Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

A little better

A feel a little better today, a little less tempted to throw everything away. Hollie wrote a beautiful message about what a day might look like if she were on track. It's a wonderful way to think of things. Today is 1600 and I've been pretty happy. A poptart for breakfast. A pizza pocket for lunch plus some other things that actually had some nutritional value. My big presentation is tomorrow, but I think I'll eat a controlled breakfast at home. I have visiting teaching, but I think I'll try and get some time in on the bike. Again, I strolled very slowly for 1/2 hour practicing. Lame, but it counts for 1/2 hour. I want to earn some for a good pizza dinner friday.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


50 years and I'm STILL looking for loopholes. Since Jackson Hole, I really haven't been making much of an effort. I think I'm feeling that so many "legitmate" exceptions keep me from losing weight, it's really hard to even try at all. I've been phoning it in and not even that very well. Saturday was vegetarian, yes, I did that, but didn't make much effort to control anything. Sunday was supposed to be 1600--but I was too lazy to count and yesterday was memorial day with a barbecue.

I feel stuck between a rock and a  hard place. If I really want to lose weight, I need to quit letting "exceptions" be more important than staying on track. For example, this week I have another local conference on Thursday and Friday. That means lunch and maybe snacks. I CAN make these "not counting but in control" days, if I REALLY mean it. Memorial Day COULD have been a counted day and I could have excercised extra to make up for the apple crisp I wanted. I want a big helping of pizza this Friday with cookies--and I'm lucky enough that I CAN have it.

What's the PROBLEM???? Fear for starters. I'm tired of trying with no results. I don't want to lose a little weight only to turn around and put it back on. BUT---losing a lot of weight starts with losing a little weight first. I can't change my habits without actually changing my habits. I need to stop worrying about failure--I'm still alive. I haven't failed yet. Even if I fail somewhat each and every day isn't it still worth the fight?  I think so.

Today is tomato day. I walked around for about an hour. The "walk" was really a very slow stroll as I practiced my presentation, but it's still worth 100 cal and I'm going to write that 100 cal down. I'm doing well. I'm glad tomorrow is not flavor point. I'm still feeling annoyed and discouraged, but I'm not quitting yet.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Jackson Hole

My plan to just follow my skinny co-workers didn't work as well as I'd hoped. They were all in vacation mode. One thing that I notice a lot in naturally skinny people, is that they all think that they eat a lot and occasionally they really do. Because they all thought they would eat a lot, they all brought snacks for the 4.5 hour drive--and not just little snacks. Huge bags of trail mix was the preferred choice. But the skinniest one also bought a big bag of Doritos at a rest stop. Then they all ate what they wanted, and because they had plenty more they were fine. This is intuitive eating at its finest.

But there are other differences. They all seemed to think they had really overdone it, when I think we pretty much ate normally. The first day---we had snacks in the car (very light), lunch at a Mexican restaurant (The Merry Piglets--super cute place)--this was a fairly large but not crazy huge meal. This lunch was late, and none of us really wanted or needed a proper dinner--including me. So we just went to the conference reception where they had fruit and cheese. After that we walked back down into the town and had ice-cream (just single scoops) at Moos. To my mind, I can see this isn't a day where I'm going to lose weight--everything was much too high calorie, but it wasn't a particuarly heavy eating day. There are definitely differences in out thinking.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Rock climbing

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I loved this meme from Hollie.  I struggle with forgiving myself. I can't quite believe that I'm really ok with God, even though He manifests that he loves me all the time, esp. in the temple that time when the message I got was that He wanted me to be free.  So what is everything that I am? Can't say everything because nobody can ever be fully defined. But I am a person who genuinely wants what is right. I don't enjoy hurting people. I want peace. I love beauty. I want to learn and do everything in the world. I've been hurt--and I think I should be long ago recovered and that I should have acted much differently than I did and than I do now. But I am trying to face the things that scare me and do the right thing. I long for the Savior to come again. I will honestly try to do an be anything just to have his approval.

