OUCH!!!

OWWWWW--NEVER will I do another half-marathon without really good prep!! Just walking to work and back does NOT do the job!! The huntsville marathon was downhill and gorgeous and I had good friends, but oh my gosh! At mile 5 I felt as though one of my preventative toe bandaids had slipped. Uh no. That was skin slipping off. Got a bandaid on that--and that was really the only blister problem I had. I HUGE improvement! Actually, the first 6 miles went really well---below Disney marathon speed. At mile 8 the heavy birthday dinner I ate last night at Lisa made itself felt--luckily a porta-potty was near and I felt much better after. Between miles 9 and 10 my legs from the calves down started feeling weird, about mile 11 the cramping started. Nausea began coming back. I tried to drink a little at the aid station but couldn't manage much. I ate an apple hoping this was an electrolyte problem and the apple might help. I think it did help a little--but those last two miles were really rough. I was NOT walking fast, and I felt badly for holding my friends back--they simply would not go on ahead! I was dying to just find some shade and collapse, but at the end of the race when I finall tried doing that--I couldn't!! Sitting or lying down made my legs seize up. Dave came then. I limped around in a small circle for over an hour, and threw up a little before I dared to try to sit in the car for the trip home. Never again! I love half-marathons, but I want to RUN them in reasonable amounts of time without major meltdowns at the end. Happily, with a snowcone, some ice-chips some ibu-profin and some water I recovered enough that I could rest for a few hours when we got home. I feel fine now except for the normal sore feet. I celebrated with Pie calzones and cheesy bread (of course my stomach is fine). Now I'm on my way to soak in a very hot bath and hopefully enjoy a good night's sleep sans cramps.

559 Ugh! FULL

Ugh! Last night was a great example of non-intuitive unconscious eating. It was going to be a long night. Immediately after work I went with a friend to pick up our race packets for tomorrow. AFter that I dropped of my friend, dashed home grabbed harp music and visiting teaching stuff and went to Barbacoa--the new mexican fast food place--like Cafe Rio. The burritos only come in one size--huge. I wasn't hungry, but I knew I wouldn't get to eat until very late. I had a book--and so wolfed down the big burrito and chips WAAAAAAY past point of fullness. I staggared out--went to harp, did my visiting teaching and got home around 9 pm. Tired, but happy it was done. I didn't eat breakfast this morning until 10:00 when I got a little hungry at work and had some oatmeal. Lunch will be in an hour, but I'm still overfull. Does this stop me from wanting lunch? Not a bit!! My stomach is making odd noises still trying to digest last night's burrito--but I'm imagining it means that I'm hungry. Tonight we go to SLC for Dad's birthday. Lisa is making carrot cake. I love carrot cake. Depending how I feel--I will attempt to eat a reasonable amount of dinner and save room for the cake rather than just stuffing it in on top of everything else. Why is this so hard??? I don't even WANT food right now and I still want to eat! What's going on emotionally? I'm a little stressed about going to SLC, but really far less than I normally am. I wish I could stay home and decorate for Halloween rather than go to SLC, but it's hardly a big disappointment--I'll still decorate slowly the rest of the weekend. I'm a little tired, but not unduly so. I'm excited for the 1/2 marathon tomorrow, I'm a little annoyed by work in general. It's a beautiful fall day, I had a lovely walk to work, I'm glad it's Friday. In short--nothing unusual or particuarly difficult about the day to cause me to want to overeat. It's just plain HABIT!!

558 Tired

I'm learning that I do get tired after a sugar load. Last night I ate a small bowl of ice-cream and two cookies and I was ready for bed! I could sense that excercise might help, but Dave was stretching with the TV. I'm sure I've reacted to sugar before, but I don't really remember food ever affecting me one way or the other. This is probably a really good discovery to make! I've also been doing a little better not eating in response to tiredness. I know candy will just make it worse, and it helps to know that I'm just tired, not hungry and if I wanted to solve tiredness by food, I'd have to eat for 8 hours straight--sounds fun, but even I'm not quite prepared to do that!

