Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, March 31, 2014


Today is MONDAY.  Nothing terrible, everything irritating---the most irritating is trying to get the right people to sign these forms so i can apply for a grant. This is made all the more irritating because I've put this off until the last second and now people aren't available etc. etc. and it's my own fault so I have no one to blame.  On the bright side, Dave brought me flowers!!!  Suddenly, the day is looking better!

Food-wise, I'm doing well.  It was hard to stop at just one piece of pie last night, but I did. Today is flavor point, which is always hard, but I had that slice of bread to go with lunch and that made all the difference.  There are m & m cookies in the kitchen, but I'm still feeling encouraged with the idea that my choices actually make a difference. Also, one of the most beautiful girls I work with won't have one either, she's got some digestive problems and can't tolerate that kind of stuff very well---I suspect her choices are part health driven and part good sense driven, but it helps a great deal to see someone without a weight problem say no to the cookies too.

I was only able to get in 1/2 hour of wellness time--but that's ok! That means anything I do tonight will count toward earned calories. I'll put in at least another 1/2 hour.

Best of all one grant application will go completely in--and the other will be sent to my mentor. Mostly, all I have to do now is sit and wait for approvals--or not. At this point I don't care. I'm just glad to have them done!!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Great start!

Yesterday was a happy day--largely due to the happy thoughts from yesterday's post. I kept thinking of all the reason that I hadn't gained all the weight back and why the weight that I have gained back came on so slowly. There were just too many days where I worked out--sometimes I lifted weights, sometimes I played on the treadmill or rowing machines, there were days where I walked the 5K--too much of that stuff!  Then there were more meals than I could handle that were veggie based, or even featured fish. I sometimes counted my calories--too much of that!!!

I LOVE it!!!  This is the first time EVER that I've really felt that anything healthy I try to do makes any difference!  It DOES make a difference. Even without weight loss it still makes a difference!  Yesterday's plan went great--1500 cal (that's still way low for me) AND I accumulated 300 exercise calories!!  I'll use 100 of those tomorrow with my flavor point day. It's hard for me to eat lightly, but it's made much easier now that I feel as though it's doing some good.  And honestly, even on 1500 cal, the food isn't that scarce. It's a testament to how over indulgent I am that I feel the following menu is difficult.

Breakfast--pumpkin chocolate chip muffin, banana, milk
Snack--string cheese rolled in 3 slices of ham
Lunch--homemade bread with 3 more slices of ham, tomato, red onion and spinach, a big handful (24) potato chips and 2 tbls onion chip dip, and a pickle.
Dinner--leftover steak and blue cheese (3 oz), 2 med potatoes with fat free sourcream, and a cabbage salad with lite dressing and a few blue cheese crumbles.
Later--25 cal hot chocolate with light whipped cream

Today is even easier---pancakes for breakfast, a 500 cal lunch and dinner till I'm full PLUS a piece of the best key lime pie in the world. It's Sunday and sleeting outside so I don't know that I'll get any exercise points, but that's ok--it's the Sabbath.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

New Start and New hero!

Okay! March 29th, 2014!!  Let's hear it for a new beginning!!!!  And appropriately, I have a new hero to start me off on my journey--Ernestine Shepherd.

This is Ernestine at age 77!!!  WOW!!!  She didn't even start bodybuilding until she was 56 years old. I'm so proud of her!!!! I'll be visiting her site and finding inspiration. WOW!!  It is NEVER too late for ANYTHING!!!

Yesterday was an appropriate end to my three week bender. After eating a truly astounding amount at work, Catherine's plans fell through and so we were able to celebrate Dave's tenure with the steak dinner he wanted.  Good grief!!!  I felt like I was on the cruise again---overstuffed, but perfectly willing and able to stuff a few more thousand calories in. I ate bread, salad, steak, potato, and the cookie pie dessert (about my 7th dessert of the day). I feel like the stay puff marshmellow man and no wonder. I'm really glad to be back again trying and trying.  And this morning I'm grateful for my body--204 after yesterday's meal.  Okay. That's a whole lot better than I deserve after these three weeks!! Thank you body!!! And here's an important thought for me to remember----

As much as my body resists GAINING weight---it also resists LOSING weight---but it DOES change with consistant effort in either direction. What if, after falling off the weight watchers wagon my plan was to gain back the weight? How frustrated would I be?  Pretty frustrated!!!  It's been about a year and a half and I'm not quite there even yet! (close though).   And I've eaten a whole lot!! AND I have a sedentary job too!!!  What more do I have to do????!!!!!  Well, just stay on my present course and the pounds will pack back on don't worry. Sometimes fast, sometimes slowly, but don't worry, they'll come back.

Okay. DON'T worry about how much effort I put out and how slowly the scale moves. I will keep the idea of not weighing very often it does no good. Eventually these clothes will get looser, the scale will move--I just need to let the time pass. Today will be a good day---I'm so full that 1500 cal won't be a problem. Plus we're all going to hike up to the bridge--that will jump start me with my first exercise calories.

