Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.



The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!







Monday, November 24, 2014

New Motto



This needs to be my motto for weight loss. Seriously, Just stop quitting. This will work well for harp for writing for running, for gardening for anything where I'm constantly having to regain ground.

I'm still working on my big questions---HOW can I make eating less feel like a sustainable lifestyle? How do I break this pattern?  First two or three days the diet is easy---it takes that long to clear the junk out of my system, then 1-3 weeks of reasonable good will, then crashing boredom and resentment. That's because none of the systems I have tried feel like a lifestyle change--they all feel like a diet. Exception would be the book, "You on a Diet" which emphasized eating real food. That concept feels like a sustainable change and I will continue to work on that, but the book degenerates into a horrific sounding diet at the end. I also need to address fear of being thin---not even thin, just a healthy weight. WHAT is the problem? Am I afraid of anger? Or is it not fear at all--just plain anger? I'll explore that a minute:

I'm finally a healthy weight

WHY didn't mom raise me to just BE this way???
Now there's no prom for me to go to.
It's too late to be popular in high school or college
Now I could have married the sexiest man on the planet
Had I done this earlier, my whole life would have been different!! I've missed my life!!!
I've missed my life AND now I'm stuck eating chicken breast forever.

I think I can answer most of these questions with just a little simple gratitude and good sense--I don't know if this will help, but it won't hurt.

Mom came from wartime Germany. She DID fix healthy, normal dinners. True, there weren't many veggies, and Mom and Dad had NO idea of sports, but I really wasn't very overweight despite all that. I only thought that I was. It isn't Mom's fault that I live in a world where ridiculous food is constantly being advertised and offered to me. There isn't anybody to blame here. This is a weakness--but everyone has weaknesses, if it wasn't food, it would certainly be something else just because none of us is perfect.

I missed prom. More than that, I missed dating a lot in general. This has FAR less to do with weight than it did with self-confidence. Jana, was heavier than I was and she was one of the most popular girls in school. Being overweight wasn't all bad--I hope I grew up to be a little more thoughtful than a flighty party-girl. I think I would have just liked the option to have been a party girl and feel cheated that I wasn't. But am I a party girl really?  a little bit. But fun for me is more being on vacation, or curling up with a great book or starting a new craft. I've NEVER liked small talk and I HATE peer pressure and jr. high politics. I think that would have been the same at any weight. I really just don't care that much about hair and clothes. I might have cared a little more if I had felt prettier, but I bet not that much more. ALSO--who says I would have been all that pretty or popular had i been thinner? I've never known what to do with my hair. There were lots of skinny unpopular girls. I can't blame weight for not having been popular. Note--maybe I was more popular than I give myself credit for.

Marry the sexiest man. UGH! My life would have been miserable had I married Stu or any of his self-centered look alikes. Not all good looking guys are self centered of course. I'm in a marital rut right now. Dave IS very good looking and smart and does dishes and laundry. He isn't very outgoing or openly friendly. Okay. Is that so terrible? No! He's a sweetheart who will help anybody. I can match him fault for fault anytime---probably beat him too. This is a pure case of the "grass is always greener." He's very patient with me and I can't imagine growing old with anyone else. It's the old regret that I didn't date a million guys. But Catherine's roommates ARE dating a million guys, and truly, I don't think I missed that much.

I missed my life!!  Baloney. I've had and continue to have the most amazing life. The only thing I've missed is being a Bimbo. I'd like to think that if I had been thinner I would have had more confidence and that would have translated into better grades, a better job and being a better person in general. Not so. My best friend was thin, beautiful and popular and she married straight out of high-school and had 5 kids. Yuck. I served a mission, went to college, and traveled all over the world. I would never trade lives. Maybe God put me in the circumstances to be given a weight problem to protect me from the bimbo aspect of myself and give me the opportunity to have an amazing life. It's okay to lose weight now so I can continue to have an amazing life.

I'll be stuck eating chicken breast forever. No. But I do need to consistently eat less than I do and it's true I have not resolved this happily. But that's not a past regret. It's a current one. But I like to cook, and I like healthy receipes. This is a big plus. I even like to exercise somewhat another big plus. I need to work on gratitude to conquer greed. Nobody ever talks about greed anymore. I need to hear messages on this.

THERE. It's safe to lose weight. I haven't missed my life and my husband is a dear who will support me 100%.

1. That I can skip class tonight and go to bed early.
2. That C was able to get to the dollar store for me.
3. That Ashley was a pleasant appt after all.
4. clementines
5. The institute Christmas lunch--so festive!
6. That I'm done seeing students today!
7. For fantasy artists
8. For airconditioning
9. For central heat
10. For running water esp hot--we didn't have it in Japan
11. For handy invention like scissors and zippers
12. The art of James Christensen and his puzzles
13. For the upcoming amazing disney legos
14. That Catherine can drive
15. German decorating--geraniums and white lace curtains
16. The great brain books
17. Shaun the Sheep
18. So glad for a long weekend.
19. That Dan fixed my printer settings today
20. Mom's rocky picture in my office
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