557 Small Spaghetti

Marathon approaching---I haven't been taking it seriously enough. But hopefully my schedule will allow me to try the Disneyland half marathon and that one I DO have to take seriously, because I'll have to finish in 3.5 hours.

IE continues very slowly. I took some crackers to work the other day and noticed that I only taken 8 or 9. On WW I would always have taken the max of 13 and you can bet I would have eaten every bit. Last night I wasn't very hungry for dinner, and in consequence ate a small amount of spaghetti. There are still too many other meals where I way more than I should, but slowly slowly slowly I think I'm beginning to let go just a little bit.

I'm still trying to be reasonably healthy too. Today I brought both carrots and chips and cheese to work. I made sure I ate the carrots. Later this afternoon, IF I want them, I'll eat the chips and cheese. Thighs still feel fat, but my weight seems to be holding steady.

554 missed walk

Made a mistake today--I wanted a good long walk and didn't take it, opting instead for a nap that I didn't particuarly want or need on the grounds that it was Sunday and it would be a shame to miss a chance to nap! Amazing how profoundly habits affect our lives (one of the messages from the Brigham City Temple dedication today). The habit is to nap on Sundays--therefore to not nap on Sundays carries with it a real sense of loss. Same with food---my habit is to eat large, rich portions. When I don't, regardless of how I feel physically, there is a sense of loss.

553 Hike and a party and oil.

Well, I must be doing something right. I hiked to the first bridge on the way to waterfall canyon today and it was pretty easy. There have been times when that was a tough little hike. Today it was easy. I would have loved to have gone all the up to the waterfall, but didn't dare to. My arthritic knees dont bother me too much in regular life, but that hike above the bridge is all uneven rocks and slippery shale--up is fine, but down was a serious problem last time. I didn't want to risk a turned ankle and wrecked knees the week before the marathon. I brought a granola bar to eat at the bridge, but didn't eat it. Better yet, I hardly thought about eating it. I didn't have to check in with my hunger or any of that. I just didn't want it. Nice! I've exactly what I wanted for both breakfast and lunch and tonight we're going to a work social for Dave. Normally, I'd be too excited about the food that might be there--but not today. I'm sure it will be good and I'm sure I'll enjoy it, but I'm not fantasizing about it or looking forward to it with too much enthusiasm.

And now a word about olive oil. I'm trying an experiment. On weight watchers youre supposed to have 2 tsp of healthy oil every day. I never did that figuring I usually had more than enough fats in my diet healthy and otherwise. Well, while I was on WW I begin to experience overactive bladder. These symptoms seemed to ease up whenever I was off plan. It's been much better with IE, but not back to normal--especially if there's ever a time when I eat lightly. I have no idea if a lack of healthy fat can trigger an overactive bladder--and I still maintain that I eat more than enough fats--but I'm trying the ww suggestion of making sure I have 2 tsp of healthy oil a day--usually in the form of olive oil that I eat with bread. Too early to tell if it makes a difference. I sure hope so. It would be an easy and pleasant fix.

552 Plenty

I rediscovered Applebees. When did they get so good?? It's been an interesting time food-wise. I feel like a little kid--only this time instead of a mother wanting me to eat, I'm the one eating. I'm not quite sure what--but I know I'm doing something right--Maybe it's just as simple as the book says--I'm eating--not going out of my way to overeat, but eating--and I will continue eating until I really believe that I can and then I won't care as much--just like the way I treat water. I drink quite a lot of water, but I don't monitor it closely---and I do go through phases where I'll drink very little and others where I guzzle by the gallon, but most of the time it's a happy medium. Anyway---kind of a funny experience today. It's the 75th anniversary of The Hobbit and facebook sent out an invite to celebrate by having a second breakfast at 11:00. So I bought muffins for everyone at work to be eaten at 11:00. I would have much preferred the muffin either at 10 or after lunch, but I ate it at 11 as part of the celebration. It felt funny to be annoyed by "having" to eat a muffin--darn it! I just didn't want it quite then.