You know what? That sounds like I'm a good person. And I guess I really am. I'm just not a perfect one, or more maddening, the one I imagine that I ought to be. But who says my imagination is right? Only God knows what was really possible given the circumstances of my life. I certainly don't and it's not necessary to judge myself. It's only necessary to do what God would want me to do at this moment in my life.

OKAY--onto rock climbing. I have learned something. Fat people do not rock climb. I got to try it at a conference in Wyoming. Oh my! It's super hard. I could climb a very little on the baby wall, and I learned to belay which was cool, but on the big walls, I couldn't do it at all. I just don't have the strength, but I'd love to try again. I don't think it's possible to be overweight and rock climb too. The back of my arms are aching today. A little rock climbing will certainly help old lady flappy arms. I'm pleased that I tried, and I'm pleased that I could at least do the baby wall---I really wish the uber simple wall was taller. I'm going to take a closer look at the Weber State rock climbing wall and I'm going to try little walls when I see them at playgrounds and such.

It's memorial day weekend and I plan to have a very happy one.

Monday, May 19, 2014


Sometimes, a person really just needs to sit down and cry--except that I'm at work so I can't. Dad, of course, did not follow up on his necessary IRS paperwork and now the IRS has put a lien on him for $125,000. None of us has anything like that kind of money. I don't know what all exactly that will mean for Dad---hopefully, they'll allow him to keep enough of his social security and retirement that he can still live at his place. What will happen when he becomes seriously ill I don't know. Can a person be taken on as a charity case when he isn't square with the government? I do NOT want to deal with this. Really, there isn't much I can do. It doesn't help that aol is down and I can't access responses, or see if the financial advisor is looking at emails. All I want is for Dad to live in a reasonable environment (done), and that if he gets seriously ill, that we'll be able to take care of him without having to deal with a horrible financial mess (no chance of that it seems).  Christine, is if anything, even more difficult. It's not fair that people live in ways that cause everyone around them such anxiety. I'm glad Mom died when she did. She dealt with enough grief to cover 20 people at least. I'm glad she was released. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning---after all, this really isn't my problem. If worst comes to worst (and it usually does in my family), I'll simply call a family council with Dad's brothers and sisters as well as the three of us and we'll take it from there.

But I hate what this kind of thing does to me. In the face of such problems, the last thing I care about is how many calories are in anything. I'm leaving for a short conference tomorrow. I'd LIKE to be emotionally present for Dave and Catherine tonight. Not to mention that I'd LIKE to enjoy the conference. I can't really talk to Dave--he knows about this, but he's just angry with Dad and Christine, and that isn't helpful. On the plus side, if I ever get to heaven it will be because I've dealt with this problem in a kind and Christlike way. I don't feel Christlike. If I had the power to send lightning bolts and incinerate them both just now I'd do it without hesitation. Possibly Riley as well--poor kid, he's had such a lousy start--let him die too and be saved and happy in heaven and let Lisa finally have the freedom and happiness she deserves.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Bread and cheese

BEST food in the world is bread and cheese. I managed to live through yesterdays flavor point day. Today is 1800 cal plus I have extra calories saved. I had Catherine make some more pretzel bread and for breakfast I had 2 rolls with cheese---2 ounces is really quite a lot of cheese. Plus a bowl of blueberries and milk. Perfect. Tasting anyway.

Tonight Catherine has to work which is unfortunate, because I'm making a fodmap free pizza. To see if it will help her gastro problems at all. The fodmap diet is crazy restrictive. Especially hard is no onions or garlic. EVERYTHING I cook has onions and garlic. I'm hoping she's not so sensitive that even a little will bother her. I'm hoping that by moving in the right direction she'll start feeling better, even if things aren't perfect. fodmap is NOT low-cal. For example, she can't eat soft cheeses like mozzarella, but she can eat cheddar. I'll make her half cheddar and mine mozzarella. It will be good for me to practice fodmap for her because it will help me learn--daily--that food is there to energize us and make us feel good. I admire Holly (from 300poundsdown) and others who really have no choice but to severely limit what they can eat. Given the amount of whining I do for just cutting back a little, I'd hate to think what my psyche would do  if I were given a blanket restriction against bread or sugar or milk or something like that. I like to think that heaven contains a big banquet of everything for these people.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing for next week's challenge. I have a conference in Jackson Hole. That means conference buffets, and at least one really good Mexican restaurant. The good news is that I'm attending with normal weight people. I'm going to do what I did on my mission and simply copy what they eat. That should ensure that I don't go completely crazy. Maybe.

