Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Feeling fat/thin

Brother. I've been feeling fat all weekend because my clothes were tight. Today I feel thin because my clothes are loose. Whatever!! I think overall I'm happy with last weekend. No doubt it was too much by way of calories etc, but it was what I know how to do and I didn't overdo what I knew--does that make sense? From here, I can learn to do better.  One thing I learned (or began to) is that I can live without salad dressing. On Friday I got a slice of pizza and a ceasar salad. I forgot the packet of dressing and was too lazy to go back upstairs for it. I ate the salad dry and felt really good about it, because I knew the pizza and the breadstick already had plenty of calories, but without dressing the meal wasn't a total disaster. That night I didn't have pizza or go out, instead I had homemade crepes.

On Saturday, Dave was back and we went to Provo to get Catherine with the idea of going to the Renesannce festival at Thanksgiving Point. None of us had been before, but it was pouring rain so hard we had to pull off, so we had lunch at Zupas. I love their mushroom soup.  We didn't go to the festival after all, instead we went to the dinosaur museum. Lots of fun!  We were looking for a treat to eat, but the food was really boring. So we opted for ice-cream at the BYU creamery. I need to remember to order the child's scoop. The single  scoop is ridiculously huge.  Back home, I wanted something real, so I fixed us bacon, eggs and toast.

Yesterday was Dad's birthday. I instantly forgot about not needing dressing and glopped on the blue cheese. I think my real mistake there was 3 slices of garlic bread. I knew better. Was that justified because I was genuinely hungry? I dunno.

Today, I am STARVING. I don't know why. Maybe it's just hormones, but good grief!!! I've eaten plentifully and well! For breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal with a whole peach and some nuts and a glass of milk. Snack was 1/2 sleeve of nuts and a big baggie of carrots. Lunch was a lean pocket sandwich, a whole can of progresso soup and a 100 cal bag of popcorn and 2 chocolates.
Snack again, because I'm starving is another whole sleeve of nuts.  I have my class tonight and I can't wait to eat my meatloaf sandwich, olives and apple. I think I still have some yogurt in the fridge here. I'd better eat that too. Tomorrow I will not bring nuts. They are a good snack but not in huge quantities--today I've eaten about 400 cal in nuts alone. Too much!!!

Friday, September 26, 2014

PF Changs

Peach (super good! I want more!)
cottage cheese
Slice of olive loaf w butter
slice of cheddar cheese

Exercise: Kettle bells--good workout
Snacks: rest of sleeve of nuts, zuchinni slices, werthers caramel

Lunch: 2 slices olive loaf, 6 slices deli roast beef with ff cream cheese, 1/5 oz about of cheddar cheese, cup o soup, garden tomato and onions, chocolate square.

Dinner: Drove to Provo and took C to PF Changs. Yummy!!! We got the dinner for two which included soup. 6 wontons (my fav!), mongolian beef, spicy honey shrimp and dessert. The two of us had no problem polishing off every bite of that delicious dinner. The meal included dessert so we ordered the vanilla cream wonton dessert. Boy!! If I could stick to desserts of that size, I'd be thin in no time. Two TINY little wontons--smaller even than the normal sized appetizer wontons, served with two raspberries. They were good, but seriously??  We wanted a real dessert and the restaurant was in the mall, so we stopped and got a pumpkin carmel cinnabon to share. I very rarely eat cinnabon stuff because it is a calorie and artery disaster, but that was good.

If I could just limit myself to a real cheat meal every week, I'd be fine, but I get so easily derailed by outside events. This week was the buffet with Dad, PF Changs, and tomorrow's renasannce festival. That's too much, too fast!!

