Survived the day yesterday. Today's challenge is a harder, and so far I'm not succeeding very well, but at least I'm conscious of what the challenge is. The challenge is to LET GO. It's ok to change. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok!!! You'd think after all these years of struggle, the one message I'd have internalized by now is that it's ok to change. NO!!! I haven't got that message at all.
This morning, I wasn't as excited as I thought I'd be to be able to eat anything I want. I wasn't all that particuarly hungry. The correct response, when one is not especially hungry is to eat a small amount. But the drive to eat according to habit rather than hunger is strong. Especially when I've been looking forward to not being hungry. It wasn't a crazy silly breakfast--I had a lite bagel, and a banana with peanut butter. I really could have skipped the peanut butter and I certainly could have skipped the chocolate shavings I put on top. But I've been missing chocolate the last three days, so even though I didn't really care if I had chocolate I had it anyway. That's so weird! I also had a large glass of milk. The milk was a good choice. I both wanted it psychologically and needed it physically. I've been careless about taking my calcium pills and the foot cramps came back last night. You can bet I took the pills this morning. The banana is also helpful. Now I'm at work. I was hunting around the parking lot for the car because there is a picture in the trunk I need. Couldn't find it. Stopped back by my office to make sure Catherine wasn't waiting for me, then went back out to look some more, but not before I snagged a hershey's kiss to eat on the way. It was while I was walking back to the lot that the thought first occurred to me that it was ok to change. It's OK not to eat chocolate just because "I can." It's ok to eat small portions if that's what I want.
Believing that and acting on that is something else again. I'm back in the office now and a little bit hungry. I know full well that there will be chips and queso dip in 90 minutes, but I'm in the mood for a little something now and I brought crackers and cheese. I'm eating some of that right now as I type. That's just plain weird.
The only solution I can think of is to keep trying. It's a very positive sign that I wasn't wanting to go crazy with food this morning. I just need to learn to trust and let go. The food is going to be there--or rather, the opportunity for indulgence is always going to be there. Even if the apocolyse comes and I'm starving to death-indulgence will be there because at that point all food will be an indulgence and I will be searching hard for it and enjoying when I find it. Till then, I am surrounded by cupcakes and queso dip and I can trust that this sort of stuff will always be around, so I can relax and let it go if I don't want it.
Losing weight in spite of myself.
I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.
The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.
There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.
Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!
No comments:
Post a Comment