Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, June 20, 2011



Two hours and 10 minutes more at work and then I'm officially on vacation!  To ARUBA!!  I just love the thought of saying--"I'm going to Aruba tomorrow" and have it be actually true.  Mom is feeling much better, so that helps me feel less guilty about going.

Food-wise is going to have to be a matter of prayer the whole time.  I sort of am tracking today, but it's hard, because I have no idea what's for dinner tonight--we're just trying to eat as many perishables as we can before we leave--which is good because that means fruits and veggies (and a full loaded ice-cream cupcake from Coldstones)  I had cream of wheat for breakfast, a pork chop and a salad for lunch, a 3 pt snack of crackers and then just now--four squares of a Ritter sport hazelnut chocolate bar--whoops!  what was that?  The rationale--if you can call it that, was that I meant to take one or two squares, but the other two just fell out and they were the only two left and the candy bars been there for weeks now and it seemed silly to leave it any longer...Huh?  There is a perfectly good garbage can by my side--or I could have left it.  Chocolate lasts forever. I'm glad I just wrote this.  I'm going to go on the WW site right away and track the silly thing.   I find I do enjoy my indugences much much more if I know they aren't going to hurt me.  Had I tracked that candybar first it would have been more delicious.   Live and learn.
   Tomorrow we don't leave until the late afternoon.  So--fridge foraging for breakfast and lunch and then airport food for dinner.  I LOVE airport food.  I'm weird, I love airports.  To me they mean romance and adventure.  I even love airplane food---little compartments of lots of different stuff.  I will try hard to remember that Burger King is Burger King whether it's in an airport or in the city--it's the same thing. So---no tracking and probably no blogging until I get back. 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Almost vacation!


80 days--simply unbelieveable. If I do say so myself, I have done simply great. I have eaten A LOT of food--but usually it's been me that's been in control.  I think my body and mind are very gradually changing in the feeling that I want to get after I eat.  Last night we ate out and I quit before I was overstuffed because I just sort of seemed to be done and I knew we were having cake later.  Tonight we had pork chops and peaches--for Dave's birthday,  a family favorite.  I ate my chop, rice and corn on the cob and was done.  It was a good place to be done--I'd eaten plenty, and by not having seconds means I get to take a pork chop to work tomorrow--but still, I could have eaten more but I was done.  These feelings are very new and fragile and I wish vacation was a little later so I could engrain them more firmly, but I suppose in the grand scheme of things even if I go completely bananas and go cruise ship pig out--it will only be a temporary setback.  I wish I could promise to be devoted and stick to healthy choices, but realistically.....? 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Fried food


 I am BUSHED.  After a busy morning preparing for trip stuff--God bless Dave, he got the swamp cooler working, we went to SLC and did some very good work at my mom's house.  Dave got the upstairs bathroom working.  Me and Catherine moved her bed upstairs.  Everything is clean---or as clean as it gets at mom's house.  There's just a point where things become so old and awful that they simply can't be cleaned.  Mom reached that point about 10 years ago and it's discouraging.  It's just too much for her.  I think from here on out I will try to make it down at least once a week to help out.  After Moms we went to Dad's to drop off a Father's day card--he wanted to go out to dinner--and we had planned to go to Thaifoon at the Gateway for Catherine's 18 1/2 birthday.  So we arranged to meet at 6.  Went to visit Mom---doing great thank goodness. Then to the gateway --lots of fun! It was the sidewalk chalk festival and there were some amazing chalk paintings. Browsed the stores--me and C found terrific jackets on sale at Christopher and Banks for only 11 dollars! Normally over 50.  Dave found a gorgeous suit jacket for only $7 at Old Navy.  I took my Nook to Barnes and Noble and got a little coaching on it.  Then we went to dinner.  I didn't count points today, but breakfast and lunch were right on.  Dinner was Thai food.  Surely over points, but I ate what I wanted and was pleased that I didn't particularly want to gorge.  Catherine ordered the coconut shrimp.  I ate one of hers--she's lucky it was only one.  It was fabulous.  Next time I want the coconut shrimp.  It is truly bad for you--but wow.  All I can say is that there has been far too little deep fried food since I joined weight watchers.  (Oh, okay, really I pretty much gave it up long before ww--but they are a nice place to dump the blame.)   Did a little more browsing after dinner, stopped back at Dad's (depressing) because Christine had some presents for C and Dave.  Stopped by Coldstones to pick up ice-cream cupcakes which is what Dave wanted for tomorrow's Fathers Day/birthday.  Came home, ate the cake I made for C yesterday with some first rate ice-cream(ben and jerry's).  Wrapped some presents, played a song or two on the harp. Cleaned up the kitchen a bit, took a shower and I'm ready to drop.

