Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Monday, October 31, 2011

210 Halloween

Thank goodness again for this blog. It helps even when I'm half-hearted about it. The marathon soreness is just beginning to wear off. I'm determined to do more--I can see why these things are addicting. The sense of accomplishment is terrific. Food-wise, I've been off track--the most off track I've been yet in this journey.  But even that is good---I've been coming face to face with restaraunts lately and and find that not only do I come away defeated, but I don't even wish to fight!

But this I can work with and on. Thanks to the marathon I am still at 189 despite Olive Garden and Lisa's Halloween party. Okay. What am I so afraid of missing out on? Do I really think I'll never visit the Olive Garden again? Or can never buy another treat?  When Dave goes to Boston before Thanksgiving, I am planning to go to the Cheesecake factory in SLC, because I'll be alone (therefore 1 meal is comparatively cheap), and because I didn't get to enjoy it very much in Denver. I want to order the buffalo bites again.  This is good to think about--I went to the Cheesecake factory in Houston once and that was all for over 10 years. Restaurants close, or I move--there is no Old Chicago in Ogden.  So there is a strong element of rarity--better enjoy it now because I can never get it again, an element of celebration, and also an element of diet-free relief---"I'm not going to worry about ww tonight---I can have what I want!" All of these feelings are powerful.

One thing that might help is exercising heavily in the morning--I'm not actually prepared to do this yet, but on Saturday, we went to Goodwood BBQ--and I didn't even care. I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't very hungry at Lisa's party either.  I don't think I need to run 10 miles every morning, but I bet if I did I wouldn't want to eat as much as I do now. So,  you'd think I made good decisions Saturday? NO. I ate less than I might have, but still way too much very high carb/calorie stuff. Why? Because psychologically I could. Saturday might have been a day when I could have used intuitive eating principles to my advantage and not eaten much because I didn't want much.  I'd love to drop ww and go to intuitive eating all the way, but I know I'm not ready. It's still too hard to stop eating when the food is too good or the occasion demands it.

OK--today is Halloween---I'm exusing myself from exercise because honestly, just getting out of the chair is a major effort.  We had a potluck at work and I thoroughly enjoyed the crakers and cheeseballs--my weakness, but I also ate a lot of veggies. I'm not planning on a huge pigout tonight. I'll have one or two reeses peanutbutter pumpkins (have already had a small one here) and call it good.  Tomorrow I'll go back to counting properly and still keep working working working on this problem. I'm still ok--but I won't remain ok unless I take a firm grip on myself IMMEDIATLEY!!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

209 Another Half!

Provo Halloween Half Marathon is run and done!! My knees did just great!!! I'll be writing a thank you cards to the therapists at Ogden Clinic. Catherine did simply terrific finishing in about 3:20--she says she "wogged" it. Half run half jog. My friend Jane and I definitely walked although we did jog little bits here and there. We finished at about 3:50. This marathon has a steep down hill the first 5 miles--people have lost toenails over it--my toenails are fine, but the insides between my toes are a massive pile of blisters.  Both me and Catherine are walking like zombies today, but we are proud zombies.

Friday, October 28, 2011

208 meh

Wow, I'm really in a slump. Not a going bananas kind of slump, but a --I'm going to eat out this weekend so it's hard to even care kind of slump. To compound the blah feeling I was watching the "Eat this, Not That" segment on the Today show.  Sheesh. Again, no wonder I have a weight problem. They showed this tiny little pan pizza, it had about 2500 cal-and enough fat and salt to equal 64 pieces of bacon. A modest serving of buffalo wings from Outback was almost equally deadly. It makes me feel as though I can't go to a restaraunt and eat anything I might want--I'm forever supposed to ask for broiled chicken and steamed veggies. Of course that's not true, but it feels true. And I feel as though I'm between a rock and a hard place--I WANT to go to Olive Garden--I don't particuarly want to ingest 3,000 calories of fat, but neither do I want to skip the breadsticks or skip what I want.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

