LONG day yesterday. I took the Ford to the doctor--I think it's a starter problem, and I just pray the problem is cheap. It was a good decision because I needed to exercise and the walk home from the mechanics was just the thing. Then I called my drug addict sister to see if I could take her out to dinner. Then planned and did the Thanksgiving shopping. Oh my. The house is full of butter and sugar and chocolate, but not really anything to eat. Thanksgiving is fun. Then I went to SLC to take my sister out--she called just as I was leaving and said she was too sick to go. Very well might have been true. I went down anyway to talk to my other sister. As it turned out it saved both money and calories. ZERO appetite. It was good to talk to Lisa and her roommate Kristin--who is one of the most tremendous people I've ever known. For the moment there doesn't seem to be a great deal we can do for my nephew, but there might be some very good things we can do overall. It was a good conversation, and I'm coward enough to be very relieved that we don't have to drag my nephew kicking and screaming out of the house just before the holidays.
I've been a little more aware of how my body and mind process emotional trauma. For one thing, my mind can't/won't absorb it all at once. I felt a literal ache in my heart. Also, I'm escaping into happy things in the form of the Anne of Green Gables series--haven't read them in years and they're just the anecdote now. I didn't want dinner, and when I got home even though it was 11:30, I needed time to decompress. I put on my all time favorite movie--the six volume Pride and Prejudice (again pure escapism) and wrapped a few presents. Actually went to bed about 1:00 a.m. Woke up at 7:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm a real 8-9 hour person normally. I picked up the house, wrapped presents and forgot to call someone for church. I haven't been particularly sad---my mind is replaying certain parts of last night, but there is not a great deal of emotion attached. I think I'm a little bit numb. I appreciated church although most of it seemed to be bouncing off of me. But I read the 23rd psalm last night and again at sacrament and I am amazed at how literally true it is. I was tired, but I did not sleep in church (an unfortunate problem I sometimes have). After church I drove to the airport to pick up Dave. GOOD to have him back. We had dinner and now it's almost 9 and I am truly tired. I'm going to bed early and am sure I'll be in better spirits tomorrow. Food-wise is interesting too--I want sugar and chocolate--but not unreasonable amounts of it. On the contrary--I wanted the things I've been used to eating the last 230 days. THAT signifies some real food changes I think.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
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