Friday, June 17, 2011



oh for heaven's sake--this is the third week in a row that my official Friday weight is more than my midweek non-official weight.  194--a pound down, which is great, but really?  It's no wonder that so many people quit when trying to lose weight. In the big picture, people actually lose weight rather quickly.  Considering that I've been overweight for nearly 50 years, it seems only right that it would take at least 10 years to recover.  But it doesn't.  I could actually lose all I need to lose in only a year or so.  Sounds great, but the immediate present is almost NEVER great.  If I actually maintain a losing pace of 1 pound a week--which is a bit unrealistic, I'm bound to plateu or go up from time to time---that would be fantastic--only one year---I'd be finished.  But I don't live in the big picture.  The day to day reality is that at that pace means in an entire month I'd only be down 4 measly pounds--not enough to make a visible difference. And a month FEELS like a very long time when it's filled with almost hourly temptations to eat more than I should. In the short run, the rewards are no where near worth the effort it costs to attain them.  And lets not forget that the scale is often arbitrary.  Also, small lapses can have big consequences that take weeks to work off.   The whole thing is really discouraging.  I'm not exactly discouraged today, I think I'm dreading putting on weight in Aruba, and just wishing it wasn't so hard and didn't take so long.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

fried balls of cheese!


I've never paid attention before to how my moods fluctuate.  Yesterday was a bit of a down day--nothing serious--just a little tired, a little blue, and I think the idea of going down to SLC was oppressive.  Today is a brighter day.  Oddly, I don't think my moods impact my eating overall. That is to say--since EVERY mood triggers a desire to eat whether I'm happy or stressed or sad or whatever, it doesn't really matter what mood I'm in-if that makes sense. However, it's still very early in this new lifestyle.  Maybe one of the results is that I'll become much more aware of what's going on and how it affects me. 

ANYWAY---YIKES!  I was looking at the Aruba guidebook and it looks like a food disaster.  I have no idea how I'll cope with this! Cheese is my weakness and this island was settled by the Dutch. Deep fried balls of cheese are an island staple.  Uh oh.  Also spiced meat wrapped in cheese.  Even sitting here in the US without temptation in front of me, I don't feel particuarly inclined to practice moderation. How will I respond in the face of the deep fried cheese ball truck?  I truly don't want to throw away all my hard work.  I've worked too hard!  But it's unlikely that I'll ever get to Aruba again and I don't want to miss out on anything.

Ok--lets work on that statement "I don't want to miss out on anything."  Maybe it will help to remember that it's impossible not to miss out on food--in Aruba or anywhere else.  Even if I ate non-stop 24/7 (hey....) there would still be delicasies I would miss, and worse, if I found something I loved--I can't eat a lifetime's worth in a few days. No matter how much of whatever I eat--if I like it, I will still want it when I get back to the states.  It's impossible to eat so much of anything that I will never want it again---which I think is what I'm trying to do on some level. So it doesn't matter if I have one serving or ten or skip it altogether--the Aruba food will be out of my life when the trip is over.  This will cost me a small pang--as coming home from vacation always does--eating gargantuan amounts won't help with this---in fact, it will only make it worse.

