Exhaustion

Two posts today. All day yesterday I knew what I was going to post but it got trumped by the scale freak out. EXHAUSTION!  There has been a nasty bout of the flu going around and yesterday I was really thinking that I might be the next victim. But then I realized that no, I had just eaten normally--with FAR less sugar than I've been inhaling lately and I'm just having a plain old-fashioned sugar crash. I've been tired for days--and I really think it's pure bad eating.  I feel better today, but today and tomorrow are "FREE".  I might have another smaller crash and then I'll be glad to get back on track. It's weird to be happy about being on track, but it really does feel good. Not as good as huge amounts of pizza and cookies feel--but good.

End of the year weigh

For all my mighty words, I did break down and weigh myself today. The reasoning was good though---I think.  The lowest point I hit on weight watchers was 183.  I'd like to get there or near it by my birthday in April by using my own methods. But what if I don't?  What if I weigh in on April 1 and I weigh 195? That would be so discouraging!  But wait a minute.  How badly off am I?  What if my weight has soared to 210? 215 or even 220?  I certainly feel fat enough and everything is tight.  What if I really do weigh 215 now and on April 1 weigh 195?  That would be a tremendous success, but I wouldn't know it if I don't know my starting point.

So, I got scale weird.  I weighed in last night before bed, because I knew however ghastly the number, at least I'd weigh a little less this morning. And right there that shows you that I give WAY too much  power to the scale. The numbers were ghastly enough--199 this morning, but not as bad as I feared.  I feel relieved. 183 is not that far away.  I looked up my last post that recorded a weight in 2012--mid December then, 195.  Sigh---I really am like the white queen, running and running with all my might to stay in the same place.  But it's a whole lot better than going the wrong way altogether.  Plus, I think this indicates that my plan IS already working! Yesterday was a gold star flavor point day. And these next few months will at least only have a normal amount of temptation.

Food Silliness

Almost to the end of food silliness--until next year.  Not that I won't have many silly days, but they will at least be more spread out. I did well over the weekend--1900 cal, 2100 cal and today is a flavor point day. It really says something about how very full I am that I'm not hungry at all. It's simply going to take some time to digest this stuff. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve--a free day. And then I'll join the rest of the US in behaving myself. Only, I hope that my plan will stick a little better since I've been working on it.  I'll weigh in in April, but I'm determined to see and feel some real improvement before then.

Butter

It was a Merry Christmas.  Will I ever learn to control my food?  I don't mean in a way to try and lose weight on Christmas day or anything--but in a way so that I'm hungry for, and can maximally enjoy all the goodies that are there!  I wasn't really hungry for breakfast--but ate the cinnamon roll casserole and orange rolls just the same, wasn't hungry for lunch, but ate a banana (a concession to having something wholesome, a lot of cheeseball and crackers, some olives, pickles and homemade bread).  Wasn't exactly hungry for dinner--but body was yelling for some real food, so I enjoyed the ham and mashed potatoes, but was way too full to really enjoy the mincemeat pie and brie puff.

This morning, I was still too full for breakfast. I walked to work (yay!), and am just now feeling a bit hungry---or rather a bit as though I've digested a few things. I brought some cuties and some frosted mini-wheats. But Dan brought sourcream cake doughnuts. My absolute favorite! I think I'll have one or two even though I know I'd feel better if I didn't. How do people do this? I love those kinds of doughnuts! I won't feel bad if I eat them, just better if I didn't.  But not enough better not to eat them. Again, I'm not worrying about the calories or anything on the day after Christmas, but it's the principle of the thing.

Happy Holidays

Um yeah, I think I'm off for the holidays. Cheesecake factory was great. None of us wanted dinner, but we finished off a bucket of movie popcorn (darn, I did have the movie popcorn) which we usually don't do.  I got a bit of an upset today--I offended a gay guy in my ward by making what I thought was a very mild opinion on his page. Blech. I hate feeling like I can't express my opinion, but I also hate offending people

Caramel unraveling

Ugh! I did fine, until a had "just a taste" of caramel popcorn toward the end of the work day.  It wasn't even that good of popcorn. One taste led to another.  I had a couple of handfuls.  The day could have been saved, but we got Pie pizza--that also could be ok, but if you get pie pizza you have to get cheezy bread--and there is no saving that!  I had much more than was good for me.  Worse to come, Catherine's friend sent her a top secret chocolate chip cookie recipe. Naturally she (with my urging) had to make some of those.  I had--5? 6? with milk.  

I feel overstuffed and a little icky this morning. I'm glad that I'm not liking this feeling. However, I know myself well enough to know that today isn't going to be any better. We're going to the Cheesecake factory. I've had in mind for over a month that I would eat what I wanted to there (buffalo blasts!).  I don't want to worry about food today. It's a happy day of beautiful Christmassy shopping and lights and celebration.  I just hope I can keep in mind that it will be a happier day still if I don't feel over stuffed.  At least I'm going to do my darndest to get to the restaraunt BEFORE we go to the movie--so I don't have BOTH a ridiculous meal AND movie popcorn.  

Looking forward to the start up!

Today is 1900.  I'm glad I only ate 1/2 the Costa Vida order the other day--that has 1000 cal all by itself.  I have some mixed feelings about the upcoming week. Part of me is really glad to be counting today--it feels good to be in control even though the kitchen here is still full of yummy things from yesterday's potluck. Next week is Christmas. I'm not going to draw slips tonight. All days next week will be "not counting but in control" except for Christmas Eve and Day which will be free.  New Year's Eve will also be free.  part of me is excited about all the good food, but the other part of me is really happy to be starting up my plan again in the New Year with many less temptations and distractions (other than the bleak boredom of Jan and Feb which is also a challenge). That's exciting that I feel that way--usually, I'm only too happy to run away from any eating plan.

Bonus for the today and yesterday--exercise is back, in the form of snow-walking. Faster and easier for me to walk to work today rather than to chop through the ice in the driveway. But it wasn't easy walking. I'm tired. It was a good core exercise.

Stopped half-way!

I wonder if there's a problem writing a diet blog while I'm munching on shortbread cookies?  Probably.  But today is a deliberate free day. It's an office potluck and my office does potlucks well.  Today's problem is going to be guilt. It's horrible driving outside--Dave wasn't even able to drive me all the way to work--super scary. But we're supposed to be at Dad's for his Christmas party tonight. No matter how awful the roads, I'm going to feel guilty if we don't go down. Naturally, things don't look very bad to Dad who is safe at home (and thank goodness for that!). I hope he is able to realize that I'm not trying to find an excuse, but that it is really dangerous.

Anyway. I was so proud of myself yesterday! "Not counting, but in control".  Dave took some takeout from Costa Vida to Catherine for her birthday dinner (poor kid had to work). And he brought me some too. I only ate HALF of it!!!!  I could easily have eaten it all, but I was full enough and Catherine's friend, Kaitlin sent some tollhouse cookiebars and I knew that once I had one or two of those with some milk, I'd be plenty full. So I stopped!!

I'm also feeling un-justifiably slim, because I foolishly stayed up late watching a show about a poor woman who weighed over 1,000 pounds! I've never seen anything like that. Poor thing! Her body was literally shaped like Jabba the Hut although her face was pretty.  But they got her in the hospital and she's lost 800 pounds.  Really neat to see--she can walk again. Just goes to show you should never never give up.

Survived 1600

Boy! Glad yesterday's over and that today is "not counting, but in control." I'm feeling much thinner today. Don't know if I really am, but it's a helpful illusion so I'm embracing it.

1600 calories was tough for me yesterday, but I made it.  I hate that, "I'm barely full" feeling. It feels one step away from ravenous. And there's nothing worse than feeling ravenous and knowing that there's not going to be enough food to make that feeling go away. But I love feeling as though I'm making progress--I hope I am. This plan has been such a good mix of eating lightly and the relief of being able to eat more.

The idea is not to go crazy today, but it does feel so good to be snacking on goldfish as I write this, and to know that I have a really satisfying lunch (chicken with buffalo sauce, blue cheese crumbles, peas and a roll) ahead of me. I also happen to have a package of oatmeal here if I get really hungry, and I finally get to eat those homemade caramels. And actually, my lunch is a very healthy, reasonably caloried one, so I feel great about that.  Tomorrow is a free day. I really think because of that, I'll be able to eat a reasonable dinner. Especially, if I actually feel satisfied with lunch.

Applebees

Wow.  Let me again express for the hundredth time my undying amazement that Sean of losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com was able to eat 1500 cal a day for more than two years until he reached his ideal weight. Wow. Wow. Wow.  Today, I'm aiming for 1600 cal and it feels thin indeed. I'll be able to manage I think, but only because I know that tomorrow I can relax a little--still in control hopefully, but not needing to be hungry. He never once complained of hunger. HOW????

Yesterday, was a flavor point day. But it was also a day where I needed to get a lot done--especially Christmas shopping. I realized that not only did I really not want the flavor point boring dinner, but that I honestly didn't have time to go home and fix it and still get things done.  I think I made a pretty good choice instead. I grabbed Dave and we went to Applebees and ordered off the light menu (Strategy here is to not even look at anything other than the light menu).  MUCH better feeling dinner--steak, potatoes and a sm. portobello mushroom with artichoke sauce. So the question was--was this a gold star or red star day? (BTW beginning new year--gold is best, SILVER will be second best and red will mean there was some kind of serious problem).  Part of me thought Gold--because I thought I did great in making a responsible adjustment that served my life better than being super rigid.  Part of me thought Red because at least part of the decision was motivated by simply not wanting the healthy dinner that was planned and I want to practice making healthy promises to myself and then keeping those promises.

In the end, I decided that it really was a golden day--rigidity is doomed to failure and I coped well.  However, I gave myself a red star (second best) in the end because by the time I got to Michaels crafts I was exhausted and got myself a giridelli chocolate square.  Again--a responsible dessert--and flavor point did have a dessert option that day--but not that one and I'm not sure if the dinner I ate had a lot more calories than the one I was supposed to eat. SO...A+ for effort and B+ for actual execution.

However, yesterday's intake has left me on empty for today and I can't imagine 1600 cal even coming close to filling me up.  But, let me take a leaf from Sean's book and express genuine gratitude for the food I DO have today.  All of it super yummy, varied and plentiful enough. Breakfast was frosted mini-wheats with milk (foolish choice--I know better than to eat sugary cereals, they only leave me hungry.) yogurt for a snack, tomato soup, a roll and olives for lunch, popcorn for a snack, a pork chop dinner and that still leaves room for a small dessert.