550 Irrational fears

One of the problems with exploring the roots of an addiction is that it's so embarrassing!!!Can I really be so shallow and silly and faithless?? Apparently I can and it's a horrible thought!! So---today I haven't been honoring my fullness very well at all. What's wrong? I'm honestly not sure, but here's what I think it might be, sad to say!

I distrust happiness! Yesterday, for possibly the first time in my life, I got news of my family that wasn't awful. Dad is doing better! He feels encouraged and happy. Lisa seems pleased with my efforts. The Sherlocks are doing wonders with Mom's house. We can celebrate Dad's birthday on the day leaving me my weekend free to run the half-marathon. I've been planning our Disneyworld trip. I did offer up what is perhaps the most shallow prayer of my life a while ago--asking God that if it's possible, I would really like this Disneyworld trip to be a good one--that I could go free of feeling burdened with my family. I'd also like good health and stamina. And I feel as though my prayer will be answered! So what's the problem? I think I have my heart set too much on this trip. I've wanted to go to Disneyworld my whole life, thanks to Catherine's discount, we can really do this trip right. It's 10 1/2 days of pure Disney bliss. I think I might be overeating today out of some subliminal worry that something is going to happen to mess this up. My family will blow up emotionally, or someone will die, or one of us will get sick, or my knee will go out. Good grief!!! I have ZERO control over any of that (except maybe getting sick, and I can only do my best there). I have been blessed and helped over and over and over and over again. Surely I can trust that God will help me with this trip. If something does go wrong--well, so be it. I can also trust that God had a good reason for that too. But really, I think I need to remember the famous serenity prayer. Also, just take one day at a time. Today. A good day!! The weather is beautiful and I can work on my Halloween costume when I get home. Work is good. There is plenty of joy to be had today--not just next month when it's time for the trip. I think I feel a little bit better for having written this out. :)

548 Holding steady

Yesterday was a weird day. We had a 4 hour meeting in the middle of the afternoon. I thought they were feeding us lunch, but they weren't--so I grabbed a hamburger before the meeting. Man, Weber really needs to beef up its food court. I'm not liking this trend of sitting in half-darkness watching powerpoints for hours. Especially for 4 hours when the topic is computer stuff. Halfway through we broke for snacks. I wasn't hungry, but I WAS bored. I knew I was bored, and I deliberately had a plateful just to keep myself awake. It wasn't bad stuff, and I tried to emphasize the veggies. Also, I noticed that all of my skinny co-workers had some too. I suppose it would have been better not to eat since I wasn't hungry--or to have stuck solely with the veggies (roast beef and cheese were the other two big items). But it's nice to know that I'm holding steady at 190. I feel fat and as heavy as a rock, but I'm keeping at it. I didn't eat breakfast today until I got to work and was hungry for it. I had lunch after my class and tonight, I'm taking two sweet ladies from the ward out for ice-cream. It's good to feel as though I CAN take them out and it's not blowing my diet. I'm also beginning to want things that are fiber-heavy and substantial--less sugary. Wouldn't it be great if THAT took hold!?

546 insecure

Try try try try try. I feel insecure today. It's simply going to take time to figure out such basic things--when I'm hungry, when I'm full, what I need and what I don't. And I'm not at all sure I can learn these things without gaining a ton of weight. And I really don't want to gain a ton, but I DO want to learn this thing and be at peace once and for all with portions!!!

545 Better

Yesterday I did well. I don't know about perfect, but well. I tried hard to listen to my hunger at dinner even though we went out for a free burrito (HUGE). I tried hard to listen today too. One struggle which I hope will ease up, is that I seem to go from full to ravenous in an instant. Today I ate a very good breakfast--walked 6 miles with a friend to prep for the marathon. Then wasn't very hungry at all--so I thought I'd sew till Dave came home. He came home almost immediately and began to fix a brunch for himself. After watching him cook for 1/2 hour, I began to be a little hungry and thought it just as well to have a little something since it was a normal lunch time. I had a fresh tomato, a thin bagel with broiled cheese and a few crackers and cheeseball. After eating, I wanted food much more than when I had begun, but I could tell I wasn't really hungry, so I stopped and took a nap. Later, we went shopping and I wisely ate a muffin for a snack. Did just fine till smack in the middle of the grocery store--STARVED!! I did the best I could with the pizza tonight--but really, I wish getting hungry was more of a gradual thing.