I think that helps.  It would be super exciting if I could actually lose weight on vacation.  I think I'll make that my goal--it will help me not go completely crazy.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Chicken Cordon Bleu


Oh my! Catherine is a wonderful cook and last night she made a 7 point Chicken Cordon Bleu to die for. I didn't get too much last night though!  Instead, I acted in a thoroughly naturally thin fashion--yea!  There's hope yet.  Immediately after work (5:00) I had an eye appointment (5:15) and then visiting teaching (5:30) and then relief society meeting (6:30) and then I was hoping to maybe get some Aruba shopping in.  I had asked C to make dinner--so after visiting teaching at 6:20 I thought I ought to at least stop home and acknowledge the work and make sure it was put away.  I'm glad I did!  She was actually in the process of putting it away.  But I was hungry and had no idea when I could sit to a proper meal.  So I grabbed a little plate and put on a little piece of chicken and watermelon just to hold me over--and ate that while I was taking out my contacts. Turns out that C was supposed to come to RS after all--so we bolted out the door just a little late.  Naturally, RS had dessert---I had to weigh whether their dessert was better than C's banana bread.  Yes, but only because I knew the banana bread would be there tomorrow.  We split a dessert and went shopping.  Great time shopping! Everything fit--it wasn't a smaller size, so I wasn't surprised that it fit, but everything does look nicer. Picked up Dave at 8:30 and wasn't particuarly hungry so didn't worry about more food, instead just packed a nice big breast for lunch today.   Since I was so good yesterday, I couldn't help but get on the scale today (after all, who knows what horrors it might reveal on Friday--better get on while the getting's good).  193
BRAVO!  That ties my record low from my last bout with WW. The difference is that I don't feel at all inclined to quit this time, whereas last time I was barely hanging on and hating every minute.   Eating the extra points everyday is really helping.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A little stressed


Way too much to do and not nearly enough time.  So what else is new?  You know what's really bugging me today though? Stupid thing.  Catherine has a paper route and needs to find a sub while we're in Aruba.  She got a hold of one of the Gudgell girls in our ward.  Sweet girl and super excited about the route. Seems reliable too.  Dave had his doubts.  Well.  She didn't show up this morning.  Dave, who didn't think she would follow through was all for letting Emily do it instead. I don't care WHO does it, but I do care that we don't hurt Keira's feelings.  And now that I"ve had time to think about it, I think Dave and C were too hasty in giving the job to Emily.  So I feel bad and it's not even my problem!

I did clear some ground today in figuring out just what and when stuff is going to happen--that feels good.  Practiced my presentation and cooked up a handout.

Food-wise is ok.  I'm getting used to the program and even though I would like a lot of things, I'm ok with not having them---especially since I was down a pound this morning (maybe Tuesday should be my weigh in day).  This whole process will take a lot of time though.  All these healthy habits are still very much external.  I would like to eat a whole lot more and it would be SO EASY to eat a whole lot more.  I'm cautiously optimistic--but if I were at goal weight today it would be super easy to turn around and put it all back on.

Good news for today!!  I'm wearing a shirt that's never fit before!!!!  YEA!!!

Monday, June 13, 2011



Ok! finally! WW had a few words on maintenence on their website.  Not only that, but a little good sense as well.  I have encountered WAAAAAY too many ww dieters and worse, leaders, who claim they don't eat their extra weekly allotment and never the activity points.  This is very hard for me to hear because I want to be successful, but I simply don't want to live that kind of a lifestyle.  Messages like the one I read yesterday where a lifetime member said, "I eat a few more points, but basically it's the same as what I was doing before" do NOT inspire me.  I admit this is mostly because I have in mind some person who is eating in a highly restricted way that I would never want to do, but also because I hope not to have to count points so rigidly all my life.  I DO expect to have to closely monitor my weight, work out and watch what I eat---but I hope to slowly morph into a more intuitive lifestyle where what a WANT to eat pretty much matches what I should be eating.

