Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

No last supper

Well, one improvement already and I haven't even joined weight watchers.  In the past before starting some new plan I would always spend the days before eating like crazy while I still could.  I've THOUGHT about doing that--but when it comes down to it, I haven't really wanted or needed to.  Anything I think I might like to eat, I know I can have---even the chili's buffalo wings.  In fact, I think I'll make a POINT of eating those boneless buffalo wings (I usually only have them on Christmas) just to prove to myself that I can, so I can relax about it.  Also, popcorn, cookies, greek food and pizza.  WW is smart about giving people "extra" points every week for just this reason. The notion that regardless of plan, I will NOT allow myself to be hungry is powerful.

Oh boy, committed now. The lady from the insurance just called to welcome me to the "Waist Away" program. I'm free to join weight watchers. I also did look up OA---I really have no excuse.  The one group in Ogden meets at the hospital right by my house on Monday nights.  I'll start going in two weeks once my Monday night class is finished.  I think I'll call WW now, to get started.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

All right! all right!

Ugh.  I officially weigh more today than I have in years.  Something's gotta give, and I guess it needs to be my attitude---not that I'll give it up without kicking and screaming.  Yes, I'll join WW--but this time will be different than other attempts (I just hope it's enough different).  I'm not just going to swallow this program--I'm going to USE the program as a guide while I thrash out HOW I can live happily eating less and working out more. So, today I will look up OA meetings and start the insurance process so I can be reimbursed for ww.

Back to gratitude--funny how hard that is to maintain----I had a fun train of thought yesterday--pure vanity.  I was talking to a friend who happens to have been on ww for years--she is darling, with a short waist and comparitively large hips. I think she looks beautiful, but even at her ideal weight she will always look a bit on the squat side. I, however, will not.  I happen to be tall, with very long legs, long waist and perfect porportions.  I actually have a stunningly beautiful body (fun to say that!).  I'm the person the clothing designers MAKE the clothes for.  These thoughts may have been a first--I don't think I've ever sincerely thought about how good looking I am.  Fun to think!!!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

keeping the fruit

Weird day, it's 1:00 and I'm STILL not hungry for lunch. It's very abnormal for me to just skip it, but I think maybe I might.  Actually it's 2:00 now--I've had some snap peas and am munching on girl scout cookies because they sound good. My delicious ravioli doesn't sound good at all.  I wonder if I AM becoming sick?

Anyway, I wanted to mention that if I do ww, I will keep elements of Lean and Free--a fruit and veggie for lunch and dinner, a fruit (and veggie if I can) for b-fast, and lots and lots of water.  That will fit in fine in WW and--with the possible exception of today, I've never felt so well.  WW will involve similar obnoxious planning to the LF diet, but at least there is a huge support group plus a nifty little calculator.  I'm determined not to go hungry no matter what, but I'm also going to try hard to listen to my body and if I want LESS then to go with that as well.  I'm kind of hoping that trying this again might clear my mind--if it's yelling that I WANT three fajitas when I've had enough with one or two---that I can A: recognize I've had enough. B: Put some in the freezer so I can feel secure that it will be there later. C: have enough hope that stopping will actually result in the weight loss that I want so badly.  D: Maybe even develop foresight to have the fajitas on a free-bie day because I know they're one of my favorites. OR--advanced technique here---someday realize that I can forgo having as many as I want (assuming I 've had as many as I need) and still be happy, in the same way that I can forgo buying everything at the mall that I want and still be happy.   This is a VERY advanced technique that I'm nowhere near ready to adopt--but I'm trying.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Intuitive weight watchers?

Ok, I feel somewhat better.  I just came from my wellness class where they talk a lot about intuitive eating.  I'm wondering if I can combine that with weight watchers?  I like what the Lean and Free and what intuitive eating says about hunger---that is--if it's hunger then EAT.  Duh. I've long known that if I only ate when I was hungry that I wouldn't have a weight problem.

On the old ww program I was often hungry.  The claim is that this new program is different.  Bet not.  One thing IS interesting though--no calorie counting! I borrowed Jennifer's points calculator--you enter in protein, fiber, carbs, fats but no calories! That will be a refreshing change.  Just for fun, here's what I discovered---sm. movie popcorn (14 pts), Chili's boneless buffalo wings with blue cheese dressing (31 pts), 1 slice great harvest bread--the good stuff (3 pts.), a snickers bar (8 pts), 1/2 pack of lime and chili almonds (5 pts). 

Anyway--IF I do it.  And I fear I probably will, the temptation to lose weight is just too great-- I am going to do this in a different way.  If I'm hungry I WILL eat.  I'll plan out 10-15 kinds of snacks in advance--some might be freebies anyway--like tomatoes and onions (I love that), some might have some points like a bowl of oatmeal or a slice of great harvest bread, but if I'm genuinely hungry, I'm going to give myself permission to eat even if it means going over points.  I'll do it mostly online--the weekly meetings really bothered me last time, I respond better to print.  I won't weigh in every week because I play mind games with the scale.  I'll weigh in once a month. I might have to figure out some blow-out days--how frequent those will be, will depend on how much I need to rely on those extra points.  I will also re-enroll in Overeater's anonymous and keep focusing on what I know are the real problems.  I'll also keep up this blog. Also, I'll ramp up the exercise--I actually don't resent exercise--I don't necessarily like it, but I don't resent it. It's just hard to find the time to do it.  I guess if I do it, I'll go into it with the idea of listening to myself far more than I listen to the program. I want the program to help me stop addictive behaviors--eating a lot just because it's habit, or because I think I have some "reason" to eat a lot. Some things to think about anyway.

Long way to go!

