Losing weight in spite of myself.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Just before we left, I came across a picture--that I'll post if I ever find it, of a huge woman gnawing on a big (32oz) brick of cheese as she watched some event. I printed it out because I have trouble making the connection between my actions and the consequences when it comes to food. But this picture makes sense to me. Much as I love cheese, I simply do not engage in that behavior, and wallah!! I'm much thinner and healthier than that poor woman. Ergo--if I change my current behaviors, I will be thinner and healthier than I am now. By way of change--I have a new motto:
Worry less and do more.
Just that simple. Worry A LOT less about my weight, but everyday DO more things that are good for my body. Say "yes" to as many good things as I can--fruits, veggies, water, sleep, exercise, Say "no" to as many things as I can that don't do my body good--junk food, huge portions. The key is "as many things I can" sometimes, emotionally I really can't seem to say no to the goodie, and that's fine. This is just a ramped up version of what I did when I gave up altogether in Iowa--back then, my only idea was not to go out of my way to do things that would make me gain a ton of weight. It was intuitive eating in it's most basic unconscious form, and it worked--I lost 20 pounds in 5 years. "Worry Less DO More" feels different. This time I'm seeking out as many things as possible that will help me.
In a similar vein, I've been thinking about a college experience. I lived in the German house and we took turns cooking with the men's house feeding about 20 people. One night I was on dish duty and I was scrubbing as with all my might on some burnt on spot with no success. The guy I was working with stopped me and said--don't scrub so hard--just wash it gently--sure enough, he got the pot clean with no problem. I think weight might be the same principle---weight watchers for me is the equivalent of scrubbing with all my might. I think I need a much gentler approach. The old story of the contest between the wind and the sun to see who could make the man remove his coat first, also comes to mind. The cold wind blew with all his might and the man just held his coat tighter and tighter. But the sun shone gently and eventually the man took his coat off.
I know for sure that weight watchers makes me want to clutch at my old habits tighter and makes me wish for big portions of rich food. I think IE and the Worry Less DO More idea will be much like the sun--allowing me to release resentment, fear and all the other things that cause me to maintain a heavy weight.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I'll do what I can while I'm on vacation--TOMORROW!!! But I'm not too worried about it. This is a precious time--literally the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I know I will eat fruits and veggies as much as I can because I'll needing energy--but I'm simply not going to worry about it and I will keep up the process when I get back. See you in 10 days!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Exercise is coming along nicely though. After Disneyworld, the idea will not only be to exercise but to improve. Today, Dave and I walked the color vibe 5K. For once, I would have gone faster, but he was being super careful not to do anything to his hip before our vacation. I had a BLAST!!! I want to do this next year and I have to do it with Catherine someday. Pretty much everyone wore white shirts and at different stations volunteers threw bright colors at us! It was so much fun!! At the end of the race we were all given our own bag of color and there was music playing and everyone was dancing and throwing colors. It was the BEST party I've ever been to!! I want to be healthy so I can always do stuff like this! Disneyworld will be plenty of exercise, and in November I've invited my co-workers to do the Lazy man iron-man with me. Somehow I've got to come up with a plan that marries IE with some kind of good sense! MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Today--nope! I didn't feel like that at all!!!! If I want trail mix and oj for a snack--FINE!! I can have it! The truth is that I probably won't want it as often as he does, because I am a smaller person. And actually today was a great example--I've been eating from a big bag of nuts that I got at the airport and so his snack didn't sound appealing at all. My grandmother was 4 foot 8, I naturally want to, and should eat more than she did. Someone who is 6 feel will naturally eat more than me, and someone who is 7 feet will eat more than him. I eat a great deal more than my cat and a great deal less than an elephant. It really doesn't matter and all creatures big and small will feel happy with the food they need--so long as they actually GET the food they need are free from jealousy that they aren't eating what the other guy has. Truly, the hummingbird doesn't want the lion's kill. And truly, I really don't want TWO cheeseburgers and a pound of fries that the linebacker might want. It's a liberating thought. If I actually did want it I could have it, but truly I don't think I really would want it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Food-wise, I was proud yesterday that by the time dinner was ready, I realized that I wasn't really all that hungry and stopped after eating about 1/3 of it. Good job!!! Today, I'm wondering if it was less that I've learned anything and more that I'm a little sick. But it doesn't matter! I could have eaten it all and sick or not, I recognized that I didn't want to and that's good behavior! Today at work someone brought moist pumpkin bars. I didn't really want one, but I did want a taste--I took a sliver off of one and satisfied that craving.
