530 "ripped off?"

Fun time at the weber state block party. I actually did the big obsticle course--felt like a fool (someone took a video and I looked like a fool too), but I'm proud of myself for doing it. I want to keep doing the fun stuff even when I get old and the only way to make sure that happens is to do the fun stuff now, even at the risk of looking silly. So, kudos to me for that! Today was the "taste of the town" I only paid $5 for it, but I was annoyed that literally half the places had run out of food by the time I got there. Yet, what I had was plenty and the price was cheap, so why do I feel ripped off? Classic little kid style envy. I saw what the others had and although mine was enough, I felt cheated. This is also classic diet feeling--whether or not I have enough or more than enough or the best stuff on earth, there is always a feeling that somehow someone else has more or better. Childish and ridiculous, but real just the same and it trips me up!

529 example

Got to see some IE in action yesterday at a baby shower. 7 year old very skinny girl goes up to the treat buffet, takes one chocolate chip cookie--wanders around the room for a bit nibbling, then goes back to the buffet gets a plate and loads up on fruit. 18 month old brother gets a strawberry--mom says she doesn't like him to get the chocolate chip cookies because he only eats the chips out of them. PERFECT. Why can't I get the hang of that?

Tomorrow sybolizes what will one day be a success for me I hope. It's the block party at Weber and some restauraunts are coming with food for those who bought a ticket. Of course I bought a ticket. After work, we're going to Park City to celebrate Mom's house being done. This includes a three course meal at a fancy Italian restaurant. Someday, I want to look forward to a day like tomorrow--including looking forward to the food, WITHOUT thinking of it as an excuse to overeat. Amazing how powerful that feeling is. I'm not interested in honoring my hunger! I somehow think I'll be happier overeating. Will I be happier overeating? Not so very deep down, I'm afraid I think the answer is YES!

Maybe that's what I'll really look at tomorrow. If I overeat---how do I really feel? Will I really enjoy everything? and if the answer is an honest "YES" what do I do about that?

528 Carrying on

Yikes! I don't want to become an erratic blogger. I think one of the hardest things about IE is the illusion that it's easy. Because I think it's easy I have less to blog about--sort of. Truth is, if I pay attention, I have as much as ever to say because it's a struggle. I wish I could marry IE to weight watchers. IE nails my problem on the head time and time and time again--it is SO refreshing to feel understood, if only by a book. On the other hand, it isn't all that great about telling me what to do! And the lazy part of my wants very much for someone to just tell me what to do, rather than to thrash this all out for myself. Anyway, one obsticle--IE keeps telling me to trust myself around food--especially "forbidden" foods. Actually, that's not so much of a problem. It's "forbidden" portions. Letting that go is SCARY. Give myself full permission to eat how much I want all the time? Actually, I do that quite a lot anyway. There is a fine line---if I really said ok to that would I eventually stop wanting so much? Or would I simply relax into a new "natural" weight of 300 lbs? Would there really be a difference? All my life have I been overeating because it was somehow the last time or a special occasion? This blog certainly testifies to the huge number of "special occasions."

524 First Experiment

Okay! First day's experiment results are in and I.....drum roll....need practice! Maybe I shouldn't have skipped breakfast--but honestly, I wasn't in the least hungry. I was still stuffed from yesterday. Instead, I had some water, and walk/ran a 5K. Still not hungry. Had some more water and made my mom's pflaumekuchen (plum cake--the real thing with loads of butter), put that in the oven and mowed the lawn. Still not hungry--had more water. When the cake had cooled a bit, I WAS ready to eat a little. It was surprisingly hard to cut myself a small piece!!! I had to tell myself several times that I could have more if I wanted. I did succeed in having a small piece and a small glass of milk. I was perfectly content--but still a little freaked out that here was all this pflaumekuchen and I had hardly touched it!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! You know the motto, "make peace with food" ?--for me, I think it's going to be "making peace with portions". Anyway, I had some errands to run and when I came back I was ready for lunch. Ok, I think. I was truly hungry--I had a grilled cheese sandwich, some olives, some doritos and some raw cauliflower. After I'd eaten that, I'm not sure if I was still hungry or if I just wanted more cake? Cake won. I had a larger piece than I'd had before (because I happend to cut it that way) and some more milk. Had a nap, and went to SLC for a birthday party. I wasn't hungry when we left, and wasn't consciously all that hungry when we got there, but my body must have been really hungry. It was difficult to speak to people I was so eager to get to the table--that annoyed me. I did NOT succeed in dishing up small portions there. I ate two plates of fruit, chips and dip (my favorite) and two hotdogs, plus cake and ice-cream.

