another of her cookbooks and a folder of HG recipes that I've printed out, I put together my own 28 days of an HG plan. Three meals, three snacks, and not a lot of repeats. I'm really looking forward to those days now, and although they probably aren't as perfectly nutritionally calibrated as the real diet book, they're still pretty darn healthy and low in cal, so I'm not too worried.

Friday, February 6, 2015

It has to be YOURS

This is a repeating theme---I guess after three years, everything is repeating--but I am 100% convinced that this is the real reason diets don't work, and how we can keep tweaking things until they DO work because we've changed our hearts. I'm not done tweaking yet by a long shot--alas, I don't know how many more wrinkles there are to iron out. All I know is that I'm doing well. My blue shirt is fitting much better today and I feel happy that I'm looking forward to pizza tonight and will still be on plan. Here's why I think what I'm doing is working at least somewhat.

What I'm doing is picking out seven random slips from an envelope that tell me what I'll be doing on that day. I arrange these slips according to what makes the most sense for what's going on that week.

I just want to eat what I want and be skinny
I have some days where I practice just that. These are "not counting but in control days" where I try to practice the principles of intuitive eating

But I really like to eat whatever I want, but if I do, I gain weight because I eat too much. 
For this reason I am willing to accept calorie counting as a crutch. That way, on days like today when I want a pop-tart for breakfast and pizza for dinner that's just fine. My calories vary from 1500-1800 per day on calorie count days.

But I want to pig out and still lose weight
No problem. I can earn and save up as many calories as I like. The first 1/2 hour of exercise is to maintain a healthy body. Any exercise after that earns me calories. Lame, slow exercise gives me 100 cal per 1/2 hour. Moderate 150, hard 200.

I hate counting calories at restaurants
I don't have to unless I want to. All fast food places (except Subway) count as 1,500 cal. All sit down places are 3,000.

Calorie counting is a pain in general
Yes. So I'm working on simplifying it as much as possible. I am working on a file of foods and combinations of foods that I eat all the time and writing their calorie value. That way I'm not constantly re-inventing the wheel. 1/4 of the pan of my meatloaf, or my lasagne or whatever, with a slice of garlic bread is X. I write the calories by each item and the total at the top. That way if I want to add another slice of bread it's easy to figure out. A few restaurants that we go to all the time---Papa Murphy's pizza for example, I have the counts for my favorites.

Just tell me what to eat already!
Sometimes it feels nice to be lazy mentally. The Flavor Point diet is both healthy and quirky. It spells out exactly what I should eat and is an interesting concept, "hey everybody, it's tomato day!" It also helps me learn that yes, I really can be full with little portions.

But Flavor Point has tiny lunches
Yes, so I also use the Hungry Girl diet for when I want to be told what to eat, but still want huge portions and weight loss at the same time.

But I'm still hungry
Weight watchers has some great zero point soup recipes. I'm surprised at how much they help--both by eating them and helping to keep me full, but also by NOT eating them, but having them around as a crutch.

I'm bored. I need new life in my plan
I haven't got this one worked out all the way, but Flavor Point and Hungry Girl Days are difficult enough that I genuinely look forward to counting calories but eating whatever I'm craving the next day.

I need a little break
Vegetarian, High Fiber and high protein days help by allowing me to eat pretty much what I want but still have an eye toward being healthy. The idea is to still follow intuitive eating principles, but if that doesn't happen I can still feel good about staying on plan.

I'm tired of being sensible
I have a few purely quack diets in the mix--the subway diet, the cookie diet, etc. I am always free to put back a quack slip, but for some reason sometimes it feels good to just be stupid for a day. This has the added bonus of making calorie count days feel bountiful.

Forget it. I'm going to the buffet
There are some FREE days in the mix which are just that. It's nice to know that if I want to try a new restaurant, or simply eat 10,000 calories that there are days when I can do that. It helps me not eat as much every day if I know a trip to my favorite Mexican restaurant with the all you can eat salsa bar is coming up.

Anyway---if this actually gets me all the way to where I want to go that will be amazing, but if not. I just need to look at what needs are NOT being filled by this plan and figure out how to meet them without self-destructing. There is also the even more important mental aspect to the whole weight loss game. This blog is an important part of that, also reading other blogs. Also developing myself as a whole person in ways that have nothing to do with weight.