206 regaining control

Trunk or treat not bad. I could have done without the second muffin, but otherwise I was moderate and there wasn't much candy to get a hold of.  I feel better today because I was back down 2 pounds--hooray for exercise. I'm still kind of in an irritated non-tracking mood, but luckily, I've been plugging away at this long enough that I my auto-pilot mode is not too far off track.  Let's see---for breakfast I had a bowl of kashi cereal and milk (8 pts), for lunch a taco salad with about 3 pts of meat, 3 of cheese and a 3 pt plain bun. snacking a bit out of control--a 3 pt ww popcorn, a piece of chocolate, a sixlet candy, and a 2 pt mini snickers bar. Now I'm eating my planned snack--of 1/2 cup fiber cereal and a banana.  For dinner i made a ravioli with pumpkin alfredo out of the cooking light magazine. Didn't figure out the points, but Ihave a rough idea of what the ravioli is worth and I won't pig out. The two pounds helps me feel as though it's worth making the effort. I'll track better tomorrow and friday during the day. I just wish I could eat at Olive Garden without consequences darn it!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

205 the ebb and flow

Maybe one of the real secrets of losing weight is simply not quitting altogether when one is feeling unmotivated.  Right now I'm unmotivated--I need to remember that it's natural, nobody is going to be 100% motivated all the time the motivation will come back--all I need to do is to not throw away the good things I've done, and when I feel fired up again, down I'll go! Well, hopefully, I'll go down before that. Part of the problem is my statistics class---it's hard and I'm tired of it. But my goodness! It will be over in just over a month--that's not long at all!! and the horrible lab will go away too!! But still, the class is blotting the sun on my horizon and it feels eternal even though the end is in sight.  Losing weight is a problem because the end is NOT in sight. Never has been. But that's ok--it's a lifestyle I'm working on.  And I haven't been horrible, just tired and sloppy. Yesterday was sloppy, because I went visiting teaching and Bro. Hawkins served up some chili.  I hadn't planned on chili for dinner, but it was good and I was thinking of having popcorn when I got home. I did. And some deli meat and cheese and olives too. Nothing horribly high point, but still a little out of control. Tonight is more chili---the ward trunk or treat. Luckily things like doughnuts and cupcakes don't tempt me too much. Reeses cups and almond joy bars are another story, but even if I get a hold of that it will only be a fun size.

Monday, October 24, 2011

204 take it back

Okay, I take it back. 191 AGAIN. And I am a little discouraged. The very real part of me that wants to quit is SHREIKING "You haven't made any progress since JUNE!!!!".  Which is sort of true. I'm trying to remember what's also true---ahem---I've spent far more time down in the 180's than 190's in the last month. I can exercise again. Some things are becoming a little easier.  And so what if I have been sitting at 191 for months? Is that the worst thing? (YES!) No!!!!  I worked hard to get there--it's still a spectacuarly low weight for me--best in 20 years! And I've been maintaining it. OK. Deep breath. Keep fighting. This battle will take some time. It might take two or three years and that's ok because I'm changing my spirit along with my body.  I don't seem to be willing yet to compromise much with restaraunt food. I want what I want what I want.  This weekend I have the 1/2 marathon--which also means dining out the night before and right afer--then there is Lisa's Halloween party--I think I can be reasonable at the party. If nothing else I might not be willing to move from my chair to the table to get seconds. But I AM willing to fight between restaraunts. Maybe if I accept that I really love restaraunts.  I can begin to loosen my strangle hold grip on restaraunts---we do eat out a whole lot less than we used to thanks to the economy, but I really need to deal with going out and how to make better choices without feeling deprived.