Today is difficult too--I got home so late last night that I didn't fix my lunch. I'll eat at the food court here--the rationale is vaguely that it is Friday, so I'm "supposed" to eat pizza, so it's ok that I eat at the food court? yea, doesn't make sense to me either.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Buffalo chicken

Yesterday was a busy day psychologically. I'm glad it was a slow day at work so I could deal with it. I think Lisa and I made good progress straightening out the trust money. The plan was to go visiting teaching right after work, so I ran home and grabbed a snack. Sandra was sick, so I went around. Both ladies were out, so I was able to go to Michael's and get Dad's present and the ribbon i need to fix C's dress for the rennasaince festival on Saturday. I probably could/should have fixed the dress last night. I wasn't all that physically tired, but I thought I should be exhausted and so acted accordingly. Isn't that weird?  Oh well, today is another day. I'll try to call Christine, I'll feel much better if I can get through to her. Then I think I'll be emotionally free to enjoy the weekend until Dad's birthday on Sunday. But I'll do my best to be emotionally free anyway and enjoy this day. It's a much easier day than yesterday.  Whoa---stream of consciousness boring!!  Here's the menu:

Bagel, creamcheese, OJ
Snack: a few yam sticks, raw zuchinini, 1/2 sleeve nuts.
Lunch: Lean Pocket pizza, cucumber slop, 100 cal popcorn, 1 square drk. chocolate
Snack: Sm. Pretzel roll with ICB and cheese
Dinner: chicken with Franks hot sauce, 2 more pretzel rolls with ICB, olives, watermelon
Dessert: 2 choc chip cookies.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

A buffet

Ugh!!  205.  However, some of that really is muscle from kettlebells and last nights buffet. I'm feeling very fat and dumpy (SHUT UP SUE ELLEN!!!!).  It's okay. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to lose it the real way---by changing what I really can, and even though I'm unhappy with the way I look and feel right now, I think I AM making some progress that will eventually result in a healthy weight. I'll explain in a minute. And I'm going to try to be grateful for who and what I am. Sean just posted in great delight that he has reached 305 today!!  I'm truly happy for him. And it is a great reminder that there are many out there who would be thrilled to weight what I do.


Breakfast: Bagel w cream cheese, 2 strips bacon, oj, milk
Exercise: Good workout. 18 laps and 228 kettle bell swings
Snack: 1/2 sleeve nuts
Lunch: 1 slice Papa John's greek Pepperoni pizza with a pan crust, cabbage salad prbly a 1/3 c blue cheese crumbles (felt like a lot) about 7 olives, sm. pretzel roll with butter. 1 square lindt dk sea salt choc.
Snack: low-fat oatmeal raisin bar.
Dinner: Chuck-A-Rama.  UGH!! I had planned stuffed portobello mushrooms which are very healthy and I like them. But Dad called--he had to come up anyway and wanted to go to dinner. Chuck-a-rama is close (important when Dad is driving) and he likes it. I know I ate too many calories---but on the other hand, I didn't feel compelled to stuff myself silly. And I think that's the point! I ate until I was done both physically and psychologically, and to get to that point did NOT mean that I was groaning on my way out. I also didn't eat the sweet and sour chicken when it turned out not to be very good. That's a big deal--not eating something just because it's there.  Here's what I remember that I ate:
First plate: The worst thing was probably the salad. I do love real blue cheese dressing and since I don't buy it for myself at home I tend to glop it on when I get a chance. Also lots of croutons.
some cornbread
1 BBQ chicken leg
1 coconut shrimp.
Second plate--plate not filled up:
about 6 more coconut shrimp with sauce
sliver of jello salad
sweet and sour chicken (uneaten)
Dessert; German chocolate cake (ate most of it, but left the middle once the frosting ran out. A tiny bit of applecrisp.

See?  I don't think that's too bad for a buffet. But it's more than my body can handle and so I'll pay a price in pounds.

But I love that I wasn't compelled to just shovel it all in. There's hope yet!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

50 pound problem

I worked out hard today!! I'm really a true beginner workout-wise. I literally don't even know what it means to work out hard. I'm just beginning to learn. Let's see....yesterday

Breakfast: Yummy!  2 homemade crepes with a very small amount of nutella and jam, ff whipping cream and pecans, oj and milk. That held me pretty well.