I honestly think most overweight people who are really trying to lose weight need to do something like this. I'm greatly helped because I like to cook and I like to walk. For those who don't, they need to take that into consideration.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Still going

Still going more or less strongly. Survived a stressful Monday taking Christine to a therapist for the first time, but it went very well. Solidly dreading going to therapy with Lisa on Tuesday. But I have to admit even the thought of therapy has been beneficial. I've been thinking about why I'm so scared of it. Boundary problems mostly. But this morning I woke up feeling really angry with her--it's all purely imaginary--I think she's angry with me about what I think is a perfectly friendly update kind of email, but she hasn't answered which makes me nervous that I've offended her. Like I said, all in my head. But the useful thing about feeling mad this morning was that I began to realize that it's OKAY to be mad at her. Even though I carry a lot of guilt about her, I'm doing my best to make it right now. I can't change the past--and there's even a ghost of a chance that maybe I wasn't as horrible as I thought. So YES, I have the right to feel angry with her.

Happily, real distress causes me to want to eat less, not more. I'm lucky that way. I think boredom and celebration and task avoidance are the things that most make me want to chow down. Here's what I've been eating this week.

Tomato Day
Breakfast an omelete with tomatoes and a little feta
Snack: 12  grape tomatoes
Lunch: black bean salad--1/2 c black beans, a little feta, tomatoes with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. with 1/2 WW pita.
Snack: A baby brie cheese (70 cal) and some corn chips.
Dinner: WW spaghetti with spaghetti sauce. Cabbage salad with a few olives, I slice Ezekiel bread.
Dessert: pears and blueberries.

Vegetarian Day Yesterday
Blew the vegetarian part of it.

Breakfast: 2 slices Ezekiel bread with peanut butter, chocolate milk, honey crisp apple cider
Lunch: Chicken tava (It was Major Fest Day and Margarita brought lunch), white pita bread, big cookie. random chocolates.
Snack--an hour later: a largish piece of cheese and the rest of the chicken in a biscuit crackers (about 10)
Dinner: Fancy french bread with cream cheese, eggs, 2 sausage links, milk
Dessert: a few chocolates

Today---Hungry Girl 4.6
Breakfast--big bowl of blueberry almond oatmeal. Milk
Snack--100 cal popcorn
Lunch--tofu stir fry---surprisingly good, a few of Shandel's crackers. A 30 cal wedge of trader joes salted carmel chocolate
Snack: a mini brie and 6 almonds
Dinner: HG chicken strips--basically chicken "breaded" with fiber one cereal. Probably a salad and/or potato.
Dessert: don't know yet. Fruit would best. I'll have to see what kind of self discipline I have.

Exercise--not happening much, but I will take a walk after work.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Five pounds

Okay!  Five pounds down in January! 202 I'll take it. Not sure if being sick helped or hindered--down on food, but also down on exercise. Whatever. Hopefully February will see better health.

I'm just thinking how relentless the negative voices are. Satan is real. Five pounds is great! It's the Christmas bloat gone and, more importantly, I'm moving and working in the right direction.  Satan would have it that it's "only" five pounds.That I've been here so many times before it's not even worth acknowledging, let alone feeling good about.

Oh yeah? It's about 1/4 of the way to the weight watchers all time low. It's where I was 25 years ago when we came back from Japan. It's 26 pounds down from my all-time high of 228. how easy it would have been to just have kept on going up and up and up and up from that! I could so easily be sitting here at 250 or worse.

No. Even though my weight is 50 pounds higher than I would like it to be, it's no small thing to win against middle-age spread, and it's a big deal to turn it around from Christmas. I'm encouraged to keep on working through February.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Ezekiel bread

Kudos for Ezekiel bread and eating real food. I'm much better, and last night had a craving for raspberry chewie bars--these are fully loaded catastrophes at 280 cal for 1/16 of a nine inch pan.  This morning I thought I wanted a little one with my breakfast, but after two slices of ezekiel bread, milk and oj, I was done. I put back the chewie bar, not because I should but because I honestly didn't want it.

That's great on two levels! One, that I didn't eat it, and two, that I didn't make myself eat it anyway out of sheer pigheadedness.

Thursday, January 29, 2015


Definitely better! I irrationally think that my clothes should be looser than they are. I don't know though that calorically, I've really eaten all that much less. Today, I didn't choose wisely for lunch--but they have a new grill upstairs, and they ARE good. At least I ordered the small waffle fries. Anyway--I didn't follow my plan at all this week, which was fine. I followed my body instead. The only reason I have a plan at all is because under normal circumstances I find it very difficult to eat reasonably. I'll have to make a conscious effort tomorrow (Friday). So this next week, I'll just recycle last week's plan.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Such is life

Wow. I'm sicker than I thought. Yesterday I lost my appetite altogether. The thing is that I really hate it when that happens--here I was, with license (sort of) to eat anything I wanted and a house stuffed full of good food and I didn't want it! In a few days I will want all of it but not be able to have it. Still, what I did eat, I didnt make very good choices of, but I ate what my body ordered in more or less. Today, I feel better and I'm making better choices. I had blueberries and cottage cheese for breakfast. I think I'll have street tacos for lunch and a long nap. The important thing though is that I'm working on counseling for all of us. Scary stuff for me, but it's getting done and the Lord is making things go.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Doing well---or sick

Darn it! I thought I'd been doing so well---and I have, but I think a major reason I have been doing well is that I've had a massive head cold coming on which must have suppressed my appetite a little. I'll take what help I can get, but i wish it had all been me.