So--ok, I think skipping breakfast might be a bad idea even if I'm not hungry, especially if I exercise. The first small piece of cake was a success and so was adding the cauliflower to lunch. I will build on that tomorrow. One thing I did right when I was pregnant was to try to eat as healthily as I could when I could eat. I want to do the same here. If for whatever reason my body doesn't want a lot of food--I think it's important to make sure that overall the food I do eat has nutritional value.

I'm frustrated with my reaction at the party--not just that I ate a lot, but that I wanted so much. I feel a little betrayed. I WAS honoring both my hunger and my fullness all day long and then suddenly I just had to eat a big birthday dinner? Why didn't my body reward my efforts with a normal sized appetite at dinner?? Maybe it was backlash from skipping breakfast, but it's still annoying.

Tomorrow is another day, and I like this idea of practicing portions. Obviously, there is a lot of work to be done.

an experiment tomorrow

Well, I broke my word and got on the scale the other day. I know I've been overeating. Each day, I make MANY correct IE choices, but unfortunatley each day I make too many dumb choices and I feel fat and bloated. 190. However, I was dressed and was feeling bloated, which is probably why I weighed myself then because I wouldn't have to really accept the weight I saw.

Ok, here's tomorrow's experiment. I honestly and truly have not been wanting as much food as I've been eating. But if it's offered to me, or it's on my plate, I have a devil of a time saying no--even if I don't want it! So---just for tomorrow, I'm going to serve myself up little portions and take those little portions away from the main source of the food. If I'm still hungry I can go back for seconds or even thirds or fourths or whatever--but if I'm full maybe it will be a little bit easier to say I'm done.

I suspect that if I could just let go and let my body do what it wants it really might revert back to something very similar to when I was pregant--that is, I'm carring around so much extra, that I doubt my body wants or needs very much food at all at this point. I bet my body WANTS to eat like a mouse until I get to whatever my normal size is, and then I bet my appetite will increase to a normal size to maintain that weight. I just need to get out of my own way. MUCH harder than it sounds!

512 Learning something?

Did I say yesterday that I was learning something here? i doesn't feel like it. I made a pig of myself last night. Well, maybe I have learned something about myself as an emotional eater--the number one emotion that triggers eating for me is celebration--whether that's joy or a nice day or just plain relief. Negative emotions shut me down. Weird, but I really don't eat in response to stress, sadness, anger or other negatives. But happiness?? That's different. To me, food is like salt, it just makes everything better--so if I'm already happy--I wan't to eat for sure!

Yesterday was a relief eat. Dave surpassed himself and went all the way to SLC to take my nephew back to school shopping. I couldn't go with (and didn't want to!) and it felt GREAT. I got my church work done and then I took myself out to Sizzler which was foolish financially as well as waist-wise. I ate WAY past the point of fullness--to the point where I came home and unbuttoned my pants which is rare behavior for me. The only good news here is that eating a large salad, a steak, potato, texas toast and a sundae hasn't always or even often, been enough to bring me to stomach-ache fullness. While it was still WAAAAAY too much food, I'm relieved that it felt like way too much. It's also been nice not to force myself back on a diet today. I ate a little bit for a late breakfast, and then I was hungry for lunch. I just wish I would hurry up and begin naturally undereating so my body could be brought back into line!

511 A better day!

PHEW!!! Amazing how things can turn around. It was a difficult and nerve wracking weekend. Would the DI pod come so we could load stuff at Mom's? (yes) Would Christine actually get stuff out of the house? (not really) Would anyone come to help? (YES!)

For a lot of reasons that I don't want to rehash here--lack the energy, and it wouldn't be helpful anyway--I spent Sunday and most of yesterday furious at my sister. I don't like feeling that way. It's exhausting, and negative and worst of all purposeless.

But today is a new day. We got a lot done cleaning-wise at the house, and best of all one of the new owners came by and saw that we were doing it. That's what I really wanted. Mom's house is old and isn't really cleanable anymore because it needs to be re-painted--so you can scrub all you like and it still looks dirty because it's just stained. At least they know we're trying. Whether or not my sister actually loaded everything up in the pod before they took it away this morning I don't know or really care. If they didn't--I'll drop everything I can carry on her front porch and that's the end of that. I feel now, as though the rest of the work is doable and it will be DONE on Friday. This is an enormous elephant weight off my shoulders. Even better today--Dave asked last night if my nephew had school supplies? I told him I wouldn't be surprised if the answer was no. I thought school started next week, but no, it starts tomorrow! Dave is still going to go to SLC and take him shopping. I can't go and I think it's a good thing for them to spend some time together. I'm so blessed to have such a terrific husband! I'd been wondering about that too, but lacked the energy to follow up

