Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.



The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!







Friday, November 11, 2011

221 Fat behavior today

Oh well, skinny behavior yesterday, fat behavior today. Scale read 187--meh ok. The fat behavior I'm engaging in is that I want to be very careful counting points--but I'm going to start until Sunday.  Why not sooner?  Well.....tonight is pizza night! and tomorrow we're going to Disney on Ice. Actually, tomorrow might be pretty well on track--who can afford to buy food at something like Disney on Ice? So, I'm not planning on pigging out. The plan is to be on track--But to be very well and carefully on track starting Sunday. That friends, is fat behavior--starting tomorrow, making promises for the future rather than doing the right thing today.

I was reading a story on Calorie Count the other day--this woman was EXACTLY like me. Same age, about the same weight, PCOS, and arthritis. Like me, she battled the first 20 pounds, then she writes that she "quit making excuses" and the rest of the weight just melted off.  It's nice to read about someone who had an easier time at the end!  So why don't I do that?? Why don't I quit making excuses and quit rationalizing some new reason to eat the wrong things on almost a daily basis?  I don't entirely know--two things---I'm simply not quite ready to give up. I can go to the store and see something I want and not buy it and that's ok. But to want FOOD and not eat it----that is NOT ok. Everything yells that I'm missing out! I've forever lost my chance to enjoy whatever it is, and I'm being massively and unfairly deprived!! 

The other reason (excuse?) I don't fight those feelings as much as I could is just plain fear. I do NOT want to fight that battle---get all the way down to goal weight only to discover that the battle has exhausted me and that I can't maintain the effort. The consequence then would be that I'd regain all the weight.  I am just plain afraid of that.

So--I'm trying to maintain a sort of uncomfortable balance. Rather than to fight, to try to change. This makes it hard to tell if I'm being smart, or just rationalizing bad behavior. I suspect it's a good mix of both most of the time. But it's ok to stretch myself and a good bout of careful counting will not hurt me (especially when I fully plan to go to the cheesecake factory next week).  Darn it.  I am simply determined that I am going to both lose weight AND eat whatever I want at the cheesecake factory when I want to.  Wish me luck with that one!

No comments:

Post a Comment