Anyway--the surprisingly good sense from ww maintenence is this.  They revealed that at goal weight I would get 6 more points. Actually that's not too bad!  Last week I ate an extra 7 points everyday from my weekly allotment and it really helped.  On maintenence it would be a base of 35 points plus another 7--that's 42 points a day!  That's quite a lot! In fact, it's about what I eat on a normal day when I'm not derailed by movie popcorn or an Olive Garden orgy.  THAT is a lifestyle I can wrap my mind around.  Weigh weekly, workout daily, keep the exceptions under control--count points if my weight starts to drift upwards and STAY at 155 until my body figures out that that is the weight it really wants to be--then stay there the  rest of my life in a hopefully more intuitive fashion.  

I don't seem to be able to spit out what I want to say today---the good sense from WW is that they really encouraged USING those weekly points AND at least some of the activity points too--because if you don't then those extra six points a day are going to be a real shock and you will probably gain weight.  ABOUT TIME!  Hallelujah!!  THIS is thinking I like---let's condition our bodies to eat a satisfying amount and maintain a reasonable weight.  YES! THAT is what I'm trying to do.  I adore Sean from losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com---I read his blog every day, but I have no interest in living on 1500 cal a day. It just isn't necessary!  The skinny people I know don't live like that.  They do eat less than I do, but they also have days when they eat a great deal more than 1500 cal.  My highest weight ever was lower than Sean's goal weight and I wasn't maintaining that on anything like 1500 cal!  More like 4,000 cal.  

Like I said, those extra 7 points make all the difference.  Today's menu--breakfast--a lite bagel with fat free cream cheese, two slices of bacon, milk, diet juice, a banana and some strawberries.  Lunch will be--a wrap with roast beef and horseradish, a lipton "cup o soup", a dill pickle, six olives, an ounce of fancy cheese from Ireland (a decent size piece--this still surprises me!), and half a snickers bar.  So far I've only planned a bowl of chili and a biscuit for dinner, but I have another 6 points to play with today. Yesterday's "Korean" dinner was terrific and plentiful.  It's been ok.  I'm losing about a pound a week or so and the suffering has been reasonably minimal.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Kim Chee


Quick blog--it's late and I'm bushed.  Catherine hurt her hand at youth conference yesterday so we did her paper route for her for one more day.  I went back to bed, but the sleep is not quite the same.  One thing I've noticed about getting older is that I tire out much more suddenly.  Luckily, I'm tiring out about when one would expect, but still it's a small sign of aging.  Whatever---I'm only 47---still young.

Tonight we tried a ww recipie --Korean Bulgogi.  Me and Dave actually had the real thing in Korea once--it's a spicy meat.  WW had us roll the meat in lettuce wraps and top it with kimchee--the famous fermented cabbage.  We couldn't find kimchee at the store yesterday and I'm glad! Gotta love the internet.  I looked up a recipe online--it was easy and pretty darn good!  It was a wonderful meal---bulgogi lettuce wraps, egg rolls, rice, corn and watermelon.  Plentiful, rich and within points.  A definite do again. 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

street tacos


195---ok.  Guess I'll take that.  Didn't some guy once win Biggest Loser with that weight?  Must carry on!  Boy is it easy to fall off the wagon!  Today's challenge is just plain being tired.  Catherine is at youth conference, so I got up at 5 and did her paper route.  I am NOT a morning person.  Straight from the route I went to SLC.  Did quite a bit of work at her house and went to see her.  She's looking much much better. I also had a nice talk with Lisa about funeral plans and so on if the worst happens.  There are at least a few things in place so I feel better on that score too.  I've been wanting street tacos for about a week and after coming back the plan was to grab a few tacos, then take a nap.  mmmmmmm.   My habit is to get just the meat and load up with the pico de gallo because I don't really like corn tortillas unless they're baked into chips and I knew I had a bag of my own oven baked chips to go with the tacos.  Before this weight loss venture--four of those would leave me barely satisfied.  Today three looked like a huge amount (it was, I think she was overly generous with the meat).  I over ate.  I was tired and looking forward to the meal.  I had unlimited chips and I also had at least two servings of cheddar cheese with the chips. And once again I need to learn that cheating does not make life easier--it makes it MUCH harder.  I liked not counting those chips and having cheese far too much.  Now I want to munch on muffins and chocolate and all kinds of other things.  I'm at least not doing that.  Dave is out shopping and I'm going to clean my own poor house while he's doing it.  I didn't nap very well so I'm out of sorts and grumpy--it will be good to get the work done and be done and then snooze gently on the couch while watching Dr. Who.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Triumphant anyway #$%@#! -IT!