Oh wow.  No wonder I'm having trouble and am tempted by weight watchers.  I've been keeping this blog for just over a month and in that time these are the food problems I've encountered.  This is only what I wrote down, by no means every poor choice I've made--here we go.
 Wildcat room lunch, movie popcorn, roast beef (very high fat), cheddar biscuits, cherry pie, pancake day, Maddox, Saudi Arabian dnner, Funeral lunch, two overeats of pizza, Executive lunch, choc milk-popcorn and cheese, too many waffles, McCools, Girl Scout Cookies, burger fries and lots of fry sauce, work pot-luck, rebellious off-program weekend.
  OK.  Can I even picture myself making different choices? The burger and fries are a good example--my co-worker on ww, went upstairs that same day and bought a turkey hogi and baked chips.  I could have done that, but I simply did not want to. CAN I really do this?  CAN I say no to myself???  I seem to be able to use reasonable self-disipline in other areas of my life.  Can I do this with food?  My history says no, I can't.  I'm going to go through each and every one of those problems in my mind and see if I can't visualize making a different choice.  In April--there is my birthday, a mystery dinner, a retirement dinner and Easter just for starters.

I've been looking at weight watchers today. Yes, the insurance will reimburse, yes I can have access to the online recipe creator (they charge extra above the membership cost for the online--maddening--if you join online, then you don't get the materials--brother.  They ARE a business.)  I spoke to Jennifer. She gets 29 points--the lowest a person can get.  Huh. Last time I joined I got 25. WITH the extra points they grant every week and WITH exercise points I could scrape by but it was really hard.  And it's not like ww is really saying it's ok to have any more---what they give in free fruit they take away with the carbs.  WOW--I really have some issues!  Just listening to myself--"They" take away this or that--like ww is some evil entity determined to spoil my fun and make endless unreasonable demands.  It's really the way it feels. I'm reminded of one of my favorite ZITS cartoons--the parents are just making conversation with their teen--"How was your day? Do you have a lot of homework?" etc.  The teen is envisioning himself on the rack and other torture devices.  A similar one is the parents laying down some very simple rules for summer and he feels bound and gagged by them.  This is exactly how weight watchers feels to me.  CAN I realize that the program is not designed to torture me, but to ENABLE me to accomplish something I've never been able to accomplish before?  I feel like a lady in a hording show I saw once.  This poor lady was having a complete meltdown because she felt as though everything was being taken away from her. That's just how I feel.  In this ladies case--yes, about 98% of the junk in her house really did have to go.  Food-wise I don't need to get rid of 98% happily, but I need to let go of FAR more than I think I do.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


UGH!  I have NOT lost any weight, inches or anything else.  Not surprising considering I've been eating more than even the Lean and Free program suggests most of the time.  I am feeling sorely tempted to join weight watchers again.  People, even me, DO lose weight on the program. And I DO want to lose weight, but blech.  They've rolled out a new program which boils down to now you have to watch carbs in addition to everything else. Sounds annoying.  The bottom line is that I know I'll be both hungry and bored.  Can I accept that I'll be hungry and bored for the length of time it would take to lose the weight?  And what about afterwards?  I don't want to make a huge effort and then gain it all right back because I never addressed the addiction.  WW is mighty reticient about what happens after a person loses weight.  Dave's "maintenence" plan is as blah as the original diet.  A few more points.  Oh whoopee.  Maybe after I actually hit my goal weight I can slowly morph onto a more Lean and Free type of lifestyle?  SLOWLY would be the key there.  On the other hand--how about just following the Lean and Free program now but up the excercise and do it faithfully? ---well.  There seems to be a bit too much freedom perhaps--more than I can handle anyway. 

The tempting things are that 1: my insurance would actually pay for it. 2. I would lose weight (my husband lost 50 pounds!), 3. I'm going to Aruba in the summer and Hawaii at Christmas--it sure would be fun to be thinner. 4. I really am afraid of diabetes. 5. Maybe if I actually stuck to it my body chemistry would change and I would beat the addiction.  6.  I hate the way my clothes are fitting now.  Dave bought me some beautiful clothes two years ago that almost fit. I want them to really fit. 7. What if I did WW 6 days a week and had one day to eat as I please? 8. I at least respect the recipies ww comes up with.  REALLY good.

Is this a sell out?  YES!! I don't WANT WW to be the way to lose weight!!  I'm actually teaching a seminar in a few weeks about addressing the core psychological issues that keep us fat.  Joining pre-digested programs like WW make it difficult to discover those issues because you can just follow blindly along until the diet self destructs. I'm rationalizing that if I do join I would be an online member (the meetings in Ogden are less than inspiring to put it mildly), and I would also join Overeater's Anonymous again.  THOSE are the people who really have the answers. 

I'll talk to Jennifer at work tomorrow.  I think she's a member.  Maybe she'll reveal the great mystery number of how many points I would get before I join up.  I also want to know how many points I'd get at my goal weight. (of COURSE they don't tell you that until you pay up first!  How silly to even think they would!)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

looooong walk!

