What I can do this week

Ever since I found out that I have arthritis in my knees, I've dreaded that it might someday go to my hands. It's gone to my right hnad.  That, combined with the fact that it was Friday, and I'm still irritated, sent me straight to the Pie for pizza and breadsticks and a shake (I didn't eat all that much of the shake---I made up for it in breadsticks). No question, carbs make a person feel better. But not for long. I'm really unhappy feeling fat and out of control. 

I complained about my lack of success to the doctor. She quickly stomped on the idea of metformin and liraglutide. She says metformin tends to make you gain weight. She seemed to genuinely empathize but said to keep trying because--I can be a healthy 200 pounds, or an unhealthy 200 pounds. That makes sense. And even though I haven't lost anything, I WAS feeling better. 

Two thoughts--Id like to keep flavor point days, but I'm wondering if a big part of the problem was that I'd have an FP day of about 1450 cal--followed up with a 2000 cal, or an unlimited high protein day or something. Was I priming my body to hang onto everything it could? 

Second thought more serious. I've been feeling betrayed by my body that I didn't lose anything. I've been thinking that I don't like my body very much. I need to work on this. When I was little, I was always too tall, too fat and too awkward. I had crooked teeth and my mom braided my hair every day. I wore glasses until I finally got contacts at 14. I felt big and clumsy and I hated feeling like that. I didn't know how to play any sports and I couldn't run fast or do anything athletic (I suspect a touch of asthma), and I was deeply embarrassed by this. I always had a cold--ALWAYS.  I remember being in fourth grade when I first heard about women's periods--I was horrified and disbelieving. That wild story was confirmed in 5th and sixth grade by the school nurse. I looked to that day with dread. My first experience wasn't too bad, but after that I was always horribly sick on the first day---and I mean horribly, it was as though my back had gone bad--I would literally rather go through the same amount of time in labor than revisit any of those days. "luckily," I thought, I would skip months. With the teen years came acne to go with my limp brown hair. And worst of all in my 20's there appeared facial hair--a symptom of PCOS.  No, I don't really care much for my body. It's difficult for me to see it as a gift.  But, not losing weight these past two months has brought these feelings to the surface and I can see that's important.