Snack: 1/2 or so sleeve of nuts

Lunch: fajita meat, spinach, tomato, guac, light sourcream, homemade tortilla chips, 2 chocolates, fresca.

Snack: apple

Dinner: 3 small pretzel rolls, about 1.5 to 2 oz cheese, cup o soup, olives, 1 choc

Snack after class: hot-chocolate made with real milk and nestle's quik. ff whipping cream.

Exercise: Zero. Stress: High

I'm still loving see all of this laid out. It's helping me believe that I DO have a natural diet. I mean if I were on some weird plan, where all of this was laid out for me, it would be very difficult to follow, and I might even feel like eating a lot more. But this shows me that I actually do NOT eat an infinite amount. Even better---I might not even be that far off.  I can't wait for technology to invent some kind of calorie counter that I could wear next to my skin that would detect the raise in temperature--or whatever when I ate, so that I could get a very accurate calorie count. Was the apple 80 cal or 84 or 106?

 Looking back at yesterday--what could I, should I have changed?  Not that much I think!! Breakfast was really ok, I went easy on the pecans and the milk is 1%. Lunch---I could have done with less sourcream--but at least it was light. Also, a few less chips--but they were the homemade kind--with only 50 cal for 8 chips. The chocolates---these aren't even the fun size. They are the little bite-size kind. Still though, I ought to cut back to one. After all, my body doesn't need any.  I also should have added some more vegetables.

I'm always hearing about how small changes make a big difference, but I have a hard time believing it, because even big changes don't seem to make all that big of a difference. Example---I went from a sedentary life-style to a job where I walked and lifted boxes 8 hours a day. Zilch. However, when I went to Japan and became more sedentary---30 pounds. Food-wise, it seems as though I have to go to drastic measures to achieve anything. It's beyond frustrating!!!

 However, I did see in my kettle-bell class how small changes really do add up.  Today's work out was running laps alternating with kettle-bell swings. We were supposed to run 2,4,6,6,4,2 laps if we could, but were free to cut it back if we had to. I had to. I couldn't have finished the workout in time if I hadn't. I ran 2,3,4,4,3,2 for a total of 18 laps. The real workout had 24 laps. Six laps is a big difference. Maybe in the world of food knocking out those little things that add up really will make a difference.

Monday, September 22, 2014

At a loss

I'm at a bit of a loss today. Not physically, unfortunately. Just at loose ends. I had a wonderful weekend with Catherine and didn't bother to write down food. I'm writing down today.

I've wasted a lot of time today because I'm anxious. I finally got Ameriprise to give me access to the accounts I should have had access to all along. I Don'T have access to all the history, so I'm still not quite sure who is supposed to get how much. I have a rough idea. And I've emailed Lisa because I think some of the money is supposed to be hers. The anxiety is coming from the prospect of having to dig through a lot of stuff, or worse, having to ask Lisa to dig, to figure everything out. Also, now that I can see the money, I should be able to get Christine moved into a new home. This is scary for a lot of reasons. All I'm sure of is that the actual getting her moved will be a force 10 stress producing headache. I'm waiting on Lisa for this too because if I can get her moved either Riley will need to switch schools, or Lisa will have to make arrangements. I want to do what's best for Riley and Lisa is the best judge of that.

I hate dealing with money and I really hate dealing with emotionally loaded emails. Ugh!  Meanwhile, I don't have quite enough to do at work, which is kind of nice, but because of anxiety, I'm not using the time very productively. I just don't seem to want to prioritize. As far as non-work stuff---there are a number of things I'd like to do:

Work on the 7 furies of dev math paper (a little anxiety producing itself)
Finish the NYC trip on my blog
Also--add St. George trip once I get the pics uploaded.
Study for my class
Practice drawing.

But I think I'll take a short walk now. It does not help that today I drove to work. I've needed to burn off some stress.

