Weird, yesterday's post didn't publish. So I pushed the button again today and I'm good to go. Yesterday, I had my day beautifully planned out, but I was derailed by starving hunger at about 10:00 o'clock. You just can't fool the body. For breakfast I had had a bowl of cream of wheat with blackberries. Yummy and satisfying--but apparently just plain not enough (4 points). I continue to be amazed by those who manage to stick to low cal diets. Anyway, I had a packet of soup here that was 1 point, but I didn't want to go over points, so instead I hung tough for about an hour and then instead, dug out the microwave popcorn that's been sitting in there for months. Now, I often bring microwave popcorn---usually the single serving size that's only a point or two. Well, this stuff came in a gift bag and I had no idea what it was or how much it was worth and since it wasn't labeled and I didn't know then somehow to my hunger addled mind it was a zero. HA! It was full blown kettle korn and it was terrific--but I haven't had the courage yet to look up how many points that was worth! I knew what I was doing from the start, but I ate almost all of it before I was willing to consider what I was doing. I wonder why that was so difficult? It was probably because I was not only hungry then, but afraid that lunch wasn't going to fill me up either. Even still...I fast once a month---zero food or even water all day long and it isn't that much of a big deal. So, I did what I always do. Said oops to the kettle korn (it did make me feel much better) and kept the rest of the day on track including some good dancing on the wii. The other dumb thing I did though was to get on the scale this morning---again the power of pure wishful thinking. I WANT to see the 180's again. I'm soooo close. 191. But again, it's not even weigh day so I shouldn't be on the scale. It might be the kettle korn, it might be retained water, it might be the late dinner, it might be a hundred things and I know better, but that doesn't stop the inner voice from shrieking--"you can't do this!" "It will never happen!" "You don't want to do this!" "Why don't you stop and have something you want to have??"
It feels good to identify that voice here in the blog. It robs the voice of power. Today I had something similar happen. Much more substantial breakfast, but still hungry in the mid-morning. I was tired last night and didn't plan out my food properly (although I did make dinner for tonight). I threw together what I hoped would be ok. It was. I got to work and logged it all in on the computer. This time I DID eat the soup for a point. Also, I bought a sleeve of the lime and chili nuts I like and ate a controlled 1/2 sleeve for three more points. It means I won't have a bunch of cookies and milk later on, but I think it was the right decision.
Now---on the VERY bright side. Today I am wearing the GREEN SHIRT!!!! Christmas before last Dave bought me five or six beautiful shirts for work. All a plain size large-I was on the old ww plan and hating it--in fact I think I had just fallen off the wagon for keeps. None of the shirts fit. I could squeeze into them, but they hugged every bulge and no way could I wear them in public. They ALL fit last night. A little tight in the chest maybe, but not unduly so. They all seemed much stretchier than they used to be. The green shirt is my favorite of all that he bought. It feels great to wear it on the first day of Sept--which to my mind is the first day of fall regardless of what the calendar says. I feel slim. I do NOT need to listen to the voice. Yes, this takes time. Yes, this takes more time than I think it should because of my own poor choices. But every day is a new day and YES I CAN succeed. Nobody's out there with a stopwatch. This is a process of recovery and if kettle korn mistakes are part of the process then so be it.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
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