544 STOP!!!

This is NOT okay!! My pants yesterday were tight---well, those are my smallest jeans...but my shorts today are also tight. NOT OKAY! Everything is feeling tight and I know I've gained weight. My guess is a solid 10 pounds. So what to do??? I'm regrouping right now. I'm not going back to weight watchers (I like having fingernails), but I obviously need some boundaries. Where will those boundaries come from?

ME.

IE doesn't say to go on an eating free for all. It says that I am the boss and the only one who can when I'm full or what I want. However, here's the sad bottom line-

I am almost always going to be full physcially BEFORE I am done eating emotionally.

That means that even with IE I am going to WANT more food than I get. And that might feel like a diet. At least until that magical time when I can adjust.

That means that if I'm eating when I'm full that I AM OFF PLAN!! There IS a plan. And if I don't want to blow up like a balloon and go diabetic, I need to start paying aattention. Or--to put a more positive spin on things---if I want to be healthy, feel great, live longer, live better and feel good about myself, I need to start paying attention.

How will this look in real life? I'll eat breakfast and also other meals even if I'm not particuarly hungry if it's not realistic to eat them later. I'll do my best to make sure that the main parts of the meal are healthy so that I'm doing the actually filling up with healthy foods. Desserts and the like are fine but in moderation--basic grandma rules---she wouldn't approve of just cookies for dinner. There are no "special occasions" because I can eat whatever I want any day. But Christmas, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving the day after Thanksgiving, my birthday are free for alls. Vacations aren't exactly total free-for alls, but I refuse to worry about food.

That's the basic idea. It's going to take a whole lot of work to wrap my mind around STOPPING when I need to, and also not freaking out about success. And not freaking out if I know I'm eating lightly. It's okay to eat lightly! A salad with light dressing is fine, even if it only has 50 calories, if that's all I want, then it's FINE. Likely, I'll want more than that, or more than that very soon and that's FINE.

Today I had cream of wheat with blueberries. I was hungry so I had a snack of an apple and some nuts. Lunch is homemade clam chowder with--and here's where it's tricky---some little bread rounds and hummus or crakers and cheeseball--but SMALL portions. Dinner is either mexican or pizza--again SMALL portions. If I'm still hungry I can have another portion OR go home and have something healthy to top off with. Challenging but good. I'm going to resume reading the losingweighteveryday blog. I haven't been reading it because he's on such a restrictive diet that is counter to what IE practices. BUT--he's enormously positive and his message is less about his exact plan than it is to make up your mind to succeed and suceed. I need that. Tomorrow should be good as well. I'm walking 6 miles. This isn't to punish myself for being fat, but to prepare myself for the half-marathon in 15 days (YIKES!).

I also need to track here what I'm doing and how it's going.

OKAY! Better days ahead!

542 Still too excited

Whatever it was that I wanted yesterday, I didn't get it, but I survived. AFter work I had to run straight off to RS where I was presenting--so no dinner. BUT there were snacks--I had some ritz peanut butter crackers and a "tablet" (scottish sugar lump), a little cornbread round and a piece of pie. NOT great food by a long shot--but at least I didn't feel compelled to run home and have dinner on top of that too. Tomorrow we're having a pot-luck at work and people seem to be bringing all of my weaknesses--crackers and cheese types of appetizers. Things ARE improving---I'm still way too excited about the pot luck, but I'm not ferociously excited if that makes sense. I'm feeling much less anxious about hunger and consequently, eating. However, it's also that much easier to be careless and just have stuff because I can---too easy to forget to see if I want it (of course!)--I mean really want it physically.