Blue cheese bacon mashed potatoes

Yum! Sunday dinner of roast beef and mashed potatoes. What could be better? When you add garlic, blue cheese and bacon to the potatoes--thanks Catherine. :)  It was a good day. 2100 calorie--which is as high as my plan goes, i did very well.  The big problem at the moment is exercise. With this freezing cold weather, it's just too cold to walk to work, and since it's the Christmas season, I'm having a hard time finding time to get any exercise (other than getting my credit card out).  Oh well, New Year's is around the corner.

Today is flavor point day. Might be a little rough going--once again I picked a day that has the black bean salad for lunch.  I like the black bean salad--which is good, since this is the third time in a row for it! Dinner is supposed to be orange cod.  It's going to be orange chicken, with bulger wheat and green beans. Sounds boring. Dessert had potential--peanut butter, honey rice krispy treats, they taste ok, but they didn't hold together at all.  Oh well, tomorrow is another day, and even though it will be low calorie, it will be food of my choosing.  The plan to get through today is to overindulge in Christmas shopping rather than food. Seems to be working well so far.

Too much of the good stuff.

Hey!  To my delight, I wasn't wanting to just inhale sweets all day. On the contrary, I was content with very little.  That's not to say that I didn't overindulge and eat more sweets than I should have, I did, but not nearly as much as thought I'd want to.

The thing that got me was the saucy meatballs. After the sweets I really just wanted real food, and I'd been wanting these meatballs for quite awhile. Even though it was not a counted day, I did figure out the calories for leftovers. I suppose calorically, dinner wasn't too crazy, but still, I really didn't need that huge heavy plateful of meatballs. Funny, I never know what will pop up and want to derail me.

Sugar Free!!

I'm proud of myself for sticking to yesterday's "No sugar!"  MUCH temptation.  Besides not having had any sugar the day before due to flavor point, and very little the previous day, so I was in sugar withdrawal, Catherine was making her fabulous cookie/brownie/ everything cake. But it's amazing what knowing that relief is in sight can do.  I knew that today I would be having all those good things, so it was ok.

However, I still gave myself a red star for the day. Star for having done great, but red because I didn't need that third piece of pizza. I probably didn't need to eat as much popcorn or grapes and cheese either, but those things were planned. The third piece of pizza was selective "forgetting" that even on days like a vegetarian day, it doesn't mean a food free for all. It still means fairly reasonable.

I don't know how reasonable today will be, but actually, I think I'm going to do pretty well.  I'll have the loaded hot chocolate and a piece of ridiculously calorie loaded cake, but at the moment I don't feel like devouring the whole cake.  I'll be super excited if I find that I'm satisfied with a reasonable amount of goodies.  But if not, and I over- indulge, I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it.

Bread

Yesterday was "Tomato Day" a perfectly good day, but not what I was in the mood for.  I think this is okay---really a good thing in fact.  Back in the '70's, when I was a kid and everyone--including me, was a lot thinner, not every meal was great. Mom made things like liver and tuna casserole because they were quick and nutritious, not because anybody had a particular craving for them. Back then, we didn't eat for our cravings. So, tomato day was a good experience getting back to that.

I had--a tomato and feta omlette with a slice of toast for breakfast.
            tomatoes and hummus for a snack
             a black bean and tomato salad with a slice of bread for lunch. --This was supposed to be whole wheat bread that I meant to bake because we have some bread dough in the freezer. But Catherine had made a different kind of homemade bread.  I didn't want to bake more bread that we didn't need.  So, I ate her bread instead.  I think that's ok.  Normally, I do have wheat bread. But any eating plan has to conform at least somewhat with real life. Also, it's been my experience that the best I can do (so long as it's really my best, not just trying to weasel in extra somehow) is good enough.
            Chips and Salsa for a snack
            Spaghetti (no meat) and whole wheat pasta for dinner with a cabbage salad and another slice of Catherine bread.
            Dessert of peaches and blueberries.

I gave myself a gold star for the day despite the bread. Again, a little difficult because I was actually full from dinner and part of me thinks I should be suffering more.  But I think the dessert was especially good. I was able to recognize that I was full and didn't want all that much, so I had a very modest helping--of just canned peaches and frozen blueberries. It was a delicious combination!  Usually, I have trouble accepting fruit as a dessert, but this was good enough that I'll have it again--probably tonight.

Today is vegetarian, no sugar.  Hooray for not counting anything, but the no sugar today is tough.  Yesterday didn't have sugar, and the day before was counted so I couldn't eat the homemade caramels at work, and today I still can't eat them!! But there's no denying it's good for me to not be eating so much sugar!  Most importantly, I don't mind.  It's hard, but it's hard in the way exercise or studying for a test is hard--I don't feel put upon or angry that I'm skipping sugar today. I'll have plenty tomorrow. But this is good. I'm missing sweets, so I probably WILL go out of my way to have sweet fruits today and the peaches and blueberries for dessert again, and it will feel really good. Which is important. It's important that good choices feel good as I eat them. And it helps them to feel good when I know I can have sweets tomorrow. Another odd benefit, I can have as much of anything today except meat and sugar. But even still, I didn't feel like packing a huge lunch. I wanted of all things, a peanut butter sandwich. Ok. And popcorn. ok. And some grapes and cheese for a snack. ok.  And that's all I felt like packing. Now it's 11:30 and I'm hungry. But that's ok. I might run upstairs and get a pop and maybe another snack...or maybe not. It's weird and good not to worry or care too much.

This next week, the week before Christmas, is going to be a challenge. No surprise there. Tomorrow we're having the family up so they can celebrate Catherine's 21'st birthday. Wednesday we're going to SLC to see zoo lights, Thursday is both my work potluck and a special dinner at Dad's.  I might have to do some doctoring when I pick the slips tonight.  Thursday is going to need to be a free day.  Tomorrow, I want to be able to indulge in the sweet stuff.  I'll see how it works out. Sunday can be a calorie count or a "not counting but in control day".  I think it's important not to pull the rug out from our Sunday dinners. Overall, I feel ok about doing the best I reasonably can these next two weeks. It IS the Christmas season.

Good ice-cream

I had a hard time giving myself the gold star yesterday because the day just wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Amazingly, those 1250 cal were enough. And since I didn't suffer much, I feel as though I must have done something wrong. Nope! Yesterday was a bit extreme--but healthy eating isn't meant to be hard. I'm convinced that God meant food to be a joy and an abundant blessing. And for most people throughout history it HAS been. It's only because the time I happen to live in is unusually sedentary age that's unfortunately combined with a huge abundance of chemically doctored, and fat/sugar/salt laden foods. But I did great yesterday and so I get that star!

Today might be a little rougher. It's tomato day. Good food, but I'm just not quite in the mood for it. I'm hoping to be successful enough with this that Dave will join me in the New Year.

Ice-cream diet!

Today's a new day and it's ice-cream diet day. Perfect for the frigid weather. :)  This is one of the purely quack diet days I have in the envelope and it's fun. I don't know why it's fun, but it is. I'm eating 1250 cal, and then Dave has made me some cherry chocolate chip ice-cream for dessert--so the day will end up at 1500 or 1600 cal.

1250 doesn't feel like much and I'm sure I'll be hungry today, but I don't care. I have enough (even two snacks), and all the food is yummy.  The more days I have where I'm eating lightly rather than heavily the better. The clam chowder tonight will feel good tonight, and ice-cream always feels good even though it's not one of my primary weaknesses.

Addict eating

Wow.  I'm in the throws of addiction today and therefore do NOT want to write. But I think that I'd better.  I was feeling so good yesterday. I did great. The flavor point portobello mushrooms were good, but not as yummy as the hungry girl receipe.  I went to bed and woke up feeling slim and healthy. And then I put on a shirt. I still have it on under my sweater--but didn't this shirt used to be loose?? It's tight across the chest. And because of that I feel fat and worried that these efforts won't do a bit of good.

So I'm trying even harder to be moderate today right? HA!! That is what a normal person would do. I just finished some flat out addictive eating.  Today is a FREE day.  So food-wise, I can have whatever I want and it's technically ok.  I made today the free day because this morning is our office Christmas breakfast (always very good) and tonight is our RS Christmas dinner.

I don't regret the Christmas breakfast. It was a buffet and I ate too much bacon and I also ate a crossaint that I didn't want. Okay. It's a free day and it's Christmas time, so I'm willing to cut myself a little slack. What wasn't ok was lunch.

It was 2:30 and I still wasn't hungry. But I brought a pizza pocket (love those) and olives (love those) and a bag of grapes and cheese chunks (been craving those) with crackers. I love all those things, and now that I've eaten them I remember that I could have eaten them tomorrow or the next day (whichever is the ice-cream diet day).  But I'd been looking forward to them today, and I wanted them today. So like a little toddler who can't wait for anything I ate them today even though I wasn't hungry! THAT is the behavior that gets me into trouble. It shouldn't be that hard to resist, but it IS!

I'd like to think that I'll be moderate at tonight's dinner. If the food's not very tempting I might be. But if it's at all good I'm sure I'll gobble it down.

This IS partly in response to the knowledge that the next two days will be lean ones--a flavor point and the ice-cream (eat 1250 cal and a bowl of ice-cream) day, so there's an element of last supper eating going on.

Next time, I'm faced with a lunch or dinner I planned on but was not hungry for, I'm going to make an effort to get online here and write out when I CAN have it. Maybe that will help me to stop.

Steak

Counting Saturday and yesterday wasn't bad at all.  I'm really liking this. I feel as though it's gently applying the brakes in a way that works with my body as well as my mind. Don't know if it's resulting in any weight loss--if so, it will be very slowly, but I know it's beneficial---at least SOME control on almost all days and SOME days of excellent control.

Today will be a very well controlled day and it has the bonus of having to get up and shovel snow. It's kind of a funny day though. Flavor Point Day 30. A day of excellent summertime food. It's freezing cold out! But I'm enjoying my snack of apple slices and yogurt.  Tomorrow is a free day---good thing too!  Work Christmas party in the morning and RS Christmas dinner in the evening.