Seriously though. I think there is a real difference between people who are naturally thin and those of us who have to fight. I really think the naturally thin people feel like I did yesterday. I'm not at all nauseous and feel just fine stomach-wise, but I just wasn't all that interested in food. I felt hungry at meal times. I ate what I liked--which was a moderate amount, and then was done. I made cookies. I had one. ONE. Later, I had another, but it wouldn't have been a big deal to skip it. That has to be what thin people feel like all the time. It would be amazing to go through life like that!!

I'm going to have faith that in the next life, whatever is out of balance here is going to be corrected and I WILL feel like that all the time. I always picture heaven as a place of amazing food where I can eat whatever I like. But surely heaven isn't a place of out of control Romen-esqe style gluttony. That is not a very beautiful picture. I will continue to fight the good fight here and hope for relief someday.

Friday, January 23, 2015


I posted this on facebook yesterday

Darn it! I've torn my meniscus in two places and the surgery sounded wonderful---fix the tears, clean up some of the arthritis, take out a random floating piece of cartilidge, But the surgeon took an x-ray and my arthritis is too far gone. He thinks it might not be my meniscus that's bothering me--apparently most people with knees like mine have tears, but that I aggravated the arthritis. He didn't think surgery would help that much and wanted to try a steroid shot first. Darn it. I've had those shots before--they DO help, but I'm having a hard time believing it'll help in this case which feels different. Besides, those shots really hurt!

Last night was indeed tough, but it's much better now. Not as good as it was before I got the shot, but I'm on the right road. I went to harp lesson anyway last night to take my mind off of it and it really worked! Not only was I not thinking about my leg, but I played really, really well. The focus made all the difference. Perhaps my teacher should give me a hard smack with a baseball bat before each lesson.

Yesterday's 1500 cal was surprisingly easy. I don't know if being in pain helped or what, but the roast beef sandwich and baked chips from Subway held me just fine until dinner. Dinner was a rich stew with a potato and the only reason I finished was because the day's calories were already so low, I didn't want to shut down my metabolism by starving. So I finished the stew and afterward made a lemon torte with raspberries for work, but I cheated, and skimmed some off for a dessert for me and Dave. I need to make this more often. Super satisfying and very few calories. It's only fault is that it isn't chocolate. But I guess all food can't be chocolate. 

I've also been thinking about diets in general and my own seemingly aimless journey. Here's an analogy: If a person's eating problems are like a broken car--that person might fix the engine and the car still wont run, the transmission no, the clutch, not yet, the battery--it's making noises but still no, and so on and on and on until everything is fixed except the starter and then they fix the starter and Hooray!!!  The diet engine runs! It was so simple, just this little wire in the starter that's all it was all along!! And off the person goes to write a book. And that person is right. It WAS the starter--and all the other stuff too.

Hopefully my journey has been all about fixing the car.

Thursday, January 22, 2015


Carrying on and doing fine. I'll try to do better writing down the food because it helps me to see it. Today I'm a little freaked out because I had a flavor point and a hungry girl day back to back and today is 1500 cal??? YIKES!!! Part of me is yelling, YOU CAN'T DO IT!!! YOU'RE GOING TO STAAAAARVE!!!.  Ummm, yes I can do it. And it won't even be that hard. For breakfast I had a slice of healthy bread (100 cal and I like it), with chocolate peanut butter powder stuff. It's not as good as PB2, but good enough and I really got a lot for 50 cal. I also had some milk, some juice and a cherry poptart. Total---450 cal. Lunch will be at Subways, and I have a Jamican stew in the crock pot waiting for me at home for dinner. It's going to be okay even though I haven't earned any exercise calories. I feel good too, I don't know if I've lost any actual weight, but I've lost the Christmas bloat and that feels wonderful.

Thanks again Hollie for pointing out that I'm already a success. It's much easier to build on success than it is to dig yourself out of a hole.

Yesterday: A hungry girl day

Breakfast--mega fruit and yogurt bowl--about a cup of blueberries, 2/3 c plain yogurt, splenda, 1/4 c fiber one cereal and 12 almonds. Really filling.

Lunch--a ginormous salad with chicken and oil and balsamic vinegar dressing. A slice of bread with I can't believe it's not butter.

Snack: 3 big pappadew peppers stuffed with feta cheese with balsamic vinegar.

Dinner: Miracle noodles (zero cal) with melted laughing cow cheese and light sourcream, with a big helping of chicken and green beans.

Dessert: a cashew coconut qwest bar and diet hot chocolate with whipped cream.

