That's it. My little girl is off at college. I can't believe she's really gone. Actually, I WON'T believe it, because she isn't. There are phones, and emails and texts, and better yet, she's only 77 miles away. Visits will be happening. Still....it's not the same. I'm relieved I could go with her yesterday though, and see for myself how beautiful the dorm is. She's got a gorgeous view of the mountains with the Provo temple. I only got to meet one of the roommates, but she seems very nice and the whole building had a floor of friendly excitement. BYU is like that. Very warm and loving. I feel as though I've left her in a good place. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't feel like that.
Food-wise though. What a catastrophe!! On Monday, when I mentioned that I was tired and that was a problem?---oh yeah. Tired, stressed and I figured the house would be upside-down with Catherine trying to pack (She did an awesome job actually). We were all tired so we went to Jim's burgers. I had the gyro plate. Tasty but totally unsatisfying. I left with my stomach feeling full, but still feeling hungry if that makes sense, and definitely feeling as though I wanted more. After packing we managed to play a last round of the Farming Game. There were still brownies left from Sunday. I ate my share and half of Catherine's WITH milk. Totally out of control behavior. Yesterday I didn't even try. We went to Goodwood for lunch where I had nachos. And to the Brick Oven for a late dinner. I wasn't even hungry but I still had a fully loaded salad with plenty of blue cheese dressings and crumbles AND a pizza. But at least I only ate one slice of the pizza (the other three slices are waiting for me here for lunch.) Also we had a yummy chocolate chip with ice-cream and marshmellows dessert.
What am I thinking? To tell the truth, not much. Right now I'm so tired my only goal is to get through work today. I didn't get to sleep till about midnight and I had to be at work at 7:30. That doesn't sound too bad--and one day won't kill me, but I'm a true 8 1/2 hour person and if I don't get it, I really go downhill physically. I didn't have time to make lunch---or more accuratley, I wasn't willing to take the time so late at night or get up any earlier. So today I have the rest of the pizza and a salad (with lite dressing!) that I bought on my break. No idea what's for dinner and don't care very much. Tomorrow I should be right on track with both food and exercise, but Friday night Dave and I are going out just the two of us--because we CAN. THAT will be fun. But after that I should be in the clear to make a solid effort toward weight-loss once again.
Is that total rationalization and excuse making? Probably. I've learned one thing though (again). For me, it's really important to physically get on that WW web site and log in my points. It's not good enough to keep track in my head and it's not good enough to scribble them down on paper either. Logging them in makes it more "official" in my mind. It strengthens my committment. Without real tracking I'm like a driver going without brakes. Sure, it's fine for a little while, but the crash is going to come. I wish this weren't true. But apparently it still is. 144 days FEELS like forever, but it's actually a very short time, and the unhappy fact is that if I quit I would go straight back up to where I started or very close to it.
Even still though I'm feeling stubborn about my process right now. I'm not defending my behavior this week---but I'm still convinced that any program where a person is either "on" or "off" is doomed 99.9% of the time. Sean is the only exception I can think of. He managed to stay "ON", but he's the only one I know who's actually done it. I know for sure I can't do the on off thing. I've tried many many many times and it's just too easy to fall off and then never get back "on" because "on" simply takes too much energy and I haven't learned yet to enjoy being "on". Does that make sense? So, even though I do talk a lot about being "on track" or having gone "off track" in my mind I'm working very hard to get off the track altogether and just LIVE in an ever improving spiral upwards. Everyone has a "diet" so to speak--some include vast amounts of uncontrolled food and are very unhealthy, but it's still that persons "diet". The only possible thing that can work is to change your lifestyle in a real way--not in a "this is the program that I'm artifically following" way. I consider weight watchers to be Artifical with a capital A. However, while wrestling with that program, I am slowly making real progress in really changing my natural lifestyle--I do move more, I AM concerned about my poor choices over the last few days (before, it would take weeks before it would even register that I wasn't eating all that great), discovering better food and coming to grips with how heavy some of my old habits were (large amounts of cheese, nuts, chocolate milk etc.).
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
No comments:
Post a Comment