Slippery Slope

Yesterday as difficult as anticipated. I didn't eat the krisy creme doughnuts (not so much virtue as this just doesn't happen to be a weakness of mine), but I more than made up for it with Shandel's spicy crackers--love those things. And Jennifer makes these marshmellow balls that are to die for. Dinner was at Arbys, bad by default, but at least I "only" had jalapeno poppers instead of those AND mozzarella sticks and my own order of fries. Was full enough not to want any goodies at the festival except a chocolate dipped pretzel stick. But the worst sin of yesterday was on the way home when I ate the chocolate truffle Catherine bought. It wasn't that the truffle was so terrible calorically, but that I was really more than full with sweets as well as everything else from the day. I didn't want it, didn't need it, but ate it anyway.  Gave myself a silver star--for effort but with some serious problems.

Today was the ward Christmas breakfast. One of the few times when the people were honestly much better than the food. I'm aiming for 2000 calories today. Shouldn't be a problem, even though I couldn't count the exact amount at breakfast. I wasn't much tempted by any of it (especially the gray hashbrowns).

Next week when I have some time, I'm going to find some other blogs to follow. I want inspiration. Weight-loss blogs are notoriously flaky, mine included. When things are going well, we blog. When not, we go silent. Instead, I'm going to find some athletes--maybe Olympians? Cheer them on toward their goals and maybe follow their "no excuse" kind of example and the joy at fitness brings to them.

a few too many chocolates

Truly only a few too many chocolates, but still.  Yesterday was high-protein, and I was reflecting with satisfaction on how there were some brakes applied to my free day. Too much satisfaction and too few brakes yesterday. It wasn't a bad day, I gave myself a red star.  But there was a small chocolate from the front desk, and another from my own desk, and some dark chocolate from my cupboard, and a uber-loaded hot chocolate because Catherine made chocolate on a stick that you're supposed to swirl in, and a little too much popcorn when I finally came in cold from visiting teaching and wanting nothing more than to sit by the fireplace with something. But overall, much less than I might have eaten otherwise.

Today is "not counting but in control."  Control is tough today---birthday party at work with some goodies I really like, and the festival of trees tonight--literally no healthy food there and probably just a quick stop somewhere for dinner.

An exceptional gold star

Yay!!!   Yesterday's gold star for me didn't come from rigidly following the plan--although I did that for breakfast and lunch. Dinner was supposed to be tilapia, asparagus and oven fries.  I was fully prepared to make that for myself.  Nobody at my house likes fish, so I was planning to make chicken for the others, or even let Catherine make pastrami burgers or whatever.  Instead, when I had got home Catherine had found a different receipe for tilapia--fish tacos from pinterest.  It had a delicious sounding sauce and she compared it to flavor point and her recipe actually had fewer calories. We didn't have tortillas, but we did have baked chips from corn tortillas.  I decided to let her make "fish taco nachos" instead---reasoning that the baked chips would take the place of the oven fries.  Her asparagus receipe was different, but equally healthy too.  and WOW!!  The nachos were REALLY good!  Good enough to make again even when I'm "not" trying.  And it was the best asparagus I'd ever eaten too (baked with olive oil and balsamic vinegar).

So YES!!  A gold star PLUS for yesterday!  Great recipes! Husband and daughter willingly ate a very healthy meal too. Progress toward genuinely learning to like fish and asparagus.  It doesn't get better than that!

Today is high-protien day.  Bacon and eggs for breakfast (never quite fills me up the way I think it should), but sufficient, chicken with buffalo sauce for lunch, good snacks, and I can have hot chocolate--nice when it's this cold!!!

Banana muffins

The buffet was a little smaller than last year, I didn't think I overindulged that much, but I guess I did. I was sleepy and sugar-stupified for most of the day. I didn't want any dinner either. At about 8, I decided that I probably should have something, especially since today is a flavor-point day and I didn't want to come into it overfed. I did all right. Just leftovers, I thought about having two leftover turkey burger patties, but realized that I wasn't really hungry and so just had one with a little cheese and buffalo sauce. I was pleased that even on a "free" day, something made me stop and think just a little bit. 

Today, is Flavor Point day 41. As usual, it takes a whole lot of cooking and planning, but the recipes are great. Flavor Point believes in healthy oils and it makes all the difference--not only taste and satisfaction wise, but feeling overall healthy too.  Anyway, breakfast was 2 banana chocolate chip muffins, and they are really good!  Usually baked stuff made with whole wheat is marginal, but these were great.  Lunch was very simple, but again, super tasty.  Black beans, corn, and tomatoes mixed with oil, balsamic vinegar and cumin, served on a big bed of fresh spinach and a whole wheat english muffin on the side.  I'd like some chocolate to finish it off, but I'll survive.

Later there will be a snack of baked chips and salsa. 

Dinner is not a thrill---tilapia and asparagus. But also oven-fries With oven fries, I can face a good deal. "Dessert" if I want it, will be an apple with a little lemon. That's good practice for me. Although fruits are sweet, I've never really bought the idea of a fruit as a suitable dessert.  That is a good barrier to break.  

Red Star Day

Dave reminds me that those guys eating 3200 CALORIES A DAY, HOW COME I DON'T GET TO EAT 3200 CALORIES A DAY???!!! probably did a whole lot more physical labor than I do. True. And, again, those calories did not often come in the form of rich appetizers, such as I will enjoy today.

I AM liking my new plan. Originally, I had planned today to be from the Flavor Point diet and Friday to be a free day, but I got the invitation yesterday for the LDS institute Christmas lunch buffet.  I love that luncheon! Not just the food, but the atmosphere is wonderful. I suppose in theory, it is possible to eat reasonably, but this buffet features all my big weaknesses---cheeseballs, nuts, mini-meatballs, dips, little desserts.  I'll do my best, but truthfully, my "best" isn't very good in these situations. But it's ok!  I went home and rearranged the order of the days this week.  Now today is my "Free" day.  That means that Friday will be "not counting but in control"--that's a challenge for me on pizza day, but a challenge that I can manage. Better yet, I'm happy to control myself on Friday.  I love that I don't feel as though I'm "cheating" or "blowing my diet" for today. There is a Christmas buffet, but there isn't a sense of failure, or giving up or not trying. I'm doing fine and that feels fantastic.

Yesterday, I did fine as well, but I gave myself a red star for the day (good effort but not perfect). My food actually was perfectly on track. I allotted myself a whole cup of spaghetti noodles and a whole cup of sauce for dinner--plus spaghetti squash and an english muffin.  That turned out to be a super big serving!  I was actually quite full just a little more than half-way through.  But I was entitled to the whole thing and I ate almost all of it despite being full.  I also budgeted for a small slice of cheesecake. I could have done without it, but again, I was entitled! I had Dave bring me a small piece. The piece was still bigger than what I had in mind (still very reasonable though), but I ate the whole thing.  So, technically, it was a perfect day, but because I deliberately overate, I'm calling it a red star day. Good effort and I'm justifiable proud of myself.

Super sensitive!

Yay Monday!!  Actually, I got back on track yesterday because it was fast Sunday. But today I have some measure of control.  I'm just so amazed at how overly sensitive my mind is!!  The past few days I've been thinking about fighting this addiction, and it struck me that that's the right thing to do. I can't tell myself I'm resisting pizza, chocolate, buffalo wings or huge portions. I love all those things! I don't want to give them up---so telling myself anything that smacks of resisting those things doesn't work, because I perceive them as great things.  HOWEVER, I AM interested in fighting an addiction to those things. I like the idea of working toward being in charge of when I eat pizza etc.  It's fine to have pizza on Fridays and to enjoy it. It's not fine to eat 3 pieces when I'm not really hungry simply because it's there and I can't stop myself.  The other happy thought came from the lesson on Joy in church yesterday.  One idea is that there is joy in keeping the commandments.  Indeed there is! I've always known that.

Here's the question...Can there be joy in taking care of this body that God has blessed me with?  Of course yes! But that's hard to remember in the face of so many times when I don't want to take care of it. But there is joy in self-mastery, joy in obedience, and the obvious joy of looking and feeling better. I want to take joy in ruling my body rather than being ruled by it.

All great thoughts. Then in my psych class, looking at the study from world war two when they too 32 men and starved them and then re-fed them to see what would happen.  Sigh.  The three months when they were given a "normal" amount was 3,200 calories! All were around normal weight.  The "starvation" was 1500 cal! The teacher pointed out that the 1500 cal was not well balanced, it was was people were really eating--potatoes and turnips. Also, in the 1940's that 3200 cal was probably not high-fat high, sodium stuff. It was probably mostly organic and certainly not bacon cheeseburgers, fries and movie popcorn.  Doesn't matter.  I hear this and my mind starts shrieking, THEY GET TO EAT 3200 CAL!!!!!   1500 CAL WAS CONSIDERED STARVING!!!

Good grief.  Never mind that this whole weekend I've probably been eating something like 7000 cal of deadly food. Never mind that most of the planet for most of the history of the world eats more like 1000-1500 cal or less.  Darn it!  I was feeling pretty abundant this morning about today's plan (1900 cal--and it's quite plentiful too!), but now I'm not only hungry but feeling put upon as well.  I think I need to re-read that part about self-mastery again.  As I was planning today's food, I was struck again at how crazy it is to have a weight problem.  I can really eat a LOT at this level.  Here's today's food:

Breakfast--malt o meal made w 1/2 c of milk with blackberries.
Snack--5 dates
Lunch--wrap with ham, horseradish, spinach and peppers, 7 olives and some full cal (240) honey greek yogurt.
Snack--bagel with laughing cow cheese
Dinner--1 cup spaghetti noodles, 1 c sauce, as much spaghetti squash as I want, an english muffin with butter and garlic.

That puts me at 1621.  Leaving a little room for a small slice of super delicious pumpkin praline cheesecake. (Thanksgiving was so ridiculously abundant that I haven't gotten around to that yet).

Okay, I feel better for having written that out. It's not just the calories--but the richness, variety and abundance of food today.  I'm hungry now, but that's partly because I'm sure my poor stomach is so stretched out, it's going to take a bit to bring it back to normal. No help for that except to tough things out and be grateful for all I have--because it's a great deal more than most.

Happy- Groan- Thanksgiving

The holidays are upon me. The Thanksgiving feast was fantastic. I didn't catch cold after all, and I had such a fun time cooking with Catherine on Wednesday. I can't wait for Monday when I will get a grip again. All my clothes are tight. I drew slips out of the hat last night and Dave is shopping today.