So---hardly starving, but those days do take some planning and cooking.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015


Ooooof. I'll have to be careful with zero point soup when veggies are also on the menu for dinner. As I've mentioned before, there's a real limit to how many veggies I can eat. I wish there was a limit on the amount of bread and cheese I can eat, but that seems to be pretty much unlimited.

But I'm still doing well--with trying to eat better that is---I officially have a torn meniscus. Which makes me glad I got the MRI, and makes me feel better about being such a wuss about exercise.

Yesterday was walnut day, and I had some zero-point soup around 4 to tide me over until dinner. Dinner was quite tasty, but it was veggies. Stuffed portobello mushroom with a bean and tomato salad. I could have also had a wilted spinach salad and had the bean salad over greens, but--no way. I was well and truly done with veggies.  The baked apple was quite good.

Today is a Hungry Girl day. This has been quite a bit easier. I did have a big salad for lunch, but breakfast was a big bowl of berries and yogurt, snack of popcorn and dinner will be miracle noodles with cheese and chicken. Dessert will be a hopefully dense Qwest bar.

I'm going to see the orthopedic specialist tomorrow. So I have a guilt-free no exercise day today--although I did take a lap around the duck pond and went up to the library twice.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Pretty good weekend

I've got to be careful of those "doing great" posts. Apparently they usually mean that a crash is right around the corner. But even still, things aren't too bad. This past weekend was Martin Luther King day. Meaning days off and a Catherine visit--usually a recipe for disaster, but I was okay overall! Saturday was the worst. It was a vegetarian day, which usually isn't a problem, but all I wanted to do on Saturday was to eat meat. I didn't go out of my way to pig out during the day, but in the evening, we dropped C off at the train station and continued on to go to Crystal Hot Springs stopping for dinner along the way. It was a diner, and I suppose I could have made a good choice, but I was hungry and just plain didn't want to.  I ordered biscuits with sausage gravy, scrambled eggs and hashbrowns.

BUT--I got right back on the wagon. I didn't have a problem sticking to the calorie count on Sunday, but I did yesterday. The difference was probably the soup. We ate the last of it on Sunday. I made the mexican version of it yesterday, but it wasn't finished during the day when I was hungry. I had a bowl with dinner and it really helped.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of being hungry. You'd think I had a starved childhood or something. Far from it. Anyway, today is "Walnut Day" and I brought along some soup just in case.

I'm still struggling with exercise, although Dave and I did walk on both Sat and Sun. The struggle is a lame excuse. I CAN walk and BIKE and do the wii and do upper body stuff with the kettlebells, I've just been lazy.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Doing great!

WOW! I am doing great. It's been an emotionally heavy week with family--which may have helped, because they are real appetite killers. But even still---I feel good physically, I've made loads of good choices, and haven't felt unduly stressed by eating so "little" food. Last night I discovered that I like fried ham. And ham does NOT have that many calories! It's surprising. Big hams like at Christmas and Easter, I can take or leave, but last night I made some homemade mac and cheese out of the cooking light cookbook (pretty good), and I fried up some of the leftover ham that was in thin slices (a spiral cut one)--WOW--how have I missed that all my life??? Not quite bacon, but pretty darn tasty!

At the end of the night last night I had enough calories left to have a full serving of 13 of the dark chocolate, sugar, sea-salt almonds and some hot chocolate. Wonderful.

Today is high-fiber. I'm trying not to abuse it as much as I did last week. I had a normal cereal and some fruit for breakfast, ate some of a huge pear for lunch, actually measured and calculated how much popcorn is worth, and had some mac and cheese for lunch (with ww noodles to help fiber count).  Although, I technically could have my beloved pan crust for pizza tonight, I'm opting for the normal crust with a whole lot fewer cal.

One thing I did NOT do was to weigh myself. NO. I am genuinely doing great. I don't want to upset things if I didn't lose a bunch. If I carry on like this eventually, I will lose a bunch.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Continues easy

This is nice. I'm hungry, but weirdly don't mind. Somehow I'm feeling more relaxed, and more like what I'm doing is eating normally and not this huge burdensome effort. I think a couple things are contributing to this.

First, ice-cream. I've had some goodies this week--starting with the crazy huge brownie last Sunday. Last night was fun. We went to the temple and for the first time went to Farr's ice-cream right next to the temple. It has a fun Disney-like happy atmosphere, and was filled with the people we just went to the temple with. I had a small caramel caribou sundae which was simply great.

Second--free food. Today is a 1600 day. I'm a little hungry just now sitting at the desk, but I've discovered that it's not being hungry that bothers me so much, it's being hungry and then just having a small amount of food to look forward to that I don't believe will fill me up that bothers me. Today I have a lean pocket pizza and a cabbage salad. I know from experience that this is not terribly filling. But today that's ok. If I like, I have both zero point soup and also a big hunk of butternut squash. That will certainly get me to dinnertime with reasonable happiness.