Boy, I really am a little tired. There is exciting Disney stuff to be done and it is sounding burdensome rather than exicting. I'm also irritated that I've just had a non-intuitive piece of cheese. It's okay! It's comfort food and I guess I'm in need of comfort today. It might also be a reaction to the thought I had yesterday that I'm actually eating far less cheese now than I did on weight watchers! How about that?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I love my walks to work, and I love to be active in general--going to Nashville showed me that my activity level is easily on par if not better than other skinnier women.
Yesterday I really wanted my healthy dinner of portobello mushrooms and watermelon. I didn't want dessert.
Today, I loved my breakfast of an eggwhite omelete with spinach and jalapeno and a laughing cow cheese, 2 slices of bacon, 2 slices of light toast and chocolate milk. I also loved my lunch of melted cheese on homemade wheat bread and a cabbage salad. I'm looking forward to a healthy dinner too---a new Hungry Girl receipe.
--I had a few setbacks---too many choc covered peanuts, and a little too much of the dessert bread somebody brought---but although I opened my pop-tart crisps, I discovered I didn't want them and put them back. Also yesterday, I had a lot of flame doritos, but looking back, I ate a really normal to small amount of them. I also said no to buying the Halloween Oreos--that one took a little will-power, but only a little--they're expensive, we didn't need them and I'll get them when we come back for Halloween. That didn't feel like a diet decision--more of a life decision.
Also, I acted on the thought to call my sister. Much better to just do it than to avoid it. I getting much better at facing avoidant behaviors. My instinct is still to run, but I am slowly improving.
So the verdice is YES!! I am far from a hopeless case!!!! Take that subconscious negative voice!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Oh WOW WOW WOW!! I'm just back from the Nashville conference. If you ever get the chance stay at the Gaylord Opryland. I won't even try to describe it--other than to say it includes an indoor boat ride through the hotel. Go look it up and book your vacation--completely mindblowing.
Food-wise--all I can say is that I HOPE I'm moving through the IE process. We left on Wednesday and yes, on Sunday at the airport when everyone else ordered Wendy's, I went to the other deli and ordered the fruit and cheese tray and some pretzels and hummus and an 80 cal mango shake. VERY intuitive. I was junkfood and sugared OUT. (I say was because that was yesterday---today I'm perfectly ready to indulge again. The problem is that it take SOOO MUCH food to get me to that point! And even if I know I'm not eating intuitively, I usually can't stop so it doesn't seem to have any practical value. Case in point--went to the Grand ol Opry. We didn't have time to eat before we went, so we were stuck with concession food junk---beside, this was the Opry--my mind yells that this is a golden chance to splurge---Must say IE is helping with this--I did realize that it wasn't a splurge so much as just another night of eating what I wanted---Anyway, they had tempting bags of garlic-parmesan popcorn. I bought one. Blech. Did they pop it last week?? I think before IE I would have eaten it anyway. I had ZERO trouble not eating it and throwing the bag away after the program even though it was a waste of $4. I was able to see that whether or not I ate the popcorn, I would still have wasted $4. Good right? Yes!!! I ordered the hotdog and big pretzel I wanted instead. I knew I was more than done with the pretzel by the time I was 1/3 through. Did I stop? NO way! I ate the whole thing AND I ate the horrible cheese sauce it came with. Here's another IE moment--the vast conference dessert bar. I had exactly what I wanted--fruit, a cheery tart, a brownie tart, a "shot" of key lime pie, some other desserts I can't even remember and a flan--the flan was great--served plain in little bowls, you could then go to the topping bar--where i topped it with caramel, a heap of candied walnuts, dark chocolate shavings, real whipped cream and a cherry. True, I didn't touch the bananas flambe, the ice-cream or the peach cobbler, and I didn't have seconds on the other desserts--but it's hard to see virtue in that when I "intuitively" went back for TWO more bowls of loaded flan. I'd love to call this progress--but I don't know. With stuff like this I've always been at least somewhat intuitive, and maybe that's why I don't weight 400 pounds, but it's going to be hard to get to goal weight stuffing myself with flan and pretzels. Worse, one day I wasn't even hungry--but it was a chance to get away to eat at the opryland backstage grill. I had buffalo wings and fried green tomatoes--fantastic!! It was the best food of the whole conference. I wasn't hungry, but I'm glad I ate it. What on earth is my poor brain supposed to do with that????
