One of the problems with exploring the roots of an addiction is that it's so embarrassing!!!Can I really be so shallow and silly and faithless?? Apparently I can and it's a horrible thought!! So---today I haven't been honoring my fullness very well at all. What's wrong? I'm honestly not sure, but here's what I think it might be, sad to say!
I distrust happiness! Yesterday, for possibly the first time in my life, I got news of my family that wasn't awful. Dad is doing better! He feels encouraged and happy. Lisa seems pleased with my efforts. The Sherlocks are doing wonders with Mom's house. We can celebrate Dad's birthday on the day leaving me my weekend free to run the half-marathon. I've been planning our Disneyworld trip. I did offer up what is perhaps the most shallow prayer of my life a while ago--asking God that if it's possible, I would really like this Disneyworld trip to be a good one--that I could go free of feeling burdened with my family. I'd also like good health and stamina. And I feel as though my prayer will be answered! So what's the problem? I think I have my heart set too much on this trip. I've wanted to go to Disneyworld my whole life, thanks to Catherine's discount, we can really do this trip right. It's 10 1/2 days of pure Disney bliss. I think I might be overeating today out of some subliminal worry that something is going to happen to mess this up. My family will blow up emotionally, or someone will die, or one of us will get sick, or my knee will go out. Good grief!!! I have ZERO control over any of that (except maybe getting sick, and I can only do my best there). I have been blessed and helped over and over and over and over again. Surely I can trust that God will help me with this trip. If something does go wrong--well, so be it. I can also trust that God had a good reason for that too. But really, I think I need to remember the famous serenity prayer. Also, just take one day at a time. Today. A good day!! The weather is beautiful and I can work on my Halloween costume when I get home. Work is good. There is plenty of joy to be had today--not just next month when it's time for the trip. I think I feel a little bit better for having written this out. :)