541 A munchie day

I don't know what my body is missing today, but it's a munchie kind of a day. It's also a good day---a tang in the air, Catherine's at Harry Potter World, I have a good book, I'm actually looking forward to RS tonight (travel around the world), I'm doing Japan. It's day's like this that are already full of good things that I want to add even MORE wonderful things in the form of food. Although--I'm not feeling gluttonus today--and the compulsion to eat is definitley diminishing---but i had an early lunch and whatever it is my body wants, it hasn't quite gotten, but I don't know what it wants.

540 happier body

Ok, I've gotta find a balance here. Parts of my body at least are LOVING IE--specifically a big increase in healthy oils--lots of olive oils and olives. My overactive bladder is no longer a problem--that's without drugs which never worked very well, and my fingernails are so much stronger!!! Weak fingernails are actually a symptom of arthritis, so I don't know if I'll ever get my nice pre-arthritic nails back, but this is an excellent start!! It was at the point where my fingernails were tissue paper fragile. SO--increase in oils good--overeating especially a bunch of suger, perhaps not quite so good? Easily put 1/2 my dinner at Nothing but Noodles away. I just looked at that bowl of macaroni and realized that my body did NOT want all that macaroni. Later I had a small glass of milk and two cookies---too much. I didn't want them, but I have the hardest time once I've got out some food to then not eat it. Another struggle---leftover cravings. Maybe I'll want something today but can't get it for some reason. Craving passes. Food arrives 3 days later. I think I MUST have it! I've been wanting it!!! I MUST have it. Even though I really don't want it anymore.

538 Second place!

Dave and I ran/walked the stake 5K today and I took 2nd place in my age division! (I strongly suspect that there might have only been 2 of us in that division the 46-50 group, but since I don't actually KNOW that, I think I'll go ahead and assume that there were at least 20 of us. My time was 43:09--hardly lightning speed, but I did manage to beat a few toddlers and geriatrics. But what's really encouraging is that that time is good enough for the Disneyland half-marathon which requires a 17 minute mile. This time was well below that, but keeping it up for 13 miles is another matter.

A couple good IE things today--although, as usual, I'm still eating far too much fat and sweets. The free breakfast after the race was pretty bad. I ate the banana and apple juice, but managed to throw away at least 1 of the little scone nuggets that was dry and served without syrup. After the race, I went to the library and shopping for material for a Halloween costume. I wasn't hungry when I left, but was suddenly starving 5 minutes later. I had a biscotti at the library. I knew the fabric store would take some time, and I considered stopping somewhere for lunch, but what I really wanted was a grilled reuben sandwich at home. So I made sure I got it. Later, there was the opening picnic for Dave. I ate too many crackers with salami and cheese, but otherwise looking back on it, I ate pretty reasonably--had a little of everything I wanted--realized I didn't want a full blown burger and just ate the meat. And just ate one brownie for dessert---I wasn't interested in the cookies or rice krispie treats. Actually, I wasn't all that interested in the brownie either--I should have stopped a minute to think through what I really wanted (homemade ice-cream). I wound up having a little ice-cream too later on.

All in all, I imagine today probably kept my weight at status-quo. Ok. Actually, I'd be thrilled to find out thats actually the case--then I'd know I'd either be keeping it here or heading downward.

537 Intuitive by Force

Darn skinny people! I'd forgotten I was invited to a breakfast at work today. Breakfast is a major weakness, because I so rarely get a really elaborate breakfast--and this one was good---fancy muffins, croissants, fruit, potatoes, eggs, waffles, sausage and BACON!! But every single person at my table was skinny. I bowed to peer pressure and had a reasonable amount (but still plenty calorie laden). I was comforted by the thought that I had brought lunch, so if I got hungry later there was plenty I could have. But darn it. I know full well, that if others hadn't been there, I would have eaten more. Even as it was I was probably full before my plate was empty. I made SOME good IE decisions---but it's hard to feel victorious when I don't feel glad about eating less. I was full enough, but I really would have liked more of everything. Tonight I have a wedding reception too. Sigh---the good life is good in every way except this one. Too much of good foody things.

