Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

In the pack!!

Tired but triumphant today!! I ran the Ogden Midnight Run last night and I really did run most of it. It was soo much fun!!! Everyone had glow sticks and a few even had electic mohawks. The BEST part was that for the first time in my life I was IN THE PACK!! Not dead last. This is HUGE for me. In high school when I swam, I was literally last for two years. Even in our stake 5 k I have come in last or pretty darn nearly close to last. the SLC marathon me and Catherine were last by such a large margin that the race was closed up ahead of us. But last night I got to run in the group. I loved it. I want to try again as soon as I can. Also triumpant--Lisa came up today and we hashed out a lot of ideas to settle the family. We've both been very anxious and stressed out about this, but I think things are going to be ok. I'm proud of all the work she's done and I'm proud of me too for not running away from this. Food choices today were awful, but at least I enjoyed them to the hilt. Dominos parmesan bites are to die for.

Friday, June 29, 2012

454 Dave up

Poor Dave, he lost a bunch on weight watchers before we moved here and is gaining it back. I want to help him, he's pretty unhappy about it. It convinces me more than ever, that if you don't deal with the psychological issues, you're living on borrowed time. I KNOW I still have major issues. Just in reading Sean's blog there are days that I read when I'm thinking, "Forget it! Will you just enjoy the restaurant?!!!" You know things are bad when you can't even read about self discipline without wanting to find excuses to cheat. It IS a battle and you can't fake motivation. I keep trying but it doesn't work. Luckily, I don't need to feel motivated--I just need to make good choices. Those auto-good choices are what's keeping me from gaining the weight back (although I was afraid to weigh in today), but it isn't enough to get me moving downward. Dave is in Montana this weekend and the 4th of July is next week (I was supposed to be faithful to 1800 cal until the 4th--it's been a pretty weak attempt), we're going to try to pull together after that.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

452 the wedding

Hey! It's working at work today!! YAY!! That does make my life much easier. Anyway, to do a little catching up--I went to the long anticipated wedding that promised unlimited amounts of bread, cheese and olives. No cheese--but plenty of olives AND tortellini and ceasar salad--all weaknessnes. I had two platefuls. Nobody else had two plates---granted nobody was watching and I really don't think anybody cared, but I was embarrassed. I vowed that this was it. Never again would I take two platefuls when everyone else only took one. I meant it too---still do. Talk about a red flag that I'm eating too much! But the very next day we had some friends up for dinner. We ate fajitas outside--and I went back for a small plate of seconds---this was a little different--I thought that others would take more too, but they DIDN'T. Okay---rule needs changing--the obvious change is to simply take ONE plate in public period. But at the very least I'm going to wait and see if the general consensus is to have more than one--if so (like at work when everyone just planned to have 2 slices of pizza) then maybe it's ok in a blue moon. But on the whole. ONE just ONE plate--and it doesn't need to be heaping full either! Today I'm sort of casually on track. Good breakfast and lunch--not counted, but good. Dinner will be our Somalian dinner, but I think it will be pretty diet friendly as well. A kind of beef stew, a little flat bread and a coconut sort of pudding thing for dessert.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

451 Blogspot

Ack!! Longest stretch ever not blogging!! Not entirely my fault--blogspot has gone weird and I can't post at work. Obviously, I'll have to set up new patterns of behavior, this blog is very important to me. Still hanging in there, still trying. Bought new running shoes, did some dance dance tonight and am still grappling with 1800 calories. Blew it at Morgan's wedding. But more on that tomorrow.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

441 Olive Garden

We took Dad out to Olive Garden today. It was the right thing to do even if the Olive Garden wasn't great for choices. Why are the breadsticks so hard to resist there? Really, they arent even that good--not very buttery or garlicy at all. I can think of MUCH better bad bread products---Dominoes parmesan bites leap to mind for carb-heaven heart-attack perfection. Whatever. I had four and some mushroom ravioli with some violently orange colored sauce--quite good. I can sort of justify the Olive Garden--it's harder to justify the bread, cheese and popcorn that I had for dinner. It's done though. I will move on. Tomorrow's Father's Day, which shouldn't actually be too terrible. I'm getting up early and fixing german pancakes, and Dave bought some gigantic steaks. I honestly think I can refrain from gobbling up the steaks. I'm due to make brownies too, but I think I can make those a positive thing this week---I love to have rich desserts and a small brownie-bite size helping through out the week should help me feel satisfied. The trick will be to just have a normal size brownie tomorrow instead of the 1/4 of the pan that I will want to have.