I HATE scales.  They are possessed by the devil and should all come with a warranty and an exorcist.  196 today.  Same as last week and up a pound from Tuesday.  There's a good reason for this--besides basic evil.  A late night dinner--including a big glass of Hawaiian punch and I weighed in a 5 o'clock in the morning (the middle of the night as far as I'm concerned) because I was helping Catherine with her paper route.  So, once again I'll see if tomorrow is any better---but tonight is pizza night so who knows?

STILL determined to be triumphant though! I HAVE been doing well. I've been dead on target in points, I've been exercising and I feel thinner.  Kimm--a co-worker who retired, came by to visit yesterday and raved about my weight loss.  It's only 12 (or so) pounds, but it was nice to hear. 

Of course the upcoming big challenge is our trip to Aruba--just over a week away now!  Preparing for this conference has been a nightmare, but it's almost done and soon I can just relax and enjoy the trip.  I'm just hoping not to gain too much.  It's not my intention to go crazy and eat, but it's a whole week of either conference food, street food or restraunts--plus it's a Dutch island and known for cheese.  All I can do is my best. I don't know how many calories snorkeling will burn, but I plan to snorkel as much as possible.

Thursday, June 9, 2011



TWO victories!  This morning my sister-in-law, Peggy, stopped by Ogden briefly on a road trip.  We met her at the Flying J just off the freeway and had breakfast at the Dennys there.  I did great!  Opened the menu--saw the "fit platter" closed the menu and ordered it.  No idea how many points it had, but it was less than 550 cal.  I also passed on the milk and juice.  That's one victory.  Last night's victory was even more important.  We had breakfast for dinner.  That's not unusual.  I planned waffles, eggs, bacon and fried potatoes.  As it happened what I really wanted was the eggs made with Brie cheese and spinach.  The waffles turned out to be 7 points a piece!  I could have had one, but I decided I wanted the fried potatoes (fried in PAM that is) more.  I did NOT have a waffle.  But that's not the victory.  The victory is that I didn't resent not having the waffle!!!  That's just plain weird!  I even put strawberries in the waffle.  Why wasn't I upset that I didn't get one?  I'm not sure and I'm not arguing with the feeling.  The Brie eggs and spinach were as fabulous as I had imagined and so was the bacon and potatoes and watermelon.  Maybe that was the secret--I really had enough without the waffle.  But for whatever reason I am proud of myself today.

Now---tomorrow I weigh in.  I am going to work hard today to remember that these are real victories regardless of what the stupid scale says.  I'm hoping to see 194--or even less, but if I don't it's ok.  Right?  It's ok, it's ok, it's ok.  My body will do it's thing--and if it's retaining water or buiding muscle or whatever that's just fine--it's the victories of what I DO and what I've overcome that counts and the scale will follow when it will. 

Still hoping though....

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Me and my shadow


No exercise this morning---shame because it's an absolutely perfect day for walking to work--but no cavities either.  I don't know if I can get exercise in today since I'm going to SLC right after work (more sitting), but good dental care is part of the overall package too, so I don't feel too guilty.

I feel so skinny!! I'm slowly getting my legs back.  If I do say so myself, I have great legs.  This morning, as I was coming in to work I had fun with my shadow.  It was elongated, so I had a perfect figure. It was like a glimpse into my future.