Ugh.  Beginnings of a sore throat and runny eyes.  It didn't stop me though. I'm proud of myself. Even though I feel fat and more than a little out of control, I at least did my walk--it was the longest walk of my life!  Not time-wise--it was two hours long, but it FELT like two days--and I'm pleased because it came at some sacrifice.  I've been feeling weird stirrings toward spring housecleaning--possibly a first in my whole life, and I really wanted to spend the day puttering around the house and cleaning.  BUT--I haven't been to the temple in ages, and now that I finally have my wallet back I could go.  So I did.  I put my workout clothes in a bag, went to the temple first thing then walked from the Ogden temple all the way back home.  I got home tired and hungry around 12:45 which meant I still had another 45 minutes to walk.  UGH!  I dumped my bag in the door and hoofed it around the neighborhood.  Cleaning urge strong enough (perhaps the house has just tipped even my cleanliness threshold) that I did not take a nap after lunch, instead I did a little of the puttering I wanted to and even mopped the filthy floor.  After that I took C to the YW dinner and broadcast--very nice.  THEN I finally came home to rest and work on my insanely hard puzzle.  My eating wasn't too horrible --I at least managed to refrain from having TWO cupcakes at the dinner--except that I had Dave make me some ice-cream (we gave him a very nifty sorft serve ice-cream maker for Christmas).  I usually do not do this--I'm more of a cookie girl, but it looked like it would be so soothing on the throat.  I really only wanted about half of what he gave me and I regretted having him put in the m&m's, but I didn't stop. I wonder what could have helped me stop?  I DID have the cat on my lap who would have been happy to finish it for me, but I thought it wouldn't do him any good either.

Friday, March 25, 2011


Feeling frustrated today--mostly because I feel fat and flabby and I don't know what to do about it.  On WW I was furious because following the plan perfectly was a HUGE change for me---waaaaaay less of everything. I'd do well for awhile, and then I'd start slipping, but only a little!!!  And I mean
A LITTLE!!!  I was very careful about unconscious eating--so I would write down that I had an extra 1/2 cup of milk (55 cal! oh no!).  As soon as I deviated even the slightest bit, weight loss would CEASE and I would just sit there maintaining my weight.  This did not seem to me to be a plateau--I hadn't been on the plan long enough for that! Just a full and complete stop.  WHY?? I was still giving 90 to 95% effort.  At that point I had a choice.  Keep up the effort, which to me still felt enourmous, and maintain my weight, or eat whatever I want and maintain my weight.

So today I sit frustrated. FAT and frustrated.  We're having a pot-luck at work. I don't WANT to skip it or be moderate about it. Moderate doesn't seem to work anyway. 

Whatever.  What DOES work at least on a health level is the idea of fruits, veggies and lots of water and exercise. Thank goodness it's the weekend.  I feel a rare urge to spring clean.  Maybe that will help me feel better.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Bored but not eating

Still "off" in a way.  I'm not convinced that the Lean and Free program works.  The book does say that although some women lose weight at 20% fat most need to eat less fat than that. I'll have to look at the book again.  It wasn't terribly difficult to keep the fat down to 20%--and about 1/2 the time my plan DID work out to 14 or 17%--but the thing I liked about those days was planning in some treat. I don't want to cut out those treats!  However, looking at her actual menus didn't seem terribly restrictive.  It could also be that I think I'm much more faithful that I actually am---something this blog shows--how many "exceptions" have there been?  Still, I think those exceptions are important. Apparently I'm not willing to live without them--how can I make them less damaging?  One thing that really bugs me about a lot of diets is that they don't talk enough about life after the diet. There are  a few pages about "maintenence" and that's it.  But isn't that where I'm going to spend the rest of my life?  I need to know what my food life is going to look like AFTER I lose the weight! Is this a lifestyle that I would even want to embrace?  How else can I stay motivated unless I know I'm going somewhere where I WANT to go. My personal trainer friend here at work eats a lot of hard boiled eggs and protein shakes.  Ugh. He looks great, but I don't want to live like that.

ANYWAY--some small progress.  We had fruit and cookies at work yesterday.  I was bored and tired--key elements that trigger overeating for me.  I had one cookie as dessert for lunch, but for the rest of the afternoon even though I was bored and wanted to eat, I didn't want to eat--especially not loads of those cookies. Nice.  I really think my determination to stay full and undeprived is working to loosen my death grip on food. It's just taking much longer than I would like.  I am deeply grateful that I have been granted time to work on this problem.  For now I don't have any major physical problems that would cause me to limit my food and I'm very glad I can make mistakes and be rebellious and still be relatively healthy. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

on and off

Had a "bad" thought yesterday. Didn't plan my menu and didn't worry too much about it.  The mistake was that while I was putting away dinner I cut and ate a slice of cheese because I was "OFF" the program. It's a powerful and destructive thought--being either On or OFF.  Because I was OFF I somehow had license to eat whatever.  Today I'm also OFF because I didn't take time to plan and because this week we are light on leftovers so there really wasn't much on hand that I wanted to build a lunch out of.  I brought a PBJ sandwich and some sides, but that doesn't even begin to hold up against the hamburgers that are available upstairs and that I somehow have license to buy because we have the tax return. So, yes, I had the burger and fries and lots of fry sauce. (But I also had carrots and fruit! and walked to work.) Plus we have cookies and fruit in the office today.   I'm feeling off all around.  I'm not particularly motivated to write this blog today but I need to.  I refuse to go back to "on and off" thinking.  Every choice is a choice and that's it.  I'll make as many good ones as I can.

Monday, March 21, 2011


Ah phooey.  Chili's boneless buffalo wings which I love, are 55% fat.  Good thing I have my mouth mostly set for Subways.  Didn't write out the plan today, but have been pretty reasonable. I'll have to see what I can do about working those wings into my life.  Actually, I am excited about Subways--it's back to work after spring break, but we got our tax return--Dave and C went to BYU to scope out things there and are going to Fuddruckers. I have class after work and am excited not to cook, but to go to Subways and have a great big caffiene free diet pepsi, and a footlong sandwich and chips and those GS cookies at last.