Friday, June 15, 2012

441 Protien

Good thing I weighed yesterday--185 today--which is still fine. I've reversed going the wrong direction before it became really serious and I'm heading back down with determination. I think today's weigh would have been better if I hadn't eaten so darn late. It's tough--with Dave's late teaching schedule, I often eat earlier which I don't like to do, but I don't like eating at 8 p.m. either! Yesterday though I mowed the lawn first. I also need to be sure I'm having something every three hours or so (that's the wisdom from many other bloggers who are successful), it had better just be a few veggies or something--I don't want to add even more times during the day when I'm triggered to eat. Anyway--we had soy meat for the spaghetti last night. Not bad, not great. I accidentally cooked it in the microwave--not just thawed it, and then fried it up. Dave thinks it might be better if we cook it fresh. I think it'll taste the same regardless--like cheap school lunch meat. Once in a while I won't mind. Today apparently my body wants PROTEIN. I had two hard boiled eggs for breakfast--something I never never have. And for lunch, even though I was dead tired yesterday, I fried up some chicken and am having a wrap with chicken, creamcheese, green onions, jalapenos and salsa. I had no choice about the chicken--my body was demanding protien. OK!!! Tonight I'll have calories for a full 1/2 of a DiGorno's pizza--and since I didn't have milk with breakfast, I'll have cookies and milk for dessert. Tomorrow will be tough--we're going to SLC to take Dad out for father's day and I don't know where we're going. I'll just do my best--what else can I do? Father's day itself shouldn't be too bad--Dave wants steak and potatoes. I think I'll just make that day a "simply filling" day and then keep plowing on with 1800. Thank goodness I lost some this week. I needed the encouragement.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

440 Hey hey!!!

184 the day before weigh day!! Honestly, I'd be so much happier if I threw away the scale, but it's not going to happen. I kind of like weighing on both Thurs and Fri and then I can pick the lower of the weights and feel justified about it. :) But I'm really excited about this!!! Apparently the 1800 cal IS working!! And I feel SOOOO much better. I'm eating exactly what I want to, much more than I felt able to on WW. I really do think I was short on fats on WW--this was at least partly my fault for not following the program properly--ww wants you to have 2 tsp of oil every day--that's fine, but they also wanted me to count those oil points! No WAY! The points are too chintzy as it is! Anyway, I'm feeling much more contented both physically and psychologically. Also, it's helping right now to have a lot of calories to count--really, it doesn't translate into all that much food, but when I have 1800--and lots of things are only a few calories--like carrots--those are only 35, it makes me feel like I have tons of calories left. And even last night when I planned to blow 450 on a hamburger--that still gave me lots of calories to work with for the rest of the day. That hamburger worked out well---again I took pretzel sticks and an apple to eat with it on the way to SLC and it was great. I honestly enjoyed it and wasn't feeling like I really wanted fries. I really didn't, and I think it's because I'd had enough fats earlier in the day. Today is interesting psychologically too. I was a little hungry when I went to bed last night and I didn't mind. This morning I didn't make a very filling choice for breakfast--2 granola bars a banana and some milk. But I brought some cherries and some pretzels and dip for a snack so I felt abundant--I was eating the cherries on the desk and thank goodness I had a cancellation because I was STARVING for lunch. The thing is though, I didn't mind starving. I just finished a thin bagel with cheese, an entire can of lite progresso chicken soup, 10 olives, and the pretzels and dip--plus a few carrots and red pepper strips. It was a light lunch and even now, I just feel okay physically--it's been a light food day so far. But for some reason I don't mind. I'll be having a great big helping of spaghetti later on with some bread and a ww ice-cream bar too if I want. I guess I just feel as though I have some room to move. I feel as though there are enough calories that I really can have snacks and desserts and reasonable meals--which I never really felt free to do on ww. Oddly, I'm liking being able to go below the calorie limit too if I want. I'd never want to go much below, but it comforts me to know that if I skip dessert or something I won't throw my body into starvation mode. Again, unlike WW which is always at rock bottom, so you really don't want to leave points uneaten at the end of the day (not that that was ever a problem). I will say though, if and when I succeed in this venture I will owe a debt to WW. Much as I fight and whine about it, it has helped me with portion control in breakfast at least and helped me find wonderful recipes and also--by fighting with ww, I've learned to be more contented with 1800. This isn't the first time I've tried 1800, but this IS the first time I've felt happy with it. Mostly today I'm just happy to be heading down in the right direction again.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