So, why wait till Monday? Why not get a grip right now?  Because I'm an ADDICT that's why!! I am trying in a small way to get a grip right now, but the house is still full of Thanksgiving stuff, and I don't want to let it go.  The mind is a weird thing. Christmas is coming and there will be lots of goodies all month long---but that's ok, because I've set up my mind to deal with that.  This weekend, actually isn't all that tempting (I'm already sick of leftovers and I'm not that big of a pie person), but I have not set my mind up to control anything, therefore it isn't going to happen--at least not much.

I can tell that psychologically I'm revving up for another big push. This is good and bad---good, because I'll be successful in my quest to make significant progress by my birthday, which right now sounds fantastic. Bad, because I can't live in a revved up frame of diet mind. If I only lose weight by will power, I will fail. The yo-yo will go right back up.  So PART of what's in my head this weekend is a defiance of the revving up. I'm NOT going to do anything more than any other healthy person on the planet is doing. I AM going to have to do a whole lot more than comes naturally to me though.  The plan is a whole lot of exercise, a whole lot of water and a whole lot of saying NO to this addiction which will not feel good.  It took a full three years to become comfortable without diet coke. It might take 30 years to become comfortable eating right (at which point I'll be nearly 80---but hey, there's the next life to consider too).  It doesn't matter. What matters is progress.

a cold

Ooops,
 I'm coming down with a cold from pure exhaustion I think. All I ate at Disney is part of the culprit too. When I eat right (read--eat a whole lot less), I catch far fewer colds.  Happily, I have tomorrow off so I can sleep in and even though I'll be cooking Thanksgiving food, that's an easy pleasure and I can take a nap, drink a lot of orange juice and hopefully shake this.  Tonight is unfortunate though. Far from resting, it's my late night at work and then I have visiting teaching too. My appetite is down--which is probably a good thing--not that it's stopping me from eating chocolate.  Stupid. Pure addictive behavior.

Disney!

Oh my, but I do love food.  I mean I really love it. I look forward to it, I enjoy it and I fantasize about the next time I can have some. It's also my goto for whenever I'm bored and it enhances all experiences.  In short a problem.

I thoroughly enjoyed disneyworld.  And, I did walk miles and miles and miles and miles. And I ate freely and happily--it got to the point where I didn't want chocolate chip cookies, I'd already eaten so much. It takes a bit to get me to that point!  This week is Thanksgiving. I'm not worrying too much. It's easy to pick up old habits at home---which are far from perfect or even good, but a whole lot better than theme park food.  And I'll start up the real program again on Monday.  I'm adding some slips for "small food" days--meaning many meals of just 100 to 200 cal spread throughout the day.  It's good for me, and I'll be interested to see how I respond to that both physically and psychologically.

High Protein

Ok, to finish yesterday's thought. Funny how other people's crazy ideas seem obviously problematic, but my own dumb ideas make perfect sense. :)  Human nature.  As I mentioned, yesterday was a pure quack diet--Day 5 of the "Lazy Zone" from faddiets.com.  The thing that was appealing about this besides the total lack of any thought on my part, was that the day included Chinese food from the grocery store.  YUM!  Sensible eating plans NEVER include grocery store Chinese--unless it's a special indulgence carefully worked into your schedule. Technically, this was carefully worked into the schedule too--except that I wasn't the one doing the thinking and working so it just felt like carte blanche to have Chinese. EXCELLENT!

The price of eating a foolish lunch on the Lazy Zone was to follow this plan:
Breakfast--a Slim Fast bar
Lunch--Chinese
Dinner--a Healthy Choice Dinner (I added a salad with diet dressing as well)

And that's all. Obviously no one in their right mind would want to do this for more than one day, and because I knew I didn't have to--it was ok to stick to it.  I had quite the temptation to fall off the wagon too.  There was a power outage just before I left work. It was rumored that it would last for hours. That meant I couldn't microwave my dinner. Which meant that we would need to go out for dinner. (Heaven forbid we eat something simple like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) I was starving at the time and breaking the diet (which was by all counts stupid anyway) sounded great.  Darn power came on as I was walking home.  Catherine wanted to eat out too, but I was tough--I needed to not cave in and she needed to eat the food in the fridge so we don't have a bunch of leftovers molding in the fridge while we're on vacation.

So yay! Gold star for yesterday, and thank heaven today is "high protein" which means normal food--but with an eye to protein. Cottage cheese with fruit and a bagel for breakfast. A chicken salsa salad for lunch, string cheese for snack. Dinner is more iffy---eating down fridge food--I'll probably have the veggie lasagne. Then starting tomorrow--I'm off on a wonderful Disney vacation--horrible food, but tons of exercise--it usually washes out more or less.

Low carb Day

Ugh!  HOW do people live a low carb life??? I ate quite a bit yesterday but was never full or satisfied.  I don't have all that many days in the envelope thank goodness, but I'm not going to weed them out. It's good to wean myself away at least a little from "must have" foods.  It helps to put food in its proper place--I love all things bread, but I can still be happy without them (at least for a day).  That's an important concept---I can be happy without all the food that I think I want, just as I can be happy without all the stuff I want at the mall. Also, is it my imagination or are my pants a little looser?

Today is pure quack diet--I don't have many of those in my envelope either, but there are a few, because quack diets are so amazingly seductive! (Plus, it's such a relief to not have to live them forever!).  Funny how the mind is.  There is a blog I follow--very sweet sounding lady who is also trying to lose weight. She's on my facebook feed and I really wish her the best. She's just starting again to try to lose weight and she's doing it with the help of some miracle substance.  Like all these "miracles" it's supposed to be safe and stimulant free and has a gazillion testimonials. Happily, she's also working on incorporating other healthy behaviors. I admit to being tempted by these things--an easy fix to a life long problem--sounds fantastic!! But, so far I've avoided them reasoning that if they were really that great, my doctor would be the first to recommend them. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to happily embrace other solidly stupid ideas.

Detour at Zupas

Oh boy,

Yesterday was a hungry day. Odd--last time I did flavor point I was surprised at how little real hunger I felt. But the thing that really got me yesterday was exhaustion. I walked home from work as usual, planning to make the official flavor point dinner, but when I got home Dave was on the couch and I sat down next to him and that was it. I could have slept the night through. I needed to run an errand, which was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, Catherine was at work, so when Dave tempted me with dinner at Zuppas just the two of us before going to the store I said yes. I'm not feeling too guilty about this. I was starved and exhausted and my body definitely needed as well as wanted food.

So, I've given myself a silver star for the day and moved on. (Gold stars are perfect, red for really good effort, silver for made an effort but had a major failure at some point in the day).  Today is low-carb.  I have some better information this time---I got the "low carbs for dummies" sheet off the web and am going with that. It's actually quite liberal. It seems to me to mostly just being avoiding breads and sweets and things. Okay. Amazing how difficult that is. For breakfast I had bacon, eggs and milk (1%). I've been snacking all morning on nuts, grapes and cheese and I am MORE than ready for my lunch. Good lunch--buffalo chicken on a bed of spinach and tomato with blue cheese and even two wasa crackers (the only bread-like substance for the day). I won't starve, but I suspect I'll be very ready for dinner.

Happy-ish quack days

It was a nice weekend. Friday was a free day so I was able to go to the movies and have popcorn. Saturday was 2000 no sugar and I'm proud to say I did pretty well. Yesterday was 2100, I did fine until it came to the cookies--I had about 1000 cal left by dinner, but I was starving and didn't feel like counting--especially in the face of more cookies than I should have eaten. Even still, it's not like I gorged myself and I feel good about the day overall.

Tomorrow is another low-carb day, I'm a little bit better prepared and I can have salt which means a snack of nuts. It will feel good to have what I want because today is a hungry day-- (fasting with snacks)--Flavor point mushroom day. I've got to hand it to these receipes, they are really good! a mushroom thyme omlette for breakfast and a portobello, blue cheese and sundried tomato (with oil) sandwich for lunch. It makes all the difference to have something different to go to tomorrow, and it feels good to have a little control and it feels good not to worry about the stupid scale. I'm doing my best and that will simply have to be good enough!

oops

Ooops! Yesterday was supposed to be "Vegetarian no sugar" and I only read the "vegetarian" part.   The "no sugar' would have been a good thing, because boy, did I have a sweet tooth yesterday.  I made two discoveries yesterday #1--much as I like popcorn (air popped with olive oil), I don't feel very well when I eat the whole thing. and #2--spaghetti squash spaghetti sounds much better than it really is. Dinner last night was filling and healthy, but left me distinctly flat.

Third bonus discovery----I need to plan better. Maybe this week is just new or weird or something, but I don't feel as though there's much variety at home, not enough fruits and veggies, just lots of milk and cheese--which I love, but enough is enough.

As I mentioned before, this coming week will take some doing--trying to eat down our food for vacation isn't a great time to suddenly want lots of variety. Today is a free day--but it's tomorrow that I want to go to the movies. I might actually go to the movies without popcorn!---eeep!   Or at least without the whole hog junk food fest.

For now, I'm off to class to work on a group project. I hate group projects. They're so much more inefficient than doing them by myself.

waffles and popcorn

Lots of waffles last night (4 anyway). I substituted applesauce for half the butter--totaled up how many calories in the whole recipe and divided by the number of actual waffles.  Happily, that meant 4 waffles plus diet syrup for two, and raspberry jam for two with lite whipped cream, milk and hot chocolate. It felt very nice.

Today is vegetarian. Actually, yesterday wound up being vegetarian, but today is different--no counting calories, but a real effort to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can. I've brought a raw turnip to munch on and popcorn for a snack. The popcorn and my breakfast are perhaps, a little iffy.  I probably didn't need BOTH the muffin AND the bread with melted cheese. But it felt good and lunch is a pear and raisin salad with a few walnuts and a little cheese and just one roll. Tonight is spaghetti squash spaghetti which should be both filling and super low cal.

Most importantly, I'm feeling good and excited to pick out my slips for next week. Next week's challenge is that I won't want to buy much fresh anything since we're going to Disneyworld and don't want a bunch of stuff rotting in the fridge.