At the walking group we had a wonderful speaker talk about self-esteem.  Nothing really new, but good to hear again.  It's so easy to slip into poor thinking--not give myself enough credit, assume that because one healthy meal left me unsatisfied that they all will--things like that. Grateful today for the positive interaction of that group and all the great people in my life.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Feeling incredibly wealthy just now.  We went to a fireside given by a darling couple in our ward who went to Mali, Africa to build a school.  Our stake president, who is a dentist, went with them.  They were there for several weeks doing free dental work and finishing the school.  Unbelievable poverty. Kids--if they can get an education at all--might have to walk as far as 8 miles to a school.  Doing this is a sacrifice for the whole family--the child is not working, therefore not bringing in income.  Often there is no food to send with the child for a lunch, so the child takes a hoe kind of thing, and digs for roots and berries or whatever they can find to eat.

If the lack of food didn't do me in, the lack of dental care certainly would. People in real agony were lined up for hours to have teeth pulled.

Anyway, here I sit in my private multi-roomed home with a private computer having just taken a hot shower. Day off from exercise, though I did plan my meals.  Was a bit derailed by the meatloaf.  Meat, no matter how lean, is just a high fat choice.  It brought my percentage to 28.  Looked over my menu to see if there were any better choices elsewhere to help compensate.  There was.  I've been dying for a 7 layer bean dip and made it yesterday.  Not a terrible choice, but by choosing salsa instead of dip I could have dropped the percentage to 26%.  In the thrall of wanting the dip I decided it didn't make enough of a difference.   Actually, it does.  I'm reminded of the backpacker's addage, "take care of the ounces and the pounds will take care of themselves." Oh well.  I'm vaguely justifying today by reminding myself that Mike, the personal trainer I work with, thinks 20% fat is too low.  It would be too, if my overall calorie count was low.  But it isn't--even at 20% I"m eating more than enough fat to keep all systems plenty happy.  Still, I can rationalize 30%.  I shouldn't.  But I can.

The other mistake was that after the fireside there were cookies.  I had planned two girl scout cookies. The GS cookies are small.  Had I eaten ONE of the large fireside cookies it would have worked out about the same.  I ate three.  On the bright side.  I was completely content with three. Usually I like 6 or 7 and am still looking around to munch.

Am going to bed now in my marvelously comfy bed, without bugs, or dirt or 10 other people in the same room.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


OKAY!!!  back on track--at least for today and probably tomorrow too.  It's not so bad, it's just that the planning out is laborious and I don't know how to make it quicker. Mostly it feels really good.  The thing that continues to amaze me is how accurate my inner gauge is--I would have thought it would be completely out of whack considering that I've been overweight my whole life.  But no!  I sit down and write out about what I think I'd like for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks--and I mean what I'd LIKE--not what I think I ought to be eating and it ALWAYS comes out between 2,000 and 2,400 cal---usually between 2,100 and 2,200.  Which, as it happens is right about what I'm SUPPOSED to be eating to maintain a healthy weight.  It really is incredible---anyone who has maintained a fairly stable weight over a period of time is doing exactly this---we eat millions of calories every year and to maintain a stable weight--it would be impossible to figure it out on a day to day basis and yet all of us do just that.

So what happens? For me lack of exercise happens.  Also, it's incredibly easy in America to eat badly.  Take that trip to McCool's the other night.  I often plan to eat a sandwich or even two and oven fries--and that fit's in just fine.  A McCool's sandwich on the other hand, is the same amount of bulk, but with a HUGE calorie difference.  Various forays into WW and trying to eat right in general have let me discover that it takes about 600 cal to become reasonably full--but if the food is good and/or high fat it easily overwhelms the 600 full signal.  I don't know if there is an average caloric over-eat that I do--but I have no trouble putting away full giant restaraunt entree's.  I think I get derailed by that kind of thing an awful lot.  The other thing that gets me is that it's so easy to add little stuff.  Today I'm having a brownie.  Dave brought home girl scout cookies.  I can have one or the other and stay within 20% fat but not both. That's a big problem with this or any other eating plan---it may be plentiful, but it isn't unconscious.  It wasn't exactly hard to pass up the cookies because I wanted the brownie--but I would have preferred to have both.

ANYWAY--Today was a long walk day of two hours.  I went back to Beus Pond because it was too late to belatedly plan a trip to Antelope island (next week!).  I took a little footpath up above the pond and was rewarded by a huge deer jumping across my path.  Dave met me there a little later to do the walk around the pond part of my walk with me.  I took him to that little path--we ventured farther along and then saw TWO deer.  Didn't have the camera darn it.  They let us get quite close.  I enjoyed the walk and probably went about six miles.  So I'm feeling good today.  PLUS--I was rewarded with the best and deepest nap I've had in a long time.  Will plan again tomorrow--it's too cumbersome to do everyday, but it's worth doing as much as I can.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Ach Begorrah!

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.  I got a LOT of exercise, walked to and from work, went to a geo-caching class (super fun--it's also spring break so I can do things like this), walked ALL over campus--which is in the mountains and all uphill, and walked up and down a bunch of stairt--I was hanging up flyers around campus.  Also stood in line for about an hour waiting for dinner.