The other thing that's really helping is my own pre-made calorie counts. I don't have many made yet, but I've already used the file several times. Today to look at the cabbage salad, the other day to look at leftover spaghetti for lunch. I'm LOVING this. This is my own food. I eat this stuff all the time, in these certain specific combinations---spaghetti, peas, garlic bread for example. I'm loving not having to look up every little thing all the time. When I was preparing lunch today I made up a card for this lunch--it's a simple lunch--pizza pocket and salad, but it will be great to just take a quick a look and know see what it's worth.

Dave works late tonight. I plan to take advantage of the time and exercise and practice harp.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Odd, easy day

Weird not to be struggling today. It's a 1500 cal day which usually freaks me out, but they're not that bad! I'm comfortable with 1800--but even on those days I usually EAT about 1500-1600 cal of real food and the rest is dessert. So all a 1500 cal day means is skip dessert. Not a big deal. Still, it's nice that today feels easy. It was one of those times when I felt that I had loads of calories to play with. A big help is the zero point soup and also the free butternut squash.

I'm using the WW freebies with caution. I'm counting fruit. Veggies, I'm not worrying about too much especially on lite 1500 cal days. Other days I might count it.

Overall, I'm feeling really good. Physically and emotionally too. I feel as if I'm doing good work in the eat right world without going too crazy. Yesterday was 1700 I think. I reserved 700 for the RS "lite dinner." They served waffles--worse, with nutella. I was delighted. I LOVE nutella. They also served big bowls of fruit. I figured one waffle was no problem. I really wanted another--that would have been a problem. I compromised and got another 1/2. Besides the nutella, I loaded it up with blackberries and blueberries.  Still, it was a calorie dense meal, but I'm not too worried about it. It was a good effort.

Right now, I'm in the happy place of needing to eat some spaghetti. I had cream of wheat with blueberries for breakfast, and then I misread my schedule, so I ate my "snack" of a big serving of zero point asian soup, now it's nearly 2 and technically, I haven't had lunch. So, I'll eat spaghetti, and maybe the butternut squash and banana, but certainly the melba toast (I love melba toast) and laughing cow cheese. I made Korean beef barbecue last night. With all that I still have plenty of room to get some ice-cream after we go to the temple tonight. Nice.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Too many vegetables

Phew, there is such a thing as too many vegetables. I had a huge salad (a very good one) for lunch, had a minor family crisis and lost my appetite for dinner. Ate it anyway. A fajita "tostada," Dave loved it. It was just vegetables and then chicken with some fajita mix on them, wrapped in foil and baked. Topping was an avacado, some tomato with lime juice and garlic. Next time I'll just bake the veggies and fry up the chicken a little better. We had it with baked tortilla chips. Good, but I'm glad today is a normal day. I could have had a luna bar yesterday, but I truly didn't have the appetite for it.

Today I had a thin bagel, milk and a banana for breakfast, and will have thin pizza with popcorn and feta stuffed strawberries for lunch. Also a luna bar for a snack. This all adds up to a surprising amount, but it leaves me 700 cal to eat a "lite" dinner at Relief Society tonight.

Exercise continues to be a problem with terrible weather and a dicey leg. Actually, the leg is the question of the day. The last few nights it's hurt enough to keep me up at night in spite of a prescription. Last night it felt better--so much better that I didn't take the prescription. My leg is tired and sore, but it finally feels normal. So do I get the MRI for it on Saturday? I'm going to try some major walking tomorrow and see how it goes.

Monday, January 12, 2015


I fasted yesterday, so I didn't bother to count calories for dinner. We had steak and shrimp and oven fries. I forgot to make a vegetable so we had a little of the asian zero point soup too. Not bad stuff! The thing that was a mistake was my famous coco, coconut brownies. I made half a recipe so there wouldn't be leftovers--that's good. We split what I made in two and ate that. That's bad. I bit the bullet and looked up the calories. 160 per 1/16 of the pan. I ate 1/4 of a pan. PLUS I add nuts, coconut and chocolate chips. I estimate what I ate yesterday was 700 cal. I'd like to think that if I had known that I would have been more careful about counting--yesterday was supposed to be 1500 cal. Actually, it probably wasn't too far off of that even with the brownie. But still, in the spirit of trying to eat right, that much brownie is ridiculous and I knew that perfectly well before I ate it.

On the bright side, I didn't like the way that brownie made me feel. Sugar crash big time. Next time, 1/2 of that brownie will still be more than plenty psychologically and will alas, still be a big calorie hit.