Friday, September 19, 2014


I forgot to look and make improvements yesterday, so things felt out of whack. I knew I was going to have a pretzel roll for lunch, so for some reason I didn't want a bready thing for breakfast. I didn't take the time to make oatmeal or eggs--actually, I don't think eggs even occurred to me. Somehow the solution was a poptart and some graham crackers with PB2, also milk and OJ I knew at the time that this was ridiculous. but it was early and I was at a bit of a loss. At least I threw away some of the graham crackers when I realized that I didn't want them.

Snack: Finish trail mix
Lunch: Pretzel roll, 3 slices salami, 2 oz cheese, cup o soup. Peach quarter.
Snack: drk choc. 100 cal cookies--I actually didn't want the cookies, I think I ate them because I knew I loved shortbread cookies, and I couldn't mentally compute not wanting shortbread cookies. Strange thinking that!  If I love a food, shouldn't I want to eat it when I will love it the most?
Snack: a few carrots
Dinner: Another pretzel roll with a chicken burger patty, chips and dip and watermelon.
Dessert: 1/2 chocolate melting cake.

Exercise: Walk to work.

Catherine is coming home for the weekend. This means enjoy food because I can, and there will still be food after she leaves.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Where's the paper?

I started keeping track yesterday, but lost the paper. Let's see how much I can remember going backwards this time:

Dessert: 1/2 chocolate melting cake
Dinner: Large serving saucy meatballs, but with zero cal "magic" noodles, zucchini fried in a little olive oil and garlic, cabbage salad with feta and olives and a few croutons. Dinner was really filling. I think I overate.

Snack: homemade trail mix with about 12 almonds, some craisins and a bag of plain m&m's. throughout the day ate about 2/3.

Lunch: 1/2 omlette, "fried" potatoes, ketchup, 1 slice sourdough with ICB.

Breakfast: banana with choc/peanutbutter pb2 stuff, 2 slices salami, 1 slice cheese, 1  slice sourdough bread with icb. Milk.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Successful dinner!

I can't believe how much just writing things down is helping! Everyone always says that by writing things down you're inclined to eat less because you don't want to admit how much you're eating. That doesn't work for me---maybe because I know that that's what it's supposed to be doing, so I'm obstinate and rebel. Besides, it doesn't bother me to acknowledge that I've eaten three pieces of cake. But what IS helping is actually physically seeing everything I'm eating---I can SEE that I'm having plenty, and since I'm not managing calories or anything else just now, I feel safer to not have to eat everything. That's the intuitive eating approach--but without the compulsive over-thinking that I was trying when I was really trying to do intuitive eating. I'm not reflecting on my level of fullness at every bite, or worrying about whether or not I really need that snack. I'm just enjoying the learning and it's having a really good effect on me!!!

Yesterday's breakfast:
2 strips of bacon, large glass of milk (the usual size is 8 oz), lite bagel with garden veggie cream cheese.

Exercise: walk to work and a REALLY good kettlebell workout. I'm proud of that workout. She strapped us to heart rate monitors and mine was right up there with the rest of the class--also, I was able to complete every repetition of every move and keep right up with the 20-somethings in the class. Great job--me!!

Snack: raw yam sticks

Lunch: pizza pocket, about 70 goldfish (55 is a serving), a "salad" made with a whole can of black beans, 1 tomato and about 1/3 cup of feta cheese with balsamic vinegar. I ate the whole thing and was still not overfull. This made me wonder about healthy fats. I don't think I'm getting enough. That blackbean salad should have had some olive oil, but I forgot. I'm a little afraid of adding extra fat to things because I already overeat on fatty foods, but not necessarily good fatty foods.

2 mini dark chocolates.

