Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.



The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!







Thursday, July 26, 2012

485 finshed book

Well, I finished the book, "Intuitive Eating". The ending was disappointing--there were examples of success, but they were all extreme examples of recovering anorexics and bulemics. I guess the message was that if these people can recover, I can too--but I would have preferred more specific help things like "rare" eating. How do I go somewhere unique and not overeat when I know that I literally will never have the chance to eat this food again ever? Or even if it's not entirely unique but things like Christmas which only come once a year? I know I've answered those questions for myself many times in this blog, but I'd like more help.

Which brings up another "benefit" of being on a standard type diet--you know whether or not you're doing well!! I'm not really sure if yesterday went well or not and that's disconcerting to me.

Some of the other "benefits" the book brought up which I had never thought about are these. With a standard diet there is the excitement of hope. There's the excitment of results as measurable on the scale--especially at the beginning. There's the sense of belonging to the great American dieting group--everyone's on a diet. At the begining there's the self-esteem that comes from doing something about a problem--and it helps that I can point to that something which is concrete. Dieting also creates excitement about food--my favorite thing--I look forward to eating it. Also, there is the excitement of the "forbidden" foods. I never thought about that! I don't know how much I actually respond to the "forbidden" idea--I mean, I never eat just because it is forbidden--but there's no question that I eat BIG when I get a chance and really enjoy it because I don't know when I'll have another excuse to go to a restaraunt or have a big meal. Even failure on a diet is somewhat comforting--when I fail I have "permission" to indulge. Also, I've been overweight my whole life. This is the only reality I know and it's comfortable.

I'll be re-reading the principles of the book many times. Also working on the LDS 12 steps and some of the literature from over-eater's anonymous. Those work well with intuitive eating. OA especially talks about "abstinence" defined as not eating in an addictive way. I like that. There are many ways to eat cookies--sometimes I eat them in a normal way, other times I'm clearly escaping something and it isn't obvious just from my actions if I'm misusing those cookies. I think I'll try and write out anything I do that I'm pretty sure is a move in a positive direction as well as explore the fuzzier areas.

I took the book's advice yesterday and BOUGHT SOME CLOTHES THAT FIT. I've been going around in these gigantic capri's that I bought last year. I like the concept that respecting your body is respecting your body--so dress yourself however you like with clothes that fit you as you are now, not as you wish you were. That's why I haven't replaced these clothes long ago--I was on ww--I was sure to be thinner soon--why waste the money? It's funny the book mentions underwear specifically--I have some that are from 40 pounds ago. Time to get some new undies! I got 3 pairs of capris for summer. Tops were more difficult. I didn't buy any because I didn't want to buy any in an xlarge size. Silly. I know better than just about anyone that clothing sizes don't mean a thing--but when I first began fitting into plain large tops that was exciting and I vowed I'd never wear an x-large again. mmmmm--truth is, that it's a rare plain large that really fits. I'm kind of between sizes, but it's hard to eat my words. However, being the rebellious soul that I am, and life being what it is--I bet if I go ahead and buy some cute tops that fit now, I might not be wearing them long. Anyway, I'm at work in pants that fit and I feel slim and pretty rather than baggy and frumpy. It feels good.

Last night was a little on the fuzzy side. I knew I was hungry when I came home--so I had a banana muffin and some milk before shopping. I had been sort of planning all day to have some homemade rocky-road ice-cream because I could--so it's hard to know if I really wanted it or not when the time came. Well, yes, I wanted it--but that's because I might have called it quits on dinner too soon--I made stuffed portabellos--and I quit after eating one--not so much because I was full I think, but because I wanted to eat ice-cream without overeating, and I wanted one to take to work today. I think the result was that I had a much bigger bowl of ice-cream than I normally would have eaten. Maybe. I did also eat some crackers and cheese between dinner and the ice-cream just because I did think dinner was on the way light side. Fuzzy. I don't know whether I did well or not. Right now tho--I KNOW I'm doing well. I was a little hungry awhile ago and had an apple and a couple of fig newtons. Result was that I wasn't hungry for an earlier lunch. That was 45 minutes ago. I didn't just eat lunch on auto-pilot. My schedule allowed me to wait for hunger today and I did. NOW I'm hungry, and NOW I'm going to sign off here and have lunch.

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