Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.

The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

466 A reminder about love.

Stephonie's comment the other day left a link to a WONDERFUL blog. Check out the post she recommended at http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/ In this post a woman who has lost 135 pounds talks about what she misses. In my opionion she nails it right on the head as far as missing the glorious free food-for-all of life. I totally get this. I LOVE to eat, and I love looking forward to the next thing I'm going to eat, and I love the idea that there are seconds and thirds and then something else yet to eat. In fact, this whole blog is about the quest to lose weight while still holding on to precisely these feelings. For me the joy of feasting is simply something I do not want to live without. I'm willing to live with it in moderation--but to never feast again? That feels to me like never seeing a sunset or going on vacation again. What I really appreciated about her post was in the second and third parts though--she talked about what she loves now that she's so much lighter, but the important thing was the respect she gave herself at all points in her life whether she was big or small. She didn't reject her bigger self or feel disgusted by or disappointed by her big self. She is wise enough to realize that she's always been the same person all along. She says it much better than that, so check out the link. This is something I really struggle with. Even though I know full well there are many parts of me that aren't perfect, I just HATE to admit it. I hate this to the point where it's difficult to change even my hair or my clothing because that means I have to ADMIT that my hair or clothing or whatever can be improved. It means facing up to the fact that maybe I've been walking around for years looking like a frump and I don't like that. It's actually more comfortable to remain a frump while getting constant verifications that people still love me--I guess in that way I can retain the illusion that I look they way I imagine I look (terrific) rather than look in the mirror, accept whatever reality I see there and improve it. Completely irrational I know. And this is slowly changing. Also, thank heavens, this weird disconnect seems limited to my appearance. I have no problem acknowledging problems of character an working on those or trying new things. For example--I'm thrilled that I've begun to run 5K races and walk 1/2 marathons. I think this is so great! I don't criticize myself for not having done this all my life--of course, I should have been more active when I was young, but I wasn't and I was still a great person. I'm just glad I've discovered this now. That's the attitude I need toward improvements in the weight loss area. I look better now than I used to. I could look better still. So what? I was a lovable person then, I'm a lovable person now, and I'll be lovable at my ideal weight too. I imagine this kind of thinking is a big problem for dieters. I really hate it when the Biggest Loser program sets up contestants to show so much loathing for their former fat selves. I think for many of us there are very good reasons for being the size we are. And overeating, while not the best way to deal with problems, is a whole lot better than overdrinking, drugs, abuse, suicide, or withdrawal into a host of mental disorders. How dare the Biggest Loser or any person criticize someone's weight and imply that they would be a better person thin??!! They will be a healthier person, and that's worth striving for, but better? I'm absolutely convinced that making improvements in any part of our lives can only be done from a platform of love. I suppose you can force a little short term change with criticism, shame and hate, but it will always backfire.

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