Friday, March 28, 2014


Fresh start tomorrow!!  My feelings are all over the place---mostly happy. I'm still wrestling with the old "I'm starting my diet tomorrow so I'd better eat all I can today", which has pretty much been what's been going on for the last three weeks.  Today is a work potluck (this was fairly sudden, which tells me I want to have exercise calories in reserve), and that thought is making me feel ludicrously happy.  How I can have that happy pot luck feeling more often without going off the rails?  Part of me is sad because I hate giving up eating freely. The other part is happy--because eating freely hasn't been that great. I've been overeating and so not truly enjoying anything as much as I do when I'm hungry for it. I'm feeling sad about letting go, but then remembering that by earning calories through exercise, truly nothing is off limits--including the next work potluck! I don't WANT to be moderate for these and I don't HAVE to be!!!!

The other two thoughts in my brain are these: I am an ADDICT and that is not going to go away in this life even if I succeed in losing weight. If Sean can gain back weight, so can I. That's going to be tough to remember, because I'm the first to think I have it all figured out at the first sign of progress.

The other thought is this. Why am I doing this? TO LOSE WEIGHT. You'd think that would be obvious, but it ISN'T!!!  I've NEVER succeeded in getting to goal, so most of me doesn't even believe that weight loss is possible--therefore it's not a big deal if I don't lose because I never believed in it anyway.  But I am starting tomorrow with the real intent to lose weight--and the good news is that it's a finite amount of weight!  That's another thing that's not so obvious. The media makes me feel as though I should be "adding a little" to each workout, and shaving off calories wherever I can. The natural end of this would be exercising 24 hours a day while eating nothing. (there's actually a cult out there that does this! The idea is to live on light and air, a few people have died.) No. The real goal has to be exercise for about 1/2 a day, and eating in some kind of sustainable for me way that's not going to lead to an early death through obesity.

The plan is ready to go. Slips of paper are in an envelope with another envelope prepared for old slips (that way I won't pick "lemon day" three times and never pick chocolate day (yes! there's a chocolate day).  The calories range from 1500 to 1800 (I've belatedly thought it might be fun to have really specific calories---1530 for example, just for varieties sake). Every tenth day is something like Vegetarian or High Fiber. With over 350 slips there are only maybe 5 days in each of these categories--so only 5  or 6 free days in the year (besides my birthday etc.) However, with earning exercise, I hope to enjoy more guilt-free treats than before. Also different will be Sundays.  Sundays will be a day of rest. Not a free for all, but a rest day. On Sundays I will eat our normal pancake breakfast (thanks to weight watchers, I only ever eat one, and the meal is only about 400 cal), a 500 cal lunch, and then enough to fill me up at dinner. I plan to enjoy Sunday dinner and have seconds if I want to!! Even if I pack away a whole 1000 cal for dinner (which I hope I usually won't), I'll still be within a reasonable bound. Dessert-wise, I will have 1 normal helping---2 cookies, or a normal brownie, cake, pie whatever. However---I can always earn calories if I want a bigger dessert.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Got the book!!!

FINALLY!!!! I got the Hungry Girl Diet book yesterday!!  YAY!!! Of course it's no real miracle---part of me is always hoping it will be. In fact part of me is rather annoyed that her meal plan is 1300 cal. Let's see.....overweight person likes to eat 4000 cal per day---lets drop her suddenly to 1300 and see how that goes!!  grrrrrrrrrr.   Also for reasons she doesn't explain, the choices for week 1 are rather limited, week two there is more and so on. Calorie counts don't change.  She does say that I shouldn't grab other HG receipes to substitute for meals because the four weeks that she specifically maps out are really well balanced with just the right carbs/fiber etc.

On the bright side--she does graciously allow that if you are more than 75 pounds overweight OR if 1300 cal is too aggressive (YES! Thankyou!!), we can have another 100 to 200 cal of fruit or whatever. Good grief.  Obviously, I'm still rebelling on the amount I have to cut down and how hard I have to work to lose weight---but I just can't get thrilled over being "allowed" 1/2 apple.  Oh well.  On the even brighter side--this is HUNGRY GIRL--not my savior--but a genuinely terrific cook with great ideas and receipes--in this book alone she has two stuffed strawberry receipes that sound fantastic (one stuffed with feta the other with cream cheese and chocolate chips). She trying to make 1300 endurable--but I'm not willing to "endure" anything of the sort. 1500 cal is about as bone starving as I'm willing to go--and that not very often.

