A new day, I feel a little better. It helped to have an RS meeting last night to take me out of myself a little bit. A good and funny mystery also helps and Dave is being sweet too. Still--difficult emotions are all the more difficult when not buried in food. I think RS will help a lot with my family. The problems of all the people in the ward FAR exceed my ability to solve or even to help much, and yet I'm called to do what I can. Ok. Same prinicple with my family. I was thinking a little bit about why I would rather have my teeth drilled than spend time with them. Easy answer--pain, guilt, guilt and guilt.
It's painful to see the situation. Then doing anything at all only underscores how very little whatever I've done is---it's a drop of water in the Sahara, it also illustrates clearly how very much I've failed in the past, in addition should I make an inevitable mistake--say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, then I've compounded the difficulties. To further deter me is the very real feeling that anything I do genuinely doesn't matter anyway--no one notices. But the worst is that I can't be honest--my reactions of anger and grief are first of all way out of porportion to whatever trivial event triggers them and second I would never want to express these feelings anyway because Mom has already beat me to it shredding any possible hope of recovery with an endless barrage of criticism. The last thing that anyone needs is verification from me of how badly they have let me down too. It's impossible to be fair or even honest anyway--I'm far too enmeshed to see things clearly and even if I was a wise outsider, I don't believe anyone short of God himself could untangle the bad from the good. I feel like the best I can possibly do is to hang on to any good thing I can find (an increasingly shrinking margin). And I should do a whole lot more by way of making friends with Riley, and spending time with my sisters and helping Mom around the house.
Enough. This is far more personal than probably should be on a public blog anyway. But I'm sure this sort of thing is where the roots of my weight problem lie (some variant of --family failed me so somehow I am entitled to have anything else I want), and no one but me reads this blog.
Food-wise--pot luck at work! My plan is to call it 15 points and enjoy it.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
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