Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

492 A normal day and a potluck

Yesterday went well--I think. It IS hard not to be definite. But I don't believe I overate. I went out of my way to get some Ben and Jerry's icecream--there are 4 servings in that little pint at 350 cal a serving! WHEW!!! I'm calling what I did common sense, rather than the diet police--I'd eaten dinner, I wasn't hungry--this was just a "taste hunger" kind of thing. I dished some ice-crea out into another bowl so I woudn't mindlessly eat the whole thing. I was suprised that when I had dished out what looked to me like a plenty big amount, that it still wasn't nearly 1/4 of the pint. I'm hoping that was a friendly message from my body that knew it was full, making my eyes and brain think that the amount in my bowl was big. I enjoyed it and was content.

One thing to work on---I must stop saying and thinking disparaging thoughts about "those" people. You know, the ones who say they're starving and then hardly eat anything. I even mentioned them here a few days ago. Why on earth do I look down on them? I'm trying to become like them!!! Part of it is pure jealously I'm sure. But I think another part is that I value food--so maybe I show that by eating a lot of it and so I feel superior to those who haven't discovered this "value"? That's pretty silly. There are many chefs and people (thinking of the nation of France) who have much more finely tuned palettes than I do. They value food even more than me and they are thin! They value it enough not to eat vast quanitites of mediocre junk. I need to prepare myself to hear comments like, "Come on Anneli, I thought you said you were hungry" or "have a second helping" or "you don't have to be so good today." I can always say, "I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought." or, "I'm not being 'good' I'm just full---can I take a piece home?" One of my co-workers in particular is a good example for me. She's a tiny person and she's a great cook, married a huge rodeo guy and her diet is full of meat and potatoes and going out. She never watches what she eats. But I notice that sometimes her portions are small. She has a very active life, and since she is eating all the time (she likes to nibble all day), I don't think she notices that she isn't always eating a ton. She loves food and cooking, but she exemplifies IE. I don't think she can weigh more than 105--which is perfect for her height. She could be a model anytime. I don't dismiss her style of eating as missing out.

In fact, today we had a potluck brunch at work and this co-worker ate quite a few sweets! More than I did! I only had a granola bar and some milk for breakfast to hold me to the potluck. I was truly hungry and so I wanted real food. I ate a breakfast burrito and some fruit. Still hungry. Served up another breakfast burrito and realized I was full 1/2 way through. I ate a few more bites, and could sense that I was overeating so I quit. It was easy to quit because I was full. Weirdly, the thing that appealed to me most this morning was the hot chocolate. I drank three mugfuls! There are muffins and pumpkin chocolate chip bread and two kinds of cookies. All I've wanted so far is a cookie. I had one. Now I'm full and happy. It really does help knowing I could have the rest of the pumpkin loaf and 20 cookies if I wanted to. I still have a black bean salad in the fridge and I brought an apple and some crackers in case I was hungry for lunch. I don't think I will be. Instead, I'll check for boxes in the dumpster and take a nap which I need because...

I've been so tired this week. It's funny that I write so much but am still so unconscious of my emotions. I'm not sick or coming down with anything, but I am cleaning out my mother's house--the house is being sold. This is where I grew up. On a conscious level I'm totally fine with this. More than fine in fact. Relieved. Selling the house means financial relief for me and also some real emotional relief--a good family is moving in. The house can become a happy place. Hopefully happier than it was while I was growing up. And yet, I am REALLY tired. Not as tired as I was while going through Mom's death and funeral, but tired. Maybe this is tougher on me emotionally than I give it credit for--and since my mind either won't or can't process the impact, I feel it in my body and I'm tired. How often is food driven by things that I won't or can't feel or can't identify?

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