Ahhhhh carbs

Boy! Yesterday was much harder than I anticipated. And yet, I ate lots of good food that I like. The fish, as I mentioned was surprisingly good.  Dinner too, chicken with buffalo sauce and a big serving of spaghetti squash was great ---chaser of a hunk of meatloaf, and dessert of blueberries, very tasty and sort of filling, but not really.  I"ll have to do a bit more planning the next time I pull carbs out of the hat.  Today is happily 2000 calorie.  I THOROUGLY enjoyed my morning breakfast of a lite bagel with jalapeno cream cheese dressing, a glass of milk and a banana.  Lunch was happy too.  The only problem with today is dinner---for some reason we all decided that we wanted waffles. NOT a calorie friendly choice. I've had to eat quite lightly to accomodate for them, which is fine but a little tough.  But it's MY choice to have waffles and it was my choice to have a 2000 cal day. It makes all the difference in the world.

Tomorrow is vegetarian. I'll have to be careful here--all kinds of fattening things are vegetarian---my idea is to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can along with other stuff, but not to go bananas stuffing myself with cheesecake and nuts. Actually, today will be vegetarian too---I don't have the calories to add bacon to the waffles tonight. But I'm looking forward to not being hungry tomorrow.

Fish!

Oh wow. I'm glad I'm not trying to do a low carb diet for more than one day. I'm dying for some chocolate.  And I'm finding out that although I love cheese, I really love it with crackers or fruit or bread. Not just on it's own, and there's really a limit to how much I can eat (this feeling is still leftover from our gourmet pumpkin dinner).  Anyway, low-carb today has resulted in a VERY healthy lunch--grilled tilapia and a spinach and lettuce salad with blueberries, walnuts and a little cheese with an olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing. For some reason last night I just felt as though I wanted a piece of tilapia for lunch (we have some in the freezer from my bout with the flavor point diet). The thing that's weird, is that I don't like fish. I have never, and I mean NEVER eaten fish unless I absolutely had to. But I guess my body wants some it's low carb, sooooo ok! It would be great if fish turned out to be like olives, where I never liked them till all of a sudden I couldn't get enough.  I'd love it if I could get hooked on salmon.

So far, so fun

Ok!  I liked picking the slips out of the envelope--it felt good to be able to switch one of the days around to accomodate what was going on in my life.  So Saturday was a "not counting but in control" day--and I did just fine.  I tried some Hungry Girl nachos for lunch--super good.  And went to JB's for dinner because we were in salt lake---super mediocre food and I didn't eat most of it, although I did put blue cheese dressing and bacon on my salad. Was VERY sparing on sweets all day.  Sunday was fast Sunday---ate way too much of Catherine's loaded brownies, but since it was fast Sunday would still be well within a normal calorie range.  Today is 2100 calories---doing fine here too--looking forward to an interesting dinner---not low cal, but within range.  Tomorrow is "low carb no salt."  Okay---I've been looking up low carb stuff. This means bacon and eggs for breakfast!  Also a big spinach salad, some blueberries for a snack, also some nuts for a snack---oh crud! no salt. That means yummy lime and chili flavored nuts are out.  Oh well. Cheese is in, and that makes up for a good deal. In fact, I feel so good about what I'm doing that I might even break down and have a piece of the tilapia that's in the freezer. I"m not wild about tilapia, but it's good for me, and since I don't "have" to eat it, I feel better about it.

Lifestyle Eve

Ugh! Woke up last night with a well-deserved stomachache. It's rare that I overeat to that extent--I think it was the pumpkin dinner that did me in---loads of cheese. Fantastic, but apparently a little indigestable. I finished cutting up my slips, bought a bigger envelope and am very excited about choosing the first 6 slips tonight (6 because Sunday is fast Sunday).  I really think this can be workable. I might go to SLC tomorrow to help Lisa with some flooring--which probably means lunch out or Lisa will fix something--difficult on a typical diet, but I think I'll be able to incorporate stuff like that.

Happy Halloween

Fun Pot-luck day at work. Made better because I'm not beginning my diet till Saturday and made better still by the fact that there are days on the upcoming plan that I could incorporate a potluck.

I made an envelope (I might need a bigger one!) And the slips are all printed out. I'm excited for this venture. I was also thinking about something I learned in my psych class. People with OCD actually have slightly enlarged amygdalas (that control emotion---like fear). I read an article saying that with therapy and hard work on the patient's part the amygdala actually began to look more normal on the scans. Can that be true with weight loss? I don't doubt for a moment that something in my brain is more inflammed than a thin person. Almost the ONLY time I am ever satisfied with eating normally, is when I'm getting sick. Only then will I not want a third cookie. Obviously, my bout with weight watchers wasn't long enough for my brain to actually change. I wonder if it's even possible to heal? I'm rather thinking that the best I can hope for in this life is to achieve a sort of "happy management."

The Plan

I ran out of time last night. I'm rather excited about this plan. I feel more ready for a change and since this is really my idea, maybe I can escape some of the colossal resentment that weight watchers triggered.  I'm going to do this diet travel envelope style. That is, I'm preparing a real envelope that will contain slips of paper.  Every Friday (because I make the shopping list on Friday) I will pull out seven slips and that will be what I do for that week. Goofy, I know, but it's striking me as a fun thing to do.  Since all diets basically boil down to--move more, eat less--I expect to get bored and irritated with this as well, but I'm hoping that the variety combined with success combined with a little committment ( the commitment isn't much yet) will allow me to stick with it. Plus blogging. I learned on weight watchers that I can't do without blogging. As you know, I tried not blogging hoping to cut through the addiction by not focusing on food as much--sounds good, but doesn't work.

So!  Here's what's on the slips.  MOSTLY calorie counting--anywhere from 1500 to 2100 calories (right there is a little variety--what kind of day will today be?), I'm also bringing back the flavor point diet--I have all the days on slips from 1 thru 42.  Sometimes it's real relief to not have to think about what you're eating, but just have it mapped out for you, other times it's a relief to be able to count because that allows me to eat whatever I want.  There are also days where I don't count, but it's a vegetarian day, or high fiber, or high protein or low carb day---I'll have to be careful not to go nuts overeating---a person can pack in a whole lot of vegetarian calories, but the intent for all these days is to keep calories reasonable (even tho I won't be counting), but to add some good things to my body.  For every 10 slips of "diet" I have a FREE day. That's just what it is---if I want to lie on the couch and eat donuts all day I can. Not that I would ever do that----I would lie around and eat cheese and popcorn. :) Some weeks I might not pick out a FREE slip, other weeks I might get lucky and pick out several. I also have a number of "controlled but not counting" days. The object there is to simply live naturally as though I already weighed 150 pounds. Hopefully, I've hit about the right balance of these (roughly 1/4 of the days are flavor point---I might make those a little less) but if not, I can tinker with the plan. Starting in March my hero Hungry Girl is coming out with her diet. I love HG receipes--if her diet sounds good I'll incorporate it here.  I even have just a few fad diets in the mix, just because they appeal to me for some reason---not many, and I don't intend to do any for more than one day, but what fad diets do is to make me glad to flee back to a "normal" day of calorie counting.  I've discovered faddiets.com--hilarious!  So, I've got the cookie diet (6 cookies plus a 300 cal dinner), the ice-cream diet (1250 cal through out the day and then a bowl of ice-cream), Jared's subway diet, The "Lazy Zone" diet--this is a seven day plan based on the Zone. It's actually very healthy but lays out a rigid food plan (which is what makes it a fad). I include it because it involves some McDonald's hamburgers and parfaits, but I'd only be picking out one of the days.  There is a week-long fad diet---the WW2 ration diet.  Again, pretty healthy--WW2 rations plus fruits and veggies. If I pick that one out of the envelope I'll decide if I'm in the mood to dedicate my whole week to that.  In addition to these things every 10 days or so I've added a double exercise day. Also days that are no salt or no sugar.

I think I'll stick pretty closely to whatever I pick out for each specific day--but I'm open to switching things around if it makes sense. If I have a free day--I'll put it the day I have the potluck at work for example. Planning out a week in advance will also help (I hope) me to determine whether or not any upcoming event really warrants an exception to the plan---is it Christmas Day for example?

A few things I haven't worked out yet are rewards. I'm determined to throw out the scale. I think I'll weigh in on Jan 1 just to see, but the scale simply doesn't work for me. No matter what it says, good bad or neutral I manipulate the information as an excuse to overeat. I'm not worrying about vacations (esp. the upcoming DisneyWorld trip--I figure I'll burn off whatever I eat.)  Anyway, I AM going to buy a pack of stars to put on the calendar each day I do well. Maybe I'll buy myself some new piece of clothing each month I do well overall--except that I'm not really motivated by clothes. Perhaps the calendar will be enough--it's visual, and at the library it supplied an amazing amount of motivation.

I'm excited to see what the first week will look like. And I'm excited to regain a little control. All my clothes are getting tight.

The white queen

I'm reminded of Alice in Wonderland where the white queen keeps running and running just to stay in one place. That's weight loss (or non-weight loss) for me for sure!  Still, as I've mentioned before, I'm not much worse off than I was in 2011. And I'm ready for another goofy plan. Well....maybe not so goofy---I'm trying to incorporate all the things I like. I'm going to start on Saturday--which is good, because we're coming into the holiday season.

One of the BIG problems that any diet has is BOREDOM!!!  It's unbearable to me to count points or calories for any real length of time---although I do like the control it gives me.  I can't even READ about people doing this---my favorite guy, Sean Anderson--of "losing weight everyday" fame blogged faithfully for two years and lost over 200 lbs by eating 1500 cal a day. He was beautifully faithful and I still love reading his blog, but every now and then I just want to shout, "SEAN! Eat the second helping!!"  Crazy! It's not even ME that's being deprived. I enjoyed my week on flavor point, but things like that or Jenny Craig or Nutri-system simply aren't practical for everyday real life.

SO---I'm taking a leaf from my other blog--the travel envelope, where I randomly go places every month or so. For some reason the randomness of that type of travel really appeals to me and makes the whole venture more exciting.  I'm going to do the same thing with my new plan.

Done

Yay!  Well and truly done with flavor point. Did it help? Did I learn anything?  Well....yes and no. No doubt the pounds will come back as easily as they left---I knew it was water weight, but it's still disappointing.  I want to add more olive oil to things, but it's going to take a little time to remember to do it. Still, an easy habit.  And it felt good, in a weird way, to eat lightly.

Today we had a breakfast buffet at work, so I'm not hungry for lunch. Still, it's lunchtime and I'd like to eat something even though I'm not really hungry.  I think instead of eating the full blown lunch I brought, I'm going to just nibble on some things--it will be less calories, be what I want (the green salsa was great) and hopefully weaken the habit that says its 12:30, I MUST eat.

