A gentle effort

It's been awhile! I've thought about this blog, but i've deliberatley not been writing in it. I want to get my focus off of food--to try intuitive eating and give my mind and body a chance to normalize. The catch is that I still have an addiction, I don't "normalize" I gain weight, and I'm still having quite a reaction to weight watchers--meaning that I'm reacting badly to any attempt to control my food. I am still determined never to "diet" again. Yes, I lose weight (at least in the short term) but it just adds to my food problem making it that much harder the next time. I'm back up to 197, which is disappointing. but at least not over the dread 200. I've been thinking why I am so determined NOT to lose weight, but I'm baffled. I was feeling and looking good at 185--almost good enough to tempt me to try weight watchers again. But no. It just isn't for me.

So, here's the latest plan---a very gentle, very loose plan that I think addresses one of the fundamental problems of weightwatchers. I'm going with the old saying, "Act as if." I looked it up on the internet, and IF I weighed about 160 and was moderatley active, I would need to eat about 2100 cal every day. OK!! I know from the Lean and Free program, that left to myself I will naturally eat about 2200-2400. THAT's not so much of a difference! What I want to stop is what happened the other night. I went through my normal day, and after dinner I had probably eaten about the normal 2,300. THEN Catherine made cookies loaded with mm's. I probably ate an additional 800 cal of cookies and milk. I do that kind of thing ALL THE TIME, and it's really hurting me.

I'm not going to freak out over this effort, it doesn't feel like a diet because I intend to eat whatever I want--including 800 calories of cookies and milk if that's what I really want, but if I do that, I will eat more lightly during the day. I think I can put on some very gentle brakes without triggering massive rebellion because I perceive that 2,200 cal is enough for anybody and MANY MANY MANY men eat that or less. I feel as though I'm not being punished for being female. It's still going to be hard---but I hope I will perceive it as reasonably hard--and that for once I am off kilter and bringing myself back to where I should be and how I want to live all the time.

For counting purposes I want to simplify things as much as possible--with the idea that when I get to where I need to be, I can stop counting unless my weight starts to creep back up. I'm going to figure that all cheese is 100 cal an ounce. All restaurant meals are 1,500 cal whether it's burgers and fries or whether it's the cheesecake factory (Saturday's folly), potlucks at the ward and work are 1,000 cal, and all homemade cookies are 120 cal, all random desserts are 300 cal.

I got onto caloriecount.com and decided that it was too clunky to log all food---paper and pencil are much easier, but calorie count is great for looking up random stuff like the olives I have today.

I'm a little excited today--as I always am when starting a new project, but this time, I'm just trying to so what I perceive everybody else is doing, rather than trying to live some plan that is much harder than everyone else is doing. I think I'll keep up this blog, because I still expect this to be very hard---my habits and body are all going to demand more food than is good for me, but I hope to slowly, but truly change.