I'm still kind of feeling generally low-battery.  St. Patrick's day isn't that big of a deal for me so I hadnt' planned dinner. Dave was willing, but still had to go to the store--I'm not a huge corned beef and cabbage fan, and also that stuff really should cook a long time.  I was attracted to the idea of a "ploughman's lunch"--sausages, cheese, salad--but that's kind of a me sort of thing only. But, since today was pay day so we figured, what the heck let's go out to eat for once.  We used to eat out all the time, but our income took a drastic hit when we moved to Utah, so eating out has become relatively rare.  There is an Irish pub not far.  It was loads of fun--terrific atmosphere, but boy oh boy was it a testament that home cooking is better for you!
   I had a reuben sandwich--good, but I'm sure it was packed with grease.  We also had fried cheese---pure fat. The food was good overall, but not great--not up to the reputation that McCool's has.  Definitely not worth the damage to our bodies as far as the food goes, but we might make a tradition of it simply because the atmosphere was so much fun.  The moral here is that even if I had made the ploughman's lunch for us and had overindulged in high fat sausage and cheese at home, I'll bet it still would have had far fewer fat and calories than the sandwich and fries I had last night. 
   Today's major mission is to help Catherine get a scholarship essay into shape that is due today.  Tomorrow's mission is to truly get back on track.  I'm due to take a huge walk in the morning, so it's a good jump start.  

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Darn.  I really meant to plan out my day tomorrow. I must not have really wanted to though.  I AM genuinely tired--I think I'm fighting off this virus that's going around.  I didn't even cook dinner which is rare.  Dave made waffles.  Then I remembered that tomorrow is St. Patrick's day so dinner will be difficult.  Pure excuses.  It wouldn't have been difficult two weeks ago.  There is that calorie counter site where I could plug in any recipe, and I did think of that briefly, but Catherine was on the computer, then she wanted to play a game, then I wanted a little time for myself.  The upshot is that it's 10 pm and nothing is planned for tomorrow and I really do need to go to bed.  What can I do but try again tomorrow--although tomorrow might be a lame effort. Rats. The current effort has run its course and has lost priority in my life and right now I'm too tired to put it up where it needs to be. I haven't given up entirely by a long shot yet.  I'll hope for a speedy recovery in every sense of the word.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Felt tired as though I were coming down with something--not surprising.  A nasty bug is going around work, Catherine was sick all last week with a stomach virus and Dave is flirting with the respiratory crud.  I've been resting tonight and am going to bed early.  What I was going to say here though is that I'm surprised how long I've held out.  I'm sure all the fruits and veggies are doing something good to support the immune system.  Also, I really loved my dinner tonight.  I've always been a fan of appetizers and having lots of little things to choose from. Making a point to add fruits and veggies makes my meals much more like that.  Tonight we had sloppy joes--on thin hamburger buns (love those).  I added onion, peppers and celery to the meat--that helped on the nutrition.  We had a side of apples slices and oranges, also a side of celery and red peppers and a dip made with fat free sour cream (the dip was a mix I got from a Christmas festival thing).  I seem to be acquiring a taste for olives---weird! I've never liked them, but I wanted some Kalamati olives last week for a rosemary olive bread.  It just sounded good.  It IS good.  I also had a few olives as a side. So, lots of little things to pick and choose from.

Pandora's box

I made a new recipe last night for dinner---Pad Thai out of a Cooking Light cookbook I'd gotten from the library.  Let me just say that cookbooks and recipies that label themselves as light or healthy just because they've figured out the calories in a recipe when actually they are just as unhealthy as anything else, really make me mad.  Anyway the pad Thai was a pretty good choice.  I had that and a few chinese dumplings for dinner and I was set.  Not hungry, not craving anything, totally fine.  Buuuuut, it's spring break so I didn't have my night class and I thought how nice it would be to have a glass of chocolate milk and work on my puzzle.  We ended up playing a family game instead--and what goes better with chocolate milk than popcorn? A little of that won't hurt.  Catherine made her five minute chocolate cake in a mug and I had a few bites of that.  The end result was that I ate a whole lot more popcorn than I meant to, and once I started eating I lost that satisfied feeling.  Now I wanted cheese, and my own mug cake!  I didn't have them, but it took will power.  Far more will power than if I hadn't started on that stupid chocolate milk when I wasn't hungry and I didn't want it.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

skipping chocolate

Enjoying not writing things down a little too much. However, will make a point to plan out at least several of my meals this week because bad habits creep (rush) in soooo fast.  Still keeping up on eating the fruits and the veggies--I really enjoy this--I liked having a little dish of honey-dew melon on the side at dinner time.  Also, I'm drinking plenty of water, as my trips to the bathroom will attest.  I ate too many cookies after dinner tonight (3 large), but I DIDN'T eat any before dinner and I didn't even eat one of the little chocolates in my scripture case at church because those things really impact the fat total for the day. Also, instead of grazing after church, I had a very defined snack of a banana and a muffin. Healthy, and MUCH better than constant nibbling for three hours while I cooked dinner.  Lesson at church was on the word of wisdom and the sister that gave it has heart problems AND cancer AND diabetes AND a stroke AND allergies.  Good grief!!  Weight loss or not I feel motivated to keep trying to maintain wellness if not thinness and beauty. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

after the pizza...

Ugh---I should KNOW better.  Last night I definitely had more pizza than my body intuitively wanted--also a few chocolate chip cookies.  However, I was feeling so slim and light this morning anyway that I foolishly got on the wii to see if my BMI has miraculously changed.  It had. It's a shade higher than last time. You'd think I'd know better not to weigh after a pizza night. 

I'd like to be able to say that I got right back on the wagon today. Well....I did have a simple bowl of cereal for b-fast, and then a very long (100 min) walk (discovered Beus Pond finally!), and a large, but healthy lunch.  It's dinner I have trouble with. Dave made meatloaf burgers--they were pretty large and I said ok to the melted cheese.  Then I said ok to the bowl of ice-cream with snickers in it.

I'm officially at the three week slump.  I haven't lost a thing--either pounds, inches or BMI, which certainly makes this blog less than a thrilling success.  And of course, any reader could look at this and go, "well duh---look at all this stuff she's eaten."  Yeah, but it's so much better than what I was eating before!!!  So I want to quit.