Thursday, May 15, 2014


Wow, this blog is boring. It helps me though, even through times like this when the writing and the effort are on auto-pilot.  Yesterday went quite well! Both the burritos and the coffee cake were good, but they weren't that good, so I didn't have much trouble being reasonable. I made cube steak and mashed potatoes for dinner--and I measured out the meat and potatoes. So, pretty good for me!

Today has one of the most difficult challenges of all. I'm a little tired, a little bored, a little stressed, and feeling blah about today's Flavor Point stuff. This is when I most want to eat. I like the act of eating. Whether or not I'm hungry is irrelevant. But I'll be ok. I've already taken off what the Disney vacation put on. But I'm tired of spinning my wheels at this weight. I'm glad I do---things could quickly become much much worse. But things could be considerable better too!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Easing into normal

I think I'm almost back to normal. My appetite is almost back and food is resuming it's loud clarion call, but I'm still all right. Flavor Point yesterday--a relatively yummy one. And 1500 cal today. I think I'm beginning to become accustomed to smaller portions. That's really the big battle for me. It would be easier today if I weren't determined to eat the 300 calorie brownie. 300 cal is a guess, but I think it's a fair one. Tomorrow's challenge is breakfast burritos and coffee cake at work. I think I'll look up a coffee cake in Betty Crocker and just judge tomorrow's cake accordingly. It's 1800 cal plus I have another 100 to blow. The burritos should be ok. I'm blessed indeed to have so much abundance around me!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Still off

A reasonable weekend. Dave wanted to go out for breakfast on Saturday. I ordered the light breakfast with one egg, one pancake and 2 slices of bacon. The pancake was ginourmous with a big blob of butter in the middle. I took off most of the butter, and only ate part of it. The bacon was big too. I did eat all of that. :)  I'm not pro meal skipping, but I really wasn't hungry for lunch so I didn't eat lunch. Had a nice dinner of turkey burgers with oven fries, also 2 cookies and milk--oops. I was supposed to be counting on Saturday--that didn't happen, but I really feel as if I ate normally. Yesterday was Mother's Day. So-so there. Normal breakfast, reasonable lunch, but a chocolate during church and a cookie with lunch. Fajitas for dinner--also fine, Catherine's brownies for dessert---NOT FINE. WOW were they good. She put giradelli chocolate squares in the middle, and dished up a huge portion, all I could think was that the chocolate squares alone were probably 400 cal. I didn't eat all of it, but certainly ate way too much.

Weirdly, I'm still not normally hungry. Usually, after eating myself silly, it takes one or two days of diet eating to "empty" my system. That hasn't happened and I had 5 straight days of light eating. Today is flavor point and I'm not having any problem with it at all. In fact, I haven't even finished the second breakfast muffin. Weird. I'm not sick, and I feel as though I should eat, so I'll eat what I'm supposed to.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Getting old

Okay, now I'm just getting old. It's Friday, and I'm not hungry yet. That doesn't mean I haven't been eating--heaven forbid! It only means that 1500 cal or flavor point hasn't been difficult for a change. I've had four perfect days. Today is another work potluck, but it's been mostly sweet stuff. I've had too much, but not nearly as much as I would usually want. Love it!!!  I wish things could stay like this forever. I feel bloated and fat, but clothes are fitting so it's all good.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

