Losing weight in spite of myself.

I began this blog in February 2011 as a way to help me not quit trying to lose weight, and to learn a few things. It's been an interesting and powerful experience. It certainly confirms what I've long suspected--that although I am a genuinely happy cheery person in the main, I am NOT a happy cheery dieter. I DETEST losing weight. I resent being overweight in the first place and I am a virtuoso in the art of self-sabotage. And YET--I'm doing it! I'm fighting and kicking and EATING all the way down, but the weight is finally going down. The plan I was following in February was a half-baked one largely based on wishful thinking. I gained a little weight and decided to get real. I knew I couldn't just join weightwatchers or count calories or do any one plan and expect to be successful. I decided if I was going to bother to make the effort to lose weight I was going to throw everything I could think of at the problem. And so I do. My real "Day One" for this blog is April 1, 2011. I joined weight watchers, I joined caloriecount.com (awesome website), I read the blog losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com religiously, I keep this blog faithfully, I joined the health programs sponsored by my insurance, I use the principles from overeater's anonymous, I use my church's 12 step program as well, I subscribe--and use--Healthy Cooking Magazine.



The result of all this? Painfully slow progress (About 20 lbs in 10 months). But it IS progress and like the little engine that could I keep on trying in my rebellious way. I have no intention of quitting. This is by far the longest sustained weight loss effort I've ever made in my life. Successful I think, because for the first in my life I've done this MY way--which I've discovered, involves a lot of pizza and restaraunt food. I'm convinced this is the only way to lose weight. For me it must be MY way. For you it MUST be YOUR way. Not weight watcher's way, not your doctor's way, but YOUR way. Any plan or idea I use is only a tool.

The latest plan to lose weight my way began on Oct 29, 2013. It really is my own crazy plan. As you'll see if you read that post. I've implemented the best ideas of all sorts of eating plans and thrown out the scale. A couple of months in and I'm definitely healthier. I'm actually enjoying myself. I won't weigh until April 1, 2014, so I'll see then if this works the way I hope it will.

There is no magic weight loss bullet. But there IS a great deal of magic in the discovery of what I can happily live with (very different from what weight watchers tells me I can happily live with) and still have the body and health I want.

Good luck to all of us on this journey. It's quite a trip!







Wednesday, August 1, 2012

491 cookies for dinner

It DOES indeed help to write things out. I want to write out some answers to yesterdays freak out emotions. But even without writing it all out--I did something unusual for dinner--I skipped it! I went to SLC to prepare for the big estate sale. Usually when I go down after work I get a subway sandwich or something from the pita pit. But it was such a hot day and I was tired--as I finished the work day I realized that I just wasn't hungry. Not at all. I didn't want to eat a big sandwich--ugh. What I wanted was a giant diet coke and maybe some cookies. I reminded myself that I could still grab a Subways when I got to SLC, or after I was finished for the night or indeed, at any point along the way. Okay! I went to the bank and then went to the Pita Pit where I orderd a large drink and two cookies. It felt great and at no point in the evening did I want more food. I thought about it once or twice because dinner is such a habit--but I wasn't even close to hungry. This morning, I wasn't ravenous, but I was ready to eat so I had an omlete and a bagel and a big glass of milk. It felt right.

Now--how to deal with the "HELP! I'M NOT EATING ENOUGH!!!" Freak out emotions. First off, I wasn't deprived last night! It's not deprivation if I don't want the food! On the contrary, eating food that I don't want IS a form of deprivation--rather than giving my body what it wants--I stress it by forcing it to handle more than it wants to handle just then. Those poor geese that are force-fed to make pate aren't living the good life--they are being tortured. I still remember a family get together where there were ice-cream sundaes. I didn't want one and neither did my sister. She said no and had an apple, which is what she did want (and she was the skinny one in the family for years). I let myself be pressured into having a sundae Nobody did me any favors that night.

The "OH NO, I'M TRAINING MY BODY TO EXIST ON LETTUCE LEAVES" is also silly. If I don't want food, that means my body HAS ENOUGH. Since it HAS ENOUGH my metabolism and everything else are going to be just fine. When I was pregnant,I ate like a mouse and lost 30 pounds. I wasn't dieting! In fact, I was trying to eat, but my body was forcing me to use intuitive eating. I did just fine--I wasn't weak or sickly and Catherine was healthy and weighed 7.7 when she was born. My body did what it needed to do. True, there was one week, around Thanksgiving when I gained 8 pounds (I blame the candied pecans), but maybe I needed to gain some that week? In any case after Catherine was born, I was about 10 lbs lighter than when I first got pregnant and I maintained that lower weight for a very long time. I didn't just suddenly pack on 50 pounds because I had "trained" my body to live on less. Of all people, I should know that I can trust my body to demand food. And it's interesting how specific a body can be. My new found passion for olives is an example. Truly, if I need something my body will let me know--I can relax. Also, I've spent years and years and years eating more than I needed. If I make a mistake and eat less than I need sometimes, my body is equipped to handle that too. It's no big deal.

SO, I will continue to practice listening to myself and try to respond as best I can. If, like last night, I truly don't want food and I don't eat--great. If I make a mistake and think I don't want food, but I'm really just listening to the food police and undereat--that's fine too. Hopefully, I'll learn and if I drop an ounce or two as a consequence that's ok!

And speaking of feelings--today my body feels SORE. The other night I went to a BASICS session at the gym here with Dave. It's a neat workout program but expensive, so only Dave will join for now. It works on strengthening the core and balance. I didn't think I had done all that much. owwwwww

Exciting success!!! Candy informed me yesterday that I took 4th place in the Midnight run 5K!!!! That is a HUGE victory for me! I really was in the middle of the pack--there were 8 runners in my age group. Come payday, I will sign up for the Huntsville 1/2 marathon with Jane. But I want to do some more 5Ks too. It was really fun--and I wasn't last!!!!

And lastly for today--since it's Aug 1st I weighed myself. I'm determined not to weigh again until Sept 1. I was 188--exactly the same as last time--5 pounds above my all time low and 5 pounds below where I was at this same time last year. It's hard not to be disappointed, but I feel as if I've made some real progress these past few weeks and that's what I want to keep up. I'm determined to be patient. The lack of weight loss this past year was from a failure to be able to stay on weight watchers. This is a new committment to put all my thinking and frustrations and rebellions to work for me instead of fighting so hard against them.

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