238 Fat thinking

I'm so glad I'm keeping this blog.  Maybe someday it will help someone. Once I've lost 50 pounds someone can read this and think, "If efforts this lame were successful maybe I shouldn't give up just because I blew my diet today."  In the meantime it helps me. I've lost a total of 42 pounds--22 since blogging here and 20 from before that with efforts no less lame.  CAN be done and I will keep at it  until I win.  Yesterday I had a great day. Today my breakfast and dinner will be on track--it's lunch that's the problem---the institute Christmas luncheon--serving only my biggest weakness--appetizers. I have no intention of doing anything moderate about it other than eating as many veggies as I can. I suppose thinking that I must indulge in the appetizer buffet IS fat thinking, but since I'm not really willing to deal with that, it wasn't what I was thinking when I titled this blog. No, the fat thinking was the pumpkin bread. I had to go to a class today and pass out evaluations for the students to fill out. The teacher had made chocolate chip pumpkin bread for the class. This was NOT a part of my plan for the day, but (here's the fat thinking) since I was going to have a rich lunch anyway...  Silly.  The fat thinking was further compounded by the fact that the teacher was the lady who led last year's walking group and talked a lot about intuitive eating. Well!!  Since I intuitively wanted the pumpkin bread--then that further justified my eating it.  So I did.  Truth was I don't think I did intuitively want it. I wasn't hungry, it didn't sound exceptionally appealing, it's just that pumpkin bread always sounds good so down it went.

238 Cheetos

Hey!  Amazingly I did not gain any weight this weekend.  I have no idea how that happened--I recklessly indulged in all of my bad habits--things like grabbing a handful of nuts everytime I passed through the kitchen--stuff like that. And the cheeseball....Darn it.  It's always the cheeseball that gets me.  I'll simply have to have it more often so it isn't such a rarity in my life.  I have to admit though it is with some degree of relief that I return to more moderate ways today. I really don't like feeling stupified with fats and sugars---and I REALLY don't want to throw away all my hard work.  I'm taking today's weight as a pure gift and moving forward, and today's menu sounds great to me.  Breakfast--cream of wheat cereal made with milk and topped with raspberries and splenda. Lunch--a "cup of soup" a roast beef deli wrap, olives, a dill pickle, a broiled jalapeno with cream cheese, and just a few cheetos.  Darn the cheetos!! They are not all created equally!  We once bought a bag where the serving size was 21 and the points were 3.  I noticed last night that the serving size on this bag was only 15 puffs.  FIVE points!  I can't decide if I'm glad I double checked or not, but in any case I brought only 3 points woth with me today.  It's cold, but not too cold, so I walked to work.  I need to get back to the strength training as well, but realistically, I probably won't until after Christmas.  Just now I'm overwhelmed with getting ready for Christmas early, planning out Hawaii, and dealing with family, and finishing my stats class. (Last lab on Wednesday hooray!).  Of course doing the strength training will help considerably with stress--one thing at a time. If I can get the food under control that will be a big step forward.  It helps that me and Dave went through the fridge and threw a lot of it out last night.

235 Thanksgiving

Well, what can I say? Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I love it. For me the holidays are about joy, and abundance of all kinds--food included. It's almost noon today and I haven't eaten yet.  I will soon though--but probably not as terribly as one might expect--the big downfall is the cheeseball and crackers.

I'm afraid this blog might become quite depressing over the next year. Mom's tumor is back and she rested for most of yesterday.  This will be the last holidays that we get to have her. Losing my mother makes me sad. Dealing with the aftermath of both houses--makes me both frightened and very angry. Dad's house would fit right into any reality show.  But this blog is about my real life and succeeding in a difficult task. It would be lovely if I could lose weight in a nice stress-free bubble, but I can't.  These next few years are going to involve tremendous upheavals--death, drugs, disability, evictions, a vast amount of clean-up and heaven only knows what else. I resent my father and sister for dumping all of their problems into mine and Lisa's laps because they have been too lazy to deal their problems themselves. I feel victimized and furious. But okay.  That's what life handed me, and my job is to grow past the crisis--become less victimized, less furious and more filled with love and charity. In short, I intend to win this fight. However wretched my family, I can choose happiness and success in weight loss or anything else. 