Today is a Hungry Girl day. I'm officially disappointed in her diet book. She has GREAT recipes, but the recipes in her book are repetitive and not really my favorites---lots of salads and stuff like chow mein. I'm still going to keep HG days in the mix though. They are low calorie and BIG portions which I love. Today's oatmeal had apples, walnuts and pumpkin. It was very good. I'll have a huge salad for lunch with the flaming chicken from the other night. Snacks are almonds, string cheese, caramel rice cakes (like those!), Dinner is a weird portobello, chicken tostada. Hopefully, Smiths will have 1 more portobello. Actually, if I like tonight's dinner that will help my attitude about the HG book quite a bit. The meals are interchangeable.

Now, I'm going to look up the calorie count for Einstein's bagels. I'm guess 500-600 for a big bagel? My boss brought some in today to celebrate the first day of school. I'm not eating any today, but maybe tomorrow? With schmear of course. I love bagels. I wish they were lower cal and more filling though. I'll live if I decide not to have one.


That Catherine sounded so happy last night!!
The power of fasting
Gorgeous post on love on facebook
That I get to take classes here
That winter driving hasn't been an issue so far
That Major Fest is coming together
Enough money to buy stuff like shrimp
That we managed to go to SLC and not spend any money

Saturday, January 10, 2015

small meals

I did not eat the sodexo cookie yesterday. Score one! Today's been kind of a fun food day,  helped a lot because we're broke after Christmas. For breakfast I had some cream of wheat and blueberries--195 cal is all. When Dave came home form shopping I had some melba toast and laughing cow cheese. He wanted to get out of the house and take the train to SLC. So we packed a lunch and did. I had a banana on the way down, a ham and swiss sandwich while there, and a luna bar on the way home. Now I'm ready to make that yummy chicken salad, with baked chips and zero point queso dip. I love feeling like good food is ahead. Tomorrow will be good too. I'm fasting during the day, but I got shrimp to have with our steak and I'll make my favorite brownies.

Grateful today for:

The pioneers
extravagent stores like Utah Woolen Mills
Blue skies (today was gray)
a warm house
a warm and comfy bed
a warm and comfy husband.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Not so bad

Based soley on the scale I didn't get anywhere this week. I shouldn't have weighed in. But I'm not as bothered as I usually am. This week saw some good changes--I DID reign it in. I DID stick to the plan---still lots of carbs and poor choices, but lots more good choices too, overall much less sugar, a little more exercise and a trip to the doctor to look at my leg--MRI scheduled a week from tomorrow. That's all good and that's what counts.

I'm excited for this week. A friend sent a great looking salad with sricha-lime chicken and avocados, and I'm going to make the chinese zero point soup. Exercise is problematic--my leg really is hurt and my right hand does too which makes lifting things like kettlebells difficult. But really, it's the leg. Still, I'm able to walk--and did this morning. And I can ride the stationary bike and swim. I'm in the mood to plan next week, and I'm loving adding to my file of calorie planned meals. I added spaghetti and my cabbage salad staple last night. Tonight I'll look up and add some of my favorite Papa Murphys pizza.

The temptation of the moment is cookies. Sodexo--the WSU catering service brought us a bag. I want to save lots of calories for a pizza dinner though. Maybe I'll take one home. I love sugar cookies.

Grateful today for:

Holly at 300 pounds down
Dave and his humor
Horrific craft projects (crocheted shorts) to amuse me

Thursday, January 8, 2015

No. Not a good diet day

Yesterday was simply not a good diet day at all. Between the colon blow, the heavy lunch and two cookies after dinner even I can't justify to myself that I made good choices.

I wonder why I find it so difficult to say NO?  Today we had an event at work, to my surprise, I was offered one of the lunches. I should have said no. I said yes. It was a ham sandwich and a cookie. Huh. Where were the chips? But just as well not to have them. I did take an honest look at the sandwich. I had planned to eat ham strata for 370 cal. In all honesty, I think the sandwich had about the same cal. So that was ok. I also warmed up some zero point soup and had an apple. All good. It was the cookie that did me in. In general, I call all cookies 120 cal. Not this one. This was a big one. I guess I'd better call it 220. I'd call it three hundred or even 350 except that last night I looked up mini-muffins. It seems to me that mini muffins are much less than half of a normal size muffin, but that is what the cookbook says. Ok. That means that Catherine's mini-muffins are going to count as 85 cal. Using that same reasoning the cookie I ate is only twice as big as a normal cookie? I mean, it wasn't one of those giant granny B type cookies, but it was big enough.  Oh well. Enough. I had a white bread sandwich and a cookie. Both terrible choices, but I'll stay within the calorie count.

In an hour I'm going to have the doctor look at my leg. I hope she figures something out. Better put in some gratitude--I'm sounding pretty whiney.