Dinner: Fancy omelette with fried potatoes.  The omelette was two eggs and two egg whites with mushrooms, onions, red peppers, ham and cheese--that was mixed with the eggs, then inside the fold was two strips of bacon, some avocado and more cheese. In other words, not light. I aiming to copy a good restaurant omelette and I think I succeeded. Here's the exciting part--I stopped eating halfway through!!!  Dinner has always been the most difficult meal for me to handle, but I realized that the omelette was huge and that I would be perfectly fine with half and also be able to take half for lunch the next day. So I stopped and it wasn't that big of a deal.

Dessert: 2 chocolate chip cookies. Knowing that I wanted and could have the cookies helped me to stop at dinner. Is it good to stop eating good food so I can eat junk? Welllll.......yes, I think so. It's never to "save room for, " because there is ALWAYS room for cookies. What I stopped was eating hundred of more calories for dinner in addition to the cookies which I would have had anyway.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Another Hungry Day

Darn!! Hopefully, this is all hormonal or something. Because I really think that what I ate yesterday should have filled me up. What I ought to do  is to plug all this food into calorie count and see what  kinds of minerals I'm missing, but I'm daunted by the size of that task. Take a look:

cream of wheat made with milk, blueberries with splenda, sm. glass of OJ, 1/2 pretzel roll (Too much sugar? set me up for hunger?)
Snack: raw yam sticks (a recommendation from my kettlebell teacher--tastes like mild carrots--not bad)
Lunch: Leftover Italian chicken, noodles and green beans, Fresca. Reasonable serving. Should have put the pretzel roll here.
Snack immediately after lunch: 1/2 sleeve nuts
Snack: Chocolate "nugget"
Snack: apple and string cheese
Feeling:---still hungry all day!!
Dinner: cheese on sourdough bread sandwich, 7 olives, homemade applesauce. mini snickers
After class snack: stale popcorn. 1/2 chocolate melting cake and diet coke.
Still not particuarly full.
Exercise: None.

Sunday, September 14, 2014


Weekends are weird to post. Its actually much easier at work. Anyway---today, Sunday I had,

1 pancake, sugar free syrup

Fruit Snacks

Buttermilk salad with grated cucumber, 2 slices "garlic" bread leftover from friday, 2 slices salami, 1 slice cheese.

Snack: one full rectangle graham cracker. 1 plum picked from tree

Dinner:  Makeover Italian Chicken--reasonable portion, but heavy on the delicious sauce, reasonable serving of pasta, green beans fresh from Tammy's garden, homemade applesauce.

Dessert: Warm chocolate melting cake. Recipe makes 10 sm. ramekins each at 131 cal. I make 4--so it's a heavy dessert.

Exercise: Slow walk of the 5K while reading.

I don't actually regret any of this---but it would have been better if I could have done without the slice of cheese, had either less pasta (or the magic zero cal noodles--but those are expensive), less sauce (but I love that sauce!) and had 1/2 the melting cake.  There are two more ramekins of cake. Tomorrow, I will have 1/2 of one for dessert.

Good choices were to walk, I drank lots of water, esp after the walk and the plum. The challenge tomorrow is that it's my long day. No exercise and lots of boredom. I'm trying the raw sweet potatoes my instructor suggested. I'll bring those to munch on plus the 100 cal popcorn.

All laid out

Weird to see my eating all laid out like this. It shows me how hard it is to adapt to aNYONE else's eating style--even my own!! I mean, I wouldn't expect anyone else to eat exactly this. Sure, it's technically possible, but uber-annoying. The odds that anybody is going to have exatly this on hand and feel like eating exactly this on any given day is astronomically low. I've got to find a way to bring my own natural eating style into line with a healthy body. Here's yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 slices whole grain bread, with icb
sm. banana

Exercise: Walk 3 miles MS walk
Snack: about 1/3 of Mormon muffin
Lunch: BLT on 100 thin bun, with lt mayo. 2 sm slices of salami, 1 slice cheese, cucumber slop, popcorn with olive oil, mini hershey bar
Snack: grazing on popcorn, 1 mini egg
Dinner: Turkey patty with watermelon salsa, oven fries with ketchup and horseradish, sugar free punch
Dessert: milk, 2 chocolate chip cookies.