What does this have to do with food? Nothing perhaps, except that life has to do with food and emotions definitley do. I think things are slowly healing and improving even though my eating has been weird by diet standards. I AM having meals where I'm eating lightly or not at all. I still have trouble with others---I ate a kids meal for dinner last night and didn't even finish the bag of salt and vinegar chips. After cleaning, I still wasn't hungry, but Dave wanted ice-cream. Well!! My full share of a huge sundae went down no problem. This morning, I WAS hungry and I wanted eggs, bacon, an english muffin, a slice of cheese and milk. Got to work and wasn't the least bit tempted by the monkey bread. I've been reading in the IE book about an experiment where normal men were put on a strict diet for 6 weeks. After the diet, it took them a full 5 months to normalize their eating. IE is definitley working in that I'm thinking about food less, worrying less, and feeling much less compelled to eat the "good stuff" this, to the point where I'm surprised by how little I'm caring about food. On the other hand though--I seem to be reverting to the foods I grew up with--a very German diet, bread, cheese, meat with some fruits and veggies. Perhaps not the greatest diet in the world--although, when I was eating that diet I sure weighed a whole lot less! (Course I was a kid and it was the 1970's). I don't feel thinner. On the contrary, my thighs and bottom feel fat. I think, on the whole, I'm excited---this IS a little different from when I just "gave up" in Iowa. Then I slowly lost 20 lbs. This time, I'm willing to embrace nutrition and exercise--just not at the expense of what I really want. I still don't trust that I'm not engaging in major wishful thinking, but I sense that I'm on the right path and will learn something important here whatever the actual scale results.

507 TGI Fridays

Huh! I'm actually feeling a bit overburdened by food. I couldn't think where to go last night--I didn't want to wait until I was done grocery shopping, so I wound up at TGI Friday's on the thought that I never go there. Right. I never go there because so much of the stuff is either beer batter based, or jack daniels based. I found good things that weren't and it was good, but I still left feeling as though I had wasted time and money. Kudos to the staff though for being super nice.

This morning I threw away the chips and fries I had saved and just brought the 1/2 sandwich and the artichoke dip to work (I had my own home baked tortilla chips). TOO much dip. I feel heavy with fatty dip. for once, I'm not worried AT ALL about dinner tonight. If I want some, fine, if i don't, fine. I honestly don't care. Which is nice because this is the "last" night I have to have dinner without consulting anybody else's opinion--normally I'd treasure this.

I'll be SO glad when this month is over. I understand now the phrase "driven to drink." My family is SO difficult to deal with. Good thing I'm mormon, or I'd be out of control. A couple of weeks ago all I wanted was a glass of wine, even though I've never had wine in my life!! Well, I'm not about to start drinking now--or taking any other kind of meds, but for the first time I understand the temptation.

506 wound up

I've spent the day all wound up--lots of little things that I can't control, but I think I'm winding down now thank goodness and can enjoy the evening. There's been something obvious that I've been meaning to bring up. One way or another, I have to say NO to SO MUCH FOOD!! When I was pregnant this drove me crazy. I didn't want food, I didn't need food, I would get sick if I ate food--and I still wanted it more than anything. I've improved a great deal since then, but I'm by no means out of the woods. It's going to be a real adjustment to eat so little. The other night I ordered some great indian food but didn't have time to eat it before RS. I literally ate about 4 bites before the meeting, and when I got back I didn't want any more. I ate it last night. I'm liking intuitive eating, because I'm beginning to do stuff like that,which is unusual, and I think steps in the right direction.

But I've still got such a long way to go! Tonight is a good example--I'm taking the night off (except for grocery shopping. Dave is still in London, Catherine is gone--I'm on my own. This screams to me---go out to eat--I can literally go anywhere and have anything I want. I can totally relax and do my favorite thing--eat. Except that....hurrah for IE--I don't feel quite so compelled tonight. I'll still eat out, but more because there's no food in the house than because I "have" to. I might even make my favorite--chocolate chip cookies, but at the moment at least, I'm not feeling inclined to have 10 of them. Truly, I just want a couple. I'll see how that actually goes.

But still... I like to eat! A very large (no pun intended) part of me doesn't want to give it up even if I don't want food. I love the sensation of sitting down to a really good and huge meal and then feeling free to eat it all! Although, even as I type that I can feel that it's not quite as true as it used to be. I love sitting down to dinner--but I care a little bit less whether or not it's huge. I wonder what I really want for dinner? A soup from Zupas--yes, but not their sandwich and I want more than just the soup. What would really hit the spot?