And Stiiiiiilllll Full

Wow--I wonder if this is what skinny people feel like all the time? I'm not sick, but I'm not hungry. Food smells and tastes good, but I'm not caring that much about it.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Still full

Wow. Either I'm getting old, or I overdid it more than I thought I did. We got home late Sunday night--it's Wednesday and I'm STILL not hungry and not quite digesting normally. I ate nothing on Monday until dinnertime (amazing that I still had to really think out that I didn't want lunch even though I actually had a stomach ache!), yesterday was NO problem with 1500 cal--I ate because I thought I should have a little something, rather than because I was hungry. Today is Spinach Day---again, still not hungry, but not feeling sick, so I'm eating for energy and because I like the act of eating. But, wow! three days later and still not digesting? I will try to do a little better in NYC--overeating is one thing, but I have no wish to eat so much that I'm immediately sick.

Exercise is back on. I took Sunday (driving home) and Monday off to recover from the trip. Yesterday was kind of funny, I didn't do all that much unusual, but I ran out of steam at 9:25--just like an energizer bunny with dead batteries. It was a full evening---I walked to and from work, mowed the lawn, visited a friend, fixed dinner, ate dinner, went downstairs to practice harp and ride the bike for 1/2 hour so I could have a slice of bread with lunch today. That's how I know I ran out of steam--I had 5 min left on the bike. I did finish, then fixed today's food, showered and collapsed.

Today is a rainy day, so the evening won't be so busy. I'll still walk to and from work, and I did some walking for wellness despite the rain. Walking is slow because I'm still stiff and sore, but I'm hoping that by immediately getting back on track that the Disneyland damage won't be too severe.

Monday, May 5, 2014


Back from Disneyland. I just love that place. But it underscores the idea that I have no self-control whatever. It's worse now that we have a little bit of money--we think we can and should eat everything--and I did. Why am I so suggestible. Yesterday was classic--still overstuffed when I woke up, but we went to I-HOP--ate fully loaded breakfast. We drove and drove all day--none of us wanted lunch, and I still wasn't really ready to eat at 5 when Dave pulled over for cheap Prime Rib at a Nevada buffet. Super-dangerous to eat when I'm not hungry--because then there is nothing that signals that I'm full!  Ate PLENTY. On the bright side, we walked and walked and walked and walked for MILES on this vacation.

I know part of this behavior is pure "vacation" eating--thinking that this is a special time and that I'm entitled. Also, part of this is "last supper" eating--I know I'm coming home to go back on plan so I'd better eat it all now. What I don't know is how to disconnect those feelings. I'm having a late lunch today and there will be no problem at 1500 cal today. Tomorrow might be another matter. How can I feel secure that food will always be there and still give myself a few boundaries? I think I just need to press on---I can "earn" food, I can have Sunday dinners, there's another vacation in July.

This is a very disjointed entry--I'm exhausted. We got in after midnight and I'm at work. But I wanted to give a shout out to calorie-count. YAY!! Excellent entry on how fear can collapse weight loss in many different ways. I like the suggestion to acknowledge the fear and then make a good choice. I plan to do this with helping Christine move this summer. Every time I start to worry--I'm going to respond with a positive statement for myself.

Utilities--Hello fear---I can call the companies and work this out.
Money in general--hello fear--I will call Ameriprise and give this problem to Christine where it belongs.
Riley--Hello fear--I am putting Riley within easier reach of Lisa--his situation will not get worse unless she's evicted.
Eviction--hello fear--this is Christine's problem and Riley's decision.
Lisa--Hello fear--it's ok if Lisa is mad at me for any reason
Packing house--Hello fear--this chore will be unpleasant, but it will be a big relief when it's done.
Anger--hello fear--I'm uncomfortable with anger, but it's ok to be uncomfortable.
Faith--hello fear--It's not for me to judge my lack of faith, but to trust in God as best I can and trust him to help me grow.

Weight-loss--hello fear--It doesn't matter if I fail, every effort makes me stronger. My efforts have already resulted in my not being all that fat!!