For once, dinner was all right!! Actually, most of this day was all right. One obvious place of improvement overall is to get these sweets and desserts under control. Do I want to do this? NO!  Must think of ways to manage.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Lotza Pizza

Breakfast: Jimmy Dean breakfast muffin, sm. banana, 1/2 glass milk.
Snack: 3/4 sleeve nuts
Lunch: Polenta with spaghetti, 1/2 pretzel roll, 8 or 9 olives
Snack: Snickers pumpkin (170 cal)
Snack: 1 cookie---a mistake---that snack made me hungry
Snack after walking home: about an oz of salami and 1/2 oz of cheese
Dinner: 1/2 wise guy calzone, 1 slice sourdough bread w icb and cheese, cabbage salad w feta and olives
Dessert: choc milk and 2 cookies.
Exercise: walk to work

The good the bad: As usual, breakfast is fine. I was also proud of myself for not automatically finishing off the nuts. I realized I was done with that flavor (lime and chili, my fav!). Lunch was ok and the snickers was planned.  Then things went downhill. It was a BORING day at work. I should have eaten the apple and string cheese, or the 100 cal popcorn. But I didn't want the popcorn because I knew I might make some tonight. The apple and cheese was....? I think I knew I wasn't really hungry but that I was bored, so I didn't want to eat because of that. An apple takes some eating, whereas a little cookie just sort of slides in without really "eating." Also, I think the cookie actually had fewer calories than the apple and cheese, but still, my body would have metabolized the healthy snack better. Next time I'll try and eat the apple.  The snack after walking home would have been ok, if dinner hadn't been so heavy. I think I really did need some protein, I took the long way home because I needed to stop at smiths.

Dinner was a problem. Friday pizza is the day I have most often relaxed on a diet. But I'm not on a diet. The error wasn't so much the food, as that early on in looking at it, I realized I'd probably be just fine if I only ate 1/2 of it. But salad is an awkward thing--I hate eating leftover salad, and this one was especially good. I've never left part of a calzone on my plate. Is that even a possible thing to do? What if I had eaten 3/4 and the other 1/4 wasn't enough to warrant saving? Then I would be MISSING OUT!!!!  Or so I think--or rather feel, is more accurate. What's to miss out? There is no calzone for me today. Whether I'd eaten it all, or eaten enough and thrown out, the result is the same. The only way to have calzone today is to have listened early on and saved it.  I think I didn't do that, because usually I'm "back on track" on Saturday and wouldn't normally want a calzone around to throw me off.

Such baby-ish simple things that undo me!!!!

Friday, September 12, 2014

Didn't finish it all

Yesterday--attempting to eat less white stuff

Breakfast: Banana with PB2, wheat bagel thin with ICB, milk
Exercise: walk to work--good kettlebell workout
Snack: 6 slices deli ham with fat free cream cheese
Lunch: Whole can progresso tomato soup. Brought 15 kashi crackers (very healthy), got derailed by co-worker who brought the most magnificent pretzel rolls--the crackers didn't stand a chance. Had pretzel roll about 1 to 1.5 oz cheese and 1 cookie (I had brought two but was done)
Snack: sm drk chocolate
Snack: plum and some of those crackers
Dinner: New reciepe: Polenta--never made it before, just fried it up in a little canola oil. Had spaghetti sauce on top. 1/2 pretzel roll. Cabbage salad with feta and olives.

Miracle---didn't finish all my spaghetti and polenta. This is the plus side of not counting calories. I have only a rough idea of what last night's dinner was worth calorie-wise. I could have easily finished, but I realized that I was done both physically and psychologically. So I threw away what I didn't eat. When counting, I would have been darn sure to finish the whole thing.

Dessert: two cookies. Didn't need them. Ate them out of habit---although habit is here because I really like dessert, so yes, I wanted it. Could have eaten 10 but I really don't usually do that kind of thing (4 or 5 yes, but not 10).