504 a Better day

MUCH better day today, although I still didn't get enough sleep. NO idea if I've lost, gained, maintained or whatever but even though my thighs feel fat, I'm wearing a sweater for the first time because today it doesn't gap in the front.

I'm continuing to improve in that I'm not thinking about food nearly as much, and I think I'm paying a little bit better attention. For example, I brought some peanut butter cheerios for a snack. I don't know if it was the sugar or what, but I was hungrier when I finished them than when I started.

Actually, my food today hasn't been too far off of weight watchers--I had my favorite cream of wheat with blackberries for breakfast, and a wrap with olives for lunch with a yogurt and chips (I could have done with less chips). Someone brought sugar cookies to work, and I'd intended to have one after lunch, but they're all gone and I find that I don't much care if they are. This is partly because I have chocolate chip fiber one bars and junior mints here, but even still, it's nice not to be obsessed with the cookies.

503 Monday

Ugh! It's a Monday and a half. I don't feel as if I got back to sleep after I got up to go to the bathroom and then work has been a string of upset people. I'm just glad that I dont work at the DMV. At least I'm not eating over it. I had my two orange rolls for breakfast, a little popcorn for a snack and the leftover steak dinner for lunch. I just got some gum and some jr. mints, but more because I feel as though I have bad breath than for any foodie reason. Oh well, the day will be over soon. I'm meeting up with Jane to walk the track after work, and if I REALLY feel ambitious I'll mow the lawn. What I really need is a nap, but getting out of the office to hang posters will probably do almost as well. Part of me wants to think about dinner, but the bigger part is just too tired to care. I'm calling that progress. :)

502 better

I think I did a little better today, overall. I didn't eat breakfast---I DON'T like this business of overeating and then skipping meals. THAT isn't good. But I wasn't hungry. I took a 100 cal pack of cookies to church (blech--really bad chocolate. I'll have see if they were just old, or if they've always been that bad). After church, I still wasn't particuarly hungry (this not being hungry is a welcome switch from weight watchers!)--but I didn't want to wait till I was frantically starving. What I really wanted were some veggies. So I cut up some red and green peppers--didn't want dressing at all, and had them with a few olives (actually, I don't think I wanted those particuarly either) and some crackers with stilton and a little cheddar cheese. I made the orange rolls from a can that I had intended for breakfast and had one with some milk. I'm looking forward to a few for breakfast tomorrow.

Dinner was definitley a success. Not starving, but I put in two small potatoes, then fried up my steak with onions and some beans I picked today from the garden and had it with a little sourdough bread. Realized half-way through that I was done--so I packed up the remainder for lunch tomorrow. Ate the rest of the cheesecake and wished there was more. I was listening to a book on tape and it was probably a mistake to remain in the kitchen. I had a glass of chocolate milk, and made some popcorn with olive oil for work tomorrow--but ate quite a bit of it--it goes so well with the chocolate milk. :)

My back is feeling much better. My weird body seems to respond better to exercise than rest. I walked to church and later took a short walk also. Tomorrow I'll walk to work and see how I do.

501 BIG intuitive

I tried to eat intuitively last night and today, but I dunno----I still think I'm waaaaaaay overeating. Last night I went to SLC. I wasn't hungry but still was thinking of dinner. I decided to wait, and in the end skipped it altogether. No problem I think--I'd eaten a plenty big lunch (non-intuitive, I wasn't hungry). I think my hunger signals are a little off. I wasn't hungry for breakfast particularly, but I could feel that I was empty and I wanted something even though I didn't feel hungry in the sense that I recognize it, so I ate the apple and granola bar that I brought. I little later I ate the 100 cal cheese nips. I had gotten up early to work and I WAS hungry at 10:30. Early for lunch, but I could tell I was hungry and my energy was flagging. I went to crown burger and ordered the single souvlaki dinner--something I've never ordered before because the idea of just one skewer of meat always seemed too tiny to fill me up. Actually, it came with a pita, AND fries AND salad. It was plenty. As it turned out I didn't go to the cheesecake factory for dinner after all. I was just too tired and grungy. I got a slice of white chocolate macadamia nut carmel cheesecake, which is every bit as delicious as it sounds, and took it home. I must say I spent a lot of money on luxury food today. I got the cheesecake--then I got an order of boneless buffalo wings. I put this in the fridge and decided to do some stuff around the house before dinner. I mopped the floor, then went to Smiths where I also bought--a beef stick, fancy olives, a piece of English stilton cheese, a tube of orange rolls, a steak for tomorrow's dinner, some Doritos and milk. $30 for that! I don't know when I've paid so much and come home with so little. It was EXACTLY the dinner I wanted though. I wish I could say that it didn't take much to fill me up, but it did. Which is frustrating, because I didn't feel all that outwardly hungry for dinner. Still, I felt like my body needed some food besides the fact that I really was excited about all the delicious things I bought. I ate almost all the buffalo wings (which I happen to know are about 1000 cal all by themselves, many slices of beef stick with mustard, 2 big slices of sourdough bread with lots of I can't believe it's not butter, fresh grape tomatoes from the garden, watermelon and some of the Stilton, which is just a really rich blue cheese. For dessert I had most of the cheesecake. I'd like to say that I needed all that food because I was working all day packing up Mom's house, but the truth is that it wasn't very demanding physically--other than that I did do a lot of standing. I was very careful of my back and so mostly just moved slowly and put things in boxes which I left standing where they were. I never once broke a sweat. A couple of good things---I realized that I didn't want the olives or the Doritos with dinner today. Also, I realized that I was thinking far too much about where I was going to have dinner. So I kept reminding myself that I could just do what I felt like when I was ready, because today was not a special "blow out" occasion. I could eat at any restaurant at any time this week while Dave's gone, and after he comes back I can STILL eat anything or go anywhere--so relax already!