That so many contributed bags for the youth conference today
That it went well
That I finally finished the bills
That so far we can stay on top of the bills
For funny face book things
For my new Karen Harper book
That I was able to go to college
That I have a supportive husband
That harp is at 5 tonight
For our fireplace
For my health
That some of those nursery kids have moved on!
That there are those who are willing and able to do jobs that I have zero desire to do---K-12 teacher, accountant, police, soldier
For my drawing book
That every day is new.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Colon Blow

Today is high fiber. I couldn't help myself. I HAD to start the day with a hearty bowl of Colon Blow. This is a hilarious cereal that we found at a candy store last Christmas. Since all three of us had colonoscopys last year, we had to buy it as a joke. The box amused us for all of that night---Catherine was less amused when she opened it, but even she had to admit that it was pretty funny.  The cereal is just a normal granola, maybe a little worse, because it's loaded with mini chocolate chips. On a normal high fiber day, I would have made a different choice, but to actually have something called colon blow on hand on such a day was too much temptation to resist. Now that I think of it, I meant to have some blueberries with that---that really is high fiber. Darn it.

Yesterday ended up iffy. For our date night Dave took me to an Italian restaurant and then to a fun surfer looking place called Island...something for an ice-cream. Super cute place, we'll have to go back. Overall, I didn't do too badly, and put a substantial amount in the take home box. On the other hand, it was certainly more than the calories I had left. This week I'm willing to make a switch. Rather than Friday being my free day, I made yesterday my free day and Friday will be 1800 cal. It's all good--sort of.

The sort of is because of today. Yes, I'll try and eat high fiber stuff, but I'm also eating the leftover new year's wings and fabulous artichoke dip for lunch because I was planning to eat that on Friday and it isn't technically forbidden today. Dumb thinking, I know. But at least technically on track which I think is important.

It's warmer today. I had wellness time, so I walked for an hour. Thus earning myself 100 cal. AND I'll be able to walk home tonight. So that's good too.

I did get a hold of some index cards and a little box. I've already added a couple of breakfasts, one lunch and a dinner. I think it's going to be a great little tool. Dave is going to try to stay around 550 cal for meals plus a couple of light snacks. I told him to feel free to add to the file anytime. Hopefully it will help him too.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Good first day

Hey, that ham strata was really good! Definitely a do again. I'm proud and glad that I went out of my way to measure and weigh the ingredients. Left to make it on my own I would easily have doubled the ham and tripled the cheese. As it was, it was very tasty and made huge portions for only 379 cal. I was tired last night, so I sat by the fire and ate the last Reeses Christmas tree (170 cal). That felt good too. Exercise is still down because it's been so cold, but it's warm enough today that I think I might walk tomorrow. I did at least ride the bike for 1/2 hour yesterday.

I'm still skittish about the zero point foods. Today I had blueberries for breakfast, peas and carrots with lunch, and because I was starving, a banana for a snack. All healthy, but that's about 200 cal worth of stuff. Today is 1800. I don't know. It would be no problem on maintenance. Even still, if it helps me stay on a better track, then it might be fine now.

So far today:

Breakfast: 1 slice homemade bread with I can't believe it's not buttter, blueberries and 1 cup milk, 2 slices of bacon.

Walk to and from dorms to pick up stuff (20 min)

Snack: banana

Lunch: Ham strata, peas and carrots. Dessert: 7 dk choc sugar almonds (SOOOO good).

Snack because it's freezing in here--25 cal hot chocolate.

Hopefully tonight, we'll drop by the store and pick up some index cards and a recipe file. I want to write down the calorie count of the meals that are common for me--like today's breakfast and tonight's spaghetti so I don't have to keep reinventing the calorie meal. It's ridiculous how often I have calculated out an omlette with laughing cow cheese.

Monday, January 5, 2015

New Start---again

Here's to a new start---again. Not much excitement going on here, but a little more acceptance, that spinning my wheels isn't a total loss. I forgot to weigh myself today--which is probably a good thing. I did weigh myself Friday morning just to get the initial shock over with--207. That's both good and bad news. It's one pound shy of where I started with weight watchers. Hooray. I really showed them didn't I? But at least I didn't do the infamous--gain it all back and then some.

The very good news is that 207 is FAR better than I think I deserve. I was really out of control pretty much from Halloween onwards. Sometimes, I do love my body. God Bless it, it really does take almost as long to put weight on as it does to pull it off. I could be in much bigger trouble. I'm trying very hard not to fret too much about the number. I don't know what it means--did I gain muscle with kettlebell? Did I lose muscle now since I've been hurt? Am I just a giant marshmellow? Short of taking a body composition test (which I'd REALLY rather not do) who knows? I'll just keep trying. I think it's a good sign that I genuinely forgot to weigh this morning.