I'm going to incorporate her plan into mine. On HG days I'll definitely be adding 200 cal PLUS whatever I earn in exercise. If I were really going to jump into her 4 week plan I'd be loving the variety of choices each day---but I'm partly using her plan as an escape from thinking (just tell me what to eat), so I think I'll pencil in exactly what each day will entail for me.  And I will go in order. I'll just put 28 generic HG days in the envelope and eat day 1 through 28 in that order. I'm going to write up the slips right now which is fun--I love planning for new things. Executing the plan not so much.  I also need to figure the calorie and other days. I want Flavor Point and Hungry Girl to cover about 1/3 of the total plan. The other days are mostly calorie counted with a few other types of days thrown in.   Another plus from the book---she specifies which are high fiber or high protein snacks--helpful on those days!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

This from 300 pounds down today:

” An addiction is more than just a behavior.  There is a thought behind the choice that is driving it.  The addiction is the hook, but the bait came before in the form of some deceit and trickery.  Perhaps a person has come to believe that no one will ever love them, and so they debase themselves with those who use them.    In order to get over an addiction by God’s grace, we need to ultimately uncover the bait that we have sunk our teeth into.  Until we forsake that, we will never get off the addictive hook.”Relevant Bible Teaching

OH yes!!!!  This is the comment that I left for her:

I love the concept of bait. I need to think more about this. For me, I absorbed way too much responsibility waaay too young before I realized that it wasn’t up to me to fix my family. By the time I was old enough that I might have been of real help to my sisters, it was too late–I believed that nothing I could do would make a difference–it was better to run away from painful things. And food? ESCAPE!!! I treat food like a literal vacation—I don’t have to deal with whatever just now, because I’m eating. And if I am working on something I don’t particuarly want to do–then food soothes me and makes that thing easier. I misuse food in a lot of other ways too, but I think escape is primary for me. Thank you for helping me to realize this a little better.  

There will be much more on this topic. I'm very excited to go to the temple tonight because last time I went--I felt the load of responsibility lifted like I never have before.  I'm really going to try hard to think about the why that I'm eating. For sure, it's often because I'm wanting a mini-vacation and that means food. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


ACK!!!  The Hungry Girl book is out today--not yesterday! Today is the BEST/WORST  timing!!  After a solid 12 years of hard work Dave was awarded TENURE!!!!  I can't think of anyone who deserves it more!!  He got the letter today, which is terrible timing. Are we going to celebrate? We are not! We both have to work late, and I have visiting teaching immediately afterward.  Dinner? Leftovers. Sheesh!! They waited this long to tell us, they may was well have waited until Friday when we could do something about it.

Some celebration is in the works. Dave has been talking about ordering official robes for years. These cost $1,000.  We don't care. He can have them. He also wants a really good steak dinner. I told him to find the best steak dinner on the planet. Plus we're going to Disneyland at the end of April for our 25th anniversary--which will be extra nice because Catherine will be celebrating her AS graduation and Dave can celebrate tenure too and we're both turning 50. Good times all around.

ANYWAY--TODAY the Hungry Girl Diet book comes out. Not that I have time to pick this up. Ogden, Utah is a wonderful place, but there is no bookstore here. It's the stupidest thing! I'll have to drive out to the Barnes and Noble in Layton--after visiting teaching--I'll be lucky to get home by 10:30.

A bit more on how the exercise is going to work for me. I took a good look at myfitnesspal yesterday--I don't quite believe that the exercises burn as much as they do.  I HOPE they do, but I think I'd better aim lower rather than higher when it comes to counting exercise. I looked up super slow walking--the kind I do going around the duck pond with a book in my hand. Just 1/2 hour of even that burns 100 cal!!  YAY!!! Heavy exercise burns anywhere from 200 to 500 per 1/2 hour. Because I tend to grossly exaggerate how hard I'm working---it's going to go like this----1/2 hour of "lazy" exercise (which includes the wii) earns me 100 cal, moderate (I've put the book down) 150 cal and heavy 200.   I'm going to let myself accumulate as much as I want. Just like my real pay checks, I can save up for something big (a trip to Pizza Pie Cafe) or fritter away slowly. I figure a typical fast food meal (including mall greek food) will be 1500 cal. 500 I'd be eating anyway, so I need to save 1,000.  A real restaraunt blow-out meal such as Macaroni Grill which would be several loaves of bread, an appetizer, a blow of olives, a cream based main dish and a rich dessert will be 3,000. 500 I'd eat anyway--the rest I can save for.

I have some thoughts on repentance---or rather the lack thereof. But that's going to be for tomorrow's post.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Hungry Girl!!!

YAY!!!! The Hungry Girl book is out today!!!!!  I'm super excited--I've been waiting three months for this!  It's probably just recipes for different calorie goals, but even still. I'll be glad to either use it or not, and to solidify my own plan.