499 Really full

Uh boy. I was spot on yesterday. Feeling too full doesn't stop me AT ALL from eating more. If I had been left to myself, I wouldn't have eaten dinner at all or would have eaten very lightly. Instead I went to my sister's house where I discovered that she is a great cook and likes to make Greek food. My favorite! Besides the professional gyro and salad, she made a spinach pie absolutely drenched in butter and fantastic. I had two big pieces of that.

I am determined not to react to this by going on a diet. I want my mind to settle down--to realize that the food is always there and then to let go. I'm re-reading IE and last nights read was about eating out of rebellion. I know ALL about that. I think there is a very real ugly little part of me that eats out of a purely "to hell with you" attitude toward society.

I can work with this. I can improve my level of forgiveness towards myself and others. After all, I like beautiful people too! I love the Olympics partly because it's so neat to see such levels of physical perfection. I like beauty in all its manifestations--physically, spiritually or mentally. I can whole heartedly work on improving my beautiful, miraculous body without resentment, in the same way that I can improve my skills to make music on the beautiful harp. I'll likely never be world-class in either area, but does it matter? I've always known I'm more of a "renaissance" person. I prefer to work in many areas at once. At the end of the day I'll have a pretty good body as well as quite the collection of talent--perhaps none developed to world class level yet, but taken as a whole--I can easily become a world class person.

498 Full

Scary Scary!!! I'm too full and I feel fat. Why did I eat all that lunch? I wasn't really hungry for it. I could have eaten 1/2 of it if at all--but I didn't. I ate the whole thing. The only good thing is that I'm honestly not liking this feeling of feeling too full. That's a change--usually I love this feeling--but today I don't. At all. The thing I'm afraid of is that I don't dislike the feeling enough to want to prevent feeling it again. I can easily see myself for the next few years consistently overeating and each and every time saying , "yep--overdid it again. Don't like that."

Maybe my committment just needs to be as simple as every morning saying that I'm not on a diet and I'm going to enjoy everything. And then before I eat ANYTHING just ask myself am I going to enjoy this or not?

I'm also frustrated that I can't excercise just now because of my back. Patience is NOT my best virture.

I want to comment on an insightful comment on yesterday's post. I said that the Lord probably wishes I'd quit wasting so much energy on this and just get out there and do my visiting teaching. Here's Stephonie's response.

I think He does care because He is aware of us and He is aware of our concerns. When we are overweight what do we focus on? Our weight. What do we worry about? Our weight and what other people think about us. When we are overweight are we able to fulfill our callings as wife, mom, and church member to the best of our abilities? I can only speak for myself but my weight inhibits every single aspect of my life. Does the Lord love me at the weight that I am? Absolutely! Will he love me any more if I loose weight? Nope. I will be just as important to him if I weigh 1000 lbs or 165. Since weight is such a huge concern to me I know that He is aware of my concerns and they are important to him.

She's right of course. Weight impacts EVERY area of my life--no question, and for that reason it's worth spending whatever energy it takes to resolve this issue in my life. However, I still resent that society makes weight such a big deal. But when I look at my life and the flaws that I'd like to correct--like a tendency to procrastinate and a tendency to underachieve to name just two flaws. I'm sure if I gave the attention to either of these that I do to weight--I'd find that these flaws also impact every single aspect of my life and that correcting them would be just as comprehensive as correcting overeating. If society were comprised of rational beings wouldn't we all be working on different things? Over the office water cooler wouldn't someone be talking about one issue and another about another issue? But no. Every New Year's Day everyone ignores every flaw, except one and goes on a diet.