I'm doing much better with the idea of 36 points a day.  It makes all the difference.  Yesterday I had 1/2 of the moose candy bar that's been in my desk since our conference.  It felt good in everyway and I STILL came out a little bit ahead in overall points!  Reverse psychology is at work here. Since I know I can have 36 pts, I'm taking a perverse pleasure in having a little less--plus success is motivating too.  I've never lost weight at a reasonable pace before.  It's either been super fast and short lived because of some quack diet (and here I include the Diet Center plan of the 1980's), or super slow because I was trying to do it strictly by altering my psychology.  I lost 30 pounds by working on my mind so I stand by my ideas, but oh the progress was so painfully slow.  I'm STILL working on the psychology--that's mostly what this blog has become about--it was supposed to be about gratitude, but it's become a place to dump feelings before they bottle up and explode in my face as a diet failure. 

But for now, I'm at work and my 1/2 hour has finally elapsed after my flouride treatment so I can have breakfast!  I'm really thirsty.  I also need to fix my Aruba presentation before I meet with the professor in an hour and as always, I wish to avoid doing anything with it so I'm glad I have some breakfast to ease along drudgery.  I suppose that's probably misusing food, but don't skinny people do that sometimes too?  To close today I want to include this terrific poem based on Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven, from another blogger Jack S#*&it getting fit.  I wish I'd written it!

Once upon a morning fleeting, I was pondering what I was eating,
Logging in my early meal’s caloric score
I was finally able to finagle, how many carbs were in that bagel,
When suddenly there came a rapping, rapping on my kitchen door.
“'Tis my wife,” I softly muttered. “Returning from the grocery store.
Only this, and nothing more.”

I put down my bread (unbuttered), “Honey, is that you?” I uttered,
“Do you need some help with the groceries that you purchased at the store?”
Then a awful chill shot through me, when it suddenly came to me
That this rapping wasn’t from my spouse returning from the store.
In the window was the blackest, fattest bird I’ve seen before,
And he chirped out: “Eat some more.”

I gazed down at my morning spread, which had not left me well-fed.
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I’m on a diet, (and it appears that you should try it),
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my kitchen door.
Are you some mysterious beast that came from mythological lore?”
Quoth the raven: “Eat some more.”

So I flung open the pantry wide, to find the delicious food inside,
I grabbed cookies, cakes and crackers, then I scoured the shelves for more
Pop-Tarts, pretzels filled my arms: half a box of Lucky Charms,
I laid it all out on the table, rich and tasty snacks galore.
And perched at the window, just beside the kitchen door,
Laughed the raven: “Eat some more.”

Then this ebony bird beguiling (I could swear that he was smiling),
As he stared upon the table laden down with foodstuffs by the score
How did my morning meal turn into something so surreal?
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me why you want me eating, why do you put my will to war?
Quoth the raven, “Eat some more.”

Well, that devil, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Sitting patiently and waiting right beside my kitchen door;
And he wants to see me cheating, only happy when I’m eating
And he’ll always be beside me no matter how much I ignore.
But my heart and soul are stronger than they’ve ever been before
And I shall be tempted - Nevermore!
apologies to Edgar Allen Poe

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

leftover points


Still going strong I can't believe it! I'm also down another pound (195!)--but it's unofficial since it's only Tuesday, and what am I doing weighing in on a Tuesday anyway?  Ok, I know.  I was feeling really skinny.  Sunday was fast Sunday and I was perfectly on plan yesterday--I went to SLC to visit Mom who is doing much much better. Still, going to SLC is always hard for me to do--the conversation with Dave on the way down didn't help matters any either--nothing awful, just going over various little problems. But I did well!  I dealt with the emotions by flat out saying that I didn't want to talk anymore about depressing family subjects that we can't do anything about on the way home, and read a cheerful book out loud instead (Reading is a HUGE escape and pressure release for me).  When we got home, even though it was 9:30 I did a few Just Dance dances to burn off stress and release some endorphins. Worked too---I felt better.  I love that silly program! Unbelievably, I actually wound up with THREE extra points at the end of the day. I decided to roll them over rather than eat them. 