439 escaping floats

Not bad not bad!! Yesterday's breakfast of artesian bread and cheese and fruit held me pretty well and I enjoyed my fattening lunch and wasn't too hungry by dinner time. The mushrooms were great. I went to Relief Society and they served up huge rootbeer floats. I like floats, but they're not a big favorite to die for dessert. I left and went over to Sis. Mead's house to say hi. Good choice on both fronts. I did get up early and walked a brisk 5K with Dave. Even so--I'm nervous that the scale won't tell me good things because being hungry or dissatisfied always seems to be a pre-requisite to weight loss. So now I'm paranoid---am I really eating 1800? Am I miscalculating? But regardless of what the scale tells me Friday I'm going to press on with this until July 4. I'm enjoying it, I'm making good choices overall and even the bad choices are restrained. Mostly, I'm just pleased that this is so much easier that the last time I tried 1800 cal. Today's menu is: Breakfast stawberries, milk thin bagel with laughing cow cheese Snack Banana with chocolate PB2 Lunch, Tortilla wrap applesauce olives a Reeses peanutbutter egg!!! YAY!! Dinner a burger king bacon burger (not the whoppers) pretzels apple That leaves a few calories if I want something after coming back from Salt Lake. Now--if I can just find the time to sneak in a nap somehow.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

438 an apple

I am LIKING this 1800 business!! It shouldn't make a difference--after all, I can eat anything I like on WW too, but just counting calories seems to give me more leeway and I think perhaps I'm eating a little more fat--which sounds like a bad thing, but maybe it's really what my body needs. For one thing I've noticed that I'm not running to the bathroom every 5 minutes even though I'm still drinking a ton of water and those sudden urges that plague me on weight watchers haven't been an issue so far. Too early to tell for sure, but I'm enjoying feeling normal in that area again--I'll take it as long as it lasts. Now, I'm not eating a bunch of junk---I can't on just 1800, but I am eating what my body wants--yesterday for example: breakfast was an old staple--cream of wheat made with milk and topped with berries. Snack--pretzels (exactly 53 pretzel sticks) with swiss onion dip, lunch a taco salad--lots of spinach, with peppers and tomatoes, 3 oz of meat, 1 oz of cheese, 1/2 cup of plan yogurt and lots of hot sauce, I also had exactly one serving of dynamite Dorito sticks and a whole wheat tortilla. Really satisfying. For dinner I had planned a 6 in Subway sandwich and had budgeted 140 calories for some baked chips. Here's the thing though--in the morning the apples looked really good to me. I took one along just in case, and when it came down to it having the apple sounded SOOO much better and more satisfying to me than the chips so that's what I did! I actually skipped the chips. VERY unusual behavior for me and I loved it. I went to SLC and got some good work done, then came home and had a ww snickers ice-cream bar (I do love ww food). So it was a very successful food day, although not a good exercise day. I'm giving part of the credit for the good food day to prayer--I really need to remember to ask for divine help more often, it's obvious that I need help. And part of the credit to the fact that by the time I got to dinner, I had already given my body what it needed so I wasn't wanting junk. Today I walked to work--so thats a step (ha!) in the right direction. Calorie-wise my plan is perfect, but I'm experimenting with being a little foolish. Breakfast and dinner will be good choices (those portobello mushrooms!!), but lunch is leftover pizza! Two big pieces of it with a cabbage salad. High calorie and low on being filling. A poor choice--except that I love pizza and that's what I want!! It means less snacks and a light dinner and no goodies at the RS thing tonight. Will it be worth it? I'll find out. In the meantime I'm wrapping my mind around the idea of actually getting up early tomorrow so I can get my exercise in. I nearly forgot! Something nice I read yesterday. In Sean's blog--which I read his day that corresponds to mine, he has hit a plateau--for the first time in over a year he failed to lose weight. His solution? He needs to change things up a bit--perhaps ADD a couple hundred calories, and change his workout around. This was supported by one of his readers who also added a bit to boost her metabolism and keep losing weight. WONDERFUL!! At the moment this doesn't apply to me, since the reason for my plateu of six months is no mystery--I've been overeating. But its great to hear that the solution to a stall isn't always just more and more restrictions.