It makes me angry that I've been overlooked and underestimated my whole life simply because I'm overweight. And boy, oh boy-am I not alone. I know so many fabulous people that have battled through challenges that would make any soldier cry for his mommy, and in the stress of many moments they have overeaten, and that seems to be ALL that anybody sees or values.

Oh well. I like the movie Shallow Hal. It's about a completely shallow guy who falls under a spell so he can only see people based on their inner-beauty. He falls in love with a girl who is huge, but he thinks she's a supermodel. He learns a few things in the end. I like that in the next life we will be valued for who and what we really are.

In the meantime though. I'm not supposed to be comparing myself with others--and I'm certainly not supposed to be envious of them or worry about what the world thinks I'm worth. I only need to work on being better than I am today. If I could only REMEMBER that I think I could let go of the weight more easily. Thanks for the reminder Steph!

498 Too much of a good thing

Owwww!! My back was so much better last night! We took a gentle walk to Albertsons and it seemed to really help. This morning, when it felt better still, I walked to work thinking that good slow movement would be just the thing. Apparently not.

Some ups and downs yesterday. I "intuitively?" ate a bunch of chocolate covered almonds. With the result that I didn't want anything sweet for dessert--so I think that was probably ok. But I think I ate last nights dinner when I wasn't hungry. I was overstuffed for sure. On the bright side--the heavy sounding dinner of pancakes, omelete, fried potatoes and onions, watermelon and chocolate milk, weirdly enough usually does NOT fill me up. Last night I was well and truly done. All this sounds great and like I'm making progress, and I sure hope I am, because I feel fat and I think my clothes are a little tighter. Worth it, if I'm really making the mental progress I need to, but I wish wish wish this journey had some markers along the way.

497 careless

OWWW OWWW OWWW. Too much sitting and then too much bending. I threw my back out yesterday. This is horrible timing--I've got to get Mom's house done by the end of the month. On the bright side, it did spur me on to ask for help.

Food has been kind of careless yesterday and today. I haven't gone out of my way to overdo it, but I haven't been in much of a mood to consider whether I was hungry or not and whether I ought to stop or not. We went to Subway's last night and I just ate my sandwich. This morning I had breakfast and now I just finished lunch--all of it. I'm munching on a plum right now. Do I really want it? I honestly don't know. I DO want the chocolate covered almonds in my cupboard, and I'll have them. Maybe I'm just tired. It's not that my back hurts so much, it's just that it hurts enough that everytime I needed to move last night, I had to actually wake-up and slowly turn over.

Possibly I'm a little emotionally wrung by small breakthrough in the 12 step program. Right now I'm not attending anything, but I have the church's addiction book that is based on 12 step programs--there are passages to read and questions to answer. I've learned to write out the answer to every single question no matter how repetitive or obvious the answer. The statement I'm wrestling with is that pride always has it's roots in enmity toward God or others. Interesting. And working through just where that enmity is in my heart and where and why that prevents me from submitting my will to God is both humbling and saddening. The wonderful thing of course, is that with God's help all things can be made right--including character flaws--but there just aren't any shortcuts. Knowing better doesn't instantly enable me to think better all the time. It just takes time, patience, perserverance and not a little suffering. All things I'd much rather avoid.

496 easing up

The sale went well. Christine wants to keep it going for a few more days. More power to her. I was well and truly done. It was hard to let sentimental stuff go--especially at prices far below the item value, but the important thing is that it went. Boxes and boxes of stuff were packed and taken away that I didn't have to pack and take away. From here on out it's cleaning and taking stuff to DI or the dumpster. Dave and I are going down tonight.

Food-wise--I think/hope the book is right. The compulsion to eat really DOES seem to be calming down. I didn't eat much during the sale itself--I was busy and tired and hot. The day's intake amounted to 2 fiber 1 bars, an apple, some crackers and cheese and 1 slice of cold thin crust pizza. It was more than plenty. Afterward we went to the Olive Garden. I genuinely ate plenty--but I didn't feel like ordering an extra bowl of salad and I only ate 2 breadsticks (we did have the brioche appetizer though) and 1/2 of my entree. We shared a rich dessert. So, yes--still a calorie disaster no doubt, but not as crazy as it has been in the past. I wasn't overly full, but I had no desire to eat more. Yesterday was even more unusual. It was fast Sunday, which means to eat nothing including water for at least two meals. the idea isn't to pig out when the fast is over, but that's usually what it amounts to. We had porkchops, corn on the cob, watermelon and sweetpotatoes for dinner. I surprised myself by being done before I'd finished the porkchop. That NEVER happens. It actually felt really good. I wasn't overstuffed and I didn't want to be--even on a fast Sunday! I saved the rest of the chop, threw away the uneaten corn on the cob and later enjoyed the chocolate melting cake.