The thing I'm most excited about is the freedom that exercise will bring me on the new plan---especially at lunch time on flavor point days. 1/2 hour bike riding means I can have a slice of bread with lunch and that will make all the difference. I'm going to have to be careful with the exercise concept though. What do I really mean? For example---today during wellness time--I strolled slowly over to the bank and met with an advisor there. Is that exercise?  I think I just answered my own question---use fitness pal----I would have to honestly plug that in as very slow walking--and whatever I earn--I earn. Just to clarify to myself--walking to work doesn't count, I do that anyway and while it's very beneficial, it only serves to maintain my current weight. I need at least 30 min beyond this for weight loss. AFTER that 30 minutes--extra exercise can be earned for more food. This might mean getting up early in the morning (YUCK!!!) but I get to go to work 1/2 hour later in the summer and that will be a help. Plus, there's wellness time 3 days a week, weekends are easier to find time---so it's really only Tues and Thurs that are difficult. I really think that I'm just going to "do the best I can" with exercise.  Dealing with food is the hardest thing for me. I don't want to demand all changes at once with myself. If the food is in control I get a star. If the exercise is on board so much the better, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Seeds being planted

Was reading Nerd Fitness--and he was talking about how efficient our bodies become when we exercise. Super active people don't actually burn all that much more than sedentary people. I always wondered how come the sedentary Mary was just as slim as the active Laura in the Little House Books!  Of course there's all kinds of benefits to being active. Nerd Fit was talking about how to set new records in your exercise every single day. That's quite something!!! Going small is the key. More reps on a lower weight, less on a slightly higher, a slightly longer stretch, adding a few steps of a sprint in your run.

I can feel that I'm not quite ready to embrace all this. I'll be doing very well just to increase my activity at all, but the seed is there now, and goodness knows I'm all about weird plans!  My new plan is almost ready to go--the Hungry Girl Diet comes out on Monday and be heading straight over to get my copy and see how I can incorporate lots of her big portion foods in my new plan. I think the big day for me is going to be a week from Saturday. I'll be making the shopping list for this week tonight, but by this time next week I'll be ready to shop for success. Or, Misery with a purpose!!  That's ok too. However you slice it, this road is uphill and boring. But so worth the climb.

Thursday, March 20, 2014


Had to work late last night and when I got home I found to my unfortunate delight that Dave had brought home Panda Chinese for me.  YUMMY! I ate a little last night and all the rest today. Problematic, because I know how many calories that is.Addiction is a weird thing. I'm not especially enjoying being over-full, but I sure as heck don't want to stop because I really hate being under-full.

Right now though, I've just been hit with being tired. I didn't feel as though I slept well last night, and I guess i really didn't. I just finished a short snooze, but my eyes are going to fall out of my head.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Good hand

Went to the doctor about my hand--YAY!!! I do have arthritis, and it will probably in time get worse, BUT the doctor took the view that I should keep doing anything I want--even crossstitch which aggravates things, and he could keep me pain free. When the time comes that I'm no longer pain free (in 10-15 yrs hopefully), then there are all kinds of surgeries that are very good that they can do--and in 10 years those will be even better and less invasive. That's a big relief--I really didn't want to lose mobility in my right hand.

Only 6 days till the Hungry Girl Diet comes out.  It looks like I'l be able to incorporate it very easily into my plan so that's exciting. I think my new plan will be hard--about as hard as Weight Watchers, BUT since it's MY plan, I'm hoping it will be a great deal easier psychologically--and it will be exciting to actually lose this weight. Dave did it. I can too.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Not misusing the blog!

I LOVE Hollie at 300poundsdown. She writes the most beautifully inspiring posts. Which I usually enjoy wholeheartedly--but today I felt a little inferior. Usually my posts are not inspiring and I wish that they were. No wonder nobody reads this blog. Oh well. I think the real problem is that I know I have some real work to do with my sister and I don't want to do it. And when I say I don't want to do it, I mean, there is literally nothing on earth that I wouldn't rather do--including active duty combat. I suppose we all feel that way about our particular obsticles in life, if we could face them or solve them easily then they wouldn't be obsticles. The point is that the dread of this is pulling me down a little. So rather than feel badly about my blog inferiority, I will simply say BRAVO to Hollie and Sean and all the other great people out there who cheer up my days. God Bless them!

I was pleased today to not have used this blog to escape! I'm trying to get the college to pay for a trip to NYC this summer and it means a whole lot of red tape and even worse, academic writing. I had some time before having to come out to the desk and I was tempted to get online and write my daily post. But I didn't!! I sat down and worked on the stupid proposal.

Food-wise. I still deliberately out of control. But cheerful about the exercise idea--one of my co-workers has a friend who "earns" extra food with exercise--she saves up for two weeks and then has a day where she eats 5,000 cal. Works for her!! I doubt I'd want to save up that much. I'm more likely to want to cash in small amounts frequently, but I think I won't worry about it. If I want to have a huge blowout--great! I CAN!!! Say I want the pizza pie buffet. If I figure that's 3000 cal--that's just fine! 500 of those cal are about what I would eat anyway--and I can collect the other 2,500 in a reasonable amount of time. Last night's mall greek food is even easier---figure that meal was about 1,200 cal. 500 I would eat anyway--I only have to "earn" 700 cal! 2 1/2 hours of walking. I can do this!!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Perhaps one good reason