536 No so bad

Ok. 190 still. Not SO frightful. Only 7 pounds up from the WW low. That makes me feel a little better and also more willing to eat right. I want to sign up for the 1st part of an IE class here. What I NEED is the second part where they talk about application, but I'll be in Disneyworld overindulging in both exercise AND food. The watchword of the day--or rather the past several days is "Let it go". I CAN let it go--the part of the sandwich I don't want, the second helping I don't want, the ice-cream I'm not in the mood for, the cookies at the party I'm not in the mood for---regardless of the occasion (christmas chocolate??!!!) I CAN let it go. The other thing I can let go of? Fat. Nowhere is is written that I must be fat. It is engrained in my identity, but neither of my parents was fat. Both were good looking. I can be good looking too!!! I have the genes for it!! I CAN let go of the past, I CAN live in the present and be open to being a slim middle aged and older person. Why not? I have all eternity to live. I CAN live it in the normal shape I was meant to have all along. I CAN stop sabotaging my own efforts. Saying "no" to some food or large amount does not mean I'm on a diet or that I "can't" have it. It means I either don't want it--or I choose not to have it in the same way I might choose not to buy something I want and there might be many reasons that drive that decision. I dont need to overanaylize or worry. I can just LET IT GO.

535 where I really am

Sigh. Breakfast was perfect and perfectly filling---cream of wheat with blueberries. No temptation to have extra milk because I knew I could and I was fine. I got to attend a special lunch with the WSU pres today. They served potato bar. I'm not a big fan of potato bars. Neither the cheese sauce or the chili appealed to me, and the dressing they had for the salad was ranch. Blah. I skipped the roll and butter adn the chili, put a little cheese sauce on the brocolli. BUT I had two of the dessert bars on the vague ground that I really wanted them. I'm hungry again now which is good.

I guess the thing to really accept with IE is to find out WHERE I REALLY AM. And I'm scared to death that where I really am is over 200 lbs. But I feel like my weight with ww was artificially low--I had to fight and sweat and strain to get there and it never felt natural. At least if I'm where I really am both in habits and the weight that those habits bring me I can move down for real and really maintain the loss. This is how I lost the original 20--but my goodness was it slow!!!! I can be content (sort of) with slow, but not stopped. And I can tell the weight I've gained has gone to my thighs. What has changed since Iowa? I'm willing to exercise more--I walk 1/2 marathons now and enjoy 5K's. I have many more healthy receipes. But I haven't lost the desire to eat huge portions (though I did leave some potato behind), or to eat super high fat restaurant foods.

Maybe a little good old-fashioned nutritional advice might help. WHY is a big plate of greasy nachos bad for me? How exactly does my body deal with a load of fat and sugars and carbs like that? Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be quite as eager to indulge. I think I'll check out the book "You on a diet." I thumbed through it briefly once and even that helped. In my mind, if I eat a brownie nothing much happens. But the book points out that quite a lot happens on a cellular level at least.

533 a reeses egg

Fabulous time at Park City. And the food! Oddly, was rather IE. We were good and hungry for dinner (the deal included a 3 course meal)--holy cow! My appetizer alone would have cost $24. However my main dish was a little disappointing, and I didn't eat much of it, and I was full so I hardly touched dessert. I left most of the next day's lunch too, and then yesterday was fast Sunday--had a snack then a reasonable dinner at my Uncle's. IE says something that I like very much. It's talking about favorite "bad" foods and some people have a hard time with those for fear that once they allow themselves what they want, they won't stop eating. IE suggests taking the foods one at a time and eating them until you really and truly believe that you can eat them and---here's the magic---eventually you won't need to PROVE to yourself that you can have them by eating them.

This will take some time. I'm doing fairly well today, except that when I saw the halloween reeses pumpkins (remember my fondness for the Reeses Easter eggs?), I bought four. I wasn't in the mood to have one after lunch today, but something compelled me to eat one anyway. I can't understand it. I didn't want it. I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have another time. Why Why Why did I eat it anyway??? Maybe because it's Labor Day and so I have the day off and this is a lingering symptom of a "special occasion so I'd better eat?" Maybe that's it. Maybe I should start each morning reminding myself, "Today is or is not a "special occasion" day. So I can eat if I wan't to and I can leave it alone if I want to."