Ummmmmmmm------coming up blank. I want to go to Olive Garden on Friday. I want the steak and gorgonzola, lots of breadsticks, salad and probably dessert. First off, this is perfectly ok to have. It's only not ok if I eat a massive lunch the next day and pig out at Lisa's party too.  I don't know what I'll feel like after the marathon or where we'll go--but I think I can maybe make ok choices if I feel good about Olive Garden first--I'll probably want protein and that's good. Plus, there's a good chance I might not be that hungry. Extreme exercise kills my appetite. There are such things as take out containers. I'll have Catherine remind me of that.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

203 Hike the Y!

Back after a fun weekend at BYU with Catherine. It is such an amazing place. So much about it is world class, it's just exciting to be there and wonderful that Catherine is there now too.  I met with the therapist on Friday morning and he sent me home with a big wrap around brace--I don't know what I expected the brace to look like, but I was expecting something more important looking. Doesn't matter---that brace worked!! I could feel that it was holding my knee where it was supposed to be--so I could walk and climb stairs and do everything without worrying!  It made all the difference!!!!  I walked all over on Friday and on Saturday I hiked the Y--about 2.5 miles round trip but really steep.  I was worried about the downhill part but I did just fine!! Today I'm taking it easy, but tomorrow I will put the brace on and walk to work. YAY!!  Food-wise....JDawgs and Awful waffle were great.  It's somehow fitting that one of the places where I used to live now serves waffles were one can order a half a stick of butter as a side!!  YIKES!  I passed on the extra butter, figuring the nutella was sin enough.  The luau was a big let down food wise. Mediocre carbs carbs and more carbs.  I've got to learn to quit eating mediocre food--it's one thing to ingest a bunch of calories because something is wonderful and I'm truly enjoying it. It's another thing altogether to eat a bunch and not even get any pleasure out of it.  I should have simply had the chocolate cake and been done with it.  I was afraid to get on the scale today--I'm sure the exercise didn't compensate for the food, but I will tomorrow and not lose heart. The marathon is back on track and so am I. It's easy to slip back into good habits. Almost a relief.  A pancake for breakfast, a wrap for lunch, and a potroast for dinner and fresh baked cinnamon pull a-parts for dessert.  I still miss big chunks of cheese, but by and large I can live like this.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

200 Getting bored

Day 200 already---two hundred days---20 pounds. (Down 40 from the all time high) Wow that's slow--but as long as I maintain that pace...300 days 30 pounds, 400...40 pounds. Thats quite a lot lost over the course of a year!  I still hope and wish for a faster pace, but I think that's exactly why I've never been able to lose before. The pace--even though the books said it was moderate (a pound a week or whatever) was just too much for me. I couldn't endure the lifestyle--and since I couldn't learn to accept the new lifestyle quickly enough to stay on the diet and lose weight, I never lost more than 10 pounds before I ran screaming back to butter and cheese.  This time is the first time that I've ever realized that I had a CHOICE. I can, in theory, stick to ww perfectly and lose a bunch quickly, or I can do what I'm doing--stick as well as I can with plenty of room for detours. Tomorrow I'm having a J-dawg and an "awful waffle" for lunch and a luau for dinner. Obviously this will slow me down, but for the first time that's OK. I don't want to live a life where I feel like I have to eat 3 oz of pork at a luau and bring my own dressing and skip the famous J-dawg.  I would literally rather be fat. It's exilirating to know that I can make progress and still have what I consider to be a goodly amount of Halloween candy--not what ww thinks is a good amount of candy.

Personal choice is the message I would love to give to everyone who struggles with weight. It's so easy to think that you don't know anything. After all, if I knew something then I wouldn't have the problem right? But that's not true. Only I can possibly know what foods are exciting and satisfying to me. Only I can figure out how to build a lifestyle that works for me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

199 better

Ugh--I guess I really am officially up two pounds what a drag. Maybe I needed this though just to prove to myself that exercise is worthwhile. I mean, my head knows it's worthwhile, but overall it doesn't seem to make the slightest difference. I guess it DOES make a difference. I've been non-exercising for almost THREE weeks--this is horrible right before a half marathon. And I'm thinking too of the thousands of calories I would have burned, and the muscle mass I'm losing. Boy, what about people who are down and out for months at a time? It's a testiment to the body's resilience and willingness to bounce back.  I plan to bounce--though gently---the knee is better today, but I'm not going to do more than walk around the duck pond at MOST. 