It's just 13 pounds, but it makes SUCH a difference!  All my clothes are loose.  The really exciting thing is that the next 13 pounds will make even more of a difference!  The smaller I get the more each pound will show.

On the other hand--right after Mom came out of surgery and was looking horrible--I had to wonder at our societies obsession with appearance.  Nobody looks good after surgery--and everybody gets old and everybody dies.  What a waste of time to worry so much about something that doesn't matter.  And yet...it still matters to me.  The noble part of me truly wants to achieve a mastery of self.  The vain part of me just wants to watch Charlie's Angels and then go out and buy an outfit and feel as though I look great.  Alas, the vain part is usually the louder voice--which might be ok if it was truly motivating, but it isn't.  Oh well.  My professor is pleased with my work on the Aruba powerpoint--and that is a MAJOR stressor that is beginning to lift.  Once this thing is finished, I can relax and get excited about the trip!  I AM excited!  I'm going to ARUBA!!! I never thought my life would contain a trip to Aruba and I'm completely delighted. Actually, my life has contained so many wonderful experiences--trips to Disneyland, Germany, Washington, Portland, California, Japan, Mexico--a college education--a host of friends, a terrific family..and waaaay too many good restaraunts, to name just a few.  :)  These things always catch me by surprise because lack of money has always been a major theme as well.  I've always worked--and not always at well paying jobs either.  We're heavily in debt---and yet...great things just keep on coming.  Life is very good.

Monday, June 6, 2011

More Brie


More Brie cheese coming my way today--yes!  It's funny---this week I'm planning on 36 points a day. And since I'm allowed 36 my meal planning checked in at 29. I'm happily adding points---namely 2 of those proscuitto-parmesan muffins.  I'll definitley add that recipie to my sacred yellow binder.  I'm excited about today's salad too----I've really gotten into cabbage lately--I much prefer a cabbage salad to a lettuce one and today the salad has olives and peppercini's and feta cheese.

I walked to work--love that--so that will be an hour of walking--and I'm going down to see Mom and do a little housework and that's more exercise too.  I'm feeling encouraged today.  I'm going to do all I can to see how low I can go before I go to Aruba.

Sunday, June 5, 2011



Love fast Sunday!  Love the spirit of the day and extra-love breaking the fast---especially when it's somebody else fixing the dinner.  I came home and took a nap and when I woke up there was a BBQ pork roast that had been cooking for 24 hours, hot homemade sourdough rolls, corn and mashed potatoes.  All ok to eat point-wise!  My favorite chocolate-coconut brownies will be coming up soon.  Every Sunday we have family night and play a game--tonight we're doing it outside (dinner was al-fresco too).  It feels fantastic to be out.  It was a long cold winter and a record--as in double the usual amount--breaking May for rain.  I think everyone feels like prisoners finally being let out in the sun. 

I'm looking forward to trying a 36 point a day week.  Naturally, I have extravagant plans for those 7 points.  I have to keep reminding myself that this will make things a LITTLE easier---not suddenly turn my life into a free for all banquet.  I want to do well.  Today is June 5 and we leave for Aruba on the 21st.  I'm only four pounds away from weighing less than I have in 20 years.  It would feel great to go to the beach in the very low 190's---even if I wouldn't look it, I would feel like a movie star.  Worth working hard for!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Holding steady


Oh all right---196 then.  Holding steady for a week.  I hate it when I get what I deserve--I so much rather have what I want instead.  I'm going to have to read some success stories again.  The trouble is that I love food much more than I think I'll love the lifestyle that will go with being thin. But even as I type that I realize that it isn't quite true.  I haven't lost my faith yet--and I'm not doing terribly either!  Far from it!  I've learned a lot and nearly doubled the 7 pound goal the insurance set for me.  Today I did pretty well and got a lot of exercise gardening at both my mom's and my own place.  Mom is looking much better.