Monday, June 11, 2012

437 stop spiral

Hmph---you'd think after all this time I'd know better than to get on the scale on a non-weigh day. I won't share. Like Honor Warren of myjourneytofindingme.blogspot.com said in her post, if this was easy everybody would be a normal weight. I've got a great day planned and I'll stick to it. This morning, probably because I'm going to SLC to clean Mom's house and I always dread going to SLC, I began a familiar cycle of ugly thoughts. Mostly based on the fear of tough decisions I might need to make in the future. In my mind I was rehashing all kinds of reasons etc etc etc. when it dawned on me that I don't need to rehash reasons--there are reasons enough. If I decide to act, I don't need a current crisis--enough damage has already been done. Okay. I don't need to wind myself up to brace for some action. I think most of what I stress over is trying to justify thoughts or actions to myself. This IS justified--so I can at least be at peace in my own mind. The only question now is what is the better course of action? If I can be at peace generally, then I can make a better decision. I realize that none of this makes sense--but it doesn't matter. For once I was able to stop the upsetting cycle and that's REALLY important. It means I'm getting stronger.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

436 Dip and Chinese

I thought I'd written about yesterday---I did, but it was as an email to someone so it doesn't count as a blog post. Yesterday went well--there wasn't much at the BBQ that I felt compelled to inhale except for the Lays chips and dip made with real sour cream. Oh yum. I need to make sure I have this more often so I don't feel the need to abuse it. In fact, I think I will make a point of having it on the 4th of July. Today also went very well with 1800 cal. I had my normal Sunday morning pancake and milk---thanks to weight watchers for helping me to become accustomed to ONE pancake--not a whole stack. That was 300 cal. For lunch I had a nice chunk of artesian bread, a cabbage salad, some fancy olives a cup of soup and some cheese curds. Dinner was sweet and sour pork from the Lion House cookbook, 1/2 cup of rice and three potstickers. That even left enough calories for dessert--1/2 cup light ice-cream with some chocolate sauce a little coconut and walnuts and lite whipped cream and a 100 cal pack of fudge stripes. That sounds like a lot of food--it is and it isn't. Yes, it's a lot, but it's far less than I would have eaten if I hadn't been counting. I would certainly have had more bread, cheese, rice, potstickers and made popcorn too. Right now, I'm lightly satisfied, but what's important is that I'm MENTALLY satisfied. I feel as though I ate abundantly and richly. I need to be careful not to let the exercising go to pot. I didn't do much yesterday and hardly anthing today. Tomorrow is hard as well because I'm driving to work so I can drive directly to SLC afterward. Working on Mom's house is work, but not a workout--it should be, but the fact is that I'm just plain not as vigourous a house cleaner as I need to be in any sense of the word. On other beauty fronts I colored my hair for the first time in my life today! Zsuzsi enlightened me about "semi-permanent" color--this stuff will wash out in 6 weeks so I don't need to pay big bucks at a salon for the rest of my life and I wasn't going to be committed to something I hated if it didn't work. But it DID work!! It's just my natural color--maybe just a smidge darker, but it covers up the gray. Also--to keep myself on track and working toward REALLY solving my weight problem and not just pretending to work hard on it. I think I'm going to take the 12 step book to work and do a little each day there. I can always bring it home if I sense a huge emotional upheaval coming on, but it's important to keep working even if lamely on the problem.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

435 counting

All righty! Starting today I'm counting calories, and like any new project it seems much more exciting. Since I do have the BBQ tonight I'm having 800 cal for breakfast and lunch and then not worrying too much at the BBQ---if it's just hamburgers and chips I should easily stay within range even if there is cake. I wasn't hungry for breakfast so all I had was a banana. For lunch, which I am hungry for now, I'm going to have 2 bacon sandwiches, (w light bread and 4 slices bacon) Dorito dynamite sticks and 8 olives. That only brings the day's total to 660. Dave got some terrific 100 cal snacks, and I made some hungry girl chocolate pretzel cookies--so I can have some thing good there too.