I had to add a little to justify my sick subconscious. I HOPE at least part of what's going on is that while I'm feeling fuller than normal--it IS enabling me to delude myself that it won't be that hard to stick to a plan--I mean, how difficult can being hungry be? VERY difficult as I know full well, but seriously, I am revising my plan and I'm getting excited, because I think this time really has a better chance at working. I'm bringing down the calories, ramping up the exercise, bringing way down the number of free and supposedly "in control" days. Clearly, I wasn't in very good control, but I still think this is important. So I will still have vegetarian, high fiber or whatever days, but far far far fewer of them. The exercise I spoke of yesterday is exciting to me to.  I can even use those calories on a Flavor Point day! Those lunches are always hard for me--but a 1/2 walk will earn me 150 calories that I can use on a slice of bread or something to beef those up a bit.

Houston, we have a problem

It is SO hard for me to accept that I have a problem! I was thinking yesterday that it's abundantly clear that I DO have a problem. I've been eating a ridiculous amount lately, and we have too much candy in the house so I've been having what amounts to 5 or 6 desserts a day!!  What the heck????!!!!  I feel like I'm the wino in the gutter loudly proclaiming that I don't have a problem.  I DO have a problem!! Without help I simply go straight out of control. However, I will keep working on it in my lame little way and hopefully in the next life at least, my efforts will be magnified. I hope so anyway!!

I realize that it is perfectly possible to control myself this week as I wait for the Hungry Girl book to come out, but I simply don't want to. At least not very much. Why not? Control is uncomfortable. Ok. But I'm prepared to be somewhat uncomfortable my whole life right? Yes--kind of. But not uncomfortable for no purpose. If I'm going to be uncomfortable, I want it to count. It doesn't have to be fast, but I do need to be moving in the right direction.  Also, I wonder if there is a very sick part of me that is determined to regain up to 208 just to spitefully prove (to who?) that Weight Watchers didn't work.  Beyond stupid. That is pure blind addiction and very scary.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Hope rising

All t-shirts are tight and I am very unhappy about this. But! Hope springs eternal! Revisions to the plan are coming together. I'm not quite sure how I want to do this--I had been thinking of aiming for 1/2 hour of exercise every day in addition to walking to work. But today I was thinking of how to incorporate large meals and treats (because they ARE going to happen) in a responsible way. What if I EARN them with exercise? Rule---exercise must be done BEFORE the treat. How about counting the first 1/2 hour as normal weight loss exercise and anything beyond that as treat exercise? That's a lot of exercise---well, it IS optional. The idea isn't to have huge meals and treats everyday--although if I earn it---OK!  The before rule is important--I never want to use exercise as a punishment--that's toward an eating disorder and I already have enough problems thanks. Weight watchers does this to an extent---also a very fit friend does something similar---she makes a killer chocolate pudding cake and loves creams and butter--her husband said, she'd be in real trouble if she didn't exercise the way she does.

Friday, March 14, 2014


Not as much to say today. It's a beautiful day, but I've nevertheless done a whole lot of writing and I am DONE in. Even still, I think I'll go over to a friend's house that I haven't seen in a while tonight. She's having a girls craft night.  I think I will fight my hermit instincts and go socialize---as an example for my daughter if nothing else. But seriously, I do need to get out more. All three of us are way too isolated. Like everything else in life, it's always easier to do the lazy thing. To kick back, watch TV and eat pizza. But I don't need to watch tv (I DO need to eat pizza), I do need to talk to human beings that aren't students or co-workers sometimes.

Pizza-wise, Dave agreed that we can go back to English muffin pizzas at least every other week.  It's a good idea. I love Friday pizza, but it doesn't need to be a complete disaster.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Too little

DealDash's photo.

I LOVE this comic! I do this ALL the time (witness January and February), I make what I think is a huge effort, but in reality it's nowhere near enough.  (Also witness my shirt which is now so tight it barely fits at all).

I had another visual, but this one is just in my own head.  I see the road to fitness in front of me, but there are giant black monoliths in the way. With great effort I've been able to move some of them out of the way enough that I can walk the road a little way---one huge monolith is jealousy of men and their "easy life," (they actually don't have it easy at all), another is entitlement, but the last---(I think, because I can't entirely see around it) is "The Amount of Work it Takes". WHEW. This whole blog is here because I'm still simply unwilling to accept just how hard and how much work this is going to take.

I can't wait for the Hungry Girl book---I somehow feel I need to see that book before I finalize my new plan. Right now, I'm not exactly trying to go crazy, but I'm not prepared to work either. Obviously, whatever I decide is going to have to have some rest times planned in--but probably not nearly so many as I think I need.

Two other thoughts--it's interesting the problems people have. I was reading my new blog discovery--the fatnutritionist (or something like that).  And she gave out a little guide. It cheered me up--the whole thing was about guilt, especially guilt when eating in public and how to handle rude comments that people might make. It was a real relief to read about problems I don't have!!!!  Nobody looks at me one way or the other, and I have ZERO problem going to any restaurant and ordering exactly what I want no matter how huge and eating all of it.