Note---the day was really heavy on the tomatoes, but it didn't seem to be a problem. It would have killed Dave.

Question? So was this a good day? I don't think I will lose weight. In fact, I'm afraid it caused me to put on a little weight. BUT I think the food was pretty healthy overall. I was full and content. I was mindful enough to not eat both lunch cookies and not finish dinner, and not all of the kashi crackers either. But what it it was too much and I'll gain weight? SHUT UP SUE ELLEN!  What if I do? I am happy and beautiful AND because of that was able to make some good choices. Today I am happy and beautiful too and therefore am more likely to make good choices.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Hoping for revelation


Breakfast: banana "pancakes" (1 mashed banana plus 2 eggs), glass of milk
Snack mini reeses, lots of raw veggies from the tray at work
Feeling: really hungry
Lunch: Leftover butternut squash ravioli--a normal portion, I think.
100 everything bagel with 1 laughing cow
about 8 olives
sm brownie---also leftover from last night.
Snack: 1/2 brueggers bagel with schmear---from work
sm. dark chocolate
Dinner: Large porkchop with white gravy (cooking light receipe--but didn't seem very light), mashed potatoes, corn.
Finally felt full enough, but could easily have eaten more
Dessert: 2 pumpkin cookies with brown butter frosting and sm. glass milk.
Exercise: walk to and from work, 1/2 hour gentle bike while reading
Cramping: minimal

Ok, that is a LOT of food. And it didn't do the trick. What was going on? Breakfast was healthy, but I did use sugar-free syrup on the pancakes--and maybe the chemicals there triggered some hunger? Also, there were no bread-like carbs (I guess the milk and carrots had carbs, but they don't  feel like carbs. Was that why I was so hungry at lunch? My body definitely wanted that bagel at lunch. I only meant to have a bite of the Brueggers bagel, but I caved and had half--which at least is better than a whole one.  Dinner was fine in as much that I was really hungry for it---corn and potato are starchy, but otherwise healthy. Problem was portion size. That porkchop was huge.  The cookies were pure craving--a saw the recipe weeks ago and have been wanting them ever since.

Anyway---looking back, there seems to be quite a lot of white flour food---the ravioli, both bagels, the gravy the cookies. Today, I tried a whole wheat thin bagel, and a banana with PB2 and milk. After kettlebell, I didn't "have" to eat, but I did eat some deli ham with fat free cream cheese to help my muscles rebuild. This always feels weird to me---eating because I'm actually "supposed" to--because I'm benefitting my body. Even better, there was a slight twinge of childish, "I don't wanna eat that" reaction going on. Bravo!!!!!

The "revelation" I hope will come from tracking food while I'm off the wagon is the same one I got several years ago about fast food. I learned that although I love the taste of fast-food, it does NOT fill me up. I got annoyed when I went to Arbys and had a giant roast beef, a large curly fry, a turnover, plus lots of horsey sauce and was STILL hungry. Not fair!!! If I spend that much money and eat that much food I expect to be full!!!  I felt resentful and that feeling has been a permanent benefit to me. I HOPE that as I track food, I might begin to notice patterns---if I'm eating huge amounts of food that are actually making me hungrier, as well as fatter--then that upsets me enough to want to look for other food that does what it's supposed to do.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Banana Pancakes

Last night I could feel the twinges of a cramp wanting to start, but it didn't. Hopefully, this latest bout of it is over.

I tried a pancake recipe my instructor shared. 1 mashed banana, 2 eggs. That's all. It's really not bad.

