Yesterday went well--I think. It IS hard not to be definite. But I don't believe I overate. I went out of my way to get some Ben and Jerry's icecream--there are 4 servings in that little pint at 350 cal a serving! WHEW!!! I'm calling what I did common sense, rather than the diet police--I'd eaten dinner, I wasn't hungry--this was just a "taste hunger" kind of thing. I dished some ice-crea out into another bowl so I woudn't mindlessly eat the whole thing. I was suprised that when I had dished out what looked to me like a plenty big amount, that it still wasn't nearly 1/4 of the pint. I'm hoping that was a friendly message from my body that knew it was full, making my eyes and brain think that the amount in my bowl was big. I enjoyed it and was content.
One thing to work on---I must stop saying and thinking disparaging thoughts about "those" people. You know, the ones who say they're starving and then hardly eat anything. I even mentioned them here a few days ago. Why on earth do I look down on them? I'm trying to become like them!!! Part of it is pure jealously I'm sure. But I think another part is that I value food--so maybe I show that by eating a lot of it and so I feel superior to those who haven't discovered this "value"? That's pretty silly. There are many chefs and people (thinking of the nation of France) who have much more finely tuned palettes than I do. They value food even more than me and they are thin! They value it enough not to eat vast quanitites of mediocre junk. I need to prepare myself to hear comments like, "Come on Anneli, I thought you said you were hungry" or "have a second helping" or "you don't have to be so good today." I can always say, "I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought." or, "I'm not being 'good' I'm just full---can I take a piece home?" One of my co-workers in particular is a good example for me. She's a tiny person and she's a great cook, married a huge rodeo guy and her diet is full of meat and potatoes and going out. She never watches what she eats. But I notice that sometimes her portions are small. She has a very active life, and since she is eating all the time (she likes to nibble all day), I don't think she notices that she isn't always eating a ton. She loves food and cooking, but she exemplifies IE. I don't think she can weigh more than 105--which is perfect for her height. She could be a model anytime. I don't dismiss her style of eating as missing out.
In fact, today we had a potluck brunch at work and this co-worker ate quite a few sweets! More than I did! I only had a granola bar and some milk for breakfast to hold me to the potluck. I was truly hungry and so I wanted real food. I ate a breakfast burrito and some fruit. Still hungry. Served up another breakfast burrito and realized I was full 1/2 way through. I ate a few more bites, and could sense that I was overeating so I quit. It was easy to quit because I was full. Weirdly, the thing that appealed to me most this morning was the hot chocolate. I drank three mugfuls! There are muffins and pumpkin chocolate chip bread and two kinds of cookies. All I've wanted so far is a cookie. I had one. Now I'm full and happy. It really does help knowing I could have the rest of the pumpkin loaf and 20 cookies if I wanted to. I still have a black bean salad in the fridge and I brought an apple and some crackers in case I was hungry for lunch. I don't think I will be. Instead, I'll check for boxes in the dumpster and take a nap which I need because...
I've been so tired this week. It's funny that I write so much but am still so unconscious of my emotions. I'm not sick or coming down with anything, but I am cleaning out my mother's house--the house is being sold. This is where I grew up. On a conscious level I'm totally fine with this. More than fine in fact. Relieved. Selling the house means financial relief for me and also some real emotional relief--a good family is moving in. The house can become a happy place. Hopefully happier than it was while I was growing up. And yet, I am REALLY tired. Not as tired as I was while going through Mom's death and funeral, but tired. Maybe this is tougher on me emotionally than I give it credit for--and since my mind either won't or can't process the impact, I feel it in my body and I'm tired. How often is food driven by things that I won't or can't feel or can't identify?