233 Not bad

Okay!!  The day before Thanksgiving and I weigh 188.  I can live with that---no matter how much I eat tomorrow I wont gain more than a pound or two. And paradoxically, as soon as I state here that I just want to hold the line until after the holidays--I find that I'm not looking forward to overeating as much as I thought. I got the new Cooking Light magazine and the recipies sound amazing. There's even a sample 7 day plan--which is totally impractical, but it sounds appealing to eat a wide variety of good things (great things if you actually made everything from the magazine), and weirdly the smaller portions sound appealing too!!!  Whatever!--Today I give up trying to figure out my rebellious mind.  I will spend the day cooking pies with Catherine with frequent forays into the living room to play wii dance.

232 New Plan

Ok--I've been searching high and low for motivation and it just isn't there. Course it doesn't help that the day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'd still love to break 180 before Hawaii, but to my great irritation I honestly don't want to do that as much as I don't want to engage in the behaviors that would make that possible.   FRUSTRATING!!!  So, here's the new plan. DON'T GAIN WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAYS.  I'm enjoying myself wholeheartedly for Thanksgiving day but using some restraint the day before and after. I will count points as faithfully as I can manage until we go to Hawaii--won't worry about the luau at the Polynesian Cultural Center, but otherwise will do my best to keep a lid on things and get plenty of exercise and eat lots of pineapple. New Years Day I hope to be renewed and join the rest of the country in the quest for fitness. So--GOAL---weigh 187 or less on New Year's Day.  I have a sinking feeling that this will present more than enough of a challenge.

231 senate lunch

Today's challenge--the free lunch at the student senate meeting. Last time they had those delicious sandwiches that look like they ought to be filling but just aren't! Got a good night's sleep, brought the big cup for water back to work and will get my walking in. Happily am wearing my very nice wool lined pants that I bought a long time ago at the DI of all places.  When I first got them I couldn't even get them buttoned.  Now they not only button, but the pleats lay flat.  Nice!  I'm going to join the ZERO project at work--meaning gaining zero weight over the holidays.  Oddly, I'm just not that worried about Thanksgiving. If I feast from the day before Thanksgiving until Jan 1st, sure I'll be in trouble, but Feasting for the big day and the day after? then feasting on Christmas day have never caused me problems.  It's being cautious about the rest of the time that's hard. :) 

230 Body reaction

LONG day yesterday.  I took the Ford to the doctor--I think it's a starter problem, and I just pray the problem is cheap. It was a good decision because I needed to exercise and the walk home from the mechanics was just the thing. Then I called my drug addict sister to see if I could take her out to dinner. Then planned and did the Thanksgiving shopping.  Oh my. The house is full of butter and sugar and chocolate, but not really anything to eat. Thanksgiving is fun. Then I went to SLC to take my sister out--she called just as I was leaving and said she was too sick to go. Very well might have been true. I went down anyway to talk to my other sister.  As it turned out it saved both money and calories. ZERO appetite. It was good to talk to Lisa and her roommate Kristin--who is one of the most tremendous people I've ever known.  For the moment there doesn't seem to be a great deal we can do for my nephew, but there might be some very good things we can do overall. It was a good conversation, and I'm coward enough to be very relieved that we don't have to drag my nephew kicking and screaming out of the house just before the holidays. 

I've been a little more aware of how my body and mind process emotional trauma. For one thing, my mind can't/won't absorb it all at once. I felt a literal ache in my heart. Also, I'm escaping into happy things in the form of the Anne of Green Gables series--haven't read them in years and they're just the anecdote now.  I didn't want dinner, and when I got home even though it was 11:30, I needed time to decompress. I put on my all time favorite movie--the six volume Pride and Prejudice (again pure escapism) and wrapped a few presents. Actually went to bed about 1:00 a.m. Woke up at 7:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I'm a real 8-9 hour person normally. I picked up the house, wrapped presents and forgot to call someone for church. I haven't been particularly sad---my mind is replaying certain parts of last night, but there is not a great deal of emotion attached. I think I'm a little bit numb. I appreciated church although most of it seemed to be bouncing off of me. But I read the 23rd psalm last night and again at sacrament and I am amazed at how literally true it is. I was tired, but I did not sleep in church (an unfortunate problem I sometimes have). After church I drove to the airport to pick up Dave. GOOD to have him back. We had dinner and now it's almost 9 and I am truly tired. I'm going to bed early and am sure I'll be in better spirits tomorrow.  Food-wise is interesting too--I want sugar and chocolate--but not unreasonable amounts of it. On the contrary--I wanted the things I've been used to eating the last 230 days.  THAT signifies some real food changes I think.