Well, someone lost 30 pounds

Oh my poor girl!! She had her gall bladder out and is having complications. She's having a stomach biopsy today.  She says she's lost 30 pounds!!!! I suppose like all Mom's I'd rather have had the sickness for her.  Plus, I had the 40 pounds to lose, while she doesn't really.  This is a test of faith all around.

Meanwhile, I plug on. Thankfully, my week on Flavor point is done and 5 pounds are gone. I'm easing back into my real normal life of calorie counting with the idea of losing just 2 pounds a month.  I'd love it if I could hit 194 this month---that would catch me up!  The plan for this week is to eat breakfast and lunch according to the book, but have real dinners (hopefully smaller ones).

I went to Dad's banquet on Friday--happily it wasn't too heavy on the food---I was tired to death of glazed poultry---and they served glazed pork. Sigh, but it was good for me. I thoroughly enjoyed the chocolate cake.  Saturday, we went to the fair. I had a book-breakfast, but a gyro and a pretzel at the fair---not horrible choices, but more than I've been eating. For dinner we had meatloaf because I wasn't about to eat more glazed chicken. But I ate a small serving.  Yesterday, we went to Dad's for Lisa's birthday. The dinner wasn't too impressive. A grilled ham and cheese and potato salad. Then Kristin brought a chocolate cake.  Not on plan, but well withing normal eating standards.

Today, I got up early, stressed about about Catherine and also Riley. So I walked for 1/2 and hour before work.  Today is tomato day. A funny day I think.  It's fine for me, but it would NOT be fine for Dave. Three meals and two snacks all involving tomatoes would give him major indigestion. For dinner, in keeping with the tomato theme, we're having chicken enchiladas.

Thin in the 1800's

There's no doubt about it, I wouldn't have had any trouble being thin in the 1800's. Diet monotony really works--I'm down 5 pounds this week, and haven't really been hungry or afflicted with cravings. Will I stay on this road?? HECK NO!!!  I literally can't eat a salad every night---although left to myself I will eat one on most nights. And I don't care what you put on chicken--eventually, it's all the same meal--chicken with glaze. (Okay, I would say chicken with a rich sour cream sauce is a different meal, but for some reason, it's not on this diet).

So, I'm sure if I were Laura Ingalls, and had to eat porridge for breakfast and fish for dinner just about every day I wouldn't have a problem.

The most helpful thing this week really has been my mind-set. "Fasting with snacks" works for me. Because then I don't have meltdowns about the tiny portions.  Also, it's good to know those tiny portions usually work just fine. Especially since they often contain a little bit of oil and/or nuts.  All weight loss aside, my body is loving this program. It did NOT love weight watchers--giving me bladder problems along with weight loss. This was my fault I think. WW does tell you to eat a certain amount of healthy oil every day, but I didn't do it--opting to use my points for fats that are in cheeses. I think I really will try to make a point of cooking with olive oil or adding little bits of it to my permanent diet--but I will also try to eat a little bit less to accomodate this.

Ok---I take it back, today I AM struggling a little with hunger. This is no surprise, and not the diet's fault. I fasted yesterday for Catherine. And although, I had a good dinner--I'm not used to fasting without having a big meals the day before and I think my body is trying to make up for it. I'm going to get fed well though tonight!  I'm on plan for breakfast and lunch, but I'm going to a banquet with Dad tonight--and I'm looking forward to it.

The idea now is to ease back into normal life.  I've had my week jump-start and lost 5 pounds. Even though I know it's mostly water, it still feels good. Starting tomorrow, I'll stick to the plan for breakfast and lunches but have smaller regular dinners.  I actually cook quite healthy, it's just that I eat too much. On Thursday, I have a work breakfast, but I'll eat the book's dinner, because the mushroom chicken sounds really good.

So---the eternal struggle goes on. Is it worth it?  I think so. I don't weigh much--or even any less (I'm not about to check) than I did when I first started this blog 3 years ago.  But at least I don't weigh any MORE, and I've completed 4 half marathons. Not the success I'd hoped for, but sure a lot better than weighing 300 pounds!

Good silliness

The flavor point is going very well. I've already lost three pounds of water weight.  The mental notion of "fasting with snacks" really works for me.  I'm not resenting what to me looks like miniscule amounts of food. And, like I said the receipes are genuinely good. One things for sure though--I could never last the whole 6 weeks---a salad EVERY night? I'm already sick of them, esp since I often have a salad for lunch. On the other hand, it's true that I'm not really hungry--I didn't finish my lemon tabbuleh salad at lunch. But what's odd is that I don't really have crazy cravings for pizza either. This really is a healthy plan. One difference that I'll try to keep is the olive oil. In real life I use it incidentally--thinking I eat PLENTY of fat, I don't need more, but this is healthy fat. This diet uses it for both cooking and for the salads, and also uses some nuts. IT really works. I feel satisfied, and even though I wouldn't want to be this rigid for very long--I can tell that my body is happy.

Tonight we're having tilapia. Ick--fish. But tilapia isn't horrible and at least I can make some oven fries with it.

Flavor Point

Instead of true good behavior, I'm opting for a little silliness. There is a book called the Flavor Point Diet. I ran across it in Cedar Rapids and some of the receipes are quite good.  It's a semi-quack diet. The idea is that if every meal has a flavor in common (today is pineapple day) then your mind becomes fatigued with that flavor and you don't want as much food.  Maybe on some planets, but not in my world I bet.

It's not quite as quack as it sounds though---I mean, I'm not just eating pineapple today. Each day works out to be between 1400-1500 calories of healthy food. Of course anyone would lose weight. I think it's sounding appealing to me just now, because I'm frustrated with myself for weight gain, and I'm tired of counting calories. The idea of just eating what somebody else tells me to feels really good right now.  I don't expect to tolerate this for any real length of time, but I figure, it's healthy, I'll knock off a few pounds---ideally, I'll hang in there until I get back to at least 195. By that time I'll be excited to eat real food (meaning unplanned stuff I actually have in the house) and maybe I'll feel better about a more normal relationship with food.

For now though, I'm not minding much. Yesterday was fast Sunday. In my mind I'm thinking of this diet as "fasting with snacks."  And I must admit I'm not all that hungry today, even though I've eaten far less than usual. Here's today's menu:

Breakfast--1 cup kashi cereal
1/4 c pineapple juice
1/2 c milk

Snack--1/2 cup pineapple chunks

Lunch--chicken salad with walnuts and pineapple

Dinner--pineapple shrimp, bulger wheat, veggies, a green salad.

Dessert--carmelized pineapple rings.

See? Not bad--the chicken salad was really good actually, just not as much as I would choose to eat. Hence, it's a diet. Definitely NOT a lifestyle change.  Who would want to eat this rigidly for real? Just a quick fix and a little vacation from using my brains when it comes to food.

pizza and brownies

Not quite ready to behave yet. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, but I also popped popcorn and brought the whole bowlful to work with olive oil (a ww trick I really like--although with more oil than recommended). I also had a little chocolate from the wedding reception.  It's been nice to feel really full all day. But I've also felt sleepy and annoyed with myself.  Tomorrow we're going up to Park City which means eating out--and, no, I really CANT make healthy choices at a restaraunt unless that's what I truly want, which is rare. sigh.

I think I'm going to make myself the chocolate brownies I've been craving tonight and see if that won't throw me into a better frame of mind to try try again.

Today though, I've been flooded with memories. I saw my best school friend yesterday. Back in the day, I really hero-worshipped her.  It seemed to me then that she was the prettiest and most fun and talented person in the world. Seeing her yesterday brought all of that back.  And you know what?  I was right. She is still pretty and talented and fun.  What I couldn't see back then was that there were many others in my class who were equally pretty etc. Including myself.  Despite being pudgy with braids and crooked teeth and being too tall and all the rest--I was cute. It was SOOO good to see her and to see us both in a more reasonable light----both of us stayed strong in the gospel and raised great kids. Both of us are truly beautiful people in every way. Why do we worry about weight so much? Is it really so important?

Grateful today--for dear friends, especially Louise, a hilarious letter from Catherine, a super fun mom and daughter who came in for advisement, that I can sleep in tomorrow, that I can make brownies tonight, that I have a break from the gospel doctrine lesson Sunday and that we're going to Disneyworld in November!!!!

Disappointed

199. I'm disappointed and angry with myself. But at least I don't feel aggrieved. I mean---on weight watchers, I'd feel as though I'd work and starve for no reward. I went in the wrong direction in July, but at least it's no surprise why. I've got a wedding tomorrow. I'd really like to work harder in August and hit 195, except that I have a wedding reception tonight and I don't feel like working at all.  I feel like having a huge helping of brownies.

Trying trying trying

Scary!  Fourth of July, two birthday parties, late night pizza, work BBq, out to dinner. All conspire to throw me off the track. Not only have I not lost my 2 pounds so far, but I've gone the other direction. This is what I was afraid of---just spinning around re-losing the same two or three pounds forever.  BUT!  I haven't quit, and the month isn't over.  So, I'll see how this turns out.  In spite of my many failings, there are even more successes, and I think some of the psycological barriers are getting thinner.

My latest goofy exercise scheme is a fun one. Go from New York to Los Angeles, either by bike or on foot. These things really work for me. When I was only three miles from Newark, NJ--I went downstairs and rode those three miles. I'm still just in the beginning phase. I'm on my way to Pottersdown, NJ, 39 miles from Newark.  Today, to my great annoyance I woke up at 6:30 even though I didn't have to be at work till 9.  So I walked the 5K. Smart, because it's been blazing hot.

Full of sugar

July 5

Ugh!  I thoroughly enjoyed the fourth and my day off from counting. But the last thing did me in. I had a normal breakfast--good sign! It felt natural to pass on having bacon since I'd be having fried chicken for lunch--it didn't feel like a "diety" decision, just felt normal. Hooray! Maybe I'm developing a few normal food instincts after all.  Had my extra crispy KFC for lunch, had my decadent almond joy brownie bites (321 cal for a smallish square--ouch!), dinner was equally bad--popcorn, salami, cheese, olives and cherry pie and ice-cream.  So far, so good--at least good as in, I'd eaten everything I wanted.  THEN we went to an acquaintances house to see the fireworks. Uh boy. HUGE rootbeer floats and cookies. I didn't feel as though I could refuse.  THAT put me over the edge.  I am sugared out.  I didn't want breakfast, and I'm kind of thinking I might not want lunch either. It's nice to know that my body doesn't want ALL food. It only wants what it wants and no more. There's hope!