Lastly, I figured out long ago that I can't compare food. An apple is NOT the same as a candy bar. If I want the candy bar, eating an apple isn't going to take care of that desire. However, both are good. I CAN learn to enjoy apples for what they are AND enjoy cake when I can get it too.

It's the same with portions of the same food. They are NOT the same. I have a picture of a huge woman at a parade gnawing on a 32 oz brick of cheese. I kept it because it reminds me that what I eat DOES actually make a difference. I don't weigh what she does, because I don't eat cheese like that.  What would I tell this woman? Probably the same dumb thing that I rebel against all the time!  "Hey, you can still have cheese---look at me, I have it everyday--just don't eat 32 ounces at once! Have you tried cutting it into cubes and eating a smaller amount with apple slices or crackers?"
The answer is that NO SHE CAN'T!!  She doesn't want to, because eating a small bag of cheese cubes with apple slices is not at all the same experience as biting into a big brick of cheese. Eating a small amount of cheese would be profoundly unsatisfying for her. Just like eating 1 slice of pizza is deeply unsatisfying for me.

So how can I help her? How can I help myself? By recognizing and honoring that eating right is not all all the same as eating wrong. It's not going to be as satisfying--BUT I CAN practice. She CAN eat the smaller cheese with apples if she knows full well that it's a different experience than what she's used to eating. I CAN eat one helping IF I don't expect it to feel the same as two helpings. We both need to recognize that we probably won't LIKE the new experience very much. Certainly not as much as our beloved old comfortable experience. But I can at least move forward if I realize that I'm doing something different even if I'm eating the exact same food.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

A little dance dance

Dave made pasties last night. He rarely makes them because they're labor intensive and ridiculously fattening and we all love them. What's not to love about a giant blob of meat wrapped in piecrust and drenched in brown gravy? I ate far more than I should and far less than I wanted which I'm calling success.  I also spent about 1/2 an hour on the old x-box dance dance revolution machine. fun, and much needed.  I'm still off the wagon but genuinely looking for ways to make my plan work. I might even have a nutritionist take a look at it. I found a nutritionist online that has what looks like a fun blog, but it sounds like she's mostly about intuitive eating, which I love, but since my intuition keeps me 50 pounds too heavy, I'm not quite willing to embrace.  I wonder if there's anything available to me here at the university for free?  I can always go see the real thing for a $35 specialist co-pay, which I might do, but I'm balking a little at the idea---because I don't want to see one if they're only going to tell me the same old same old.  I realize that I NEED to eat less and better---but I'm looking for inspiration of HOW to do that. A list of recommended foods and calories simply isn't going to cut it.

Monday, March 10, 2014


Still feeling great and full of self-acceptance. It's a wonderful feeling. Doesn't mean I don't struggle though.  I think? I made an ok decision.  I was pretty hungry by 10:00 when I went walking for my wellness time. I went to the bank and the grocery store is nearby, so I got the olives that I like--that was planned---the loaf of good bread was not planned and neither were the free pats of butter.  But on the way back to work I was even hungrier and I walked by the Starbucks which I knew sold pretzel melts.  Seized by addiction I went in, but I asked if they happened to know what the calorie count was.  They did! 490. Ouch. Too much for a snack. I left and went back to my office where I had a slice of the good bread with a little butter and a few olives. That was probably about in the right neighborhood for a snack. MUCH better than a pretzel melt.

I seem to be on a anti-jogging or even walking fast crusade. I don't know why. My knees? Do I have some weird breathing problem? Luckily, I don't seem to be objecting to video workouts. OK--I'll have to carve out time for video workouts then. Somehow I've got to do something about all this sitting. It can't be good to be either full on working out or doing nothing. I need a middle ground that isn't being a slug.

Sunday, March 9, 2014


I feel better!  I was good that I wrote out those feelings yesterday. We went to the temple, and even though I was praying for something else, I received many more blessings in addition. The thoughts came thick and fast that Christ was sent to atone for our sins, but he also heals unfairness and hurts of all kinds. We're here to have problems after all.  My health/growing up problems were very small compared to many, but they were real, BUT that's why Christ came! He came so I could be free---He came so I don't need to feel badly about any of those things.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

What I can do this week

Ever since I found out that I have arthritis in my knees, I've dreaded that it might someday go to my hands. It's gone to my right hnad.  That, combined with the fact that it was Friday, and I'm still irritated, sent me straight to the Pie for pizza and breadsticks and a shake (I didn't eat all that much of the shake---I made up for it in breadsticks). No question, carbs make a person feel better. But not for long. I'm really unhappy feeling fat and out of control. 

I complained about my lack of success to the doctor. She quickly stomped on the idea of metformin and liraglutide. She says metformin tends to make you gain weight. She seemed to genuinely empathize but said to keep trying because--I can be a healthy 200 pounds, or an unhealthy 200 pounds. That makes sense. And even though I haven't lost anything, I WAS feeling better. 