The bad news is that now I think I can get away with stuff. I ALWAYS think this when it comes to weight control. And the answer is---yes, and no. Yes, I can eat today and not pay a noticeable price. But no, I can't eat today and not pay ANY price. Stuff is going on internally, and it's going to manifest in scary ways. My leg and hand are really hurting for example--I don't know how much is due to inflammation, but I bet what I've been eating hasn't helped. So, try and try and try again.

Today is 1700 cal. I made some zero point soup (sort of) last night. I planned the menu, but I didn't plan the soup since I had Dave get the stuff for it a long time ago. His version of zero point soup has diced potatoes, which I think is not right. Also, we're out of tomatoes. It's ok, I just opened a can of chicken broth, green beans, carrots, diced potatos and mushrooms and heated that up---it's as flavorless as it sounds, I put in a couple chicken boullion cubes and some italian seasoning. I'm ok with this this week. Happily, I never have to eat it again if I don't want to. There are some other zero point soups that sound genuinely fabulous. I'm making the oriental one next week. I just wanted to have it on hand for when I struggle with hunger. As far as the zero point list goes, I think I'll modify it a little. I'm accepting it as zero--but if I have a day where I seem to be wolfing down fruits, I'll count some of them. Also, if I don't lose weight on this plan I'll have to count the fruits and veggie. But for now, I'm not worrying about the soup, or the clemetine, or celery I ate. Feels nice.

So today the menu looks like this:

Breakfast--two slices of Ezekiel bread with 2 tbls of organic peanut butter. 1 cup milk
Snack--clementine, some animal crackers.
Lunch---a roughly 300 cal portion of penne pasta--a WW recipe, but I wasn't on the wagon when I made it so it had extra cheese. 1 roughly 100 cal (I hope) portion of new Papa Murphy cheesy bread. 1 of Jennifer's marshmallow rice balls--I'm saying that's 50 cal. It's mostly marshmallow.

Tonight I'm making a yummy sounding "ham strata" receipe. I got a cooking light cookbook for Christmas and it's from there. It includes fontina cheese and sourdough bread so I'm hoping for great things.

It's too cold still to walk to work. So I'll be sure to do at least a 1/2 hour of something at home. I'm pretty happy with and today and this week--it's a gentle easing in. I'm too overfull to be hungry and today has a lot of carbs. This week also has a high fiber and a free day. I nearly put the free day back, but no. I think it will help me stick to things overall to nail into my head that food isn't going away.

A little thankfulness

That we got Catherine back to school allright
That she's worthy and able to be at BYU
animal crackers
That I can get to the doctor on Thursday
That I've been able to clear away a lot of work today
That Dave doesn't "help" around the house. He's fully my equal---superior actually.

Friday, January 2, 2015

New Year 2015

Happy New Year!!

Here I am again, more or less in exactly the same place where I was three years ago when I started this blog. This could be super discouraging were it not for Hollie's insights and re-definition of success. I mean really. Here it is, the start of a New Year, and yes, I will re-attempt to re-gain some control and lose weight. But I have literally been doing this for the past 40 years and have NEVER gotten to goal weight, or even close. So, no. I don't really believe I'll make it this year--which makes it much harder to stick to any plan. After all, why deprive myself if failure is certain?

So, what if anything, have I accomplished besides driving myself crazy?

I weigh less than I did when we came back from Japan in 1990. While there I gained 30 pounds. Held onto that for about 10 years then dropped about 25 of those pounds, to put me where I am today. While I still weigh much too much, this is FAR better than it might be otherwise. Lots of my friends from high school have fallen to middle age spread. I haven't--sort of. I had middle-age spread in high school so I still look about the same. But that's good!! All this effort HAS STOPPED THE TRAIN WRECK. Yes, I'm overweight and frustrated, but not nearly so much as I might be otherwise. I've been able to stay ahead of both aging, and increased crazy amounts of food that are offered anywhere. This despite poly-cystic ovary syndrome which slows things down.

This gives me hope for the future at least in the next life. I don't know if I'll be resurrected with a perfect sized body, but even if not, perhaps I'll at least have the metabolism I used to have in my teens. This effort in my teens would have pulled the weight off. Maybe, if I keep trying, I'll be rewarded.

Also---I can't measure what diseases I've slown down or prevented. Or how much exercise has helped in so many ways. I know that the holiday overeating and pounds are REALLY bothering my leg, so perhaps I'm keeping myself just on the right side of not being disabled.

SO---well worth making the effort, even if I am a living White Queen, always running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place.

Also---I've been back reading this blog and my so-called "effort" really is pretty lame. I really should be a great deal more grateful that I don't weigh 300 pounds. I really don't know why I don't.

Some gratitude for today

That I don't have 6 cats
Great performances
That Dave and C put the tree away today
That Christmas will come again
My cool new calendar
That tomorrow is payday
That tomorrow is always a new day.