On the radar

Hey!  I find that I don't want my treat to be off the radar after all.  I got some salami and some German grilling cheese that I'm excited to try. I have plenty of calories saved up tonight to enjoy it. It's still hard tho. I don't know how Sean did it. 1,500 - 2,200 (trying to keep it around 2000 preferably) is still a strain, and I can see that I will need--not want, but need to have fairly frequent days where I actually eat until I am satisfied--not just barely full, to stay the course. But I think that's going to be ok. Tomorrow is the 4th--all bets off. I'm making some almond joy brownie bites that I'm excited about as well as a cherry pie. At the moment tho--just being really full is what is sounding the best. I'm eating plenty I feel as though I ought to be full and it's weird that I'm not.  For breakfast I had an omelete, 2 slices of toast, a banana and milk. for lunch I had a pizza pocket, a large serving of cucumber slop, 100 popcorn and a fiber one bar. I could easily eat a large steak dinner just now.

Met goal!

Met my June goal!!!!  The frequent weighing at the end was smart.  I did not do well at ALL at the campout. The culprit was bacon. They fixed a TON of it for breakfast and I ate at least a pound, maybe more. For dinner, Saturday we had pizza, so the day was pretty much a wash out. Even still, Sunday morning I was exactly at the 198 goal.  Since I know I was weighing at 196 for several days at least, I'm going with a 195 pound goal for July.

I've changed my mind about my reward though. I made a weight watcher's pie yesterday which is quite good, Dave made cookies and cream ice-cream which is GREAT. And for the fourth on Thursday, I'm making a cherry pie for tradition's sake and some almond joy brownie bites because they sound fabulous. I don't think I want Mama Crimin's cookis as well.  Instead, I'm going to Smiths tonight to reward myself with salami and a fancy cheese. I'll enjoy it tomorrow as an off the radar snack, and then continue to enjoy it, but count it for the rest of the month.

I got right back on track yesterday, didn't find it too hard to stop at one serving of potroast and mashed potatoes, had my pie, had room for ice-cream, but didn't finish the ice-cream. I was suddenly done and I just let myself be done.

Today I had a Mormon Muffin (no idea--I called it 200cal) and an omelete for breakfast, I'll have a big sandwich for lunch with a cucumber yogurt salad and some snyders pretzels, for dinner we're trying a Hungry Girl recipe for mac and cheese.  The big problem at the moment is exercise--we're having a heat wave, and the WSU gym is under construction. I can, and plan to exercise at home, but the heat is making me feel lethargic.

Still down

YAY!  Still at 196 today. I was a bit worried because the Zuppas dinner probably put me a little over my 2200, and yesterday I was quite hungry for dinner and had a second sloppy joe which put me right about at 2200. No problem!  Whew!  I'm trying not to be too concerned with the scale, which is oddly, why I'm weighing myself a lot just now. I don't want to weigh myself on the last day of the month and have the number reflect a flux either up or down. If I weigh frequently during the last week and take an average, that should give me a better sense of what my goal should be for the next month.

Today we're going on the ward campout and I really feel as though I can have whatever I want and still be ok. I'm not going to freak out over each calorie--I'm eating to leave myself a good 1000-1200 cal for dinner and I doubt I'll eat much more than that. That still means a good breakfast and lunch for me too. Here's today's happy non-weight watchers menu.

Breakfast--1 serving oatmeal with a whole apple and cinnamon
2 slices bacon
milk--about a cup 1%
juice--diet--almost no calories.

Snack--banana

Lunch
2 homemade pieroshis (meat turnovers)
yogurt to dip the turnovers
a thick slice of cheddar cheese
a large helping of peas
10 olives
apple sticks--this is junk food tastes kind of like apple jacks but you get a whole lot (38 sticks) for just 110 calories
Diet fresca

Dinner
2 hotdogs with all the toppings
Baked Lays
chip dip (fat free sourcream with onion soup mix)
1 or 2 smores

The ward is fixing breakfast for us tomorrow. No doubt it will be heavy, but who cares? I'll try to be moderate, but if I can't manage it, I'll adjust the rest of the day or exercise, or simply get right back on track with lunch.

The plan du jour

Try and try and try.  Catherine is off and doing fine--phew. And I've been to Disneyland and Hong Kong since I last wrote. I was re-reading a couple of my last posts. I still feel largely the same way. One thing I learned from weight watchers is that losing weight takes a whole lot more time than I like it too. I hated that if I went off the program even slightly, the weight loss would stop.  Better, was our insurance program, where if I lost only 3 pounds in a month, the insurance would pay for whatever program.  That was still the best, most motivating plan I've ever found.

I think if nothing else, I've learned to respect the process of weight-loss. I can't focus on it too much or too little. Personally, I can't (don't want to) move very fast. But I DO want to move.  I've put back almost all the weight I so laboriously lost on weight watchers. Never again. Meaning--never again will I diet like that and do that to my body.

My current idea is to simply lose TWO pounds a MONTH--not a week, a MONTH. If I lose more, great. If I lose the two pounds I will celebrate--weirdly enough by getting some kind of a food that I want. I know you're not supposed to reward yourself with food. But food is truly motivating for me, and I think most diet rules are flat out wrong anyway. The idea is that I'm learning to control food.  So, why not? If I make goal this month, I'm ordering some Mama Crimin's cookies. They're supposed to be amazing.  It's interesting to note that I could not have done this plan 5 years ago.  I didn't have enough respect for the amount of effort even 2 pounds takes, and I would have eaten everything I wanted and then tried to lose it in the last week.  That may have even sort of worked when I was younger, but not anymore. I think if I put out a good effort on most days--not a perfect effort necessarily, not a weight watchers level of restriction, but a good effort I can do it.

I'm keeping my calories between 1500 and 2200 and exercising. Most days I hit around 2,000. So far, in June I'm down 4 pounds! The funny thing is that I often feel physically the way I did on weight watchers. I'm usually good and hungry for meals and I have that light feeling, but I haven't felt deprived at all because I really am eating what I want and even the portions I want. Happily, my body really dosen't even want much more than 2000 cal. What IS different is the stupid grazing between meals, giant bowls of ice-cream, large amounts of cheese and popcorn for no reason. If there IS reason---ie: I WANT it. Then I seem to have a large enough calorie range to accomodate that. Also, I haven't worried too much about celebrations--we had a luau at work--I ate whatever I wanted.  Last night I was starving and light headed--we went to Zuppas, and I had what I wanted. The fourth of July is coming up and that means fried chicken and pie of course. I feel happy that I can enjoy these things. Four pounds down, it's a good start. The goal for June is 198. I'm getting my mouth ready for Mamma Crimins.

Balance

I had what I think is a new and obvious thought, but it's so obvious, that I wonder if I've even mentioned it here before and forgotten about it. 10 years ago, when I finally gave up caffeinated Diet Coke, it took a good THREE YEARS before caffeine free diet coke felt as good to drink as the caffeinated kind. Stopping overeating has got to be the same. Now that I think of it, I'm sure it will take AT LEAST three years and probably more, before eating normally feels as good to me as overeating. Oddly, that's good news. It helps me to have confidence that eventually, normal eating will be what I want to do.

The trick is going to be to find balance. I can't quit eating cold turkey. And when I'm hungry, it's difficult to make good decisions about what my body needs as opposed to what my mind wants. The solution there is advance planning. Overall though, I think the real solution is going to be finding that balance between what I want, what I need, what is simply bad habit, what is nutritional. I want to be conscious of my decisions, but not too much so because that's out of balance too.

I also like the simple idea of moving toward my goal or away from it. Catherine told me of a missionary who had to lose X number of pounds before they would allow him to go, he did it too. She described one day when everyone else had their Wendy's hamburger, and this young man had a turkey sub. These kinds of things are so hard for me to treat normally---I bet the other kids eating Wendy's were thin. Why didn't this poor guy get to eat a hamburger?

Okay, think this through. EVERY person who ate a burger and fries that day was moving AWAY from being a healthy person. If the others were thin, it's because they usually make better decisions. This missionary had made too many poor food decisions which is why he was fat, but he still gets to make the SAME choice. He could have eaten the burger and fries too, and it would have slowed his weight loss down. He made a different choice and it moved him in the right direction. I have to remember that I'M NOT BEING PUNISHED. I am in exactly the same boat as everyone else. I make good choices, I move toward good health, I make poor choices, I move toward poor health. I'm overweight, which means I've made too many poor choices, so I need to make EXTRA good choices to compensate for the poor choices in the past. That thought helps with deprivation thinking.

Today is tough because it's the distinguished professor reception which means my all time favorite--appetizers. However, I've been eating a lot of cheese lately, so hopefully at least the cheese won't seem so special to me.

Here's todays food:

Breakfast: 2 crepes, diet juice. NORMAL

Snack: cake. Thinking--good (I knew I didn't need cake, but was trying to act "normally" and had 1/2 a slice). Result: POOR

Snack: Grapes and cheese. Thinking GOOD (pre-planned and made at home so I could go heavy on the grapes and light on the cheese) Result: NORMAL

Lunch: 6 inch roast beef sub. and baked chips. NORMAL

Dinner: Have hopes of some control. Will eat banana just before going. Thinking: POOR--sure the banana is a good idea, but I get waaaaayyy too excited about stuff like this. I don't think thin people obsess as much as I do.

Uh boy

Oh dear, Things are going up up up up up. I feel fat, I've gained weight and worst of all, I've set a terrible example for Catherine who has gained weight too. I don't want to bounce back to weight watchers though to start the downward part of the yo-yo. But I really hate feeling fat and having my clothes be tight. I'm going to try to find what works for me on a daily basis if need be. Today, I just want to track what I'm eating, whether it's reasonable or not, and how it could be better. Catherine leaves for her mission on Wednesday, and I know we've both got some "last supper" thinking going on. But Wednesday will not be my "last supper" of overeating. I'm determined to keep working on eating and moving normally and let God take care of my body's response.

Breakfast--Normal--was a little hungry.

A thin bun with veggie cream cheese spread

Banana

milk

Snack---Poor, because I wasn't hungry AND it was heavy on calories

small pouch of Scooby-doo fruit snacks

sleeve of chili-habanero almonds

Lunch--Normal--ish. I felt the amounts were more or less appropriate, but since I still wasn't hungry I probably would have been happy with 1/2.