Two thoughts--Id like to keep flavor point days, but I'm wondering if a big part of the problem was that I'd have an FP day of about 1450 cal--followed up with a 2000 cal, or an unlimited high protein day or something. Was I priming my body to hang onto everything it could? 

Second thought more serious. I've been feeling betrayed by my body that I didn't lose anything. I've been thinking that I don't like my body very much. I need to work on this. When I was little, I was always too tall, too fat and too awkward. I had crooked teeth and my mom braided my hair every day. I wore glasses until I finally got contacts at 14. I felt big and clumsy and I hated feeling like that. I didn't know how to play any sports and I couldn't run fast or do anything athletic (I suspect a touch of asthma), and I was deeply embarrassed by this. I always had a cold--ALWAYS.  I remember being in fourth grade when I first heard about women's periods--I was horrified and disbelieving. That wild story was confirmed in 5th and sixth grade by the school nurse. I looked to that day with dread. My first experience wasn't too bad, but after that I was always horribly sick on the first day---and I mean horribly, it was as though my back had gone bad--I would literally rather go through the same amount of time in labor than revisit any of those days. "luckily," I thought, I would skip months. With the teen years came acne to go with my limp brown hair. And worst of all in my 20's there appeared facial hair--a symptom of PCOS.  No, I don't really care much for my body. It's difficult for me to see it as a gift.  But, not losing weight these past two months has brought these feelings to the surface and I can see that's important. 

Friday, March 7, 2014

Only Today

Still in a rebellious snit--I AM the rebel dieter after all. But reading the blogs I love. Here's a great thought Sean posted:
Michael Prager, Author of "Fat Boy, Thin Man" commented:
 "I start over every morning, regardless of how yesterday went. I only have today."
I LOVE that because it takes away the excuses of good days as well as the bad. Just because yesterday might have been great doesn't give me an excuse to be sloppy today. If yesterday went badly, it doesn't mean I have to fail today.

I'm finally going to the doctor today to see about my hand--which naturally, feels fine today, and to ask about metformin and liraglutide that might help me lose weight even with PCOS. I still feel betrayed by my body and not quite prepared to take care of it this weekend. But I'll make the shopping list tonight with 1700 cal in mind and finish out the month strong.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Suck it up!

Love the internet!  I was looking at different ideas on what to do if you're hungry when you're dieting. I mostly found a lot of the same old blah blah---eat fiber, eat protein etc--I DO!!!!  One guy talked about taking breaks from the diet!!!  Hooray!!!  I though I  was the only one who ever thought that was a good idea! Also, managing days and meals off and treats!  This guy is obviously a genius. :) He also talked about "carb re-feeding". I looked that up too---not for me, it's really geared for seriously healthy body building types.  But, in the end he said something like this, when you're losing weight, you're burning more calories than you take in. Sometimes you're going to be hungry. So suck it up!!!

He's right. This difficult problem is not going to be solved without some difficulty. Sometimes I'm just going to be hungry and that's ok. He points out that when those times come you have to decide what's more important--the food or yourself.  THAT'S the problem. At those times the food is ALWAYS the important thing. I swear, in the face of a really good something, a genie could appear and tell me that if I eat the second helping/brownie/popcorn/cheese that I will instantly weigh 400 pounds. I honestly don't know if that would stop me!!  I'd probably reason that I could deal with it.

Oh well. The idea that it's not only ok to tough things out sometimes, but necessary and normal to have to do it is a good message for me.

Today we had our work retreat with full breakfast (yay bacon!). Today is a wash out as far as any particular plan goes. BUT what I'll probably do is this----Starting Sunday or Monday, or maybe even Saturday, eat 1700 cal until the Hungry Girl book comes out and then I'll decide if that diet is worth a try. Meanwhile, I'll start exercising more and also refiguring my plan---in short, how can I make 1700 cal per day bearable?? How can I make it more interesting???

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

What to change?

Love Sean and 300 pounds down--so inspiring.  I'm still thoroughly annoyed that I haven't lost weight or inches or anything. The mind is a weird thing--suddenly I'm SURE that 1500 cal per day isn't going to be so hard! Sean did it for more than two years! I can do it!  UHHH  49 years of evidence to the contrary!!!

I need some clear thinking.  I do NOT want to condition my body to live on some insanely low calorie amount. I do NOT want to make a huge effort for nothing. I do NOT want to stay this same weight!!!!

What works about this latest plan of mine is that I can control myself today so long as I don't have to control myself in the same way tomorrow. Also, there are some days of rest from the whole thing. I like the variety and randomness. How can I retain these things but yet ramp down the food and ramp up the exercise enough that I can lose weight?