Carry on I suppose.  I think I might experiment with adding a late night snack----it might help me stop earlier at dinner time.  It'll be good if a 100-200 cal snack at night would offset 300-400 extra cals of second helpings.  But I'm afraid dinner portions might stay the same and now there would be a late night habit.  Mmmmmm---maybe I could know that if I DO stop a little earlier for dinner, I CAN have a snack later if I want it.

Friday, March 11, 2011

potato salad

Feeling much more kindly disposed toward food today.  Last night's dinner helped--hooray for weight watchers recipies.  I have issues with their program obviously, but I do love the community and the wealth of great recipies that they generate.  Last night I made chicken rolled up with ham and cheese, and a ww german potato salad that was simply terrific---it involved onion fried up in bacon grease and oil so you know that was good! 

The weather's been nice, so I've been able to walk to work (both ways yesterday and today) and I did actually do the strength training the other night so that was good too.  Other positives from yesterday---I made at least two intuitive decisions--around lunch I really was hungry so I really did eat.  At dinner those chicken rolls were pretty big and I was able to realize at one point that I was full enough that to eat the rest would actually take a little effort, so I saved it for today's lunch.  A good step!  On the down-side was the pre-dinner nibbling.  I don't think that's intuitive eating--that's just unconscious and a dumb way to really pack in a lot of calories.  One thing to work on---I am hyper aware of every thing I might pass up, but I think I'm often unaware of everything I don't pass up.  Hence the deprivation stays high and the satisfaction stays low.  I think skinny people have that exactly flipped around.  I've heard endless thin people claim they've "eaten so much" when, if you really look, they've eaten four bites of sandwich, a pickle and two potato chips. Since they are unaware of just how much they've just passed up (hello! there was fried chicken and melon and cookies!) because they can always come back and eat it later, they don't realize how little they've eaten.  They only know they're full and happy and free to come back.

Not quite sure how to turn that around, but I think staying content is key.  Actually, this morning, I only wanted one thin bagel with the veggie cream cheese, but I packed the cinnamon toast crunch cereal which I'm snacking on now just an hour later. 

Gratitude-wise--I am VERY grateful for fundamental good health today.  One acquaintance from work (nicest lady in the world!) is quite heavy and has had one of her legs amputated already (I don't know what the problem was), she's back in the hospital to have some more leg removed because of infection.  I don't know if any of her troubles are weight related but the weight can't be helping.  Another lady in my church is terribly overweight and has all kinds of health problems--definitely related to weight--she's having open heart surgery next week.  I'll be surprised if she survives.   I've been very very lucky--not much the matter with me so far, so thank you to my good and beautiful body for giving me 46 good years despite the way I've treated you.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Scarlett O'Hara

I feel a little like Scarlett from Gone With the Wind,  "I'll never be hungry again."  Sounds funny from someone who's always had more than enough, but I really HAVEN'T.  Ever since I was little someone has been trying to take food away from me (usually myself), and while I've never succeeded for any length of time, I've certainly succeeded in feeling massively insecure about food. 

We've been talking about intuitive eating in my walking class.  I've been thinking about why I find it so difficult to do.  For starters I was raised on large portions of good heavy German farm food--meat, potatoes, cheese, cream, butter, milk, bacon and oil.  It's a great diet if one is a hardworking farmer, not so great if one is a school girl. When I was young this kind of diet is what I "intuitively" would want.  Mostly, it's still true. I find it very difficult to separate what my body needs from what my mind wants.  Still, if I'm ever going to achieve my ultimate dream of becoming the person who can eat what ever I want and still be thin, it's going be important to start by at least not being hungry.  This is surprisingly difficult.  Part of me just wants to throw any and all attempts at eating right out the window and go and buy a pound of cheese.  Part of me wants to stay on the course I've been pursuing, and part of me actually wants to join Weight Watchers yet again because I badly want to get rid of this weight once and for all.
I think I'll keep on course--at least more or less.  Yesterday I was too hungry too much, although I had tried to plan plentifully.  Today I ate a good breakfast but was hungry by 10. So I ate a granola bar.  Still hungry--and a yogurt. Still hungry--and some saltines. Feeling barely ok.   Then I was asked if I could switch and have my lunch at 11:30--sure.  That did the trick---a large portion of brown rice, peas, chicken, wontons, fruit cup and two spinach feta triangles with lots of soy sauce and chinese hot sauce.  Finally, I felt full.  Ate two chocolate truffles not on plan (but not too bad for me). Girl came to desk selling chocolate.  Bought one and ate a piece of almond choc and also a mint melt-away.  Ooops.  4:15 now and I wish I had a fruit. I'll be done here in a little while though and will go home and make dinner at a reasonable hour for once.

Weight Watchers tempts with a quick fix---but I want a different relationship with food.  So for now, thanks, but no thanks.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Stress Food

It's official.  I DO eat for stress. I was back on track today--had the day planned out and all, but it wasn't very satisfying.  Then I had my late art class so it was a late dinner night.  I might have not gone too far over the edge, but C has had a stomach virus all week and tonight she began complaining about sharp pains in her abdomen. We took her to instacare---it doesn't seem to be anything--white blood cell count is normal, so it's probably not appendicitis.  Forty-five dollars poorer, but we can sleep well tonight.  When we got home I just didn't care at all.  I wanted popcorn also chocolate milk and cheese (one of my favorite combos that is very high calorie).  The best that can be said is that I only ate 1/2 the bowl of popcorn and perhaps not as much cheese as usual.  I'm tired and worried about the amount of school C is missing. Too tired to officially plan out tomorrow.  Will aim to eat intuitively, but fear I am looking for an excuse to not worry about it? Free cheese all day? Whatever happens, I'm determined to have lots of water, fruits, veggies and hopefully a walk both ways to work and back.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

No progress but maybe a step

I confess, I don't think what I'm doing is having any noticable effect.  My clothes aren't looser, and I doubt I weigh any less.  Still--SOMETHING must be improving because I'm eating so much better--at least more balanced and far less fat and sugar.  Except for today. But even today I hope marked a step in the right direction.

