So glad

200 today--that's encouraging. But I'm not really 200. Probably it's a few pounds more--I weighed low, because yesterday was a flavor point day and BOY was I starved!! I'm incredibly grateful that I don't have to do insane programs like that unless I want to. FP is helpful from time to time. It's good for me to have a salad for lunch and fish for dinner from time to time. But it really was too low to keep up. Today is a Hungry Girl day--much easier to keep up than FP, but I'm still hungry. We're going out to dinner tonight and I intend to enjoy it--which will put my weight up to 202 or 203, but as long as it's trending downwards, I'm good.

I just keep thinking about others who have it so much harder than I do. Who have to be so strict with their intake. It's a good illustration to me of how being obedient sets you free. The skinniest girl in my office never has to count calories or worry about her weight. She is obedient when it comes to food---she eats whatever she wants with an eye toward good nutrition and STOPS when she knows she's had enough. Because she can stop, she is free to be thin without undue stress.  

I have trouble with the stopping part. Because I am not entirely willing to be obedient and use common sense when it comes to food, I must use additional rules and restrictions to keep me from blowing up to gigantic sizes. It's like being a little kid, who must be confined to the backyard, because they don't know better than to run out into the street.

But THANKFULLY, MERCIFULLY I AM willing to be at least somewhat obedient. I can and do stop sometimes. I do have many good habits, and there are some foody things I simply wouldn't do (like eat a dozen doughnuts in one sitting). And because I am somewhat willing to be obedient to the laws of good health, I get to be somewhat free. I get to enjoy food!! I CAN have a cookie, or a restaraunt or a vacation. I CAN eat things that I like EVERY SINGLE DAY even!!

Someday I will learn to be obedient with things more important than food  and then I'll be free in every sense.

Well All Right!

FABULOUS trip to New York. Check out travelenvelope.blogspot.com for details on that. Food-wise, I did much better than at Disneyland. I didn't hold back, but I didn't overstuff either, and I walked miles and miles and miles and miles. Came back at 206--which considering that at the last restart I was 205, isn't bad! Got right back on track but legitimately picked out a FREE day. I used it yesterday because it was pioneer day--a big deal in Utah. Had chips and dip, loaded potatoes and too many chocolate chip cookies and was still 204 today. I think/hope the worst is over as far as food disasters go.

It works

Down three pounds and did all right on the fourth of July. Not stupendous, but really all right. Saturday was fine. It was a 1500 cal day, but I didn't feel like being that strict, so I worked out for 1.5 hours and earned 300 extra cal. Just what I wanted. I'm going to try hard not to go crazy in NYC. I want to focus on the sites. I also don't want to overeat so much that I don't enjoy much of the food because I'm still over-full. That's going to be a challenge, but worth it I think.

Forgot the banana!

OopS!!!  I did great yesterday on flavor point. Once more, I got confirmation that when I eat "real" old-fashinoned type food, I fill up. For dinner I made orange tilapia, bulger wheat, beans and a salad. The tilapia fillets were small, so I made two for each of us. I was done 1/2 through the meal--partially from nutrition, and partially because those foods don't stimulate cravings, so I was done.

I need to eat more food that doesn't stimulate cravings. The problem is that I don't CRAVE those foods! I can't imagine wanting tilapia more than another food. Mom used to make all kinds of stuff I didn't particuarly like---liver and onions, tuna casserole, cheese souffle etc. In fact, probably MOST nights was food I wasn't over the top thrilled about. It was just dinner time.  That's really changed since I became the cook. I cook GOOD food. Even when it's healthy, it's food that I get excited about. I don't know that I'm quite ready to change this. For now, it's good to know and to watch out for.

1600 cal today. I'm starving, but mostly because I forgot to bring the banana to eat with my lunch. I'll head home and make a dinner and eat 80 calories more than I would otherwise. it's nice to know that I don't HAVE to feel this way. I could have gone upstairs and bought a banana. I could have eaten part of the granola bar in my cupboard. On the way home today I think I'll devote the time to thrashing out what I will do when I feel genuinely hungry but have already eaten  my share for the time. Do I try to tough it out? (not a great track record), Do I have something healthy? (spins out of control pretty fast).  What would be a good "non-craveable" food?  Maybe weight watchers famous 0 point soup. Except that I might not need it very often. Could I freeze some? It would have come in handy today.

A new start and I don't deserve it

Restart yesterday. Starting weight 205. Sigh. Really though, I hope I remember this when I work and try and sweat and don't lose what I think I deserve to lose. Because bad as 205 is, I deserved MUCH worse than that considering all I've been eating. To a large degree, weight is completely arbitrary. If I work and don't quit, the day will come that I weigh a good deal less than I do today. If I don't then I will eventually weigh a good deal more. Right now, I'm on my way out the door to earn a few extra calories for dessert.

Yesterday I did great--mostly because of the help of the Lord, but partly because I was still full. It was an active day for me. I got up and walked a 5K. Then I ran errands for a couple of hours with C. Then we went to Cherry Hill water park for the first time on the evening discount pass so it was only 2 hours, but I was pretty tired. So, I earned a bunch of extra calories.

thick blood

I gave blood yesterday--or at least tried to. I've never had trouble giving blood and I like to donate. I feel good because I know my blood is clean and healthy and can really be used. But yesterday--wow! I don't know if it was due to an inexperienced technician, or my failure to squeeze the little ball, or what it really felt like---that my blood was too thick and gooey from all the junk I've been eating to move through the tube. First off, my iron was a little low, but they spun it twice and I passed the second time. Then they put the needle in and my blood went for about three inches down the tube and stopped. They had to get a blood pressure cuff and twiddle around with the needle to get it really going. All was well until the very end when I just stopped. They could not get my blood to go anymore and eventually gave up. My blood bag was not quite full.  Somehow I just can't shake the feeling that had I been eating better this would not be a problem.

I've decided that I really don't understand the negative consequences of eating poorly. I must research to find this out. Maybe it will help me desire less junk if I really understood what it was doing to my heart and liver etc.

Expectations

I guess I'll start trying again on Saturday. (That's when we go shopping so I can plan out my meals). What's different this time? Nothing that feels very positive, except that Dave will probably do more on this path with me. I think I've let go of most of my expectations. I don't expect that this will be easy, or satisfying, or filling. I do expect crashing boredom, anxiety, and deprivation. I don't expect weight loss in any kind of time frame that I will find acceptable. I expect to feel left out and angry.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I hope it's for self-mastery. I hope it's to be more like the Savior, who I can't imagine being tripped up by addictions. Maybe it's just sheer habit, I hope not. I expect a dreary and never ending slog. There will be no "exceptions" other than Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. If I have the calories, that's fine. If not, then that's tough. I expect to deal with hunger. Worse, I expect to deal with emotions. Maybe in dealing with them I'll become stronger. Maybe I'll just become depressed. But I guess it's nice to know that I seem to be incapable of giving up entirely.