I'm wondering too if my body is working with me a little bit. I've been regretting that my appetite hasn't decreased along with the exercise. But maybe it HAS! Generally I find it plenty difficult to survive on ww 36 points (that's using all my weekly allowance divided up).  I figured this week, I'd better cut back to the bare bones 29, especially since I have an off-track high weekend coming up. And you know what? It hasn't been any more awful at 29 (ok, it's usually 31) than it was on 36. Maybe my appetite really has reduced at least a little. Whatever the reason, I am grateful.

I shouldn't be so surprised everytime my body works for me and with me. After all, I've abused it badly for over 40 years--the fact that it works at all is a wonder. I still can't figure out why I don't weigh 400 pounds--my heart goes out to the people who do, because I read of their habits and they're not all that much different from my own! (Gives me hope in the other direction--maybe life at 155 won't be all that much different--people at that weight eat pizza too!)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

198 Waffles

News flash to weight watchers--telling somebody to go pick up some frozen something does NOT constitute a recipe for that something. Sheesh. I was trying to find a low fat waffle recipe--I think 5 of the six recipes told me to go buy a frozen waffle. The "recipe" was putting different toppings on it.  I found an ok recipe elsewhere--not much to be done about waffles apparently, they are just high point. Bummer.  I continue to do well despite the lack of exercise.  Dead on track yesterday and I will be today too.  My knee is hurting, but the therapist is promising a brace that will allow me to hike to the Y on Sat and still do the marathon!  I hope so! I'll be so disappointed if I can't do the 1/2 marathon.  I'm feeling a bit more patient with myself though. The goal is 179 by Dec 16th--the day we leave for Hawaii.  I can do that--especially once I can start exercising again and the thought of that number makes me feel excited.  I think there is a magic "secret" to weight loss. The secret is PATIENCE.  Not something I'm good at--and not something Americans are famous for. No wonder we have an obesity epidemic!

Monday, October 17, 2011

197 Not acting out

  I've decided to be proud of myself. I'm annoyed and discouraged about my weight, but I am NOT acting out about it. This is new behavior. In the past I've accepted bad news on the scale as "evidence" that my efforts weren't working so why not eat a cheeseburger and be happy? This time around I've been successful long enough and worked hard enough that I don't want to throw it all away over any emotional upset--no matter how "rational" it appears to me. I was careful Sat and yesterday and will be today as well--I'm back in the 180's this morning---barely, but back. It's silly, but it does make a difference in how I feel about myself.  I was thinking about Jennifer here at work--she's been having great success with the core foods plan, and has been on it for weeks. I like that plan too on occasion--it's nice to take a break from counting points. But I was thinking about whether I might want to try it for weeks on end too (always dreaming of miraculous losses of course) and the answer is that NO---I really don't want to do that or any other rigid plan for any length of time. Frustrated as I am and slow as this is, I continue to insist that any success I have be sustainable in the lifestyle that I WANT to have. And that's a slow evolution. Apparently my life contains a whole lot more events such as Friday's luau, holidays, work potlucks, celebrations, movies, eating out, etc. etc. etc. etc.etc, than I had ever realized. As of now, I still find it very difficult to want to manage these events responsibly--who wants to be moderate at a luau?? And the problem isn't just the luau---it's the going out for lunch before and the meals all day Saturday that are the problem.  The core plan is clearly impossible this weekend and the points plan is not very practical with my mind set either.  What to do? As always, do the best I can make the best choices I can without feeling massively resentful or deprived, and trust that eventually the cumulative effect of practicing ww whenever I can will change my mind and my body chemistry so that someday I will only want foods that don't harm me.

One encouraging thing is that this has already happened to some extent--I read that book about the 80 diets around the world--and some of those high calorie people--Blech. White breads, fast foods, and sugar. It honestly sounds awful.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

196 Ouch

Oh crud. I must have overdone the knee with the 5K yesterday. It felt just a little achy today, so I just took a gentle walk with Dave on a local trail (getting a traffic ticket on the way to the trail).  It felt really good on the trail--it went uphill and I was getting to the point where I couldn't tell the difference between uphill and down.
Walked the block to church and back---still ok.  Walked to a members house----NOT ok.  It's not back out, but I could feel my knee moving everywhere.  I walked very slowly. Now I'm icing and taking ibu and grumbling.