Today I'm looking forward to the rest of my Olive Garden Ravioli. I'm also excited to keep working on the 12 step questions. I'm still on step one--the hardest step I think. It's extraordinarly difficult to let go and admit that I need God's help on this. I think the exploration of why I fight so hard to retain the freedom to do this myself is a huge key

493 burger king

I'll be going to SLC a lot this next coming month to clean out mom's house. I am SOOO excited to have a buyer!! Yesterday, I went to prepare for the yard sale. I don't know that I accomplished much for the sale, but it helped me to take one more look at stuff for myself. I was debating whether to eat at Subways or burger king to eat on the way down and whether I should just wait till i got there. I decided that yes, I was a little hungry and it would be better to eat so I wouldn't be interupted later. Subways is the healthier option, but I decided I just wasn't in the mood for a cold sandwich and so went to BK. I think/hope I got fries out of my system--they were good but I was thoroughly done with them. I'll have to see how it goes tomorrow--it's the big estate sale at Mom's and I'll be going out for lunch, and the closest and best place is Crown Burger, more fries--although I suppose I could always bring my lunch...Nothing at home sounds in the least appealing. Maybe leftover pizza from tonight? That would save money too. Right now, I'm enjoying a sleeve of almonds and a diet coke. Feels good!

492 A normal day and a potluck

Yesterday went well--I think. It IS hard not to be definite. But I don't believe I overate. I went out of my way to get some Ben and Jerry's icecream--there are 4 servings in that little pint at 350 cal a serving! WHEW!!! I'm calling what I did common sense, rather than the diet police--I'd eaten dinner, I wasn't hungry--this was just a "taste hunger" kind of thing. I dished some ice-crea out into another bowl so I woudn't mindlessly eat the whole thing. I was suprised that when I had dished out what looked to me like a plenty big amount, that it still wasn't nearly 1/4 of the pint. I'm hoping that was a friendly message from my body that knew it was full, making my eyes and brain think that the amount in my bowl was big. I enjoyed it and was content.

One thing to work on---I must stop saying and thinking disparaging thoughts about "those" people. You know, the ones who say they're starving and then hardly eat anything. I even mentioned them here a few days ago. Why on earth do I look down on them? I'm trying to become like them!!! Part of it is pure jealously I'm sure. But I think another part is that I value food--so maybe I show that by eating a lot of it and so I feel superior to those who haven't discovered this "value"? That's pretty silly. There are many chefs and people (thinking of the nation of France) who have much more finely tuned palettes than I do. They value food even more than me and they are thin! They value it enough not to eat vast quanitites of mediocre junk. I need to prepare myself to hear comments like, "Come on Anneli, I thought you said you were hungry" or "have a second helping" or "you don't have to be so good today." I can always say, "I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought." or, "I'm not being 'good' I'm just full---can I take a piece home?" One of my co-workers in particular is a good example for me. She's a tiny person and she's a great cook, married a huge rodeo guy and her diet is full of meat and potatoes and going out. She never watches what she eats. But I notice that sometimes her portions are small. She has a very active life, and since she is eating all the time (she likes to nibble all day), I don't think she notices that she isn't always eating a ton. She loves food and cooking, but she exemplifies IE. I don't think she can weigh more than 105--which is perfect for her height. She could be a model anytime. I don't dismiss her style of eating as missing out.

In fact, today we had a potluck brunch at work and this co-worker ate quite a few sweets! More than I did! I only had a granola bar and some milk for breakfast to hold me to the potluck. I was truly hungry and so I wanted real food. I ate a breakfast burrito and some fruit. Still hungry. Served up another breakfast burrito and realized I was full 1/2 way through. I ate a few more bites, and could sense that I was overeating so I quit. It was easy to quit because I was full. Weirdly, the thing that appealed to me most this morning was the hot chocolate. I drank three mugfuls! There are muffins and pumpkin chocolate chip bread and two kinds of cookies. All I've wanted so far is a cookie. I had one. Now I'm full and happy. It really does help knowing I could have the rest of the pumpkin loaf and 20 cookies if I wanted to. I still have a black bean salad in the fridge and I brought an apple and some crackers in case I was hungry for lunch. I don't think I will be. Instead, I'll check for boxes in the dumpster and take a nap which I need because...