Friday, June 8, 2012


186--and my pants feel tight. But it's a pound less than last week (and yesterday) and the pants did just come out of the washer. 1800 cal starting Sunday--of course I can't start tomorrow--heaven forbid--I'm going to a graduation party barbecue and Russ is cooking. Russ is a chef. I wonder what a plan of 1800 cal--whenever it's convenient--will do? But, you say, isn't that exactly what you've been doing since Christmas and you haven't lost anything?--well, not really!! There have been many many many days where I had no particular reason to overeat but did anyway and I've been maintaining. Now, if I make an honest effort 90% of the time---that includes tomorrow with a good breakfast, lunch and exercise and also a plan not to go crazy at the BBQ (unless he serves appetizers, then all bets are off)-maybe I'll get somewhere. Okay, I know I'm making excuses and being ridiculous. But I'm trying to cope with the reality of simply NOT wanting to do this. I am truly the rebel dieter. If I wanted to eat right, I'd BE eating right and I wouldn't have this problem. I AM genuinely excited for next week though. I hope 1800 cal will blast me back to the right side of 185.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

433 who ate my blog?

Wow!! I'm inspired--I just found a blog called--whoatemyblog? This guy is celebrating 300 pounds LOST!! He's in the "homestretch" now with only 90 odd pounds left to lose. Yes! I can do it too! It occurs to me though--as wonderful as it is to read these blogs about successful people who are worse off than I am, even more I need to be reading blogs by athletes who take care of their bodies as part of the normal course of events. It was helpful to have my body building co-worker here (he's moved on). He watched what he ate FAR more carefully than I would ever want or need to. The more examples I can see like that the better.--I do read about runners and mountain climbers--I think it's time to expand my reading list and also my workouts. I did walk to work today and I think I'll make a point of doing some dance dance too. Tonight will feature a new recipe of stuffed portabello's. I've been doing well this week, but was dumb enough to get on the scale today. I think regardless of what the scale says tomorrow--I will put myself on 1800 cal until the 4th of July and see if that shakes things up a bit.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

432 prepared

A good day yesterday and I'm planning a good day today. Luckily I came to work prepared with a snack I really wanted--some wasa crisp bread with swiss and onion spread--that spread is GREAT! only 2 points for a big serving of it. I didn't use nearly that much. Good thing I brought that today instead of just trying to tough things our with a snack of carrots or something (does that actually curb anybody's appetite?). My co-worker announced that she's pregnant and brought bagels in to celebrate. I wish I had known in advance-I would have had one for breakfast, but I didn't--and happily since I had my wasa and spread I ate that instead of a bagel. I'm pretty proud of myself. Lunch will be soup, sandwich, 100 cal popcorn and an apple and for dinner I'm stopping at the Pita Pit on the way to SLC to work on Mom's house.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

431 chicken

Feeling better about things today. I ate well yesterday--walked to and from work and did some gardening, and tracked my points. I even made a ton of chocolate chip cookies for Relief Society and only ate the two I counted. I did dip a little into the cookie dough--but not too much! Today is also on track, but I'm feeling a little suspicious about it because I've really eaten well so I think I can't possibly be ok--but I am--and hooray for food! Breakfast was 2 slices of bacon, an omlete with a laughing cow cheese and veggies, a thin slice of artesian bread and butter, 1/2 cup of milk and blueberries. It felt good. Snack was carrots--which was totally unsatisfying, but I knew I had a good lunch coming. Lunch was pineapple chicken, 1/2 cup couscous, carrots (probably could have planned the veggie better--didn't even think about it), an egg roll and 1 chocolate chip cookie. Dinner will be tacos--3 if we still have hard shells, one if we dont, 1/2 cup beans, a cabbage salad, watermelon and another cookie. A satisfying day. I ought to work out the calories on all this and see what it comes to. Sometimes I feel as though I get more on ww and sometimes it would be better to count calories. Hungry Girl has a chicken bacon avacado burger---it's only 380 calories--but that is 10 ww points!!!! I'm only supposed to be eating 26 points a day!! (I'm going with 29 pts which is what they told me when they started this new program). I know, I know, the rest of the calories are supposed to come from free fruits and veggies---but still!!! How does anyone save any points to use later in the week?? Based on that burger a full 30 points would only be 1140 calories! No wonder I'm always hungry. But...on the other hand---today's offering seem quite plentiful and I do like being able to eat fruits and veggies freely. Still---if I counted everything I could almost eat fruits and veggies freely--they have very low calorie totals after all.