On the silencing Sue Ellen Front. I feel like my pants are tighter in the hips. Okay. am I still beautiful? Yes. Do I need to worry about this? (my heart says YES!!! time to panic!!!!). NO. I am just fine as I am--even if I go up three sizes (eeep! is that really okay?)--I am just as worthy as before. I will read the blogs I like and also search out ideas about combating perfectionism.  Odd that perfectionism could be at the root of my problem, but I suspect that it is. I think my day dreams about having a perfect bikini body are short circuiting the reality of having a nice healthy body.  Like every other imperfect endeavor of my life---art, harp, wife, mom, friend, writer etc, I can go quite far if I just do what I can each day. So I'm going to go to the kitchen now at work and do the shredding I need to do and munch on the veggies as I do.

Breakfast: banana "pancake" recipe, glass of milk.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Ugh Boredom strikes again

Ugh! Boredom, plus taking Catherine to college, plus a surprise trip to St. George to see plays has blown me way off track. Worse, I have no special desire to get back ON track. I want to work on things in a slightly different way until I feel as though I want to make a formal effort again.

1. Work on Faith in regards to losing weight. Deep deep down I don't think I really believe I will ever change, so I think I make sure that I don't. I need to take deep breaths and let myself experience the sheer joy whenever I don't want to overeat, or I do want to exercise or I feel lean or whatever. Relax! Enjoy!

2. Silence Sue Ellen.  I just read one of my favorite hilarious mystery books by a new favorite author, Laura Levine. The bad person in this book was Sue Ellen, who was unbelievably cruel to her slightly chubby 15 year old step daughter. Once Sue Ellen was murdered, the teenager was much happier and mentioned to the detective that she actually didn't feel like eating nearly as much now that Sue Ellen was gone. It's the same point that Intuitive Eating makes. Fire the food police and trust your body. Happily, my inner Sue-Ellen isn't as vicious as the book version, but I DO have a food police and I usually am not too happy with how I look and feel. Enough! I am perfectly fine exactly as I am. If I choose to work out or eat better, it is only for general improvement like any other endeavor. It is NOT because I am lacking. On the contrary---given my history, I have every reason to weigh 400 pounds. That I don't is a great success. My appearance is perfectly fine.

3. Keep a food journal for my class and also to track down what's going on with my legs.
The last year or so I've been having terrible cramps in my feet and legs, especially at night, but sometimes in the daytime too. Weirdly, the cramps are much worse whenever I try and follow an eating plan. To compound the difficulty, the cramps really do seem to go in cycles. I'll have several months where I'm not much bothered at all and then months where it's a major problem. Still, there really does seem to be a correlation between food and cramps. So for the next 21 days or so at least I'm going to track my food here.  This semester I'm taking a kettlebell class. She wants us to set a goal--so this will be mine--to track my food and at the beginning of each day see what I CAN do that day to be healthy and maybe avoid some of the pitfalls of the previous day. This officially starts Thursday, but what the heck. It won't hurt to do it now.

Breakfast: thin bagel with garden veggie cream cheese, blueberries with 1 cup milk and splenda 2 strips bacon.
Lunch: chicken breast with franks hot sauce, blue cheese crumbles (1/3 cup), peas, large homemade rosemary roll.
Dessert: Two chocolates. Later, a roll of smarties.
Morning Stress level-through the roof---worried that I'd lost more than $50,000.  Ninety minute conversation with financial advisors. Found money and more---also got next installment for Christine. Still hugely annoyed at the length of time this is all taking. But feeling weak with relief that the money is there.
Exercise: Could not walk to work. Lamish effort in kettlebell---I couldn't do the movement very well, and I think I was overly cautious not to hurt my knees.
Snack--a couple of carrots and peas from work veggie tray
Exercise: Mowed lawn
Dinner--Zuccas--to celebrate that I haven't lost the money after all. Salad, too much bread and oil, cheese, meat and nuts from platter, small amount. Butternut squash  ravioli. Realized that I wasn't hungry any more and only ate about 1 1/2 ravioli's so I could have them for lunch today.
Dessert--small glass milk and brownie. Didn't finish brownie. Brought it to work.
What I realistically could have done better--I really didn't want all of that huge lunch roll. I ate it out of boredom and habit.