I've been so tired this week. It's funny that I write so much but am still so unconscious of my emotions. I'm not sick or coming down with anything, but I am cleaning out my mother's house--the house is being sold. This is where I grew up. On a conscious level I'm totally fine with this. More than fine in fact. Relieved. Selling the house means financial relief for me and also some real emotional relief--a good family is moving in. The house can become a happy place. Hopefully happier than it was while I was growing up. And yet, I am REALLY tired. Not as tired as I was while going through Mom's death and funeral, but tired. Maybe this is tougher on me emotionally than I give it credit for--and since my mind either won't or can't process the impact, I feel it in my body and I'm tired. How often is food driven by things that I won't or can't feel or can't identify?

491 cookies for dinner

It DOES indeed help to write things out. I want to write out some answers to yesterdays freak out emotions. But even without writing it all out--I did something unusual for dinner--I skipped it! I went to SLC to prepare for the big estate sale. Usually when I go down after work I get a subway sandwich or something from the pita pit. But it was such a hot day and I was tired--as I finished the work day I realized that I just wasn't hungry. Not at all. I didn't want to eat a big sandwich--ugh. What I wanted was a giant diet coke and maybe some cookies. I reminded myself that I could still grab a Subways when I got to SLC, or after I was finished for the night or indeed, at any point along the way. Okay! I went to the bank and then went to the Pita Pit where I orderd a large drink and two cookies. It felt great and at no point in the evening did I want more food. I thought about it once or twice because dinner is such a habit--but I wasn't even close to hungry. This morning, I wasn't ravenous, but I was ready to eat so I had an omlete and a bagel and a big glass of milk. It felt right.

Now--how to deal with the "HELP! I'M NOT EATING ENOUGH!!!" Freak out emotions. First off, I wasn't deprived last night! It's not deprivation if I don't want the food! On the contrary, eating food that I don't want IS a form of deprivation--rather than giving my body what it wants--I stress it by forcing it to handle more than it wants to handle just then. Those poor geese that are force-fed to make pate aren't living the good life--they are being tortured. I still remember a family get together where there were ice-cream sundaes. I didn't want one and neither did my sister. She said no and had an apple, which is what she did want (and she was the skinny one in the family for years). I let myself be pressured into having a sundae Nobody did me any favors that night.

The "OH NO, I'M TRAINING MY BODY TO EXIST ON LETTUCE LEAVES" is also silly. If I don't want food, that means my body HAS ENOUGH. Since it HAS ENOUGH my metabolism and everything else are going to be just fine. When I was pregnant,I ate like a mouse and lost 30 pounds. I wasn't dieting! In fact, I was trying to eat, but my body was forcing me to use intuitive eating. I did just fine--I wasn't weak or sickly and Catherine was healthy and weighed 7.7 when she was born. My body did what it needed to do. True, there was one week, around Thanksgiving when I gained 8 pounds (I blame the candied pecans), but maybe I needed to gain some that week? In any case after Catherine was born, I was about 10 lbs lighter than when I first got pregnant and I maintained that lower weight for a very long time. I didn't just suddenly pack on 50 pounds because I had "trained" my body to live on less. Of all people, I should know that I can trust my body to demand food. And it's interesting how specific a body can be. My new found passion for olives is an example. Truly, if I need something my body will let me know--I can relax. Also, I've spent years and years and years eating more than I needed. If I make a mistake and eat less than I need sometimes, my body is equipped to handle that too. It's no big deal.

SO, I will continue to practice listening to myself and try to respond as best I can. If, like last night, I truly don't want food and I don't eat--great. If I make a mistake and think I don't want food, but I'm really just listening to the food police and undereat--that's fine too. Hopefully, I'll learn and if I drop an ounce or two as a consequence that's ok!

And speaking of feelings--today my body feels SORE. The other night I went to a BASICS session at the gym here with Dave. It's a neat workout program but expensive, so only Dave will join for now. It works on strengthening the core and balance. I didn't think I had done all that much. owwwwww

Exciting success!!! Candy informed me yesterday that I took 4th place in the Midnight run 5K!!!! That is a HUGE victory for me! I really was in the middle of the pack--there were 8 runners in my age group. Come payday, I will sign up for the Huntsville 1/2 marathon with Jane. But I want to do some more 5Ks too. It was really fun--and I wasn't last!!!!

And lastly for today--since it's Aug 1st I weighed myself. I'm determined not to weigh again until Sept 1. I was 188--exactly the same as last time--5 pounds above my all time low and 5 pounds below where I was at this same time last year. It's hard not to be disappointed, but I feel as if I've made some real progress these past few weeks and that's what I want to keep up. I'm determined to be patient. The lack of weight loss this past year was from a failure to be able to stay on weight watchers. This is a new committment to put all my thinking and frustrations and rebellions to work for me instead of fighting so hard against them.