Another thing I did right was to finally get myself some Brie cheese.  I'm always lusting after the fancy cheeses and I hardly ever indulge and actually buy any.  But that is going to stop.  One fancy cheese every week or so isn't going to bankrupt us.  I divided the Brie up into 1 ounce (surprisingly big) sections each worth 3 points and I thoroughly enjoyed one today.  I think indulging in luxuries such as this will go a long way into helping me to feel happier with overall eating less.  It was terrific---made all the more so by the idea that I will indulge in some other cheesy delight when it's gone.  I also made some terrific mini-muffins from the ww site---proscuitto and parmesan.  YUM! and only 2 points.  Tomorrow is fast sunday---so that means I don't have to worry too much about counting points.  It will take quite a lot of dinner to get to the 36 points I'll have.  Catherine is making a brisket and sourdough biscuits.  She's really got the knack of biscuits! Her last effort had a nearly professional sourdough flavor and was nearly as flaky as a KFC.  She thinks her buttermilk was too cold and is attempting a remedy tonight.

Time to re-commit.  I don't want to flat line again next week. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

Doesn't Count


Up a pound---197, but I'm saying it doesn't quite count because Dave had to teach late and so we didn't eat dinner until after 8:00.  This included a big glass of sugar-free Hawaiian punch (love that stuff) that I don't think has worked its way through my system yet.  SOOO---I'll weigh again tomorrow and whichever is lower is what I'll plug into the official ww site. Even still---it's really nice to see numbers in the 100's again.   I'm thinking this upcoming week, I'll try simply dividing up the extra points into my daily ration---that will bring me up to 36 points a day.  I've been trying to save up lots of extra for the weekends because I like pizza on Friday---but really, Saturday's aren't usually that much worse temptation-wise than any other day----really it's just the Friday pizza I want.  But it's possible to have very low-point meals once in a while (wouldn't want to do it all the time---there is only so much zero point soup a person can eat), so I think I can still manage to have two or three slices on Friday.  I would still have activity points for wiggle-room if necessary.  We'll see how it goes.  Will I feel more in control and satisfied? Or will I just want more and more and more anyway so everything will begin inching up and up and out of control? 

Today's challenges are all psychological.  Am trying to call Mom.  And Dr. Fowler gave me all kinds of suggestions for the Aruba presentation--I think I feel better--but still enough overwhelmed and insecure that I just want to avoid the whole thing.  Never again!  If I want to go somewhere amazing again I'll just pick up a part time job at McDonald's and earn the money to do it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011



Too tired yesterday to post.  Also, a little off-track---we had a work retreat with lunch.  Lunch was relatively ok, but what wasn't ok was the big dish of ice-cream with hot-fudge caramel and nuts that was for dessert.  ESPECIALLY since I had had a small dish of ice-cream the night before to celebrate Catherine getting a small CNA job.  I don't want to honestly track what I ate because it's difficult to estimate---plus I don't want to!  I've been pretty darn good these last few days (with the exception of the ice-cream) and I want to use the extra points for pizza tomorrow.  Irrational I know.  I'm trying to accept that this is a process.  Going to the ice-cream store Tuesday I could do it---I ordered a kids size scoop.  Yesterday I was free to have one-scoop or two and I was hanging in the balance and....just couldn't quite choose the 1 scoop option.  This was partly because being full from the lunch hadn't quite hit so I was still a little hungry.  There's nothing worse than still being a little hungry AFTER you've eaten.  Usually, of course, I stop being hungry in a little while--but I can never remember that (especially since it isn't ALWAYS the case)...so I assume if I'm a little hungry now, I'm going to be absolutely starving soon and the next meal is far away.   I did do a little extra Just Dance on the wii even though I was tired.  Today I'm back on track food-wise.  But again it's difficult to care very much whether I'm on or off.  The official word on Mom is back.  Stage 2 pancreatic cancer.  I don't know much about how long she has or if chemo will do the trick or just make her miserable.  The most important thing is that I have her today.