I am willing to exercise more. Particularly to run the zombie half marathon.
Friend suggests hanging onto whatever plan for 3 days--I'm thinking a week or even a month?
Maybe really do the Hungry Girl diet when it comes out if it sounds good.
Somehow blend calorie count days--specifically, 1800 cal with the occasional day or meal or treat off? How can I do this without having things spiral completely out of control?
I like occasionally being "told" what to eat. What if I created my own days like this with food that I really eat?
Randomness--foods around the world, fancy dessert, fancy cheese, appetizer, new recipe, chips and dip.
higher protein--lower carbs--protien each meal
I like the "high protein" "vegetarian" etc days, but maybe I could have Dave or Catherine portion out what I eat? Clearly, I'm eating too much.
1500-2100 must be too big of a range. Alas---most days should be 1700 or 1800 hundred (simply not willing to go lower)
Frozen days?  Silly, but a day of frozen foods with salads---easy, quack and within range. hmmm maybe not.

How can I manage work treat days? Wanting to eat huge meals out? Giant bowls of popcorn and cheese with chocolate milk? Pizza nights? Huge portions of my favorite brownies?

Pizza--every other week english muffin pizzas?
Huge meals on Free or meal off days---what's the balance here? Often enough so I believe they will happen but not so often as to wreck things.
Frequent "small" portions of the popcorn and brownie fix, with the very occasional free pass for a huge one?

What if, like now, I'm just flat out super hungry? How can I "honor my hunger" without habitually adding several hundred calories to my day?
Maybe a weekly "stash" of limited things like bananas, beef jerky and 100 cal popcorn?  cup o soups only have 50 cal.  These will all be considered "free food" and I could eat them all on the same day--but if I do, they're gone till next week?  Or, all veggies are free?  Veggies never seem to really fill me up though.

Rather than truly random--should I just plan out a week in advance according to what's going on? Could I honestly anaylize whether I'm feeling strong--or whether I need some free days? I'm thinking I probably can't.

Maybe plan out the treats a month in advance so I'm not having three or four weight killing "treats" every week?  But Bob says, "give me six good days."  I think I'd abuse that--with six so so days and a free day. Won't work.  "small treats" can work within a calorie budget.

Whatever I do, I need to be sure to use olive oil--my body really responds well to that.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

spinning wheels

Made the mistake of weighing myself yesterday.  Net result of all this effort? Exactly ZERO.  Frustrating isn't the word! Truly it seems that I can eat whatever I want and be this weight, or I can make an effort to do better, but if I do it doesn't make the slightest difference.

Small changes??  Not hardly.  I was so infuriated with weight watchers because it was so drastic, and if I deviated even slightly all weight loss ceased. Anything less than 100% sterling, over the top effort results in a big fat zero loss.  Part of the problem is that I have PCOS. I'd always heard that this makes weight loss harder--but I'd always assumed that it just slowed it down a lot. Now, I'm thinking it means just what it says--it stops it cold short of perfection.

Somehow I need to marry the psychological rightness of what I'm doing now, with something that actually yields results. I don't know how to do that. I'm beyond reluctant to make an effort to do anything that I'm not willing to keep up for the rest of my life.

So what might that be? Not much. Drink water, improve with fruits and veggies, exercise, try to make better choices whenever I can. That sounds good right? I can make better choices all over the place. Yeah--technically. But what I mean is make good choices when I'm not being overly tempted, overly hungry, overly in the throws of addictive behavior. Just because there is grilled chicken on the menu does NOT mean that I have the will to order it.

I did have a sort of encouraging thought I guess. Or, maybe I'm just looking for excuses, I don't know. But I DO have PCOS, I DO and DID have an extremely stressful family situation growing up---I'm sure I've been flooded with cortisol from day one, growing up, my family almost NEVER did anything physically active---we never played any sports, or even watched any games or went hiking or camping or anything like that. Mom occasionally took me sledding or swimming or took me mushroom hunting (much against my will), I grew up on a strict, "hey, we survived the depression!" diet---meats, breads, fats and sugars.  Fruits were for pies, and veggies were a garnish. This is still the diet I greatly prefer to eat. And I still have no realistic idea of how to become physically active--when I come home from work I'm TIRED. I can't imagine going to play basketball or something just for fun. I don't want to get up any earlier.

Anyway---with all that against me I was "only" about 20 pounds overweight as a child and teen and "only" 50 pounds overweight now. It could have been much much much worse.

Two things that helped in my youth----I walked everywhere and we almost never ate out. Even a place like McDonalds was a very rare treat. I wonder if I'm sensitive to the chemicals and stuff in food?

Maybe there's some room for hope. Maybe.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The price

Ok---from here on out a gold star means 1 dollar, silver .75 and red .50.  Also, I think I'll not do the Lean and free after all. It just doesn't feel right. I actually picked out 3 LF slips, but put two of them back--way too much cooking of stuff that isn't going to help me. I'll wait for Hungry Girl.

I'm hoping to unite efforts with Catherine and maybe make a concerted push till the end of the semester. She has a math class that she doesn't like. I don't like watching what I eat. I know she'll help me. I hope she'll let me help her.