I was very good about points today. I guess I really do want to break into the 170's before Hawaii, and it's simply not going to happen without work.  Honestly, today I'm not suffering much. I'm going to try to keep it to 30 pts a day since I still have all these darn exceptions coming up on an almost daily basis---coming up Friday, an all you can eat luau.  Anyway, I had a pancake and milk for breakfast, a deli meat wrap (4 pts) for lunch with 6 olives and 3 pts of cheeto puffs and a little raw cauliflower. And a decent slice of meatloaf, 1 cup of mashed potatoes, mixed veggies, and a big bowl of pudding for dinner. Still, I'm irked. I realize the scale is not that great of a measure, but considering that I've been lax, it probably IS a good measure this time, and like I said, I hate it when I get what I deserve---as opposed to what I want!  And yes, I AM still throwing a tantrum.

This experience sums up well what I feel like today---I made homemade hard rolls--these are 3 pts a piece and are nicknamed "baseballs" by the family.  Yeah, well today they turned out the size of ping-pong balls. Fitting.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

195 a 5K

Not counting today---I guess I'm still having a semi-tantrum about gaining weight. But I'm not going bananas---quite the opposite in fact.  It's just that I overslept and had to go clean the church. After that I wanted to see if my knee could tolerate a 5K walk.  YES!! But by the time I got back it was lunch time--I had a BLT, some olives, popchips (30 for 2 pts) and just a few cheese curds.  Now I'm taking a break from stats homework--I made myself some popcorn with olive oil (actually prefer it now to butter), and a little chocolate milk. Dinner will be tacos, I think I'll still be very much within points.  In the meantime there are a few thoughts simmering below the surface---simple thoughts---thoughts that everyone else seems to accept and take for granted. The idea that to lose weight I need to maintain a calorie deficit--the human body doesn't like deficits--if I'm in a deficit mode of course I'll feel unsatisfied sometimes---probably a lot of the time.  And here's the thought--it's ok.   I don't know if it's really ok in the face of a good brownie, but I'm beginning to want to regroup, make a real effort and see if I can't break 180 before Hawaii.  Do I really want to do this?

Friday, October 14, 2011

194 Another hmph

Weigh Day--190. What the heck?! I even went out of my way to eat early last night thank you very much. I just hate it when the scale goes up. It scares me. In this case--my exercise is way down thanks to my knee, and I haven't reduced my food intake so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  But still...I just can't help thinking about all the things I didn't eat that I would very much like to have eaten and I think I should be rewarded for all things I pass up!! 

In truth though, I've been coasting for a long time and I know it. The thing is that I'm not quite sure what I want to do about it. With all my heart I do NOT want to be eating even less or more restrictively--certainly not for the long haul.  I'm afraid of starting something I can't keep up--and how discouraging     would it be if I actually hit goal weight only to gain it all back? So I'm feeling stuck today. Unwilling to make more food changes--but afraid that if I don't I'll be sitting at this weight for the rest of my life.  I don't want to get to 155 and find out that maintaining that weight means living a lifestyle that I find horrible.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

193 open door

Long day---class in the morning, and I'm teaching the first year experience class tonight--I won't be done till 8:30. I planned out the day tho. I've eaten an early dinner, which I like doing even less than eating a late one, but my body will no doubt appreciate it. The most important thing though by far is that I've opened the door of communication with my sister Lisa. She is a wonderful person, but I've avoided talking about anything deep for YEARS because of guilt over the many things I've left undone and also fear both of her reactions and all the awful things I would hear about my family. True or not these revelations always kill me to hear. Still, she's worth the effort and it's more than high time that I faced my past and tried doing something about the present rather than just worry pointlessly about it.  Sure enough, both of us have vast amounts of pent up emotions that want to come rushing out. We've only been emailing meaningful things for about 3 days and we're both already on information and emotional overload. But it's been a good thing.  A VERY good thing. And I believe it will be a healing and wonderful thing for both of us.  It's like lancing a boil--all sorts of gross things come out and then there can be healing.  The reason I mention it here is that I'll bet that wading through some of these emotional burdens has got to result in some weight loss. That's not why I reached out of course, but I've long known that being overweight was much more about emotion than it ever was about food.  I hope both of us will soon be free-er and happier than we've been before.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