Sandwich--white roll, sausage (leftover from C farewell), cheese and spinach.

Deli olives--about 8 or 9. honey dew and watermelon chunks tomato soup--literally just a few sips because I was full. a few bites of dark chocolate.

Hopefully normal Dinner tonight will be fajitas for Catherine. Not a bad choice diet-wise. We have a lot of goodies at home though and I'm not willing to deny myself anything today. I think my best bet will be to make a determined effort to not graze, and not eat two fajitas, if I'm already full with just one. And I can drink water.

Exercise---at the moment on unwilling hold. My knee is out. So I haven't been walking, but it's not by choice.

keeping track

Better write down what I've eaten today before I lose control altogether. It's almost time to go home and I'm quite hungry, which is fine, but it makes me think that I have eaten too much, will be eating too much and that there are no other choices. Let me get this down. Breakfast-- 2 "morning glory" muffins at about 250 cal each 3 strips bacon-150 1 glass chocolate milk--150 Breakfast---800 cal Snack--6 slices deli roast beef w fat free cream cheese---about 70 cal Lunch--2 small slices cheesecake factory rustic veggie pizza. 300 cal each? celery and red pepper slices--50 olives--60--- Lunch--710 Truffle--80? Snack--fiber one bar--140 Total so far---1730 Oops. No wonder I'm feeling a little out of control. The big problem is that my lunch wasn't filling. So now I've had a bunch of calories with not much to show for it. I'm making a new reciepe for dinner out of the cooking light magazine. I will try to fill up as much as I can on low calorie side dishes and ideally, skip dessert. On the bright side, I went and lifted a few weights even though that's the last thing I felt like doing today.

cheesecake factory

Slowly making better decisions. The other day when I had 250 cal left for dinner? Catherine wanted to take us to Zuppas for dinner. Truth was, I was still stuffed from lunch--that was a huge taco salad I ate. This blog really helped--I went to Zuppas and realized that I was stuffed and decided to get dinner to take home later when I was hungry. The salad sounded good, but i decided I didn't want their high calorie dressing, I got it without and took it home. I wasn't even a little hungry until about 8. I really didn't need dinner even then--but I ate the bread, some olives and cheese and the chocolate dipped strawberries. More than I needed, but FAR less than I would have eaten had I just been on autopilot.

Yesterday we went to the cheesecake factory. There's really no excuse for the cheesecake factory--it's all deadly. But I had it in mind and ate very reasonably for breakfast and lunch. I didn't go out of my way to overstuff at the factory, but I did have exactly what I wanted. Today is St. Patrick's day and we have shepherd's pie and rich brownies that I made for the missionaries who aren't coming after all. I sitll have at least half of last night's cheesecake--BUT since I want those brownies, the cheesecake can wait.

Careful...

Things have gone very well the past two days. On wednesday, I had over 900 calories left by dinner time. Yesterday I didn't count, but I did all right I think). I volunteered at a blood drive and didn't get dinner till late, I probably should have eaten the pretzels rather than the trail mix---but dinner surprised me. We got real pizza to celebrate pi day (March 14), and I only wanted 2 pieces, I also made myself a salad which I ate, but was really thinking that I didn't want to finish it (I did finish it, but maybe next time it will be easier to stop). Catherine came by at lunch and brought me 2 little sweet potato pies for pi day. I ate one and was happy. Today, I sense that if I don't count calories I will slide off into not trying at all. So, I will count. Breakfast--thin bagel w lite cream cheese--about 150 Milk--100 Pear--80 giradelli chocolate (oops) about 100. Total--430 Lunch will be a taco salad from upstairs---all eating out is 1500 cal That brings me to 1930 for the day. Realistically, I doubt I'll be able to eat only 270 cal for dinner, BUT--also realistically, I don't think the taco salad is quite 1500 calories. What this tells me is that I need to go as lightly as I can tonight. Tonight is NOT the night to eat giant desserts or giant portions. I will have had enough. What do I do now though? I'm genuinely hungry and lunch seems like a long time away. I have some cup of soup. I think I'll go ahead and eat that and take the edge off. I do believe in the intuitive eating idea that genuine hunger should be responded to.

A gentle effort

It's been awhile! I've thought about this blog, but i've deliberatley not been writing in it. I want to get my focus off of food--to try intuitive eating and give my mind and body a chance to normalize. The catch is that I still have an addiction, I don't "normalize" I gain weight, and I'm still having quite a reaction to weight watchers--meaning that I'm reacting badly to any attempt to control my food. I am still determined never to "diet" again. Yes, I lose weight (at least in the short term) but it just adds to my food problem making it that much harder the next time. I'm back up to 197, which is disappointing. but at least not over the dread 200. I've been thinking why I am so determined NOT to lose weight, but I'm baffled. I was feeling and looking good at 185--almost good enough to tempt me to try weight watchers again. But no. It just isn't for me.

So, here's the latest plan---a very gentle, very loose plan that I think addresses one of the fundamental problems of weightwatchers. I'm going with the old saying, "Act as if." I looked it up on the internet, and IF I weighed about 160 and was moderatley active, I would need to eat about 2100 cal every day. OK!! I know from the Lean and Free program, that left to myself I will naturally eat about 2200-2400. THAT's not so much of a difference! What I want to stop is what happened the other night. I went through my normal day, and after dinner I had probably eaten about the normal 2,300. THEN Catherine made cookies loaded with mm's. I probably ate an additional 800 cal of cookies and milk. I do that kind of thing ALL THE TIME, and it's really hurting me.

I'm not going to freak out over this effort, it doesn't feel like a diet because I intend to eat whatever I want--including 800 calories of cookies and milk if that's what I really want, but if I do that, I will eat more lightly during the day. I think I can put on some very gentle brakes without triggering massive rebellion because I perceive that 2,200 cal is enough for anybody and MANY MANY MANY men eat that or less. I feel as though I'm not being punished for being female. It's still going to be hard---but I hope I will perceive it as reasonably hard--and that for once I am off kilter and bringing myself back to where I should be and how I want to live all the time.

For counting purposes I want to simplify things as much as possible--with the idea that when I get to where I need to be, I can stop counting unless my weight starts to creep back up. I'm going to figure that all cheese is 100 cal an ounce. All restaurant meals are 1,500 cal whether it's burgers and fries or whether it's the cheesecake factory (Saturday's folly), potlucks at the ward and work are 1,000 cal, and all homemade cookies are 120 cal, all random desserts are 300 cal.

I got onto caloriecount.com and decided that it was too clunky to log all food---paper and pencil are much easier, but calorie count is great for looking up random stuff like the olives I have today.

I'm a little excited today--as I always am when starting a new project, but this time, I'm just trying to so what I perceive everybody else is doing, rather than trying to live some plan that is much harder than everyone else is doing. I think I'll keep up this blog, because I still expect this to be very hard---my habits and body are all going to demand more food than is good for me, but I hope to slowly, but truly change.

beans

We had our Honduran dinner tonight. A soup stuffed with veggies--including Cassava (yucca) and a plantain--and GASP---a tiny amount of tripe. A good portion of tripe was supposed to be in the soup--but it looked and smelled awful. I cooked up a little for the three of us to sprinkle on our "authenic" soup. I'm proud to report that none of us died and all of us tried it. I must have eaten at least four or five molecules. The thing that's important to note here is how satisfying and filling that dinner was. We had the soup and then some homemade tortillas with fat free refried beans, mexican sourcream and mexican cheese. They were small tortillas, but those with the soup hit that magic place where I'm not only full, but I dont want any more food. That is a rare experience for me. I need to work on eating more complete combinations like much much much much more often. Right now, I don't want dessert, I don't want to munch, I'm not thinking about tomorrows food. I have well and truly had enough.

5 things to be grateful for: That I don't have to eat tripe (even the cats didn't eat it) That we're almost done paying the Sallie Mae loan!!! That I found my favorite picture of my Dad A warm house. The chance to teach gospel doctrine.

addition

In the throws of addiction yesterday and not much better emerged today. Moderatley hungry, but when faced with a sandwich bar...sigh. Even as I took two cookies I was thinking about this program and wondering what on earth I was doing. Why did I do that other than some weird frantic attempt to maintain my weight? Food is a weird addiction. But! I remain grateful for many things! That Catherine brought home Just Dance 4 Funny Movies like Sister Act Chocolate chip cookies Variety in food Fruit out of season Clean water to drink.

Another good day

It's been a good day with food. I'm having trouble getting enough fiber though. I need to look up some sources of fiber, and also a good receipe for a high fiber homemade bread. Today's gratitude--- I'm thankful that my family is slowly resolving itself into something liveable. I"m thankful for my new calling as gospel doctrine teacher I'm thankful for my fun psych class I'm thankful for my good health!! I'm thankful for modern medicine--esp good dental care and glasses!

5 grateful

Gotta post my 5 grateful things or I won't get my points! Here we go-- My wonderful daughter wellness time at work new receipes new ideas the fireplace

Eat as much as I can!

I had an insight about myself this morning as I was thinking about the great abundance and variety of food I have. This weekend, I was reading a book about careers with my daughter adn it became very evident that EXPLORATION is a fundamental part of who I am. I want to go everywhere--see my blog http://travelenvelope.blogspot.com, major in everything, meet everyone, do everything...and EAT everything. No wonder I have trouble with food! Telling me to limit my food or portions is like telling me not to see the sunset--I simply refuse to do it. I would literally rather be fat. So how can I see things differently? I like the book, "French Women Don't get Fat" which talks about the French passion for food, and how they honor that passion by being very selective and picky. That resonates with me. If I can treat food the way I treated Disney World---that is, I was determined to see and do as much as I could--but to do that I had to accept that I literally couldn't see all four parks in one day. Not only that, but to really SEE Fantasyland, I couldn't just race through it full blast. I had to walk slowly sometimes, and stop and look and experience Fantasyland. Can I learn to treat food the same way? If I go to the olive garden and gorge myself on breadsticks can I really experience the delight of the entree let alone dessert? What if my goal became to enjoy food as MUCH as I possibly can--and actually EAT as much as I can with full pleasure? My grandparents had the right idea, "save room for dessert." I've just misapplied that philosophy because I can ALWAYS stuff dessert in. But if I truly want the max chocolate chip cookie experience, maybe I can learn to not eat 5 pieces of pizza first.