About 10 years ago I was on vacation and we stopped at an Arby's.  I love Arby's.  I had my favorite--a giant roast beef sandwich, a huge order of curly fries, loads of horsey sauce and probably a cherry pie.  Plenty of junk food calories there.  I ate every bit and loved it BUT when I was through I realized that I was still HUNGRY!!  I could have easily eaten as much again.  I didn't--even I have some brakes, but I wanted to, and I was annoyed by that.  I believe that if I put that amount of food into my system (not to mention pay fast food prices for it), knowing that I will pay for it in bad skin and tighter pants,  I should at least be satisfied with the meal!!  That episode marked the beginnings of my disenchantment with fast food. I rarely eat at fast food joints anymore even when I'm not trying to watch my weight--they just plain don't fill me up.  Subways is the exception.  Subway's works for me.   Well, today was the retreat at my work, and I had my delicious "executive" meal.  It was the yummiest turkey sandwich I've ever eaten.  The bread was amazing and covered with oil, and the dressing was amazing (full of fat).  With this, I had a bag of potato chips, an apple, a little cup of rice salad (also fatty), and a huge chocolate chip cookie bar.  Terrific--except it was Arby's all over again.  All that and I wasn't full--not even close.  Worse, I was wanting the wrong things all day.  There just wasn't the bone deep satisfaction I've enjoyed over the past few weeks.  I don't know what my body is missing, but it's missing something.  Even now I want to go an graze even though I'm not hungry.  I HOPE this marks the beginning of a disenchantment with heavy fat filled low nutrition meals in general.
I'm back to planning--and I made a good dinner for tomorrow and am figuring things out now, but I'm afraid it's coming at the cost of today's exercise.  I guess I can do the strength training at least while I watch the news, and maybe walk to work tomorrow though.  Grateful today that I haven't yet fallen to the sickness going around the office and here at home (Catherine's down).  I may yet go under, but my immune system is putting up an unusually good fight.

Monday, March 7, 2011


ACK!  TOO many exceptions!!!!  I'm glad I'm keeping this blog to reveal them to me.  Tomorrow is the RS dinner---no doubt high carb, high fat but I forgot it is also the retreat at work! I'll be having the "Executive Lunch" whatever that is.  I don't remember exactly, but it involves a really delicious sandwich at least and I think a cookie too.  I honestly don't know how to handle this sort of thing.  At all costs I need to keep from feeling deprived and resentful (because then I'll simply quit altogether), but I don't know how to manage these "exceptions" in a way that will allow me to make a better choice AND stay happy.  I'll compensate somewhat for tomorrow's lunch by shoveling snow tonight.

creme brulee

Yesterday was the first day I missed posting on this blog. Pure poor time management--my art assignment isn't done either and neither is Catherine's dress.  I'm sad I also didn't get today's meals figured out.  It DOES take time.  I've prepared to make good decisions, but it would be nice to know I'm on track rather than just hope I am.  Oh well, tomorrow is a brand new day and I started today with chocolate chip walnut banana muffins (good and good for you), so it's difficult to complain about life. 

I'm missing not knowing how I'm doing.  I'm not really weighing in and I didn't take my starting measurements.  I might hop on the wii to see if my BMI has changed but I'm kind of avoiding that in case nothing's changed.  I know all the hoopla about goal setting and I believe in it too--just not in the weight loss world for me.  I play major mind games and the result is always self-sabotage.  This time I'll see where ignorance gets me, and look for other changes. :)  One change was that fasting yesterday was much easier than it's ever been before.  It felt nice.  I broke the fast around 5 pm, but more because I needed to taste  what I was cooking than because I was desperate for food like I usually am. 

I'm sensing two things--first---I should (and want to!) keep up with what I'm doing.  I feel really satisfied and I think my body is beginning to relax a little and trust that it's going to get what it needs.  It's going to take my mind a little longer to relax probably before I really trust myself not to get impatient and go on an "real" diet again.   The other thing is that I need to do more than just my walking.  The walking is great and keeps me baseline healthy, but I think if I want to lose weight I'll simply have to get moving a bit more vigourously a couple of times a week at least. I'll start tonight by doing that little strength training routine from the walking class.  Later this week I'll try and get in a video workout of some kind too. 

Today's menu (maybe I'll figure out the exact fat/cal when I get home and see how well or not I did) is plentiful and yummy.  Muffins, cottage cheese and cantaloupe with milk for b-fast, a snack of yogurt, leftover homemade pizza (four slices), salad, applesauce and a pudding cup for lunch, Samosa sandwiches (meat filling in a pizza crust) with a lime/honey dip and fruit for dinner.   Oh! and Creme brulee!  That's actually from last night, but we need to have it more often!  It's rich and expensive sounding but actually quite calorie and fat friendly.  Plus we get to play with the family blowtorch.  Can't beat that!

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I keep forgetting the point of this is gratitude as well as a food tracker.  Today's gratitude is easy--we're all safe.  I was walking my appointed 70 min. for the walkers group and was passed by all kinds of police cars and ambulances.  To my alarm they seemed to be stopping right by my house!  It wasn't until I was almost on top of it that I could see that it had nothing to do with my house or family, only a terrible car accident on my intersection. One car was smoking and it took them so long to get the driver out we thought he might be dead. Eventually though he got out on his own power albeit with an big cut on his forehead. 