192 on a whim

Well! Last night's dinner plans went straight out the window. I was lonely for Catherine all day and she wasn't texting either. It was a beautiful fall day, the car just had a tune-up, I wasn't really needed at RS--so I decided on the spur of the moment to drive out to Provo and take Catherine out to dinner. Unfortunatley we found what has to be the most medicre Thai food in the state. Disappointing--but the company was first rate! Afterwards we went to the creamery where I had a single scoop of mint brownie fudge ice-cream. I have no idea where the points were last night. The ice-cream was at least 10 and the dinner would either be excellent or very poor depending on how much oil they cooked stuff in.  Exercise-wise, I'm still down and out, but getting better. I went to the physical therapist today ($35!!!), and he said I should be good for the 1/2 marathon!!  I'll be under prepared, but I'm still hoping that less weight and better shoes will compensate.  I'm cleared to walk for now but to not "over do".  I plan to be careful---I have to drive to work tomorrow, but should be able to walk up on Friday. Am on track today---things like cheese curds are still hard--I don't want 2 ounces--I WANT half the bag!!! I ate 2 ounces and really, am just fine.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

191 ONE piece

Today I did an AMAZING thing. I had ONE--count it, ONE piece of pizza for lunch. It was comical last night how long it took me to realize that having one piece (as opposed to two or three) was even an option.  We had leftover pizza--I wanted some for lunch. In my mind two pieces is the absolute rock bottom serving that exists--but weight watchers attachs a 10 point value to each slice--ouch! and tonight the RS is feeding me a "light" dinner whatever that means, along with Christmas candy sampling and I knew I needed to save a fair heap of points to deal with that.  I began last night by making a tomato cucumber salad--it turned out  bigger than I expected. I slowly began to wonder if I could tolerate a lunch of just a salad and one slice of pizza. I added a double helping of olives and a little feta cheese. Then ever so slowly--like wheels turning that haven't been used in 50 years the thought slowly began to occur to me that I could take 4 wasa crisps with a little butter and garlic salt and that with the pizza and the big salad would be FAR fewer points than two or three slices of pizza, and might feel like an acceptable lunch. And so it was! Of course I'd still like four or five more slices of pizza--but actually, not really. Lunch felt reasonably plentiful. I'm not hungry--I like that I won't gain weight today, I like looking forward to Christmas candy, and I like the size 16 pants I'm wearing.  I missed this size on the way up--we were in Japan when we were first married--when I left I was a 14 a year later coming home, I was a 20. Talk about depressing! I also like that for breakfast I had two crepes and a banana with chocolate peanut butter. I seem to be having a sweet tooth lately--it's nice to indulge it. I love light hot chocolate for 25 cal with ff whipped cream.

I'm still not up to my regular walking--but last night I did take a 1/2 hour walk that started off slowly and carefully, but by the end I was up to regular speed with no pain. I'm very pleased. It's been less than a week and I almost feel back to normal--the only problem is going down stairs. This makes me nervous for the marathon that starts with a steep downhill for 5 miles, but I'll just do all I can do.  I see the physical therapist tomorrow.

Monday, October 10, 2011

190 bad legs

The fast did feel good yesterday, and so does eating right today. I'm slowly, slowly, slowly changing. Yes, I'd like something sweet right now (I mean besides the jawbreaker I'm sucking on), but I'm really ok just saying I'm finished with lunch. I'm making crepes tonight and that will be fine too. It's nice to feel fine with a normal amount of food---not always wanting more.