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
One thing that's becoming hugley apparent to me is that I'm massively suseptible to my surroundings and occasions. I don't know what to do with myself this month--I'm leaving for Nashville in the morning, and then to Disney World (WOW!!!) on the 17th. Both food disasters--Disney especially--it's the food and wine festival. But other than that, I think I want to try to manage my surroundings better, because as you'll read here, I really can't handle being near food.
Friday was my Dad's birthday and Lisa made a pampered chef concoction to DIE for! in a 9x7 ish pan--the first layer is chocolate chip cookie dough, next layer reeses peanut butter cups, top layer carmel truffle brownie mix. Bake. It was EXACTLY what I wanted. I had two pieces and asked for more to take home. I did well with the cake at home. I didn't have any on Saturday after the marathon, because I didn't want any. On Sunday, I took my great big piece out to eat, but only had 1/2 of it. The reason I stopped was because the dessert was soooo good, and I could tell that I wasn't tasting it or enjoying quite as much as I was at first--it was too good to not enjoy it to the full, so I stopped to save it for another time. PERFECT intuitive eating behavior.
Yesterday I went to the first of 3 intuitive eating classes here. The instructor was pregnant and it inspired a new thought. One of my fears with IE is that I won't be able to do it because I had SUCH a hard time with it when I was pregnant. At the time I wasn't on IE or anything particular--but my pregnant body shut down and refused to eat fat, sugars or salt. I lost a ton of weight without dieting---on the contrary, I was trying to eat as much as I could manage so as not to starve the baby. The fear comes from my memory of being so frustrated that I couldn't eat!! I especially remember going to a fabulous rib place--I knew the food was great, it was also out of our normal budget so it was a special treat and....I just couldn't eat it. I think I ordered an english muffin (dry). I felt left out and that I was missing out!! I wanted BBQ ribs and I could have had them, but my body just didn't want them.
Okay. HOW on earth am I going to live IE when I so deeply resent saying no to food EVEN when I don't want it???!!! Yesterday, at the class, it occured to me for the first time to challenge my memory of being pregnant. Yes, I was frustrated at the rib place--but that is the ONLY specific frustration memory I have! Looking back, I wonder if in reality I was ok with what I was eating most of the time and if the frustrating times were just once in a while?!!! On IE--that would be just fine! If most of the time I'm eating according to need, and then have the occasional rib blow-out--fine!!
I was excited about this new thought. Which makes my behavior last night disappointing. We forgot to buy meat so we went to Zuppa's where I ate past fullness--though I was excited that the soup and sandwich got me past fullness. That wouldn't have been horrible, but Dave took me for a surprise trip to subzero ice-cream. I didn't want ice-cream at all, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings either. No prob--I ordered the smallest possible with the idea that I would nibble and take it home. Even the kid's size portion is enormous AND there was a special so everything came in a waffle bowl. I nibbled as planned, until I discovered that sub-zero waffle bowls are GOOD--normally I don't even like waffle bowls. In the end I nibbled my way through all of the ice-cream and most of the bowl. sigh.