Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

498 Full

Scary Scary!!! I'm too full and I feel fat. Why did I eat all that lunch? I wasn't really hungry for it. I could have eaten 1/2 of it if at all--but I didn't. I ate the whole thing. The only good thing is that I'm honestly not liking this feeling of feeling too full. That's a change--usually I love this feeling--but today I don't. At all. The thing I'm afraid of is that I don't dislike the feeling enough to want to prevent feeling it again. I can easily see myself for the next few years consistently overeating and each and every time saying , "yep--overdid it again. Don't like that."

Maybe my committment just needs to be as simple as every morning saying that I'm not on a diet and I'm going to enjoy everything. And then before I eat ANYTHING just ask myself am I going to enjoy this or not?

I'm also frustrated that I can't excercise just now because of my back. Patience is NOT my best virture.

I want to comment on an insightful comment on yesterday's post. I said that the Lord probably wishes I'd quit wasting so much energy on this and just get out there and do my visiting teaching. Here's Stephonie's response.

I think He does care because He is aware of us and He is aware of our concerns. When we are overweight what do we focus on? Our weight. What do we worry about? Our weight and what other people think about us. When we are overweight are we able to fulfill our callings as wife, mom, and church member to the best of our abilities? I can only speak for myself but my weight inhibits every single aspect of my life. Does the Lord love me at the weight that I am? Absolutely! Will he love me any more if I loose weight? Nope. I will be just as important to him if I weigh 1000 lbs or 165. Since weight is such a huge concern to me I know that He is aware of my concerns and they are important to him.

She's right of course. Weight impacts EVERY area of my life--no question, and for that reason it's worth spending whatever energy it takes to resolve this issue in my life. However, I still resent that society makes weight such a big deal. But when I look at my life and the flaws that I'd like to correct--like a tendency to procrastinate and a tendency to underachieve to name just two flaws. I'm sure if I gave the attention to either of these that I do to weight--I'd find that these flaws also impact every single aspect of my life and that correcting them would be just as comprehensive as correcting overeating. If society were comprised of rational beings wouldn't we all be working on different things? Over the office water cooler wouldn't someone be talking about one issue and another about another issue? But no. Every New Year's Day everyone ignores every flaw, except one and goes on a diet.

It makes me angry that I've been overlooked and underestimated my whole life simply because I'm overweight. And boy, oh boy-am I not alone. I know so many fabulous people that have battled through challenges that would make any soldier cry for his mommy, and in the stress of many moments they have overeaten, and that seems to be ALL that anybody sees or values.

Oh well. I like the movie Shallow Hal. It's about a completely shallow guy who falls under a spell so he can only see people based on their inner-beauty. He falls in love with a girl who is huge, but he thinks she's a supermodel. He learns a few things in the end. I like that in the next life we will be valued for who and what we really are.

In the meantime though. I'm not supposed to be comparing myself with others--and I'm certainly not supposed to be envious of them or worry about what the world thinks I'm worth. I only need to work on being better than I am today. If I could only REMEMBER that I think I could let go of the weight more easily. Thanks for the reminder Steph!

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