I wish I could say the same for my poor sister. She's really heavy and went to instacare last night because her legs were so bruised and painful. Pure obesity. She doesn't have blood clots, which was the big fear, only thing to be done is lose weight, exercise and lay off the salt. I'll try and help her all I can, but it's difficult--she refuses to use the computer, refuses to return calls. She's ashamed and feels hopeless in a lot of areas in her life. My Dad has given up. My mom and other sister do nothing but radiate disapproval--this combined with the 100% toxic environment she creates for herself...no wonder she's in despair.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

189 Fast

Fasting is a good thing today in every way.  I can think of nothing my whole digestive tract would enjoy more than a few hours off. I'm glad the church has an official fast Sunday. Of course, nothing prevents me from fasting at any time, but being the food-lover that I am, the time to skip food never really comes around. I've learned though this past stomach illness that my addiction is more powerful than simply feeling sick to my stomach. Unless things are pretty terrible, I will ALWAYS want to eat.  I truly feel for those who have even worse addictions than I do. I am 32 pounds overweight--at my all time worst I was 72 pounds overweight.  That's plenty hard enough. I hope someday I really will get my book out and help others travel the road between wherever they are and where they need to be to see success.

Anyway! We had fun in Logan yesterday.  My knee is MUCH better and by mid-afternoon I could almost walk without limping. I did some gentle walking around a few small stores, and in the evening we took a slow walk of about four blocks.  Today I'll increase that a little as well as walk to church. I'll have to be careful. I've stopped taking the prescription anti-inflammatory because it caused unbearable itching all over--these last two days have been AWFUL. I took quite a bit of ibu yesterday, but I don't want to take a bunch on an empty stomach today.

Also, starting today I'll be back tracking on WW. It was kind of pointless to do while I was sick and in Denver, but I've never given up at least a mental tally.

And one more point for the slow road. In French Women Don't get Fat the author talks about the doctor who helped her and others that followed her program. Three pounds in 4 weeks! Nine pounds in 12! The more I see and hear real weight loss stories, the more I'm convinced that this is the about the speed of success.  A little less than a pound a week average. That's a FAR cry from what I've always been taught to believe equals weight loss success. 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

188 SLOW is the way to go

     A milestone day!  Today is the day that by blog day exceeds my weight! I realize that this is random, but it still feels good. This is a testiment to the benefits of slow weight-loss---excruciatingly slow in my humble opinion. But it works!!  I mentioned in yesterdays blog that I was up a few pounds--up to 191 to be exact. No surprises there, I REALLY enjoyed the dessert bar and other Denver goodies. I've been home and back on track--not counting, but back to things I normally eat--all of two days and this morning, I'm back to 187! BRAVO!!  The body really does work both ways---I feel as though I sweat and skimp and work and only very reluctantly does my weight do anything but move up.  Well, it's the same when I indulge--apparently my body took my Denver indescrestions and went "What the heck is all this?" and did whatever it took to put my weight back to what it thinks it is--which is happily 187. 
     The insurance--another hurrah for the PEHP people, is working with me too. I emailed my person there and asked what I should do as the evil doctor's scales claim I did not meet my goal for the Aug/Sept block. No prob. I have a 30 day extension to get the doc scales to register 187--which means my scales here need to say 185. Hopefully that won't be a problem. I wish I could do some walking today---I guess I'll be doing a little bit of limping around. We're driving up to Logan to see the leaves and visit the cheese factory. Love cheese curds--but I will go easy on them---or at least have a very light lunch.  I'm HOPING my stomach virus has finally worked itself out. When I woke up today Dave had made bacon and eggs and that actually sounded good, so I ate breakfast for the first time in about two weeks because I wanted to not because I felt I had to.
     And lastly, a fun little happy thing. When I was at the airport checking in, I looked at my drivers license and saw that I actually weigh less than what it says on the license.  Is that even legal?  It feels great, because naturally, I lied about my weight at the time.