On a much shallower note, I was also grateful for my relatively cute little body tonight.  We went to a play and the two women (with beautiful hair) in front of us were much bigger than I am. I thought about how hard they would have to work to get into the jeans I was wearing and felt much more accepting of my body than I usually do.  I'm also very thankful that despite arthritis in both knees, I live pain free without meds and could walk that 70 min without effort--and that's on top of the running around I did this morning.

I didn't track the food today--but tried hard to make good choices.  I did too with the exception of the ice-cream after the play--but even then I only had a 1 scoop sundae--problem the scoop was huge. I definitely have a problem stopping if there is more in front of me that I could eat.  I just love to eat.  Tomorrow is fast sunday and I refuse to worry about food at all.  Dinner is grilled steak with creme brulee for dessert. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Pizza, popcorn, giradelli

Yea, well.  I unraveled a bit tonight.  I think I'm more bugged by the thought that I don't know how much if any damage I did.  Classic triggers---it's Friday, I'm tired and I don't want to think about what I'm eating.  I came home and immediately took my daughter shopping. Got home at 7--not exactly hungry, but weary. Had planned english muffin pizzas, out of muffins, no prob--can and did make my own pizza crust--1/2 wheat and all. We have the world's slowest oven.  Preheating took forever. We finally ate around 8--too late. I had five pieces--however that might not have been as bad as it seems---turkey pepperoni, fat free mozzarella, veggies, big salad on the side with lite dressing, two giant jalapenos with fat free cream cheese.  Calorically, and fat-wise it probably wasn't that bad, but it was out of control.  Tonight I made the popcorn.  It felt great.  Finished the night with a little giradelli chocolate caramel square.  NOT on the plan. Will try again tomorrow--except that I haven't planned it out yet.  I made the shopping list. That's it. I am done for the night. I didn't make my quilt square, I didn't fit Catherine's dress, I didn't practice harp, but I am DONE.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

No popcorn!

Well this is a first! After I signed off last night I had every intention of making some popcorn, but I had a shower first and since that's usually about the last thing I do at night I guess my body took that as a cue that it was bedtime and shut down the desire for popcorn.  Very weird.  I like this concept of eating until I'm full.  I have my day planned for tomorrow--but if I want another glass of milk for b-fast or an extra pizza muffin for dinner that's fine.  This is about the time I usually start wavering and wanting to quit on any "diet".  Sure enough, I've begun thinking about what I'm missing and I'm getting bored with writing things down.  But then I remember---it's fine.  I don't HAVE to write anything down if I don't want to--I LIKE eating fruit, veggies, grains, protein and water at every meal.  Tonight I made pineapple chicken and rice and frozen eggrolls.  It was about 8 before I got to eat any of it and part of my mind is still in typical "oh no, I'm on a diet" kind of thinking.  Ugh--chicken and rice--for dinner and I'm really hungry.  Then I remembered...I won't STAY hungry because I can eat as much as I need to until I'm full.  Plus, its a dinner I'd make even if I wasn't trying to watch anything--so, I'm ok.  Exercise a bit of a struggle--none yesterday, and almost none today but I did at least ride the bike for 5 miles.  I seem to be rebelling against the little strength training program from my walking group.  No idea why.  I like it.  It's concrete, it's the right amount of difficulty, it doesn't take long, it doesn't use equipment, I can do it while I watch TV---what on earth is the problem?  Does part of me not want to succeed? Am I afraid that I might firm up or lose weight and then won't keep it up? So what? It'll always be there for me to to again.  Maybe I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm avoiding it?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Beautiful funeral and beautiful funeral potatoes.  Oh dear.  I do love funeral potatoes and I ate a great heap of them. Ate one brownie and decided against going back for another one, but a little while later one of the sisters came with the plate with the last browni- picked me out of the crowd-and said, "here, eat this last one" and tipped it onto my plate.  Of course I ate it--I'm hardly super human.  Compounding the stress of the funeral was the stress of having locked my keys in the car.  As soon as Geico let me back in the car discovered a much more major stress--- my wallet is missing.  No one seems to have charged anything--but I've put holds on the bank cards etc. What a pain. I'm trying hard not to think of the pictures that were in the wallet. My plan is to take a hot shower, have some popcorn-(apparently I do eat for emotional reasons because the popcorn feels mandatory tonight), and attempt to get to bed early.  I will plan out tomorrow's day though. I'm not ready to go it on my own.  BMI a little lower today and blouse a little looser.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

cinnamon toast crunch

This eating plan definitley has its perks. This morning I had a perfectly fine breakfast of a hot pocket, some cottage cheese and fruit and milk.  It should have filled me up but it didn't.  So I poured myself a baggie of cinnamon toast crunch cereal and walked up to work.  Now I'm munching on the cereal (which is below 20% fat) and feeling pretty happy with life. Today is the easy day I expected yesterday to be.  I'm making chicken enchiladas for dinner.  I'm not quite in the mood for the lunch I packed (a yam and black bean chili leftover dish), but I am able to have a couple of those Saudi Arabian date balls so I'm feeling graced with plenty.  Tomorrow will be a challenge though.  Tricia's (my best friend in high school) father died and I'm going up to Salt Lake tomorrow for the funeral.  They were my second family for a long time.  I don't imagine the funeral food will be any too healthy, or that I'll be wanting to worry about it.  I suppose I'll just make the best choices I can---it shouldn't be too hard.  This is one of those very rare times when I really am more concered about the people than the food.