Monday, June 4, 2012

430 cake

Love cheese curds and ate way too many because it was fast Sunday so I could--right? Whatever! Yesterday's discoveries were both good--the pork with peaches and plums from weightwatchers was really good and satisfying. And the chocolate ganache cake was GREAT. It didn't come out of the pan very well--but other than that---wow, yum!!! I need to write that recipe down and put it in my little yellow file of really good recipes. Also, I need to hole punch the Hungry Girl receipies and put them where they belong before they get all lost and mangled. I've put out a plea on facebook for motivation and I think I'll spend some time on the OA website. I have some time today--I think I'll also look and see if the lds 12 step program is online. It would really help time-wise if it were. The other thing I'm thinking about is taking a break from Weight Watchers and counting calories for awhile. I seem to be doing more or less all right maintaing--what I need is help losing. Diet plans are like exercise plans--they certainly get boring after awhile!!! Maybe I need to change things up a little bit--just like I change exercise up a little bit. I don't want to do anything unhealthy and it all amounts to the same thing--eat less, eat less, eat less--but maybe I'll be better able to actually EAT LESS with some variety in the plans. I'll have to think about what I want to do. I'm motivated by another story of a girl who lost 100 lbs by eating 1500 cal a day--the same as Sean. I liked her--she admitted that hunger was a big problem, but she would think to herself that "the fat cells are dying." She's now at 230 and hopes to get to 200. 1500 cal is too little for me--but I might try a range of between 1800 and 2000. Maybe the 1800 can be whatever I want--even junk food, but if I need more and go up to the 2000 then that last 200 cal needs to be healthy stuff. Maybe I can do that for a month and then come back to weight watchers? I can still use weight watchers "simply filling" days if I really get to starving. I just want to get to 170 and then maintain at that level for awhile. I like the maintaining phase--I can practice intuitive eating and let my body adjust to that level so I don't have to exist on tiny portions to maintain the new weight--but I need to GET to 170 and I'm having a devil of a time actually making the decision to do what I need to do. I'm just WANTING those cheese curds or whatever much more than I'm wanting to get to 170. It's as though I'm a little kid with no concept of self-denial or delayed gratification at all. Maybe I've just begun to hit the root of the crazy behavior and thinking and my mind is protecting the craziness--maybe that's why I'm fighting so hard against change--the solution--is to keep trying---maybe I'm closer to success than I realize and it's triggering all kinds of bad behaviors. Press on! Press on!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

428 sundae

Sigh. Skipping blog days is never a good sign. Not a good weekend--and that's discouraging, because my mind is still very much in a "lets get it done" kind of a mode. So what happened? Movie popcorn--ok, that was planned for. But the sandwiches afterward and a chocolate ice-cream sundae?? What was that about? Was it that I knew today was fast Sunday? I think I really need to go back to working through the 12 step programs. I'm self-sabotaging too much and I don't know why. Today we're having a ww receipe for dinner--a pork roast with peaches and plums. Also a chocolate ganache cake from the cooking light magazine. Today will be on track--and the plan is for next week to be on track too--I can walk to work on most days and I'm making some muffins today for breakfast and some zero point soup too.

Friday, June 1, 2012

426 Iron Woman

187--phooey. I was on track yesterday--but had dinner much later than I had planned. I guess I shouldn't have the "simply filling" plan the day before I weigh. Oh well. Try and try again. And again. The thing that's got me bugged is that I have to submit a weight verification today. Funny how much I hate to do that when the scale isn't going to tell me what I want to hear. What's the problem? I already know the truth--I'm already comitted to getting where I want to be--the end of June will see a MUCH better number. Anyway---I walked (it was 90 degrees) the last 5K yesterday to complete a full iron man! Wahoo! Now I can officially wear the shirt Catherine got me--AND I can officially "receive" the medal too. I think I might do it again in November. Wow--suddenly I'm so sleepy--this isn't a good sign--it's only 8:36 a.m. I have a long way to go in the work day.