Friday, October 7, 2011

187 a dream

Back from Denver and back to blogging. It was a rough trip. My stomach is still out of sorts--which helped a lot as far as overspending and not going completely bananas with the food. Even still, I "overcame" the off stomach enough to put away some really wonderful very high cal food. Artichoke dip at Old Chicago, the most amazing dessert buffet I've ever seen at the hotel, an italian sandwich at a fancy restaurant, key lime pie at Bubba gump shrimp (wasn't feeling well, so the pie WAS dinner), and a full meal at the Cheesecake factory (feeling better then) with the most amazing chocolate coconut cheesecake. Not surprisingly, I'm up a few pounds at the moment.  In addition to the dicey stomach, my knee went out on the last day! I mean really went out--one minute I was fine, the next I couldn't walk. I went to the Dr. yesterday and I have "femoral patella syndrome"--basically loose knee caps. The right knee cap slipped its groove and that really hurts! The treatment is simple--wear a brace and take anti-inflammatories.  It already feels much better and I'm still holding out hope that I can do the 1/2 marathon. The thing I'm worried about is that I can't walk right now and I didn't walk anywhere near as much as normal during the conference--though the Denver conference center is the biggest thing I've ever seen--and we all did get some good walking in just going from session to session. It's frustrating now not to be able to walk--I WANT to walk and do just dance, I'm going nuts just sitting and sitting and sitting. Besides, walking helps my stomach.  But there's not much I can do except let my body heal and do the best I can.

I want to mention an interesting and vivid dream I had just before we left. In my dream I was talking to my cat, Tigger. It didn't look like Tigger in the dream, but that's who it was. Tigger had done something so terrible and even evil (though I couldn't remember in my dream what awful thing he'd done) that he could no longer stay in the house. I was explaining to him that he couldn't stay and I felt so sad. The dream Tigger was a very mean looking cat (the real one is the most lovable snuggly cat you can imagine). I put him out. It was a pretty winter day and he settled down in the yard in plain sight of the window, just as he might on any day, I wondered if he understood that he couldn't come back. I woke up then feeling sad.  When I shared the dream with Dave he asked me what awful thing he'd done? I laughed because I knew the dream didn't represent him. I wonder if it represents my weight problem? If it does, I think the dream is a really good sign--free for all eating represents love and comfort--just like Tigger. It hurts to say farewell to something that's been such a staple for the way I've always lived my life. But hopefully, that dream tells me that I'm doing exactly that.  Sure, overeating FEELS great, but it isn't my friend. It has only ever harmed me. Overeating pretends to fix everything or to make everything more fun, but it steals my life on every level. Overeating has betrayed me and cannot be forgiven. 

However, having said that--I'm so glad that food isn't banished from my life! Food IS my friend. Food gives me life and it can be very good indeed. I'm not sure everything I ate in Denver was justified, but oddly, the only thing I really regret is that second half of the Italian sandwich. I was full--more than full in fact, but I still ate it. That's a mistake. Everything else was genuinely special and, thanks mostly to my weak stomach, I left food on the plate at every meal.  The other good thing I did in Denver was to download French Women don't get Fat onto my Nook.  There's a book that's on the right track! She advocates a very gentle approach--and a much more conscious attitude toward food than we have in America--not conscious as in I know all the calories etc in every bite, but conscious about how great the food is--and IS it great? And if it isn't, what could I find that would be better? It's the difference between a mediocre piece of store cheese, and a piece of that terrific Irish cheese I found.  I think I still need WW to hold my hand, because unlike the French Women, I'm not very good at stopping at one piece of anything. But it's great to read a book that actually makes portion control sound desireable and appealing! Apparently the French think it's weird to see a plate full of food. Who would want to eat that? Or a meal that's just one thing--like a plate of spaghetti.  I've been thinking about the things I love--I'm going to incorporate more of them in my life--weirdly, most of it isn't American--really good bread, really good cheese, really good chocolate, feta cheese, olives, naan, live yogurt, kabobs, produce in season. I will put these into WW and keep re-reading the French book to teach me that less really is SO much more.